# Bad IBS flare has led to irrational fear of pretty much anything that might cause another one



## Jeni

The horrible IBS flare I had last Christmas has caused me to develop an irrational fear of most anything that may lead to another one. I am afraid to take meds because I fear they'll upset my stomach. I am afraid to eat many foods and it's hard for me to try new foods because I am afraid to eat something that will trigger my IBS. I am absolutely terrified of antibiotics because there's only ever been one kind that didn't make me really sick (penicillin) and I am now allergic to it. Every other antibiotic I have ever had has made me horribly sick, just awful diarrhea and some make me vomit (especially on an empty stomach). I get extremely scared whenever I feel my IBS acting up. Whenever I feel that rumbling in my stomach, queasy feeling I get just before a bad diarrhea episode I get scared, but I also get scared when I start feeling constipated, too at least when it makes me feel crampy, bloated, and nauseous. I think nausea and vomiting are my biggest fears. I think I might even be slightly emetophobic, because I pretty much have anxiety attacks when I feel like I might vomit, it scares me so much. I just got the results of my annual pelvic exam and pap smear back and it was normal, but the doctor found that I have bacterial vaginosis and said I could either wait and see if it goes away on it's own or I can go on a week of antibiotics. I will be calling her an telling her I want to wait and see, because the thought of going on antibiotics terrifies me. But if it doesn't go away by itself I'll have to take the antibiotics and I don't think I'll be able to bring myself to take them because I know they make my stomach really upset. Being afraid of medications is not a good thing, sometimes they are necessary to keep you alive and if I am afraid of them and can't bring myself to take them, depending on what kind of medication it is, I could potentially put my life in danger because of an irrational fear of being sick and of having my stomach be upset like it was during my horrible IBS flare last Christmas. I mean I am literally afraid of my IBS symptoms, afraid of abdominal pain, nausea(which I get with diarrhea and sometimes with constipation, too), diarrhea, constipation, and especially of vomiting. I am quite literally afraid of being sick, especially when it affects my stomach/bowels. This anxiety over health issues is taking over my life. I feel so trapped and I am always scared. I just want my life back!! I really do think that the IBS flare I had at Christmas has caused or at least exacerbated my anxiety concerning my health. It was traumatic, being in the emergency room, the excruciating pain, and feeling so horrible I couldn't eat anything and even drinking water made it worse, it was awful. And then just when I was starting to feel better and get back into the swing of my life, I had an ovarian cyst in March which caused me more horrible abdominal pain and diarrhea, and led to another trip to the ER. That trip to the ER was even more traumatic than the December/January ones because I had to have a CAT scan and in order for it to work I had to drink 3 16oz glasses of lemonade with contrast die in them. I got 2 down and then threw it all up. I drank the last one and then went for my CAT scan. It was awful, I kept telling the nurse I couldn't drink all that lemonade, that I was already feeling full after 1 glass, that I felt nauseous already after just 1 glass but he kept telling me I had to drink all of them, that I had to get all that dye into me so they could see what was going on inside me on the CAT scan and he got mad when I threw up the lemonade with the dye in it. It was so horrible! They also gave me morphine for the abdominal pain and everything felt totally unreal. I felt sleepy and out of it but keyed up and anxious all at once. It was so bad!! Heavy narcotics are not for me. It also took like 3 days for the morphine to get out of my system. I never want to take morphine again in my life. All in all it was an awful, traumatic experience that I never want to repeat and it has led to a lot of my health fears. I am so scared and I don't want to be scared anymore!!! It is hard not to be scared when you suffer from IBS which is such an unpredictable health condition. It also doesn't help when you have stressful, traumatic health related experiences(like my trips to the ER) that feed the fear. Does anyone else have fears like this that seem to stem from bad experiences with your health? Can anyone else relate to what I am going through? Please help me figure out what to do, because I am totally lost and have no idea what to do.


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## Kathleen M.

Healthy anxiety is common and bad experiences can set it off (either make it a lot worse than it was or make it start up if you never had it before).Have you talked to your doctor about the anxiety? There are lots of treatments for anxiety but you won't get any of them if you don't start with a frank discussion with your doctor about how much it is interfering with your life.The problem with health anxiety is a lot of people are too scared to take the medications or go to the therapist. If you will not take medication or will not talk to the doctor you could check out any of the self help books for anxiety that are based on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. You want one that helps you understand the techniques and gives you the tools to practice them. It can take awhile of doing them before you see much result and the reason to get a therapist is to help you know which ones are the best for you and to check you really do know how to do them properly. If you cannot go to the library or bookstore and won't talk to the doctor there are some on-line resources http://www.psychwww.com/resource/selfhelp.htmI hope you find the help you need soon and start to feel better. Anxiety can be devastating and the anxiety can make it harder to seek treatment.


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## Guest

Hi Jeni and a very warm welcome to the boards. First off - panic ye not, you are not alone with these fears - not by a long chalk. I have every sympathy - my IBS is so mild as to be rarely bothersome but I've had my (major) battles with anxiety/depression and had to be hospitalised for 6 weeks. I'm lucky - my depression is well addressed by anti-depressant medication which I'm probably on for life - but I'm pragmatic - I'm nearly 47 and have a husband and 3 kids and just want to be well and operational for them.You are in a horrible chicken and egg situation aren't you were the 2 conditions; IBS and anxiety are sort of feeding off each other and if you can't take medication to address either - then you are going to have to learn some coping strategies - you can't become a prisoner in your own home can you? I'd suggest having a read around the CBT part of these forums and doing some research of your own to see whether you could access any sort of talking therapy - its abit hit and miss - you may be lucky and have access to a psychologist but then again some are probably much better than others.Perhaps knowing that you are not alone might help abit - are there any local support groups for IBS and/or anxiety/depression - you'd have to google and see.I'm sorry I can't offer more specific help but you must know - you aren't alone and these forums are very supportive.All the best - stay in touch won't you.Sue, Manchester, UK


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## jo reichmann

hi, i to have a phobia of being sick which is worse when i get the ibs. I just keep busy to get through it. I have ibs -d and anxiety/depression. I am on seroxat which in general keeps the anxiety at bay. Had a horrible episode last week and that set off the ibs. so now doing lots of research to find a better way of living. Diet appears to be imprtant. doc has told me to cut out roughage at mo and i dont eat diary. then in 6 - 8 weeks i can reintrouduce soluble fibre. Lots of sites tell you all about it. You have to take meds if you are ill - just try some differnt ones, theres always new ones coming out. i am sorry to hear about your medical problems, it must have been truly frightening. You really need some help. Have you a family member you can talk to? Good luck with it all.Jo


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## Guest

Hi there Jo and welcome to the boards. Interesting what you say about talking to a family member. My husband Paul was an absolute rock and tremendous support - could I talk to him though, at my very blackest - no, not really. Strangely enough, the person who (initially) helped me through the very worst of my yawningly black depression was a nursing auxiliary who used to do nights at the unit I was in for 6 weeks. In the wee smalls when I was really , really struggling in hopsital - she was absolutely there and somehow made things more bearable. Often its the least likely people who can actually help when you're on your beam end but you are right - you definately need some proper support from somewhere.Sue


