# Feeling like you'll get cheated on...



## 22144

I mean... why not, right? I look like a ghost, I'm skinny as hell, and I'm always sick thus I look like hell.What's to love, really?Why wouldn't she want to upgrade?


----------



## 20270

I feel this too sometimes. I love my BF to bits, and he loves me too. I haven't lost weight with this condition, infact put a wee bit on, and can't find any energy to exercise it off. However its because I love and trust my Bf that I trust that he will support me, and not cheat on me. Maybe you could chat with your other half and let them know your feelings. Depends on what your relationship is like I guess.


----------



## 22144

She's just not very reassuring...


----------



## 21857

I know how you feel!My bf is very supportive and reassuring, but I figure that there is only so much a person can handle. I dont know how much more he can put up with my whingeing and being sick all the time. Not to mention, our sex life has died due to me never feeling up to it..... So I know where your coming from, just feel like im waiting for him to wake up to himself, and find someone better!


----------



## 21857

Hey, I know exactly how you feel, I always wonder how much more of me he can put up with, im always sick, and tired, and I feel like im always holding him back. Like there is only so much a person can stand, no matter how much they love you right? Not to mention our sex life is almost dead, cos I never feel up to it anymore. I feel like im just waiting around for him to wake up to himself and find someone better!


----------



## 22153

Hello, I have had ibs since i was about 17, I have just come out of a relationship that lasted for about a year recently, first time I lived with someone else, slept in the same bed with them etc, which were big fears for me going into it, alot of the reasons we broke up were caused by IBS, went and stayed with her parents and felt awful the whole time, i think the stress etc compounded it, then she wanted me to go to her friends wedding, which would of been like a 2 week holiday, but i came up with every excuse short of the real one to back out of it and it hurt her alot that i didnt go, after that we drifted apart, didnt feel like going out alot and it was very hard on her, it was tough breaking up, you feel alot of conflicting emotions, the worst thing you can do is blame yourself, i think you just have to accept that maybe its just not meant to be and move on, that was the hardest part and it took a while,but on the positive side, im really enjoying the single life again, i think you have to have a really open and honest relationship and be able to explore and discuss every aspect of your life together, dont try and shut them out and dont feel guilty for involving them in your problems, hopefully they'll always be there for you no matter what, and by having really open and honest communication with each other you can face it together, the worst thing you can do is start to get paranoid and close yourself off because you risk driving the other person away, believe me if i could change things i would of been alot more open and honest, a problem shared is a problem halved as they say


----------



## 22153

as far as getting cheated on,the way i deal with it personally if im with someone, is i just think, they are with me, why would they want to be with anyone else, if it happens it happens and deal with it if it does, but if you worry about it, it can impact your relationship, and if the other person knows this and thinks you think they might cheat on you then they begin to think you dont trust them and trust is the cornerstone of any relationship


----------



## 14448

Angst, attraction is not all about looks! My boyfriend is losing his hair and I love him just as much if not more. I love quirky things about him like his big feet and deep voice. If he loses weight or is ill, he looks vulnerable, which brings out my maternal instincts so I feel v.loving and protective towards him. Also, you may be skinny and pale, but you can improve your image. Wear nice clothes and sexy aftershave that she likes. Make an effort for her. Be funny and romantic and a good listener. Get good at oral sex. Do spontaneous stuff like buying her chocolates and flowers. And most importantly, act confident and believe you're worthy of her because people tend to take you at ur own value.I used to worry a lot about my boyfriend cheating on me. When you have IBS it's easy to be moody and withdrawn and disinterested in sex and your appearence. It's this that encourages a partner to cheat, not looking ill!


----------



## 22144

Sukie:Yeah but what if I'm sick all the time? Will she feel maternal all the time? I feel like an invalid at some points.I wear nice clothes, cologne, deoderant, etc. I am funny and romantic and a good listener. However some days (5-6 times a year) I get depressed for a few days so I can't be funny then.Get good at oral sex? LOL? I already am, but would like to know why that's a requirement?


