# "spin off" of Weener's I've Had It thread



## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

I recently had to cut a certain group of people out of my "inner circle". It was a group of friends that I've shared a lot with, and used to really enjoy being around. As of late, however, a few members of that group made very desparaging (sp?) remarks about my health problems. Some saying "Boy, I wish I could stay home in bed and have a boring day" and "I think I'm going to go on disability too, I'm tired of working...Hey, I'm just kidding, I think I'd kill myself if I couldn't be productive". (Gee, thanks







) My point: Just like the wife of the man who made rude comments to Weener said she'd make sure he wasn't there (Great friend, BTW) I've cut this group of people out of my life almost completely. And when I do have to see them, I speak very little. Just let them ramble on. I think cutting these types of people out is good for us. We don't need that negative energy attacking us. So kudos to Weener and her friend, and to the rest of us who have cut out some bad apples from our lives! Anybody else had to "let someone go" so to speak?


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

I had to let my sister go. I was so sick of her rude remarks and put downs. She is the type of person who is happiest when she makes everyone else around her miserable.She wanted the kids to get together this year to give eachother their gifts since I refuse to see my sister on holidays anymore. so I relented because she was right, just because her and I don't talk or get along why should the kids miss seeing their cousins open eachothers gifts. So I told her that and I asked her if she wanted to come to my new house (she's never seen it) and I would make a brunch. That way she could see my house and also I explained that having her here would also be better because I have been unable to leave my house most days and this way there was no chance of me having to cancel the day of the get together. I waited a week for an answer and I got completely put down. She said, and I quote "I should have known you would pull something like this, everything has to revolve around you now because you think you are sick, I don't see why you can't just come to my house and if need be you can lay on the couch while the kids open gifts, I think you are just being completely selfish and now I have to tell my kids that you won't bring your kids to see them for gifts, and also my husband made the comment that if it weren't for the holidays we would have never been invited up there in the first place, so no, we will not come to your house."Nice huh??????? SO I wrote back to her saying that she was the one that wanted the kids together and I agreed, and that it's not a matter of me laying on her couch it's the fact that she's over an hour away from me and I can't tolerate the ride.Of course I showed my mom the email sis sent to me and I also showed her the one that I wrote back and guess what reaction I got?? Mom said to me "well, she could have left out what her husband said, but you know her and how she is. Why can't you just put things aside for the holidays and get along with her for the kids."I couldn't believe it! I am so fed up with everyone it's not even funny.So, I've dropped my sister for good and I told her that I will never ever be willing to spend any holidays with her.Mom and dad are getting close to being dropped too because everytime I tell them the #### my sister keeps pulling they just say oh well just drop it. Of course nothing is ever said to her to stop. All my life growing up and even last year if she puts me down or criticizes me in anyway shape or form in front of my parents nothing is said, but the second I speak up for my own defense I get from mom or dad "allright, just drop it and don't start fighting now". Why can't they say any of that to her?????? Sorry, got off on a tangent, My sister is a very sore subject for me. I could go on and on about the different things she's done to me. Don't get me started.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Hey, that's what this thread is for. Get that baggage out there.


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## kestral (Nov 2, 2002)

i've had to cut lose some "friends" who were abusive to their children! I knew them before they had kids and they were OK, but as the kids grew up it was clear that they were horrible and selfish parents.It was heartbreaking to see the way they treated their kids.When a mutual friend tried to talk to them about the situation, she was told to mind her own business. They have been refered to CPS and therapy, but of course are oblivious.I know this isn't exactly what you meant, but it was the first example that came to mindvery sad.There are other people who I have learned to simply not trust. For example yesterday a fellow at one of my volunteer groups mentioned he hadn't seen me for awhile.I told him I had been sick.He said "you don't look sick - what do you have?"I started explaining, but I could tell by the judgmental look on his face that he didn't really care, he was just mad that I hadn't been around to do volunteer work.I will never try to explain anything to him again. There is no point. If he asks in the future, I'll simply say "I wasn't available" and let it drop. Its none of his business anyway!


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

I have cut some so called friends out of my life. The ones who make subtle comments along the same line as your ex-friends Mrs M. I think that is what hurts most. You don't expect it from a friend, maybe a stranger. I've even distant myself from relatives because I know what they are like. Don't need their ####. My cousin berated me in front of my aunt, other cousins & their spouses at my grandmother's funeral. I couldn't believe it so I had to correct him on a few things and then I cut the conversation short and walked away. He will be one of the ones I will put my guard up and keep my distance. Sandi & MrsM with family/friends like this who needs enemies.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Me, too. People I thought were friends turned out not to be. It hurts deep, but I don't need them in my life if they are going to be so judgemental and self-righteous. Their turn is coming! Remember---"What goes around comes around". It's amazing how some people can accuse their friend of something, and they are actually describing themselves!I try to do the best I can and to hell with the rest. (On some days, anyway.)


