# How to talk to my boyfriend about it



## 20082 (Sep 25, 2005)

I'm new here, I hope I find some help. The past year was my first in a long time of sobriety of drugs. With this sobriety I unveiled what practically my entire family has, which is social anxiety disorder with a side-order of IBS. Really, it's one that triggers the other.I'm in a strong and significant relationship and I'm an educated and intelligent woman, but this new issue seems to be one that I'm having the hardest time talking about. I guess I hardly understand it myself (the doctors are all very quick to throw me meds of all kinds), that's why I can't explain it in terms that are above and beyond just emotional.Really, I just want to curl up into a ball on the couch and stay in my house forever.I used to always be the girl that goes out all the time, the social butterfly, loved to go out every night of the week. Now the thought of a club or bar downtown makes my stomach turn and I get a panic attack while sitting on the loo. It's not the strangers that bother me, but in only really happens when I'm going out with friends.My boyfriend is also very smart, plus he's extremely articulate with his thoughts, maybe that's what makes this that much harder to talk about or explain. He's the only one that constantly thinks that he is in some way a trigger himself.Please, does anyone has any advice????-S.


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## Screamer (Aug 16, 2005)

Ummm not sure on this one. I guess he already knows you have IBS? My DH too thinks he is a trigger as stress sends my IBS out of control and whenever we don't get along so well he thinks it's his fault when I have to dash to the loo's a million times. I just tell him that it's not him, it's me. I am an anxious worry wort who if I have nothing to worry about will worry about nothing! Or make something up to worry about! IBS is just a part of me and my life. I have to deal with it, I know it affects him too and I hate that but I can't do anything about the bad days, so we just try to enjoy the good. Sorry I guess I'm not 100% sure on what you are asking. Do you need to know how to explain anxiety to him? Or IBS in general?


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## 20082 (Sep 25, 2005)

IBS I know he considers to just be diarrhea. I'm wondering how to explain the anxiety.


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## 19069 (Aug 30, 2005)

Why does your boyfriend think he's a trigger? What are the examples that make him come to this conclusion? Do YOU think he's a trigger?I struggle with anxiety issues too. My husband knows that it's part of my general response to the world, and doesn't usually take it personally. I tend to feel more relaxed with him at my side. But I still get stressed about certain things even if he's around.


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## Screamer (Aug 16, 2005)

I'd just tell him the truth. That you are a sensitive person who feels anxious easily and that generally triggers IBS which on top of the diarreah is pain, can be nausea and any other IBS symptom that you get. Tell him how the nerves make you feel when you are feeling anxious, for me it's like a big event is about to happen (only it's not) and I feel all jittery and over excitable (sp?). Or with stress, well I just feel like I could explode which of course causes my tummy to cramp up and then a bit later I'm visiting the loo. Show him this website, or others explaining IBS. This brochure http://www.ibsgroup.org/main/brochure.html is very good. It is basically explaining IBS to people who don't have it. I recommend reading it and thinking about showing it to your boyfriend. Hope this helps


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## 20327 (Jun 5, 2005)

Let's face it, dating a person with IBS can be annoying and frustrating. If you are in a serious relationship, real love can pull you through (I have that, thank GOD). But if you are young and still part of the "downtown" scene in dance clubs and bars, etc., then IBS can be difficult since much of what happens in such places are triggers (the booze, the tension of being in a high noise, high intensity, high interaction with strangers place). My partner and I are past all that, and spend most evenings at home with each other, and even then on occasions I feel embarrassed and feel like yelling "Save yourself! Just leave and and find someone with a healthy butt". But my partner stays with me, and even calms me down when I get discouraged and tense about IBS. I am learning to give everything to God. I never did that before. Why worry when you can pray all day? Even it if is merely a psychological ploy, it is a good one. I practice "peaceful mind, peaceful body" calming thoughts all day, and recite the 23rd Psalm to myself a great deal, trying to change those neural circuits of anxiety that trigger things. I will note that taking an anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication has greatly helped me, and I seldom have "D" anymore, so I have no fear of going out on the town. My only fear is going out for a weekend, since I feel obliged to bring along all these fiber supplements and soluble fiber foods (like sour dough bread and oatmeal) which my stomach expects and handles very well. As far as a boyfriend, I think something like IBS can test his metal and his sincerity. I think YOU have to decide whether he is a trigger for you. You would not believe some of the things I've discussed with my partner, e.g., "Is it normal for you to have a firm stool like a torpedo, then have some mushy stuff come out afterwards? As a normal person, do you ever have mucus? As a normal person, does your stool change day by day?" While our culture is horrified of discussing such things (while showing people constantly pointing guns at each other on TV as normality), I find if someone loves you, they will. Hell, my mom became so sick with cancer that I had to help at times get her onto the toilet and hold her body as she defecated. There are times when love and life itself demands that we get over our skitish nature and truly be there for each other.


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## 17079 (May 18, 2005)

> quote: You would not believe some of the things I've discussed with my partner, e.g., "Is it normal for you to have a firm stool like a torpedo, then have some mushy stuff come out afterwards? As a normal person, do you ever have mucus? As a normal person, does your stool change day by day?" While our culture is horrified of discussing such things (while showing people constantly pointing guns at each other on TV as normality), I find if someone loves you, they will.


 That was so well put. I'm a girl, and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 3 years. We're both 20, so fairly young. After a year of dating, we were sitting at a concert (I think it was Boston, if anyon's curious







) and just said "Hey, why don't we ever talk about gross stuff like pooping? and why don't we fart in front of each other yet?"...lol I know it sounds stupid, but it's true. He laughed at me and after that, we could talk about ANYTHING! He's got tummy troubles too, but I don't think it's IBS and he won't go to the doctor. He gets really bad D attacks about 1-2 times a month, but normally has normal BMs. And he almost always has a bellyache, and is bloated a lot. He looks pregnant somedays. But between the two of us, nothing is off limits. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have someone to talk to about my bellyache/pooping troubles.He doesn't quite understand the anxiety part of it. He knows and accepts that I won't ride in cars with anyone except him. And I won't go anywhere if I don't know where the bathroom is. I've never actually had an attack in public, but have really bad anxiety about it happening.


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## 21918 (May 16, 2005)

I think the anxiety with friends and not strangers is a matter of not wanting to let your friends down. With strangers, we don't really care if they think we are weird. We want to live up to what we perceive are our friends expectations of us. We are afraid of the rejection we might feel if our friends found out there is "something wrong" with us.


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