# Relationships



## mini13 (Jan 7, 2008)

HeyI have IBS-D for the past 4 years and it has been a struggle. I am a 23 year old student and this all started after getting really sick in mexico one summer and just never went away. I was just starting a relationship at the time and we have been together ever since, but it is extremely difficult. He is very outdoorsy, I'm talking lets drive 3 hours away and hike for five hours, he likes hunting and fishing, oh and he has a crazy passion for sailing (on a boat with NO washroom ya right!)...needless to say I have a hard time doing any of these things. It is so stressful. I want to do these things with him but I just can't. Most of our relationship he just has done these things on his own or we do a "light" hike much closer to town but still its so nerve racking. I wish I could say he was understanding too but he often makes me feel very guilty for getting sick. Every vacation or trip we try I get sick usually during transit on the way there and back as well as usually a couple days out of the trip as well..I know it must be frustrating but I was just wondering how other people are coping with relationships and dating. Do you guys feel guilty. I almost feel so scared to date again if things didn;t work out because although hes not great about it at least he knows and there is a level of comfort there. If I had to start over now I think my nerves would just be crazy bad. sorry for rambling


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## mania (Jul 29, 2010)

Though she never says it in her words, I can tell from her tone and the reaction on her face that my girlfriend gets pissed off when I don't want to do things because I feel bad. Not every time, but I think she gets fed up sometimes. It's just so hard for people to understand IBS, plus I have depression and anxiety, another thing that's hard to understand.Good luck, I hope you two can stay together.


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## SeanB (Dec 15, 2010)

Aww







, Sounds exactly like the things I worry about . . which is why I haven't tried dating or anything like that. I barely even go out with friends. I always feel guilty for canceling on a friend if we were suppoed to go out. ps: I emailed you back . . . I hope my email didn't go into your junk box.


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## PoorlyKitten (Jan 29, 2011)

Although it's off putting when you've met people who just don't understand, there are people out there who do and will support you!I had "friends" like that in school who just ended up thinking I was faking and got nasty about it. Once getting out of school though and meeting uni friends I found people that were much more understanding including my now husband and realised that not everyone were like the people in school. Although it's hard, you've just got to get out there and finding them and hopefully start getting past that worry and anxiety of the people that don't understand.I found that just the stress itself of worrying about them not understanding or thinking about having a flare up while out would set it off. Knowing that he's making you feel guilty probably doesn't help tbh and possibly contributes to you getting sick, especially when going on trips as I expect you're constantly worrying the whole time about "ruining" it for him and his reaction to a possible flare up. It might be worth talking to him and explaining that he's making you feel guilty. He may not even be away of it and you guys might be able to work out a way to find a happy meduim to include his long distance trips but also a level of travel that you can handle. Just remember, all hope is not lost and there are people both on here as fellow sufferers and non-IBS people that do understand!


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## sadbelly83 (Feb 2, 2011)

Hey there, I'm new to this board, 27 years old. I just want to say I completely identify with what you're going through. I could have written it myself (particularly with the sailing and trouble traveling to and from on trips). I wish I had great advice for how to make this easier, but the fact that I don't know either is why I've sought out this message board. Just wanted to say thank you for sharing because it's nice to read that someone else is having exactly the same difficult time. Thanks very much for your courage to share.


mini13 said:


> HeyI have IBS-D for the past 4 years and it has been a struggle. I am a 23 year old student and this all started after getting really sick in mexico one summer and just never went away. I was just starting a relationship at the time and we have been together ever since, but it is extremely difficult. He is very outdoorsy, I'm talking lets drive 3 hours away and hike for five hours, he likes hunting and fishing, oh and he has a crazy passion for sailing (on a boat with NO washroom ya right!)...needless to say I have a hard time doing any of these things. It is so stressful. I want to do these things with him but I just can't. Most of our relationship he just has done these things on his own or we do a "light" hike much closer to town but still its so nerve racking. I wish I could say he was understanding too but he often makes me feel very guilty for getting sick. Every vacation or trip we try I get sick usually during transit on the way there and back as well as usually a couple days out of the trip as well..I know it must be frustrating but I was just wondering how other people are coping with relationships and dating. Do you guys feel guilty. I almost feel so scared to date again if things didn;t work out because although hes not great about it at least he knows and there is a level of comfort there. If I had to start over now I think my nerves would just be crazy bad. sorry for rambling


