# Married?



## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

I was sitting here thinking about my marriage and wondered if I was the only one. I love my husband and I believe he loves me, but I feel there must be more. We have been together for over 20 yrs and maybe that is why I feel the way I do. Obviously with IBS our life has changed, but if I were to look back our life was going through changes from the day we met, some good some not so good. Does anyone else wonder if there is more? Have you ever thought of moving on but just couldnt because of the kids, health or fear? How do you get rid of these feelings of inadequacy?


----------



## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

Yes, I have had similar wonderings. I wonder if we all think this sometimes, or if it is something we should take notice of.


----------



## Guest (Apr 27, 2004)

Yes, yes and YES ! And in my pursuit of "something more or better", I almost destroyed our marriage. After what I've gone through, I now believe that we go through different stages of marriage and life, and that we somehow need to find a way to roll with whatever happens. Hormones play a huge role, as do other chemical balances or imbalances. I also think our American culture keeps trying to make us believe that we should want more than perhaps we really need?In my case, I found out that those feelings of inadequacy and restlessness over thinking I had missed the boat and wanting something more... were actually born out of a chemical imbalance. Since I've been on the appropriate corrective medication, I don't have the same thoughts. I also am not just viewing the relationship in terms of I, me & mine. Instead, I am now inclined to make the most of what WE have.The above may not be true for everyone, but whatever is fueling the reasons for wanting to move on, if it were me, I would now weigh it very heavily before doing anything rash.I think you're also talking about feeling as if you have no choices due to health challenges. That may or may not be entirely true, but I can also identify with that... not just from a relationship perspective, but from a career perspective. Again, I am doing the best I can with what I already have. And sometimes I recite the Serenity Prayer just for added assurance.....


----------



## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

Thank you Luna and EssenceTries these feelings seem to creep up on alot of us I have learned. I am sure my health issues have brought some of it on as well. At times I have wondered if it isnt really the same as a male mid life crisis, or some also believe the empty nest syndrome. I myself have no idea where these feelings come from and I constantly ask myself what I can do to overcome them. I am sure if I felt my husband or myself did not love one another that the outcome would be different. I still wonder how people overcome these feelings though.


----------



## MEYoung (Apr 26, 2004)

Yes, once or twice I've wondered if I did the right thing by marrying young, married the right one, etc. But then I think about the commitment I made to my husband and realize, this is where I belong. I love my husband and I'm happy here most of the time. The times that I'm unhappy are situations I'd have with anyone. To think that if I started over with someone else, it would be any different, I know I'm just kidding myself. As I'm sure you know, being married 20-plus years, marriage is HARD work! I never really believed that until I was married. I don't know how many times I thought about divorce in my first few years of marriage, but I know that's not the answer. I just don't think before I got married, there was any way I could visualize how hard marriage really is. But I think going through the day to day ups and downs is what cements your marriage and makes it stronger. My DH and I have been through a lot of bad things in our first few years of marriage, but that is all stuff that we have been through "together", you know what I mean? Hope that didn't sound too "preachy" - just talking about my personal experience. Hard to say where I'll be in another 20 years.


----------



## Canadian_Mickey (Apr 12, 2004)

Yes, and I've only been married since last August! I feel bad about putting my hubby through this. He doesn't understand anything about it, and it frustrates him no end, as well as myself! I've always wondered what I would be doing if I wasn't married or had IBS. MY IBS has debilitated me so much. I can't do half the stuff I used to, and look so different.


----------



## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

I'm sure these thoughts are normal. Everybody wonders i'm sure. I've wondered, my husband has wondered too. You know, you could just have a boyfriend on the side, how about getting a muscular pool boy


----------



## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

jo jo the pool boy sounds good but I dont have a pool...think anyone would be suspicious. LOL


----------



## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)

Yes I have had those feelings. But then my hub refused to let me go. and we have been working on our marriage since then. It includes little things like talking to each other instead of heading for the TV. Oh we still head for the TV sometimes when my hub comes home and it is sometimes a real efort to concentrate on each other but I know my hub loves me ands is committed to me and I try to remember that. There have been a lot of trials in our marriage including my mental illness and I try to remember that my hub never abandoned me in those times and so the commitment keeps us going even though we don't have those highs anymore.


