# guilt and frustration--also posted in general section



## SteveE (Jan 7, 1999)

My apologies if it is bad forum form to post in two parts of the IBS forum, but I wasn't sure where it would be best received or fit best. Some of what talk about below reminds me of some issues Dr. Bolen raises in her book...maybe I should reread it or contact her directly.I look around on this forum and I see others with more severe cases of IBS. I see others who have unsupportive bosses or just run out of sick days and have far more stressful jobs to begin with. I see people who are juggling the tasks of raising children with work and IBS. Others can't get decent health insurance. Some of you even have spouses and family members who seem unsupportive. Why can't I count my blessings that I have a supportive boss, plenty of sick days, no worries about raising children, and that my IBS is only occasionally as severe as it is today? Why am I so frustrated? Why doesn't it help to know that I have all of these things working in my favor?Granted, IBS challenges me daily, but the episodes that are so severe that I can't force myself to get some breakfast and a shower in time to get to work on time (if at all) usually only once or twice a month...although that figure has varied over the years. Also, I'm not 100% free of unsupportive individuals in my life--or at least those who don't understand. I sometimes get a look from coworkers that can be captioned "not that again." That amplifies my frustration a bit...because "not that again" is exactly what I'm feeling. I don't mean for my above statement to sound like children are a burden. I'm sure they are a blessing and at times even a source of strength for many of you. At the same time, I admire those of you who manage the challenge of raising them while struggling with IBS.Maybe that's just it. Maybe I feel guilt on top of frustration because I've taken the path of least resistance and I still feel like ####. Well, if defining your emotional problems is half the battle, what's the other half? I know I'm frustrated and I know why. I know I feel guilty and I know why. It's clear after 16 years of suffering and 10-12 years or so of reading this board that there's little hope the guilt and frustration can be taken away by curing my IBS. So what must I do about the guilt and frustration?The two are really a vicious catch-22/chicken-and-the egg cycle aren't they? When the symptoms first struck hard yesterday afternoon at work, I felt frustrated by my "not that again" thoughts. If I feel guilty because I'm not feeling healthy enough to do my job adequately, I feel more frustrated. When I get more frustrated, I feel even more guilty that I can't just be happy that I have all these advantages for dealing with IBS.I'm not sure whether or not I have an "advantage" in one area, though. While I'm not so fearful of when IBS will strike next that I don't go anywhere or do anything. I take vacations by plane, I hike out into the woods for hours and hours, etc. BUT, when the symptoms are flaring as they do today, I'm not quite sure how long to nurture myself. The whole day? A few hours? When do I test myself? That's another source of frustration and guilt. Like this morning, the IBS hit me hard and fast upon waking. Two hours later after pampering myself with a heating pad, I felt pretty good. Then I started to think "Gee, maybe you should get your butt in the shower and try to go to work even if it is a little late?" So I started to walk about the house. My symptoms didn't get dramatically worse when I got out of the chair, but I did feel some tummy tightness, tummy noises, and I felt really, really tired. So then I wondered whether or not it was even IBS. Maybe I've got a tummy flu thing and I need to rest? Then I'm back to frustration because I can't decide how much rest and care I need!