----------



## 14448

A lot of women are very maternal and like to take care of guys, even if they're ill regularly. Just avoid the energetic high-maintenance type of girlfriend! Also, plenty of girls I know would much rather stay in with a guy who is romantic and funny than go out with an arrogant model man.Being depressed for a few days 5-6 times a year shouldn't drive a girlfriend away, even people who don't get depressed go through low/moody phases. Great oral sex? It will always raise you high in a woman's esteem!


----------



## Cherrie

> quote:Originally posted by angst:What's to love, really?Why wouldn't she want to upgrade?


Angst -- like Sukie and others said, there's much more to a person than appearance (looking ill, etc.) -- you said your funny and romantic, which is something really valuable in a woman's eyes! That's a lot for your g/f to love! with an average person, it is NOT being sick regularly that will drive her away; it is some of the following that frustrate her (i'm truly not saying you do those, i'm sure you don't! just saying this so you'll have peace of mind): stuff like, taking her care for granted, forgetting to thank/appreciate her for the small things she does, shutting her out of your problem instead of letting her in, getting moody without letting her know that your feeling sick at the moment, or too involved in one's own problem and forget to care about hers or how she feels, etc.. Like i said, i'm sure you don't do any of the above! so, you know, it's more for peace of mind!if it's only your ibs, there's really no reason for a reasonable g/f to want to "upgrade," if you don't put yourself down in that position, nobody can do that to you -- please believe that you're already the "upgrade!" and there's nobody "up" above you!! and if you believe this, your g/f and other people around you will all believe. confidence will only add to a person's attractiveness. (i'm married so i don't usually post here, but this time, i can't hold my tongue anymore... Just sharing what i know as a woman who's been through the b/f stuff, really not meant to lecture (hope that's not what it feels like...) and hope i'm making sense... and Best Wishes!







)


----------



## 22144

> quote:with an average person, it is NOT being sick regularly that will drive her away; it is some of the following that frustrate her (i'm truly not saying you do those, i'm sure you don't! just saying this so you'll have peace of mind): stuff like, taking her care for granted, forgetting to thank/appreciate her for the small things she does, shutting her out of your problem instead of letting her in, getting moody without letting her know that your feeling sick at the moment, or too involved in one's own problem and forget to care about hers or how she feels, etc.. Like i said, i'm sure you don't do any of the above! so, you know, it's more for peace of mind!


Yeah, I don't do any of that.


> quote:Great oral sex? It will always raise you high in a woman's esteem!


Yes, but she doesn't want me to do that lately... she feels self-conscious by putting on weight (we had a talk). I tell her that she's hot and sexy all the time, though.


----------



## 22144

Well, it's over. She dumped me this morning. We were having a reoccuring argument (she was starting fights) and get she was getting mad at me for how I reacted (I just called her on them).


----------



## overitnow

Angst, I am sorry to read this final posting. It is just another aspect of this miserable condition. It is also another reason to keep up the search.Good luck to you.Mark


----------



## 22144

Thanks. I'm feeling pretty low right now.


----------



## Screamer

((hugs)) I'm sorry you are hurting right now







Perhaps part of the break up is her own insecurities about her weight, unfortunately when us girls put on some weight it doesn't matter how great our other half says we look, we still feel c#%p about it







Hang in there, I understand how you were feeling. I think it crosses all of us who have a "normal" other half brains sometimes that they'd be better off without us, etc etc. But you know what. We have good qualities too! We aren't our IBS, it's just a part of us and anyone who loves you will accept you IBS and all.


----------



## overitnow

> quote:Originally posted by Screamer:We aren't our IBS, it's just a part of us and anyone who loves you will accept you IBS and all.


