# I'm a mess.



## ashleighjordan (Apr 28, 2004)

Hi everyone







My first anxiety post. Well, my first time ever really talking about it in a public forum. I have never been diagnosed with anxiety or OCD, but I believe that I have some issues that need to be worked on. I think it really started when I was 14, learning a lot about my family and possibly having a different biological father. Lies lies lies! A lot to deal with when you're that young. I kept all of it inside for many many years *still do to an extent*. I started getting symptoms of IBS-D when I was about 16. I never wanted to go out, didn't want to eat...was scared to do anything that involved leaving my house or a comfortable bathroom. I would have it weighing on my mind so badly that I would have horrible, constant panic attacks. Eventually..after a lot of tests and medication for the IBS, I was able to deal with the panic a lot better and it eventually went away. I wonder to this day if anything from my childhood has led to me developing IBS. Who knows, right?2 years ago I went through a lot of personal problems with my family, and my boyfriend at the time. My attacks were the worst they've ever been. I'm a hypochondriac, so of course with being depressed and panicky throughout all of the #### that happened, I got the flu which I thought was something a lot worse. I thought for months that I was dying, because I wasn't getting any better. This went on for MONTHS. Now I don't know whether or not this is possible, but I think I scared myself so badly into thinking that something was wrong, that it has just stuck in my brain. I don't have a weak immune system, and I'm rarely ever sick...but constantly think that there is something wrong. It's AWFUL







I've been to the doctor for so many things and I've always been fine... It is so frustrating and I don't want to go the route of medication, but it's getting to the point where for now 2 years, it has disrupted my life.







It just seems that everything, whether it be big or small..if it even enters my mind and I have one negative thought - I can't get rid of it. I think about it so much that my heart pounds and my hands shake. This is something that can happen *EVERY DAY*. My IBS has been so bad lately, I think with stress with work...and other personal things going on...it just builds and builds and builds until I'm in tears and can't handle it anymore. I just can't make it stop. Is there anyone out there that can even remotely understand what I'm talking about? I know this post is kind of all over the place... but I'm having a real hard time with my nerves and I'm looking for help. Just someone to say "I understand". Stuff like this doesn't get brought up with my family, because basically - if you can't get over it..you're weak. I'm 24 years old, and feel like I'm 60.







Ashleigh


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## Cinna (Apr 23, 2004)

Oh my goodness! You're making me care about you, even if you're a complete stranger! Ashleigh. I understand, really, I do. I'm constantly worrying about everything, I'm always getting into fights and arguments with friends and family. I worry about school, about my failing marks and I'm always thinking, "I'm a going to be sick again today? Is my stomach going to a ###### and give me pain? .. etc." I'm sick practically EVERY single day. And it's hard to get through the day when you know that there's no who understands what you're going through. I know absolutely no one who has IBS, and none of my friends or other family know about it. It also sucks when I'm never feeling good and I tell my parents and they don't believe me! They think I just say I'm not feeling good to get out of school or other things.I may be younger than you. But I understand! And I'm sure many others here do too.Take care.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Ashleigh and Cinna







Ok, I'm going to play Mom here because that's what I am! A middle aged mom and I can't stand to see a child or young person suffer! Ash, i'm not diagnosing you but please get an evaluation by a psychologist or psychiatrist. I am NOT implying you are crazy but your symptoms sound very much like Obsessive Compulsive disorder (which is an anxiety related disorder). Go to ocfoundation.org --there is great info on OCD which help explain this disorder and what you can do about it (meds and therapy). My daughter has OCD and I hate it for her. She ruminates constantly about health problems, everything--BUT, she is BETTER with medication. She takes Lexapro and has no side effects. I really hate it that you are feeling so lousy but do not give up hope! There are professionals out there that will listen to you and give you a proper diagnosis and start you on the right therapy and/or medication. Keep us posted. There really are people that care about each other on this BB even though we are virtual strangers!


