# Do you act like a victim?



## zayaka26 (Jul 5, 2001)

I like to know if in an unconcious level we act like victims without noticing.Tonight I had a discussion with bf about the antidepressants. Well, we were not actually debating; I was just telling him about some info I read on the internet (casual conversation). To sum up in the end he said I was making it feel like if I was a victim and that I predisponed myself all the time with the bathroom thing. My answer was that I perfectly knew I predispone myself but even if I try I feel a need to be prepared, it just eases me and gives me comfort. On the victim thing all I said was that when he has as many bad experiences with accidents and running finding a bathroom then he could talk to me.I'm not mad at him; I'm mad at my system for not responding. He said it is not worth giving antidepressants a shot because my IBS is not an everyday issue and that those meds are strong and the consequences could be worse, etc. I know all that but if I do not try things I will never know if they will work. I surely do not want to experience nasty side effects but if I could give one of my lungs to not have to deal with that sick tummy feeling again, I would. I swear I would. I rather like to die at 40 but travel the world not worrying about stuff, jumping off a plane and playing music live than to be 75 and not do any of those things (which is exactly the case now).I agree my anxiety has gone down in the past months but because i do not want to be a victim I want to at least try to control this. My students are demanding a lot from me, specially to take them out on a road trip.







With a hand in my heart, I say that is not something I wish to do at all. They are so wonderful and I see so much potential in them, sometimes I think the best thing would be to quit and let another teacher that does not have a fear for things take on and help them the way they need and deserve. It would be a lot easier to just find a job somewhere else where ther will be no road trips, no pressure and less stress. But on the other hand I know I am a good teacher and that if I give up on this then later will be another thing I will have to give up... and I'm not a quitter.







This so hard sometimes... in the last 5 days I had 2 accidents in the car.







I know it had to do with the zoloft (and stpped it) but it surely does not help with my self steem.Sorry to write so much. I feel like nobody understands.


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## trbell (Nov 1, 2000)

it's hard to believe your doctors have you on all these different meds without referring you to a therapist. a therapist might also help you deal with your boyfirend appropriatley tom


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## SkinBagBecky (May 17, 2002)

Zayaka, I've been thinking about your message here all night long. I'm not sure I fully understand your comments about acting like a "victim" but I definitely understand and can sympathize with your feelings regarding IBS. My heart is hurting for the physical & emotional pain you are enduring.When you speak of "victims", do you mean that we subconciously like/crave the attention from others that our disorder gives? That we continue negative behavior (health) because its giving us some kind of reward? That is usually what I think of when I think of someone playing the victim role. From 17 years with this problem I have done a lot of hard looking into the mirror, soul-searching, asking myself just such a question and the answer always comes up an emphatic "NO", I am not the victim and not using this condition to control/manipulate others in any form.In this entire time, I have NEVER mentioned the IBS-D to anyone outside family living under the same roof (they have told other relatives) and now this forum. And even with them I have always tried to keep my words & actions about it private so that it interrupts their lives at the very minimum. My guess is that majority of IBS sufferers are the same in this respect.My personal history with IBS-D which includes several blood relatives who also have it leaves me to logical conclusion that it is a genetic disease -- That is another topic for discussion some other time. Right now I wish you the best, with your boyfriend, with your class & field trips, with your life in general. Hugs & prayers to you!


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## nmwinter (May 31, 2001)

first - it's nice to hear you so psitve about your job. I know how horrible your last one was so this is good!I don't think being prepared is acting like a victim at all. It's taking actions. I think acting like a victim implies helplessness. I liked chowchowma's comments about being a victim means craving attention.It sounds like you're still finding the right strategy for controlling the IBS. And that's a positive thing. It doesn't sound like Zoloft is the answer but I know you'll keep pursuing. You know, I have a huge aversion to medication on a daily basis for myself and so haven't gone down that route. So I can relate to your boyfriend. On the other hand, many people do need medication to control IBS or anxiety. and so of course should use it. I had a long conversation with a friend last night who takes paxil - she was literally having panic attacks almost daily before taking this. TO me this, sounds like theexact right thing to do - you need to function. Now the person who takes Prozac just because they get moody every now and then, that seems wrong. And I know people who do that. Not people with clinical depression, but jsut the normal moodiness.I think only you and your doctors can work out what's right for you. But as long as you keep working at it, you're not the victim.nancy


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## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

Zay, there is a lot to your thread here and no easy answers really, but moving forward and keeping those balances balanced.I want to post some more to your thread here, but am going to think on it and since today is my b-day I think it will probably be tomorrow before I post my thoughts here, but you have brought up a lot of different issues and concerns in your thread here.One thing, I am happy to hear is that you and your BF are discussing the issues, some people have a hard time with just that and suffer in silence with their partners, so that in itself sounds good and his concern for you health wise also sounds very positive, so I would give him kudos for that for sure.