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

Hi everyone,I have only been posting again in the past couple of days, I don't know that its because I am doing any better, but I realized I was cutting myself off from everyone, and when you get that down you either have to force yourself out of it, or give up. I was personally voting for giving up but my loving husband won't permit it, neither will my stubborn mother, so here I am, among friends again.







This post had me doing a lot of thinking, along with weeners.To be honest, fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, I don't look well, I am stooped, weak, pale, very thin, I usually limp or have trouble holding my head up, even getting through doors is a challenge, I am 37. My neighbours always ask about me, I think they are running a pool to see how long I will last. Last time someone came to the door to borrow an onion he said, "God! You look like death. You aren't dying are you?" I said "hell no, I did that last week" So when I tell people what I have I almost never have to deal with the situations you have. I know the few friends I "had" became frustrated that I never did the friend things like shopping & coffee, but I couldn't help that and I am tired of worrying what others think.A couple of weeks ago I thought I was in that situation, a friend of my daughters started to question me, I was just getting my guard up when he sheepishly put his head down and said, "me too". He really surprised me as I rarely meet men with FM. I use to have a quick wit in my better days and a saucy tongue to match. If someone asked me if I had seen a shrink for FM I would say, "Gee I wonder why my doctor didn't think of that? Hey! Maybe its because he knows I have a MEDICAL condition and it wouldn't help at all! Maybe you should talk to him about my problems and share your wealth of knowledge and solve all my problems!!! I'd really appreciate that, here is his number......I have to be honest, I do miss being productive and active and getting something out of life, I hated giving up my job and the money that came with it and I feel bad enough about it all without some as* trying to make me feel worse. And if my husband can accept it all without complaint (and work 2 jobs)when he is the one hurt the most by it, I'll be damned if I will let someone else judge me for it.And then there is Karma, it always gets jerks like that- someday those jerks will be faced with something similar- I've seen it over and over. I have faith that justice is always done, and someday we will be vindicated.Sorry to ramble, I just seem to have so much to say after being silent for so long.Lori


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

(((hugs))) all around! Yes, it is hard enough to have to give up so much and suffer the various indignities we suffer...Giving up jobs, giving up passions, the list goes on and on...Not being able to clean your own house, cook your own dinner, bathe yourself...you know that feeling. So that's why I figured this thread might strike a chord. Isn't it nice knowing you're not the only one who's fighting the battle? (((more warm fuzzy hugs))) Sweet bunch of people you all are


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

WEll, sister just confirmed my decision to drop her. We haven't talked since March and now because the holidays are right around the corner we had to discuss a couple things where the kids are concerned. But because I told her i wasn't going to her house for anything she sent me 2 emails putting me down, criticizing me, telling me i'm a worthless selfish person, etc etc. SO I completely blew up at her.Of course then I tried to tell my parents what she did and i sent a copy of her email to them so they could see what she wrote to me. And apparently she sent a copy of my response to her telling her that I was sick of how she treats me and that she will not see me at all this holiday season because if I do I'll probably slap her smug look right off her face. And now my parents are mad at me!!!!! and nothing is being said to her. I just told her that from here on she was dead to me, I have no sister. I am so tired of it, she has to ruin the holidays for me every year and I've finally had enough and told her so. and now I'm the one in hot water. I wish I could just crawl in a hole and not come out until after the new year. My dad is screaming at me through instant messages right now that I'm not helping things by talking back to her. My god, I've had it!I better go before i get really stressed out and type stuff that's not allowed.Thanks for letting me vent.Sandi


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Eef!







Well that's enough stress to last you a while. I am very blessed in that most of my family members (and sweet Mr. M) are for the most part very understanding (as understanding as they can be). I'm sorry you're going through all that!







((hugs))


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Sandi, I'm sorry to hear that your sister is ignorant towards your illness. It is so hard for others to understand what we go through on a daily basis. I've always said that I don't want a pity party, but geez please don't question the validity of my illness. Damn ignorant people


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## kestral (Nov 2, 2002)

well said weenerSandee - your sister really has a problem and so do your parents in taking her sidehope things get betterLori Ann - I REALLY like your come backs - brilliant


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

since i started drinking so young nearly all my "friends" were drinking buddies.they all promptly disappeared when i quit drinking.so,aside from my immedit family(who all seem to understand),i have only one friend,and he moved away so i never see him.maybe its time i made some new ones.it just that i fear i wont have the energy for another relationship.oh well,i have a big family.


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## celticlady (Aug 6, 2001)

Hugs and love to all!







This thread really helped me,to read it this morning was what my soul needed.I have several family members,including my Dad,who think it is all "in my head".This really hurts!!!!I have tried to eductate them,but they do not wish to read the literature,etc.I have also lost several friends/so-called friends who turned out to be wolves in sheep's clothing. The one who proclaimed himself the most religious turned out to be the most evil.And I dont use the term "evil" lightly.I am too naive and trusting.And foolish.I have made many mistakes,buut each day I try to better myself.Some people are so unforgiving,it is amazing. Thankfully I have a few GOOD friends and some family who do "'get it"re Fibro,myofaschial pain,IBS,severe depression,etc.Mrs Mason is right,who needs negative energy in their life???Sandi-I am so sorry re your sister. I applaud your decision to stop making contact with her.After 15 years,I have had to do the same with 1 sister-in-law. It is indeed heart-wrenching,but YOU have to look out for YOU.You can always just mail the packages to the kids,cant you? It is not good for our illnesses to be so upset on top of everything.I am so sorry you all have had to go thru all this,indignities on top of the pain.KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON,as they used to say.







