# Disappointed



## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

I had a very interesting conversation with my best friend the other day and need to share it with fellow fm'ers. As some of you may already know, she also has fm, much longer than I have. She is able to work part-time, leads a very active lifestyle. She is a social butterfly and cannot stand being at home. Although she is much better at it now. I admire her and wish I had the energy that she has.She started on a regime of MSM, calcium/zinc, multivitamins a couple of years ago and has done very well on them. She convinced me to try it and I didn't do as well, so I stopped taking them.We started our conversation the other day by asking how each of us was feeling. Knowing that she understands our fm days, I said that I haven't been feeling well for over a month and half and I wasn't sure what was going on. She then told me that she wasn't feeling well either and that she has had such a busy summer. Anyways, the conversation all of a sudden changed and she started saying that my fm will never get better because I'm a negative person. I in turn said that no I'm not negative, but I do have days when I don't feel well and I always felt that I could ###### and complain when I talk to her. She does the same in return, but I never say that she is negative. She says that until I seek counselling to deal with handling stresses of life that I will never get better. I know that stress does not help with the fm, and I would like to learn coping skills. Then she compared myself to her. She said look how well I cope with fm and how you don't. I know that I get anxiety sometimes when I don't feel well, especially if I have to go somewhere and am not sure how I'll feel. Whereas, she won't think about it and just goes to the function whether she's feeling well or not. I'm disappointed in what she said to me and this is the second time that she has ragged at me about something. I won't go into detail about the other issues. Sometimes I feel that she is mad at me about something, but doesn't say what it is. I confronted her on the phone a couple of months ago about being angry at me and she caught herself and said no and was much nicer to me after that. I don't consider myself a negative person, but I do like to get things off my chest and she was always there to listen. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe she only wants to hear the good news. I just needed to rant a bit. Thanks.


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

Hi weener, I feel your frustration. I have a son who does the same thing to me whenever I mention that I am not doing well with my IBS on a particular day. He says how he has it too, and that it does not stop him, like he is better than I am because he doesn't let it get him down. This only makes me more frustrated!The fact is, in any disease or condition, there are many variables. If there is anything that I have learned from going to fibro support groups, it is that there are no two alike. Not only do people have different pain tolerences do to their different nervous systems, but there also seems to be different parts of the body that fibro can affect. Some have more than others, and some that have problems in the same spots, either have them more or less than we do. Could it be that your friend is upset with you because you couldn't keep an important engagement she had with you that she was looking forward to? Does she feel you let her down? We cannot always synchronize our good and bad times together. Certainly positive attitudes can be helpful in coping with an illness, and negative ones can bring you down. However, positive attitudes won't necessarily cure you, and negative attitudes won't kill you, but they can make you miserable. Chronic pain can wear on a person and can contribute to depression. There is also some people who may actually have brain changes that are visable on CAT scans or on an EEG that would indicate depression is an biological/chemical imbalance and may need to be treated. Again, no two people's examinations are exactly alike, and different people need different types of treatment to be effective. In other words, it may not be as simple as your friend thinks. Perhaps she is frustrated because she can't understand this. Some people feel anger because they are afraid their condition could become as bad as anothers is. This scares them. It could be also, that she believes if she dwells on it too much, it will begin to take over her life, and she doesn't want that. Hopefully you and your friend will be able to communicate your frustrations and work them out. Perhaps you can ask her how she is doing first without mentioning fibro in the first meeting exchange, and always let her bring up the fibro thing. If she asks you how you are doing, just say "I'm doing okay, how are you?" Let her answer, and then just go on to another subject after that. Some people are just good at being sensitive listeners, and some are not.I don't have any close friends who have fibro. If I did, I would hope that they would be more understanding. Sometimes I think that it might be a good thing in a way. Oddly enough, I think some friendships can be more like a competition. Sometimes we compare how we are doing with others that are like us. This is not always healthy. Most healthy friendships are based on acceptance for who we are and where we are at in life. Still, there will always be times when friendships can be trying, much like any relationship.Perhaps you can take the approach of having the fibro support group, like on this board, the place you will whine, and save the friendships for having fun. Hang in there weener, my cyber friend, and never fear - you can whine all you want here!Alice