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## zayaka26 (Jul 5, 2001)

First,







to eric! I hope you enjoy your day and the whole weekend.







Ok, when I wrote about the victim thing I really do not understand what bf tried to say either.







As for craving attention... with me it is the opossite, I do not like to be in the spotlight, not when I am doing ok, not when I am having a bad day. I cannot be mad at him for this; I am mad at how I need to put my tummy out of my thoughts and just dedicate myself to what I have to do. Bf is a great, great guy and I talk openly about everything with him. In fact, he is the person that understands me more (IBS terms) and I guess that is exactly why I felt confused when he said that (he later apologize but that does not change my reality). I know he feels sometimes I overreact to little things, but I cannot control that and I guess that is where he gets frustrated. I mean, I try to not let things bother me and I have made some progress but there are things that still are priorities.As for telling others about my tummy, if I have to I do. That makes me feel better and relieves anxiety. I lived in shame so many years thinking this was something that was my fault. Not anymore. Today I was driving for some reunion far away from school and I managed to get there without problems (I was chasing a coworker).







That felt good. On the way I said to myself I am not quitting no matter how much effort I have to put into this. Last year was a nightmare in the end and I am not planning on throwing away this chance I have now.Thanks for your replies.


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

((((Zay))))







I have found there to be a Huge difference between projection and planning. When I was projecting, I was expecting to have a problem. When I plan, I'm expecting to have no problems, but am prepared if I do. Once prepared, I find I give my IBS aLot less attention.







You sound great to me.







You have come so far. I really hope you are proud of your accomplishments. Think about it.... not too long ago we were celebrating your trip to get your hair done. Now, you are working with your beloved kids with your music AND doing trips!  Now, do I, like you mean me personally??? act like a victim????? LOL Only when I whine.







BQ


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## zayaka26 (Jul 5, 2001)

LOL.







Now I am doing my hair at home. One less thing I have to worry about I guess. The idea is not to run from things, just get over them. But I am saving money here, so that is why I am doing it myself.


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## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

Zay, your not using one of those vacuum hair attachments are you?







I don't know about others but I hate the word victim. Of course its in some peoples personalities to BE or play the victim, but thats another problem. I think part of this is excepting after diagnoses that you have IBS. A chronic medical problem. Something you have to always be working to keep balanced and in check and basically you in control of it and not it in control of you. However, do to its nature and the chemicals and systems it effects, it can be kind of like, at least from my standpoint for me, like Japanese water torture, effecting you sometimes a little everyday and on some days a lot but always there and in its way torturing a person and causing them to suffer, so its no wonder sometimes we feel like victims or people thing were neurotic ect.. I can see a little Zay from reading your posts and almost a tone here it maybe acting up anxiety wise, which can be totally chemically related and generated and I just want to say calm that done sonme with your favorite tape side and as BQ mentioned you have come a long way and did it on learning and on your own. I feel a little that your BF maybe right if it does not effect you everyday it maybe better to just face the IBS head on then medicate the anxiety, and put up with side effects at this time. These are just my thoughts on what I know about you over the time you have been here. Other issues like how long you may go on it and then need to go off and how that would effect you, or more dependency phycologically or physically you may become accustomed to meds, ect.. I say try to beat it naturally if you really can and that decision is more certainly up to you, as I don't live in your shoes and only you know you.







I would also consider something like ativan just for the times in the car ect.. having the accidents is tough and your brain remmebers them and calls them out the next time you get into a car as a threat, so some is changing the persceptions of threats and the brain sometimes learning and reasseing that which was a threat maynot always be and somethings can be trained or retrained to help the confidence for you or you and the thinking processes.In someways and one meaning of the term, yes we were the victim of IBS, but we are not victims to IBS unless we allow ourselves to be.


