# BOY TROUBLE



## roo1029 (Aug 24, 2002)

I have liked this guy for the past month or so and I really really reeeaaaaaly like him. He just asked me out and for like two seconds I was ecstatic, then I remembered and I had to say no. I've been so bummed and all his friends are like you were so leading him on. THe reason I said no is because of my IBS. The problem is that whenever i really like a guy, even being near him makes me nervous, but happy nervous. Butterflies in your stomach...you know. But the thing is my brain can't tell the difference between happy nervous and scared nervous so I always always get terrible stomaches and diarrea when I'm around a guy I like. this makes it virtually impossible for me to get close to any guy. I've had to turn down two or three guys in the past 2 years that i desperately wanted to say yes to. I'm known at school as that girl who always says no. Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life loveless?


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## trbell (Nov 1, 2000)

a licensed professional should be able to help you sort this out.tom


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## nmwinter (May 31, 2001)

ok, i'm not a licensed professional. But in my opinion, you're going to have to take some risks here. It's really easy to let IBS rule you and heck at times you have to give in. But you can't make the decision to not ever do something you really want to do just because of the IBS.Maybe what you need is figure out how to go out with the guy in a IBS-safe way. Find something to do that you know will be safe, near a bathroom, whatever. Eat carefully, maybe take some immodium as a precaution- whatever works for you. Make plans and then let it go. I find that it if I can figure out what to do just in case, then my mind eases quite a bit.I hate to think you'd give up on a social life, especially when you're so youngnancy


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## Guest (Nov 9, 2002)

Just wanted to add that Tom gave you the best advice here. This is something that has a whole lot more to do with behavioral health (which may have an organic cause) than just IBS... although they can be related.Evie


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## kamie (Sep 14, 2002)

Well, I am a licensed professional, but not in the psychotherapy level and not in the BOY TROUBLE category of counseling.However, I've been married and married again and along the way between my married and married days I have indeed survived my own brand of boy trouble.So I suppose the credentials here are as most women of a certain age.....we've been around the block a time or two..........I tend to agree with Nancy, at some point you have to decide to take a risk.Setting you parameters for a sense of personal comfort and safety are the best dating rules ever. Even if you don't have IBS. Heck, dating is a real effort and it involves all sorts of nerve wracking possible social situations, so take the angst out of the scene by making your surroundings something of comfort where you feel you have some kind of physical control.All that other stuff Nancy said makes good common sense too.Watch what you eat and take your safety meds and well, this might sound a bit gross, but get some of those extra long sanitary period pads and wear one with a pair of tights on top. Then you put one of those little take along packages of moistened sanitary wipes(baby wipes)in your purse and a copuple of pocket kleenex packages in your purse and an extra pad and a chewable anti nausea med and anti diarreah med and some asprin and you are ready to take on the world.Where would us girls be with out our purses!Yes, the stuff you figure out when you have kids and horses in your life and you are gone to the wilderness and have to pack a saddle bag.All women should travel life being fully prepared!Weren't you a girl scout?I never go anywhere(except the airport) with out my trusty swiss army knife set too.And as for the male of the species,the sooner they know you have a medical condition, the better off you will be.I have had many a young client with Chrons and IBS and a whole bunch of other problems and they never seemed to lack for fun mostly because they treated their conditions as a real part of life they are dealing with on a medical level.If the male person lacks the maturity and depth of understanding, better for you that he goes running down the road because chances are he won't be any better at 40.'So learn young and avoid the rush of the jerks of the world when it comes to men.There are enough great and interesting and wonderful males in the world that we don't have to put up with the ones with bricks for brains.Just my 2 cents,Kamie


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## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

Roo, this is a really common problem really for people with IBS especially at a younger age.So you know this is going to be long. I am gonna try to help you here some. LOLI have had IBS all my life basically since I was ten, am a male and have had the same experiences in my life, although now there resovled and I am 42.







When ever I was around a girl I liked my gut would go off. This made dating extremely difficult. I have/had am in remission, severe pain predominate d and c IBS.This is part of my story if your interested. http://www.ibsgroup.org/cgi-local/ubbcgi/u...c;f=17;t=000002 Yes this is a behavioral health issue, but its also directly related to IBS and maybe we can help some.I also think professional help would also help like CBT and perhaps a good idea to be evaluated. But there are some self help things you can do for yourself to overcomes some of these issues.I agree with Nancy also some of this is working things so they are safe as possible and taking a certain amount of risk. One thing here is to ask yourself does the risk out weight the guy you want to get to know.







