# ibs and major relationship issues - help



## 19084 (Jul 27, 2006)

Hi all,I am a pretty miserable 24-year old female, diagnosed with ibs around 10 years ago now and I really need some advice. Basically to cut a long story short, I have been going out with my current boyfriend for a few months now and I decided early on that I would tell him about my ibs (having suffered in silence for way too long in previous relationships). He didnt really understand at first but wanted to, so I was mortified having to explain every little detail about my bowels to him. But i did and at first I felt so proud that I had actually managed to talk about it with someone, especially as he reacted really well and wanted to help me.But recently i have started to get really angry with him all the time. This sounds plain crazy, but I think I resent him for being 'normal' and I have turned into a complete monster. I just keep snapping at him all the time. I get mad if he ever makes a comment about having mild stomach ache, I hate it when he uses the toilet at my flat, I feel angry when he farts when I am sitting there in agony trying to hold all my excessive gas in. I know it sounds unbelievably ridicolous - why am I having these angry, resentful thoughts??Has anyone else ever experienced these problems? I know I have ibs, but I am starting to feel that I also have a serious problem in my head, as I felt this way in my previous relationship too. My previous boyfriend wasn't very understanding of my ibs and would spend ages in my bathroom, making me so angry incase I needed to use it urgently. It got to the point with him that he just shouted at me that "he had to #### for gods sake" and that I should stop obsessing about my bowels.Please can anyone offer me any advice on what to do cos I am so miserable. I love my boyfriend so much but I am scared we are going to have to break up because I can't get these angry feelings out of my head. I just want to be normal like other couples







I dont want to be on my own forever.Sarah


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## 21973 (Jun 28, 2005)

Hi whittleFirst of all, hyou need to appreciate your bf for being understanding. not taht many people are, when it comes to ibs. also, i think youre cranky as hell because you compare your stomache pains with his and think its some sort of competition between who is suffering more. and lastly, why do you get mad if hes normal? you need to think things through with yourself and just calm down and appreciate that hes there with you.


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## 14448 (Jun 14, 2006)

Sarah,I understand what you mean. Ibs is a horrible, frustrating condition and it seems so unfair that some of us have to suffer with it while others don't.I too feel very angry at my boyfriend sometimes, usually when we go to bed and he falls peacefully asleep while I lie awake for hours feeling bloated and in pain. Or when we go out with friends and I can't eat anything, and my blood sugar crashes. I know it's totally unreasonable, and I usually direct my anger inwardly, which makes me more moody and snappish. My bf has remarked that it seems like I'm always on my period! I didn't tell him about my ibs till recently, when I was forced to explain my bad temper. He was very understanding and sympathetic, but he does tend to make light of it and make misguided comments like 'it's just your nerves'.You mention that your last boyfriend was less understanding. Could it be that you have transferred the anger you felt towards him onto your new boyfriend? Or maybe you feel he is the only 'safe' person you can offload your feelings onto?Whatever it is, make sure you tell him that it's not HIM you are angry with, but the condition that is making u angry. Tell him it's not his fault. If he feels accused all the time he will probably walk sooner or later. Remember that someone who has never experienced the continuous pain, anxiety and agonizing cramps of IBS has no idea what it's like to spend days chained to the toilet. This is not his fault either. Tell him what he can do to help you- he can't read your mind. eg. instead of getting angry when he uses the bathroom, tell him you feel panicky and ask for a hug/his understanding/a promise that he'll be quick/ come out if you need to go. He's already proved he is sympathetic to the physical symptoms so I'm sure he'll be understanding of the emotional side of ibs.When my IBS is bad, I prefer to be alone, so I can b angry and moody without damaging my relationship. I also see a counsellor, which really helps because you can express angry feelings in a 'safe' environment. You could try sports to get rid of some anger too.I really empathise. Good luck!


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## 19084 (Jul 27, 2006)

Sukie,Thank you so much for your reply - it is so good to feel that I am not alone and your comments really are appreciated. I really do love my boyfriend and I am not angry with HIM at all, I realise I am just taking out my anger and frustration on him which is not fair at all. Sometimes I just find it so hard to let him in, to open up to him and let him comfort me like I am sure he wants to try and do. I suppose I just sometimes feel like such a burden on his life. But I will try to change and talk to him more because I really do love him - after all how amazing must a guy be to actually not mind me ranting on about my bowels all the time! I might also try and find a good counsellor as that is something I have thought about doing for awhile, so I can talk to someone completely impartial.Once again thanks for taking the time to reply







Sarah x


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## millyimp (Jul 30, 2006)

Hello Whittle ,I have to agree with all Sukie said in her reply to you .Yes it can be emabarrassing telling your B/F partner about it but he is no mind reader, I discovered some time ago when I was in a relationship ,as soon as we realised it was a relationship it was better and fairer to tell him ..as the limitations it places on me would then also be placed upon him .Although he was a lovely man and he did try to understand it .. he read up lots about it .. but in the end ... him being a man who was used to being able to just get up and head off out for the day ..having a meal out etc , he just couldnt deal with not being able to .. due to my limitations . I recently thoughtI had someone in my life again and he told me so many times he had deep and strong feelings for me , but since I have told him only last week about it .. I have heard nothing from him .. maybe he too is not able to deal with the IBS situation we as sufferers have to deal with ... take care Milly


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## 19084 (Jul 27, 2006)

Milly,Thankyou for taking the time to add a comment. I am sorry to hear that you have not heard from the current guy you are seeing, but you definately did the right thing telling him upfront. In previous relationships I have waited far too long to tell my boyfriend the good reasons behind my sometimes seemingly irrational behaviour and it has ususally been too late to save our relationship. It is so unfair that someone you care about deeply will turn around and say they can't be with you just because of your ibs - don't we suffer enough from this awful condition in the first place, without having to face being rejected by someone who is supposed to care? I've often thought it would be a hell of a lot easier to date a guy with ibs himself - so we would completely understand each other! But my advice is not to give up hope, there are men out there who will stand by you and try to help you through all this. And if someone won't accept you for who you are, you really are better off without them. Good luck and god bless,Sarah x


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