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## Jeni

Yes, proper support, that is exactly what I need. The problem is that I don't know where to find it. I am tired of being afraid to have a life because something I do might make me end up sick. I am tired of being afraid that something I do might trigger off my IBS symptoms. I am tired of this anxiety, depression, and IBS getting in the way of me living my life. I mean I get scared just by deciding I need to go to the store, or like today when I decided I need to go to the DMV and renew my driver's permit, as if something bad might happen to me if I go and do what I need to do. And I always have more fear of going out and doing things when I am having a lot of IBS issues, like today. I feel like I am constipated and having diarrhea at the same time. Like I keep having to go to the toilet, kind of having urgency, but then I can't always do anything when I get there. And I am having abdominal cramps, along with the urgency feelings. And so I am wary of going out because I feel like I might get that urgent feeling and have an accident because I can't find a toilet quick enough, or something. It is just this dread of something bad happening that I live with every day. I don't know what to do anymore and I feel like these things are stealing my life away. I just wish I knew where I could get the proper support I need and I just wish I knew why I felt like something bad might happen to me whenever I am going to go somewhere. I wish I knew why I was afraid to go and do fun things like going to Wisconsin Dells with my family like I am in a couple weeks or like going to concerts like I did in July. I am even afraid to celebrate and have fun on holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. Part of that is because my last bad IBS flare happened at Christmas and I don't want to have another flare like that again. And also because I don't know what to do about Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner because I can't eat what my family prepares for those holiday dinners and I would have to have something separate from what everyone else is eating. A lot of my fears go back to that horrible IBS flare up, where I was in so much pain and felt so horribly ill that it scares me to even think of having that happen again. Also having had to go to the ER twice during that flare and having the experience be a bit traumatic, only added to my health related fears and then just when I was feeling a lot better, I ended up in the ER again having another traumatic experience when I had an ovarian cyst in March. That made my fears worse again, and I guess that has added to the feelings of dread I have when I contemplate doing something fun, that would make me feel good. It's just really hard, and I wish it all made more sense. I need help!! Somebody please help me!!!


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## Guest

Well we can't really help you here luv - only offer a cyber shoulder and reassure you, though horrible that these feelings are - you are not alone in feeling them. You need some sort of coping tool to break this cycle of dread and what if. At the end of the day, what you will have to come to realise is that the very worst that will happen is you soil yourself. Horrible, embarrasing yes but not life-threatening. So, be pragmatic about it - take a spare pair of knicks and some fresh wipes. If you're not careful - you'll end up a prisoner in your own home.Go and talk to the family doctor and see if they can refer you to a psychologist or psychiatrist if necessary - you need coping tools.Sue


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## Jeni

Yeah, I guess you're right. And I usually have that urgent feeling but don't mess myself. I haven't had an accident yet. And sometimes when I am feeling the way I am now, the constipation and diarrhea at the same time feeling, I have urgent feelings but can't go at all when I get there. That is the worst thing with anxiety, the fact that you worry for no reason because the thing you were worrying about doesn't even happen. I am just constantly afraid of a lot of things that go along with my IBS and I don't know how to cope with it. I spend lots of time afraid of being sick, whether because of my IBS or some other illness, when really I have no control over getting sick anyway and shouldn't worry about it. It is just very hard. I know that this is just an online forum and you can't help me directly, but I just wish someone could help me figure out why I feel the way I do and how to deal with it. What I really need is someone who I can call or talk to face to face who could help me cope with this stuff and help me figure out why I am having all these fears and why they seem to be getting worse. Also sometimes I just need to get it out and I just kind of pour it all out in my posts on this forum. I often just put all my feelings of needing help and support as well as all my fears and worries into my posts even though I know that there's not much people on here can do as we are just online and you're not where I am at that you could just reach out and help me like that. It's just the way I feel, that I feel like I just want to scream "Somebody please help me!!!" at the top of my voice. But any suggestions you do have would be greatly appreciated. Oh man I really wish my stomach would stop cramping the way it is and I wish I would stop feeling like I am constipated and like I have diarrhea all at once, either I can go or I can't not feeling both at once. Wish my gut would make up it's mind already (so to speak). I am going to try to figure out someone I can call to talk to or something because I really do need some direct help. Thanks for your support and for trying to help. Thanks for being there and allowing me to know I am not alone, I appreciate it, I really do.


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## we'reoutoftoiletpaper

Hi Jeni!I know just how you feel. i had an awful flare up a few weeks ago that caused me to miss work and stay indoors, afraid to go anywhere or do anything. I felt like a prisoner of my IBS, but mostly my anxiety about doing, eating anything. I think I actually made myself sicker through all my worry.You say you want to know why you feel this way, but i think you have said it. You're afraid of being sick because it feels so awful/. Perfectly logical if you think about it. Who in there right mind would do something they thought might hurt them? There have been times where I thought if I moved a certain way, I would have a horrible attack of diarrhea. You are letting your anxiety get the best of you and rule your life. What would you say to a close friend in the same situation. We often have a hard time taking care of ourselves because we marginalize our own well being. Whereas, we give great advice and go to great lengths for someone we care for. Why don't we do this for ourselves? Are we so awful? Are you not worth the time and effort it takes to get your life back? Think about it.Some of the best help I ever got for my often crippling anxiety was from psychology classes. Understanding why i feel the way i do makes me feel better. I kept a wonderful text book from a stress and coping class of mine that has some great exercises that i still do to manage my anxiety. It's called "Controlling Stress and Tension" and it's by Girdano, Dusek and Everly, Jr. Here is a link to the book on Amazon.http://www.amazon.com/Controlling-Stress-T...1213&sr=1-1I have also begun doing yoga at home for exercise and stress relief. I just go to youtube and watch any of the short videos on the yogatoday channel. I especially like the evening wind-down and exercise for insomnia. they really work and help you to center yourself and get some perspective. here is the link to the channel.http://www.youtube.com/user/yogatodayI have also tried some light meditating by using this video and breathing deeply. meditation is a powerful relaxation tool and is powered only by you! here is the video, just focus on the circle in the middle of the elephant's forehead and breathe deep. ALWAYS PRACTICE DEEP BREATHING. IT IS HARDER TO PANIC WHEN YOU ARE BREATHING SLOWLY, DEEPLY AND IN A CONTROLLED MANNER.



I believe it would also help you to take a little inventory of small successes. You are focusing very much right now on how awful you feel. You said it yourself, you have not messed yourself yet and you should be grateful for every day it does not happen. take baby step s and force yourself to do things you'd like to do like going somewhere or tasting something you like. every time you do not mess yourself, be happy, it's a good thing. you said the worst thing about anxiety is worrying about stuff that never happens, well turn that around and rejoice when your fears do not come true.take a look at the resources i've offered. i believe you'd really benefit from them. be nicer to yourself and know that you are not alone.~ili