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## zayaka26 (Jul 5, 2001)

Thanks eric. No, I am not using the vaccum for my hair.







I agree it would be better to approach this as a thing that does not happen everyday. I also have other ideas on why it does not happen everyday- because I am not doing anthig else other than work and hang out on the weekends. I passed on an opportunity to take guitar lessons with an excellent prof just because I knew the anxiety would be too much (I still went to the place but did not feel comfortable). I passed on the volleyball games this year because I did not want to deal with the pressure again, even though I really wanted to play. And the thing that still makes me sad is that I passed on the opportnity to play with some guys last year; not that I did not try. I went to rehearsals like 4 times and it was hell. I would stuff me with imodium and librax and it was the nausea that bothered me. I could not do it like that; it was supossed to be fun. I do not want to let things pass me by or have to say no to things I really want to do. Last year I played on the volley season and it was fun. I'm sure I could have done it this year too but just to think at how much mental effort I had to put in it... I was just not interested anymore.







Yesterday I had what I call an imodium day (when I go like 5 times because 2 days before I had to take imodium). Lots of pain and generally discomfort.







It is true I do not have D everyday, but I think I am more anxiuos than what I have noticed. There are a lot of things I avoid because I have no interest in them or simply because I try to keep things simple. I know I will never be a Mom or have a family that depends on me, that is too much of a responsibility with me. Plus, there are other reasons why I think it would be nice to at least try other ways. And of course, you are totally right. The day I wrote I was angry and anxiuos and I'm sure it showed. On days like that I really can be a pain even for my father who is a wonderful man and tries to understand me in everything; I know he hates me when I get like that.







Sometimes I go from happy to angry and resented in a few minutes. Dad says I hate humanity (as a joke of course) but he is right in the sense that I can be bitchy and moody and not care about anything. Who knows?Anyway, this has gotten long. Tonight I will go see some bands at another town. I'm sure it will be lots of fun since there will be old friends there. The problem? No bathroom there.







I'm going anyway. I will just make sure to take a good look and see if there is a mountain nearby or somethin, LOL. I'm not saying I will need it... but it cannot hepl to have a Plan B.


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## Lauralee (Jan 4, 2002)

I have to admit that there was a period of time not too long ago when I was totally in a victim mentality. I could not believe what this awful world had done to me and oh, poor me, how bad I always felt. I whined and cried and pouted and tried to find blame for all my ills (if so and so had not done x, y, and z to me, I would be ok today, yada yada, yada)...you know the drill.I have done a whole lot of work on me lately and have gotten past most of that. I still get down sometimes when I feel particularly ill, but most of the time I feel I am finally growing up and coming into my own and am able to enjoy life.I still have a Plan B, regardless of where I'm going or what I'm doing. I still like to be in control (I am very anal that way), but I don't feel like everyone and everything is out to get me any more. It's a great feeling!! I don't like feeling sick as often as I do, but I hope (fingers crossed here) that will change soon, too. Zay - I hope you had a good time tonight and didn't need that mountain!


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## Guest (Oct 20, 2002)

Zakaya.... Perhaps we all play the "victim" from time to time... because we are all human? If your bf loves you respects you, he will understand and support you, whatever your choices end up being... just as my husband understands and supports me.From your words I can tell that not only are you a giving, caring and considerate person... you are also very strong. I don't know if this will help or not. More recently I have discovered that the less I wear my IBS (and other issues) on my sleeve, the better things go for me.... especially socially.It's one thing to bring the issue to the attention of others, it's another to wallow in it... and I have done that on many occasions. Bad trip. Don't be afraid of antidepressants. And if you do decide to try them..... give them at least 3 months at a therapeutic dose level before you give up. If the side effects are problematic.... start with a very low dose. When I first began them, I literally had to shave the end off the tab to take. You can even take Xanax or Valium in the beginning to help with tolerating the antidepressants. And it might take a while to find the one that works the best for you. There is also another medication called Buspar... that works for many people with anxiety. I could not personally take it, but it may work for you. Antidepressants may be strong medicine... but sometimes we need a strong treatment.I wish you the best  Warmly, Evie


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