# How do you tell your new b.f/g.f



## 14949 (Oct 22, 2006)

I dont want to gross them out or scare them away. It's very awkward telling them I have to go D after I eat. My best friend thought I was bullimic until I told him. So how do you break the news?


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## overitnow (Nov 25, 2001)

I have a digestive problem and I feel a little uncomfortable talking about it until we know each other better. Is that ok with you?


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## 14448 (Jun 14, 2006)

I think it's best not to go into details on the first few dates. Wait until you feel comforatable with each other. If you're in the loo a long time he'll probably assume you're putting on make-up or have your period or something. Or, if he asks, say you have a sensitive digestive system or get stomach cramps after eating.I didn't tell my boyfriend I had IBS until we'd been together for 2 years- I wish I'd told him sooner. It would have saved 2 years of making up weird excuses why I couldn't eat/stay overnight/go on a trip etc! I used to get cramps and D in the early morning at his house and pretend I had a migraine and had to go home. When I DID tell him it was iBS, he was understanding, and also v.relieved, as it explained my odd behaviour. He even told me funny stories about when he was travelling and had D.


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## 21857 (Aug 15, 2006)

It best to wait a little while and get close to each other first. I guess it depends what type of people you both are, if you are both a more conservative then dont go into to much detail, but if you are more open people, then let him know all the kinds of problems that you can have. Most people are very understanding about it, after all even people with out ibs have these symptoms at time and know how hard it is to deal with, let alone to deal with it everyday!Good luck, and if he isnt understanding about it, maybe its time to find someone who is!


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## 23229 (Sep 12, 2006)

This is my advice just based on my own experience. When i first started dating my boyfriend ( now of two years) we went on short dates and I almost always drove. Then as we became more comfortable the dates started to last a bit longer anytime i felt an ibs attack i just said i had a stomach ache. Eventually, once u start dating you can usually tell how that person is. If they arent understanding you really cant do much about it. Once i told my boyfriend I had IBS he understood.Also the time it was so bad i had to go to the hospital he was right there and even brings me a peppermint tea beore we go out on our date.IBS is just as serious and life changing as any other disease, or infection or problem and altho it can be an icky topic u shouldnt be ashamed. There are guys who understand,and you will find one that does!


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## 17953 (Oct 26, 2006)

If you have to get up to go during a date, just say you have a sensitive stomach (since most dates involve food). The problem comes when you go on vacation with them and the amount of time you spend in the bathroom gets really obvious! Don't go too long without telling them, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and now we live together and I have never told him about my problems. At least he's at work all day during the week, but the weekends can be very embarrassing. Trying not to go and holding it in just makes everything 10 times worse, so if you're going to be around them a lot, you are better off telling the truth from the beginning.


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## 20270 (Nov 1, 2006)

I got IBS after being with my BF for about 2 months. We then went away together not long after that, so he knew I wasn't well. I was only formally diagnosed with IBS last week though so he has been with me the whole way. I just told him that I had a stomach ache, and tried to hide how bad it was as much as I could. Was ok, until we moved into his little flat together, and the toilet was upstairs and everything could be heard!


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## 20120 (Nov 20, 2006)

arhg, im having this problem too..i have known him a couple of months, and my bloating has suddenly started to get a million times worse.i cant spend an evening with him, without swelling up more than usual, right in front of him!and if i try stay the night, i cant sleep incase of breaking wind when im asleep, incase hes not..and in the morning i can hardly move.arhgh, its killing me, and i bet hes wondering how ive got so fat in the last month (its not actually fat, but it looks like it).


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## 16467 (Aug 31, 2006)

The best thing to do is be honest. If she or he is the kind of person who will understand is ok, if not is ok as well, at least u will know about this person right away instead of gettin romantic involve and have a bad experience u know.


