# Really, Really need some marriage advice



## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

As I have posted on here before, my husband has been diagnosed with IBS. We have been married 8 months. Before we married we agreed that he would go to college and I would work since I had my degree. I was fine with this arrangement since it was what he really wanted and I have a pretty good job. So, a few months after we married he started college full time and dropped his work hours down to about 10-15. But, his IBS was severely aggravated by the anxiety of school (he gets really anxious in crowds), so he had to withdraw from his classes. He had an online class, but the sadness from having to drop the other classes depressed him and he wouldn't even do the online class.So, for a few weeks after he dropped classes, he was doing really good as far as the IBS. He got on a new medicine, started calcium, started eating better. He started to work more. His boss was really understanding and is getting his hours increased. Here's the problem: H won't work if he gets cramps or if he has a sniffle or anything like that. He won't even try to work. And I am so furious. He doesn't look at our finances, so he doesn't realize how much we are spending over our income. Luckily, we have some savings (from an inheritance I received) so we are fine financially. But he is spending like he is making all the money...constantly ordering pizzas, renting movies, buying junk at the grocery store. I know my money is his money and vice versa. And I know he is suffering with IBS. But he is totally unmotivated. Most days he sits on the couch. He works at a grocery store, so it's not a big deal if he's not there. So basically he thinks well they can find someone to work for me so if I feel the least bit bad I'm not going to work. And he's living off my career. I don't think it's fair! But I won't dare say anything about how much student loan money that has went down the drain because of him dropping classes. I won't tell him that it's not fair he's living on my savings (excuse me, our savings). I don't tell him these things because I'm afraid I'll set off another IBS episode. We got in a huge fight Sunday and he's been "sick" ever since. Please help me! I need some of your perspectives. I can't change him...I know that. I need to know how to deal with him without getting so upset and lashing out at him. We are Christians so I want what I say to him to honor God. Those of you who deal with depression and lack of motivation because of the IBS, what feelings do you have? I need to get in his brain. Thank you so much for listening! I just want to make our marriage better...but my temper is getting the best of me because I can't tell him exactly how I feel. How do I tell him I am feeling taken advantage of and the pressure I feel from having to be the sole breadwinner?


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

I also need to mention something on his behalf. He helps a lot around the house. He does all the laundry, walks and feeds our puppy, and straightens up after my sloppy self. I just thought I needed to add that. I also need to say that I also spend money on things without any regard to him. I have the attitude that I am making the money so I decide how it is spent. That is not a good way to look at it! We don't buy big things, just a lot of little things. We bought a house a few months ago, so I am constantly buying things for the house...not necessities. I just need to know how to make myself handle this better. H totally shuts down when I am negative. I am motivated by proving I can do something someone says I can't...he's the opposite...he won't do something if someone doubts him. He told me I am not behind him and I have no faith in him. This broke my heart, but I know he is partly telling the truth. I don't expect much out of him because he hasn't given me a track record. He says he's going to work, doesn't. Says he's going to church, doesn't. He usually blames things on IBS. I want to be a better wife and I am failing miserably right now.


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

Hi, I couldn't help but reply to your message or shall I say... cry for help. It seems as if though your husband does let ibs get in the way of things (school, church, work) which is NORMAL. It's not like we CHOOSE not to participate in any of it... it's just sometimes we have no choice. He's lucky to have a job where he can miss days without worrying if anyone is able to fill in for him. We all have our good and bad days and I'm sure you've seen his good but it's his bad days that are getting to you. So when it comes to him not being able to work due to his cramps or whatnot don't give him a hard time about it b/c I'm almost positive he'd give up those cramps in a flash to work.As far as spending money excessively on movies, pizzas, and other junk from the grocery store now THAT is an issue -- especially if you're the real money-maker in the house. But that's a whole different situation you can talk to him about. Maybe tell him that instead of buying junk and pizzas he can buy something healthier (veggies, crackers, fruit) to improve his diet so he'd be able to attend church with you.Anyways, that's my 2 cents! All in all, he seems like a pretty good guy! I mean, how easy is it to find a guy who actually does laundry?? HAH! Hope I've been SOME help.







~*LoRie*~


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Thanks Lorie! He is a good guy. He's had a hard life so it's easy for him to get down. The diet thing is a tough one. He is an extremely picky eater. The "junk" I talk about him buying at the store is diet cokes (which I have told him the artificial sugar can aggravate his stomach)and wheat crackers. The problem with those two is that he eats and drinks them excessively! And I have read so many times how the wheat can aggravate. He does order pizza too much in my opinion. I wish he would get on here and listen to you guys. You are pros and I think he could use the support and encouragement from you.


