# I'm really sorry, i'm not having a good time.



## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

I'm really sorry everyone, i did say to BQ that i would promise to be happy, but its not quite working out how I planned. I tried to explain to my mum how i'm feeling and she knew how i felt. Its a family trait apparently.The only way i can describe it is a feeling of impending doom. Its quite scary. My mum says that sometimes my Grandma has that feeling, calls my mum and discovers that mum is not happy or something like that. Only, when i get that feeling nobody calls me to see if i'm ok. I really hate feeling like this, i'm crying as i type this. I just want someone to come and give me a huge hug and tell me not to worry. But even saying that i don't think will make les difference. I'll probably feel better when i finished some of this coursework. BUt i get the feeling that its not the coursework thats getting to me. I really can't put my finger on it. Its quote disconcerting.My mum keeps telling me that she loves me but everytime she says it it makes me cry. I'll see you all later. I'm going back to university now.Spliff


----------



## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

Spliff, hugs to you.







This is something I think its very important for you to do when your more under control with all the work you have.Start thinking about talking to a therapist and start working on where you can find one. I think this will be a huge help to you in getting your thoughts more under control and some of the feeling you are struggling with right now. It will only help you and guide you. i say this only for your concern and well being. Life is a work in progress. I am glad you talk to your mom, that is a good start and communication is a must. That will also get better with time and communication.Hang in there and hugs to you Spliff. I hope this post I hope is not taken harshly by you, in no way is it that, its to guide you to where you can get help with this all and for your better health. Right now everything I am sure is a struggle with so much going on it seems overwelming and hence you can get the feeling of impending doom. Thats the feeling in part of being overwelmed with life.


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

"Promising" lol isn't gonna do it for ya Spliff. I know you meant well. But I never meant for you to 'will' yourself to happiness. I know that isn't really possible. But I could tell you were overwhelmed and I just shared what I do/did when I get to feeling that way.I agree with Eric that a therapist would be really helpful to you. I know I found a therapist's help invaluable when I needed one. I was able to get lots of work done and was able to feel much better in a fairly short period of time.So when ya get a moment, ask around for a good one near you. ((((((((Spliff)))))))))Hold on to any positive thoughts you can and I know it doesn't seem like it will, but everything will work out. It always does. XO  BQ


----------



## Lauralee (Jan 4, 2002)

(((((((Spliff)))))))Hang in there. Don't worry, everything WILL work out and be ok. Just remember that there are those of us here who think about you every day and care how you are!  Laura


----------



## Guest (Apr 26, 2002)

How could anything you say be taken harshly by me Eric?







I do hear you, i really do. I'm just really funny about the idea of "therapy". I'm being silly when there is no need. I'm much better about things when i'm with people, but not exactly a barrel of laughs. I'm sure i have been a complete pain this last year for the people i have been living with. The Chinese Student thought i was evil (someone told her it for a joke and she didn't understnd the sarcasm-I had to chuckle at that one).I might have to watch my Austin Powers or Monty Python. They always make me laugh when i am sad. I think that work load has all just got a bit much. I'm nearly finished one essay, so hopefully it will be easier after all that. I certainly hope so.







Me and my mum get on a lot better since i moved out. I miss her a lot sometimes, we speak everyday. I find things initially quite difficult to talk to her about but then i think "Who else am I going to be able to talk to about this?" So i swallow my pride and tell her. She'd be so upset if i told her half the things i tell you lot, so i do censor some of what i actually tell her, but she gets the general gist.







Earlier on, i just felt so horrible.







I just could not shake this awful feeling. The other day I had this horrible dream that i was blind. I was crying my eyes out in my dream and i was sure i must have been crying in my sleep. It was very disturbing. I wokeup, realised it was a dream and then went back to sleep and the dream carried on. I'm thinking maybe i wasn't awake at all and just dreamt that iw as awake. I'm confused.







That dream set me all wrong for the rest of the day.Oh dear, i'm such a basket case!







Thanks for the hug Eric, BQ. Much appreciated.Spliffy


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Nik, So in your less sillier moments, ya think you could consider the therapy???







It really will help and it is NOTHING to be ashamed about. Just make sure you get a good one. Cause I really think it would be tremendously beneficial for you. I felt _so_ much better after I went to one and I guess I want that for you too.







BQ


----------



## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Its not that i won't consider it, or that i'm ashamed. I have been before. I just didn't like it. Or maybe it was the person I didn't like?







ARGH?


----------



## JackieGian (Mar 23, 2002)

Please, please, please all you guys hesitating about getting therapy -- GO!!! and if you don't like the therapist keep trying till you find one who can help you.


