# Beyond embarrassment



## 16998 (Aug 8, 2006)

After a dinner celebration I was travelling with my boyfriends parents and his brother on our way home, then the unthinkable happened-- I had an accident right there in their van.... the devastation on ones dignety is totally beyond words. His family is very understanding.. yet how can I face them again?Does anyone have any similiar things happen and if so.. how did u handle it afterwards..?


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## Guest (Aug 9, 2006)

I have had several similar experiences while on dates and out in public. I dont believe there could be any worse humiliation. Now, if I know I will be far from a toilet for any great length of time, I wear Depends. They are uncomfortable, but better than public exposure.


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## 21437 (Aug 7, 2006)

Wow, that is humiliating. All you can do is explain your situation and hope they are understanding about it. You said that they were so that's great. Try to make light out of it if you can the next time you go out to eat with them. I know it's not funny but people will be more comfortable around you if they see you have a sense of humor about yourself. It's much better than hanging your in shame. But be firm with them on the things you can eat and if you want to eat so they know not to push you about it.


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## Guest (Aug 9, 2006)

This weekend I was out with my 15 yr old granddaughter that is easily embarrased. Luckily we were on a country road when I "had the urge". I quickly pulled off to the side of the road and did my business behind a bush. Granddaughter hid her face. I just got back in the car and made a joke of the whole thing. Inside, I wanted to cry. But, that would have made the whole thing even worse. BTW - not the first time I've had to use a bush.


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## 16998 (Aug 8, 2006)

Thank-you for your replys. I have had IBS-D for over twenty years. I find what generally works pretty well is an antidepressant that helps treat anxiety. But sometimes, after a few years on it, I start to slip on taking the daily dosage.. and the price is generally an accident. When will I learn?


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## 21857 (Aug 15, 2006)

hey! Gosh it feels good to know I am not the only one that has been through these things! A few weeks ago I went to a late session of a movie with my boyfriend and 3 of his friends, I missed he last 15 minutes of the movie cos I just couldnt hold it any more, then when it was time to go, i was so worried about how I would feel, we got in the car and 30 seconds later I thought i was going to #### myself in the car and jumped out and cos it was 1am in the morning the shopping centre was closed but i bashed on the door until a cleaner opened it and I ran through the centre almost busting, I finally found a toilet and had to sit there for at least 20 mins, the walk back to the car really was the walk of shame.... we all laughed it off but I was so embarassed! Believe it or not this is only one of many stories like this i have!! ha ha, you just got to laugh about it! Im just lucky I have a really great group of friends and family we just make light of it and its not so bad!!


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## Guest (Aug 16, 2006)

I cant tell you how many times I have had to pull over to the side of the road and go behind a bush. Sometimes I'm alone and a few times with friends. It is humilating!! Have you noticed that as soon as you get the urge, you start to panic and that makes it even worse? I could tell you horrible tales myself. Like one time I was wearing a panty girdle and panty hose under a dress out on a date. Any idea how horrible it is to "lose it" in a girdle and panty hose. YIKES. At those times, I start shaking and want to cry. I cant see the humor in it until days or weeks later.


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## 19920 (Jan 13, 2006)

ZoeSounds like you are keeping a great attitude. Older males, and others, who have to skip important business meetings daily are going to have a harder time explaining themselves I think. I know. In my case I have significant arthritis too so I try to blame it on that as often as possible.


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## Sandeera (Apr 21, 2006)

Oh I have had more accidents than I even want to talk about. I tell everybody that my husband has cleaned up more **** than any one man should. And he does. If I have an accident I'll go home and jump in the shower with my clothes on and as I am pulling them off he is in there getting them and taking them to the washer. God love him. Anyways, I usually tell everyone that I'm going to be with about my IBS and explain the way I feel and let them know that if I say I have to go I HAVE TO GO. I do wear the poise underwear when I'm out shopping because I hate to shop it's a major stress point in my life. I even tell my childrens friends that I have stomach problems and have to go to the bathroom alot. That way if they are out with us some where they know I'm serious when I say lets go.