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## Lagomorph (Mar 4, 2005)

My answer may be kind of off topic. I felt just like him. I am a student and I work. I missed classes and work because of D and D related anxiety. I eliminated all gluten from my diet in June and I have not missed a single class or work day since then. I have no anxiety anymore and no IBS symptoms. It may sound extreme but for me it was worth a try at the gluten-free diet. The results have been unexpectedly positive for me.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Finally, a woman posting about her lack of understanding about her husband with IBS... It's these same woes I have to deal with in relationships. I'm beginning to think men can be the more understanding ones in a relationship where the woman has IBS.The more you get on his case for being sick, the more he'll resent you. There's no "maybe" about it, he WILL resent you. The more you lecture him about being sick, the more psychological damage it'll do. It may destroy your sex life. It did destroy mine. I don't even want to have sex anymore, with anyone thanks to all the bitching women have done to me for being sick.My mom said to tell you that having bad IBS (she has IBS) is like having childbirth daily. Coming from a guy that _suffers_ from IBS, I'd say your level of understanding is next to nil. You lack empathy all over the place. People that are sick have to modify how they do things. I, myself, live like your husband. I have an agreement w/ my boss (but I can work from home if I need to) and he's kind to me. I take extremely good care of the house (cleaning, etc), but I find "going" places to be very difficult. I'm often depressed because I get into relationships w/ women like you, and you make us feel bad for being sick. Something that we can't control and didn't want, you get mad about. Have you ever REALLY thought about it the other way around? What if you had a disease and you weren't LUCKY enough to have it take your life... all you had to look forward to each day was constant pain, diarrhea, nausea... with no forseeable end in sight... how would you feel if he was nagging you for things while you are depressed? Women are always trying to tell men that we have no right to tell them what to do with their bodies... how about the other way around? If he really is your equal, you wouldn't tell him what to do with his body.I'm glad you're a "good christian", so I won't judge you... but what do you think God would think about how you are treating your husband? Do you think he'd approve that you aren't being kind to the sick? For better or for worse... in sickness and in health, till death do us part. It seems you are neglecting part of your vow.By the way, foods that he eats may become irrelevant. I remember eating plain rice for a while, and drinking just water, and still having problems. Diet may or may not play a role in it. Sometimes the fatty foods make us feel less bad than a ton of veggies. It's probably good that he's eating at all. Sometimes I go all day feeling like ####, only to crave pizza later that night. Sometimes I can fast all day, and still get diarrhea in the morning.I'm sorry if this sounds bitchy, but this really struck a nerve with me. Either you take in everything (including the bad), or you take in nothing at all. Cokes can cause him to have more gas, he should probably cut those out. It's rough. I suggest "weening" him to gatorade/powerade. It's better for the diarrhea anyway.(this is the first message I've posted that I've let my emotions completely over power me)


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

frustratedwife,Does your husband know you're in an ibs support group?Angst,As you said earlier:


> quote:I'm beginning to think men can be the more understanding ones in a relationship where the woman has IBS.


 uhh... NO WAY!!~*LoRie*~


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Lorie: I haven't found one yet. It's been 3 years. A lot of ladies in here with IBS say how great their husbands are.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

angst, you are sounding like studpile on the other board. I am NOT neglecting my vows. Did you even read what I wrote? I am admitting fault in this situation! I got on here to learn from the perspective of IBS sufferers. I want to know what you're going through. I appreciate your reply because you did have some good points. But please don't be down on me. I am trying here. And I didn't call myself a good Christian. I struggle everyday to obey God and please him with my marriage. But I think my husband isn't perfect either. The day I wrote this post I was extremely upset. I am under a lot of pressure...it's not a physical pain like my husband, but it's still pressure. I am having to make sure I keep my job. I am having to bear the emotional load because of him being sick so much. I am having to be the strong one and it's very hard for me. I know he can't help it. No, I don't understand whatsoever what he's going through. But I would like to a little. And I hate that he is giving up because of the IBS and the mental anguish that goes with it. I love him so much. Angst, have you ever made a mistake in a relationship. I am sure you have. My way of thinking with my husband is wrong at times. And to answer your question, God is probably not happy with me a lot of times. But I needed to vent on here and you did judge me, even though you said you weren't. But, it sounds like you've been hurt by a woman before and I am sorry about that. I appreciate your time but please don't jump to conclusions about me when you don't know me. I am with my husband for better or for worse, through sickness and health. But I make mistakes. westside, my husband does know I am a part of this group. I talk to him about what is posted. He isn't really into message boards so I do a lot of research for him.


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## 22443 (Apr 12, 2005)

I'd say you're doing a pretty good job of being an understanding wife. It sounds like you really want to help him and regret that you can't. Your money might be his money, but you should still have a say in how he spends it. And as someone who suffers from IBS, I do realize that it is hard sometimes to have the motivation to go to class and work....but I still do it because I know I have to. Have you tried marriage counseling? Or maybe your husband should meet with a dietician or nutritionist. Kudos to you for researching IBS...does your hubby do any research? Because if he doesn't, he should start. Maybe if he reads the information himself, he'll start noticing some steps he needs to take to make it better.And Angst....







I hope you have better luck in the future when it comes to women


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

After reading this post i don't even want to get married. Just imagening how my wife would critisize me...i don't know.. hope they will find a cure in near futute.


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

I know Mika... it should be called "Dont read this post if you Really, Really wanna get married!!!!"


