# I need help I'm hopeless



## mrp1027 (May 12, 2015)

Looking back now, I realized I've always been overly anxious. Even going over to friends houses used to cause me to feel like puking as a kid. However, the ibs didn't come until later.

I was in the fifth grade and I was heading to school for our annual standardized test. The rules were: it was three days, two hours each day, no bathroom, little exceptions. Now, I had done this for three years now, and had no problem what so ever. They were easy to me, I scored some of the highest in the states, I didn't feel any pressure, they were just dumb tests. But, my gut said differently. As soon as I got there my gut decided to suddenly let loose for no apparent reason. I felt extremely panicked. Being 10, I've never had to deal with this kind of situation before. I don't recall having any d before this, and if I did, it didn't phase me, I just did my thing and moved on. This, however, was different. There were no bathroom breaks for two whole hours. There was a class bathroom break before hand and I let it all out as much as I possibly could. Other kids waited impatiently in line, and I stayed there as long as I could and tried to empty my tank for the upcoming two hours. Sadly, it was soon time to leave, so I had to walk out and hope for the best. Before the test started, I went up to my teacher and let her know (she was the WORST teacher I've ever had so far by far fyi) I wasn't feeling to well and she assured me that this was a very important, and I were to try and stay as hard as I could, because it was a lot of work to go through retakes. Feeling even worse with this very "reassuring" reply, I anxiously sat back down and squeezed. Hot flashes came and went in waves and my heart was pounding. Looking back, I now considered this one of my first anxiety attacks. I sat through the test instructions and finally we began. I tried so hard to distract myself, but I found my mind in full panic mode with each bm I felt. Finally, the moment had come, I was going to blow. I gave my teacher a look and started to raise my hand. With a disappointing look, she signalled for me to go. I sprinted up from my desk and ran straight to the office. When I told them I'm not feeling well, I lied and said it was my stomach. This was the kind of thing so embarrassing you didn't even want to tell the nurse. She told me to lye down so maybe I could finish the test. After trying that, I gave up and let it all out again. This time, almost completely liquid, just poured and poured out. It was almost like peeing from the other end. The office smelt horrible, but I didn't care. Finally I was allowed to go home, and in doing so, I felt completely fine. That night, it had been declared that I had a stomach bug, so I was able to take the next day off. However, I eventually had to take those tests, but being able to make it up in the office made it a lot better, because it was only a few people, and restrooms were right there. I still had the bubbly guts, but it was a bit more mild.

The rest of that year, my d returned only occasionally, especially in the mornings. That was the year my life completely changed. Nothing was really the same after that. Everything I did had another worry added to it, and it wasn't something I could talk about either.

In sixth grade, they became a bit more frequent, with another added challenge. My second worst teacher, had decided to make a fun little game to encourage us to stop ditching class for the "restroom" (wondering around the school) and going instead at lunch by giving us each five restroom tickets in the beginning of each quarter. After they were used you just had to hold it, unless you were throwing up. Sadly, I was throwing up quite a bit, but from the non socially acceptable end. Each unused ticket was worth five extra credit points. Thank god it wasn't as bad as it is now, or I would have died. Back then I had no idea what was wrong with me, so I couldn't go up and say "I have this really weird power where I can control my bowel movements with my mind, it's pretty cool and all, but sometimes I get a little carried away, so I may need to go a little more often, k? Thanks" So I kept quite and somehow made it through.

Seventh grade was a whole other story. Now it happened almost every morning, to the point where I kept a spare change of clothes in my locker (thank god for lockers by the bathroom) and wore pads every single day as a backup. I had pepto tablets on me at all times. Every morning consisted of me trying to distract myself and squeeze. The weird thing was, it only happened when I thought about it. Back then, it wasn't quite a routine yet, so when it did happen I could get out of it pretty easily. By now I had mentioned it to my mom, but she kept nagging me to stop thinking about it and that it was all in my head, like I was magically cured! But I didn't come to her too much more about it, because I thought I had this weird habit of thinking about it and I could solve it myself and nobody else in the world had this. So I did the best I could and fought through it. However, something else was added into the mix that year. Occasionally at night I would get this weird completely panicked feeling when I was the last one up, that consisted of hot flashes and sweating and the feeling of going crazy. But, for some reason, those started happening in real life. Out of nowhere. All the time. And, though this was a different sort of panic than my ibs (this one took place in my head) it made it even more difficult to stay in school. Then that eventually cycled into the weird empty feeling and pain in my chest. I thought I had felt depression before, but not until this hit me. And I didn't really get what people meant by having anxiety disorders, but now I did.

I got through that year pretty all right compared to what came next.

