# Anxiety and Shame



## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)

Aaron Beck the noted cognitive therapist says in his book, "Anxiety Disorders and Phobias" that most anxious people are afraid of experiencing shame and that to get over one should deliberately put oneself in a position where one is likely to experience shame. He says, "To desensitize yourself to shame, you have to give yourself therapeutic doses of shame. After you have reached the therapeutic level necessary, your shame will noticeably become less of a problem". This procedure can be used whenever a person has avoidance problem.We IBSer's suffer from anxiety for fear of having accidents- whether it be accidents of passing stool or gas accidentally in public.I found this to be so true. Because I was so afraid of passing gas in public I avoided going out in public and became a hermit. These last few years I have had a job but I have deprived myself sometimes of food the whole day to avoid this shameful experience of passing gas in public.Well I decided to deliberately pass gas in public after reading this book and I survived. I did this in the anonymity of a plane and I realized I didn't even have to look at the other passengers for reactions if I didn't want to. To think I have been afraid of travelling because of this fear! I have since then passed gas in other places deliberately and I survived. I haven't as yet taken the step of doing that with people I know other than my hub. And also I think I will have to look at the reactions of people when I deliberately pass gas to fully integrate this desensitization of shame experience. I have a line provided by Evie just in case to say to people in case they get in my face- "If you are writing a book , please leave this chapter out...Thank you." Thanks Evie.Sometimes it might not be possible to have the direct experience of an accident, of the nature IBSers have, in an experiment. But he says find other situations where you might experience shame and deliberately put yourself in it and see how it feels. you do this often enough you will get desensitized to it. You will realize it is not as bad as you imagined it either. I think for example, if you are afraid of the shame caused by accidentally passing stool , you might want to deliberately pass gas. Or just put yourself in other social situations which are bound to cause a feeling of shame in you. Or if you fear disrespect put yourself deliberately in situations which you think will cause people to respect you less. For example go to a meeting in informal clothes. Also he says to use an imagery technique. Close your eyes and picture the earliest memory you have of a distressing situation as similar to the one you are undergoing. You will notice a close fot to the experience you are currently undergoing with the memory as far as feelings and bodily sensations are concened. I found when I did that I was expecting to be slapped for passing gas and the earliest memory I had was of being slapped by my father for disrespecting him.He says identify the underlying belief in both the current experience and in the memory. My underlying belief in the memory was that if I disrespect my father he will hit me. Also if I am not perfect I will be hit. In the current situation of passing gas I had a similar belief- if I disrespect people and am not perfect by passing gas they will hit me. Once I identified it I realized how silly it was.Well this what I have learnt from the books cognitive therapy so far. It would be interesting if other people could share what their fears are if they have an accident and what memories they come up with in the imagery technique I described.


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## trbell (Nov 1, 2000)

Bravo, bonniei!(I'd put a message icon here but I can't figure them out)Bada


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2003)

I've read more than one book on the topic of shame. The author of one of the books turned out to be a hypnocrite and proceeded to shame her clients during therapy.Shame is only good in the sense that it keeps us from hurting each other. When taken to the extreme, it only works to make our problems worse.Evie


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## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)

Thanks Tom!Evie I wonder if she was trying to give the therapeutic dose of shame. I don't know what that author exactly did and I am not sure I want a therapist who shames me without telling me that it is going to be therapeutic and done deliberately. What was the name of the book?I agree shame is a necessary emotion at most only to prevent us from hurting each other. Unfortunately we carry shame and are shamed for too many other things.


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## trbell (Nov 1, 2000)

Bravo again, bonniei. Arguing about who's right rarely helps people as Mike suggested. As jeff said this forum is to help people who want to try CBT and hypno, not for arguments about who is right.Bada


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## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)

Please stay away from the jeering and cheering on this thread folks







. I am new to this forum and am open to my ideas being discussed but not in a way which brings the jeerers in.


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## Guest (Aug 11, 2003)

Bonniei.... trust me, this therapist was not attempting to deliver "therapeutic shame". She lost her objectivity and allowed her own anger to govern her actions. She may have been the exception, however, so I don't want to make it appear as if all therapists routinely shame their clients.Glad you have been able to work at putting some of the shame on the backburner where it belongs. Sounds like you have been able to implement some good shame management techniques.Evie


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## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)




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