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Thank You M for your eloquent words. Well said, well put. I agree that in our next conversation I won't mention anything about how I'm feeling. She is usually the one who will bring it up. Normally we joke about it and laugh about the symptoms of fm, but I'm going to give it a break. Even if she goes in that direction I'll leave my part out of it. We use to live a couple of minutes away from each other. Spoke on the phone almost every day and had our outings together. Since moving almost 2 hours away I don't see her as often, but we do talk on the phone. I saw her a month ago, she invited us up for a visit. I think because she is doing well and has been for awhile that she forgets how bad it can get or maybe she doesn't want it to get her down as you said. I feel so better already knowing that you understand. I'm so glad that you've returned to the BB.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Hi Weener







Hi Unmoulded







Weener,I know exactly what you are going through. I've heard that from several of my "friends" who later turned out to be not very good friends. They never really wanted to know how I was, but they wanted me to listen to their every gripe! So, I started doing what Unmoulded suggested. I would tell them I was just fine and change the subject. Aftr several times, I had one friend actually call me and tell me that she was sure I wasn't feeling very well, even though I said I was fine, and that she could tell by my white face that I was in pain. She asked me why I didn't say anything and I told her, honestly, that it was because she had told me I focused on my pain and discomfort too much and if I took my mind off of it, I wouldn't feel so bad. (Hubbie says the same thing, but he doesn't know what it's like to force yourself to do certain things when you are hurting beyond hurt). My friend was a little more perceptive after that, but I still "down-play" it. I don't think she really wants to know---or more like she can't cope very well, knowing that I hurt so.Your friend needs to "come down to earth" and realize that just because she does all these things, doesn't mean the next person can or should. Weener, you know your body's limitations. Keep doing what you are doing---take care of yourself. Your friend is actually putting more stress on you by saying what she did. How dare she!!Take care.  Karen


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

Hi weener,I agree with Karen. In fact, it isn't much of a friendship if your friend is the only one who gets to talk about how she feels. If you have to hold your tongue,watch what you say, and have to behave differently to maintain your "friendship" with her, you will be having coffee with a stranger........yourself. I've been reading your posts for a long time, I have never considered you a negative person, that better describes me, not you.Lori


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Thank you Karen & Lori Ann for all your support. I appreciate and need friends like you right now. It's the first time she has said something like that to me and I'm hurt by it. Once again, thanks for listening.


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## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

Hi weener,she doesenï¿½t sound like a true friend to me...I I have also talked with a few people with FMS who have said things like your friend. I donï¿½t understand why they do it! They would, if anyone, understand what a horrible disease this is...I think they have a "lighter" version of FMS and they donï¿½t understand how tough it really can be. I was discussing this with my cousin (who also has FMS) . We both agreed that people who babble about how they only need to see life positive and the symptoms go away, isnï¿½t really sick at all. You can be extremly postive but you still will be sick...My cousin told me she had read an article about a woman who had FMS. She told the reporter that she felt so much better since she began see FMS as her friend!







Yeah, right!







Stuff like that makes me puke! Sorry, but Iï¿½m in a really bad mood today!







AND I agree with Lori, I have never felt that you are a negative person at all! Take care,  Mio


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Hang in there, Weener. You are not a negative person. I think your friend is, and she is "masking" it by putting you down and making herself look like she is handling it so much better. SHE is the one who cannot cope with it!! And SHE is the one who hasn't come to terms with it, not you. Mio said it right. "Stuff like that makes me want to puke"---big time!!!


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

(((Weener))) I also understand what you're saying. I know several people with Fibromyalgia. One is much much sicker than me and one is not very sick at all. The one that is not very sick sounds very much like your friend. She leads a very full life, working and is always going somewhere. She has some sort of resentful feelings toward me, and told my mom once that "Mind over matter" would help me more than anything else. We all know that you are not a negative person, and we also know that "Mind over matter" is a crock. So, from one sickie to another (((hugs))). I agree, find someone else to ###### to. We need that outlet, but obviously this friend is only using it against you.


