# A Humiliating Experience: Did it damage me?



## Chains (Oct 18, 2014)

This is a very difficult story for me to share. I think I'd have a panic attack if anybody I know found out who I was and read this. But it's been haunting me for ages and I feel like I need to get it out somewhere. I suspect it contributed to some of my anxiety issues today. This post may get a bit long, but it was really hard for me to share this, and I'll probably start to worry that I just made a fool of myself and I'll have to fight the urge to delete it.

When I was a middle school student, I had a study hall "teacher" who was, to put it plainly, a bad person. For some reason the other kids seemed to like him but he required all the kids in his study hall to sit in the same direction, no talking allowed, and he didn't let anybody out of the room to get things they needed to work on. You were expected to be prepared before class, so if you didn't have your work on-hand, tough luck. This is a study hall we're talking about. One day during his study hall, I needed to use the bathroom. I asked him and he told me I should've gone before class. I don't remember if he let me go, but the important part is that I took what he said to heart: "You should've gone before class."

One day the bell had just rang, and my next class that day was Language Arts, and I suddenly needed to "make". Thing is, you only get like, 3 minutes between classes, and assuming I'm not the only person on earth who wipes, I think we can all agree "making" takes a lot longer than 3 minutes. Now, I remembered what my study hall teacher told me, and I was afraid that if I waited and asked my LA teacher to let me go, she'd tell me the same thing and deny me. And it couldn't wait. I assumed therefore, that in my case, the correct answer was to use the bathroom right then, be late for class, and inform the teacher of why and it would be fine. And I assumed this was the correct answer because it's the most rational answer, and being a foolish kid and all, I was still under the impression that the adults in charge built their rules on rational thought.

So I went, and I was late for class. When I got in, I informed the teacher that I was in the bathroom, and she proceeded to scold me for being late. "I was taking a dump." I said, trying to sound tough because I was very vulnerable at that point. She then proceeded to scold me for using the word "dump." And then asked me, "What did we learn?" Now I morally disagreed with her, because people can't help when they need to use the bathroom, but I wanted to embrace the humor of the situation and I wanted to avoid trouble, so I said, "When you gotta go, you gotta go." and shrugged. She then proceeded to imitate a potty dance and sing the jingle from that "gotta go" commercial. You know the one. The whole class burst out in laughter, I started blushing beet red, and then the teacher pointed out that I was blushing and said "look he's getting embarrassed!" or something along those lines. Now within the context, it felt as if her intentions were good. But tell me, does any of that sound even remotely appropriate to you? To me, it was humiliating.

Fast forward to present day, I'm physically unable to "make" unless numerous rules are upheld. Among them, I have to be in my own home, I can't have people requiring my attention in any capacity, and I can't be under time constraints. I can also say pretty much all the same things about urinating, although that one I'm able to do outside the home at least. And I don't react very well to embarrassment now, I tend to be extremely sensitive even when I don't want to be. Quite coincidentally just the other day, I heard my best friend mutter the lyrics to that "gotta go" jingle. In that moment I got chills, I tried to block it out by imagining something louder in my head, I just wanted him to finish so it would be over. It almost feels like it "triggered" me, but I'm afraid to ascribe that word to it because I don't want to offend people who've had it worse.

Does this sound like the kind of story that might be related to why I'm like this? I don't want to put the blame squarely on her. Truth be told my whole childhood is one long tale of well-intentioned but oblivious adults accidentally screwing me up, but this event really sticks out in my mind and it's vivid and painful to recall.


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## marleyma (Aug 13, 2014)

Ugh. It sounds like your teacher was trying to have the upper hand by making that remark and singing that jingle. I definitely understand why this could have impacted you the present day. I think it's important to remember that YOU are the adult and YOU can quite frankly do whatever the f you want. As a teacher she was being very immature and should have just let it go. I'm glad you shared this with us. I think putting our past scary experiences out there help us to decrease the shock value. You are not alone.


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## acureisoutthere (Jun 28, 2014)

I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. Thanks for sharing, unloading this frustration.

I guess one thing that comes to mine is a book called, "The Power of Positive Thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. Great book.

Perhaps the exercises in the book will help you overcome this, and put it in the past.

Don't let the rudeness of someone in your past, ruin your today, and your tomorrows. Label him the jerk He really was, and move on, you are better than him.


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## justaperson (Jul 30, 2015)

First off, kudos for sharing your story - this is the most challenging thing ever sometimes, and I really respect people who do it.

Your teacher was a prick, a stupid idiot, and she honestly doesn't deserve to be in your head anymore and control your life. I think you were brave to answer like you did, the only thing you lacked was enough confidence to counter her stupid song and insult her badly (I honestly think it would've been worth the trip to the principal's office, lol). Do you know why she did that? Because she knew nothing about life's hardnesses (like IBS or other stuff that hurt you really, really badly), and because she wanted to maintain respect she didn't deserve.

Don't think that it's a small thing, because it's not. It doesn't matter what happened, and it doesn't matter how bad others would think it is. It only matters how you respond, how you feel. Do not compare your miseries with others and tell yourself that you shouldn't be so upset because others have had/are having it worse. You can only judge how bad it was by how you experienced that moment in your life and how it affects you today.

You have to work on letting go and getting better control of your life again, and I really can't give you an easy way to do this, because every person is unique and different things will work/won't work. For some, self help books work (if you find the right ones for you), for some it helps to talk to a therapist, work out or meditate. For others it works to game or just do stuff they enjoy doing and work on their skills instead of spending time in their heads, going over their hurtful memories or thoughts. You have to find out for yourself what will help you henceforward, and it's gonna take time, but it's not impossible if you keep working on it.


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