I will keep you all in my prayers. I will also hope and pray for a CURE to this awful,invisible disease they call fibro.Peace to all







Celtic(P.S.-sorry to all I am behind on sending Pm's,cant type much due to yet-undiagnosed joint sweling and pain)


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Good to see you Celtic! It's been a while. ((Hugs)) to you, hang in there dearheart!







I'm so glad the thread was helpful for you. It has been very helpful to me too.







and ((hugs)) to all!


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

Hi all. Thank youfor the kind words. I really need them right now. I have a wonderful neighbor at my new house, she and her husband are very religious and go to what they term to be a healing church. I went to their house Friday night for a Pamperred Chef party. I had a really great time. My neighbor also has IBS-d and understands somewhat what I go thru. Before I left all the ladies there asked if they could pray over me to help me. So I figured why not. For 15 minutes they spoke in different tongues praying for me. I thought it was nice. However it was short lived where my family is concerned. Since my last post about my sister she has gotten worse. but like my nana said to me when I told her what was going on she said to me "honey, don't let her get to you, she is the type of person who has to make everyone miserable to hide her sorry life, don't let her know it upsets you so much because then she wins, don't let her win, you are better than that. Her attitude towards you is not worth your precious energy so ignore her and get on with your life with your loving husband and wonderful children, her attitude and actions have no place in your mind."I thought that was great.So that's what I did. But then my dad had to put in his little dig the other day. I am trying to find an item to buy for my hubby for xmas and all the stores are sold out so I put in an order for it. So my dad said to call other stores not in my area. He thought maybe the Sears store in Boston Mass might have it. But of course when I told him that even if they did there would be no way I could go get it. Boston is a two and a half hour drive from me. so he said "right, cause I hear there is only one bathroom between you and there."We were online doing instant messages and once he typed that it I signed off and haven't talked to him sense. I am so tired of it!Thanks again for letting me vent. This always happens around the holidays.


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

I just put my response on weeners post. I thought you had some very good advice on it, by the way, mrsmason.I am sorry that a lot of you have been going through some bad times with some of your friends and relatives. I feel very fortunate that nobody has ever actually gotten nasty about it with me. I have gotten some questions and some looks though.Sandi, I don't get why your sister doesn't think she is being selfish. It sounds like you have already been to her house, and you'd think she would welcome a visit to your new home.Maybe you'll have to explain to your family that it is not just a matter of finding a bathroom, but it is also that you have urgency and may find yourself in a mess that would be embarrassing. You also can tell them it is like when they are sick and have diarrhea. Do they feel like traveling then? Tell them that having chronic bowel problems takes a lot out of you literally. When you have the flu with pain and fatigue, that is what it is like. Maybe they will get it then. Perhaps your sister doesn't want to get it because she has always been jealous of you, and gets back at you by trying to be controlling. Ask her what the "real" problem is? Hopefully she will spill her guts. Her anger over something you think is trivial from the past might be hard to take at first, but try to hold back and listen until she gets it all out. Just tell her your sorry that she felt this way. Then maybe there will be a way to patch things up and you can come to a better understanding. Well, that would be the best scenario. It may not turn out all that rosey, but it's worth one last time. If it doesn't work, you can say you tried and move on like you said until she is ready to make the next move. She may just have to stew on it awhile.Lori, it is good to have you back and vent. I'm sorry you have not been feeling so "saucy" anymore. Those were some good comebacks!(((hugs)))) to all of you


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Sandi, I like your Nana!!







I'm glad you have someone that will get behind you


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## kestral (Nov 2, 2002)

Sandi - good for you, shutting off your dad like that, what an ignorant and mean remark.Maybe if he gets shut off a few times when he makes a dig he'll figure out that its no longer acceptable. Lets hope.My dysfunctional parents made a mean remark to my sister in law (who is ready to deliver my first nephew (YAY!) in January) something about infants being such a big problem for the family.This is their one and only grandchild! I can't imagine what they were thinking to say such a stupid thing.My poor sis in law called me in utter tears. I don't know why these insensitive fools have to always make people feel bad. I told her the best way to deal with them is to just avoid them, they've been like that my whole life and I don't see them getting any better soon!When family members repeatedly cause pain, maybe we are better off without them. We can make true friends our new families.


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

Sometimes it beggars belief that the people who are supposed to be unconditional in their love to us are so down-right nasty!







Sandi - I am truly sorry that with everything else you have to deal with in life, you have had to put up with this #### from your family.