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## 21419 (Aug 16, 2006)

I haven't been to this site in a few years because I was doing better, and lately I've been worse than ever- I'm wondering if IBS is seasonal. I went on a family vac. this past weekend and we went for a trolley tour. The minute the trolley started heading out I felt the urge. What could I do?? Panic attack!!! This tour involved a show and we kept stopping and doing things and each time the trolley stopped I thought I would literally lose it. I was shaking and sweating and thought it might start shooting out both ends. I'm so happy to read all your stories, it puts me at ease. I carry a camping toilet in my minivan which I have used many times, but it also puts my mind at ease because I know at any time I can pull over and hop on right in my van.


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## Guest (Aug 17, 2006)

I can relate to how you felt on a trolley. I have found that if I am the driver and know I can pull over at any time I do better in a car. But, as soon as someone else drives, I am out of control and immediately need a toilet. I guess this does prove that much of IBS is in our heads.


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2006)

> Originally posted by Sandeera:Oh I have had more accidents than I even want to talk about. I tell everybody that my husband has cleaned up more **** than any one man should. You are very lucky to have a husband and one that understands. Since my accident out on a date - I am now afraid to date at all. How do you tell a new boyfriend about the IBS problem?


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## 21419 (Aug 16, 2006)

Dates...On my mother and father's first date my father had to pull over and cop a squat on someone's front lawn. Talk about embarassment- but come to find out my mother had the same problem. I have found that coming right out and telling people is best, it puts my mind at ease. I ALWAYS tell a person that is riding with me about my problem before we leave. I just say I wanted to let you know that I have IBS and it can cause me to have D at any time. I have a toilet in the back and I might have to pull over and use it at any time. I have never had anyone who appeared grossed out- in fact more that half the people have told me stories about someone in their family with the same problem.


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## 19278 (Aug 20, 2006)

I have gottne to the point where i don't eat unless the person i am with is aware of my problem. Last week, my boss and i went out all day together to monitor some sights and we were starving, so got sometihng to eat, we were checking out fastfood joints...so!! Well, i thought i had someting harmless, but NO, i had to RUN. Guess what, so did he...i got out before he did! It made us laugh pretty hard.


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2006)

I am finding out that more people have IBS then we know about. It isnt exactly the type of thing we all want to discuss at a cocktail party! But, it does make us wonder - why? Could it be too much stress in our lives or maybe all the artificial coloring and additives in food? I know I do get very angry when I hear some of the standup comediennes now making jokes about IBS. Not funny!


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## 16001 (Aug 15, 2006)

Oh have had my fair share of stories, but I do find that almost everyone is very understanding. When I had my first incident infront of my husband when we were dating. I thought for sure he would think I was the grossest girl ever. But he just didn't care so much. He completely understands now and can tell by my demeaner if my ibs is bothering me.


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## kitkat17 Lady of the Loo (Jul 21, 2005)

I have had my share too. More than I care to talk about. Had one at Disney one time.I just don't go to many places anymore, NOT worth the stress and anxiety of where is the bathroom?????? I feel I have cheated my kids out of allot but I cannot go through that again. I have had enough embarrasement to last a life time. I do have a bucket in the back of my van now. Just knowing it is there sure helps. Coarse I don;t go anywhere else in anyoneelses car and don;t like people riding with me either. I want to go with just my H and my kids.Horible the way we have to live.Take careKat


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## 20663 (Jul 8, 2005)

ive only had ibs-d for about four years now, but i can relate to your accident stories. I've had more than i can count. im still in high school which makes me face having to go out a lot more than i'd probably prefer, but dealing with ibs in school has taught me a few ways to manage when i feel the urge in a public place or have an accident. I always make sure that I have an extra pair of underwear in my bag,along with some baby wipes and a pad. it sounds wierd but the pad works really well for me, in that most of the time, my accidents are on the way to the bathroom or only a small amount was uncontrollable. This happend by coincidence onetime in class. I hadmy period, so i had apad on anyway, but was feeling more sickthan usual. So, asyou can guess, i didn't quite makeit to the bathroom in time, but when i went to cleanup, all i ended up having to do clothes wise was take the pad off. one of you mentioned using depends,and i can't say which works better because its an individual thing, but when i know im feeling sick or im going out on a trip and there's a chance i could have an accident, wearing a pad works as discrete insurance policyfor me, so that i increase my chancesof a quicker easier cleanup.hope that helps...