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Hi Steve,A lot of what you mention here is just the pure IBS condition - as you well know - especially the guilt - I mention that too - a two-way guilt - for not being able to "man-up" and work while in pain, and the other part about feeling bad about having a "functional" disorder, when others have cancer, etc. That is all a part of having this syndrome - it isn't life threatening, so we feel guilty to complain about it in the first place, yet the pain and symptoms feel just as bad as people going through more "serious" stuff - in fact my gastro told me he could treat colon cancer pain better than IBS pain. He also said that having an IBS attack (the long hours of D) is the equivalent of doing 1000 sit-ups in a row in view of the muscles aching - and thus you do feel wiped out and tired after an attack.I know we spoke years ago, and if I recall right, you tried the hypno program and that didnt give you what you needed at the time. Do you think you might want to give it a go again? I only say this because of some of what you write here - the expectations of yourself and of others, a lot of it can be thought out cognitively - via Dr. Bolen's method of CBT - and a lot of what you mention is a part of that brain-gut connection, which the hypno addresses. If ya wanna talk - give a call to 877-898-2539 - since you already have the program, you certainly are entitled to some support!!! And a bit of TLC in the journey anyway... otherwise, perhaps go to Dr. Bolen's site and contact her if you feel the CBT route is better for you. But do know, that the struggle you have mentally in regard to your physical symptoms is certainly justified and a lot of it is the male perception of illness in the workplace - my son was talking to me about this the other day- all manner of names are given to the man who can't work while he is ill - though that is a societal thing and that in itself just creates more of the stress and pressure which contributes to more IBS!!!! By breaking that brain-gut connection - and the IBS Audio Program does this - you develop a more cavalier attitude toward your symptoms and towards how others perceive you... You know in your own "heart" or mind that you are not goldbricking, you are on the pot in pain, and thus cannot work - so this should not be a source of guilt on a legitimate level - you know this - but it is your allowing society (others, your boss or co-workers) to take on their "disgust" or unsympathetic feeling towards your illness that contributes to it further.I know this totally - but luckily, women are a bit more understanding - not always - but in general - tho I too know at times some have gotten frustrated with me - some thinking I bring it on myself, I ate wrong, I let things get to me, I dont have control over myself, etc. on and on... listen to the IBS Companion - it just brings all that frustration out.your frustration is understandable - we all want to be responsible, and do our jobs, be seen as strong, capable, etc. But think of this - those who are not so understanding do not do what you do, and don't have what you have. And yet you still show up. So in essence, you do more, because you do show up and obsess when you cant be there - if you really were as they seem to think you are, you would not have even typed up this entry!!!Well, feel free to call me if you wish, or not. I can only offer what I know and what I have learned - there are so many dynamics to IBS - some folks have pure IBS, but many others have things going on in their lives - either other health issues, or stress issues, or even mental or emotional health issues that it clouds what can or cannot help them. Some define themselves by IBS and sadly, though treatment is wanted, many put up barriers to getting it on some levels - and all manner of combination - there are very few of us 'oldie' members here - and for those that are here, we serve in moderator status now. The fact that you have returned shows you are reaching out again - you have been away a long time - because the IBS is so frustrating to you, the doctors haven't helped ti the degree needed, and you are among many... lifetime chronic conditions are hard to endure. But, the reason I am still here, is because I speak with many people all over the US and Canada, who have been helped by the hypno program, and they have moved on with their lives. They also have found that the docs, while trying their best and do care, of course, are frustrated too, and just can't have all the answers. I have spoken with several who were suicidal over IBS and now have gone on to feel better - I am not saying that this is the way forward for you (since you tried before - it still could help, but maybe just not for you) but because that is my experience base, that is how I can help - but at any rate, know that my thoughts are with you...Take care, Steve! Say, still playing the saxophone?







I think my son still has those two Martins and a Yamaha, but he rarely plays now... Bye!


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## SteveE (Jan 7, 1999)

Thanks again, Marilyn. Women certainly are not the more understanding ones in my realm. But that's something I might save for a phone call or a talk with Dr. Bolen. I don't really think it has to do with gender anyway in my situation.It's my understanding of myself that brought me here again. Though I am far from suicidal as some of the others you've helped were, I can understand their despair if they have little else going in their favor or have a worse case of IBS than I do. My coworkers perceptions aside, what I think really brought me back here is just being tired of being so freaking fragile. Up until about 18 months or so ago, my job was easy enough that my fragility didn't matter too much for several reasons. We had more staff to cover appointments if I was out and the work wasn't quite as complex or fast-paced are two of the key reasons. I knew I'd have to step up and do more. So I did. I took charge of a number of things while retaining my original duties. Early on, this meant some late days at work, but I knew as I became more efficient, there would be fewer of those--and I was right. Those didn't bother me too much except for interrupting what little exercise regime I had to begin with. So the fragility still wasn't a big factor here.My complaint about fragility comes in with occasionally rushed lunches and/or late lunches. They can't be helped when they happen, and they seem to cause me at least a little aggravation each time they do. My fragility also relates to the sax. I get so wiped-out from the fast-pace that is now so common that it's tough to play in the evenings, and when I do, it sometimes seems like it is too soon after dinner (more gut fragility). I also went a wedding last weekend and had a great time. I didn't fear the experience of the wedding itself as many with IBS would, but I did have concerns about what would be served because of my fragile gut. Sadly, it was one of the worst possible meal situations and it did have an impact on my tummy the following day. I will keep going to weddings. I will keep working my tail off. And I have too nice of a saxophone and have come too far to ditch that hobby. I'm even going to fly to Glacier National Park and hike without any clue what kind of food I'll be able to eat on that trip, because I have to do these to get any fulfillment out of life whatsoever. And I know that each of those things have the potential to raise my frustration with IBS, but I will keep hoping they don't.I will not fool myself into believing that hope alone will prevent the frustration, though. I need something more than that. I just don't know what.