However, it doesn't follow that just because someone is a blood relation means we should put up with their diabolical treatment...genetic ties does not mean people have a free reign to trample over us like doormats. We would not tolearate this beahviour from a so-called friend so why does it follow that we must from family?You have a right to live a happy and stress free life, and if your parents are unwilling to support you against these disguting personal attacks made by your sister - then your better off cutting them out too - In my opinion







God forbid one of your family should I ever be struck down with an illness is all I can say, perhaps then you could say "oh pull yourself together and stop being so selfish"







Grrrr! I'm so mad they have treated you this way, you deserve so much better in life. big {{{hugs}}}Clair


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

I took your advice unmoulded and I sent her an email asking her point blank what it is that she dislikes about me. I asked her nicely to tell me honestly because I really want to know what I have done my entire life to warrant her treating me the way she does.So she sent me back an email telling me that she doesn't know how to answer that right now but she will definitely get back to me, it may take her a few days.I couldn't believe it, how can there be that much that it takes a couple days to put it all down???I can't wait to see what she has to say.Thank you all for such kind words about all this. I know you all have your own problems to deal with and it is so great the you all take the time to give me a lift. I absolutely love you all.Love, Hugs, and Prayers.Sandi*******************************Live life to the fullest because you never know when you won't be able to anymore.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

((((((







Sandi







))))))Take care. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with all of this from your family. Those insensitive clods.







Just remember---their time is coming.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Hang in there Sandi! And everyone else!(((hugs)))


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

Hopefully it means she wants to choose her words wisely Sandi. I'm glad at least that she wants to take time to think about it first. I do sincerely hope she is not nasty to you with her reply. You have taken an honest step to try and repair the damage. No matter what way it turns out, you can hold your head up high. Don't allow yourself to be as angry as she is. My student (I tutor English to) and I just read a story that might fit this situation. It goes something like this: A man noticed that his bus driver everyday had a smile for everyone. There was a rude man who rode the bus on a daily basis with this man as well. He was always crabby and never had a kind word or smile for anyone. The man asked the bus driver at the end of the line one day, why he didn't tell the rude man off. The man relayed a story about how his neighbor had a dog who barked at the moon every time it shone. The dog would always bark, but the moon just kept on shining.I know, you might think that is a trite, dumb little story, but when you think about it, it really does have something to say. We don't have to let angry people get in the way of the happiness we seek. Maybe one day they will find out for themselves how their anger has not only destroyed their inner peace but also chips away slowly at the others they come in contact with. I hope your sister finds her inner peace and that you will not let her bitterness destroy yours. I am not saying that you should remain passive while she attacks you all the time. (After all, the rude man on the bus was not the bus driver's brother. The dog was an animal and the moon a thing that just hung up in the sky). You have taken a calm controlled approach in trying to mend things. If it doesn't work out then you might have to stay clear of each other until you can agree on more friendly terms of sisterhood. Sisterhood and friendship should never be built on competition but on support of each other. I can talk smart like this because I don't have a sister. I have four brothers. Sometimes I wish I did have a sister to talk things over with and would understand. I can see that it does not always work that way though. My husband has a brother/s that he barely talks to. They are always cordial with one another when they are together, but they rarely ever call, write, remember birthdays, or do anything together. My brothers at least will call each other on occasion. Whenever I suggest that we go visit one of his brothers, he always gives me this funny painful look, and shakes his head a little indicating "nah, lets not." I think he feels the competition thing. They all have very nice houses and good jobs. My husband has a decent job too, but we live in a moderate home in a moderate neighborhood. Of course, I'm not working either now, so we haven't been able to move out to the fancy suburbs in a $200,000 home, which really doesn't matter to me (more to clean and make payments on). We're in our 50's now, so many people downsize at this time. It's interesting though, that we went to visit one of his brothers because we happened to be in their vacinity (of course I arranged it). We hadn't visited them in probably at least 10yrs (although we do see each other at least yearly at family events). It turned out that their house (they moved from the last time we visited them), was not any better than ours this time around. We had a nice visit with them. We asked if we could tour his facility where he works and he was happy to show us around (and a grand one it was). My husband's facility is nice too. I think when it comes to friends and family, you have to set jealousy aside. It just doesn't work. If you are the one that is doing well and have a lot of "things" don't brag about them. Things don't make you happy in the end. If someone has more than you, show your pleasure and support that they are doing well. If someone is having a hard time, be there as a sounding board and help them in ways that are constructive.I hope you all have a warm Thanksgiving holiday and hope I haven't rambled on too much.