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## 17574 (Jun 29, 2006)

debrah, I know how you feel. This has also happened to me. I have been eating a banana every day, and the calcium seems to help. I was feeling more confident about going out and eating for a while there, but on one occasion a week or so ageo we went out to eat, and I felt the urge. By the time I got to the restroom, there it was! I didn't quite make it in time. I was soooo upset I wanted to cry. My husband and my son were with me, and we couldn't leave the place for at least 45 minutes. I get so sick of living like this that I am afraid to put anything in my mouth. Laterly, whenever I eat hamburger I have a problem. I was never like that before. It happens that way sometimes, at least with me. I will be ok eating a particular food or drink, then all of a sudden, BAM I can't eat it anymore. People think I'm crazy, and that it is all due to anxiety, I know that a lot of the problem is anxiety, but plenty is what you eat also. Des


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## overitnow (Nov 25, 2001)

Maybe the worst, and certainly funniest, thing that happened to me was walking my dog on a fairly unused trail here in Victoria. Overcome with urgency I headed for the first patch of moss I saw. A horrible and unmistakable stench surrounded me. As I was attempting to clean myself, cover it up, get my pants up, and keep the dog out of it, along came a group of elderly birdwatchers.I just looked straight ahead and got out of there.Mark


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## 21021 (Aug 23, 2006)

Hi Debra,Your not alone. Recently I was travelling with my husband to pick up someone from the airport, about half way (2 hour trip) I had a panic attack and then Oh my God!! I couldn't believe that my worst nightmare had become a reality. I had an attack of the "D" My husband had to help me find a store where I could buy a complete new set of clothes. I had to call a friend to come and get me whilst my husband carried on to the airport. It was the most humilliating experience of my life. Anyway, now when I go out I take one immodium and carry a bag with a complete change of clothes etc. Almost like carrying a diaper bag. I found out that it was a very irritated bowel caused my a miscarriage and hopefully unlikely to happen again. But I won't take any chances now and keep my "supplies" in the car just in case. It really wasn't funny at the time but I have to learn to laugh about it now or I'd cry!


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## 22163 (Aug 26, 2006)

I was looking to buy a house and had several viewings that morning. Just before we went in one of them I had the urge, and sent my husband in the house by himself, I stayed in the car, pulled my pants down and had to go on one of my daughter's diapers! The worst part was that the real estate agent saw me! I'm not sure quite how much he saw but I wanted to DIE! Needless to say, we didn't buy the house.


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## 22157 (May 4, 2006)

I have only one one accident in the past 5 years or so that wasnt at home, it was about 2 years ago when me and my boyfriend were still pretty new with eachother, and we were helping a friend of his move. On the way back to the new apartment we got some Wendys (bad idea), because at that point I knew I had stomach problems, but I had always been able to hold it no matter what and had confidence in that. But when we got to his house I had to ask him for the key and run up while they were unloading a couch, so at least I had a few minutes in there by myself! But I hadnt made it to the bathroom in time, and my underwear was all soiled and the back of my jeans, thank god I had on a long sweatshirt. And to make things worse I clogged up his toilet, and he didnt have any trash can where I could put the dirty pad I had on and the t.p. I used to clean up with, so I ended up washing out my underwear in the sink, and carrying it home in my purse. It was so embarrasing! I had to walk out of the bathroom with them both looking at me and ask if he had a plunger, which he didnt! Still to this day I havent told my boyfriend completely what happened, he knew what I was doing in there obviously, but I dont think he knew I had an accident. Ever since then I compltely lost confidence in the fact that I could always hold it till I got to a bathroom, and it has really messed with my mind and made me want to stay home all the time. Now theres no way I would be stupid enough to get fast food while out with anyone but my bf, and for months after that episode I would hardly go out at all, and wouldnt eat for hours before. I am doing better now, I have a lot more control and understanding of my body and what it can take. Still, times like that can mess with your head, and it takes time to get over them. Thankfully I have a supportive boyfriend who is able to laugh things off like that with me!