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## Jeni

Thanks for the link to the yoga video, I looked at it but it doesn't really play very well on my computer. (I have a Macintosh laptop and sometimes it has problems playing youtube videos) I do have a workout video that has a short yoga workout at the end after the aerobic workout is over. I like to do those yoga exercises and I really do feel quite relaxed after I have done them, so I will return to that yoga workout. You're absolutely right about letting my anxiety get the best of me and rule my life and how I need to force myself to do things I'd like to do - like going places or tasting things I like. I think I might also find a videotape or DVD with a longer yoga workout on it, or even where the whole tape/DVD is a yoga workout. I told my sister I'd go to Wisconsin Dells with her in a couple weeks and I am not backing out, I am going to make myself go even though I am afraid for some unfocused reason (probably somehow related to my IBS or something health related). You're also right that I'm focusing too much on how awful I feel and I am going to try making an inventory of my small successes, for example how today I was able to get up and take a shower after having several days of feeling like I couldn't even do that, because I just didn't have any energy and it felt like even the smallest thing took a herculean effort. I have noticed that I expect far too much from myself, especially when my depression and anxiety are very bad like they are now, I expect to be able to do much more than I actually can do. I try to take on way more things than I can realistically do when I am doing okay, let alone trying to do that much when I am feeling awful like I am right now. I also realize that I go out of my way to take care of other people and that I am much more caring and nurturing to others than I am to myself. I don't know why it is so hard to be good to myself and go out of my way to make sure I am okay the way I am good to everyone else and go out of my way to make sure other people are okay, I wish I did. I don't understand why we believe it's not okay to take care of ourselves, that taking time for ourselves and going out of our way to make sure we are okay is not okay. I don't get why we think that it's more important to care for others and do everything we can to make sure others are cared for than it is do those same things for ourselves. It doesn't make sense because if we don't take care of ourselves, how can we expect to be able to take care of other people. I definitely need to try meditation and deep breathing, it seems like they'll help. I really do need to allow my well being to be the most important thing, and I need to do what I can to keep myself from becoming a prisoner of my IBS, because that is where I've been headed. I talked to an on call doctor from my regular doctor's office and she said I should make an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, because my doctor can probably help me come up with a better plan for my anxiety, depression, and probably even for my IBS also, since I am having almost a phobic reaction to taking medications right now. I am going to do whatever I can to get through this and to keep from becoming a prisoner in my own home, so I am going to need to force myself to go and renew my driver's permit tomorrow or Thursday. I really do need to go places, even if I just walk the dog around the neighborhood or something like that. I am going to try to be nicer to myself and I am going to try to remember that I am not alone. Thanks for all your suggestions and for being here to let me know I'm not alone and for your support. I am going to try your suggestions and see if they help.


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## Guest

Well good for you luv - and do remember - whether depressed or no, its a woman's lot to feel guilty. I work 2 days' a week - I feel guilty (in the holidays) cos I'm not with our littlest one (who is 9), then I feel guilty that I don't work more and contribute more to the family's coffers. Yes, try to like yourself abit more and don't be so hard on yourself - set yourself a goal or two a day and congratulate yourself when you've accomplished those.Stick around luv - we're all here for you albeit in a virtual capacity.Sue xxx


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## we'reoutoftoiletpaper

I'm glad to hear you're committed to your well-being. As Sue mentioned, it's a woman's lot in life to feel guilty about stupid stuff. sometimes i think men have it so easy, not batting an eye at being self-serving or doing something less-than-selfless. it is SO COMMON to be able to care for others but not for yourself. i'm pursuing my master's in psychology and one of the requirements for my program is to RECIEVE so many hours of counseling AS WELL AS giving it. like you said, it is integral that we help ourselves to be able to help others.sorry those videos didn't work out for you but definitely pick some up. i'm going to the local used bookstore to shop around for some more yoga videos. i just love them. they're a wonderful way to remember to breathe and truly focus on just you, even for just 20 minutes a day. i can't tell you how many times a day i stop and realize i'm not breathing. my heart is pounding and my chest is constricted and i'm just NOT using my full lung capacity. no wonder i feel like i'm choking! meditation can be hard to do because it involves clearing your mind, that's why i like the video because it gives you something to focus on. visualizing something or staring at a candle flame in a dark room may help to clear your mind and relax. hooray for small successes. today i knew it was "my day" to have a BM and i was so scared it was going to be awful and painful and it totally wasn't! every little thing can be a success and the more you focus on all the little good things, the less you think about all the bad stuff. i believe you'll find you are able to bounce back a bit easier when you do have setbacks and you'll be able to view them as such: minor setbacks. you just take a deep breath, relax and get back to what you love. IBS can only keep you down if you let it. so don't let it! good luck at the doc's. be sure to articulate what you feel and what you want to get out of the visit. if you feel you have not been helped in the way you would like, ask them to refer you to someone or someplace else that can. your health and well being is your priority and you have to let others know that.also, thank you so much for letting me advise you. i get a tremendous amount of satisfaction and help for myself when i am able to help others. it is very therapeutic and it boosts my self-esteem as well. perhaps you will be able to do the same for someone else. i don't feel ike i've got all the answers but i've got a good ear and some pretty good suggestions so i think it works. be well and be happy.~ili


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## Guest

I love your name (last poster) and what a refreshingly down to earth sensible sort of bod you sound.A very warm welcome to these boards.Sue


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## we'reoutoftoiletpaper

thanks Sue! I've only just come out of a rather bad place and it's helped tremendously to read others' stories and respond with my somewhat limited perspective. i know i'll see you around these boards!~ili


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## Guest

You betcha - oooooh - you live in California - how exotic - swap yer - I'm in Manchester!!!!!Sue


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## Jeni

Every time my stomach does something I am not expecting or not used to it doing, I freak out and get really anxious, which only makes things worse. Right now it's really gassy and crampy. And I don't like it. IBS sucks because it's so unpredictable and I never really know for sure what my stomach will do from day to day. I see my doctor on Monday, and I am going to talk to her about all the stuff I am experiencing lately with my anxiety and I am going to see if she can refer me to a psychiatrist I can see more often than once a month (like the one that is at the clinic I see my regular doc at) and I am going to see what else she thinks might be helpful. I do have an appointment with the psychiatrist at my regular doctor's clinic on September 8th(I think) and I am going to ask her about these health fears also and see what she says about it. She may have some insights that my regular doctor and therapist do not. I just wish I understood why I have such a great fear of medications and stuff like that. I hope that my doctor and psychiatrist will be able to help me understand it, but I don't know if they will. I see my therapist tomorrow. We have moved to only having appointments every other week so that I still have enough coverage on my insurance for the DBT group I am on the waiting list for. I am going to talk to her about these feelings also, and I am also going to talk to her about the way I feel I have to avoid everything to control my anxiety and depression and the things I feel because of them. Avoidance of lots of different kinds of things out of fear is a big problem in my life right now, if I avoid too many more things, I won't be living at all, I'll just be existing. I just don't know how to break the habit of avoiding things and it makes the anxiety worse and keeps me feeling depressed longer the more I do it. I just don't know how to cope with this stuff anymore and the coping mechanisms I am using now aren't helping and some of them are actually causing more harm than good. I just don't know what to do anymore. But right now I am going to go on Barnes and Noble.com and order myself a yoga video or two. Maybe yoga will become one of my healthier ways to cope with this stuff, who knows. I know it can't hurt, because it's exercise, relaxation, and meditation all rolled into one.