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## 17338 (Oct 30, 2006)

I agree. In intimate relationships, I think full disclosure is the best. Based on my experience attempting to hide my IBS is more stressful than just talking about it. For the first couple of dates, I stay away from restaurants and the movies, only because both don't really allow you a chance to get the know the person. In a restaurant, I always have to negotiate between the food in my mouth, my IBS and the awkward moments of silence. The movies are my worst nightmare on a first date. Instead I try to stay outdoors, the zoo or miniature gulf. If thing runs smoothly then I mention a "friend" who has IBS and what "my friend" has to deal with, the physical symptoms and stuff. I try to gauge his reaction based on "my friend" because ultimately that is how he will react to me. Unfortunately, since I am single there has been more losers than winners. After the first date there is nothing more nerve-wracking than breaking the "I have IBS" news.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

This might help:http://ibsgroup.org/groupee/forums/a/tpc/f...261/m/364106121


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## 21716 (Dec 7, 2006)

u grls can get away with it with ur feminie wilds and other excuses to go to the toilet but boys r stuck. Then if you figure in being macho we're double stuffed


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## 17338 (Oct 30, 2006)

Not really. The gross response factor can be the same for women and men. Even feminine excuses can't cover all my IBS symptoms and eventually I run out of excuses. As a result, I just end up being the boring g/f who never wants to go out. IBS just sucks all around







.


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## 16963 (Dec 5, 2006)

> quote:Originally posted by Cryinondainside: If thing runs smoothly then I mention a "friend" who has IBS and what "my friend" has to deal with, the physical symptoms and stuff. I try to gauge his reaction based on "my friend" because ultimately that is how he will react to me. Unfortunately, since I am single there has been more losers than winners. After the first date there is nothing more nerve-wracking than breaking the "I have IBS" news.


I don't know that the "my friend..." story will always help you guage it. I tried that. Before I told my BF I had IBS, but while I was still working with my dr and pretty much knew I was doomed to that diagnosis, I watched "The Ladykillers" with my BF. There's a character in there with IBS. I used that as a conversation piece to talk about how someone I know has it and how I feel so badly for her. He didn't make fun, but he did kind of say that if you had a condition that gross maybe you should just wear depends all the time, or something else. But when I told him a few weeks later that I have it, he was completely supportive and okay.I'm actually seeing a psychiatrist right now for the social anxiety my IBS causes. When I mentioned to him that a big thing that makes me nervous is when my friends see/hear something in a movie, etc about IBS it's a joke and a cause for laughter. The other day a bunch of us were watching video clips on the internet and there was one everyone kept playing OVER AND OVER of a girl having an accident in a hot tub. I said that I felt really bad for her, but everyone else just went on and on about how gross she was, etc. So of course, I'm afraid to tell them that it's a possibility that will happen to me one day. Anyway, I told my psychiatrist that its things like those that make me really afraid to tell anyone - and he brought up the fact that my BF used to laugh at it until me, someone he's close to, had to suffer with it. People make fun of things they're not connected to and don't understand. But now that my BF knows its something real I deal with and he does indirectly, its real for him and it's suddenly different.Okay, that was long. Basically if someone says IBS is the grossest thing ever and they'd never date anyone like that, well, I guess you have your answer. But if they kind of laugh it off or something, they might be okay with it once a person they care about is involved in it.


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## 17338 (Oct 30, 2006)

I think gauging a reaction can be difficult but there are two things I try to keep on mind. 1) If the relationship falls apart, what will happen? I don't want this guy spreading my IBS news and 2) is he sensitive or compassionate to my story? I think we have pretty much the same basic idea by using a third party (movie actress or friend) with IBS as an icebreaker.


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## 16963 (Dec 5, 2006)

> quote:Originally posted by Cryinondainside:
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I wasn't trying to say that using an example to guage the reaction couldn't help at all... but if you mention your friend, etc. who has IBS and the response is a negative one, just think about what kind of a person they are in general. If they're kind, compassinate and trustworthy, maybe the reaction comes from a lack of knowledge or emotion about the subject. But if they are understanding in everything else, they might be understanding when you tell them about this, even though when you brought up a "friend" they made fun of it or dismissed it.


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## 17338 (Oct 30, 2006)

I agree completely. Now all I need is the guy







.