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2006)

Yes, "accidents" can surely mess with your head. I think once this type of accident happens to us - its hard to ignore the urge when we get it. The stress factor kicks in which releases more acids into our intestines. I have found that wearing Depends when I know I will be far from a toilet helps alot with the stress factor. I'm not yet ready to stay home for the rest of my life. I keep fighting this thing. And I have had several really bad accidents out in public. One not too long ago in Blockbuster's video bathroom. I only pity the poor person that had to use the rest room after me. I tried to clean up as best I could - but, I couldnt stay in there forever!! Interesting tho, how the mind works. Even if I have no "desire" to use a toilet, now, as soon as I'm in Blockbuster's for 5 minutes - I gotta go.


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## 14448 (Jun 14, 2006)

Rowan, your toilet story just reminded me of a very embarassing incident that happened a few years ago...I had a new boyfriend who didn't speak much English, and the first time I stayed at his flat I had an Ibs-attack. I put lots of loo paper into the toilet to minimise the sound, used lots more to clean up, and- surprise surprise- when i flushed it, it blocked and water went all over the floor. Half an hour later I was still in there and he asked me what was wrong, so I had to tell him I'd broken the loo. He said, don't worry, its blocked before. I'd hidden the mess with paper, so he didn't see it and he PUT HIS HAND DOWN THE LOO to unblock it! I tried to tell him I'd had d, but he didn't understand until he withdrew his arm and it was covered from hand to elbow!I was so embarassed, I go hot now just thinking about it.


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## 22157 (May 4, 2006)

Oh God! Our stories do sound very similar, at least we are able to talk about them with people that wont just be disgusted, and its nice for someone to understand first hand what has happened to you so you dont feel so alone.


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## 21686 (Aug 31, 2006)

I'm new - hi!







These stories are really hitting home. I have had accidents twice now, I'm 43 and have been suffering all my life with IBS and D, now, looking back on it, but was only diagnosed a few years ago. It has impacted my life - my work, my exercise, my confidence, my leisure activities and my intimacy. My first accident, I was wearing leather pants, yes, leather, and couldn't get them down in time. Ended up having to tear out the lining in the bathroom, the outside wiped clean. The second time was just a couple of weeks ago, alone in an elevator, thinking I could get away with just passing gas. Wrong - a clump of mucus and stool loaded my underwear, and me, in a white skirt on top of it. People who don't have this disorder have no way of relating to the extent of the damage it does. I'm so glad to know I'm not alone.


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## Guest (Sep 1, 2006)

If you have had IBS for most of your life, you are lucky to have had only two accidents out in public. I know "lucky" doesnt sound right when talking about IBS - but, over the years, I have had more like 10 or 15 incidents out in public. I know I should just stay home - but, I keep trying to fight this thing. My doctor just gave me some Xanax to see if this will help with my IBS anxiety.


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## 21686 (Aug 31, 2006)

I guess I have been lucky, or I just seem to make it to a bathroom in time. But as I'm getting older, it's getting worse. I have *very*strong sphincter muscles, maybe! Or, the regulatory system down there knows when to hold, knows when to fold up! (oh, sorry, that's Kenny Rogers, not IBS!)


