# Where did it all go wrong.



## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Good Morning, I'm not sure where to begin, but for the past few weeks I have been re-living my life all over, trying to figure out what happened to me, emotionally, to send me into this whirlwind that I call IBS and severe anxiety. I even have been dreaming my life while asleep, then waking up staring at the ceiling for hours.I am at a crossroad in my life, I need to get to the bottom of what happened to me, and so I am writing it down.I am starting to wonder if my ibs started the anxiety, or the other way around. I know I had d episodes at an early age, but who doesn't get D once in awhile?I seem to have issues with confrontation, WHY?My father is a life long alcoholic,for everyday of my life. I had to watch him come home everynight and threaten and down my mom, threaten me, and my brothers and sisters, and was the brunt of many ass beatings. Could living this childhood make me who I am today? MaybeWhen I was 15 years old a much bigger black friend from school raped me. How did this effect me. I was too ashamed to tell anyone until recently. I thought I had compartmented this shame in my brain and have not thought about it until last month. My local newspaper did a story on him on why he had to live with no freedoms,BTW, He did get caught and sent to prison, but not for his crime on me, but for 2 others boys. They put his story on the front page, with his picture right there, staring at me, and his address. Turns out he lives 2 doors down from my employees, whom I take home everyday. Is this where everything went downhill for me? I didn't think so until lately.I went into a shell, I started doing hard drugs, until one day I overdosed and went into a coma. Guess who was at my side at the Emergency room when I woke? My dad.And he came from the bar, and yes, he was drunk! My mother was too ashamed to come see if I was alive. Why?Is this where everything went wrong?I am not looking for sympathy here, I'm searching my life and trying to figure out why I stand where I am today. Are my problems from childhood? being raped? Doing drugs? I will find out.I always thought of myself as a fighter. I dug myself out of nowhere to success through all of this. Am I a success? I thought I was. Any job I ever took I always worked hard to get to the top, to be the leader, to make more money. Was this my way of being in control? I don't know...But I will find the answersI tried to raise my kids just the opposite of how I was, and in the process, maybe I was too overprotective. I'm beginning to get it, I think.I need person to person Cognitave therapy combined with meds to truly overcome my anxiety, panic, or whatever this fear is that I live with.I think then and only then will I get my life back and IBS under control. I think the things that I thought I had put away up in my brain have been tormenting me the past 20 years, at least.Again, I'm not looking for sympathy, but for answers.Thanks for listening,Brett


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## 13364 (Dec 8, 2005)

Hi Brett - sounds to me that you're doing & thinking all the right things to sort out your problems. You recognise that everyone has a balance of good and bad events in their life, good and bad experiences, with good and bad outcomes. You mention some pretty bad experiences - but also some good outcomes. You have kids, you have been successful at work - perhaps (who knows ?) without the bad experiences , you would not have been motivated to achieve the good outcomes.One thing I feel very strongly about - If you feel (as you suggest) that you have dealt with a past issue, and that it no longer bothers you, have the confidence to stick with that - don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You're the expert on you !But I also think that you would very definitely gain a lot from whatever form of counselling or therapy you decide to try - because you decided to do it. You're in control.I'm not a psychologist, I've never undergone therapy as a patient, but I reckon you're doing all the right things - so be patient, and you will succeed.


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Thank You Mekis for your support and positive words. You are so right, I am the expert on me.I have always measured success by how much money a person has, so in that regard, I am a success. But, as the saying goes, Money doesn't bring happiness. But it's funny because I have felt happy, I don't think I have ever been more in love with my wife, my kids are grown and are the best you could ask for, But I am tormented horribly on the inside more than ever.Finding this board was the best thing that could have happened for me. I came hear looking for answers to my IBS and have found so much more.My Brother has told me how a therapist will help break things down, how each person reacts, copes, internalizes sitiuations that happen on a daily basis. It took him 3 docs before he found a lady who helped him, so that is who I am going to see.Thanks againBrett


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## kitkat17 Lady of the Loo (Jul 21, 2005)