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Oh mika & westside, I hope you don't think marriage is horrible when a spouse has IBS. Marriage is a great thing. I am sorry that my situation discourages you. My husband and I aren't fighting all the time and unhappy. This is just one of the many challenges we'll have to face as a couple. There are so many things out there trying to destroy marriages. This is just a hard time we're going through. I don't sit there and criticize my husband over his IBS. He can't help he has it. The thing I get upset over is him not trying. I don't want him to give his life up over this. So many of you on here live great lives despite having IBS. I just want him to fight this. But I realize there are emotional issues that go along with this disease. That's what I am learning to deal with. Marriage is not perfect because the people in it aren't perfect. But you work together and try to improve on your weaknesses. I felt like I had to put in a good word for marriage after reading your posts.


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

I was just kidding around hence the little







but I will admit, your situation with your husband is one of my greatest fears of marriage. I know you're trying to be understanding of it and everything but it just makes me give marriage a second thought. Then again, I'm only 21, no boyfriend, and not even CLOSE to being engaged so I have plenty of time to think it out hehe.~*LoRie*~


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

That's why i want to meet a girl with IBS, nobody else will ever understand us unless they feel the same.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

thefrustratedwife: I'm sure you're a nice person, but your lack of empathy for your husband is astounding. You're too caught up in "poor me", when you aren't realizing that the only anguish you have is emotional. Your husband has both mental and physical anguish. He even has more physical anguish because you demonize/chastise him for being sick.


> quote:That's why i want to meet a girl with IBS, nobody else will ever understand us unless they feel the same.


So true. So many relationships I've had with women... and they eventually end up saying things similar to "thefrustratedwife." Like I said, I think men are just more understanding about this then women are. Societal norms dictate that men are the strong ones, the healthy ones, etc... But when that isn't the case, very few women "understand." And I'm speaking from heavy personal experience.


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## 14727 (Jun 25, 2005)

I am going to have to agree with Angst on this one. Guys are clearly more understanding than woman. I am a 24 year old woman myself and i find that my dad is much more supportive than my mother is. When i went to the doctor and my mom was with me she went off on how it is affecting her and I was like excuse me i think its effecting me a little more. My dad sits with me all the time giving me encouragement and NEVER makes me feel bad for not going to school or work he will just say we will try again tomorrow. On the other hand my mom will go crazy and be like you are affecting your future if you have to go just go..if it only worked that way. Even my female friends are much more critical than my male friends. My female friends are always like well can't you just come you will be fine and no matter how much you explain it to them they don't get it. That is just from my experience anyway. My advice to thefrusturatedwife is put yourself in his shoes!!! I would give anything to be able to go to school everyday and never miss a day of work and go any place i wanted but it doesn't work this way and is the $15 pizza really hurting your bank book that much!!!I think you are just focusing on that cause you can yell at him for that and not feel guilty but you feel you can't yell at him for the ibs


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

I think you guys need to cut frustratedwife some slack. She's trying to be as understanding of this as possible. She went out of her way and joined this forum... what does that tell you? Of course her husband having ibs is gonna affect her in SOME way but can't you see she's trying her best to cope with it? If you put yourself in her shoes you should try to understand -- it isnt that hard.And that's really judgemental for you to say men are more understanding of this than women -- you are in NO position to make that comment unless you've met every single man/woman in this world and informed them about your disorder. Until you've rounded up some more reliable statistics other than your past experiences then, I'm sorry, there's no such thing as men being more understanding. ~*LoRie*~


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

> quote:I think you guys need to cut frustratedwife some slack. She's trying to be as understanding of this as possible. She went out of her way and joined this forum... what does that tell you? Of course her husband having ibs is gonna affect her in SOME way but can't you see she's trying her best to cope with it? If you put yourself in her shoes you should try to understand -- it isnt that hard.


They've only been married 8 months and she seems to have big problems. That's NOT a good sign -- problems this early.


> quote:And that's really judgemental for you to say men are more understanding of this than women -- you are in NO position to make that comment unless you've met every single man/woman in this world and informed them about your disorder. Until you've rounded up some more reliable statistics other than your past experiences then, I'm sorry, there's no such thing as men being more understanding.


Quite a few healthy ladies don't understand. They can't understand "chronic illness." Judgemental? Maybe. But "thefrustratedwife" is proving me right.thefrustratedwife: My new advice to you (if you wish to understand this) is to spoil some milk, leave some chicken in the sun for a few hours and then go town eating that. If you can do that every day, and still complain like you do, then be my guest and I'll be nicer. If you don't even want to do that, ... that's how we feel. We don't want to be sick any more than you do.Most people that get the stomach flu or food poisoning don't go to work, they stay in bed and try and get better. When it happens every day, you have to be incredibly strong to even keep going.


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

> quote:They've only been married 8 months and she seems to have big problems


Big problems she's trying to RESOLVE. She can take the easy way out and file for divorce but as you can see -- she wants to LEARN how to UNDERSTAND his sickness even if it means signing up to this forum. Like the vow said "in sickness and in health" -- seems like she's follwing it okay!


> quote:Quite a few healthy ladies don't understand. They can't understand "chronic illness."