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## we'reoutoftoiletpaper

Yoga is a wonderful way to relax and focus on your body in a positive way. I found a whole bunch of videos at the local Rasputin. A music store that buys/sells/trades movie and music is a good way to go because they'll have stuff for really cheap. So will amazon. I suffer from anxiety that causes me to avoid things as well. What you and many others with IBS experience sounds similar to post-traumatic stress which is usually associated with veterans and rape survivors but it can also arise after illness. Whatever the case, it is very important for you to speak with a professional who is sensitive to your situation. If, at any time, you feel your needs are not being met, or you are not being taken seriously, just see somebody else. I think you are aware of the fact that avoiding things does not necessarily make you feel better. Even if you do avoid stressful situations, like you said, you are not really living. Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Go out. It doesn't have to be anything big. Go for a walk around your block, if you make it around the block without needing the bathroom, go a second time, and so on. See how far you can get. Like I said in a previous post, be thankful for small successes. If you go a whole day without having diarrhea and pain, be grateful. If you manage to get someplace other than home without having to use the bathroom, be grateful and let it motivate you to do more. I would suggest, because you are focusing so much on the negative, to keep a journal of good things or things that make you laugh or just something small you appreciate during the day. Keep it somewhere you can return to it when you are feeling anxious or gloomy. I keep all the funny e-mails I get from my friends and return to them when I need a good laugh. Sometimes we get so mired down in our sickness that we forget there's a big beautiful world out there with wonderful people in it. One of my favorite exercises from that book I told you about involves writing yourself a fear letter. In the letter, you catastrophize and write all the things you fear. You let it sit a day, come back and write another, even worse than the last. The third day, you come back and circle in red all the things that are totally unrealistic (i.e. you're going to die a lonely, sick old woman who's never lived a day in her life and has no friends, stuff like that). Then (this is the best part) you burn it in a ceremonious fashion. When I finished mine, i burned it in my backyard in the barbecue; it was very liberating. I did it with other stuff too, old pictures, letters, painful memories. It really helped me to let go a bit. Enjoy the yoga, it will help you a lot. And try going for walks around your block (remember, your bathroom is not more than a few steps away). See how many laps you can do. It will empower you and get you out of the house. Be honest in your sessions with the therapist and be sure to get what you want out of it. Be well an dbe happy.~ili


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## Jeni

I actually do have a bunch of positive things written down in my journal, I should really write some positive things in there everyday. I have song lyrics that inspire me, my favorite prayers, affirmations, a poem called Footprints, a list of uplifting, positive things to do when I am feeling bad, and stuff like that. I saw my therapist today and it didn't seem to go very well. First of all I was trying to describe what I feel when I am going to go somewhere and how it's just a feeling of dread that something bad might happen without being very specific at all and I couldn't get it out right. As the session went on, I felt like my therapist didn't take me seriously and I felt invalidated. She actually asked me if I am even trying and I just felt like screaming at her, how can you ask me if I am even trying when even the most minor of tasks feels like a herculean effort, when I am trying hard just to do basic, everyday things, when I am trying as hard as I can just to live life on a daily basis. Then she asked me what I need to get better and I have no idea what I need to get better, if I knew that I wouldn't be struggling so much would I? I would have asked for what I need already if I knew what it was. I just feel like none of my needs were met and that my feelings were totally invalidated. It really sucked. That fear letter thing sounds interesting, I might have to give it a try. It does sound similar to post traumatic stress, doesn't it. I have had post traumatic stress before, because I was sexually abused and raped as a child. This is pretty similar, isn't it. I never thought of it that way before. I can discuss that with my doctor, too, and the psychiatrist that I see next month. Maybe that will help me find a way to cope with the fear and get past it. And here's a small success for me to be happy about today, I was starting to be a bit nervous about taking Advil, like a couple weeks ago, I had cramps and couldn't bring myself to take any Advil for them, but today I had a toothache and was able to take Advil for it without too much of a problem. Also my cousins gave me a good laugh this evening. They made up their own little mock Who wants to be a Millionaire game for me and asked me the questions, which were really funny and I laughed so hard I was almost crying. This one question was about this kids T.V. show they used to watch when they were little and I was totally not expecting them to ask about it, I didn't even think they remembered it. It was hilarious!! So there are two things for me to be happy about today, a small success and a funny event.


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## overitnow

Hi Jeni,I just wandered into this thread. One of the things I found so awful about this condition--and mine was 10 years long on a daily basis--was the lack of control it gave me over my whole life. One day, looking for some relief for a building heart condition, I started taking a supplement that eventually not only allowed me to dramatically lower my risk of a heart attack but also eventually stopped my D. it was one of those unexpected blessings we sometimes get when we are at the end of our ropes. We have dramatically different pasts and probably no similarities of causation; but relief is possible: that is the one thing I have learned. There is no way of making a childhood rape go away, with all of the fears that must have created; but somehow, you need to bury or burn that experience as something that happened to you but not something you caused. I can see how that kind of thing of setting aside the guilt in my own life is the only way I have been able to to get along. Hopefully you will be given some tools that will help you with that, as well. I wish you the best with this.


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## Guest

Well your therapist doesn't sound much cop luv if you don't mind me saying so. What sounds much more positive is your pleasure in little things - thats a right positive step = honest. I remember when I was crawling out of the hellhole of depression - my (then) little 6 year old drew me the most wonderful picture - its of her and Milo (our sheltie) on the trampoline and a huge smiley sun - with the caption "the sun is the best thing of the day". I put it on my wall in the unit where I was - and then I remember asking Paul to buy me a little pot plant - slowly - I started trying to make the pretty grim surroundings of a mental unit seem abit more homely and that seem to trigger a real positive brightening of my mood. You have to cling to the little things - when you are feeling fragile - its amazing how potent they can be.Sue xxxx


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## Leeona

Hi Jeni! I was so happy to read your post! I am EXACTLY the same way! I feel that it's not the IBS that controls my life, but the fear of it! I have been on Zoloft for years for my anxiety, but when my IBS flares up, it really doesn't do much to help. I too fear doing simple things like going to the store. When we have family come to visit, I am anxious the whole time because I don't want to have an episode and ruin everyone's fun. When I am in the middle of an IBS episode, I start to think about hospitals, and doctors, and how they all scratch their heads trying to figure out what is wrong with you. I HATE taking meds. Even Tylenol is a big push for me. I have to feel like I am dying before I will take it. I also find that when I am battling with the IBS, it really exhausts me. I guess because I am trying so hard to hide it from everyone else. I don't want my Husband to know how I am feeling because I am afraid he will think I am a mental case. After an episode, I can lay down and sleep for hours! I fear having to work a regular job, because I don't know how I would get through the day! I usually won't go for like 3 days, and then around day 3 or 4, it hits me. So, as you can guess, about that time, I really don't want to go anywhere or do anything in fear that I will be out in public when it hits. I don't have a problem with going in public restrooms, it's the nausea, and the shaking, dry mouth, sweating, and major fear that make me not want to be in public when it happens. I feel like I completely shut down when it happens, and that is all I can focus on. I try to distract myself, and I can't focus at all! I have seen several psychiatrists, and it has helped a little, although it's still not ideal. That is why I joined this site. I am hoping that by talking to others with the same problem, I can accept that this is more normal than I thought, and perhaps be able to accept my condition a little easier so that I won't get so freaked out when it happens. Good luck to you, I hope you get the support you need here!


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## Guest

Hi there Leona and welcome to the boards. What you're describing are pretty "normal" symptoms for anxiety/panic attacks - they are frightening and debillitating UNTIL you realise that is all they are. I suffer from anxiety/depression (don't really have IBS) and now have learnt some deep breathing and relaxation techniques which help me ride them out. You might want to look into yoga or some sort of relaxation classes - what you really need to have are some coping tools at your disposal. I still have anxiety attacks - mercifully not that often (I'm on a moderate dose of an SSRI derivative) but now I'm OK about them cos I know how to cope.Sue


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## Leeona

Thanks for the encouragement. I have battled with the anxiety for so long. The biggest relief was finding out what it was. That took a while. I didn't know what was wrong with me, and that was scary! I am pretty good at doing the relaxation breathing....i just have to be able to focus. I also see a psychiatrist on a regular basis, as there are underlying issues at work here. It's been helpful....but it seems like I take two steps forward and one step back. I was feeling so good recently, that I tried going off the zoloft. Big mistake. I haven't been right since. I went back on it, back to my regular dose, but I seem to keep having these relapses....which is very frustrating! I know that if I got my anxiety under control better, the IBS would be much better. Or at least it wouldn't worry me as much. I will get there. Practice makes perfect! Thanks again!