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## dlt647 (Jul 30, 2003)

Ashleigh, I absolutely know exactly what you are going through. I feel as though I have the same problem. I, too, went through a very stressful, life-changing event. My marriage of 16 years broke apart when my ex-husband "fell in love" with someone else. I was devastated and had a very difficult time. I stopped eating and lost 80 lbs., drank a lot, couldn't get out of bed some days, etc. I saw a therapist for a while. I was basically a mess. I thought it was me (was I too fat, was I not fun, you name it). My ex became mean and constantly gave me a hard time, didn't see our kids very often and it totally stressed me out. Then, my son decided to go live with his father and my daughter refused to see her father at all. Well, since then, I have met and married a wonderful man. The problem is that ever since that event, I constantly worry, obsessively. I worry that I will gain too much weight, that my husband will leave me like my first husband, that I have some horrible illness. Almost every day I will see something or hear something that will remind me of that bad period in my life and I get a panicked feeling inside. Sometimes it gets overwhelming like I want to just hide from everything. I obsessively search the internet for what might be wrong with me. My husband says I am a hypochondriac. He is so understanding but I am sure it gets or will get old after a while. I want to not worry. I want to have a time when I physically and emotionally feel great. I know all this worry makes my IBS worse. I get a slight uncomfortable feeling (it isn't even a pain, just a fullness or something) in my abdomen and I panic I have cancer or something. I have been to doctors, been checked out and everything comes back fine. I have been thinking about the hypnosis tapes. I don't know if that would help my stress level. I wish you luck and hope you are okay. You are certainly not alone.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

dlt647, My advice would be the same to you (although you didn't ask)! Get an evaluation! There are so many wonderful meds and therapy to help people with severe anxiety and chronic worry and hypochondria (part of anxiety). Hypno tapes work--to a degree--but if you have a severe anxiety disorder you may get more benefit from the correct medication and/or correct therapy. I'm sure your husband loves you but you are so correct that it gets old to live with (my sweet husband has put up with me)--I do so much better if I take medication. It makes his life, my life and my children's life easier. You shouldn't have to go through life with this much stress, anxiety and worry! Good luck! Tiss


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## sadone (Dec 17, 2003)

ashleigh







i agree with tiss, it is important that you go to a therapist of some sort (since you're in canada, you can go to a psychiatrist free, but psychologists will cost, unless you have a really good health plan). i find it interesting, where you said that you are often worrying about something awful happening or that something is just wrong--when my therapist assesses my anxiety symptoms (he does this regularly, i have a diagnosis of depression, but anxiety and depression usually go hand in hand), one of the questions asked is whether i fear something awful will happen or that something is wrong with me but hasn't been noticed yet.the shakey hands, rapid heart beat, and repetitive thoughts are other things common to anixety and depression--not saying that you have either, but i think there's enough symptoms here that you should get it checked out.good luck


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## ashleighjordan (Apr 28, 2004)

Thank you SO MUCH, for listening and being able to understand my issues. My new boyfriend is absolutely amazing, and constantly tells me what a strong, beautiful, loving person I am and that things will get better with time if I let them. I want to believe him but something just won't allow me to. I haven't gotten into detail regarding the extent of my panic attacks and hypochondria with him, but maybe if I do...I'll feel better - having another person who somewhat understands. Who knows. I went to the OCfoundation website this morning and read through the articles, which I found to be a great source of information. I felt as if they were talking about me, with a lot of things. The fear of germs and illness, passing illnesses off to someone else...the counting and organizing - it was scary! I did the online screening test and got 13/20 for section A and 12/20 for section B. It's definitely time I build up the courage to go and speak to someone. I say this everyday, and everyday I get scared and chicken out. I'm not a religious person by any means, but raised catholic. I've found that saying a few words to the big man up there every now and then helps to release a bit of stress, so this is also something I could try to work on a bit more as well. You guys are great. Even this little amount of talking...makes me feel a bit better knowing that I'm not absolutely crazy...and there are people out there that are going through the same thing as me.







Ashleigh


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Ash, I am a licensed counselor and I want to tell you that any couselor, therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist has seen OCD, depression and anxiety thousands of times! You are not alone and they will NOT think you are nuts! There are MILLIONS of people with all kinds of disorders and the good news is that experts are not there to judge, they are there to HELP--and that is what they (we) are TRAINED to do! Find a good psychiatrist or psychologist and make an appt. and when you get there, BE HONEST about ALL your symptoms. That is the way they will know how to help you best. Best of luck! Please keep us posted. You are NOT alone in this! Tiss


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## dlt647 (Jul 30, 2003)