I could say the same thing for men. The only reason why you dont see men on here complaining about their wife suffering from ibs is because they probably dont last 8 months.~*LoRie*~


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## 21418 (Nov 21, 2005)

Wow, reading all this I have so many mixed emotions about this subject. I am 26, in a relationship that is very strong. My bf is understanding and willing to listen to me complain about my ibs. He himself has battled other issues but not this exact one. And I listen to his issues about them. It's give and take. No matter how long you have been with someone or how short the time you have been with them. You try. You can't ask for more then that... that and an open mind. It seems to me that thefrustratedwife is trying her best. My brother who is married and works full time with two kids has crones. My brother, from the time he entered his teenage years, all of a sudden he became LAZY. Not wanting to do anything, it was like pulling teeth for him to get off his behind and get a job, house clean, get out of bed by three in the afternoon and he ate junk food all the time. And when he got married he didn't change. Even after his first child was born, he stayed in his old ways. Now having ibs myself, I can relate and understand his pain, his constantly going to the washroom, the embarrassment of the disease. BUT, it's no excuse to be that lazy. Feel sorry for yourself then get over it. Take a day for self pity when your symptoms are at their worst, then get over it. Every single person in their lifetime will have to deal with some kind of illness or disease and although symptoms will be different, the pain and the emotional distress with be similar. And the husband is lucky to have a wife who is understanding and willing to listen to his stories of pain and embarrassment. But he is NOT going to get better if he doesn't take better care of himself. And this goes for every one that wants to be fit and healthy. It's NOT healthy to have pizza one-three times a week. It's not healthy to sit and watch TV for how many hours per day. You will not only feel better physically but emotionally as well if you get off your butt. And do take the day and rest when you can't even stand up straight with pain BUT do go for a walk and eat an apple when you feel better. And no, it's not a gender thing, it's an individual thing. It's about having sympathy to peoples feelings. Not everyone out there is a selfless person and in MY opinion thefrustratedwife is very much selfless. She's trying her best and that's all one can ask of their partner. Couple counseling sounds like a great idea. It's good to get someone out of the relationship to help solve and get down to the route of the problems a couple has. The money situation is a tough one. But once he understands that he can't always hide behind his ibs, making that an excuses to be lazy 24/7 then hopefully he will start feeling better about himself and start to pitch in a little bit more. In my opinion, he is hiding behind it but I think there is another reason why he is doing that. Maybe he doesn't have self assurance, self confidence and this is an easy way out. Like I said I live with ibs-c everyday and there was a point where I was "out of commission" for a good three months but I decided to accept what I had and move on. Eat better, cut out all the foods that I found my body rejecting i.e. pizza with a thick crust, McDee's, pasta, and so on. Then the symptoms weren't as bad, started going to the gym, started feeling better about my appearance and notice a positive change in my symptoms. I still get my bad days but things could be worse. Things could always be worse. To angst, please don't think all women are not understanding, there are many out there that are and it just takes that one who will help you and be there for you, you just haven't found her yet. Please don't give up b/c you have had bad experiences in the past. We all have. I hope for your sake, that you give the next women a chance, she might be the one who will listen to you and stands be you on your bad days. That's my two cents and then some!CheersAndi


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## 14727 (Jun 25, 2005)

thefrusturatedwife: I think you should be grateful that he only has IBS imagine what else he could have. Cherish the moments you have with him and try to appreciate him for who he is. Nagging him constantly is not going to help matters and even could make them worse. You knew he had IBS going into this marriage and there will be times where the ibs is good and times when it is just awful. If you couldn't work or go to school and had to sit home all day NOT because you WANTED to but because you HAD too(that is they key) wouldn't you be a little depressed and want to rent a movie and eat some junk. Its a perfectly normal response.


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## 14135 (Sep 22, 2005)

Angst you sound pretty bitter. frustrated is here asking for advice and you aren't helping anybody by getting so pissed off.I have a great girlfriend who is very supportive and understanding but shes also strong and doesn't cut me slack when I don't deserve it. By that I mean that when my anxiety (even when I'm feeling good physically I get full of "what if") stops me from doing things that need to get done she lets me know and helps me make sense.It looks like all fw is saying is that she doesn't want her husband to let the what if's get in the way. I agree with her. If we don't push ourselves we will be paralyzed and never leave our houses.Gary


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Some of you are getting on this board, reading my post and only comprehending what you WANT to hear. You don't know me and you don't know my husband. And Angst, if I drank spoiled milk and chicken, I would feel 10X as worse as my husband feels. He doesn't have severe IBS. He said to my face that a lot of times he doesn't try hard to get through this. And angst, I love how you're trying to speak for me and say our marriage is in trouble. My husband and I have been together nearly 5 years. We've went through deaths, alcohol abuse by our parents, drug abuse in our family, and other things. IBS ranks pretty low on biggest challenges of our marriage. But, since this is a site for issues dealing with IBS, that's what I write about.JustSmile, your mom sounds like how I am sometime. No, $15 pizza isn't hurting us. I was just giving an example.For those of you who are looking for the bad in me, here's what I said about myself.


> quote: He told me I am not behind him and I have no faith in him. This broke my heart, but I know he is partly telling the truth.