This, of course, is absolutely true, Amy; and a good thing to keep in mind. Unfortunately, even normals who love each other have relationship problems. It is just when you add in "I never feel good," "I'm always tired," "I can't go out (to eat/drink/dance/see your favourite band/go to the show/go to the museum/go on a holiday)," "I feel too yucky," etc etc it just wears things down and eventually guilt takes over.Don't give up. Try not to medicate yourself so much that you lose touch with why you want to live. Don't just buy cases of diapers or Immodium. Get as many tests for as many possibile causes as you can talk your doctor out of. Fight to win.Mark


----------



## Cherrie

Hi, Angst -- i don't know what to say... i'm so, so sorry to hear this...







...i think Amy is definitely right about the girl's insecurity about her own weight problem. and it is for sure that normals have all sorts of relationship problems and sometimes they break up for the most ridiculous reason -- it's never easy especially when there's this added layer of ibs... But, you know, if she chose to do so, it is her own loss!! don't give up! although it may not be today, but i'm sure one day soon, you'll find someone who truly loves you and sees how wonderful you are (someone who truly loves you won't let ibs stop her from being with you!). hang in there...


----------



## 22144

I don't think it's her own insecurities per se, I think she has ISSUES she needs to work out. I think she prefers to start fights so people treat her like #### (she has a lot of friends that do really really mean things to her and she keeps taking them back as friends). She started lots of fights with me and always tried to flip the blame. Oddly, non-IBS related fights.


----------



## Cherrie

... she sounds like a tough person to be with... i'm real sorry about this -- but in this case i personally feel that it may be a better idea not to be with her...


----------



## 22144

Saw the shrink today... she feels that I was with a narcissist.


----------



## 17105

Hi AngstI am sorry to hear about your girlfriend, however I believe that if you love someone you'll be with them no matter what.I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and he is so supportive of my and my IBS, he really loves looking after me when I am ill and I know if it was him that had IBS it wouldn't bother me one bit.Your someone special is out there just keep the faith x


----------



## 22144

I hope so.


----------



## 19899

well, i don't really agree with the whole 'if they love you it won't matter if you have IBS or not' thing cause i don't think it's that simple, but that's not really what i wanna mention.it can be really hard to feel desireable with IBS. i'm in the same boat, losing weight, pale from not going out and about a lot etc. some girls will let this get in the way, some won't, and some will even use your ibs against you as guilt at times (reason i broke up with my last gf). but it's complicated if you have ibs or not, it's just a really tricky thing getting relationships to work in general. it sounds like you're putting in the effort and that's really all you can do. if you're doing your best and putting in the work (i don't mean oral sex 'work' but hey, whatever works







) then don't let the ibs or ibs related things trick you into thinking you're not worth someone else's time or things are your fault cause that's ####. it's easy to fall into that trap.plenty of fish in the sea, ibs or not.


----------



## 22144

I was reading about narcissists, and their victims. IBS has set me up to be a perfect target for a narcissists' supply:


> quote:Narcissists can be happily married to submissive, subservient, self-deprecating, echoing, mirroring and indiscriminately supportive spouses. They also do well with masochists. But it is difficult to imagine that a healthy, normal person would be happy in such a folie a deux ("madness in twosome" or shared psychosis).


http://www.geocities.com/vaksam/faq80.htmlI am: submissive, subservient, self-deprecating, and indiscriminately supportive. The IBS brought all those qualities of me out 10-fold.


----------



## Cherrie

> quote:Originally posted by angst:I am: submissive, subservient, self-deprecating, and indiscriminately supportive. The IBS brought all those qualities of me out 10-fold.


awww... angst -- please don't put yourself down like that... forgive me for saying this, but it's like a self-diagnosis and please don't do this "diagnosis" to yourself based on a geocities page about a book!