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## pmc (Aug 1, 2006)

I, too, have had many accidents in public - even at work. I avoided one in public today, but couldn't even make it from the living room to the bathroom in the motorhome after we got back. I'm thankful it didn't happen on the boat, but it is almost as humiliating at home. I ate only a small amount of Cheerios for breakfast, took Imodium, Xanax, and Lotronex, and it still happened. I have been fighting this since 2000, and between the IBS and diabetes I am getting worn down. Right now I'm stuck here after sending my husband out to see if he could see the northern lights - something I really want to see before we leave for home - I'm really feeling down, I'm sick of Depemds, wearing extra layers of clothing, not eating and drinking like normal people, and living in fear. But I, like the rest of you, will get up tomorrow and do it all again, because if I don't, this miserable disease wins.I'm so glad to have found this forum where I know people understand what IBS sufferers deal with on a daily basis.


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## Catsratz (Apr 14, 2006)

I've been lucky so far because all my accidents have been at home and usually minor. Except for a couple months ago when I went to a block party and, after several beers, decided to have a burger. First time I had a problem. I was NOT expecting this to happen so quick and shat myself a bit before I could make it into the rest room. I cleaned up okay, but had to hope no one else could smell that distinctive, lingering odor, even after washing.A few thoughts: I actually have more of a problem with wetting myself than crapping myself, so maybe a lot of it is a getting-older kind of thing (56). There doesn't seem to be much rhyme or reason to IBS - it surely is weird. Also, I don't have a lot of stress now, although I had much more than my share for most of my life. So I decided about 7 years ago that best thing to do in any situation is to stay calm and it's helped a lot - though not with IBS.My biggest problem so far is with pain and bloating, which sets in most afternoons soon after I eat and lasts many hours. I just began taking GasAid by Imodium, which seems to help. The BM, which usually happens just an hour or so after eating, doesn't help the bloat at all.This is some BAD stuff! but it was so insidious I didn't realize I had such a big, ongoing problem until just a couple months ago. My 'battle plan' is to not eat anymore before going anywhere. (Fine for me until I go back to work because I'm overweight anyway







and don't get hungry mornings.)Also, when eating the day after drinking beer (usually once weekly), to be prepared for much looser bowels - with me, there is definitely a connection. However, when I eat BEFORE drinking beer, the beer does NOT activate IBS.Recently I began seeing a great guy and am a little concerned with morning flatulence, too, but it's not that bad, and certainly nothing approaching any of the problems others have listed. I can't even imagine how horrible it must be to 'lose it' around others and can only hope mine never gets to that point


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## 17620 (Oct 2, 2006)

I sympathise with everyone who has had an embarrasing moment. Mine just seem to continue every time I go out.I went to a party once and had an attack en route and had to literally knock the bathroom door down to get the previous occupant out before I had an accident. I then occupied the bathroom for 15 minutes groaning and straining.I have had to pull over to the hard shoulder of the motorway and go in the bushes almost in plain view of other traffic passing.My wife becomes quite emabarressed sometiomes when we go out when I dissapear to the toilet and don't come back for 15 minutes. I have had peolple come looking for me before now. I evan had someone ask if I needed an ambulance because of the noises I was making.I have got quite used to all of the bad effects but my friends and family still get embarrased and suprised from time to time.


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## 15476 (Sep 30, 2005)

I was diagnosed with IBS about seven years ago. Like most of us I have had both good days and bad days and the odd truly horrible day.About three weeks ago I had a lunch meeting with a business associate from out of town. Things went well business-wise and IBS-wise. After the meeting I headed back to my car to drive back to the office. As I was walking to the car I felt the familiar tinge of IBS discomfort but it was relatively mild, and knowing that the office was no more than 15 minutes away I figured I would be OK. If only you could go back in time...I'm driving along and suddenly traffic comes to a halt on a street that usually moves pretty smoothly. I was at a standstill for about five minutes when I start thinking that maybe I should have used the washroom at the restaurant. I had the radio on in the car and heard the traffic report that comes on every 10 minutes. There had been a crash about half a kilometer down the road that was being cleaned up. They expected delays of about 20 minutes. I was pretty sure I didn't have 20 minutes. I had a way out because just a half a block away was a street that I could turn left on that would take me to another street that would get me back to the office. Checking that there was no oncoming traffic I turned into the lane on my left and zoomed over to the street that would be my saviour and turned left. What I didn't know was that three cars behind me was a police cruiser. Next thing I know I see flashing red lights in my rearview mirror. I pull over and tell the officer that I ordinarily wouldn't have done what I did but I have IBS and need to get to a bathroom yesterday. Unfortunately she was not the least bit sympathetic. Not only was she going to ticket me for an unsafe turn she was also writing me up for an illegal left turn. The street I turned on has a turning restriction between 7:00am and 6:00pm.By the time the officer returned to the car with tickets in hand it was too late. My pants were full and my leather seats were stained. I called the office and advised that I would be gone the rest of the day and drove home to clean myself and my car. Fortunately my wife was not home and didn't come home for a couple of hours so I never had to share the story with her.


