# Dating - how do you manage?



## 13670 (Jun 2, 2005)

Hey all, hope you've had a good week! Mine's been ok in fact, I've been trying to get out for a little bit every day.I'd like to ask all the singlys how you get on with dating the opposite sex. Personally, I suffer a lot from anxiety, and I feel it would go through the roof on a date! Some ideas which seemed good a few years back, don't seem to good now - picnic in the park, long drives to cinema/pub (shudders). I'm a male as well, and for some silly reason I find it harder to explain to girls the truth, I rather prefer to use a myriad of excuses (not feeling well, something dodgy I ate last night etc, etc). Last night I went on a drinking session and spoke to a few new girls. I don't have any problem speaking to them in the pub/club, just I can't seem to go that step further (scared they might think I'm a weirdo!)I know the best policy is honesty, but it's hardly a great chat-up line! It reminds me about a conversation I had once:Girl: Nervous?Me: Yeah, I'm crapping myself.We both laughed, although me more at the irony of it all. Incidentally, I haven't needed a BM at all today - I should go drinking heavily every day!!(Joke, before I get flamed..)Thanks for reading - I know I'm a bit of a rambler, and I apologise. Any replys gratefully received!


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## 13995 (Jun 11, 2005)

Being a female, I'd say I'm understanding. I don't usually directly introduce the fact that I have IBS to people. But I was actually dating my current boyfriend when I found out. But now, with my friends I meet, you always end up asking the basic normal questions. Stuff like, "What was your childhood like?" When they ask the same, I say sorta tough, I finally ended up getting diagnosed with a stomach disorder, IBS. Sometimes it means I spend more time in the bathroom, or a whole lot less. Just watch what I eat.People are generally sympathetic. I know my boyfriend is at least. I just let him know, I like sitting on the aisle seat in movie theaters. He also knows on tough days I like to hang around the house.Just introduce the concept slowly.


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## 22443 (Apr 12, 2005)

When I told my boyfriend I had IBS, he was relieved. He had started to think I was anorexic or bulemic because I rarely ate and when I did, it seemed like I was always running to the bathroom afterwards. I was kind of upset, but I couldn't really blame him for thinking that.


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## 20834 (Jun 20, 2005)

Ahhh Pet,The thought of talking to someone is usually much worse than the actual act... I know how you feel though. I lived with my boyfriend and and he figured out real quickly that I had IBS. And the funny thing was that it stressed him out and he wasn't very understanding. By him being stressed out and getting angery at me for not feeling well, it made my IBS worse... and numerous times I ended up in the emergency room (terribly intense cramping) and ended up going on Zoloft. Since then we have boken up and I moved out, and I feel great! To make a long story short... If I had known that I had IBS before moving in with him, it would have been good to tell him. But I only found out that thats what I had in the time that I lived with him.Im not saying, tell the girl on the first date, but deffinately before you move in together.Good luck with the ladies, be thankful that you are on the shy side instead of an obnoxious macho man!


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

i'm male and have the same promlems with dating. I tend to go along with girls very well, i meet them, we exchange with phone numbers and they expect me to call them. And i never do. Sometimes they call me themself and ask me for a date and i refuse making stupid excuses lol. That is sad and funny at the same time. I find immodium as the best solution sometimes, more for my anxiety than for my stomach. I think sometimes that i wish to meet a girl with the same promlem(having IBS), and most of my anxiety, and maybe hers also, will vanish.


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## 14285 (Jun 13, 2005)

Dating is definately challenging with this disease. My current girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for almost 2 years now. I have always had trouble in the women department. Like you, I had a hard time getting to the next step. IBS caused me to close myself off to attractive women sometimes. I didn't know how to explain it to them, so I was afraid to move on.It wasn't easy finding a steady girlfriend that will put up with my problems. On our second date we decided to go to her favorite park. Unfortunately many of you understand the anxiety that comes with an endeavor as simple as going to the park. I had an "accident" while trying to walk to the bathroom. Needless to say I wanted to die I was so embarassed. I was thinking of ways to leave the park so that she wouldn't see it. I was considering leaving her behind somehow. I am glad I didn't. Luckily my girl is very understanding. I think it is probably because she is lactose intolerant, so she sort of understands where I am coming from. When she found out I told her it was probably food poisoning (a little white lie). She was very helpful. She ran and got a blanket out of her car and helped me to hide it from the public. By the time we got home I was so embarassed that I just started crying, but the strange thing is that I think it has actually gotten us closer to one another. Now she knows all about my condition. I try not to let it get in the way of our relationship, but she understands that if I say I am not feeling right or that my stomach hurts then we should probably not go out. So dating and being happy is possible with IBS. I love my girlfriend more than anything. Without her support I wouldn't be able to do half of the things I am able to do now with my IBS.