Hey Brett,WOW what a life you have had! You are a survivor, and from what I have read about you and have read from you, You are one HECK of a GOOD person. I bet your wife and kids are SO SO PROUD of the person you have become. I feel lucky to know you on here.I have lived a normal boring life. No drugs, no alcohol, smoked for 25 years then quit 13 months ago. Had a very stict dad, but when I got older totally understood why. Kept me butt out of trouble cause I was scared to death of him. Mom was my best friend for years till Dad died then she turned into a evil person. I don't have the answers to why we have IBS. Wish I did. But I REALLY DON'T believe it is from anything we did or did not do. Some of our lifestyles are so different, yet we all conect because of the IBS. No way can it be like a punishment if that is what you are thinking. I don;t htink I have ever done anyhting to be punished like this. I am a worry wart though. I know that has aged me and not helped with the IBS. Dad used to say I wear my heart on my sleeve and my bladder in my eyes. I am so darn sentimental, emotional, cry at the drop of a dime, worry, care to much, think to much, wish to much, and anxiety attacks are getting so bad.I sure hope we ALL find the answers we so deserve. I sure wish they would find a cure for this ####. I am SO SO tired of it.You hang in there buddy. You are one heck of a person. Stay strong. Heck, we NEED you too.Hugs to you Kat


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Hi Kat, Thanks for the support and Kind words, You are truly one of the good girls. What you explain about your dad and fearing him is where I am stuck at in my own situation. Since our personalities our shaped in childhood, I wonder if living in fear of the very person who made us has anything to do with the fight/flight response. For me I really think it has alot to do with what decisions we make on a daily basis. For instance, I did not have to let that guy rape me, that was a choice I made. I could have said no and took an ass beating instead, but I was afraid because he was so much bigger than me. These are some of the thoughts I have been having the past few weeks or so, and if nothing else, I need to put that behind me, once and for all. I think it's time to start facing each fear, one by one, and maybe cbt therapy will help guide me in the right direction.Maybe IBS has caused this anxiety,maybe it's hereditary,maybe it's a combination of everything. I don't know anymore. Just looking at all avenues.Do you ever wonder about this? If fearing your parents during childhood has at least a small part in all this?Thanks for being here Kat, and for being Kat!!







Brett


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## kitkat17 Lady of the Loo (Jul 21, 2005)

When I went to my Dr about 6 months ago cause I was hurting all over. I got to where I started to cry, I told him I was so sick of being sick. He put me on antidepreesants and gave me the name of a pshycoligist(spelling?). It ticked me off! I was like who is he to think I need to go talk to a pshycologist?? I just want this IBS to let me have a normal life.He said you are way to depressed. HELLO, I have IBS-D. I cannot go anywhere do anything. I have to take meds to walk out the door and sometimes they don;t work. I have panic and anziety attacks when I am in the car. I am so sick of being worried and having anxiety attacks when I do walk out the door. I never had these anxiety attacks this bad to where they are really getting to me. Of course I have tried about 6 different anti depressants and cannot take any of them. As far as the fear of my Dad, hum, I really don't know. I really don't know where it fits into my life anymore. I am a pretty strong minded person though. I do know right from wrong. Not sure about it though. When I am out (not to often) I have to take 2 lomotil and 1 xanax and I still get all nervious and have a panic attack.When are you giong to talk to this Dr? I wish you luck. Hopefully you will find the answers you need to put all this in your past.Take care and I will talk to you latterKat


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

I'm calling her today. Thanks Kat, I'll let you know.


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Hi Brett,Wow, my heart goes out to you... (((HUGS))) While I haven't had some of the things you mention that you have experienced in your life, I can relate to some of it, and often wonder if the culmination of it all contributed to my IBS development as well.I hope you did contact your doc and can get the therapy you need to sort through all of this - but I must say, I think even just typing it out here and tellin it like is was, is a big step forward and I admire your candor and courage in doing so.Growing up I too had lots of expectations put upon me, and at times, had repercussions to deal with - certainly not to your extreme, but it wasn't the norm either. I became a psych major and I have to tell you, a lot of the psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, I have met either professionally, or otherwise, sometimes had "issues" too - perhaps that's why they went into the field! So in knowing this, you were given some good advice above - you are the expert on you, and I think even though you are dealing with thinking all of your past through, you have handled it beautifully in raising good kids, and going through life, and that says something great about you! You took what life gave ya, and you turned it around for good. Many may say that your IBS is a manifestation of what happened to you, and not being able to defend yourself or resolve it all - and like you say - who knows? I wish you all the best in your search and journey in all of this - I know it isn't easy - but you do seem like a strong and caring person, and I think that will get you through it.Blessings to you...Marilyn







=================


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Thank you Marilyn, Just having the courage to write this on Christmas Eve I feel better, a little, like a little bit of pressure has been released by talking about it. I know I will get through this, I have to, I need to feel good inside again. You guys are soooo Great, Thanks everyone for being supportive and understanding.