> quote: I want to be a better wife and I am failing miserably right now.





> quote: I am admitting fault in this situation! I got on here to learn from the perspective of IBS sufferers. I want to know what you're going through. I appreciate your reply because you did have some good points. But please don't be down on me. I am trying here.





> quote:The day I wrote this post I was extremely upset. I am under a lot of pressure...it's not a physical pain like my husband, but it's still pressure.





> quote: My way of thinking with my husband is wrong at times. And to answer your question, God is probably not happy with me a lot of times.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Do I need to continue? Some of you are coming on here and telling me things that I've already told you. I feel guilty enough without some in this "support group" giving me a hard time. Angst, I direct most of my comments at you because you are just trying to be ugly. Those like JustSmile are at least trying to help. JustSmile did criticize my behavior but in a helpful way. Thanks Lorie, Andi, and Gary. You gave me your perspective and I really appreciate it.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

I just wanted to say this to angst and justsmile:


> quote: Like I said, I think men are just more understanding about this then women are. Societal norms dictate that men are the strong ones, the healthy ones, etc... But when that isn't the case, very few women "understand." And I'm speaking from heavy personal experience.





> quote: Guys are clearly more understanding than woman


 In my situation, I would have to agree. I do feel insecurity because I have to be the strong one. Sometimes I don't know if I can be the strong one so it's hard when you're forced to be. Do you understand that? Yes, it's a stereotype that the man is supposed to be the strong provider. Our preacher, in premarital counseling, said a woman's biggest need is security. I guess I am just feeling a lack of this. I shouldn't take it out on my husband but I do. It's wrong and I admit it. Ok, I'm done here. I'm going back to another board. It's hard for single people to relate to this situation...sorry I hit such a nerve.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Sorry, but I thought common sense dictated that if you want to understand your husband, empathize with him.


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## 20468 (Nov 19, 2005)

> quote:Sorry, but I thought common sense dictated that if you want to understand your husband, empathize with him.


She wants to understand what she's empathizing.


> quote:Thanks Lorie, Andi, and Gary. You gave me your perspective and I really appreciate it.


No problemo! I back you 100% on this topic. However, when it comes to your new favourite phrase of "guys being more understanding than women" bit, meh... I only wish I can be as supportive.HAPPY DECEMBER 1st!!!







~*LoRie*~


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Sorry but I thought common sense dictated that you would read all the posts before posting your own. Sorry but I thought common sense dictated that I came on here to improve my attitude. I "empathize" with my husband; however, I will not sit back and let him let this control his life when there are simple things he's not doing to at least alleviate some of the symptoms. But, he's had a really good week so I am just thankful for that. And me having a good attitude seems to have helped. Thanks Lorie! I am less supportive than my husband would be if I was sick, but don't guess I need to generalize all women!


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## 14727 (Jun 25, 2005)

I didn't mean to come off as rude i was just trying to give you another perspective on the situation. Your husband is partly to blame i am not saying that he is perfect in any respect. I have a pretty severe case and still manage to go to school and work every day. Is it hard extremly and would it be easier to lay on the couch all day of course but you have to fight through it or you will just give up like your husband is doing now. Just be encouraging and you are right don't let him sit around all the time and do nothing... there are good and bad days on the good days tell him to get off his ass LOL>. I hope I helped you in a small way and not just pissed you off lol


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

She's not empathizing if she has those complaints. Empathy simply means, put yourself completely in the other person's shoes. It's hard to attain the right mind sets to do that if you aren't a sufferer yourself. In fact, I don't think it can be done.There's nothing more crushing than not seeing an end in sight.And just because he isn't having an attack doesn't mean there's not a constant level of pain.For me, when I'm not having an attack, my pain level is still around a 5 or 6. That's not something I want to go out and be in public all the time with.Maybe you should seek help on a "spouses with spouses that have chronic pain website."It doesn't sound like he does nothing to me, JustSmile. He does stuff around the house and works when he can. When one is sick they have to adapt how they do things.Wife and husband should see a psychologist, imo. It's the only way to get your problems worked out.Coming to a bunch of sufferers for marital advice won't get you that far, imo. Going to a professional (not a church counsellor unless they are a trained and certified psychotherapist) will be your best bet. It's also common for people with IBS to suffer depression. Yelling at someone who's depressed = bad idea. Getting them help = good idea.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

oh yeah.http://www.ibsgroup.org/main/aboutibs.shtml


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Justsmile, you definitely weren't rude and didn't make me mad.







Angst, thanks for finally calming down and making sense. Although I think seeing a psychotherapist is a little extreme. But I did find what you said interesting about having pain even when you're not having an attack.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Yeah, I got over myself and realized you're not a sufferer so you don't "know."If I were married and I were having problems, I'd want to seek professional help. We aren't a bunch of psychologists, nor marriage counsellors. There's no harm in seeking professional help. There's nothing wrong with it. It may keep problems from escalating. I'd start wondering about you two if things got worse and you still told me you didn't want help. There's no "trying" for each other at that point.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Definitely if things got really bad we would see a professional. I just don't feel we're to that point yet. But he has expressed interest in seeing a counselor. Ok, I think we've beat this dead horse. Thank all of you for listening and giving advice.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

I'm just worried one of you will eventually blow your top. You can never take back mean things you say even if you don't mean them. They will still slice into another person and they will always remember it.There seems to be a terrible stigma with getting psychological help, these days.


