# Need advice about my husband ladies..fast



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

I have a husband that gets mad if I buy a new outfit without him seeing it on me first. I buy this with my own money, but he is always throwing it up "who pays for it anyway?" as if I don't work. He is driving me insane. If I buy a new outfit, he gets mad at me for spending the money. If I don't show it to him, he gets mad because "everyone else" got to see me in it first. Danged if I do, and danged if I don't. Any suggestions without World War 3?


----------



## SugarBabyDoll (May 27, 2004)

Sounds like your husband is a tad possessive... perhaps there is some underlying issues in your relationship?


----------



## kateandtink (Sep 1, 2004)

ah living with a dictator.... if you buy it doesnt matter, you dont question his new things what right has he got to question yours? ignore him... people get bored without response.


----------



## britchick (Oct 2, 2003)

My mother's partner does this so she buys what she likes and then, when he gets in from work says to him; 'I bought this today, but I kept the receipt in case you dont like it....what do you think?9/10 times he likes it (or feels flattered because she is asking his advice). But if he is being awkward and says that it's bad Mother will hide it for a week or two and then wear it anyway. He always recognises it as something he has seen before but never remembers that it is the outfit he pretended to dislike.Sigh...men. Cant live with them, can't shoot them.


----------



## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

As long as it isn't lingerie Rowe...he shouldn't get upset







That's the only thing he needs to be the first to see







My father always complained when my mom bought something...and she barely ever bought herself anything. For many years she didn't work, but that was what my father wanted...and even when she did, she didn't make much. This was not a woman that bought extravagant things either...she only buys things on sale...so to hear my dad ###### about it used to really anger me. Now that I am married I keep my money separate, in my own account. I pay for my things, he pays for his. I pay fewer bills than dh, but I don't make as much as he does and my money goes for groceries and stuff....but I have no desire to get a joint account. I don't want to have to ask if I want to buy something...and I don't want him to have to feel he has to ask me. Could you maybe put some of you money in another account for yourself? Either that or maybe ignore him, or tell him if he wants to see the outfits on you first he should start buying you some







.


----------



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Sugarbabydoll..he does want to control me. If I go anywhere, and I'm longer than he thinks I should be he questions why it took so long. I've never given him a reason to think I would be unfaithful. Never! He has me, but I haven't. IH8..







Too funny..He does throw it up to me I don't wear lingerie he has bought, but the last time I put one on, I walked in front of him and he looked at me like he was interested. I then went to the bedroom, and he continued watching t.v. until the movie went off about 30 mins. later! By that time, I was sleepy and so out of the mood. I also felt stupid.I just never thought we would be going through the problems we seem to have lately.


----------



## pffft (Feb 21, 2005)

wow. sounds like a control issue. i dont understand this obsession he has. have you two ever talked about it? perhaps you can humor him by letting him purchase outfits he sees on you first, and then you buy whatever you want with your money. if he wants to be so controlling, he can at least pay for it!







seriously, though. there must be other stuff going on. talk to him about it - or find a therapist to help moderate discussions between the two of you.take care


----------



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

I can't think of anything that would cause this problem. It's been going on since we've been married, and that is six years. He will go a while without saying much, and all of a sudden it seems to be such a big huge issue..I'm so confused..


----------



## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

Well if sometimes it is an issue and sometimes it isn't there may be something else that is just manifesting itself this way.I dunno if you can get hiim to talk about what is the issue (maybe when he feels confident at work it isn't a big deal but when things are going poorly it is)If he will talk you need to do it in a way that is not accusing him of stuff. More of an I notice that sometimes this seems to bother you and other times it doesn't and I'd like to know what is going on with that. More of the open-ended you aren't trying to get a specific answer out of him sort of talk. And avoid the "you always" and stuff like that which just puts people on the defensive.K.


----------



## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Make an appointment for marital counseling, Rowe, and do it now. The longer this goes on the more possessive he is going to get. You need to know why he does this and he needs to know it is not acceptable so that he can recognize and deal with the "why" behind it.