Ashleigh, Tiss is right. A therapist would probably help you greatly. When I was going through my most stressful period just after my ex-husband left, it felt so good to talk to my therapist. I always left there feeling so much better. My problem now is just getting on with life and not worrying. Tiss, is it possible to have post traumatic stress disorder after a very stressful period (such as sudden divorce)? I talked to my husband last night and have decided I may talk to my doctor about an anti-anxiety medication or something. He is so supportive of me that I think it is important to do something before I drive him crazy.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Absolutely it is very possible to have PTSD after a divorce--especially a sudden (acute) event that was unexpected! That can be one of the most traumatizing events of a person's life! Many times (not always) if a person reacts to a particular trauma like a breakup, divorce, there may have been an earlier trauma in life that exacerbated this trauma--in other words it can be trigger for a trauma that was not dealt with or recognized. My own parents divorce when I was 16 was terribly traumatizing and I didn't realize it until many years later when I went through a divorce. Think of it this way (just one of a thousand examples): a parent's or especially a child's sudden death would be traumatizing to most people. Now, that does not mean everyone will develop PTSD. But a certain % of people will develope PTSD (don't know what that % is). People that are already vulnerable emotionally or psychologically (maybe even physically) may be more prone to it--no one really knows. Therapy helped me uncover trauma that I didn't even know was trauma (brotherinlaw sexually molesting me by calling his play "wrestling), being slipped LSD when I was 15, having a bi-polar alcoholic mother that was unable to mother us---so many things that I had really repressed and did not fully understand that had an impact on me. The LSD was the WORST because is was SUDDEN and I was totally terrified. I lived in terror for almost 20 years until I got an EXCELLENT therapist that knew right away that I was suffering from PTSD. Once I got a name for it, I got on medication and worked a long time in therapy to get myself well. Do I still have residual problems? Yes, I do. IBS, anxiety, OCD (to a minor degree-not like my daughters), on occassion depression--but I take meds when I need them, particularly for anxiety. I just don't want any of you to give up hope--there is great therapy out there for anxiety and PTSD and all sorts of problems and also good medication. Please make sure you get recommendations for the counselor, therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist you see. They are NOT all the same and some are downright harmful if they don't know what they are doing. Ashleigh, you describe your 'finding out' about your biological father and other problems as so disturbing--as well they should be---how could they NOT be?! I think teens are some of the best 'secret keepers' because they already are trying to figure out how to look and act normal and then you have these series of events that are anything but normal so what do you do with them except 'keep them inside'. That is what most teens do--so you are NOT alone there. And then, as we get older into our 20's we find that not only do these problems go away but we seem to feel worse. I thought my problems would magically resolve themselves with time--but no, didn't happen that way for me. But I do hope you reach out to a GREAT therapist and start working. You may find that it not only helps you understand yourself better but your chances to live a long life, much happier are better. It doesn't happen overnight though and if you do have OCD you may have to deal with that forever---to some degree---probably not nearly as disabling as it is now! I also have some OC that I keep pretty much in check with medication and I still go to therapy when I need it (yes, therapists go to therapy too)! Good luck to all. You all have touched my heart because these are obviously the type of problems that I am so very personally familiar with! Tiss


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## dlt647 (Jul 30, 2003)

Thank you for the information Tiss. There are in fact some traumatic events in my life that I suppose were never really dealt with. My parents separation was a big one. My mother had a nervous breakdown, tried to commit suicide and went through several years of some very weird behavior that I never understood since I was young (she "zoned" out, hyperventilated all the time, slept a lot, etc.). My first sexual experience was a result of date rape (a drug was put in my drink and I have no recollection of several hours until coming to during the event). Then after getting married, I felt like I finally went stress free for 16 years and bam, just like that it was over. No pre-warnings, changes in my ex's behavior towards me, nothing. The fear of being by myself, whether I had done something wrong, how I was going to support myself and my kids and whether I would ever find someone else completely overwhelmed me. I had such panic attacks when I would just shake, couldn't breath, cried and couldn't get out of bed. I lost about 80 lbs. and became anorexic. I would go a few days without eating. I went out with several guys, none of which were good for me, but I needed the attention and to know I was attractive to them. I found out how vulnerable you can be as a newly divorced woman and the losers pick right up on it. After a couple months, I hit another low period and realized I was not acting myself and felt very guilty for allowing myself to be used, but slowly worked to start rebuilding my life. I met a great guy (my current husband) and got my life back on track. Unfortunately, I ended up with the continued anxiety attacks and IBS. I know I really screwed my body up with the stress and anorexia and hope to get that under control. Sorry to go on so long, I just started writing and couldn't stop!