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## 19492 (Dec 4, 2005)

Hi all!I've just been reading all your replies to this topic and its made me really sad. I have IBS but that doesnt mean someone without IBS cannot understand. In fact can you imagine the fight for the bathroom if you both had IBS bad at the same time? Nightmare! frustrated wife, its great that you're on here to try and be supportive to your husband. I think one of the main issues that IBS brings is depression and a knock of confidence. The thing that best helps me is people who are prepared to encourage me to go out but still not push me. There's such a fear linked to IBS about going out at all that seems really stupid and embarassing to admit and maybe thats what your husband is afraid to admit to. I'm a Christian too and I think its important to make the most of your Christian friends to support you both and pray for you, people you can text to just pray when you need help being sensitive to your husbands needs.Other guys- women are all different and we aren't all evil. Don't limit your options to someone with the same illness, I think it might depress you more. We all have issues and we know you aren't invincible hero-like characters all the time. Sometimes all we need is you to talk to us about how you're feeling! Even if a woman without IBS cant fully understand doesnt mean she cant be an amazing support and encourager. No-one will ever fully understand you, only God can.Chin up folks







Saz


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Right ok,I have been away for a few days and have only just come across this post. This post may have hit a nerve with some of you- but it is clear to me that frustrated wife wanted to learn more about IBS so she could help her husband. She would not have bothered posting on here if she didn't care.I agree that IBS is no reason to be lazy- we all have bad days- months etc. If IBS has knocked his confidence so much that he won't do anything it looks like there are some other issues going on there as well that need looking into. Depression maybe? This can be treated very easily!Frustratedwife- search the forums, look around, read what you can and try to understand. Oh, and don't eat spoiled chicken and milk- that would be silly. lol. I do not use IBS as an excuse not to do things, i go and do them anyway, even when in pain. I think your hubby needs a confidence boost and a kick up the bum- can you get him to post on here maybe? Or print out some of these threads?For the meantime, remember- everyones points of view are valid- but please please please do it politely. If you cannot discuss this without attacking/being condescending/rude to others then i will close the thread without notice. Each to their own, everyone deals with things in their own ways. Newbies come on here looking for advice and it is disgusting from my point of view to hound them to the point they are considering to move off to another board.Nikki


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Thanks Saz and Nikki! I really needed your encouragement this morning. I definitely think depression is involved. He's not yet open to pursuing treatment for it though. And no, he won't post on here. I so wish he would because y'all are amazing and I have really learned a lot on these boards. I have emailed him some of the threads. I think I hit a nerve with some people because I couldn't tell the whole story...just one angle of it. It's hard in a post to tell a whole story. My husband is to the point now where he can't make it through two weeks of work in a row and he only works part time. If he makes it a whole week, it's really an accomplishment and I try to really encourage him. But like this morning he wouldn't go to work and he wasn't in the bathroom so it wasn't a D attack. Maybe the cramping that some of you talk about? He hardly has D attacks now since he's started on Bentyl and calcium (he did listen to me on that one!). Maybe the fear is still there that the D will come back. I don't know. I guess he's uncomfortable completely opening up to me about it. That's why I wanted him to come on here and share with you and get some of your feedback on the emotional issues that come with IBS and other illnesses. He's only 27 and it just breaks my heart to see him waste his life away. Especially when some of you on here have it way worse than he does and you still manage to have a meaningful life. I know there is more than IBS at work here. There's anxiety and depression I feel like. But he's just not ready to see someone about it. I'm trying to be understanding. And it's really frustrating (hence my name) because I can't stay on him about seeing someone because that just gets him more down but if I don't say anything he just accepts status quo and doesn't try to change. I guess I do give him a hard time because he's changed so much from who he was and I'm angry because I don't know this person. Anyway, thanks again to all of you for giving me a different perspective. And I guess I'll stay on this board after all.








Angst and I "kissed" and made up so to speak.







I understand that some of you have had an unsupportive person in your life so for me to come on here with that attitude brough back negative feelings to you and I'm sorry for that.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

^ FYI, you know YOU can see a psychologist about your husband, right?They can help you help him even if he doesn't want to get help.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

With all due respect, i don't think it is wife that has the problem here. Until her husband admits there is a problem there is not all that muc she is able to do about it.Wife- would you like me to email him and see if that helps?Have you looked into hypnotherapy?Nikki


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Thanks Nikki for the encouragement. I don't think emailing him would help. Like you said, he needs to admit there's a problem. He knows there's a problem, but I don't guess he thinks it's big enough to get more help. I might bring up the hypnotherapy idea. If he will use Mike's tapes, then it's well worth the money. But, I hate to waste the money if he won't follow through with them.