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## 17309 (May 7, 2005)

Collegegirl, I have also been mistaken for having an eating disorder instead of having IBS . . .SO FRUSTRATING! Ugh.Boys -- you should definitely tell girls that you have IBS. Girls won't care much; they are just embarassed about telling guys if they have it, because it's not very feminine/girly/etc to have to talk about poop and stuff.In general, I've found it's better to tell people what's up instead of hiding it. I saw a quote somewhere: "If you don't tell people that you have IBS, they will come up with much, much stranger reasons for your behavior!"


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## kateandtink (Sep 1, 2004)

i always tell everyone, its not the first thing i say but before friends or potential partners get steady it's important to be honest... some people as we all find have trouble with seeing people who dont live the "normal" life as they see it... doesnt mean they are right to leave.. but there no point tryin to stay with somemone who doesnt understand or cant cope because they cant be the one.... i knew before my boyfriend, i told him while we were friends and to be honest i didnt expect him too even bother ringing me again... but the next thing i knew he was looking for things that could help me be normal, helping me to gain confidence with being out all night... my ibs was bad upto 20times a day... it has calmed after alot of playing with diet and a few immodium a day now... few people realise what i have to do before i leave the house....i have always told everyone and if they dont understand, cant cope whatever their excuse they arent the people who i want to be with... some people do think IBS is a disease of the mind but ignorance is everywhere for more than what we go through too...but partner wise is suprising how much support we need and alittle moe understanding when going out and even dinning out if you are feeling brave... but i know all i have to say is i dont feel well but suprisingly my boyfrined knows the signs of my IBS kicking in, and tends to ask if we have to leave... he hs never moaned about us having to leave even when once it was a night out with someone he hadnt seen for a long time, it was just sorry we have to leave, somethings come up... End though in time he is protective about what i do, eat and drink when we are out and about.IBS is frustrating but we dont have anything to be ashamed of and by not telling people tends to imply embarrassment, but we moer we speak out the more we help the next generations and lessen theshame for them, if not helping us.... i have no shame about my IBS, its not something i choose to have but its a medical condition, i have to live with for every minute i live.. it messed my life up for long enough, when i too hide in the shadows hoping it would end, it didnt and probably never will almost 4years down the line, with help im tryin to help others see the light and enlighten people that we have a problem but its in the stomach, not the mind! please dont feel shame about IBS, the more you talk adn tell people the easier it gets!!!


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## SugarBabyDoll (May 27, 2004)

I used to be mortifed of anyone finding out about my IBS. I didnt tell any of my friends when i was diagnosed. I was always known as that "sick" kid. In my first relationship, I ended up with someone with Crohns so that was a relief. I still kept it hidden from everyone else. Now in my current, longest relationship of almost 2 years it seems to have improved. When we first started seeing each other, I was soooo embarrassed to tell him. I told him I had "stomach problems", then he asked if I had IBS. I was surprised that anyone had heard of it. The reason he knows all about it is because his sister also has IBS. So it is nice to meet someone who understood. It also appears he has IBS as well, sometimes worse than me!! We joke about it and are open about our problems. He's always very sweet to me if i need to leave somewhere urgently or comforts me when I am sick. Its surprising how many people around you have IBS, they may be hiding it as well! You never know.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

i also wanna meet a girl who has IBS  lol


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## 18553 (Jul 16, 2005)

Mika, i agree!


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## 20349 (Jul 4, 2005)

i cant tell my friends about my ibs. ive tried and i just cant, im too embarassed. they know there is something wrong but how do i go about telling them? as for dating, i can sympathise, thats like a big no go! i hate the thought of being judged for something that i cant help having. hope im making sense, i dont think i am, but i just had to say it! take care all xXx


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## 18749 (Jun 15, 2005)

Trying to date with IBS is the worst! I was lucky when I was diagnosed (yeah, right!) as I was with a great guy at the time and he was very understanding and protective. Ever since I've been single, it's been more of an issue, especially in recent months since my IBS has flared up badly again. Realistically, what guy wants to take on a woman with IBS when he doesn't know her that well?I usually make excuses on a date, say I've eaten something bad, etc. and try to eat a little so that they don't think I have an eating disorder. I cancel if I really have to. The problem is, excuses can only last for so long, and I really don't want to share this with anyone who I'm not really serious about. I've only told a couple of my closest friends as it is, and that's in the space of 9 years!It would be so much easier to meet a guy with IBS and suffer together!