Any relationship is based on interactional dynamics -- with a different partner/friend, a shy and timid person could be outgoing, assertive, and having good judgments on when to be supportive and when not to. Building each other's self image is an interactive process in any relationship, be it between b/f and g/f or between friends. You happened to be with her and unfortunately her narcissistic problem really negatively affected the interactional dynamics of the relationship, and therefore your current perception of yourself. -- IBS sure is a contributing factor for the feeling of "letting someone down or not being good enough for someone" when one is not feeling well -- But PLEASE don't label yourself as "submissive..." etc. ! 'Cause that's NOT you! Those are NOT qualities of you! With a different, caring, normal person, the way you interact will change and so will the way you treat each other. And so will the way you feel about yourself. i know all this may sound absurd to you for now, but believe me, things will change! like Frog said, there are plenty of loving, caring (and emotionally normal) young women out there! don't let this let you down and label yourself for life! you WILL find your true love, ibs or not.


----------



## 22144

I am those things though. I've had other girls tell me I'm too submissive.


----------



## 19899

if you are those things and you don't like it, change it, but personally i think there's nothing wrong with the character traits you say you have. just because you're submissive doesn't mean there aren't women out there for you who are good compliments to your personality who WON'T screw you over. sure, it makes you an easy target, but it also can make you very attractive to honest women who like that side of you and won't take advantage of it. as long as you can look at yourself objectively and you're willing to accept the consequences of your choices (granted IBS tends to reduce your choices at times, but still) you're in a great position to find someone who fits you and imo that's what it's all about.


----------



## Cherrie

Ditto Frog -- some people are naturally amicable and less assertive -- if you are these, please DO think of these traits in positive ways, not in those negative terms. There sure are women who would appreciate a good-natured guy like you! And you WILL find a good one!


----------



## 22144

Thanks, everyone.I'm working with a therapist on some of these. She thinks I should work on my self esteem and looking for warning signs.


----------



## drothreign

not bad


----------



## 22144

I'm in the same boat, basically. I'm a nerd programmer. Hopefully I'll have my CS degree done in May, then I can move out to Cali, finally.


----------



## 16963

I don't think you two have to worry much. IBS wouldn't ever stop me from dating someone, even before my IBS started up. Plus, lots of girls prefer snuggling on the couch at home to going out every night. I used to go out a lot, but I find that whenever I'm in a relationship I start wanting to just bum around at home more, because the guy I'm crazy about is there, and that's enough. So I don't think IBS/anxiety/panic attacks are going to keep someone from dating you if they like the rest of you - even if the rest of you involves programming and star trek


----------



## 22144

Right now I'm looking ahead, seeing the future... probably causing the future. I don't see why a girl would CHOOSE to have a sick guy as a boyfriend. The choice isn't logical.


----------



## Cherrie

Angst -- it's good to hear that you're looking ahead, seeing and even causing the future!!







That is GREAT!just remember that one thing about "love" is that it's NEVER logical with or without IBS!







-- someone may be a star football player and the picture of physical and mental health, he may be "the" greatest guy in the world, BUT he may NOT be _a particular girl's_ greatest choice! When someone really falls in love, s/he falls in love with the other person's heart most of all... and a lot of girls see a lot of logic in falling in love with a man's heart







-- so, please do remember this "logic of the heart", too -- I'm sure you'll find the right girl who loves you for who you are, even if/when you're sick


----------



## 16963

angst, you always seem like you're so down on yourself in the relationship department! Don't be so hard on yourself. Plenty of IBSers are in great relationships. I have PCOS and IBS - neither are glamorous problems. I'll spare you the details of PCOS, but I basically said to my boyfriend in the beginning, "hey, I have these two problems and they're just part of me and I have to poop a lot so you have to take it or leave it" and he chose to deal with it.The number of times per day that a guy uses the bathroom isn't my main concern in a relationship, you know? I don't think you have to worry about that. When my friends and I talk about our dream guys, we never say, "I hope I find someone who uses the bathroom only as much as I do."I'm not trying to poke fun at your concern, I'm just hoping to put it into perspective.


----------



## 22144

I'm getting advice from a lot of women, here. I need more guys in the same boat. I swear, the tables are turned. I think guys are easier at dealing with this than women are.I can't prove that, it's just a semi-educated guess. I've also read papers about chronic pain illnesses and relationships. After reading that, I gathered that it's going to be a stressful thing as long as I have IBS.


----------

