# Coworker's not talking to me AGAIN



## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

I didn't know which section would be best for this post, so I'm putting it here. If I guessed wrong, please forgive me.I have a small office - there are only 5 of us in here. So, when there's a problem, it's huge - it's not like there're a lot of people to filter things out.My coworker goes through periods of not speaking to me. In the past, I've done my wimpy act of going to her and asking if I've done something wrong. Well, this time, I'm not doing that. I'm tired of being the wimp who's letting her control me and my emotions. And, I'm tired of setting myself up for her yelling at me after I ask what's wrong (she's done that before).If I'd done something wrong, I'd understand. But, I don't recall doing anything wrong to her. And, if I did, I'd expect for her to be mature enough to come to me and say, "Hey, you know, this bothered me a bit the other day. Can we talk it out?" But, this isn't how she works. She just stops talking. That wouldn't be such a huge deal except that she's the secretary. And, when she stops talking, I start missing some of the information coming through the office. Nothing earth-shattering, but things that I needed to have been made aware of. Things that would be helpful for me to know about.I can't go to the boss - another very touchy situation. And, it would create even more problems than I already have.She seems to think she has this power over me by not speaking to me. And, in a way, she does, because the office is tense when this happens. And, even more importantly, my IBS starts really acting up when this happens. It creates a lot of stress in me that manifests in my gut. I start feeling the nausea and pain and other symptoms of my IBS flare up more and more when she acts like this.Help me. How do I keep from letting her have this power over me? How do I deal with the snubs and non-responses to my questions? How do I keep from letting this affect me like it has in the past? And, how do I keep from being a wimp and asking her what's wrong when I don't think I did anything wrong?


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## Elariel (Jan 1, 1999)

just let her not speak to you.. i'd just go on as if nothing was wrong at all! maybe she's playing head games, but maybe she just goes through periods when she just doesnt want to talk? if you havent done anything wrong, just let it go. it's sort of hard, but just because you work with someone doesnt mean you have to be friends with them or gain their approval.. you can still be friendly without being best buds!


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

The thing is, she's super friendly with everyone else in the office when this happens. If it were a case of her just not feeling like not talking, I'd understand better. We all have those days when we don't feel well or feel outgoing. But, she makes it pretty darn obvious that this is solely directed at me alone. She does everything she can to make sure I know that I'm being totally and completely snubbed.Today was our Health Fair at work. She deliberately neglected to tell me that it was going on (she's the one who gets the info on when it is). She only told my other coworker about it - they went together.I had an injury a couple of months ago. Because of this, I've been in a wheelchair. I'm now graduating to a walker. However, I'm having difficulty with things like doors at the moment. She deliberately closed the door in my face when I was coming in a little while ago. Made it so that I had to struggle with it myself. It would not have been that much trouble for her to see that I was having a bit of a problem and hold the door for me. But, this is how she is right now. It really hurt my feelings - I tried not to let it, but it did.I wondered why I woke up feeling sick this morning, and it suddenly hit me a little while ago that I was dreading work today. That my gut was telling me that I'm stressed out over this right now.


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## jtison (Sep 16, 2003)

Dotty,It's an unfortunate fact of life that this world is full of a$$holes, and it seems like your co-worker is one of them. For the **life** of me, I can't *imagine* slamming a door in the face of someone using a walker. Talk about a lack of human decency ... the streets of Manhattan are kinder than that.Know what I'd do? IGNORE HER in the office, and then say a prayer for her at night. Let her pull whatever hateful stunts she cares to pull. We all want to get along with everyone, but it takes two to tango. As to "power over you", only you can grant that. Make a conscious decision that you will do so no longer. This person is clearly toxic, and you don't need any more of that in your life.Peace,--jt--


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## Guest (Oct 31, 2003)

Hi DottyGI am a great believer in "what goes around, comes around" and she will get hers in due time. Might take a while but she'll get it. It is obvious that she is an unhappy person and needs to get a life!! I have to agree with the other posts, ignore her, if she knows it gets to you she'll keep doing it. I had a friend like that and I dumped her, you have to work at being friends but that was just sick. You don't need to kiss butt all the time. I have felt much better since I got rid of that one! Talk on the phone to a good friend in front of her and she'll get the message that she means nothing to you. Good luck.


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## battle (Sep 13, 2003)

Hello Dottie G.!!!I understand what you're going through believe me,but I agree with jtison and type o...I will simply ignore her.I have so called associates(they can't be friends) who act the same way.It's sad that some people can be so ignorant.YYou keep your head up and remember you're not alone.


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## mdonbru (Oct 15, 2003)

Could it be that she has some kind of a problem with people who are not well? I don't know why this is, but I have noticed some people are hostile towards others who may need a little more help, be it from a disability or illness. It's possible that she does not know what to say or how to deal with your condition at the moment. If she's immature, she could see you as some kind of threat - like maybe you will get more attention or special treatment that she resents. She could mistakenly believe you are attention seeking. Or maybe she doesn't have the skills to be compassionate - and it makes her feel awkward towards you. Just a few thoughts.For your well-being - I would say try to ignore it - don't grovel. If you have done nothing wrong, she is the one who has to live with her behavior. As others have said, it will come back to her in the end. I'm a big believer in karma.Hope you are feeling better soon!