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## 18204 (Oct 10, 2005)

Hi Wife,I just reread this thread and felt that if your H is willing to talk to another guy going through the same things I would be more than happy to give him a call. Since I have been out of work for 4 years because of IBS I think I know where he is coming from. You are better off than my wife, at least your H helps around the house (as I hang my head in shame). My help around the house are things like adding a 2 car garage, replacing all the windows, new vinyl siding, rebuilding the kitchen, etc....I am 45, have had IBS for 20 years, met my wife 19 years ago and have been married for 18 years and we are the happiest couple we know. If it wasn't for her love and support I probably would not have made it. It has always been my wife who would find info about another med or supplment to try that may help me. Whenever we went to the docs office she was always armed with her research on what we wanted to try next. And it was my wife who found this forum for me. So, I applaud your efforts and don't let anyone discourage you.I should also mention that tomorrow I will be half way through Mike's tapes and (others are probably getting tired of hearing me say this) for me the results have been amazing, I am a new person, or should I say I am becoming my old self again.Robby


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Just thought I would pop in here to say a few things from an older lady's perspective - and some other resources as well...Firstly (((HUGS))) to you wife... you are a dear person who is trying to help someone you love... and it isn't easy.My ex-hubby had a hard time dealing with my IBS. He called my gastro after years of my having IBS and asked what else could be done, and the nurse called me back (to my surprise, since she was responding to his call) to give the answer "nothing more." To that my ex pretty much thought that I brought IBS on myself, I caused it, by eating wrong,and just generally that IBS was "my fault." It was not the only factor, but a major factor, in our eventually becoming divorced - it entered in. Had I felt better, I would have been able to deal with the other things - but all my energies were used to raise my two kids "through the bathroom door" and as I look back on the 20+ years of IBS, I guess I was a pretty strong woman dealing with someone who didn't believe I had a bonefide illness.But the difference was that I went to several gastros, Mayo Clinic, a hospital stay with nothing by mouth for several days, yet still had cramping, pain and D, over several years time, searching for help - well - you get the picture - I was VERY pro-active in seeking help for my IBS. Then in 2000 I came to this BB and found out about the hypno - the only thing that really helped me long term.So, in my case, my "frustrated" husband left, in part, because of the IBS and my other health issues - yes, there were other things involved, certainly, but IBS played a very major role.So I applaud you, wife, in trying to get help for your husband. You might also try contacting the IFFGD - (International Foundation for Functional Gastrointestinal Disorders) as they have brochures and literature that you can send for regarding the various treatments, and you can even call them. I have met and spoke with both the founder and her husband (as has Jeff) and they are very understanding. You might also contact the UNC Bowel and Motility Clinic and send for their newsletter which has lots of current IBS info in it.You can also print up a brochure from the ibscds.com site for your hubby as that has some good info and encouragement in it. There is also a toll-free line he can call and someone will get back to him if he wants to talk about this treatment.But ultimately, as Nikki says, the rest does need to come from your hubby - "you can lead a horse to water..." so to speak...Hope this info helps you, and all the best to you...


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## 19558 (Oct 19, 2005)

I am also the wife of an IBS sufferer and understand exactly what FW is going through. My husband is also 27, IBS-D and we've only been married since April. I read this board to find info that will help him as he's not the type to research either. He was diagnosed in May, so I didn't know this before I married him. He's always had problems, but never as severe as the past 7 months. He's lost a job that he had for 7 years and is having a really hard time finding another one while dealing with the sickness still. We have had some pretty big fights over money (as I'm the only income now) and he's not very thrifty with the money that we have. We are working through it though. I feel like he's finally realizing that this is not only affecting him, but me as well. I think that he thought that I wasn't being supportive at first and trying to be selfish by trying to push him to do things that he didn't feel like doing. But, he's now starting to see that I just want what's best for us and that we are both going through this, just differently. It takes a major toll on both people in the relationship and when both realize that, things start to get better. The best advice that I can offer to you, FW, is to just continue to support him the best way you can, and don't let him slack off unless it's needed. I'm sure that you, like myself, can tell when he's really hurting and when he's just being lazy due to habit. You said that you're a Christian so keeping praying that things will work out the way they should, and they will. Keep the faith







Everything will be ok. If you need to speak with me anytime, just post a message and I will see it. I refuse to give up on finding things that will help my husband. We will have a good life, things are just thrown off a bit. I will keep you in my prayers as well. Good luck!


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Thanks headder!!!!


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Nikki: You misunderstood my post.Suppose I have a friend with anorexia that won't go help, and won't acknowledge that they have a problem. I can actually go see a psychologist and ask how to help them. It all depends on how much you care about someone that's slipping. We have this at my college. If you know someone with an eating disorder you can come in for free to talk about them.It's just a "for instance"


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## Guest (Dec 15, 2005)