The beginning of eighth grade started okay, but that didn't last. By November, orchestra, my first class of the day, was absolute HELL. The drive to school every morning my stomach made noise after noise and got looser and looser. By time I got to school I was practically kneeling in front of my locker from stomach pains. I clenched so hard and held it in so much. My orchestra class has only eight people. In a way this made me even more uncomfortable, because you couldn't just slip out, everyone would notice. Most days I could make it through, but some I had to run to the bathroom in the middle of the song, then lay in the office until it finally disappeared. Every day was terrible, especially mornings. I tried everything and I couldn't make this go away. I love school, but now longed for the weekend, I loved orchestra and used to really be into the music, not the only thing I was into was the thoughts racing through my mind, I wanted to be out with friends, but now cancelled unless I was positive of a bathroom. I'm not me anymore. I'm not really living anymore. I started to call sick almost every monday, and if I managed to go, I went home sick.

"Weekend cold?" my teacher asked.

"Yeah" I replied, biting back the truth.

"Aw honey those are the worst, hope you feel better"

That year, we switched our standardized tests to something worse. Now instead of 3 days, we had 2 weeks of testing, twice a year. I was devastated. Once they refused to let me go home because it was due by the end of the week, so I bubbled random answers just so I could leave.

I was once outgoing and adventurous and I was one of the chilled people I knew. Now I realised I had picked up weird habits of tapping my foot, biting my nails, tapping my fingers, walking in circles, rocking, etc. I couldn't sit still anymore. I now lost 13 pounds in 3 months and grew 2 inches. I couldn't go places I wanted to anymore. I called sick for birthday parties, orchestra competitions, etc. It was now taking over.

Nobody understood me. "There will be a bathroom there, just go when you need to" "Just go beforehand" "Stop thinking about it" "It's all in your head" I started to think this wasn't a real problem

Until I started googling. I soon stumbled upon ibs. It can't be ibs, it's all in my head, I don't have anything physically wrong with me.

After years, my mom finally took me to the doctor. She prescribed Elavil. It hasn't really worked but it's only been a few months.

I don't understand this. I don't want this, yet I'm in complete control. I have the power to stop it now, but I still can't for some reason. I don't feel like it's a big problem, nobody treats it like it is. I could have cancer or a chronic physical disease, this is nothing but it feels like everything. It's ignored and pushed aside like it's a small issue. It's not a priority to other people. Nobody feels any sympathy for you. It's not a valid reason to skip things. Nobody thinks you're sick, but you sure as hell feel like it. No one understands how hard it is to do such simple tasks. I want to ride a bike, I want to play sports, I want to have sleepovers, I want to go to school, I want to travel, I want to take risks, I want to live.

I need help. I'm hopeless. Nothing is working. I don't want to live a life that's like this. I want to enjoy things. Little things even. Please help me.


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## Jill83 (May 31, 2015)

I feel so bad reading this dear friend. But I have no answer. I'm just as miserable as you. This illness has overpowered you and me and many many more. All I can do is pray that you get better soon and are able to live the life that you want and deserve. You are in my thoughts


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## JulezyGem (Jul 4, 2015)

Hiya, I know how you feel, never had sickness but as you did i had to make sure toilets where close by, stomach cramps, bloating, never sick though, anxiety stopped going out, never went to social events, even my poor little dog had to go in our garden as when we tried to go for walks id have to run back home to use the toilet. Mine started 23yrs ago and was diagnosed with IBS. However, up until 7 days ago and joined this forum and saw what others had tried, i thought ok lets try some of the things everyone else has, so ive gone with the low fodmap diet, cut out on wheat and dairy and i can actually say its made a difference. No cramping, No bloating, and so far NO D, Still a long way to go tho as ive now still actually got to attempt to take my dog for an actual walk.

I hope this can give you a bit of support and do know that their is some hope in this horrid nightmare.

Dont give up

This forum im sure will help you


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## Wedgeroo (Aug 10, 2015)

You're not alone my friend. I feel as helpless as you do. The nausea for me is the worst. And worrying about being ill makes it worse and it turns into a viscous cycle. You feel like you can't talk about it and that know one else in the world had it. Believe me I know. But you are no longer alone buddy. I know exactly what you are going through. That is not the cure you and I and every one else on here needs, but at least we too know what it's like. Stay strong. It's the only thing I seem to have left to be able to do.


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## HaveHope21 (Aug 11, 2015)

Hi, i completely understand, I am 21 years old and I was crying while getting into my mothers car this past sunday to take an hour and a half drive down to my grandfathers house, because I was scared of an attack. I have been suffering from IBS-D since about fifth grade as well. I never wanted to sleep over at my friends houses because I was too nervous of a stomach ache, and I would starve myself and deprive myself of meals since about third grade. I wish I could give you some positive advice, but I am suffering just as much as you. I wish I could help both of us.


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