----------



## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

Rowe,Just out of curiosity, was he married before or ever with someone who cheated on him? Maybe past issues are causing him to become a little paranoid about your where abouts, or others seeing you first etc....or perhaps look into the kind of relationship his parents have. That may help to see if it is something he learned from his parent's relationship...or if being scorned in the past makes him this way. Also ask yourself if he is controlling in other ways. Maybe a marriage counselor can help...just to figure this out...or tell him it bothers you and see if he can lay off the comments for a while.Don't feel bad about the lingerie thing. My husband fell asleep on the couch watching TV on our wedding night and I fell asleep in bed waiting for him in lingerie (which I rarely wear by the way). So I slept alone on my wedding night. I felt ridiculous and haven't made that kind of effort since. He can take me in my ugly mismatched PJs.


----------



## me3 (Jul 21, 2000)

I'm beyond caring what my husband thinks, I do as I please. But I am a sale shopper and what usually works is if I tell him "the regulatr price was $100 but I got it on sale for $40 - so I SAVED $60". My kids and I have also noticed that if he gets cranky about money, it is because there is something that HE wants to buy. For example, this Christmas he kept telling us (and posting notes even) that we had to cut back on spending and have a small Christmas, which we did. So mid January he announces he is going on a month long vacation...leaving in 3 days! He likes to take trips staying in mid to low priced hotels and eating cheaply, no one in the family will go with him anymore.


----------



## Pat.. (May 27, 1999)

Rowe, this type of behaviour shows an underlying insecurity. As has been said, it may be because of issues in past relationships or he may feel "out of control" in his own World ie his workplace, his relationships with other members of his family. Have you asked him why this is such an issue ? Have you maybe suggested you shop together ? All I can say is dont look at it at face value, he is not just being mean. He needs reassurance but also needs to realise the strain it puts on your relationship.


----------



## Babe (Jul 7, 2004)

Rowe: In the "old days" when we were just starting out we pooled our money. I have always handled the bills, etc., and he never asked or cared how much I spent on myself as long as he knew the bills were paid and we were saving as much as he demanded. I noticed early in our marriage that he always referred to our money as "my money".So, after I had my youngest child I went to work part time and decided that we were now at a point where I could keep the (much smaller) pay check I made and spend it for things that I thought were important. (My clothes, family gifts, personal IRA account, my car expenses, etc.)My husband has never accepted this arrangement well. He is always wanting to know where I spend the money, checking the bank statement for this account when it comes in (which he doesn't on the joint account), questioning me about what I have bought, where my money went, etc.I agree with the others. It is a feeling that he has lost control of you. In my case, as long as all the money was where he could see it and--in the end--know that he could control it if he wanted to, he was happy. But this small amount that I have set aside as MINE drives him up the wall.And by the way--all of our joint assets are STILL "his"!


----------



## boxgirl73 (Jul 5, 2002)

not to cause any trouble but has he always been like this? or do you think he may be feeling guilty for some reason (IE: cheating again) and this is the way he deals with it.....whatever the reason, you don't deserve to be treated like a little kid...you are two equals-two adults-who married each other because you were in love. the way he treats you is lacking respect....how can he think he's treating you well? don't take this and if discussing this causes an argument or him to feel bad...TOUGH....he's just a man...there are many other men out there that would be happy to treat you with respect and the love that a husband should offer. i wouldn't take this from my husband....keep us posted


----------



## em.london (Dec 11, 2001)

I agree with some of the others. It sounds like he is very insecure. I think you need to talk to him about it and tell him how its upsetting you.HugsEm


----------



## KristinChrist (Oct 2, 2001)

I echo Feisty. This is not nomal behavior and is probably some underlying issue and I would seek counsel.He may not listen to you, but sometimes a man will listen better if he hears it from a doctor type....even maybe a church counselor....


----------



## me3 (Jul 21, 2000)

I was talking to some women my age about this awhile ago, we weren't friends just people attending a meeting together. We decided that it was sort of like a male menopause - men of a certain age suddenly get obcessive about not spending money and wear old out-of-style clothes till they are thread-bare - not saying men should be fashion-plate or anything, just presentable.Maybe you should have posted this in TMP to get some male perspective on this too.