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## 16574 (Dec 31, 2006)

Hi there,IBS is so embaressing. Its hard to tell someone you like about what you are dealing with. I think its best to tell them up front, you can see if they are right for you if they stick around after you tell them. My boyfriend is so good about it. I get sick just about right after I eat, I try not to eat around him, and if I do eat and then get sick he goes home and lets me have the privacey I need. Hes so use to it, thats it like a ritual for him to go home after dinner


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## 14448 (Jun 14, 2006)

It took me 2 years to tell my boyfriend about my IBS. We don't live together so I was always making excuses to go home, like I had a migraine or period pain or had to call my mum or had to get up early for a seminar.Eventually I told him the truth at a party. We were both drunk and I was in a bad mood because I was hungry, he got angry because I wouldn't eat, so I told him WHY I couldn't eat. He hugged me and was sympathetic, but was furious I'd kept it a secret for 2 years.I'm still very embarassed about it. If I'm staying the night at his house I daren't eat much. If I get bad cramps I take a taxi home before the D starts. He's always telling me not to be embarassed about it and thinks I'm makinga big deal out of nothing, but I can't shake the embarassment off!


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## 19951 (Dec 11, 2006)

Ive not yet had any troubles telling BFs about my IBS because I was with one when I was diagnosed and he knew I had "stomach troubles" and it never bothered him, but he had his own toilet troubles although nothing like IBS so sort of knew where I was coming from, and after I got diagnosed was always reminding me to take my medication. And the second BF had his own medical problems far worse than me with regards to badly controlled Diabetes and Epi;epsy etc, so he knew all about it but I always felt as if I had no right complaining because he had so much more to handle than me, it was just a case of "Oh you have IBS what happens?" I told him and we just got on with things, although we arent together now and it was nothing to do with my IBS. I find the best way round it is to be honest because trying to hide it doesnt work, especially when you are trying to hide the pain you are in, at least if they know its one less thing to worry about. Maybe Ive just been lucky and found people who dont mind, but Ive always been someone who can be open, its how I am, but Ive been open to the point of shocking before, but thats because all my life I have had a disability to deal with and hiding it just doesnt work - Im not ashamed of my IBS and but hiding it people make up their own ideas and most times the truth is a easier to accept than the stories people make up when they know something is wrong but dont know what the problem is. Tam


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Why would anyone spread details of a medical condition around? People don't do that. Even rude, insensitive, arse holes.It probably wont even cross his mind its a big issue to you-seriously. You don't make a big thing about it, he probably won't either. If he does?meh.Not worth it


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## 16963 (Dec 5, 2006)

> quote:Originally posted by Nikki:Why would anyone spread details of a medical condition around? People don't do that. Even rude, insensitive, arse holes.


I don't know. I could definitely see a few of my "friends" doing that. I want to tell my good friend about my IBS, because we hang out a lot and it would really take a load off of my mind to know that she just understood what was going on with me. I actually feel a lot more comfortable taking a long time in the bathroom, etc. when someone knows that I have IBS. I don't know why - it seems like it would work the opposite way.Anyway, I don't tell her. Because I'm sure she'd tell her boyfriend - they share everything. And HE is who I'm worried about. There isn't a doubt in my mind that he would tell all of our friends if he knew I have IBS. He's a rude, insensitive arse hole. And that's exactly why he'd tell everyone.I know that if someone would do that to me, they're not worth being my friend. But the horrible thing is, there are people who aren't worth it who are still huge parts of the lives of the people who are worth my time. So I have to take them into account in everything I tell anyone in my group of friends. Sigh.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

So tell them, and if he does tell everyone- own up! Its not something to be embarrassed about.The more you hide it- the worse it will be. Nobody who is worth their salt as a friend will care about it. It would be a hoooooge weight off your shoulders.I know that it was a massive weight off mine now that everyone knows!


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## 14529 (Feb 1, 2007)

going out is so hard. It's so hard to find an exuse when going somehwere, esp. at night when things really get bad. People think I'm rude or not social cuz I blow them off all the time. How do I tell them I can't go out to the dinner cuz my body just doesnt treat food the way it should, or how i can't go to the movie cuz..that might be horrible for the person sitting next to me. I wanna go to a party and just enjoy without worrying. <sigh>


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