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## 21723 (Aug 19, 2005)

Unfortunately this is probably not your last time. BTW you mentioned taking anti-depressants but no anti-diarrheals? I would never travel without a few Imodiumâ€™s under my belt. My philosophy to many bad things in life is in 50 years nobody is going to give a dam anyway.


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## 22163 (Aug 26, 2006)

What a nasty cop! Did she realize? If she did I hope she felt bad. I hate traffic jams, that's why I wish I had a motor home with a built in bathroom!


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## 14139 (May 13, 2005)

debrah,HAve you tried Mike Mahoneys tapes yet? I would strongly suggest you try it. As for your embarrassing situation try like heck to move on from it. I am not trying to take away how you feel. I recently went away with my husband and another couple to a baseball game two hours away from home. The first night we stayed in a hotel and ate at a nice restaurant. I always know my stomach is going to react after eating out but I had no other choice. The next morning I dropped them off at the game and went back to the hotel to relax and prepare for the long day ahead. At check out I knew I had to go the bathroom but thought I would be able to hold it in until we arrived back home that evening. Thru out the day I kept getting the feeling like I needed to go but was too emabarassed to go at the stadium. When we decided to leave I went for a pee stop and even then knew I should try and go but told myself I could wait. We walked to the car and BAM I had to go NOW! OMG I can't get back in the stadium and was starting to panic. My only option was to use a port a potty in the parking lot. I was devastated, embarrassed and felt defeated. I took an imodium and was pissed at myself all the way home. I felt guilty for the way I acted and realized the next day I needed to let the expiernce go. I know if I continue to hold onto these feelings and fears I am only go to ensure more problems each time I do something. Letting go feels amazing. We didn't ask for IBS we certainly did not cause it all we can do is find ways to cope with it. Whatever that may be for you. Just remember that the more you stress about it the more it can happen. We have all been in your shoes at one time or another and pray to every god imaginable that it doesn't happen again. But we can't continue to let this rule our lives. We are fighters and deal with more #### that any "normal" person can imagine. Stay strong and optimistic that you will get through this and any other situation that may arise.


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## 13862 (Oct 7, 2006)

Dear Debrah, hello from North Wales in the UK. I have only recently found out that the symptoms I have had for a long time and which have become worse recently, are due to IBS. I can really sympathize with your story as I had a pretty embarrassing situation to cope with too. My husband (lovely short Welsh man!) and I were heading home one night after having been to Borders the book place and for a chinese, when the exhaust on our car started to make horrible noises and then to produce sparks! Anyway we had to pull over and the car wasn't going anywhere. Cue my gurgling stomach and abdo pain. Deep breaths I thought, relax it'll be fine. We called his dad to come and rescue us but he wasn't in time to prevent me having to jump over the bypass fence and you know what in the nettles. Ruined my lovely boots, stung my hands and had to use my socks as substitute loo roll! Obviously I was in a bit of a mess (I have small feet!) and had to sit side-saddle in the car and talk to his parents as if nothing was wrong. I don't think they realised but my husband knew and that was embarrassing enough (trying to keep the romance going and that did not help). The only thing to do is explain why it happened and laugh about it, otherwise you'll get yourself stressed which will probably bring on another delightful attack. Chin up, Jackie x


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