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## Guest

You are welcome luv. I don't think any of us, by choice would choose to rely on medication - I don't like it and the attendant side-effects - but you've got to be pragmatic - some of us need that extra helping hand - I know I do.Sue xxxx


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## Jeni

I had an appointment with my regular doctor and she listened to what I had to say and acknowledged my feelings, even when I mentioned how things aren't going well in therapy and the things my therapist said. She didn't have much she could really do, what with my phobic reaction to medications right now, but she did refer me to the Integrative Medicine Clinic associated with her clinic. She also said that she would talk to the social worker who works at her clinic to see about finding me a psychiatrist that I can see more often than the one at her clinic who is only there once a month. She also said she would talk to the social worker about getting me into a kind of therapy for people with specific phobias that helps them face the thing they are afraid of a little at a time, she called it desensitization. She gave the example of a person who is afraid of flying at first just looking at pictures of planes flying, then going to the airport and looking at planes, then going to the airport and sitting in a plane that's not going anywhere, until they can eventually fly in an airplane again without panicking and having a phobic reaction. I think that would be helpful, although I don't really know exactly how that would work with medications. The Integrative Medicine Clinic is where they do like mindfulness, meditation, acupuncture, acupressure, yoga, massage and stuff like that. I think that could be pretty helpful, but I don't really understand all of it. I don't really know what all those things are, I mean I know what yoga is and massage, and I have heard of acupuncture and acupressure before, but I have never really known much about them at all. I am pretty sure mindfulness and meditation would be helpful, but I am not really sure how to do them and what they are really like. I have tried them on my own but it would be a lot better if I could have someone teach them to me. They also have psychologists there that do biofeedback, hypnosis, stress reduction, as well as mindfulness and meditation techniques. I think these things might actually be able to help me, but I also worry that they might not help me either. I sometimes fear that there's nothing that can help me and that I am doomed to feel this way for the rest of my life. Not true, I know, but my feelings haven't gotten the memo. I just feel like all my feelings are bottled up inside me and I don't know how to let them out. It's like I can't find the release valve and the pressure of my feelings just keeps building up and up. I sometimes have no idea how to release my feelings, like I know what they are but I don't know how to actually feel and express them, at least not in a way that truly allows me to have a release and feel better. Maybe some of those Integrative Medicine things will allow me to find the way to do it. Who knows? Right now I just know it feels awful to feel like I can't be helped, like I may be stuck feeling this way for the rest of my life. Oh well, maybe I will finally find something or several somethings that finally do help me when I go to the Integrative Medicine Clinic. I just know I am fed up with fear and fed up with feeling stuck.


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## BQ

Hey Jeni this was really a very positive development for you today. So glad to hear your Doc is so responsive. I think if you can get to the Integrative Medicine Clinic ... and you do what you have/need/want to there... the sky's the limit!Try to be encouraged! I am so hopeful for you!Wish you all the best and DO let us know how you do!BQ


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## we'reoutoftoiletpaper

Hey Jen. Glad to hear you're moving forward, this is a good thing. Sometimes it takes considerable effort to recognize and appreciate positive things in our lives but it's an effort worth making.I find it interesting that a lot of the words you used to describe your feelings are words you could also use to describe your bowel problems, i.e. "release" and "stuck." Our stomachs often mirror the state of our emotions: being constipated or pent up, having diarrhea or needing emotional release. When we have turmoil in our lives our stomachs often reflect that. Finding healthy and constructive ways to express yourself is a step in the right direction and may help to ease some pressure off of your tummy. I know you are apprehensive but you must move forward, for your own sake. It may be slow and frustrating at times but you are worth it, try to remember that. Be healthy and happy.~ili


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## Journo24

I am going through the same thing - and I think that you might have hit on the answer when your doctor told you you had bacterial vaginosis! Don't take the antibiotics! I have IBS and bacterial vaginosis too (since last christmas) i took the antibotics three times and it only made the bacterial vaginosis worse - it gets rid of it for about a week and then you get it back.. and then i got IBS cos i had no good bacteria. The irony is, the antibiotics kill the bacteria you need to cure the bacterial vaginosis! and I am absolutely 100% positive they are linked. I am not a doctor but I got the two at the same time.. If you have bacterial vaginosis and ibs i suggest at leastrobiotic capsulesFibre supplement (contains pre-biotics which feed probiotics)Garlic capsulesGrapeseed oil (few drops in a drink)Also treat the anxiety - thats defo an issue.. I will also copy and paste the post i put on here earlier. I think it might help you - at least I hope it does! I am 24 right now and came on here to help. I am a logical person who refuses to give up and i would not believe that my IBS was just IBS and that there was no reason for it no matter what the 'doctors' said.. It's affecting my life too much and i am too young to just give up and say oh im stuck with it! I knew that I must have some actual problem and that it must be solvable. I think to be honest the whole thing was brought on by stress and too much processed stuff and yeast from bread and the alcohol i was drinking once a week. My IBS is very psychological but is definitely also because of nutrition. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I found this book the other day called 'Hard to Stomach' Real Solutions to Your Digestion Problems by Dr John McKenna - I'm sure you can buy it online somewhere.. But if you have IBS I suggest EVERYONE buy and read this book, as it has turned into my bible! I realised that the problem for me was a build up of bad bacteria and lack of good bacteria in my stomach. Its offically called 'fermentation dysbiosis' and can be caused over a number of years by a build up - I was doing everything on the list that caused it including taking the contraceptive pill, drinking heavily once a week (binge drinking), eating processed foods, eating at weird times (ie heavy meals at night) too much sugar and most importantly - living a highly stressful life, which is the main cause of this. Over the years or months this lifestyle takes a huge tole on the digestive system which ends up being badly affected. I am now on a strict detox and following the diet in the book to the absolute T. It is so hard not to cheat, as I am getting major detox symptoms such as bad cravings for sugar (i have had to cut out ALL sugar) headaches and complete lack of energy.. apparently it takes 6 MONTHS to clean out your system entirely when it as got as bad as mine had.. most people probably give up before then (trust me, the IBS was getting pretty awful - all I had to do was think about it and my stomach would growl..) For the first month you must cut out all yeast, bread, sugar alcohol, fruit (apart from grapefruit) and just stick to proteins such as veg, fresh meat, dairy - yogurts are good (i suppose some people are allegic to this but for me i dont think its that bad, if u are i think probiotic tablets are a good substitute) tofu, and fish mainly.. you can have yeast free crackers and stuff and i'm allowing myself some potatoes, but mostly pasta and potatoes are out too. The second month you reintroduce some stuff. And not until three months have past can you reintroduce foods with yeast in very slowly, alternating foods to see which ones affect you the worst - for some people this might be bread, others it might be dairy or whatever their trigger foods for IBS are. Not everyone will have my exact problem but I think it is worth getting the book and seeing if it can help. It was the best 10 euro i ever spent. I am also taking pro-biotic capsules at night and Colax (an aloe vera colon cleansing tablet) all of which were relatively cheap. I take a herbal calming tablet when i feel myself getting stressed out. I practice deep breathing and am considering taking up yoga. I am introducing fibre into my diet more now too. Hopefully all this will work. The final thing my book told me to do was take grapeseed oil and you guessed it - DIGESTIVE ENZYMES. The book emphasised how part of the problem was the lack of enzymes due to stress.. it stands to reason though, you don't break down the food properly and its going to wreak havoc on your small intestines!! I will defo be getting the enzymes. I just hope more people read our posts and get help too. Knowing something can help is such a relief.. I know I will not allow myself to get too stressed anymore, and I am also looking forward to 6 months time when my system is clean. I know i will need to watch what i eat forever, as perhaps some people are more prone to ibs then others, but knowing there are things we can do to almost completely eradicate the symtoms is amazing!