----------



## Guest (Apr 26, 2002)

I have been asleep for less than an hour and have had a whole string (possibly the same) of dreams. They are all muddled up now, but were terrifying when they happened. I have also been biting my lips! Weird!The first one i remember was like in a shopping centre and the stairs were moving too quickly. My friend was there on the stairs above me tewlling me to cdome out with them. I couldn't move properly because the moving stairs were too fast. At the top, we had to get back down again on a really high/steep slide. I wouldn't go down and was crying. He took me down in the lift. Then i think i woke up, decided i felt dizzy and went back to bed.Then the next one was in my room at uni, the doctor from some TV show was in my room and he tried to take advantage of me, i had cut my finger or something. Thats all i can remember.Then, i was in my house, not my house, but my friends house, i recognised it. Friend grom primary school. I was on the internet. Then i kept seeing things moving in my room. I went out and my friend was trying to get rid of all these cats. NOrmal cats but they were bigger. With evil faces. I went back in my room into bed and there were 3 in a sleeping bag on my floor. I didn't realise and was kicking it. One ran away but there other one lashed out at my bare feet (i hate feet too ugh) and he was digging in its claws. I was yelling for someone to help me but i couldn't scream. I woke up then and i actually shouted out loud. I know i did because thats what woke me up. I was thinking what am i doing?That was all in less than an hour. They may all have been the same dream. It felt when i went to sleep tonight that although i was soo tired it was so difficult to sleep and ive been tossing and turning since i went to sleep.I don't know if i can go back to sleep now. I don't want to dream about cats and heights anymore.


----------



## Ks-Sunshine (Aug 23, 1999)

Nikki, dear, Please do go to therapy. You and I have spoken about this in the past. you are a dear person and you deserve better. You may find that your load is a lot lighter once you get started with it. We all care about you and want you to be happy and well. Big hugs to you. Things will be ok. Just get some help for yourself. Don't go through life being miserable.


----------



## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

Nikki, one scary thing about dreams is how realistic they can be. This sometimes takes a while to come down from but eventually we do.







I think we should go over some other things with you to, I was thinking about the tiredness and the first thing that popped into my mind on that besides the stress load your under is how well your eating. Eating is the fuel and its important so lets go over that part also.Hang in there kiddo, as Gloria Gaynor in an old disco song said, "I will survive."


----------



## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

sent ya an emaily... thinking of you ((HUGS))


----------



## Guest (Apr 26, 2002)

I'm glad John was awake and online when i woke up! I suppose it was only about 8.30 where you are though. When I look back and read what i wrote i have no idea why I was scared? Does't really looked scary apart from the evil cats. That was just odd. The weird thing was, througuout when i was dreaming i was thinkng, oh my god, i'm so tired, why can't i sleep. But i was asleep. Really odd.I don't remember dreaming anything else last night so it can't have been that bad. I actually don't feel so sleepy today. I bes not speak too soon.Naughty me again, i'm going to my trombone lesson at 10am without having eating a thing! Opps.Thanks for the email Marilyn! I'll mail you back later on.Eric, I love that song.Spliffy, opps, wrong username, i never noticed that!NikkiSue


----------



## Guest (Apr 26, 2002)

Damn, after i cleaned everything up on my computer I logged in under the wrong username. Maybe I shuld give NikkiSue a go for a while







.Eric, your right. I probably, no i know i don't eat properly. But it is really difficult to eat properly when your a student. Everything in the canteen drips with grease and only serves from 12.2 anyway, so I tend to miss it because i work those hours. So its whatever is in my cupboard i'm afraid. Which isn't that much. Pasta, er...tinned soup (thanks grandma-always buys me loads and loads of chicken soup when i don;'t even like it!) They only time i _do_ eat properly is when i go home for the weekend and mum cooks and makes me eat. When i'm working really hard i don't have time for food.







I am going to work in a bit and have still not had time to eat yet. I will regret it i know i will. I'll grab something on the way. I never seem to have any time for eating! My flatmate is ALWAYS stuffing his face! I might have to get my mum to cook me something for every day of the week and freeze it so I can defrost as needed!







You know, after last night i can still remember my dreams. Normally i forget them by the morning but i still remember these!Eric-I don't think realistic is quite the right word for lightening speed moving stairs and giant evil domestic cats! LOL







The thought of them scratching at my feet just makes me quiver. Ugh!


----------



## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

You'll be pleased to know that i didn't have any more weird dreams about violent cats or moving stairs. In fact, i can not remember any dreams since those ones! I have slept so much these last couple of days. I have almost finished one of my essays. ALl it needs in an introduction, conclusion, some quotes and maybe someone to make it sound like it wasn't written by four year old.Actually, thats still quite a lot to do on that one really isn't it? Oh god!


----------



## John (Aug 6, 1999)

Spliffington,No more weird dreams? Great!







I can never remember mine...perhaps it is best that you don't. Get lots of rest. Stay healthy,and wise. Good luck on your essays [you'll do fine







]and most of all...many thanks for the opportunity of conversing with you.







I'm heading to NYC soon. May you have a wonderful weekend.







My best to you, John


----------

