# who am I?



## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

It seems paxil is doing what its suppose to. It is completely changing my personality.I was once a driven, ambitious and somewhat compulsive person. A perfectionist with a strong work obsession. I use to use the word ethic for obsession but since I started paxil I have lost all those compulsive desires.So where does that leave me?I don't think I want to go back to living on the edge all the time, that kind of stress is destructive. But I no longer seem to know who I am or what I want. I feel like a fall leaf drifting on a swirling breeze. I drift from hour to hour, day to day, with no purpose, no wants, no needs. Well, I have one want, I want to keep the good parts about the old me and toss the bad stuff.Where do I go from here? Is there anywhere to go?Lori


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

(((((Lori)))))) This is something I would definitely let your Doc know about. Just tell him exactly what you told us here. There are many choices of treatment and therapy. Actually if you aren't already seeing a therapist, you might want to consider that. Learning the tools to manage stress, find contentment, control compulsions is basically what a good therapist (psychologist) could help you with. Therapy combined with medication can work for many people. But for the moment I would let your Doc know exactly what you have written here. And I would let him know sooner rather than later.I recently had a friend go through something very similar to what you are going through. She finally called the Doc back, and he said "Why did you wait so long to tell me you were feeling this low??????" He made some adjustments and she is now a new woman. No not her old self, but the new and improved version of her old self.







Don't wait Lori, call the Doc so you can start feeling better. ok?







BQ


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

Thanks BQ,I saw the doctor this morning and told him. He said "stick with it", if more time doesn't work he will drop the dose a bit.I don't even know if he is really listening to me, as I was walking away and he was recording his findings I hear him say, "mood improved", how did he get that out of this conversation? I wish I could get another doctor but it isn't an option.He did double my estrogen, though how that will help I am not sure.Thank you for the advice, I will keep trying. There is a 2 year waiting list for therapy here.Thats a long time.Lori


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

(((((Lori))))) I'm glad you had the courage to tell him how you were feeling. Congrats. That isn't always an easy thing to do.I Am sorry he isn't your favorite Doc and left ya wonderin if he was actually hearing what you were saying. I am also sorry there is such a waiting list for a therapist. Maybe the estrogen adjustment will help you out. He is open to adjusting your Paxil dosage so that is a good thing. I guess patience is what is needed here huh? See how you feel with the Estrogen adj. If you still aren't quite yourself, tell him next visit.As far as working on you goes, I would try as much as possible to do some on your own. There are a wealth of books, journals etc on the market. Read the books relating to what you think you may have a problem with. Like for example, if you were a child of an Alcoholic I would look for books on coping with that, or if you were abused, look for books about coping with that....etc. Most important thing though, to me, is to learn to love you.







Hard thing to do, maybe the hardest for me, but so worth it.When I got comfy in my own skin, lots of things fell into place. There is nothing I can do about the past, all we I do is change the way I think about it. I found trying to stay in 1 day at a time and trying to find 1 thing a day to be grateful for extremely helpful "homework". Exploring yourself is hard work, but can be fun too. Right now may be a good time to focus on your purpose or *a* purpose. Volunteer your time or talent somewhere. Cause doing "self" work can make one's world *real* small, so getting out of yourself a bit and doing something in some way for others can give you just the right perspective on you. I still volunteer at school and I find it helps me to have a better perspective on many things.I know you know, it is all about that one blasted but true word......."balance". Maddening, but unfortunately, true.







I'll be thinking of you. Do something just for you this weekend.







BQ


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

Hi BQ,thank you for your comments. Oddly enough, I feel a bit more alert since the estrogen was increased, guess my doctor isn't as big an idiot as I thought. I had a great childhood from what I can remember, I grew up in farm country, which is wonderful for any kid (though watching pigs be slaughtered when I was 5 turned me off pork for life)I was a battered wife for 10 years (first marriage) but I don't think that left permanent scars, I divorced him and we have managed to be civil since then, he visits once in a while and all is well, why shouldn't it be, I never have to put up with him again.I think it is partly all the idle time I have on my hands these days, I don't feel well enough to commit to any major projects, or even small ones. I just feel numb and sleepy most of the time. I guess it doesn't help that for years my house was over run with kids, never a minute to think. But now there is only 2 kids still at home and as they get older they need me less and less. I guess I am lonely, listless and lost. I find I am also very sleepy since I started the paxil, and my concentration leaves much to be desired.Paxil is certainly not having the positive effects that were hoped for, but he keeps saying to "stick it out". Except for ending the panic attacks, but I had hoped for so much more. Well, actually, I am reading again. I was a huge reader years ago, but as my health got worse I found it increasingly difficult to concentrate on a book, and eventually I stopped trying, but the last few weeks I have read 15 books. Since thats the one thing I can commit to I will try your suggestion and see if I can find some books that offer me some emotional improvement.I tried volunteering at the high school, but was told they don't have a parent volunteer program, I even tried to put some pressure on the principal to start one but he wouldn't budge.Thanks for your input.Lori


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Lori, Hmm Maybe the estrogen is helping. That would be great. I don't mean to run out and get a book on something you don't need a book on.







I meant, not knowing your situation, if there a something in particular that was bothering you, like something you would want therapy for.... sure, go ahead and see if a book would help.But after what you shared here, the only thing that might be bothering you is pending empty nest syndrome.







Don't know if there are books on that... but I guess there must be.So, having trouble finding a new purpose since your busy Mom days are coming to an end, hmmm???Well, if there is anything you have been meaning to get to once you had the time, now might be good. A new craft or hobby, or taking up an old one that you now have time for again. Great that you have been able to get back into books! Too bad they don't need volunteers at the HS, same thing here, only they don't need ya already in Middle School. Perhaps somewhere else might need your help more. You could combine things and be a literacy volunteer at a library maybe?? Great that you were even trying to get a volunteer program started in the HS. That shows initiative so you must be doing better than ya think.







I think sometimes Lori things or opportunities present themselves, the problem I find, is seeing them when they *do* show up!







So keep looking and see if something grabs your eye or your heart.And here's hoping the estrogen change keeps working. And it if turns out the Paxil isn't the right drug for you, there are a whole host of other ones to pick from.







BQ


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## siennamover57 (Apr 23, 2002)

Hi,Paxil made me feel dead. I never felt so awful so I quit taking it. Make sure you tell your doctor how you feel. There are many other drugs out there.siennamover


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## haggis_maker (Sep 18, 2002)

just to say hi lori, i know you are strong, but you are not alone.see u in chat.


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## Guest (Feb 12, 2003)

I can sure identify with the feeling you have described.I think what helps is giving ourselves time to readjust, and during that time I would recommend a therapist for some talk therapy.It's amazing what we sometimes find out about ourselves in the process.... and much of it can be very very good.Good luck, Evie


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