# summer



## geomv (Aug 9, 1999)

Help! School is out in 3 days, and although I'm looking forward to my summer vacation I need some ideas of some things to do. Because I suffer from depression with fibro, when I'm off work for an extended period of time, I start experiencing the old feelings of no self worth, like I should still be working. I don't understand these feelings I get. It scares me because if I can't stay busy I get down on myself and I end up feeling rotten, like I don't deserve to be off work or something. I'm really worried about this, because I know this is going to happen. Then I get the feeling that life isn't worth living. I must be nuts. I do have a beach trip coming up in July, but for the month of June, nothing. I should have applied to work in summer school. Too much time on my hands really scares me. Can anyone understand what I'm trying to say? I can only do so much housework because I get too tired. I'm just a mess. When I read what I've just written I sound like a NUT!! I'm really not, I just know I've done this so many times and I'm scared of these feelings. Anybody have any ideas for me??


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

geomv, You know I do understand exactly what you are saying, because I feel the same way. I hate the guilt. At least you have a job. I had to quit mine because of my stooling problems after antibiotics. Heck, I feel guilty because I can't help out at home like I used to or go for a long walk without having to take a break. I was brought up on a farm, the only girl, middle child. I worked hard all my life. I had my first job when I was 16. The jobs I did were always physical other than the ones I had while I was in college. I go to the store, and think as they check me out, I should be working like that. The fact is my bowel condition has not stabalized enough yet since the infection. I'm confused as to what to do, stay on the Diflucan or go off. I have cut down on it because I'm worried that it can cause liver damage. My alka phos. level is up, and I just had a more defining blood test today to see if they can find out where the cause might be. The Diflucan, I feel helped me alot. I'm afraid to go off and afraid to stay on. I have read things, and heard things from doctors that are conflicting. I'm afraid to go back to work because my stamina is approx. 4hrs. in a sitting job, and 2hrs. in a more physical situation. I can't get any GI doc to admit that the antibiotic caused the problem, that it could have been a fungal problem, or that will consider me disabled during the time of onset of my symptoms until the Diflucan and low sugar diet worked. The judge will not take the word of my Allergist. We can't go on vacations or fix our aging house up like we want to. My husband is thinking of getting a second job to do so, which makes me feel more guilty. I try to keep myself busy doing this, that, and the other. I don't get as depressed like I used to when I was in pain and curled up in bed because of it. I know I'm doing the best I can with what I've got, and am trying to ready myself with jobskills at the adult learning center to find one of those cushy sitting jobs. If time heals all wounds, I hope it heals this abdominal discomfort now and the guilt along with it. God bless you geo. I doubt if I was much help, but at least you know you have company!


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## geomv (Aug 9, 1999)

Thanks, moldie for your input. I know I've got plenty of company, but I have a hard time remembering that when I'm feeling sorry for myself. I will probably spend a more time on my puter, that will something to do besides mope around thinking I should be out somewhere working. I keep thinking if we weren't drowning in a sea of debt I would not feel this way, because I don't see anyway to get from under all this mess. I start thinking about it and it makes me sick. I worry and worry but it doesn't do any good, just makes things worse. I have to tell myself everyday to be positive. Sometimes it's just too hard.


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

I thought of an excellent idea to keep you busy this summer geo. Volunteer! Some might even pay you! You could offer to help out at church more, do Meals on Wheels in your community, Tutor someone (I love doing it for the Literacy Council). There is always an organization wanting help somewhere, even if it's only for the summer. There are Shelters for unwed mothers, abused women, Rainbow Kids, YM/WCA, Summer school programs, Headstart, Nursing Home or Hospital volunteers, Rehab centers, Summer reading library program, Nature centers, or just join/take classes in something fun you always wanted to do. You probably have thought of this already. I've found the best way to feel better about yourself is to help someone else. It's the most selfish-unselfish thing you can do. Kind of a symbiotic relationship! Go geo!


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## geomv (Aug 9, 1999)

thanks, Moldie, for the ideas. Today was the last day of school, tomorrow I have things to do and my husband will be home, it's getting into next week I'm concerned about. weener sent me a paper on "Attitude" and I keep reminding myself that I have to keep a good, positive attitude> That is really a challenge for me sometimes. I just have to take it one day at a time. Thanks again.


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## Guest (Jun 11, 2000)

Hi Geo, I was thinking the same as Moldie, volunteer work would be the ticket! Even if you did just a couple days a week, it would give you something to look forward to. I understand your feelings. It took me a very long time to be happy with not being able to work. It is sad that our society puts so much of our self worth on our jobs.







It works for me if I can even plan one thing for the following day. With me it may just be unloading the dishwasher!! Good luck, plan things you've wanted to do but haven't had the time. Read a good book and eat popcorn!!! DeeDee


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## geomv (Aug 9, 1999)

Thanks for your reply, DSG. I ahve the hardest time sitting still to read, I think I have to have something to do every minute of the day. I'm certainly not hyper, I'm always exhausted; I don't know how to relax. This is probably something I've carried over from my childhood, which was not good. That is a good idea, I have some favorite books I can erad or I can go to the library. I've planned a trip to the mall for myself on Monday. I'll probably exhaust myself so I can relax when I get home. Thanks again, geo


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