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## Jeni

The whole thing of taking supplements is tough for me because I have this phobic thing about medications and stuff like that. I am afraid of getting sick (especially with my stomach due to my horrible IBS flare up at Christmastime) I don't know how I will react to probiotics and that scares me. I had one of those Ensure protein drinks with prebiotics in it and it made me horribly sick. I don't think my stomach can handle prebiotics well, that's why the Ensure drink made me sick, because I had had them before they started adding the prebiotics to them and I handled them just fine. I have so much anxiety around my health right now that it really is a phobia. I literally panic when I have to consider taking medications and if I even have the slightest inkling that I might be getting sick in some way. I also could never do that detox diet thing because one of the few things I can eat without getting sick is potatoes and you have to give them up for that diet, and I would also have to quit rice which is what the only milk I can drink without getting sick is made of. It just wouldn't work for me. I have so few things I can actually eat that that diet would cut my diet down to almost nothing. Diet is a very important part of dealing with IBS, though, as is dealing with stress and trying to have as stress free of a life as is possible. I don't know how to deal with this anxiety disorder anymore, I think it is more debilitating for me now that even my depression is. I have specific phobias (health, bridges, heights, etc.), Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and panic attacks/panic disorder. The health phobia is one phobia that comes in two different ways - as a fear of medications and a fear of sickness/health related type fear. This anxiety is ruining my life, it seems like it has taken over my life. It is getting in the way of so much that I want to do, like getting out of the house or going back to school to finish my bachelor's degree, to getting a job, and more. I am even afraid to have a relationship with a man because I don't think he'll be able to accept me with all my issues and because I fear I would be self conscious around him and not be able to truly be myself. I also fear that my issues would constantly put strain on the relationship and that it wouldn't be easy for us to go out to dinner and things like that because of my limited diet. I also think that a guy would quickly tire of my constantly being afraid to do things. Oh well. I just feel like I am never going to be able to have a life because of this IBS, anxiety, and depression. It feels like it will never get better. I spent a lot of today crying because I am afraid of the silliest thing, I am afraid to make a dentist appointment because I fear he'll say I need antibiotics and I am terribly afraid to take them and fear I wouldn't be able to get myself to take them once prescribed. I am pretty sure I need at least a root canal on like 3 of my teeth, and I don't want the dentist to say any are abscessed and require me to take antibiotics also. I fear them because I know for sure they'll upset my stomach and that is the main reason I have developed this crazy health phobia in the first place because of how my stomach was at Christmastime, it was that bad. I also am afraid that I will end up allergic to a 3rd class of antibiotics, because that is what happened before, with Penicillin and Sulfa, I could take them and then one time it was prescribed for me and I had an allergic reaction. I have had hives and have had vomiting when that wasn't supposed to be a side effect of the antibiotic. I am afraid that I will find out I am allergic to another antibiotic by having my face and throat swell - basically going into anaphalactic shock after taking one of the antibiotic pills. I am just so tired of being afraid of so many things, so many irrational things. I just want it to be over. I am hoping that the Integrative Medicine clinic will be able to help me because I really feel like I am at the end of my rope. I feel like I just want to give up and I have times where I feel like I want to die rather than continue to be in pain and be afraid. I hate feeling this way and I don't want to feel this way anymore. I just wish I knew what to do!! And of course all of this anxiety and fear isn't good for my stomach at all. My IBS is not good at all right now, I don't know what feels worse, having diarrhea for awhile or being constipated for what feels like months at a time. I honestly have been constipated for the past month and it just doesn't seem to be letting up. I mean the constipation will let up for a few days only to come right back and last for a couple of weeks, but I have been having that same pattern of a couple of weeks of constipation with a few days relief and then a couple more weeks constipation for awhile and it literally feels like I have been constipated for months now. It's a stress thing, I know, this has happened to me before. And really the times I am not constipated are not much of a relief because I then have diarrhea for a few days. Well at least I am not still having diarrhea that seems to last for a couple of months with a few days to a week of constipation in between (knock on wood though because it could happen, it has before and is also a stress thing sometimes happens during very stressful times). And I have forgotten what it feels like to actually sleep at night and wake up in the morning. My life just sucks so much right now. I wish I knew what to do. I just have to remember to call and make my appointment with the Integrative Medicine clinic so I can see if that helps.


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## Jeni

How can a dentist's appointment make my stomach all messed up? I suppose it could be the nitrous oxide, but I don't know. I had a wisdom tooth I didn't even know I still had pulled and had another tooth filled to stop horrible toothache pain. The dentist was going to prescribe vicodin but I had to tell him about this weird medicine phobia I have happening right now and he told me I didn't have to have the vicodin and that I could take Advil instead. He said if I changed my mind and wanted something that I could call and leave a message and he'd call something in for me. I won't be changing my mind, though, I am way too scared of the vicodin for that. I know that it makes me sick and I can't take it. Why do I have to be afraid of getting sick and taking medicine, it makes no sense and it messes up my life. Why do I have to be afraid of everything? I hate having IBS because crazy things mess with my stomach for no apparent reason. I am just going to lay down and see if that helps calm my tummy down. I just wish there was a medication for anxiety I could take that relaxed me the way nitrous oxide does. If I could have that feeling from a pill, I would be great. It is such a deep relaxation that I feel a bit sleepy, but yet I can still be awake and it doesn't seem to mess with my stomach other than making it feel very relaxed and loose - which leads to me feeling like I need the toilet, but that's okay, because it's not a sick feeling, just a loose, relaxed one. If I could have an anti-anxiety med like that, that I could be guaranteed that there'd be no stomach upset or diarrhea, then I would take it or it would at least be a ton easier to convince myself to take it. I can't even get that guarantee from nortriptyline because although there's not really any nausea, it at times does cause diarrhea or at least it makes me have loose stools pretty often, but without the cramping and nauseous feelings that I associate with having diarrhea. But if there was something that could be like the way nitrous oxide is that would be easier to convince myself to take, cause I feel so relaxed and it doesn't upset my stomach at all. But then I say that and then if I did find something I probably would still be scared, that's what happened with the nortriptyline and I know it doesn't make me sick, but only changes my stools some. I don't know how to overcome this thing, it's such a messed up problem to have. Aw man, now I'm hungry and don't want anything to eat and am thirsty but don't want anything to drink. This really sucks!