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

That is the good thing about the net. We're anonymous and can talk about anything. Wow, we have alot of similarities. I did not go into detail about my mother but in addition to what I told you she was very suicidal and it was terrible for all of us (her children). She tried by pills, slitting wrists, finally shot herself through a lung and lived-although she barely made it. Talk about zoned out--she would sleep for days (was in her depressive state). I am not kidding, we went through hell with her. But, after I grew up, went into therapy and went to grad school (in counseling) I understood her better and I loved her. She had a mental illness on top of her alcoholism---terrible combination to put anybody over the top. She died in 1991 from cancer and I think she was relieved that her battle with life was over.I'm sorry to hear about your background although the more you understand your past, the better you can understand present day behavior and emotions (that is my belief). Yes, you did have alot of trauma (date rape alone would have been enough).I do hope you take care of yourself and get the help you deserve. Afterall, you've already been through alot. People like us that were raised with parents who did not (or could not nurture us) must learn to nurture ourselves in order to live healthier lives and make better choices for ourselves. Take care! Tiss


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## angeleyes1216 (May 5, 2004)

i am 18 and and just got diagnosed with ibs about 2 month ago ever since i've been a mess just like you. i adepressd and i don't even like going out anymore. im always so blted i wear jeans and a sweater to school everyday. i feel fat i am even dieting thinking that maybe it will help me look skinnier. i don't know what to do the pain is soo bad that i cant even bend over sometimes and i have to take laxatives like every week to go to the bathroom. any suggestions i'm asking for help so please feel free to e-mail me at redxck###aol.com. thanks alot!!


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## angeleyes1216 (May 5, 2004)

its me again i put the wrong e-mail it's redxckm###aol.com thanx again!!


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

angeleyes, have you been checked by a doctor?


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## angeleyes1216 (May 5, 2004)

FOR IBS?? YES I HAVE I ALSO HAD A COLONOSCOPY DONE BECAUSE MY FATHR HAD COLONITIS AND COLON CANCER. THE DOCTOR HAS DIAGNOSED ME WITH IBS AND HAS GIVEN ME ZELNORM BUT I REALLY DONT FIND ANY RELIEF, I'M LUCKY IF I GOT TO THE BATHROOM ONCE A WEEK EVEN WITH THE MEDICATION.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Have you visited the Constpiation board? That is where I got many of my ideas to get my 'C' under control. I take magnesium and fiber, lots of water, in addition to the Zelnorm. Maybe try adding 200mg of magnesium oxide or citrate (capsules) at night and take the zelnorm as your doctor prescribed. I had to play around alot with the zelnorm dose to get it right. Good luck. See you on the Constipation board. REad all the posts you can and start trying new stuff---one at a time so you will know what works and what doesn't. You will get lots of support! Good luck. Tiss


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## KarenP36 (May 24, 2001)

Well I think it sounds like a form of OCD too. On top of having depression and anxiety, I have OCD, depression and adult ADD, so my mind is pretty much mincemeat. My father passed on his depression and anxiety to me. Too bad he didn't pass on his ability to do algebra and calculus. Anyway....I too am a hypochondriac. Actually what my old doctor calls it is somatization disorder. It's where every problem you have turning into a physical symptom and every symptom in your mind sends out a terror type message that something horrible is going on. It works very well with anxiety to make you think you're going to die. If I get a bad headache, I think it's a brain tumor or an aneurysm. If I get sharp pain in my chest, oh, it's a heart attack coming on. If the back of my knee hurts, it must be a blood clot. UNFORTUNATELY, this is not good for me being a medical transcriptionist...that only fuels the fire but I need to work and home and need to make money for my family.So, you are not alone. I really do hope you can work up the courage and find a psychologist or someone to talk to. Your plate is really full and it sounds like it might help to have someone to help you sort it all out.. Good luck!


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## rarr (Nov 2, 2003)