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

let's make a special section on this site for singles







I don't see people here from new york, it seems like all IBS sufferers are either from Canada or UK. Is anybody from NY here???


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## 18749 (Jun 15, 2005)

Mika, don't worry, us Canadians seem to be pretty spread out as well ... I haven't noticed too many from Toronto on the site in general!Just curious, are you from NY, NY, or elsewhere in the state? I love taking a drive over the border to go shopping in NY state (when the stomach is agreeable!) - you guys have such great shopping and it's so much cheaper!


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

I'm from Brooklyn,NY. 40min on train to times square. Shopping is good, but the weather here...uhhh suck lol. too hot, too humid.


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## 18553 (Jul 16, 2005)

Mika, why don't you start a dating website for us sufferers! They have dating sites for everyone, why not IBS or other stomach ailments? I don't know, maybe something like gastrodate.com??? lol


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Steve, i already proposed in my previous comments to make a new section of this site for dating. Email the webmaster of this site, who knows, they may actually do that.


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

Hey! Sounds like an interesting idea to me. Gastodate.com?....ROFL...Love it. I'll volunteer my my html skills to the mastermind of that idea!







-- Dee


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

I already see the headlines in New York Times."Most Unusual dating site.. for IBS sufferers")))You know guys, it may really bring a lot of attention, who knows the founders of ibsgroup, contact them, tell them about this idea.


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## Fed Up (Jun 5, 2005)

Yeah I agree - I'm single and from the UK - Any takers? lol


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

I'll take you Fed Up. LoL! Problem is, my state's so small that I'd probably already know anyone that signed up!-- Dee, 22 and partner free


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

what is bad is that from a screen names of our members is hard to say wehter you are male or female. AchievingCraziness or Fed up, who are you??







i'm male by the way.


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

O. I'm so blonde - I forgot about that. I might have just agreed to a lesbian relationship with Fed Up! Eeeeep. LoL.







But, to answer your question Mika, I'm Dee and I'm most assuredly a female.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Don't talk about lesbian relationship, it turnes us guys on...







So, Dee, you are from UK right?


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

Sorry Mika -- USA born and raised.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Good, i just used to see people mostly from UK and Canada here. I live in NY,although i was born outside of US, so where exactly do u live Dee?


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

The wonderfully boring, but still quite beautiful, state of West Virginia.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Dee, do u have aol or msn messenger?


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

Yup. It's ima2kewl4u, but I have my work laptop right (and my neighbors wireless connection) so I don't have it right now. I'm trying out this chat thing but no one's on it. Come join me!


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

is this aol or msn sn? if it is aol, then u are offline







, and what chat thing u are trying there?


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

It's AOL, but since I didn't have my computer on last night, I didn't have the program available to me. It's not allowed on the work machines.







There's actually four chat rooms set up for this website. There is a link to "chat" under the "bulletin board" link. Then you click something like "log in to chat" and select the room. There's a schedule of pre-planned chats, but I'm too new to this board to know if anyone gets on that.


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## 14780 (Jul 19, 2005)

Going back to the resulting topic of the original topic...The Support Group Discussion board seems like an unorganized version of what we talked about. Wander if they can lock down discussion boards by location? hmmmm. Now back the the original topic (just to vent)....I've been hanging out with a guy for a little bit. We're not "dating" for the simple fact I don't like the boyfriend word. Last night I told him that I have IBS and sometimes I just don't want to get in a car and go to some crowded place to eat. He knows about my anxiety problems, or rather he knows I'm wound tight and worry myself to death. He also knows I had a full blown panic attack after a bad reaction with Buspar. I told him after a panic attack like that I would need a few days to calm down and "get my head spun around the right way." He seemed supportive of me. TODAY I get this email from him asking me to come up there (an hours drive), work out, go shoot some pool, and then go get something to eat. He sooo missed part of that conversation.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Another reason to start IBS dating site. Only IBS person can understand another IBS person.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Im almost 90% certain the Jeffrey will not start and IBS dating site. This is enough work as it is!I would suggest starting your own one, maybe on EZboard (its free), It would cause problems with ages and whatnot if that were to happen on here also cos there would be issues with "legal" adults. I don't want that on my shoulders- we could end up getting sued by someones parents!nb. Remember, this section on the board is for ages 18-29, if you are under 18, please post to teen and childrens issues (just below this one).Nikki


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## Reagan26 (Jan 7, 2005)

I can't date, I get way too nervous (even though I am on Paxil which helps), I still get bad D and the thought of getting sick on a date is enough for me not to bother dating. I wouldn't mind meeting a guy though in my area with the same problem with me though. It would be nice to find a guy that totally understands what I go through on a daily basis. If any of you are in the Ottawa area, let me know.