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

Hi all. I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving. Atleast better than me I hope.I got my reply from my sister on why she hated me so much. Wow, did she cut me down. I'm still reeling from it. I got it the eve of Thanksgiving. She said she wanted to make sure I got it before Thanksgiving so that it was ruined for me. How nice is that.So I responded to her email clearing up some untruths she said and also cleared up some things she was completely mistaken about.So then she sends me back an email telling me that my email was full of lies and untruths and that I am incapable of the truth. Then she told me I needed a shrink. Got that Thanksgiving morning.So I put on a happy face for my parents and my kids, after crying for about 2 hours, and made the big dinner. So we had a great time, partly because I downed an entire bottle of wine before my parents got here at noon, and had about another bottle throughout the day. so nothing much was botherring me. My parents know about the emails i got from good ole sis the night before and they said they didn't want to discuss it until after turkey day. So they acted like nothing happened which was great because then I was more able to enjoy the day.But then being the nice person that I am and can't be rotten to anyone I sent an email card to her family wishing them a Happy Thanksgiving. It was a really nice card and all I wrote was "Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours". That was it. Well, then I got a message back from her saying that I shouldnt' have bothered sending her family a card, she didn't even open it because she doesn't care. Then she proceeded to tell me that if I thought her first email about her problem with me was bad that was just the tip of the iceberge and she hasn't even started yet. Oh, boy, can't wait.So , like I said, I hope you all had a better turkey day than me.Thanks again for the ability to vent to you all.I don't know what I would do without you.


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Hi Sandi, have a glass of wine for me too. I'm sorry to hear about your sister's replies. Maybe it is time to completely cut-off ties with her. Give yourself a break from her. Sounds like she has a lot of anger towards you and can only see her side of things. As for your parents taking her side, I would politely tell them that you do not wish to discuss this any further. I'm still learning over the years that the negative, jealous people are not the ones I need in my life. I have enough stress coping on a daily basis and need not add any more. So here's a couple of turkey drumsticks for sis














Take care Sandi and don't let her get you down.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Wow, that is just truly awful. I don't know why some people are so hurtful and mean. I really wish I could say "Don't let it bother you" but I know that's impossible. Some people are just ignorant and mean, and they always will be. I'm sorry you had to go through that Sandi. Noone deserves to be treated that way.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Ok, I have a new one to add too - though it isn't nearly as awful as Sandi's. We had plans to go to the circus tomorrow with some good friends at 7 pm. They have a 3 year old who has been dying to go, and dying for us to go with him.  I have an appointment at 1 pm that will last a little over an hour, and the other showing that we decided not to go to is at 2 pm. Well, they just called tonight and want to go at 2. I explained that I couldn't, as I had that appointment. "Well, you could come late after the appointment" So I said "No, I can't I'll have to rest between the 2." She said "You mean like lay down in bed? Why?" (She knows I've been sick sick sick) I rolled my eyes and tried to explain to her. She then said "Well I'm sorry. I hate that you won't be able to come with us. If you give us your tickets we can hock them for you." Gee thanks







If I wasn't doped up on medication with my head in the clouds, I'd be steaming mad right now.







Some people are just always going to be stupid.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

I can definitely relate.My hubbie, yep, you read it right. My own hubbie said the other day that he had heard on several "national" t.v. programs that people who talk about their health problems alot, or spend a lot of time "researching", etc.----they are more apt to be in poorer health because they won't/don't focus on "other" things. Arrghhhhhh.







Then he gave an example of how his brother subscribed to all these health magazines and how he tried to diagnose himself. And his brother's therapist told his brother to throw that stuff away and listen to the Doctor instead of trying to figure things out for himself and getting his anxiety all out of kilter. (Anxiety runs high on hubbies side of the family andl his brother has had several breakdowns---so has my hubbie). So, I asked him if he was trying to tell me that I spend too much time on the Fibro/IBS board. And I let him have it. I told him that this board is more than medical self-help. It gives us laughs, it gives us support. And we talk about more than just our health. We may exchange recipes, or have a good debate going, etc. Jeesh. And I don't spend that much time here. An hour here or there. But I do sit at the computer and play solitaire or something when I'm bored. Here's a guy who brings up the fact that he has this or that or something else, whenever he gets the chance to mention it to anyone; or mentions that he had broken bones in the motorcycle accident (never once does he say anything about my serious injuries from that same stupid accident--our injuries were almost identical), and that he has had heart surgery, etc..I don't dare say anything like I don't feel good, or I hurt really bad today or I have a splitting migraine. No way! He can't cope with that. But I'm suppose to sit and listen to him. Arggghhhhh.







All I've got to say is I've just plain had enough.From now on, I don't tell hubbie anything. He can just guess or get the h**l out of my way!!


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

Yikes Sandi! I get the picture now. I'm sorry that it opened up a whole can of worms. She sounds truly dreadful. I agree with weener.If I were you now, I guess I would tell her that I needed to get rid of the toxic people in my life and that when she was ready to be civil, then I would reconsider a relationship. I would cease corresponding with her. I'd wait until she comes crawling back and if she became rude, I'd cut her off again. I wouldn't put up with it anymore. It takes two to Tango - two to fight and two to make-up. Please delete those e-mails into the trash bin so they don't eat at you anymore. Your parents just will have to accept it. Bless your wonderful Nana! I wish you happiness. Cut loose and set yourself free! Take a deep breath. Smell that fresh air?







