# Fear of Intimacy



## 17934 (Oct 2, 2005)

Hi, I've come back to IBSgroup after trying to move past it for a while. I had severe IBS-D for almost 10 years, from 8th grade through college. I've made a lot of progress in my life and my symptoms went away for the most part. What's going on now is that I find that I won't allow myself to get close to people. My family had shamed me for my disease and so I lived in isolation (not literally, but you know what I mean) and even though I live on my own, I still fear that if people find out, I will be shamed and ridiculed. I also started remembering feelings from my adolesence, because I had shut off feeling after 3 suicide attempts.I'm dating a new guy, and I want to tell him about my past and what I went through, but I am terrified!! I feel crazy, because I feel like he will leave me or make fun of me when he finds out, and I know it's not true, but somehow it's how my mind works. I suffer from panic attacks, major irritability, mood swings, bouts of anger, etc. I never know how I'm going to react, I'm trying to finally have a normal life and it's very difficult.Any words of advice from anyone? It's amazing how I don't get sick like I used to, but the panic, anxiety and shame still remain. Any help or support would be greatly appreciated.Thanks,Judy


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## SpAsMaN* (May 11, 2002)

He don't need to know about your past.Takes one day at the time.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Hi Judy, i noticed you are from NY also, you can email me, we can talk or meet in the city for a coffe,look forward to hear from you


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## kitkat17 Lady of the Loo (Jul 21, 2005)

I agree with Spas, one day at a time and he don't need to know about your past. If the relationship goes for awhile and it looks like it will last then maybe have a heart to heart. If oyu are talking about IBS-D then well it is kind of hard to hide.Good luckKat


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## Guest (Oct 3, 2005)

Hey Judy--Well, when you're comfortable, why not just start off with telling him about the IBS. Take it one step at a time, and if that goes okay, when you come to trust him enough, you can broach the heavier topics.If he is really a keeper, he'll appreciate what you go through and the guts it takes to divulge this kind of info. Besides, isn't it better if he knows what's going on, so if you snap now and then he doesn't blame it on himself?If it helps any, my boyfriend of over 3 years says he probably never would have been able to go out with me if I hadn't told him about my IBS before we started dating, when we were friends. He says he just wouldn't have understood me, but once he did, it was okay.Sometimes taking a chance can work out for the better... and when you are ready to take on the issues with anxiety and shame, you will have someone who can support you, rather than keeping it all to yourself.Let us know how it goes.*hugs*


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## 17934 (Oct 2, 2005)

Thanks for all of your replies. I have decided though that I want to tell him. Reason being is because as I suffer from anxiety and panic, I get quiet and my mood changes and he immediately notices and asks me what's wrong. My mood fluctuates for no reason and he doesn't understand. I also feel that I've hid it from everyone for so long I don't want to hide anymore. So I'm going to have a "heart to heart" with him the next time we get together alone. I'll let you know what happens.Thanks


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## Guest (Oct 3, 2005)

Good for you Judy! I know it's been great to have my boyfriend's support while going through therapy for anxiety. It's been a bit of a roller coaster, but now that I'm coming out the other side intact and things are looking up, I can't tell you how priceless his support has been. I don't think we would have survived it if I hadn't been honest with him, and I think it's actually made us stronger going through this together. Remember, boys want to help make things better, sometimes it's good to let them.Good luck.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Judy: I can definitely tell you, that from a male standpoint, we always want to know what's wrong when you're quiet. We want to try and help you out. And even if you say, "nothing." We still don't believe you. We just want to help, we're problem solvers. If we can't solve your problem, we still want to know.If it's been a few dates, I would go ahead and tell him. Tell him that's why you've been quiet when you get "quiet." It will make him feel better. There was a really good pamphlet online that I thought might help. I will include it down below.http://www.ibsgroup.org/main/aboutibs.html


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## Loz88 (Sep 6, 2005)

hiya...i have been with my boyfriend 3 months now, and i told him more or less straight away and he was so understanding. When we go out anywhere, he always makes sure there are toilets wherever we go and he always carries tissue with him for me. At the end of the day, everyone has to go to the toilet and although it is hard not to get embarrassed. You have to remember, it is a perfectly normal body function, i have big issues with using public toilets as i get easily embarrassed but i remember that it is normal and the people outside i probably will never see again.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Hey, WHen i first came to this site, it took me 3 months to tell my boyfriend at the time about my IBS.You will eventually be able to tell him, but dont rush it. Too much information at once isn't good anyway- give him a bit to try and work out


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## 16448 (Oct 14, 2005)

I actually have the same fear of intimacy...I'm worried that I might cause myself serious social harm if I don't figure out a way to stop being so paranoid about it. Part of it for me is I just don't like having people around when I feel sick. I don't like being a burden. I like with four roomates right now, and it's really starting to get to me. My IBS-D has gotten much worse the past few months, and I feel like I'm constantly on display. It makes me want to hide somewhere.


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