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## Bewitched (Jul 24, 2002)

I hope things get better for you soon!!!I know what you're going through.I had a boss just like that.He would treat me like s###*&t and be nice to everyone else.Some days he would be sweet as pie and others he would be sooo crual







.It sounds like you are a people pleaser like me and sometimes people like to take advantage of your kindness and vulnerbility.It's just like a bully,it makes them feel big to make someone else feel bad.If you show her that she's getting to you,your playing right into her.That's exactly what she wants.I know it's difficult,but try not to show her that she's had an effect on you.If your not getting information that you need from her,then that's another problem.Maybe you could go to another co worker to get the information?However you choose to handle it,just remember,this too shall end.I wish i could give you a big (((HUG)))!!!Take care sweetie!!!-Love wendi-


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

What's strange is that I'd think she'd be happy that I _am_ getting better.Long story short: On July 3, I fell at home. I tore the MCLs (medial collateral ligaments) in both knees. It's not an uncommon injury in one knee and typically doesn't completely tear. However, when I do things, I do them big. I completely tore the ligaments in BOTH knees!I was out of work for 2 months recuperating. When I came back, I was in the wheelchair. I tried to do as much as possible for myself. There were a few things that I needed assistance with, but I tried to be as self-sufficient as possible.I've been working DARN hard at physical therapy. And, two weeks ago yesterday, I walked for the first time since the accident. I was on Cloud Nine, to say the least!Since then, I've been walking more and more each day. I try to use my walker exclusively at work. At home, there are some times when I can even actually walk without the walker! So, in a short amount of time at PT, I've come an unbelievably long way.So, she's seen me go from that wheelchair to a walker - and not only that, but doing better and better with the walker each day.So, why is she being such a jerk?I did get a "hello" from her this morning. But, that's all.She does this periodically - and I never know what's wrong or why she's acting like this. At other times, she talks freely and acts as if I'm a friend. She just goes through periods where I'm an outcast.Like I said, it wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that my IBS starts going crazy when she does this.And, right now, I need to be concentrating on learning how to walk again. I need to be rejoicing that my legs are getting stronger every day. I don't need to be dealing with her garbage.


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

Was posting at the same time as you were, Wendi. Thanks for the hug!







And, I'm so grateful to all the rest of you, too. You're all so sweet and kind to me!


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## magicjenjen (Sep 23, 2003)

For ### 15 years I had a "friend" who was like this to me off and on. I tried to be nice and forgive and forget when she got like this. I could always count on one of B***H days to set my IBS off. I finally decided to just tell her off and that I wasn't playing her game anymore. Go, get off my property or I will call the cops kind of leave! I was on cloud nine when I just quit playing her games. And I had the best month I had had in a long time. Just don't play her games, because you are better than that!!!


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## triage999 (Oct 3, 2003)

I really felt compelled to reply to this post as I had the same experience where I used to work. I used to work looking after the elderly, there was this particular care worker who used to snub me for no reason what so ever one week then act as a best friend the next! It gradually got worse and I used to dread going to work, she would then move onto someone else for a while and that person usually ended up leaving the job through stress because of what she was like. She would then move back to me until someone else came along. It got to the point where I would feel physically sick at the thought of going to work and I would often call in sick. It then got so bad I had to leave. Two months later I was sat at home and thought "I am sat at home because of her with no money and missing out on a job I really loved" I had heard that she had been promoted to team manager which was not good considering around 10 people or so had left because of her and also so many had complained to management. I then thought what the hell and went back, she was still the same old self, ignoring when she wanted, but this time I acted as though it was not bothering me and after a few weeks she stopped! At the end of the day she was just a big bully who thrived on reaction, I did not give it to her and she obviously got bored. Do not let it get to you, what problems are you having that you cannot go to your manager?Jo xx


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## betagirl (Oct 12, 2002)

Hey DottyI know this may take a lot of guts, but why don't you just call her on it? Ask her "hey what's the deal with you not talking to me for periods of time? Do you think I don't notice? Are we back in junior high again?" You get the idea







Put her on the spot. Share some of that discomfort back to her. I know it's a small office and a touchy situation. But how is it right that she can run around acting like a total ###### to you? What do your other co-workers have to say? It sounds very clique-y, which sucks. I'm really sorry that you're stuck in that situation. She obviously has no self esteem, or she wouldn't need to validate herself like this.hang in there! Try not to let her bother you. And I agree, Karma will get her.