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## BQ

Jeni Any kind of trauma can make an IBS gut go nuts. So can any kind of stress.. even happy stress. So that's not really a surprise. I'm sorry you are feeling so poorly though.And about the meds...You are not alone. I literally don't know a soul who likes to be on meds. But sometimes they are just necessary.Vicodan makes me sick too. And yeah the first time I ever had it was from my DMD as well. And.. I threw up after taking it... which wasn't much fun since my mouth was uber sore to start with. So I called his office the next day, told him what happened and asked if that was like "normal" for the dental work I had done. He said, "No... but with your gut... who knows??? Maybe it is normal for you." He knows I have IBS. And he thought my gut might just be more sensitive to it... so he asked me to try taking an antihistamine WITH it. So I did and lo and behold... no nausea and no more throwing up. And to this day if I ever have to take vicodan.. I use Benadryl (diphenhydramine) WITH it and no problems. So in that case.. one med helped me handle another.Have you called and gotten an appointment with the Integrative Medicine Clinic yet?? I'm sure once you begin treating this phobia... you will enable yourself to feel much better. And also.. once at the clinic... or when you call your Doc....see if they can indeed give you more effective anti anxiety meds.All the bestBQ


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## Jeni

Yes, I have an appointment with Integrative Medicine on Sept. 22. I remember when I had to have arthroscopic surgery on both knees, one at a time and the first time I was horribly sick immediately following the surgery, I threw up in the car on the way home (luckily there was a plastic bag so I didn't mess up the seats and stuff) on the second one they gave me benadryl afterward and I didn't even get nauseous at all, and didn't throw up, so I know that that can work as an anti-nausea medication. Yeah I guess all the shots and pulling and stuff probably made my stomach go nuts. I hope the integrative medicine docs will be able to help me get through this phobia. I don't know if more meds is going to do any good until this phobia is dealt with.


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## BQ

> I don't know if more meds is going to do any good until this phobia is dealt with.


I think you are right Jeni.. I think you will find it much easier once you get going in earnest with the help at the Center!Only a bit more to wait on that and I hope you aren't feeling too terribly sore tonight.(((Hugs)))BQ


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## Jeni

No I wasn't feeling terribly sore the other night, but sometimes if I sleep wrong or grind my teeth in my sleep it makes my mouth and jaw sore. I am having trouble with some odd symptoms making me more anxious. I keep feeling like dizzy or lightheaded for no apparent reason at random times throughout the day, and I keep having this sort of sore, dry feeling in my throat that is like an on and off kind of feeling, it doesn't last long at all. But I feel these things and get all freaked out. And of course my anxiety is up so my stomach is not acting right either, which just makes me more anxious. Like my stomach is all crampy and gassy, and at times it gets a bit queasy. It freaks me out, and my stomach acts up more, which freaks me out more, it's just a vicious circle. I am so tired of anxiety, I feel like I am crazy for feeling all this anxiety for no real reason. The fears are irrational, I know that, but that doesn't help me stop them. I sure hope the Integrative Medicine doctor can help me with this. I just wish I understood why it's so hard to do simple things like brush my teeth or even get dressed. Sometimes it's even hard to go get something to eat. I just feel so bad, and it's much worse at night for some reason, I feel like giving up. I am starting to feel like a prisoner in my own home because I get anxious and then I don't feel up to going anywhere, and just stay home instead. I feel scared to do things when it's just for me, but if like my family is involved or if I have an appointment, then I can do it and it's not that hard. Why is that? Man, I don't understand and I just feel so bad!!


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## BQ

Your best bet may be to get yourself busy & occupied in something else to get your mind and attention _off_ of every little thing you are feeling in your body. Either get busy doing something inside or go on out for a short trip to the library or a shop etc.... Distraction is an excellent tool.Hope you can make yourself a good weekend! BQ


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## Jeni

Sometimes it's very hard to get my mind off of every little thing that's happening inside me, but movies are quite helpful as a distraction. I had a psychiatrist's appointment and she suggested a kind of exposure therapy to help me with my medication phobia and possibly even my fears of trying new foods. She said for the meds we'd start off with me coming into the clinic and sitting with someone while I hold the pill bottle until the anxiety level decreases, and we'd do that several times until it doesn't get to that panic stage, then we try sitting with someone and holding one of the pills in my hand, etc., etc., until that stops triggering my panic and anxiety, until finally I get to a point of actually being able to take my meds. I thought that was a great idea because trying to get over this medication phobia thing all alone isn't working and is scarier than trying to do something about it with someone there with me for support. I don't want to be like this anymore, but just trying to get better with therapy and no meds is totally not working. It sucks to be afraid of taking medications because I know that they could really help me get out of this place I am in. I am so tired of being afraid and depressed, something's gotta help, cause anything's better than this. I am so tired of worrying, and so tired of being stuck. I hope this stuff helps.


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## BQ

Sounds like it will indeed help! It WILL be work on your part though.. so keep that in mind.Just stick with it and don't give up!All the bestBQ


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## Kathleen M.

Sounds like a plan.


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## Jeni

Yeah if we ever get the exposure therapy arranged and started, it will be a plan. I enrolled in an online bachelor's degree program, I am hoping that will give me a sense of direction and purpose in my life and that concentrating on school will keep my mind off of my anxiety and stuff better. I hope it helps me feel better. I just feel like my anxiety is getting worse and worse and there's nothing I can do about it. My cousin had some virus this past week, she came home from an after school football game or something and she was sick. She had a fever and aches and pains, and fatigue and that's about it, and a couple days later she was better. And now she's not even sick anymore but when I heard that she was sick I just totally freaked. And my anxiety level hasn't decreased since then. It's been 4 days and I am still anxious. It feels like the anxiety is spreading to every part of my life. The original trigger was my cousin got sick and I was scared I would catch it, but now that trigger is past, my cousin isn't sick anymore, so I have no reason to be afraid of getting sick from her. Now I am just afraid of like everything. I had an appointment today with a therapist to see if she would work out as my new therapist, and I was like terrified to go to the appointment and I don't know why. The whole time I was gone I was extremely anxious, I felt like I couldn't breath, I was practically having a panic attack. I am always afraid I might have picked up germs or something from touching things, and I am like totally paranoid about washing my hands. Like I washed my hands 3 or 4 times in the time it took for me to microwave 2 baked potatoes and some bacon. I feel like I am starting to have OCD and agoraphobia or something. It's awful. I just feel like I am becoming more and more anxious about more and more things, pretty soon I am going to be a prisoner in my own home and be unable to do anything. Everything I am anxious about somehow comes back to being afraid to get sick, but I feel so crazy for being afraid of the things I am afraid of. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe my new therapist will be able to help me. And next week is my appointment with Integrative Medicine clinic, so maybe that will help too. I just sometimes feel like I will never get better and that there's nothing that can help me and it sometimes makes me feel like I'd rather die that continue feeling this way. Is that a sign that I might be suicidal, feeling that way? I hope not. This is just getting out of control now and I don't know how to get control of my life back. Ugh! it sucks!


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## BQ

WoW! You enrolled in College! Awesome! I think that is just great Jeni and I think you are right.. it will indeed give you some purpose, direction and also keep your mind definitely busy!Your cousin being sick definitely triggered something. But keep trying to tell yourself that she is fine and you will be too. Even though you felt like utter crud... you WENT to see the therapist today! And I think you ought to give yourself a pat on the back for that! I know that was really really hard for you. BUT.. you did it!Don't get discouraged now.. you have less than a week til your appointment at the Integrated Medicine Clinic. You have already had your psychiatrist present you with the idea of exposure therapy. (Have you and she/he started that yet??) And now you are interviewing therapists! You won't be feeling this bad always! Just hold on a bit... and be patient. Things WILL get better! Take an honest inventory of what you HAVE been able to do despite the anxiety. Hold UP your successes... like getting out there anyway & making your appointment while feeling just awful. And also do not forget to look forward a bit... College is something wonderful to look forward to. Excellent that you can attend online and I sure do wish you all the best with it.So all is not dark and dreary.... there is light.. just focus a bit more on the positives and leave the negatives alone for a bit. BQ


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## Jeni

No the psychiatrist hasn't started the exposure therapy yet, there are some details we have to figure out. I know that I need to look more at the positives than the negatives. It's really hard to do that sometimes. It sometimes feels like it will never get better. I will just keep trying to look forward, be excited about school and keep looking for scholarships and stuff like that. It just feels so bad and so hard sometimes.


