# 10 years gone



## onyx (Jan 13, 2006)

I've been on this board for years. I've had devastating IBS-D since 2003. This is my ten-year anniversary with it.

I feel I'm just a statistic, or rather, I would be if anyone in medical research or government heath had ever cared enough to ask me.

Here on this board, I'm at least a voice, a tiny data point in a way - my story added to so many others in a chorus of misery, frustration, confusion, and helplessness.

We watch our lives pass by, feeling misunderstood, feeling so unsure of how to cope, of how to treat ourselves, of what doctors to see, of what to say to our friends, our families, our co-workers. Many of us can't maintain these relationships very well, if at all, and we lose connections with these people. We lose relationships, we lose jobs and careers, we lose ourselves. We lose hope.

In spite of all my fighting against it, all my attempts to overcome it, control it, manage it, cope with it - I have failed. I have tried so many things. Doctors, naturopaths, acupuncturists, hypnotists. Drugs, supplements, probiotics, homeopathy, diets. Books, articles, internet research, diagnostic tests.

Nothing. No help.

And I'm fading a little more each day. My will to fight, my will to care, my will to live, is fading. My energy is slipping away, my once healthy optimism has ebbed into a stubborn cynicism.

Have I given up? I have to confess, in my heart I fear I have, yes. However in my day-to-day life, not quite. I still go through the motions. I still try whatever anecdotal info on this board and elsewhere points to possible help. But nothing ever helps, it just drains my energy, my finances, and my near-empty well of motivation to keep trying.

I guess I'm just sending out this message, as a tendril of contact to say I'm still here world. I still matter. I still have some hope, however slim, that maybe someday I'll get something like my life back, or at least some life that I can cope with.

I sympathize for all my fellow sufferers here, and share the joy of those who've somehow managed to either get better or even just manage it all better. I guess all we can do, those who have such resistant chronic debilitating symptoms, is keep trying, but it sure is exhausting - physically, mentally, financially, and emotionally.


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## Freud (Mar 22, 2012)

For me it's eight years. All above has happened to me. What hurts me the most is that I've lost my joy of life. Right now I'm pretty much just blank and empty. I have struggled very hard too and have managed to get better though despite of my leap forward I am not anywhere near a functioning person. My energy has run out.

I'm very sad to hear that this has happened to you too. I wish for us to get happy one day - and healthy. But in my world happy and healthy is closely related. Mental and physical health is the most important thing for a nice, pleasant life. Sometimes I just want to give up but thats so utterly pointless, so I just keep going on my doctors appointments, one more disappointing than the other and hope for things to get better. Though I'm eight years in and that has yet failed to happen.


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## HumanistRuth (Sep 19, 2013)

Here's a hug, Prolific Member. We care. Don't give up.


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## Momontherun (Sep 26, 2013)

I'm sorry you feel this way. I have been suffering for about 6 years but I still have hope in my heart.

I hope you find some peace soon.


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## onyx (Jan 13, 2006)

Thanks for the replies of encouragement and support. It does help me feel not so alone - however I'm sorry others here are suffering like me. I wish someone could really help all of us. Freud, your description of feeling "blank and empty" is exactly how I feel now too. People say "You must be frustrated" and I reply "Frustrated? That was like 5 years ago - now I'm just burnt out and hollow and numb."

Over the years I've slowly receded from society and become largely homebound. I rarely socialize anymore. I used to valiantly try, but it just became too onerous and cumbersome and anxiety-filled. I try and keep my mind going by reading alot and doing crosswords etc., but it's so weird as I used to have such a full life - career, friendships, girlfriend, concerts, travel, etc.

I see lots of amateurish "information" posts on websites that imply how IBS is basicall a mild, treatable condition and it just makes me crazy. Trust me, if everyone running hospitals and medical research foundations and the government etc. had what we have for a month, we'd see an avalanche of research money coming in to figure this thing out.

In the meantime, time just keeps ticking on by. Starting my second decade with this, and it's taking it's toll. I hope you guys get some relief too, and I promise if I ever find something that works I'll share it with everyone here.


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## Maegwin (Nov 11, 2012)

Wow. This post hits home with me right now. I've had IBS since I was 10 years old which makes this year my 21st year with it. At first I had no idea what I had, and, due to the boundless energy of youth I was able to cope with the symptoms a lot better. As I got older, my old coping methods wore off and I started feeling more tired and irritable.

Two months ago I quit fighting with my body. I'd had enough. I have no problem fighting and working hard if there's a payoff but when I grind myself down to a nub and barely achieve what an average person does, it gets to be too much. I pulled away from social contact, I stopped all of my activities, and put my relationship on hold. Depression is running over me constantly in a matt truck. I feel empty and purposeless. I sit in my chair and try to do work and bring in money but when that's all there is to life I start questioning if it's worth living it any more. I can't spend the money on anything fun, I just buy the necessities and more of the food that tortures me.

I hate that the medical community still sees IBS as a "minor" condition that's treatable. I've had doctors tell me to cope and carry on with life. What life?! I can't do anything or go anywhere! Being around people is torturous because they're always eating!

On the plus side (I guess) my IBS has resulted in severe depression and strong inclinations towards self harm so I'm now finally getting the doctors attention on the mental side of things. I had tried applying for disability before due to my IBS causing me so many sick days that I lost jobs. But I was denied. Now, that I'm unemployed, on Welfare, barely able to eat, and 10 pounds under weight they're finally letting me apply for disability based off of my mental symptoms. Whatever works right?

That said, I only care about money so that my boyfriend and I can keep a roof over our heads. It doesn't mean anything else to me. I just keep on stuffing myself with unreliable medication and putter around the house.


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## rmiller1985 (Sep 13, 2011)

Hi onyx, and Maegwin, and others,

Someone posted a link to this on Facebook recently: http://www.buzzfeed.com/hnigatu/comics-that-capture-the-frustrations-of-depression?sub=2548031_1545186. Seemed appropriate for this thread.

I'm sorry you're having so much difficulty. I understand. Many here do. You're not alone. I know that doesn't "make it all better," but hopefully it helps, at least a little.

I've found some relief on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. It's not perfect yet, but I continue to believe that things are moving in the right direction. I hope you can all find something that helps you move in the right direction as well.

Cheers,

Rich


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