Much LoveBrett


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## 21918 (May 16, 2005)

Brett--Sounds like you have had some tough times. Sorry you have had to deal with so much.I'm not sure what causes IBS, but I've had it for 38 years and I can't really say I've been through a lot. My life has been pretty uneventful so I'm not sure if events are the cause of this wonderful syndrome.







Maybe I've just been too sheltered and every little disruption of the smooth flow causes me problems. Anyway, I hope you are able to get to the cause of your IBS, and then work through it until it doesn't cause you so many problems.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Brett, thanks for sharing! While I know it helped you to write it out, you really helped me. I know, from experience, the toll that being the child of an alcholic has on someone. It's a wonder we don't all go completely nuts!







The embarrassment, the guilt, and everything else that comes with it I totally understand. You also helped remind me that we are molded a lot by our experiences. I get upset with my husband for being sick all the time because he won't seek help. He's not like all of you on here that are going to doctors, trying therapy, etc. Maybe some of the things he's dealt with growing up made him think he can't trust people. I need to remember that. Thanks Brett! Good luck with the therapist. I really admire you for working on this.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Brett, you have experienced alot of trauma that a very good therapist can help you sort out. I was also the child of an alcoholic, bipolar mother, sexually abused as a young teen (BTW, that rape was NOT your fault), slipped LSD when I was 15 which resulted in a severe psychotic break and hospitalized for 4 months (caused severe Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome), got into alcohol and drugs, etc. I am 49 and have had therapy off and on for years which has helped tremendously. The therapist I see now is a Ph.D Psychologist and is well trained in EMDR (hard to explain but you can look it up on the net). For the 1st time using EMDR I have looked back on several of my early traumas and am finally able to put them in context. Please get the help you need for yourself. You are obviously very intelligent and sensitive and ready to dig in and walk through the process of therapy. I absolutely believe that IBS, anxiety and all the early traumas are somehow related. I wish you the very best of luck and wish you success in your search for happiness. Tiss


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Thanks Tiss, tfw, and slm. I get something from everything you have posted, Thanks for giving your thoughts and experiences, every little bit helps.I just read my original post again here and wanted to emphasize that my drug use was when I was 17 years old until I was 18. I have been completly drug free, except for an occasional beer or two, for 23,24 years now. Thanks again,Brett


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## kitkat17 Lady of the Loo (Jul 21, 2005)

I am glad you got off the drugs







I cannot imagine trying to break that habit. Heck, it was SO hard trying to quit smoking. Weird how habits and addictions form. Good for you. Let me know when you go to the DR.You take careKAt


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

I understand about the early drug use. My drug/alcohol abuse was from about 20 to 26. I am now 49 so I've been out of that lifestyle for a long time!


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Yeah Kat, I have to say smoking is much harder to kick than drugs. I don't know how you did it, wish I could kick the nasty things! I even tried acupunture and it didn't stop me from smoking. Maybe next year.Tiss, sounds like your life has been about the same as mine. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, or so it goes, right?