You can take pretty good steps to help yourself through some tough situations. At first it maybe hard, but that is in part your mind holding you back and not so much the reality of a nice date. Some of this is understanding why your in pain and having bathroom problems when your near a nice guy. There is a hardwired connection between a persons gut and their brain in everyone and when you have IBS this system can trigger symptoms of pain and cramps via stress/anxiety and emotions.Your anxiety and fears can be triggering your gut to go off. The anxiety is all the "what ifs" and the "this is going to happen" or similar thoughts like these. Some of this also is that the brain maybe remembering times in the past when you have had a stomach ache on a date and the brain calls up these memories the next time you even think about doing it again. This becomes a cycle. The thoughts and anxieties build up over time as well, so its important to try to work through these issues so you don't become trapped even further, which just leads to more of the vicious cycle.A key to this is to learn and understand how some of these things effect you personally and then take active precautions to minimize the effects they have on you and your symptoms.Then when you go on a date use what you learned and you will be very happy you learned them because you'll feel good and confident on a date, go to a place you feel safer, take what ever meds and precautious and trust yourself that you will make it and things will be allright and that your gut will behave, in part because you want it to which really can make a big to huge difference. By changing some simple things like your thoughts or being distracted by your date, your symptoms, well what symptoms all of the sudden.







Your on a date with a hottie.But then you have to be careful about good stress to, too excited which is in part what it is doing right from the beginging, the butterfly's of your gut are from signals back and forth between your stomach and brain in being excitied and having a fear at the same time. This is a paper web article called "The wisdom of the gut: Those butterflies are not just in your mind."Although slightly tehnical its explains these connections, that we as IBS suffers really deal in a way with two brains more so then normal people do. http://www.ibsgroup.org/other/usnews000403.htm So its not just generated in your head either that is important to not blame yourself for this happening its a physical problem with two components.You also can do things to learn and help with "tell the difference between happy nervous and scared nervous."This is on that and is also slightly tehnical but you have some time on your hands as your not dating.







I am kidding of course. Its really worth reading and doing your best to at last get the basics out of it if you can. http://www.mindbodymed.com/EducationCenter/fight.html One more for you. http://www.ahealthyme.com/article/primer/101186767 Another thing to do is to get a copy and highly recommend this for you is DR Bolen's (a moderator on the BB here) book called "Breaking the bonds of irritable bowel syndrome."This is a CBT approach you can work with from home to help you break negative thought patterns, on foods, symptoms and lifes issues that can hold you back form not only dating but your whole social being and quality of life. This book can really help exactly what were talking about here for you if you learn it and work with it and stick to it. I also think you will find most men pretty understanding when later if you date you explain it to them when you feel the time is right, but don't wait to long and that's good to know.If you really feel you need some professional help, don't be afraid to get it, some of this may not take as long as you think to treat and for you to start seeing benefits from participating in it. Knowledge gives you power over all this and the more you learn and know the better you will feel and the bigger the steps you can take each time.I will leave you with one more thing about how CBT would work to help you and some things covered in Dr Bolens book I recommended.


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## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