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

Yeah, I find a lot of my anxiety and depression comes from that fact that I had a girlfriend of 2 years dump me because I was sick.Ever since then I've been in psychotherapy to undo some of the damage she did to me:"Nobody will ever want you...""You're always sick...""We hardly go out anymore..."Since then, I've been searching for a girl just like me (IBS). I think it'd be easier. But I haven't yet found a girl like me.Right now I'm dating a girl, who says she's understanding but she really isn't.Basically, if you are having trouble getting past the first couple of dates, I would suggest bring it up only if they ask. Bringing it up on the first date = big no no. There will always be some rejection based on what we have, imo. But sometimes there will be very good acceptance. Good luck to you all.


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## smiley (Dec 28, 2004)

I'm a girl.I agree with angst in the fact that bringing it up on the first date is a big no no. I wouldn't want to hear my boyfriend has cancer or something on the first date. The second might be okay.... After the fourth date depending on how the relationship is going I'd be understanding completely! Don't worry about dating so much,I know it's a bit deal but it's just going to make your stomach feel worse! lol!







Take a deep breath and remember: Someone is out there waiting for you but you can't go out with them if you're hiding somewhere worrying about everything that will go wrong with your stomach and telling the person!


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## SpAsMaN* (May 11, 2002)

HI Smiley,are you legal here?







Oh BTW,i'm not i'm a bit over 30.IBS has makes me old.







You know everything about me now.







Where is the 28 year-old single princess here?







Few month ago there was a IBS Ez-board forum with an adult section.I don't know if it is still open.


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## 18749 (Jun 15, 2005)

Hey Spasman. I see you posting all the time. Just curious ... where in Quebec are you?







I used to live in Montreal - West Island. By the way, I think IBS makes us all feel old!Julie


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## SpAsMaN* (May 11, 2002)

I live in the capital not in MTL but i go tommorrow to see the only specialist i can handle rigth now.How old are you?Are you a princess?


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## 21382 (Aug 13, 2005)

I've pretty much resigned myself to a future as an old maid with a lot of cats...i dont even like cats lol. Im 18 and have been on one date in my entire life. I had a horrible panic attack, flipped out, spent the rest of the night in the bathroom, and vowed that no matter how much a guy resembled Brad Pitt, nothing was worth going through that amount of pain again. Sooo yeah story of my life. I guess at this point its easier not to date then to try to deal with it because since that date even being in the presence of an attractive guy can cause a panic attack. I tell all my friends that my severe lackage of dating is because im just "picky," but everyday I wish I could be in a relationship. At this point though, I dont see how thats possible. Damn you IBS. Bring on the furballs!


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## 18749 (Jun 15, 2005)

Spasman, how was the trip to the specialist? Any luck? I'm still waiting for an appointment to see a GI, it's been a month already and they still haven't even bothered to tell me when my appointment will be. Probably June 2006 knowing the way our Canadian healthcare system is going.







By the way, you live in a beautiful city ... I love Quebec!I'm 28, and I guess I'm an IBS princess judging by the amount of time I spend sitting on the "throne"!


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## SpAsMaN* (May 11, 2002)

It has been a long car ride.







You are from Toronto or MTL poopout?


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## SpAsMaN* (May 11, 2002)

Maybe i can refer you my experts in MTL,i know few of them.


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## 18749 (Jun 15, 2005)

Hi, thanks for the offer. I'm actually in Toronto now (lived in Montreal a few years ago). Jeffrey (the moderator) actually recommended some experts here, so I'm just waiting for an appointment.


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

what experts, what are u talking about?


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## 18749 (Jun 15, 2005)

Hi Mika, haven't seen you on here for a while!We're just talking about seeing GI specialists who are known to be experienced in IBS treatment, as compared to family doctors who know very little, if mine is any indication.How's it going? Meet any hot women yet???


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## 20895 (Apr 20, 2005)

Waiting for you and you still didn't send me your pic...


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## 13922 (Jul 12, 2005)

THANKS to all of you! I feel exactly the same way. I have not been on a date since this began over a year ago and when I feel awful I tell myself - see it's a good thing you don't go out. OR "what if" it happens if you do decide to go out? I hate that type of thinking and I know someone with IBS who recently got married but he has his own health issues and I don't know if that makes him more understanding or what, but it sure would be easier to be with someone with IBS than to have to make excuses and cancel everything. Anyone here from MA - seems we are all spread out. Maybe we should all move to an island and live it up - with lots of bathrooms of course - I heard that coconut milk is a natural laxative! Ok, sorry, just tired of these four walls... you know how it goes.


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