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## 13827 (Jan 8, 2006)

Brett-reading what you wrote makes me think what I am going though in my life right now. I went from thinking I just have IBS to OMG Im lossing it! All week I have been in a panic attack ( I think that is what it is ) I never felt this way before in my life. I went to Doc once and she is putting me on Anxiety meds Prn cause Im dwelling on a tragic time in my past. and depression meds also. Im scared to take them- I never thought I would ever feel this way. Why cant I control my thoughts? I cant even sleep - its been 4 days. When I look at my kids I feel as if I failed them for loosing it. Im so sad and so scred- can someone please tell me.. will these meds I get tomarrow *I hope* help me out of the rut- will I be able to look at me kids with-out crying. I dont know why Im doing this- but I cant seen to make it stop. Im so scared and lost. I so need hope.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Cindylou, Please know that we understand here on this board. I hope you talk to your doctor ASAP and work with him/her on your meds and also you might want to try counseling. It is horrible feeling so depressed and thinking on all the terrible things that have happened. Depression and anxiety can cause people to dwell on past events. You must tell you dr. you haven't slept in 4 days. That is exhausting for anybody! Let us know how it's going. Take care of yourself! Tiss


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Cindy, I agree with Tiss on the counseling asap. It helped me in my situation to finally let it out, write it down and get these feelings of shame out of me. I don't know what thoughts are coming back from your past, but I can say that writing it down or talking about it with someone is a start. The support and sincere posts from friends here and at home helped me tons. If you want to talk about it to somebody and want to talk in private, you can E-mail me if you want. Talking about is the key, don't keep these feelings inside any longer than you have to. Let us know how you make out with your doc, be careful with anxiety meds and deppression, some cause depression.


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## Guest (Jan 17, 2006)

Brett - I've only just seen all of this - god what courage to write all that down. Yes, it is interesting - so many of us seem to have deep "issues" and whether these are triggers or not - I don't know. I had quite an abusive relationship with my dad - though we get on pretty well know - he certainly used to beat me (though never my sister) as a small child and I was packed off to boarding school at 11 (I don't know whether you have these god-awful institutions in the US - NOT to be recommended - 2 of my friends from there have attempted suicice (though mercifully not been successful). Like me you seem to have found a real "soul mate" in your wife - I thank god on a daily basis for my Paul and also for the support that I've had (as I think all us old timers have had) from you chappies.Well, this time tomoz - hopefully I'll be a little bit nearer finding out whats been going on inside old Col the colon.I'm going to try and find some help for my periodic anxiety tonwards and upwards for 2006Sue xxxxx


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Hello there Sue. Thanks for your comments. It seems we all have gone through something at one time or another that can affect our lives. I, like you have forgiven my father and accepted who he is, an alcoholic who was never able to show emotion, except for violence and hate. We talk all the time now. Just not about my childhood. It's all good, I have my wifey to talk to and lean on and all of you fine people on this board. It was so good to deal with it,face it, especially the rape part. I never did get counseling, and do not think I will,LOL, you guys were my counselers.You're finally getting the results tomorrow, right? Sending good luck vibes to ya Sue, You are a real nice person to have around here.







Hope everything turns out OK.See YaBrett


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## Guest (Jan 17, 2006)

Thanks Brett and for everyone for their support. Thank god the waiting is nearly over - think its even worse than that gawd-awful enema!!Sue


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## 17176 (Mar 31, 2005)

it seems there are others out there who have had some very traumatic things happen in there lives.. i used to think i was the only one.. is there light at the end of the tunnel? for me there was, why do peeps screw up others people's lives?


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

I don't know Joolie - I think it's because the people who screw us up are coming from their own disfunction. Before my dad died, we started to get closer, and I told him stuff about how it was to grow up under his discipline, and he said he didn't know any better, had pressure from the job, my mom's serious illness, and his own parents had it rough (his dad died when he was 10) - and I took it all on from an adult, rather than a kid's perspective. We were closer in the last few years of his life than ever before - he said he never knew how I felt and was sorry for whatever caused my pain... so even though perhaps peeps don't say they are sorry, perhaps feel sorry for them - like for my ex - I feel more sadness for him than anger (tho sometimes that too!) but really, if we hold onto stuff too long, the person that hurt us doesn't even know that it still has a grip on us - and we only are making our life miserable.I haven't been through stuff like a lot of you here have, but I have had a bit - I still "fight" with the memories and try to let go - it is a process - it can be short or long - but the fact that you guys are all here shows you are on the journey, and that is what matters most...My hat is off to you all - and to my ownself for that matter! - Here's to 2006 - the year of the journey to healing... Blessings, everyone and love to ya.







xx ---


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## 17176 (Mar 31, 2005)

sorry you had it rough too marilyn, life can really suck eh!I feel if i turned up on jerry springers show the guy would need about 10 yrs spare to get all the info..i was determined not to make any mistakes with my kids, 2 are ok and we get on great, the oldest one and me have not spoken for nrly 2 yrs and not seen each other in nearly 2 yrs..I guess when we have kids we dont get a users guide, so we do mess up, life is so hard, but my mum says its only as hard as you make it..