----------



## RitaLucy (May 3, 2000)

Rowe,With all due respect to your husband... this is a red flag for sure.  He sounds insecure and afraid to lose control. A lot of people who are insecure can only feel secure while controlling the situations in their lives. Also, I have learned that any insinuations etc. come from their own reference points and not yours necessarily. My dad was the jealous type and he would on occasion make accusations to my mom because she was so well liked and at times he could not handle the attention that people gave her. He was the type who would flirt and maybe even take it farther than that... and it was his own reference point that he mouth off to her at times. Because he was like that he was so afraid that she might be.He sounds like a sensitive guy too...to notice what you are wearing in the first place and then notice when you have something new.. Not many men even notice.My husband only notices something new when he is either with me when I buy it or I ask him if he likes it after I buy it. Lingerie....what is that????







Kari. You are so funny.... you wedding night sounds like mine. We went home after the reception. Sometimes when I get really mad and even after 22 years of marriage I will get mad at my husband for it....


----------



## Babe (Jul 7, 2004)

I'm glad I'm not the only one with a wedding night story. We ate lunch at a seafood restaurant after a private ceremony and my husband got terrible food poisoning that evening in the motel. And, of course, being a big man about it he refused to let me take him to the hospital.He spent the whole night in the bathroom moaning and groaning for all the wrong reasons!!







He was sick most of the 2 weeks we had alone before our three kids came back from their grandparents!


----------



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Hi ladies, and thanks so much for your input. I think a lot of your responses combined helped me put my finger on the problem. I'm looking at an insecure/controlling man. I know I'll never get him to a marriage counselor or a minister to talk this over though.My husband is an extremely good looking man. Not just in my eyes, but others. He also likes to flirt. He has gotten better about it since we've married while he is around me. I think the male menopause thing is going on, too. It could possibly be the fact I work with so many men (uniformed)he feels I would flirt, too. I don't do that. I have no interest to do it. It's just a job, and these guys are friends, not potential lovers, and I've told him this over and over. He was also abused as a child from his drunken father. So, I guess I just need to realize he needs a little extra more than other men? He didn't appear to be this way when I first met him though. He also knows I was abused severely before I met him. We went together for two years before we married, and I was afraid really to marry again for the above reasons. We took it slow to be sure. He was also accused of running around by his first wife, and to be honest with you, I'm thinking he might have done it. He loves attention. Okay..time for wedding night confessions...I was so exausted from our wedding day, I fell asleep on the couch in my wedding dress..LOL


----------



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Okay! I've about had it..I came home from the drugstore, and my husband was home. He asked me if I knew a guy named so and so, and I said no. He said someone mentioned his name to him on the job, but nothing more. I sat and scratched my head trying to remember if I knew the name. After I thought he was convinced, he went in the bedroom and picked up a piece of paper with a phone number and man's name. I didn't recognize it, and it was my writing. He had that look on his face as if he had caught me in a lie.







I picked up the phone, dialed the number, and it was an Italian fast food place at the mall out of town. I still couldn't remember why I would have that number, and then it dawned on me. My DIL and I were at the mall a few months back, and I left my wallet at the counter. I called and talked to this guy. He told me he found it, and would hold it for me. I have lived through this before, and it is starting all over again!!! FOR NO REASON! I thought I'd never have to live this type of life again.


----------



## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

Well Rowe, he is being a bit paranoid, but it also explains his recent behavior. Perhaps he saw the number a while ago and thought maybe something was going on and didn't want to say anything and come across as paranoid....but maybe it was eating at him. Then anytime you take a while at the store or something he is wondering if his intial reaction to the number was right. You know, the imagination is a crazy thing, and he could have imagined all kinds of crazy things might be going on. It's not right of him, but perhaps this will blow over and he'll realize he is being paranoid. I was on his side of the fence once....but the person I was with was always lying and i was trying to get to the bottom of what he was trying to cover up. Anyway I know you aren't lying etc. so that part doesn't relate, but I can relate to what your husband is doing, although I don't understand why. Given his childhood though it kind of makes sense to a degree. I will explain that later as I am on the way to my parent's house...but it just has something to do with being abused and when your own parent doesn't come across as loving you, sometimes you find it hard to believe that others would love you unconditionally, since the person who brought you into this world doesn't (at least doesn't show it) I don't know if that makes sense. I'll explain it more later.