----------



## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

Bonnie I realize as time goes on a marriage changes, people change. I feel my husband loves me too and I know I love him, but.......It is the but that is the problem.


----------



## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)

i know part of the but was captured by some lyrics i heard today'i can be anything for youBut i can't be new'


----------



## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

Actually I am not looking for new, I am looking for the old. The man I married.


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Past, We'll be married 20 years this year. The man I married simply isn't anymore. The gal he married simply isn't here anymore either.We both have changed. Physically, sure we have changed. Not dramatically but there are wrinkles where there didn't used to be. My hair changed almost immediately after we were married. ( I have the distinct memory of plucking out gray hairs in the hotel bathroom on the honeymoon! LOL Of course I blame him to this day. LOL







)Our bodies for sure have changed, not only in appearance but in functionality. LOL (Dem bodies ain't what they used to be.)The love itself has grown and changed. We've been through loads together. For an example, one can't become a parent and remain the same without changing, well imo anyway. That experience has changed both of us. Illness has changed us both too. The challenges that we have faced, the trials, the joys we have been blessed with, all have changed us both. But... he's my best friend, still. And there is still no one else I would rather go through all of that with.Our kids were kinda late in coming and maybe that has helped us because we spent 7 years of marriage without any. Kind of a dry run for when our nest *is* empty. We learned about each other's interests... and yeah, I picked up some of his and he picked up some of mine. We enjoy each other's company. Not 24/7 tho. We learned to give each other space and room to pursue other interests apart from each other. But the goal hasn't changed. I vowed to walk this journey of life with him as he did with me. Wherever that journey takes us, we have promised to walk it together. And I wouldn't want it any other way.My husband is not responsible for my happiness nor am I responsible for his. My happiness is my job and his happiness is his job. However, we have found it isn't really happiness that is the goal..... as it turned out... contentment is more the goal. Expectations, we learned early on, are something that can get us into trouble in a hurry. In other words if I have a need let's say and I "expect" him to know it without me telling him.... uh.... that isn't healthy. He can't read my mind. Therefore I must express that need, that is my responsibility. And of course I must accept the fact that sometimes... he just simply can't fulfill that need. Does that make him any less in my eyes? No. When this has happened in the past, he helps me find a way to fulfill it with someone else or in some other way. So we really try to communicate well, verbally as well as non verbally. We make a serious attempt to "stay on the same page" with eachother on a daily basis. We keep eachother apprised of the things we have learned about ourselves as well as other things. We have found if we don't do that... misunderstandings can happen in a New York minute.I have no idea what our future will bring. All I know, is that we will face it together. The lil things that used to drive me nuts about him... don't that much anymore. (And he would tell you the same about my lil things, of which I am sure there are plenty..







) We have learned to overlook the little stuff, because life is too full of BIG stuff and waaay too short.We love to start this sentence and gab for hours.. "When the kids are out on their own, we can.....". And looking forward to the future is just delicious to us. We have no grand plans, trust me. They are very simple things really. But we so look forward to our future of just being "us", knowing all the time that we are constantly growing and changing and hopefully always will be.I DO NOT want the man I married 20 years ago. I like the 2004 model just fine thanks.







And I can guarantee you he prefers this year's model of me. LOL (So do I....







).I look back on what we promised each other, not necessarily who we were then.Talk to him Past......... tell him you're struggling with this. Maybe he can help, because I bet by now, he's an expert on you and what makes you click. But keep in mind, you do the clicking of you. He has to click for himself too. But his observations may be invaluable. I know I very frequently look to my husband to get an objective view of me and for feedback. And he asks me too. We just help each other. And I bet he can help you too.







