# IBS & my struggle



## priyavaishnav (May 6, 2014)

I just stumbled across this website recently and felt that it was an appropriate place for me to vent/share my story:

I've had IBS for about 4 or 5 years now and this is the first time I'm talking/writing about it openly. I'm not sure what triggered it but it happened around the same time that I started having panic attacks in high school and got diagnosed with GAD. I was also severely depressed at the time. My boyfriend, therapist, best friends, and housemates don't know about my IBS. The only people that do are my doctor and my mom (although she doesn't completely understand how serious and debilitating it is for me). My mind is constantly preoccupied with fears of having to go to the bathroom around other people, my stomach acting up/being loud in public, being embarrassed, etc. I spend most of the day worrying and stressing about what I'm going to eat, when I will eat it, if there will be a bathroom nearby, and if I will have to be around others.

IBS pretty much controls every aspect of my life. I'm so tired and frustrated of having it ruin everything. I feel so depressed and envious when I look around and see other people my age that are carefree and having fun. Meanwhile I'm over here in intense pain, suffering with cramps, backaches, bloating, gas, constipation, and frequent trips to the bathroom (especially in the morning). I get so jealous when I see people around me eating whatever they want and snacking on junk food and big meals at restaurants; I have to plan out what I eat or else it's a disaster. I constantly have to cancel plans and ditch my friends when they invite me to do things. It's so hard because I really want to spend time with them and have fun and go out, but I don't want to risk them finding out about my problems. I feel guilty or like I'm a bad person/friend. I know it's stupid but I'm terrified of being honest about this. It's so humiliating and embarrassing and I don't know how they will react or if they will be supportive. IBS has definitely affected my social life and my happiness and has made me a completely different person than I used to be. I used to be social, friendly, and outgoing, and now I mainly lock myself in my room and prefer to be alone so no one can witness my problems.

What I feel most horrible about is the fact that I haven't told my boyfriend. We've been together for 8 months now and he is very loving, supportive, and caring. He treats me so well and has always been understanding, but I just can't bring myself to tell him about it. There are so many times where I tell him I can't hang out, that we can't go out to dinner, or that I won't sleepover at his place, and I can tell that he is confused and/or hurt because I don't really have a concrete reason to give him as to why I don't want to spend time with him. He probably takes it personally or thinks that I'm upset with him or that he did something wrong, which is so not true. I desperately want to be comfortable around him and not let my IBS ruin our relationship.

There is so much I want to do and experience but I'm terrified of my IBS coming in the way. I feel like my life is restricted and it shouldn't be at this age (I'm only 21). I can't go on camping trips, can rarely spend the night at my boyfriend's house for fear of having to use the bathroom in front of him, can't go to music festivals or on long car rides or road trips, and can't fathom traveling to a different country by myself. I almost applied to study abroad next year but got panicked and overwhelmed at the prospect of being in an unfamiliar place and having to live with strangers (and sharing a bathroom with them).

School is a nightmare for me. I have to wake up 2 hours before my classes to ensure enough time to eat breakfast and have 2-3 bowel movements before I leave the house. Even when my classes are later on in the afternoon or evening, I have to make sure to eat 2-3 hours before so that I can have a bowel movement before being trapped in the classroom. The worst are days when I have exams because I dread sitting in a silent room with 60-100 other people. There are times where I contemplate running out of the class and failing the exam just so I can get out of that room/environment. Throughout the day I will have a constant stomach ache, be hungry/never fully satisfied, and feel the need to go (but nothing comes out usually). Adding fiber to my diet and drinking lots of water only makes my bowel issues worse. I am also lactose intolerant.

Stress makes my IBS go out of control, but I cannot find a way to relax and calm down. I'm in a constant state of anxiety and heightened awareness. I've spent countless nights crying and being hopeless about the future, knowing that I will have to live with this forever. I pray for a miracle or a cure but know that that won't happen. Some days I feel okay and think that things will get better, but other days all I can focus on is the pain and how unfair it is that this happened to me. I'm not really sure what to do at this point. All I know is I'm fed up of being a prisoner to my body and I want to find a way to fight it. I want to start being happy and living my life to the fullest and not letting this enslave me. Does anyone have any advice on how to cope and learn to live with this and manage it in a positive way?


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## Debux9311 (May 9, 2014)

I am new here, but have been suffering since I was 18. I am 33 now. I know how you feel. School, college, holding a job is difficult. I have managed to do it all somehow. I've had tests done and "everything is fine, everything looks good." I wanna punch the doctors every time they say that. They did find me anemic which is probably due to my ibs-d. I have diarrhea almost everyday and like you I always need to know where the bathrooms are at all times. I used to cut hair and would leave clients on the chair because I would have to run to the bathroom. I now work in an office where it's quiet and there are only 5 of us there. Bathrooms are private and we don't deal with customers which is a big reason why I'm still there. Lol. I am getting desperate to the point where I am considering meal replacement shakes because I'm tired of eating food and suffering later. I'm not a pill person so I won't take anything a dr prescribes because to me it's all bull shit and it's all about the $$. No one seems to understand how frustrating this is. Glad I found this website to vent, read other stories an know that I am not alone. My ibs first began when I was 18. I was a teen mom at the time and was pulled out of class to say goodbye to by husband at the time. He stole $$ from his parents and was a crack addict. I had no clue of him stealing money and didn't know of his addiction so I was shocked. He was going away to a drug rehab center where I wouldn't be able to see him. From that day on, I had diarrhea everyday. Lost 30 lbs in the first month. That's where it all began. I've moved on since then. but my issues haven't. I've just learned to accept that I will suffer for the rest of my life. I love food, so like u, I hate it when I see people smiling, laughing, having a good time, stuffing their faces with pizza or a hamburger. I too don't like sharing my problems with anyone because they won't understand anyways. I do think you should tell your boyfriend though. If you love him and see a future with him, I definately would. You'll feel better and he will be understanding when you go out or just wanna stay home. It was hard for me at first with my current husband. Telling him and all, I was so embarrassed. But he completely understands now. Understands whether I'm in the restroom for 10 mins or an hour lol. Hopefully things will get better and one day there will be a cure for us. Till then, let's enjoy the little things in life that we can. If you need someone to talk to or vent with, I'm here. It helped me to vent with you. Thanks


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