----------



## jenEbean (Apr 5, 1999)

Rowe, I am so sorry you are going through this, it is not a fun, relaxed way to have a marriage. During our first two years of marriage my hubby was the same way. He would check the mileage on the car before he went to work and then again when he got home. If there were many miles on it I would get grilled with questions. If I was at the store too long he would call all over town to everyone we know looking for me, then grill me when I got home. If I saw a guy I went to high school with on the street and spoke, good Lord...did I have explaining to do. Finally one day I got home from the grocery store and he started in again, where have you been, why did it take you so long, who did you talk to......etc, etc, etc. I just looked him square in the face and said "you know, I would never cheat on you, If you don't trust me, you don't love me, they are one and same as far as I am concerned. If you want to continue this behavior, you will do it out on your own. Pack your bags and leave or GET OVER IT"!!!! Thankfully, he got over it. We have been married for almost 35 years now. You just might have to take an "I'm tired of this behavior" stance with him. Sometimes it shocks them into sense.


----------



## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Agree with JenEbean, Rowe. Give him an ultimatum. Either he stops this stupid, possessive behavior and go with you to marriage counseling or it's time for him to leave until he can come to terms with his insecurities. Also, he should not be flirting. I don't care how attractive he is, he is a married man. Tell him to "grow up". He certainly has insecurities, Rowe, and I don't think he can just "get over it" on his own. He really needs some counseling and if you go with him for "joint counseling" perhaps he won't feel quite as threatened? You've done nothing wrong, Rowe. Hang in there.


----------



## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Rowe, call your local DVIS (domestic violence intervention service) and get a list of signs of an abuser. I hate to tell you this but he IS being abusive, which is all about control. Maybe he was abused as a child. Well, OK. So was I. But that does NOT give me an excuse to accuse my husband of cheating, follow him around, checking mileage, looking through his things to find numbers, demanding he show me what he buys, etc... You get the picture. I am sorry that so many women on this board are living with this kind of man or have experienced this! I would get to counseling ASAP and if he won't go, go alone so you can figure out why you are subjecting yourself to this person's control. BTW, this problem did not start with you nor did you cause it. It's been there from childhood and tends to take root in adolescence when controlling type behavior manifests if given the chance. It goes into adulthood unless a major intervention happens. Also, controllers (abusers) tend to go up & down in their behavior i.e. lovy dovy one minute to accusing you of cheating the next which keeps you off balance because of the inpredictability--it is often unconscious behavior however the damage it does is that it makes you walk on eggshells so you "don't do anything wrong to **** him off", or, you don't want him to "miscontrue anything". Not a good way to live! Good luck! Tiss


----------



## Babe (Jul 7, 2004)

Rowe: There is some good advice here, but every couple and situation is different. You have to do what is best for YOU. I'm sure that going to a counselor could have helped my marriage over the years, but I also know that my husband refused to go. So I went alone. Didn't do a bit of good. He didn't and wouldn't change and all the counselor could advise is either learn to change MY personality (which didn't seem to bother anyone but him) so he wouldn't have anything to complain about, realize that it wasn't my fault and ignore him, or leave him.Leaving is so much easier when you are young. I went that route once in my early 20s. As we get older--and let's face it, have more to lose both emotionally and financially--it's a lot harder.So, I guess what I'm saying is that only you can make the decision as to what is most important to you. People can give you advice, but it's up to you to decide if your marriage is salvagable to YOU!


