# The things people say?



## editor (Jun 20, 2004)

Hi everyone,tried to post this earlier, so if it doubles, sorry!Anyway...I read through the really informative online leaflet provided by this board for people with IBS - you know the one where you can print it off and give it to friends and family?Well: I was thinking, wouldn't it be a good idea to have something similar for anxiety? I'm working on a project for anxiety right now, and the more I think about it, the more I think this info would be a great resource to have. Plus, if it helps to make other people begin to understand what it is we actually go through, then yay!I started to think about wha tpeople have said to me in the past, you know, stuff like: "pull yourself together!" "calm down!" "stop worrying" -because we all know that's really helpful, right?!







So that I can write something to encompass as many different experiences as possible, would any of you mind sharing the things that people have said to you, which isn't helpful and which drives you bonkers? Also, what would you like them to say instead? What could they do (or say) that when you go into an anxiety meltdown, might make you feel better?Thanks for reading!


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## AlmostFamous (Apr 11, 2004)

Things that aren't helpful:"Just stop worrying/focusing on it and it will go away""Will you stop already? You're worried about nothing"HelpfulThing that helped me when I had an anxiety attack about going into a concert for no reason):"You're just nervous because you're thinking about what could go wrong. Just go inside -you know you'll have fun. You need to replace your negative experiences with positive ones." "They're just feelings- you can make them go away as quickly as you brought them on. Refuse to react" (read this on a board somewhere)


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## LUCIA (Nov 1, 2000)

Here is one for you. "Snap out of it"!!! My answer is "I WOULD IF I COULD". We, who meet people who don't get anxiety attacks will never ever understand what we are going through. The only thing we can do is help others when they are having an anxiety attack and explain to them that the anxiety will pass soon and just stay with them in a cool place and put cool water on their face to help relax them. I have done that with family members.


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## Maria Z (Feb 20, 2001)

Hi,I would just like to add that I hate when people tell me to have "COURAGE!" Whether it be about anxiety, depression or whathaveyou. When you are in the midst of an emotional situation that you cannot control, no amount of COURAGE will help. If COURAGE would help, then I think the majority of us wouldn't have these problems.That's my input. Thanks.Maria


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## editor (Jun 20, 2004)

Wow, that's great. Thanks guys!Ahhh..the courage thing! I think everyone needs to have a [short







] dose of IBS and anxiety, then we'lll see who is lacking in the courage department.


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## Jessica Espinoza (Oct 27, 2002)

I helps me if I feel understood and not judged. Instead of stop being antisocial I would like to hear, I'm hear for you if you need a shoulder to cry on


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## Samot (Apr 21, 2004)

About that courage thing, someone far wiser than me once said that "courage isn't about not being afraid, courage is about being afraid but doing it anyway".Samot


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## KarenP36 (May 24, 2001)

Samot I like that, I have to write it down...It is very frustrating to deal with people who have no idea what a panic attack is or what "free floating anxiety" is. Most people will say, "just calm down, everything will be okay" but then seem like you're a little nutty. After I knew what my panic attacks were it was a huge AHA MOMENT for me. I had watched my father have them as a small child and they terrified me. He thought he was dying, begging us to call an ambulance. My sisters would laugh and say he was just a hypochondriac. After I started with them about 17 years ago I realized that was what he was having. Now sadly my 13 year old son has had a few of them. Luckily I knew what they were and was able to calm him down. When I have mine now (breakthrough ones because the Zoloft does keep most of them at bay...) I try to "talk myself down". I try to only use the Xanax as a last resort.


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## freya29 (Sep 7, 2004)

Jcervantes, I completely agree. In fact, I have very little trouble being social with those who fully understand my problem, and know how to help me through it should I begin to feel panicked. Most of the time when I'm out, and not well, I do feel as if I am being judged. I'm sure that we are not being judged, but it's hard not to feel that way.