UnM


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Sandi,Sorry to hear about your horrible battle with your sister and your parents. Unmoulded said it well. Delete her right out of your life. You don't need someone like that. And your parents are either going to have to realize that she is the one with the "problems" or they will loose you, too. Hang in there.  I apologize for posting my "rant" instead of letting you know that I feel for you. Sorry. I didn't mean to be selfish.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Hey, this whole thread is for ranting.







I hate that everyone has such terrible stories to add though.


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Can we open a can of whoop ass on these people


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

I knew there was something else I wanted to post, but forgot.I was watching a t.v. show the other day and they actually incorporated fibromyalgia into their story line. This was the first time I've seen that. The show evolves around a news crew who go out and find stories to do. Apparently, people living in this complex were getting sick and were diagnosed with fibromyalgia. The journalist who is covering the story finds out that they were being slowly poisoned with mercury under the floorboards. Unfortunately, I didn't get to see all of the show. Although it is a fictional show I was surprised to see fibromyalgia mentioned.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Weener------ROFLMAO ! I'm gonna make that for "main course" for supper tomorrow night!


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Hmmmmmm......that's really interesting that they mentioned Fibro on the show.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Wow that is interesting. How weird!


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## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

Hi,Iï¿½m sorry to hear that so many of you have problems with friends and family.







Canï¿½t understand why people who are supposed to be supportive behave in this way...I have a friend that used to be totally insensitive to my problems with FM and I had pretty much decided to end our relationship. BUT now she has changed, much more understanding. She is pregnant and I was thinking it may have to do with that. She seems more sensitive to people around her.../Mio


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## LaurieJ (Sep 3, 2002)

I hope I am not butting in, but I read all of your posts last night and I couldn't get your stories out of my mind. I would like to offer my opinion on friends and family for what it is worth, and offer a personal story that I have never shared with anyone.First of all, I agree with those that say it is ok to "cut-off" family if they are harming you in any way (either psychologically or physically). I've never understood the thinking that family is family no matter what. I love my famliy, respect them and would do anything I could if us friends. We just have nothing in common except genes. I would never think about telling them any personal thoughts or feelings as we have extremely disparate points of reference. Going shopping, to movies or anything social is out of the question...it is just to uncomfortable and awkward. Nothing major happened to split us, no arguments, hostility or anything like that....It is just simply that we each have our own lives. Now, I equate this with the pioneer spirit of the last centuries. When my grandparents immigrated to this country, they new that they would never see their family again. Did this mean that they didn't love them, or that they were running away from them? No, it just meant that they were looking for a life of their own - and maybe a better one. Same with those that went west. They left their family and friends to set up a new life in the "wild frontier". And this was accepted. It was common for families to split and never see each other again in those days. Anyways, this is how I look at my growing apart from the family - my own immigration to the promised land (even though I am only 30 miles away). My mom and brother lay a heavy guilt trip on me but I refuse to let it affect me anymore. My husband is my best friend and we deserve to make a family life of our own, with no-one judging our decisions (what, married 11 years and no children?, etc). Although I have not experienced the hot, vicious attack that the one poster is relating concerning her sister I have been involved in a cold fury from my brother that lasted about 2-3 years. It was over my sisters terminal cancer and her decision to have a bone marrow transplant. I have some professional knowledge of this procedure and I was trying to convey to my brother that this is not a "cure" but only a way to allow the doctors to adminster more potent drugs that might cause the cancer to go into remission. I explained that it is a very rough treatment and that she will have life - long disabilities even if the cancer is eradicated. I said that at a certain time, she is going to have consider "quality of life vs quantity of life" when treatment options are laid out for her. I never mentioned this to her, but my thinking was that my family seemed to be taking the whole thing as a miracle cure and once the 6 weeks of isolation was over, her life would return to normal. I wanted them to have an idea that this had a good chance of failing and that there are big risks of complications. And seeing that I am the one health care worker in the family, I thought that this was how I could help the others....by explaining things in a non-technical way and preparing them for her death (they never faced it, even when she died...most of them considered it "unexpected"). Unfortunately, my brother didn't see it like that. He thought that I was too negative and that I had already decided that she was dead,etc...and that I should never, ever, say negative things like this to my parents and slash their hopes. This is the only time in my life that he had ever yelled at me at the top of his lungs (I was 35, he 40). I asked him to leave my house which he did and we didn't see or talk to each other for at least 2 years. Since then we have visited and tried to return to normal but on my part, although I have forgiven him because I understand now that he had never experienced a death of a person close to him, I cannot be comfortable with him. And I am very careful to never bring up controversial topics again. Because of my job, I knew as soon as I found out her diagnosis that her 5 year survival chances were very slim. So I will admit that I looked at her treatment as only delaying the inevitable....but I did not say this out loud, or point blank as I also know that miracles do happen and hope is the basis of them. So, this is my story. Because of this, I decided to concentrate on creating my own life, my own way, by spending my time with people that understand me, respect my views and intellectually challenge me.The moral: Ultimately, you are responsible for you. If others are causing you unbearable grief, it is not wrong to withdraw for a while and let life happen. For after all, experience is what teaches....and maybe your sister will find her own "teacher" and come to realize that your feelings, wants and desires are valid and accomadations must and can be made. Not to belittle your illness, because I think I have an idea of what you are feeling, I can't help but think that out of the two of you...your sister is the one that is sicker. She is not able to accept that someone has the right the live a life their own way....and if changes are needed to reduce the effects of an illness, then that is just the way it is. Everyone at one time or another will have to do this. So my recommendation is to concentrate on your home-life, accentuate what you have and can do and minimize contact with those who cannot accept your illness. And realixze that your estrangement may not be permanent....people change, hopefully your sister and parents will too and of course, your illness may go into remission.I hope I have given you something to think about and that things will get better for you "everday in everyway". This is just my opinion - please don't think that I am telling you what to do. I would love to hear what others think. Take care everyone.Lj