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

Thanks weener. I agree with the others in that I don't see you as a whiner, by the way, and that your friend might be having trouble dealing with it herself. Perhaps the distance thing has also made her feel a little more distant from you in more than just miles. I have a feeling there will come a day when she is not feeling well and she will say something to you and you will be sweet and understanding like you would have liked her to be when you were feeling down - because that's just who you are!Take care, and here's a cyber hug for you







((((weener))))







Alice


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Mio, Karen, Mrs. M & Un-M, thanks again for your support. After I read your posts I started crying because deep down I know I'm not a negative person. I also know that I do have bad days and after all we are all human. I guess I never expected to hear this from her mouth. I felt that she would be the one who would understand since she has gone through it. I feel like I have to watch my p's & q's around her now. I'll be talking to her next week, so I'll see how that conversation goes. If it continues I'll start to distance myself from her until things cool down a bit. For my own sanity. Thank you my wonderful buddies, a big hug for all of you {{{














}}


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

How are you doing today Weener? And how are the kitties?


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Was wondering how those kitties were doing, too.


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Mrs. M & Karen thank you for asking about my kitties. I didn't want to talk about it yesterday, but I'm ready today. I had to put Sushi down yesterday because she wasn't getting any better. She's my kitty that was diagnosed with kidney failure. She seemed to be okay when I brought her home last week (she even ate the k/d food) for a couple of days then she stopped eating. So I started feeding her through a squeezable mustard container. I would mash the food up and mix it with water and squrt it into her mouth. Then on Thursday, I decided that it was time to say goodbye and to not prolong her suffering any longer. She lived a good life and gave me wonderful memories during her 15-l/2 years with me. I can picture it already gals, Wheezy bugging the living daylights out of Sushi up in kitty heaven.


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## geomv (Aug 9, 1999)

Hi, Weener, Karen, and eveyone else, I think your friend, Weener, needs an atitude adjustment. Since she has Fibro, she, of all people should be a support for you, and really understand. We all need support for this, sure, sometimes we feel good, other times we feel really bad, and when we do we need someone to understand us. My family is pretty good about this, my husband is getting better at it, I think we're finally past the "it's all in your head" part. I have good friends at work, who know when I walk in how I feel. They are very good with this; there is a teacher there who suffers with this, too. I am very fortunate with the support I have, although we don't even have a support group here in this town. I hope your friend gets over whatever is bothering her, and I hope you do better. we're all in this together. Geo


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## geomv (Aug 9, 1999)

Hi, again, Weener, Just wanted to say I'm sorry about your kitty. It's always hard to put your pets down, even when we know that's best for them. My kitty is 8 years old now and I'm not looking forward to the day when I have to do that for her. Our last kitty was 17 when we lost her. My sympathies, again. Geo


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Please accept my most sincere condolences Weener. I understand what it's like to lose a beloved pet. My thoughts are with you


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## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

Weener







Iï¿½m so sorry to hear about your kitties, I know how difficult it is to put a beloved pet down. You will be in my thoughts.  Take care,Mio


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Well, what can I say, you gals are the best. You know how to pick a gal up. I'm feeling better today, tummy feeling better and fm pain isn't so bad. Thank goodness for that. It's a bright sunny day in Ontario. Just right, not too hot and not too cool. I love fall days like today. The leaves on the trees are just starting to change colors. I hope everyone on the board is having a good day and feeling better.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Weener,(((((((((















)))))))))So sorry to hear you had to put Sushi to sleep.







I know how hard that is.Take care.Karen


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## Susan Purry (Nov 6, 2001)

Weener, I'm sorry about your cat  You took care of her well and I'm sure she was well-loved and felt it too!


> quote:Sometimes I feel that she is mad at me about something, but doesn't say what it is


Weener, do you think she may be projecting her own feelings onto you? Perhaps she is so frustrated and disappointed that the things that have helped her, are not helping you (the supplements she took that you tried to, to no avail). It can be hard to deal with those feelings, of not knowing what to suggest to help a friend, and then realising that there is nothing one can do to help that friend feel better. Maybe instead of dealing with her feelings on this, she's projecting them onto you and is trying to find a reason why the supplements didn't help you (what she said about she believed you were a negative person). Just a thought. Go with your gut instincts and the truth that you know about yourself, which is that you are NOT a negative person.


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

((((Weener))))


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