----------



## SugarBabyDoll (May 27, 2004)

I agree especially with these last posts... i know its hard, but you deserve MUCH better treatment


----------



## jools41 (Jan 8, 2004)

rowe dont take my advice as criticism , here goes i was married for 17 yrs to the biggest plonker alive, to cut a long story short (i have to keep it short so i dont take up a lot of space on here) he was an utter CONTROL FREAK!!!! i was beaten on a weekly basis, he hated anything i wore and liked to have control of MY MONEY!that i worked hard for. These guys ha! if you can call them that are bullies and manipulators.i blame my x husbands military career in that he had to dictate and order me about i urge you to ditch this *** hole as my x started off like this then the beatings started, id hate to see you on here at a later date saying hes hit you. he also said i was sleeping with half the town god i wish lol i left him as in the end i would have killed him (not kidding) in self defence or hed have killed me


----------



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Thanks Julie, and to everyone else that has been concerned. I know I've been living in denial for most of my married years put together. I'm working on it though, and I just need a prayer said to give me the strength..


----------



## jools41 (Jan 8, 2004)

good luck rowe i hope you can work things out or move on.


----------



## jools41 (Jan 8, 2004)

ps: rowe my older sister is in a similar situation, shes not married to the guy but has been with him for 23 years, hes lazy and a real pig, after many unsucessful years myself and various family members have "given up" giving her advice, as she ignores it, shes had all her self confidence taken away from her by this "mutt" i really have never felt so frustrated in all my life, when i left my pig of a husband or adolph as i called him,lol i honestly thought she would follow suit, no such luck!!! again good luck, dont be a doormat for any man basically i have found that most of them are not worth it.


----------



## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Hi Julie, and thanks for your input..







I just wanted to give everyone an update on my situation.My husband was suffering from lack of self- confidence due to hormone issues. He has also came to the understanding I will not put up with his controlling any longer. I had to threaten to leave him (a painful thing that I had to do) before he would stop and look at the situation. I responded to Torpy's question, so if you read that you will understand a little better, and maybe help her, too. Thanks again for everyone's opinion.


----------



## theotherangel (Mar 7, 2005)

I just read all this, and was going to agree with "just ditch the b*st*ard" senerio. I must say, from your first post Feb, 24th to March 09/05 you got hormone test back quickly. I work with medical professionals and I've never seen things work so quickly. Nice for you.I'm happy to hear that you put him to the wall. I put up with this kind of behavior for over 20 yrs.this and more.I hope, this isn't a case of him finding out what you have done, writing here, and has you scared. I don't mean to sound nasty, but under the circumstance, most that have been in this situation will understand my concern.Happy thoughts for you!


----------



## jools41 (Jan 8, 2004)

angel i know what you are saying, oh my x promised me the sky, moon and the stars as long as i agreed not to leave him and for a few yrs i fell for it BIG TIME!! but in the end the promises meant nothing as he had no bloody intention of keeping his crappy meaningless promises, i left after 17 years, its the best thing ive ever done in my life and ive NEVER regretted it. when i look back i think oh julie what an a** hole you were, why oh why did i put up with endless beatings and put downs.im so glad you got out too. good luck and i hope like myself you can try and enjoy a happy future.














ps: when i had my hysterectomy my hormones were up my a** but i never hit anyone or threw my rattle out of my pram when the mood took me, hormones playing up? ha!! thats got to be a classic excuse aye right and im the blooming queen.


----------



## 14114 (Jun 17, 2005)

Numer 1. Is it really your money? It's not "your" money, it's the household's money and if he thinks his money is his money than he is wrong too! It belongs to both of you. I'ts a combined thing. There is no such thing as mine and yours, it is ours. It all belongs to us. Pull your money together!!!!! Dangit!!! Your husband sounds insecure and jealous! Sorry, have to say that. Done that been there kinda thing. Maybe he needs to be reminded of how a husband and wife share "everything". Symbolizym: the ring and you know which ring we're talkin about. It's constant, it goes around with no end and no beginning. The symbolizym is there, it's always going on!


----------



## thegirlleastlikely (Feb 7, 2005)

my ex-husband used to pull that. even though i maybe 3times what he did. sadly, i can't offer any good advice. wish i could.


----------