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## LaurieJ (Sep 3, 2002)

Sorry to add another post but I noticed that the second sentence in the second paragraph got cut off and ran into the third sentice. The third sentence should read "But we are not friends".So I am saying that I love them, respect them, would do anything I could for them, etc.. But we are not friends. Sorry about that. I'll blame the computer.Lj


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

Lj,That is an interesting take on why families may grow apart. I tend to agree with you about how the frontier spirit has been partially responsible. I don't think that it is necessarily a bad thing, but often done out of necessity, as you indicated.In researching my family tree, I see how some had left London in the 1600's during impoverished and theologically challenging times (i.e. conflict with the Church of England). I see that some split with the Puritans after colonizing with them here and went into other denominations because of more conflicts of beliefs. Some did so for the harmiony of marriage and family. Some even moved into Canada after the Revolutionary War and fought with Britain against the U.S. in the War of 1812. Then, decades later, moved back into the U.S. and fought with them in wars since then. You can find the family name and connection in many places, and every one has their own stories to tell. Similar stories happened on my husband's side.My mother from Brooklyn, whose parents immigrated here from Italy for a better life after the first World War, ended up marrying my father, a farmer in Wisconsin. Unfortunately, none of us are very familiar with our mother's side. Also, none of us five children ended up staying on the farm, part of which had to be sold when we were young due to changing times. Now, all of it is being sold so that my parents can move closer to town in the autumn of their lives. Fortunately we have all managed to keep in touch and basically live in harmony, although not all that close either. We do not always agree, but manage to work things out.I understand a bit from where you are coming from with the conflict over health-care and your sister. I might have the same view, since I was a health-care worker as well. My own experience with illness and basic beliefs concerning life and death come into play as well. We can tell them how we feel and what we know about it, but I guess in the end, we have to respect the ill person and support them in their decision. The trouble is, not even they are always ready or have all the knowledge to come to a decision for themselves. I see that you were only trying to help them in this way. I am sorry for the loss of your sister, and the estrangement with your brother. Families have been fraught with conflict since the beginning of time according to the bible, and will most probably be always that way until the end of this world as we know it now. We can only attempt to be peacemakers whenever we can. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. It is not all left up to us. Sometimes we do have to let go and let God, as they say. Peace to you all, and thanks for sharing. Sometimes it helps just to vent.


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

Laurie,Thank you sooo much, you have no idea how much your post helped me! Especially after last night. Got in an argument with my mom again about my sister. I asked her if she could do me the one favor of clarifying some of the stuff my sister had misconstrued and When I tried to clarify things she told me I was full of lies, I was incapable of the truth, and that I needed a shrink. How nice was that? And then she tells me she hasn't even started yet. Meaning that she's going to tell me exactly what she thinks of me. KNowing her I'll get it the day before xmas just like the one just before thanksgiving. This was her reply. "I haven't discussed it with either one of you, but I did tell her that I was going to her house on Christmas Day, not like she thought and that I wasn't going to discuss anything further to ruin the rest of the holidays. I really don't think it is fair of you to try to make me take sides, and I can't do that to either one of you. As you already know, I agree with a lot of your things and I agree with some of hers, but I'm in the middle so I really hope and pray that somehow the two of you can work this out even if you can't ever be close as sisters again. we have told her to stop and also have talked to you. You both say cruel things in emails and I am not ignoring the situation. How can I? But, I am extremely stressed out right now and just can't even think about what to say or do. It seems like whatever I say to either one of you the other gets upset so I decided that since both of you are grown ups that I would try to let you guys handle it. You say one thing, she says another and no matter what I say neither one of you are going to agree. hope you don't think I am being mean or angry or mad at you because I am not. I just am trying not to get really upset or to get you really upset or even her. Unfortunately, I can't make either one of you do anything because you are not little kids anymore and you do not live here. I can't tell you what to say or do or even how to act and if you don't want to share any of your life with her, then that's your choice, but you can't stop us from wanting a whole family or for wanting the grandkids to all be able to spend time together because it's not their fault their parents can't get along"So then I asked her this: "how would you like it if one of your sisters or brothers took every oportunity to criticize you, tell you that you were worthless, that you were ruining your kids lives, that you're wasting your husbands money by not working, that you are selfish, misinformed, rude, stupid, fat, hair looks awful, everyone is sick of you, you are incapable of truth, you need a shrink, your husband should have left you for good the first time, you should give your kids a life and leave and let someone else raise them so they don't end up warped like you, etc etc, during every visit, every phone call, and every email."(Maybe I need a shrink just from her! )This is what mom had to say "I really can't see her saying all those things everytime and since I haven't always been in the same places with the two of you, I haven't heard that, but I am not going to sit here and argue about this and no I don't think that would be a good idea because I really don't want Nana's or mine or anyones Christmas ruined by fighting. if that what you are planning, then maybe you ought to rescind the invite for us to go up xmas eve. like I really need this on top of everything else right now. I am sorry you are upset, but guess what, so am I because obviously don't what to admit how much d that this just hurts everyone." This is the same #### that goes on every year at this time. I already told mom that if my sister comes here xmas eve that she will not be welcome and that I will never see her or speak to her ever again. I also said that I've kept a lot of the emails I have gotten from her and if she keeps it up I will sue her for slander of character. I already spoke to my lawyer about it and he said that it's been done many times before. Don't know if it will get that far but atleast I know it's an option.Thanks again for your insightful post.