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## Jeni

I didn't sleep at all last night and now my stomach is all messed up. Think my D is back and I just feel bleh. My anxiety is worse too. It's weird, earlier this morning I tried to sleep and I just had so much anxiety, I was all shaky and I was breathing hard. Then my stomach started feeling messed up and then I had to use the toilet. It was loose and urgent the way D always is and my stomach was all crampy, I hate feeling like this and I hate not being able to sleep and not being able to take any meds for it because of my med phobia thing. It sucks! I was freaking out this morning and like worrying if my stomach was going to be really horrible or if I was going to be sick all day. I hate when this happens! Ugh!!


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## Jeni

Now I have gotten my sleeping under control, at least so far. I was staying awake all night and sleeping all day. I just couldn't fall asleep. But now I can sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I just stopped staying in my room all day and stopped watching tv in my room. I started going to bed at around the same time everyday and getting up at around the same time everyday and my sleep has gotten a lot better. Now I am just still dealing with constipation that seems like it will never go away. I saw my GI doc on Monday and he suggested a laxative but with my med phobia, I can't even do that. I am going to see if some dietary changes will help with it because my nutritionist has me on a low fiber/low residue diet and that isn't making it very easy for me to stop this constipation. My anxiety is still pretty bad, but I feel better now that I am sleeping at night. The way I feel drowsy and have times during the day where I can't seem to keep my eyes open, tells me that I am still not getting as much sleep as I need and that I am still sleep deprived, but at least I am sleeping. My family is surprised that I am able to get up in the morning now and that it seems to have happened so quickly. I am too actually, last week I couldn't fall asleep at night and would sleep all day, and now I can sleep at night and get up in the morning this week. School is going well, so that's another good thing going on right now. I just wish I knew how to get past this anxiety and how to stop being constipated. And I really wish I wasn't scared to take medications, even the most benign over the counter medications scare me, it really sucks. It is getting in the way of my getting better and having a more normal life. Oh well, I'll figure it out eventually.


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## BQ

What about the therapy you talked about?? Surely by now you have worked out those "details"?? I'm disappointed to hear you haven't progressed in any positive direction with the med phobia. But I am happy that school is going well.BQ


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## tlyle421

I think everyone that has bowel trouble has some type of anxiety. I have Crohn's Disease and I have chronic diarrhea all the time I go about 30 times a day. Its hard to go anywhere because I am always looking for a bathroom somewhere. I can't go out to eat, after 3 bites I have awful stomach cramps then run to bathroom. Its embarrassing. If i am going somewhere that doesnt have alot of places in between that has bathroom i am scared cause I can't hold it and it will come out. I have anxiety about me and my husband having sex because I am terrified its gonna hit me in the middle of it! He is very understanding and supportive and i have talked to him about it and he tells me not to worry if i gotta go, just run to bathroom. But its so embarrassing to me. Not to romantic to stop in middle of sex because you got diarrhea!!!!!! You are not alone and I think anyone who suffers with any type of bowel trouble has different things that scare them.. When I had to go and get the test done and drink 2 glasses of barium oh my gosh it was awful!!!! it took 4 hours to do the test because I kep throwinIg up i could not even hold down a sip i would try to guzzle it but it would come right back up. Finally i hurried and guzzled and had to try to keep myself from throwing up which was NOT easy!!! they barely had enough to do the test but they did it and as soon as it was over i threw up for about 10 min before I could take gown off and put clothes on. The nurses was so irritated with me but I couldn't help it. and i was also running to bathroom for diarrhea!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Jeni

I see the doc today about that exposure therapy, hopefully we'll get those details worked out today. I know this med phobia is extremely frustrating. At least I hope I will be able to talk to the doc about that exposure therapy, if the psych doc even got a chance to discuss that with my regular doc. But at least I am sleeping and school is going well. I am actually getting a B in algebra, which has never happened in my life with math before, the highest math grade I ever got was a C. So we'll see what happens with the doctor and hopefully I will find a way to get past this medication phobia. tiyle421 I am very sorry to hear about your struggles with Crohn's disease, it sounds awful! That test sounds like it was awful, too! The only test I have had that gave me that much trouble was a CT scan because I am a tiny person (4'11" and 110lbs) and they tried to cram 48oz of contrast dye and lemonade mixture into my stomach. It didn't work out so well, the first 32oz of the mixture came back up on me, I vomited it all up it was awful. They didn't listen when I said that was going to be way too much and made me force it down. Then only 1 glass and 1 injection of contrast die was more than enough for them to get the scan after making me drink 2 16oz glasses and get sick. They could have had me do that much in the first place. I haven't had any of the scopes yet or any tests with barium but they don't sound like very much fun. Well, hope you feel better and hope you find some ways to cope that help you. And BQ thanks for your concern and suggestions.


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## Jeni

We worked it out where I can do my exposure therapy with my meds with the social worker at my regular doctor's clinic. I have my first appointment with her on November 19. I am so scared but at the same time I am glad that we worked something out and can get started because this med phobia thing is getting out of control and I really need to not be afraid of meds anymore, so I can take them and they can help me get better. I am so sick of being scared of practically everything, so I am hoping that this exposure therapy thing works and that getting on meds can help. It's going to be hard and it's scary but I have to try because I can't keep living my life with this fear the way I am now.


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## BQ

> It's going to be hard and it's scary but I have to try because I can't keep living my life with this fear the way I am now.


Yup ... but you CAN do it!All the bestBQ


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## Genie75

Sounds exactly like me... I am scared also... had very bad stomach flu and was very very sick. I'm trying lots of positive selftalk...I am obsessive about what i eat. Before I eat, I actually think very carefully about what I will eat. I will look at what made me sick yesterday and change it. I put a lot of thought into what goes into my mouth. Exasperates everyone around me. I long for the days my digestive system used to work and I could eat normal food like every one else and didn't have to worry about what I put into my mouthI have started keeping lists of safe foods, so when I'm really depressed and won't eat, I can go thru the list and pick something off of the list and try and eat it and see how it goes.


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## BQ

> I will look at what made me sick yesterday and change it.


GenieJust so you are aware... there are many, MANY more triggers for IBS symptoms besides food. It isn't always about the food. Read up about IBS here and learn about some other triggers. Some triggers are within our control.. and some are not. But symptoms _can_ be managed. We all are different so finding what manages our individual symptoms takes lots of trial & error.I think you are dwelling only on food as the source of your symptoms when in fact it may have nothing to do with your symptoms. Best thing to do maybe is educate yourself a bit more about IBS>Best place to start is at the 2nd from the top, white menu bar up above us here. The first tab is "Symptoms". Start there and read all the way across the tabs. This will give you an excellent foundation of knowledge about IBS and then you can begin to start to try things to manage your symptoms. A severly restricted diet isn't healthy and there are way more healthier ways to manage your symptoms. SO get started on finding what works for you!All the best


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