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Well, yes I must say your situation is better than most - even my own - as I am partially crippled and would love to hike and run and dance, but sadly, can no longer do these with any ease or without pain. So I have a high frustration level and no real hope there, even with the surgeries on my foot that failed, and needing them on both feet - and I have often said I would actually trade having IBS instead of my feet pain - and I had very severe incapacitating IBS - like hours on end before I did the hypno - but it was not 24/7 - like my other health ailments are. So, you have frustration. And you have that as a result of symptoms. CBT has you think about it and then think about an alternative way of thinking about that frustration, and in turn, your symptoms may abate. Hypno has you NOT think about your symptoms and the accompanying frustration, and works on the mind-gut condition on an autonomic level. Thinking only about how frustrated you are, without an alternative, actually reinforces that fact. Anything you ideate over long periods of time helps to ingrate that condition. You can "make up your mind" that you will press on and try not to be frustrated on an active - cognitive level - or you can resign yourself to it (not an option for you since you are looking for hope and help) or you can work on it subconsciously via the hypnotherapy and give that another try.Hope alone will not prevent frustration, however, replacing the frustrating thoughts with positive ones may help to gradually minimize them, and therefore give you hope. Success breeds more success, and you know the alternate. You are very educated, solve problems for others all day long, and the answer probably lies within you. I know people who want to kill themselves right now - over lots of things - some with IBS, some with disorders, etc. They have no hope - is that perceived, or is it real? Some of them "know" they have reason to live, but have emotional disorders that prevent them from feeling that hope; some have situational problems (like IBS or other) that when reduced or eliminated, will then open the door to hope of living a better life...It is all relative - for you - you are comparing yourself to how life is for you now, vs how it was for you before IBS. But you did have life before IBS, and I feel that if you can break that brain-gut thing, you may be able to address the frustration. I know how you feel, and some days you just want to scream because you want to be in control - you dont want things happening to you, and it is hard. I also know from experience and others I know in the education system, that sadly, some women can be less than understanding, but I thought that was more women against women - in some of these settings. Most of the ones who act this way are insecure, so just dismiss any of that in the workplace - well you know that already, In fact you know everything I am writing here already, dont ya? LOLSo, I would just say, you can call if ya wanna chat, you can go the CBT route, either formally with therapy, or on your own by replacing thoughts on a conscious level or you can do the hypno again. But I would say to you that perhaps you may want to rethink it - you already are acknowledging that you will have future frustration - so that thought in itself reinforces it to be true. But in reality, you know that you have had frustration in the past, so you are creating the future based on the past, so that reinforces the cycle.You could try (even if you dont intellectually believe it) to say to yourself that your frustration level is decreasing each day, no matter what, and your symptoms are decreasing each day - and try this for at least 21 days - even if your "reality" is different. You already know this stuff, Steve, I guess I am just sort of writing what you know to give you some re-enforcement and encouragement...I surely do wish you welll - you are a nice fella and do good things for your students and family, so you should take comfort in all the wonderful positive things you do even in the face of symptoms and frustration - and that is a great start!!Blessings to ya! Take care...


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