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## LaurieJ (Sep 3, 2002)

Hi Unmoulded and Sandi,I'll try not to be so long winded this time. But I am surprised that I got a response. I really thought long before I posted because I sure didn't want to hurt you Sandi, any more than you've been. And I know that written words can be so misunderstood without the body clues that go with it.Unmoulded, I really like your response but feel saddened about the family farm. I come from farmers and although I grew up on a very little land (5 acres) my dad taught us the fundamentals of agriculture and my husband and I now have a mini-hobby farm that we grow organic produce on. I really hate it when farms are sold for subdivisions, sometimes I break down in tears to see the tree lines cut down and the topsoil removed. But I understand that sometimes families have no choice.Sandi,I am glad that I was able to offer you some comfort, as little as it is. I understand your mother's position about keeping neutral but maybe you could try to beg off from christmas this year with your side of the family and see if you could just spend it once, at home, with your own family. Especially if you present it to her that you are taking her advice, backing down from confrontation, and that a break to settle things down on all sides is needed and that you no longer want to put her in the position of taking sides (that way she will feel that she "won" so to say). If you stress that you will not be offended if she decides to spend Christmas with your sister because you really want to have a "family" christmas - just your husbnd and kids - she may think that you are being sensible. As far as denying your children time with their cousins.....do you really think that this is a hardship on them? They have to know how hurt you are, and how much it takes out of you physically....and if you explain that it might be for just this one time...and who knows? they may like it this way better? Or maybe you can say you are starting a new family tradition...each year someone picks how to celebrate! Also, from your own personal experience, will your kids suffer from lack of friendship if they don't become best friends with their cousins? Maybe it is meant to be that they grow up as casual friends. I know that I have rarely seen my cousins and although it would be nice if we could have kept in touch, I am not lonely. Again, I think gene connections are over rated.I have found that a Holiday spent at home can be very relaxing, enjoyable and full of unexpected pleasant surprises. I am shocked at the things your sister accused you of and it is unacceptable to tell you that your husband should have left you long ago. Any thing like that is between you and him and NO ONE not even a MOM should ever think of saying something like that. I guess what I am trying to say: is don't be afraid of asserting your independence. You can do it very gently and with care and then people will see that you are coping with or without them and it will be up to them to conform their thinking and behavior to your needs for now because who knows? in the future it may be their turn to have you meet their physical needs. Settle the Christmas thing soon so you can start planning on having a wonderful private celebration!!!!!! No one wins when a confrontation just goes on and on. Someone has to break the cycle and I think that the one who withdraws first is showing maturity. When she attacks you, don't respond. In anyway. And don't let your mom know what she said. Soon she will stop. Because I have found that some people want to have the last word and have to top each other with meaness and who really wins with that? Some things really will go away when ignored. Again, this is just my opinion and I really don't mean that you have to do what I say.Laurie(I don't have a computer at home so I will be out of touch until Monday....so I am not ignoring you over the weekend...I am trying hard to get this posted before it is time to leave for the day).


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

I think that Lj made some good suggestions Sandi, and I would have to agree with her, especially on the ignoring your sister part, and not sharing anymore of the conflict with your Mom. I think this just hurts your Mom more. My mother is getting older now and she has told me that she doesn't want to hear any of the bad things that go on with the kids anymore because she can't deal with it (we had a bad teen period, but we are better now). I am slowly beginning to learn that I can't use her as a sounding board for any unpleasantries anymore and respect her wishes to live her last days out in peace.Lj, Don't worry about the farm being sold off for subdivisions. It is too far out in the boonies for that. I think a family bought it who would like to raise horses. It will be nice to see animals on that farm land again grazing in the fields.


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