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## HELP4IBS (Sep 14, 2004)

lUCIA, I COMPLETLY AGREE WITH YOU. A COLD TOWEL WORKS WONDERS, ALONG WITH KIND, UNDERSTANDING WORDS. I FIND THAT A GENTLE SQEEZE ON MY ARMS BRINGS ME BACK SOONER. SOMETIMES I CANT FEEL MY ARMS OR LEGS. SOMEONE REMINDING ME THAT THEY ARE THERE WITH ME REALLY HELPS. TERRY


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## lyonskitten (May 15, 2003)

hello all. This is probably a little off subject, but I just need some one to talk to. My husband informed me yesterday morning, that he wants a divorce. He is tired of me being sick all the time. I have severe IBS(A). I won a court hearing in which the judge found me to be disabled because of the severity of my condition. This is my second marriage. In my first marriage, my husband made enough money to support all of us, so I never had to ask the government for help.After 16 years of marriage to an alchoholic however my IBS had gotten so much worse so we opted for divorce. Now because of my lack of work history, I am not eligible to collect disability, just SSI(which is to supplement my current husbands income. Anyway before I married my now husband, I told him all about the IBS and panic attacks. He even researched it and told me that he could handle anything as long as I wasn't an alchoholic. WHich I am not.Well after almost three years of him losing job after job and us becoming so finacially in debt which by the way has ruined my credit, My stress level is through the roof once again causing big problems with my IBS. And now when he finally gets a decent job making good money, he can't handle being married to me anymore! My God it hurts so much to hear that. I packed up my two kids, gave away all my pets (he got to keep his dog) and moved away from my entire family to move here to Amine to live with him where all his friends are and all his family is. I just feel like I could die! I nursed this man through 3 surgeries! I rubbed his back almost every night and was very affectionate. I told him I loved him hourly. I massaged away his headaches. I stayed up nights watching him breathe until he was diagnosised with sleep apnea and now wears a breathing machine at night. I take care of his ailing old dog every day. The house is kept clean and dinner is onthe table almost every night except sometimes after a serious bout when I just can't get moving. He say's he might as well be single because my being sick alot keeps me from going out alot. What more does he want from me. I hate living like this myself!!!! I hate IBS. I hate Panic attacks, and right now I don't particuliarly like myself. I want to be normal. I was fine with my limitations until he made me feel less then human. I don't think I'm a bad wife. I never spend money on myself. I never ask for jewelry or for fancy clothes, nothing like that. All I wanted was a warm home and to be loved unconditionally. Sometimes the I think the only way to get that, is to advertise that I am looking for a male who also has IBS. Sorry for running off like that, I just have no one to turn to right now. Thanks for listening.


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## Maria Z (Feb 20, 2001)

lyonskitten,First and foremost, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I don't know you or your husband, obviously, but it sure sounds like you have been there for him through some rough times. I guess he's forgotten that when you took your vows it was for better or for worse and in sickness and in health. If he is that selfish that he can't stick by you during your "worse and sickness" times and help you get better, then you know what? He doesn't deserve YOU and YOUR goodness. You sound like a very caring individual and you don't need anyone in your life to make you feel bad about an illness that is no fault of your own. When folks don't understand what we go through, I always tell them, you can never understand it unless you've lived it. People can certainly try and be compassionate about any illness or situation for that matter, but no one really knows what it's like until they've experienced it themselves. If your husband ever develops another illness, serious or not, and comes crawling back to you - well, that's your call, of course, but I'd give him a taste of his own medicine. Why not print out some of the other stories we post here on the IBS board and show him what others go through. I do that for my husband once in a while just as a reminder on how difficult this is for so many people.We all have our sad stories to tell, and I'm very sorry you're going through one right now. You can keep writing if it makes you feel better. We're all here to listen, and we certainly do understand completely how IBS can be so devastating to people's lives. Be good to yourself, and remember it's not your fault.Maria


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## lyonskitten (May 15, 2003)

hello maria. Thanks so much for your kind words. I spoke with my husband yesterday afternoon and he apologized profusely. He told me that he was stupid and just stressed out. He wants to make the marriage work, so I'm not totally sure what the future holds for us but at least there is now hope. Once again thanks for responding.


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## Maria Z (Feb 20, 2001)

lyonskitten,Glad he came to his senses. I truly hope everything works out for all of you. I can empathize completely with the stress level this disease can cause, but for "better or worse..."







Good luck.Maria


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