I have very similar problems as a lot of you and I was just wondering if it makes more sense to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist? is one better than the other? I understand that a psychiatrist can administer drugs and a psychologist can't...but is one better for making sense of my thoughts? issues? etc..I am currently having the hardest time getting over a bad month of D/anxiety/stress/depression....I've had IBS for as long as I can remember, but it didn't get really bad until I moved away from home 2yrs ago for uni and it really went crazy when finals came around..it got to the point that I would be soo worried and stressed out that I couldn't sleep and when I'd eat..I'd get sick..so I stopped eating..and I basically faught with all of this..while losing friends..lost my job..missed many events and classes. I managed to make it through finals this past april and now my roomate/bestfriend(she knew I had IBS) has moved away for the summer and I am alone. I'm finding this very lonely and it's made me realize that I am depressed..some of the thoughts that go through my head constantly are about to drive me crazy...I'm so tired of staying home...of not being able to keep a job..of saying no to friends that are still trying to be there for me..(all for fear of getting D while out). I'm scared that I'll never have a semi-normal life again at least. I'm not even sure where to start with treating myself..I'm only 20 and have soo many dreams..and soo many things that I've envisioned myself doing/experiencing...I just want to know that I can at least go out again. I'm not sure if it would be a good idea to try some meds of some sorts..maybe for anxiety or depression or immodium or what?? I'm so lost. I have been reading a lot on this site and I've done a lot of research on IBS..I also bought Heather Van Vorous' book which I found amazing..but I just need a bit of advice on what to focus on? or what my main prob. is? I know I prob. sound like I'm asking for a miracle..but I just need a little guidance...I feel I am letting my family and others down as well as myself.I have an apt. with my doctor in the next couple of days so any suggestions on what I should talk to her about would be very helpful and I'd really appreciate it. Thank You.


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## california123 (Jun 8, 2003)

Hi Karyno,I would print out what you typed here and read it to your doctor...make him or her either listen to you or read it themselves. I think that is a great place to start. Anxiety can cause your D and depression can make it difficult for you to do anything about it. I was in your situation, for very different reasons, and my GP recommended a psychiatrist who got me on the right meds and helped me to figure how to get more control of my life. Things can get better, believe me. Take care.


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## charmedimsure (Apr 14, 2004)

Hi Karyno!If you don't know what exactly to talk to the Dr. about before you go perhaps you could do a life timeline. Basically sit down by yourself, get comfy and make a list of all of the important events of your life (good or bad). Get a specific sense of where you have been and where you are going. By writing the events and then reflecting on them you might notice some patterns or something might just stick out for you. Then you can select the most important to tell the Dr. It may be hard to share them all on the first visit but if you find some big ones you can start your session with those. And remember there are good therapists out there and yucky ones. It is important to find the right one for you. There is nothing wrong if when calling the therapist you tell them upfront that you would like an initial consultation to make sure they are the right fit for you. Hope this helps!


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## Shadowz (Feb 26, 2003)

Yikes I scored 12/20 on the OCD test , thats bloody scary. I knew I had anxiety issues and have had all my life , never really knew to much about OCD untill recently. I used to repeat a lot of things when I was a child , dont really do that anymore thou , but still 12/20 is a lot !!!!Ashleigh im a slight hypochondriac myself and like u I always imagine its something very very very serious , I have been like that all my life , I remember when I was 12 I was so convinced I had a brain tumour that the doctor wanted to do a scan. I have had a nasty childhood dont know if that has anything to do with anxiety or not.Anyway I wish you all the best and hope you get all the help and support you need on here


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## ashleighjordan (Apr 28, 2004)

Thank you, shadowz. I've actually been able to sit down and let myself think about all of the things that have happened and what has triggered the panic and anxiety. if I sit and tell myself over and over that everything is okay, my heart rate drops and my hands stop shaking...eventually. Mind you, it hasn't gone away for good. everyday there is still a part of me that sits there and says, 'what is this dry spot? psoriasis? oh my god why does my back hurt there...I've gotta have a kidney infection...' etc. I'm trying real hard to get over this on my own...I DON'T want to go on meds...so we'll see how long this good stuff lasts.







Ashleigh


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## Jen61 (Apr 25, 2004)

Hi Ashleigh,I can completely relate to you. I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder and also IBS. The anxiety disorder became severe 12 years ago after having my first child. I could not function as a "normal" human being and would obsess about everything ... dying, being terminally ill etc. I went to many doctors and none of them understood. Finally, I was able to get in with a new doctor who diagnosed me almost immediately. It took a few months to find the right meds for me, but we finally got it under control. I didn't want to be on meds either, but taking my medication changed my life, my reactions to things, generally calmed me down. I do not obsess anymore ... I can have a "normal" life (except for the IBS) ... you really might want to think about meds more ... being on meds does not mean you are crazy ... it just helps take the edge off and allows you to function and have a fulfilling life. Once you have been on meds for a couple of months you won't believe that you were ever against them. You won't know how you survived before. You might want to discuss this with your doctor so that you are comfortable with the idea.


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## Emmab2003 (Apr 22, 2004)

Anyone know if there is a connection between OCD and IBS or if a lot of people tend to have both? I know I do.


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Seems to me to be related. I have so many obsessive rituals around my bathroom habit that are definitly compulsive!


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