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## missC (Oct 16, 2002)

hey dotty. let her enjoy being her stupid childish ignorant self, why don't you. and if you get any hassle about not doing something you were supposed to due to a lack of information, just say, 'oh, was i supposed to know about that? ****** didn't tell me....' yeah, name her. if it happens often enough people will get the message and start to wonder what she's playing at.


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

Update on my condition: Last week, I was driving myself to work. Unfortunately, the knees are still weak, it appears. I fell and broke my ankle. As if I didn't already have enough on my plate.I'm temporarily back in the wheelchair, because of this new injury.I'm fighting tearing up a lot of the time anyway. I have so much to deal with right now.And, the coworker situation is not improving.In fact, my boss came to me the other day and informed me that my injury has "affected others in the office" and that I need to seek counseling from the Employee Assistance Program. (Now, I have to say that I'd already considered doing so, simply because of the attitude that I'm encountering in the office at the moment. But, to be told that by her was uncalled for.)I have a feeling it was this coworker who went to the boss and told her that I'm not the same and that I should be asked to seek help. It's the only person who 1)would have done such a thing and 2)has had any kind of "problem" with me that would make the boss do this.My boss is not being any nicer. Get this, remember how I told you about the coworker's shutting the door in my face the other day? Well, the boss did the same thing to me yesterday. I was coming down the hallway, she saw me coming, and she still shut the door. I had to get my key out, open the door and struggle with it.Everything I do is being nitpicked.I dread coming to work. I'm not sleeping at night. I'm not eating properly. I can't do this much longer.I feel like crying most of the time right now. But, I can't let them see me crumble. I've got to appear to be strong. Even when I don't feel like it.


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## missC (Oct 16, 2002)

dotty, are you unionized?


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

Nope.


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## missC (Oct 16, 2002)

is it an option in your workplace? i don't know, i have a friend with not entirely dissimilar problems to yours in her small workplace with her pig-ignorant colleagues. she hasn't actually called upon union back-up since she joined, but it helps her psychologically to know that if things got intolerable maybe they could do something. i mean if you keep a diary and get corroboration (any co-operative reasonable people at all in your workplace?) a case for constructive dismissal might be made if you feel obliged to leave.


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

No unions in Texas. Just one of those things about this state.


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

I woke up to D and pain in my colon. I have no doubts as to why this happened. I didn't want to go to work today.This is making my IBS act up more and more.







This is just not fair.







The coworker won't speak to me at all. I'm trying to just be myself and pretend like she's not bothering me. I'm laughing and joking around with people - even close to her desk, so it appears that I'm joking around with her. Want to make it clear that I'm not the problem here. That I'm fine. Don't know what her deal is. As soon as I got near her desk, she turned her back. She and another coworker were talking and laughing at the time. What they were talking about, I was able to respond to as well. But, as soon as I started talking, she turned her back and ignored me - thereby stopping talking to the other coworker, too.It's ludicrous. And, if it weren't happening to me, I might be able to laugh at how stupid she's coming across. But, it is happening to me. And, it's making me physically ill in the process.I don't know how to let things like this roll off my back. I just don't.And, I don't know how to handle the boss when she starts doing her thing. I'm dreading her coming in today. Don't know what I'm in for.


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## magicjenjen (Sep 23, 2003)

Dotty, I would got the the EAP. I think that it would help validate your feelings about how this evil with is treating you. I am sure that the management of the company would be alot more inclined to act better if you were to mention the fact that people file lawsuits due to hostile work environment all of the time!!! Hang in there girl!Jen


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## 5069 (Jul 17, 2003)

Is this coworker real close to the boss? Keep working as hard as you can, try to keep your head down so that any looks or conversation by others won't be noted by you. Your quality of work is all that is important. Keep notes but don't let anyone know you are doing it. Do the note keeping at home if you can. Ignore all the others. You go to work to work. I know this sounds cold but its not. It is a survival tatic. They can't upset you if you are working so hard you can't notice what others are doing, right? Try this and see if this works. Best of luck, Annem


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## DottyG (Jul 26, 2002)

Good point.I guess where I always fall apart with doing that is that I don't want to seem so cold that they don't approach me when whatever problem they're having is over. Yes, I know that sounds weird! But, if they ever get their act together, I want them to know that I'm still the same person. That this cold shoulder thing is them alone and that I'm the same as I have been. Does that make any sense, or am I totally strange?!But, how do you document a feeling? How do you take notes on the general atmosphere of the office. HR wouldn't see that as important. Even though it is. A generalized feeling of being made to feel uncomfortable isn't a tangible complaint (or a proveable one), but it's real nonetheless.And, in answer to your first question, yes, this coworker is tight with the boss. She gets all kinds of special favors - for instance, she, alone, gets to leave at noon most Fridays. There have been times when she'll get to leave early for a holiday while the rest of us have to wait - despite the fact that some of the people in the office are trying to catch a plane or something. But, this coworker just goes home - it's not like she needs to leave early for some reason. I really feel that it's this coworker that's kind of egging the boss on to be mean to me. Somehow, I feel the two issues are tied.


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