BQ


----------



## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

BQ, did you and hubby arrive at those insights on your own, or did you have to go through counseling or something to realize that? It sounds like you have a great relationship







I think a lot of times hubby and I need to work on being married, respecting each other, etc. I think I've got the more enlightened view on all of it and he is the one that needs to be a little more understanding, but I'm sure he has some beefs with me that I don't realize or underplay. But I really truly think he has more work to do than I do, and mutual friends have also noticed some of his troublesome behavior.The one thing I know for sure is that if he can't share taking care of the pets and other responsibilities, we will never have kids! And I want them someday, so ideally we will become more partners than roomies. I want this to be a good, healthy relationship and am willing to work to improve it. He says he wants it to be better and he obviously is not happy with the way some things are now, but is not willing to take any of my suggestions to improve them. I think a third party may be the only way to get through to him, but he won't talk to one. <sigh>


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Nope Luna, no marital counselling. Just time, age (lol), I guess, a desire to live with each other contentedly and the desire to fulfill our vows to each other.We found the first two years to be the hardest as far as the marriage itself. It can take that long and longer to work out all the division of labor issue etc.Compromise is the key to success for us too. We also found that it takes work, real work, from _both_ of us everyday. I agree Luna, respect is paramount. The Golden rule is something we all learned early in life, but boy is it absolutely necessary in marriage. So are the common courtesies. I still thank him everyday for taking out the garbage and he still thanks me everyday when plunk dinner down in front of him. Yup, even after 20 years. (Sometimes it *is* the little stuff)But our bottom line has always been, we will be married, no matter what, til we die. That is the vow we made and our foundation. Being married is a choice we both make everyday when our feet hit the floor in the morning. And it does take making that choice everyday for us.BQ


----------



## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

BQ our marriage was like yours. We still have reasonably good one I guess in eyes of what others have. I suppose one of the reasons I feel this way is because of my health. Another reason, which in a way is health oriented as well, is not having a social life, hubby works full time and his company is just like a little family, I miss outside social activities and there really isnt anything I can do about that. I believe a big foundation of marriage is respect, I think we both have that. As I said before I beleive we both love each other as well. I guess what I am missing is maybe more the old me than it is him. We talk and talk all the time, and I am one to let him know how I am feeling. In the long run I guess it is me that needs to change or at least learn how I am feeling.


----------



## BBDM (Oct 17, 2003)

IMO, marriages change over time, as do the people in them. Sometimes it's a good thing, sometimes not. I guess the determining factor for me to say that I'm in a good marriage is "Is he my best friend?". My ex was not, we had nothing in common at all. I had to make him leave as he was bad for me and for our kids, only ever thought of himself. I just couldn't live in the same house as him anymore it wasn't a good environment for anyone. I lost everything in that marriage including my self esteem which he battered daily. It was hard to live with someone who constantly told me I'd never find anyone else because I was a total loser. I took many antidepressants and went to counsellors and shrinks, but I don't need to anymore. I've only been married for 10 weeks now, so it's hard to say where it will go. The only thing I do know is that we're the best of friends, love so many of the same things and truly have the same goals in life. We don't believe in gender defined roles in the home, things just get done by whomever does it first. My health is very important to him and I have his full support, although I do sometimes still feel like I'm a loser for having IBS. I would have to say it's as good as it gets right now, I feel lucky and thankful to have him.


----------



## dysilap (Feb 14, 2004)

Pastime, I can really relate to what u r saying, though the sugestions from everyone is great, I have been married for 23 yrs, and i wish i could have my Old husband back. Things have changed sooo much, he is diabetic on meds, and has sleep apneah and we have had separate rooms for over 20 yrs now, do not ever go that route, it is hard to turn back, we have separate lifes, still care about each other, but do not communicate good and are like roomates. I miss the good old days. Thanks for listening, Laura


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Awww Past I am wellin up for ya here.







Do you think it is the IBS that is zapping your social life???((((((Past))))))  BQ


----------