If you did want to see a therapist she would be a good person to ask about where to find one. I also think she would help if you had a question or two to ask her on the HTand CBT forum. Not sure if she has visited here or not yet.with permission.Barbara Bradley Bolen, Ph.D. bbolen###optonline.net September 5, 2002 COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY FOR IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME There is an old saying that if you give a child a fish, you feed that child for a day, but if you teach a child to fish, they are fed for a lifetime. In accordance with this old proverb, Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a form of psychotherapy that strives to actively teach people skills and strategies that they can use to help themselves feel better. A considerable amount of research indicates that CBT is effective in helping to reduce the symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Many people wonder how psychotherapy can help IBS if IBS is a physical disorder. One of the major triggers that can set off or exacerbate IBS is stress. In addition, IBS is a very stressful disorder to live with. CBT provides an individual with tools for combating stress, reducing the anxiety response and thus calming the GI system. The cognitive therapy part of CBT helps individuals to identify, challenge and replace unhealthy thought patterns. When we are thinking clearly, we are able to deal with the world in a calm, rational manner. However, our thinking often gets distorted, due to our personalities, our past history, our emotional state or lack of information. When thinking gets distorted it can lead to excessive emotional reactions. For an individual with IBS, these thought distortions may lead to an anxiety response that can trigger symptoms. For example, if a person with IBS thinks ï¿½My stomach is rumbling. Uh, oh! I know I am going to be sick. What is I canï¿½t make it to the bathroom? This is terrible!ï¿½, that person is going to experience anxiety and perhaps set off the very symptoms they are afraid of. If instead, the person thinks, ï¿½Just because my stomach is making some noise does not necessarily mean I am going to have symptoms. I will just focus on what I am doing and see what happensï¿½, that person will remain calm and be less likely to stimulate their digestive system. The behavioral aspect of CBT involves skill training. Relaxation techniques, including deep breathing skills and progressive muscle relaxation, help the individual to reduce the physiological symptoms of anxiety. An anxiety reaction can be likened to a home security alarm. Relaxation techniques send the message to the body that there is no emergency and that the alarm can be shut off. CBT for IBS may also include skill training in assertion and anger management, as research has shown that IBS patients often have difficulty in these areas. IBS can wreak havoc on a personï¿½s quality of life. CBT helps IBS sufferers to regain a sense of control over their life. With the skills gained in CBT, one no longer needs to be a passive victim of this disruptive disorder, but can now actively use strategies which are effective in reducing the frequency, intensity and duration of IBS symptoms. Barbara Bradley Bolen, Ph.D. bbolen###optonline.net Author of: Breaking the Bonds of Irritable Bowel Syndrome New Harbinger Publications (2000)I really do hope this all help you, your not alone on all this for sure.


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## MARKA (Apr 10, 1999)

roo1029 - this is it, plain and simple - don't go out with anyone, you never meet anyone then. You never meet anyone you never will be happy then. Plain and simple between the eyes. If you have your problems when you experience anxiety whether it is good or bad then experience it when you are happy and that is being with the BOY that makes you happy. It will subside as you feel more comfortable with that boy. If you never let yourself be with a boy because of this terrible IBS what is the sense then. Let go and GO FOR IT!! Did you ever think that maybe if you were HAPPY the IBS would let up a bit?? Just go for it!! You never know, maybe the boy will be very understanding about your problem but then again you don't have to let him know right from the start. Just take it slowly and don't let this IBS hold you back. Just like Kevin said in Home Alone 2 to the Pigeon Woman who was afraid to fall in love because she was afraid of her heart being broken. If you don't use your heart then why worry about it being broken. Go with your heart. It is amazing how your system responds to happiness. Many people always talk about how their system reacts to depression and the bad things in life - what about the good things in life like a nice relationship with someone you really like!!Just my two cents on this one.Best of luck Mark


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## kamie (Sep 14, 2002)

So Roo, here's another thought.Who of us was not at one time or another dysfunctunal, clumsey and otherwise socially uncoordinated.We've all been there.It's the depth of perspective that comes from our own parts of tortured growing as human beings that gives us the depth and compassion that is called character.So into each life a little Rain falls.Do we run off to consult the meteorologist on the best advise for rain gear, or do we run down to Wal mart and purchase the yellow rain pancho and sloshy boots and get on our way with participating in life.Life is a trial and error event.Half the fun is the spirit of adventure to figure it all out.Therapy and counseling and experts are great. if you need them.And if you really do feel you need all that, then great, run, don't walk to the nearest therapist and get things into perspective.But as I see it, from what I read in your words, you aren't so very different than any of us who have ever felt nervous or insecure at a time in our lives when we are just really beginning to know even ourselves.And again, let me assure you that dating in general is some nerve wracking stuff.There are a lot of people in the world and getting to know people, really know people, is not always the easiest experience.There's a lot to figure out.People are complicated and they have their own baggage and half the time they are just as nervous as you are so take each moment with the ease of just focusing on friendship instead of romance.Yes.Friendhips first. And then if you admire their inner strength and personal integrity, then think about romance later when you find out if they are prone to goodness or prone badness in the things in life that count.Hugs,Kamie


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## raina (Nov 24, 2002)

The nervousness does get better. I used to be absolutely certain I would throw up around a guy I liked when I was younger (under 25) and so I'd avoid eating or just eat a small salad. I still get IBS attacks sometimes in stressful situations but the nervousness around everybody interesting of the opposite sex does get better with age. Here's a great ploy if you need to make an extra bathroom trip with a guy - pull out your cell as though it was vibrating and going off and say "Oh, would you excuse me for a minute, I have to take this." Then off to the bathroom you go, pretending to be on the phone.


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