# Depression



## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

... is not too good right now. I'm depressed about my almost constant level of pain (about a 3-4/10) even when I'm not having attacks. I look in the mirror and I see something ugly staring back at me. It's hard to look good when you don't feel well. Or, it's hard to feel that you look good when you don't feel well. When she compliments my body, it feels like such a joke... it gets me depressed. It makes me think about when one other said that I was physically unattractive to her because I was so skinny... it brings back such bad memories... more people have told me I'm ugly rather than attractive. Who am I supposed to believe? The many? Or the 'obligated'?I want to tell her what IBS has done to my life, but I'm so ashamed. I feel like such a loser. The (university) school kicked me out citing bad grades and refusing medical withdrawals all along, saying it wasn't possible. They were wrong, they admit that, but they won't change the past... I've had to change my major to even have a shot at getting back in.... she doesn't know any of this. I keep it bottled up inside and see an ugly failure when I look in the mirror. I feel sedentary for sitting out of school an entire year and fighting to try and get back in the entire time. All of my friends have graduated now, even some that are younger than me. When people ask me when I'm going to graduate, it just makes me feel like a failure, and hate myself for my terrible IBS.She would love nothing more than to have me take her out to a bar, but a place with loud music and alcohol isn't where I want to be when I'm at a 3/4 on the pain scale. It just doesn't happen much that I take her to a bar... I can take her other places, but not a bar for some reason. It has come up as a problem before in other relationships... I will never make any girl happy because I'm too sick. Maybe that one was right...I'm sick of all the medications. "Take this pill for nausea, but possible side effects include diarrhea, abdominal pain, dry mouth..."; "Take this pill for the diarrhea, but it might cause nausea, dizzyness, or dry mouth..."; "Take this one for all the infections you are getting now... possible side effects include panic and anxiety..."; "Take this one to reduce panic and anxiety, possible side effects include terrible withdrawal (nausea, vomitting, dry heaving, cramping, diarrhea, ...) and the side effects include nausea, diarrhea, abdominal pain." I never had a problem with anxiety or depression until she started yelling at me for being sick. This could be a coincidence, but I'm not sure.She might start to sound like one woman; it would probably be easier that way. Too bad that's far from the truth.I wish my friends would realize what foods make them visit the bathroom right after, those foods make me visit the bathroom for two hours. I wish they wouldn't coerce me to drink beer with them. I get hangovers for 3 days from 3 beers thanks to IBS.I wish it could just all be over with. I'd love to walk this earth with no more pain. Why did this happen to me? Why is life even harder on the sick? Am I being taught a lesson of some sorts here? It cost me 2,000 for around 2 years just to feel better (medication). It costs my friends a 1,000 a year to feel even better with eat and drink. How come it's harder for the sick to get the drugs they need (and more expensive), and so much easier for the non-sick to get almost free medication? My rich friend with Crohn's gets his Nexium for 5$ a month. I got mine for 180$/mo. I'm not rich, I'm poor. How come my pain is more expensive?She's "out" right now with her friends. I don't blame her for not wanting to visit me... she's 22 and I have the ailing health of what I should be at 60 years from now.But since I've been "there" and "tried" everything to feel better, for every side-ailment IBS has caused me, I have become somewhat of a shaman to my friends. Whenever they are sick, they call me up and ask what home remedy to use for such-and-such an ailment. Time and time again, I'll deliver solid advice and they'll feel better and thank me. I just helped a guy get over crippling anxiety by attempting to teach him some cognitive behavioral therapy. I worked with him for two weeks (the way I was taught) and loaned him a few Alan Watts cds. He was too poor to pay for a psychologist and he was afraid to go outside. He just told me the other day that for the past month he's been going to work and panic attack free. He said I changed his life. I was filled with unexplainable joy when I heard that. So I guess that's how I'm going to feel my "orgasms" now, since I'm so incompatible with women... I guess I'm going to do all that I can to help people. I changed my major today officially so that I can go back to school. I talked to my advisor, she said grad school isn't out of reach for me if I have a strong finish and tell them that I have IBS. Do you mean it is a double edged sword after all? I can use this atrocity that has wreaked havoc on my body the last 4 years to my advantage over all the grief it has caused me? I can continue school in order to one day be able to help people, so that I can die with a natural "high" one day, knowing I helped end the suffering of many... when nothing could end my pain....I hope it's worth it. I hope I make it. I hope I can succeed. I hope this cloud will go away.


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