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Marilyn, You put that perfectly. In my case my I know my father feels regret but can't express his feelings in a way that I was looking for. But he lived a disfunctional life himself, and just passed it on. To this day my dad still cannot say I love you, but says it in other ways... Sometimes he will make one of my fave foods like eggplant parmesean(sp) and bring it over, or helping me with the recent remodeling of my house. Other people tell me how he sits in the bar and brags me up to his bar buddies and says how proud he is, but cannot say these things to me. So I know there is regret, sorrow, Love, whatever else, going on inside his heart, he just can't express it to me and I have to except that. After reading your post Marilyn, You helped me see it. You said it perfectly. Thanks, You're the best!


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

You're welcome Sue, That's what friends are for.


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## 13827 (Jan 8, 2006)

Well went to Doc and got put on Wellbutrin XL and Lorazepam. then I went back to Pyscho. and I explained to her how I was feeling and she asked me a few questions let me empty my heart out on her, then she told me the things I was worried about wasnt what was the probem. It was my axiety making something into nothing. She beleives something in my childhood braught all this on this last week. Then she did Hypnotherapy on me. Braught me to a calm I have NEVER felt before and beleive me when I went in there I was so tense and having attack. So tonight I took the meds for the first time. I feel so much better tonight then I did all week. I think with the calm state and she settling me fears and meds letting me stay calm to let it all sink in HELPED me Wonders! tomarrow is a new day......and I go back to see her thursday. SHe promised me that we will get to the root of my attacks and fix it all. THank you all so much for caring for me and understanding. My family just dont understand what Im going through, and they are getting frustrated that Im not myself. so again THANK YOU ALL I







You !


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

Nice to hear Cindy, sounds like you found a doc that you are comfy with, that's important. Hopefully you have turned the corner and you can move on from here. Good luck and be happy!!!


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2006)

How ya doin' today Brett - well, thank god all was clear - apparently I have some "redundant" colon on the left hand side but nothing else - am to take buscopan (I think its called - neva heard of it) if things get particularly bad but he said he'd see me when I was 53 (in 10 years' time!!!).I'm absolutely cream crackered today - think its a kind of delayed shock - I'd got myself soooo worked up. Still, went into work today which was a return to some kind of normality.Thanks for all your support.Sue


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

That's great to hear Sue, though not sure what redundant colon is. You sound happy, so it must be good news. So now you can get back to your old happy go lucky self, yes? Time for some scouse lessons!!


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## Guest (Jan 20, 2006)

Me neither matey - though the consultant did try to show me with a plassy model of a colon - I think I've got an extra "loop" on the lh side which would explain why all the pain/discomfort are located there.Talking of Scouse - have neva been so insulted in me life - went to the garage to have the ####-mobile mended (AGAIN) and this geezer there said "oh its good to hear another Londoner" - WHAT - you can't be serry?Will have to go and listen to some Beatles records or summat.Sue


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Ready to "spit the dummy" eh, Sue?


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## Guest (Jan 21, 2006)

Hey our Marilyn - bazzin' expression - what on earth does it mean?Well, go to the bottom of our stairs I say!!!Sue














Brett - our Clare is makin' scones with lorra lorra connie onnie today (condensed milk) so gawd knows how they are goin' to turn out!! I'll be trotting to the big white phone all evo I expect.


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Dummy is the baby's pacifier - when the baby is mad, it spits out the dummy - at least that is one of Mike's expressions and he is in Cheshire - I talk to him on the dog and bone... he he. Hope things don't go pear-shaped with the scones! I tried making them and I did them triangle (we do ours round), and they said you do your round too - so who knows!







Have fun!Marilyn


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## 20250 (Jul 14, 2005)

So the only thing left is the big white phone. Let me guess... Loo?


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Yep - rhyming slang! for "throne"


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