# Facing what IBS/anxiety/depression has been blocking



## 17429 (Jan 18, 2007)

Hey all, My IBS/anxiety/depression/social anxieties/agoraphobia, while real problems, have blocked other things. I just started a new job. Only one toilet in the place (that's what I needed). Also I just got over an ambien addiction, another blocker. The point is I am 34 and I have been running from things my whole life. My boss is ten years younger than me and I'm the one afraid, so afraid I am shaking, my mouth is quivering. She is just throwing information at me, so are others, and my mind is literally blank. I don't know if anyone understands this, all day everyday at every job I have have been daydreaming. It is how I could get out of painful situations. and when I am not doing that I am overwhemled and lost. So now I am staring over. No ambien, not overeating, getting up early and dealing with my ibs every morning before going to work and praying it doesn't happen during the day. And the thing that is making most sad, is trying to once change who I am, how I view things. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm a piece of ****. just a worthless rat bastard. I knew this. It didn't have to be proven, I just somehow knew always, that I was no damn good. And that always made sense, it fit. Now I am out here alone, I can no longer hide in ambien/alcohol/food. I can't even say I was just born to lose. Hell, after finding this website I can no longer tell myself that I was born damned, that I am the only one suffering. I am out in the world, alone, with nothing to block what is coming at me. trying to gain control of my life. And I am very scared. Plus ashamed of my age and that I missed the last 15 years, 15 ****ing years! Lost!. I am 34 but at times so immature, so left behind. I am ...very... very ashamed. Anyway, thanks for listening. I just got to take it day by day till things get easier. Thanks.


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## 21185 (Dec 31, 2006)

Welcome SteveYou know the first step in any "recovery" is knowing you have a problem. So you are headed in the right direction. If I were you, I'd get into some therapy for a bit to sort some things out. I suffer self-esteem issues also that I constantly have to work on.So, you are having a growing pain--that's good!Take care


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## 17429 (Jan 18, 2007)

Thanks for the support. I am and have been in therapy for a long time and your right, what I am going through is a positive growing pain. Something to go through and learn from. Thanks again.


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## evulienka (Jan 12, 2007)

Hi Steve ! Please donÂ´t say you are bastard. You are not because I see that you are thinking a lot about your life , you struggle with the pain every day , you go to work in spite of all the problems you have, you have much power when you can do this. People just donÂ´t understand how much it sometimes takes only to survive the day.


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## 17429 (Jan 18, 2007)

Thanks for the support.


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## 18478 (Mar 30, 2007)

Hi Steve...Hope all is going well with you at this stage. Don't give up! My IBS is definately associated with anxiety and stress issues.. most importantly control issues (which are a fundamental part of anxiety). That feeling of needing to be in control of something. For me, when I feel out of control, my body signals (clearly in my gut) mimic what I am feeling.. out of control. So take it easy on yourself. Re-direct some of your negative thoughts into positive ones and make small steps everyday so you feel like you have accomplished something. Everybody has issues, and some of us were not well instructed in our youth to figure out how to deal with life's challenges.. which for some can be simple day to day decisions. I do hope your treatment is going well.. chin up!


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## Jannybitt (Oct 13, 2006)

Hey Steve;Welcome to the board. Let me first let you know that you might not like the person you are right now, but everyone can change. I've made major changes in my life. I've been in recovery for 20 years now, but life was not great for me before that, and I had to be the one to ask for help and then be courageous enough to go through with it. You can make any change you want if you want it bad enough. And you are only 34, not 95!! My dad is 75 years old, and is finally changing. He got his family back, he's back with my mom after a 10 year separation, and he was a rat Bas**rd!An adulterer, a liar, a manipulator, a dry alcoholic. But, he has made leaps and bounds and I actually can have a relationship with him now. So, I shared that with you so you will know that there is hope, but you have to grasp it and work hard, and you're not alone! We are here to help!Welcome again!


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## miranda (Apr 16, 2004)

hi steve,you're not alone, anyone dealing with a chronic illness can feel the same. but don't blame yourself, your cognitions/thoughts are a result of your illness but don't reflect your true person. i know its hard not to live in the past and have regrets and bemoan the fact that you've missed out. but you have many years ahead of you, wouldn't you rather live those years and not feel your path is predetermined by your past?at work its good to have someone you can confide in, or just write on the board what you're thinking and feeling. i'm positive others will have similar feelings.take care, M


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## 14448 (Jun 14, 2006)

Hey Steve,I hope things get easier for you soon. Your post was really thought-prevoking.I relate to your anxieties about work. Last summer I started a full-time job in an office. I was anxious and very worried about how I'd cope with my IBS and social anxiety. My two bosses were female and scary, and I was on edge the whole time, so anxious to do things right I couldn't concentrate. On my first day I was told to make 500 photocopies of a letter, and accidently did them all on pink paper!







Things went from bad to worse. I didn't join in any of the office chat, I couldn't sleep at night and would cry before I went to work. I used day-dreaming as a form of escapism. I didn't dare eat at work and thought obsesively about food, childhood holidays, the novel I was writing- anything to take my mind off the present. Then I started taking benzos to get some relief, so was half-asleep as well. Every time there was a meeting I'd run to the toilet first and swig vodka from a flask in my handbag. After 2 months I got the sack- I was humiliated but SO relieved! The nightmare was over but my anxiety and benzo use continued, until I was taking oxazepam and clonazepam every time I had to go out, and became agoraphobic. It's taken me nearly a year to wean myself off them.I'm determined never to suffer like that again, even if it means never doing a proper job. I'm in my last year at uni and hope to be a novelist, a good way of channeling my over-active imagination whilst working from home. I'm going to pursue all other options too, even if it means living on disability allowance for a while. Eventually I want to marry, have children and be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I just want to feel SAFE and not have to face the world every day. Don't knock your confidence further by thinking of yourself as worthless and trying to change who you are. Accept who you are right now, be sympathetic to that person, and work on making your life more bearable. You are not alone! Good luck.


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