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## sadbelly83 (Feb 2, 2011)

Hi there, I just want to share that I'm trying really hard not to become isolated because of this problem. I've already become somewhat isolated from friends because I'll be worried about going out or too sick some times, but I'm trying harder to push myself through it. I figure, the worst case scenario is having some kind of embarassing moment while you're out... and I'm trying to believe that even THAT would be better than isolating myself to the point that I wind up all alone. I'm trying to be more honest with the people I know really care about me, because it seems like the things we keep all bottled up are the things that make us worry so much. Good luck to you and I hope you feel better starting absolutely ASAP!!!


SeanB said:


> Aww
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> ...


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## janie101 (Feb 16, 2011)

I've been with my boyfriend just under a year and I think the first 6 months were probably the hardest - him not understanding why I didn't want to go out for dinner with his family spontaneously, or why my university attendance was so bad. But recently I've opened up and he's been so sympathetic, and I've looked back on other boys I've met or dated breifly (the type of boys who convince themselves girls don't fart or poo!) and I think how much worse it was to have to hide this problem. I don't think you should feel at all guilty about this, if anything, your boyfriend should be feeling guilty! I know plenty of people in relationships who wouldn't want to go on a five hour hike, IBS or no IBS, so he should be pleased that you've even made the effort. On the plus side at least he knows about your situation and seemingly tries to understand it, but he should be more concerned about you feeling ill than he is about his days out!


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## thePIXEL (Nov 10, 2010)

I also got sick in Mexico and never got better With me and my boyfriend, he understands to a certain point but at times I know he doesn't understand - which is fair enough cos I feel like you have to be around the person suffering to truely understand (i.e. my parents). It does get in the way of things we can do a lot and it's always in the back of my mind that he'll one day get fed up and leave me because of that. But only time can tell I guess?I'm not fully open with him about things. I try to put on my fake smile and get on with things because I know from going through college having someone ask 'are you okay' or 'what's up' really doesnt help the situation. I guess it's not just with him but with friends too. I just don't want to gross them out or anything. The thing I find the hardest is I get on with his dad a lot too - knew him first - and he always wants to take me to shooting fairs and hunting but I can't give him a clear answer cos he doesn't know and I don't really want to tell him - not sure how he'd react. And the BF has done what I said and kept what I told him to himself. His dad knows there's something up but no clue what it is exactly. It's a toughie!


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## subiegirl (Feb 22, 2011)

Yeah, its definately tough. For me, its the friends/classmates part of the situation that is the hardest. I'm pretty lucky in that my boyfriend is (mostly) understanding. I had already been dating him for a few years when my symptoms started. He pushed me to go see the Dr, but it took him awhile to get used to some of the limitations. I have luckily only been dealing with this for 18 months or so but there are still looks I get from him or tones of voice when I know he's not really understanding. But there's no way anyone can ever be completely understanding 100% of the time. Its harder to handle the situation with friends and schoolmates though. Even with some of my closer friends. Even on my meds I can still get horrible pain. I've developed some good coping skills and if one of my friends seems curious, I just say my stomach hurts. If they do so a few times and I think they are close enough, I'll tell them a bit about it. That 'my intestines sometimes spasm and cramp, just like you can get a muscle cramp anywhere else.' Most people understand that and if they ask other questions I'll explain the basic concept of IBS and how it varies so much from person to person. Maybe some of you can adapt that line for explaining you situation to people. I find its a good enough statement that it can be used for classmates or acquaintances too because it gives enough info to satisfy most peoples curiosity.


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## LNC (Mar 27, 2011)

I had a boyfriend who constantly berated me and made me feel guilty for feeling sick, but my fiance, who I will be marrying next month, is super understanding. He is a home body like me and doesn't ask me to push myself beyond my limits. Best of all, he lets me complain about my symptoms when I really need to and comforts me. I hope you can stay in your relationship, but I want to let you know that if you do break up, there ARE supportive guys out there. You just have to find someone who isn't annoyed that you have a body that doesn't function quite right/isn't grossed out by poo stories.


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