Hey, butting in here...I think that everyone has got to cut angst a little slack. What? Yeah, that's right. Angst, not frustratedwife.Although she is obviously trying to "help" and find some insight, from this thread and others she has posted on, some of her approaches, though well intended, are really misguided (please don't take offense).The issue that I think people are overlooking is that when you have a chronic illness, you often go through a really low period in your life before getting to a better place with it all. All the people who are living active lives with this condition have already gone through that. Frustrated wife's husband is obviously right in the rough of it, and from what I can tell would benefit most from pure support and love, and nothing else. Until that happens, I don't think his self esteem will get high enough to want to do anything to help himself.The reason I think we should all cut angst some slack, is that he is in the rough of it too. Most of us know what he's been going through, and why he's taking this stuff personally, and I can hardly blame him.Sometimes when people have harsh reactions, there's a reason. It can be hard to distance yourself when you feel like you ARE the one that all this is happening to.Anyway, I'll get off my podium now.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Midge, no offense taken. I totally agree that my approaches are misguided. I know I don't always react like I should. I have already admitted that. That's what the problem was with my post and the replies. I admitted fault and asked for ways to cope. Instead, several people attacked me. But, there were also those that offered their perspective. I know it's hard for me to explain the whole situation in one post. But, my husband has given up on life. He has worked probably 2 days in the last three weeks. And his IBS has actually been better. We have plenty of money, so I'm not worried about the lack of income, so just don't even go there with your responses. I'm worried about him barely leaving the house when he's not having any IBS symptoms. And I would know if he was having symptoms because he always tells me when he's not feeling well. I am worried about a 27 year old that loves basketball and is good at it who has stopped loving it and goes just because he feels an obligation because he has the key to the gym. He doesn't even want to play anymore. He has almost stopped taking walks with me. He lays on the couch watching ESPN all day. He is depressed. I have almost decided to stop even coming to this goup because I don't think IBS is my husband's main problem. Sorry for going on and on, things have been really bad this week. He still tells me that I don't have faith in him and don't support him. Can any of you please tell me what I need to do? He doesn't want me telling him to go to a counselor...he says talking to someone just doesn't work for him. He doesn't want me trying to "fix" this. He wants me to have a more positive attitude. How do I do this? How do I ignore what's going on? How do I show support to a severely depressed person who won't try to get better. What about the people in your life who show support? For those of you who went through "the rough of it" as Midge put it...where you couldn't even leave the house...what did those special people do to help you? How did they control their emotions when everything seemed so hopeless? If you could answer these questions (without personal attacks), it would really help me. Thanks for listening.


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## Guest (Dec 15, 2005)

If he is just asking for you to be positive and support him, the I think that is just what you need to give him. I know that it is hard, and that sometimes you won't be able to be strong, but as much as possible, try for a while to stop making suggestions and pushing him, and just let him be. Be as helpful as you can, ask if there's anything you can do, if there's any food you can make him. Tell him you love him, and that whatever he decides you'll be there for him.I totally agree with you, I think right now his biggest problem IS depression and anxiety, and not the IBS. But it is really hard after having a bad spell, because it stays fresh in your mind. A lot of us have trouble with anxiety because we constantly live in fear that another bad spell is right around the corner. And a lot of us battle bouts of depression trying to figure out how to live with this and let go of the dreams of what we wanted for our life.Often it takes hitting rock bottom before a person can decide that they are not going to let this stupid illness run their life and take everything good and fun from it. If might take a while, but I have hope that one day he will snap out of it and get really angry about how his life is being wasted, and decide it's time to do whatever he can to get back on track. And THAT is the time for suggestions like nutritionists, therapy, support groups (there are IBS supprort groups in most cities, and you could actually go yourself before he is ready to check it out).From what you've said, he's feeling incredibly sorry for himself, and just wants to be taken care of, for someone to make it better. He probably hasn't really accepted what the reality of his life is...that can take a really long time, months or years of counselling. But you are in it for the long haul, so do your best to be supportive and patient and give him a bit of space until he decides he is ready to tackle this head on. (Of course, if he becomes REALLY depressed or you think he would hurt himself, then it's time to get someone else involved whether he wants it or not!)I'm trying to think of what my boyfriend has done over the years... We were friends for a few years before we started dating, and when we started, it was in the beginning stages of my worst time. So, he was basically with me through the worst year or two of my life, and made it a lot better for me. I'm sure I was really stubborn sometimes, because it's hard not to feel hopeless. But after going to counselling to tackle anxiety problems, and majorly reevaluating what I want from my life, I am pulling out the other side, and finally starting to feel really positive about my life.If I can think of anything specific my BF did, I'll post.midge.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Thanks midge. I really appreciate what you said. I am really going to work on being more supportive. I bought a book today that deals with helping your spouse with self esteem...can't remember the exact name of it but it is by a Christian couple that I have listened to before on CD. I have done some internet research today and have saved some articles on how to deal with a spouse who has depression. I'll go home tonight, hug and kiss my hubby and tell him I'm sorry for the awful fight last night and this morning. I'll tell him I am going to try really hard to let him figure things out. (I have to let my hurt out to someone...boy, my coworker/confidant is not going to like me!







) I guess I am a bit of a control freak...I want to fix everything. But I just can't fix the depression and the IBS. I know that in my head, I just can't act like it. I am a very highly motivated person. If I want something, or if there is something going wrong...I am going to bust my tail trying to get what I want and fix what is wrong. I've got to learn to just let go and let God work everything out...in His time, not mine.


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