# single with ibs-how on earth to maintain a relationship?



## mydogsandme (Oct 15, 2007)

Single again and in my early 50's,I've had ibs for many years but am currently having a very bad flair-up-6 visits to the loo so far today and more to come. I was married for many years and my husband was understanding of the limitations it caused me but I know it had an impact on our lives together. I'm wondering how on earth anyone manages to find and maintain a new relationship with all the problems it causes? One thing when it creeps up later in a marriage maybe and you feel secure and loved but what man would stick around when you cancel dates,don't feel like sex and have chronic wind?! Even explaining it to someone would be embarrassing and send them running. I'm not looking for a long term relationship yet and in fact have a close "friend" that I sometimes get together with but there is no pressure as there would be waking up with someone every day and planning things together. He doesn't believe ibs exists anyway. There are many many days I wouldn't have the energy to go out or certainly not have a regular sex life.With this in mind I don't really expect to ever find someone who understands,except maybe another sufferer.Does anyone else feel like this?


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## urbanfresh (Aug 31, 2009)

I know how you feel to a certain extent. I have had IBS for just over 6 years and met my partner only 5 months after it initially started. I do feel that IBS is another person in the relationship and I'd be rich if I got a pound for each time we argued about it. But you can get to an understanding with someone if you work at it AND if the other person is willing to cooperate because there are 2 roles involved. One is for you to deal with having IBS and the other is for your partner to understand how that will affect your mood. I found that not discussing it much with my partner is the key. He IS supportive, but rambling about a stomach disorder would drive anyone nuts. I think of it this way....think about how much IBS annoys you and impedes on your life and transfer that feeling to the other person - they will no doubt feel as frustrated as you do although they do not suffer from IBS (what a miracle).


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## lilil (Jul 11, 2010)

Hi, Im in my 50 with 35 years with IBS with diahrrea. Its been almost one year at home as I wouldn't cope at work. I have applied for long term disability as Im not planning to go back to work. They may make me work from home, which again, will be very difficult for me. Anybody with this experience, please help!


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## Aelise (Feb 10, 2012)

Few pieces of advice:

1. Date an individual who is understanding and sympathetic. I've had wonderful luck - okay, two in a row but that's pretty good - with men who are sympathetic in my times of need and understand the limitations associated with IBS.

2. Date someone with their own social network so they don't rely on you for every outing. You'd think most people have a social network but not everyone does. If they rely on you to always be the one to go out with them, they are more likely to be resentful than if they can just go see that movie with a friend instead (for example).

3. Date someone who is comfortable with gross things like poop and farts. Some aren't, but many are!

4. Perhaps most importantly, let go of the idea that you need to be delicate and lady-like all the time. Hiding the disorder creates more stress and makes life harder than it needs to be. I used to think I was a dainty lady until I went in and out of the bathroom 4+ times a day and would produce smells that will bring tears to your eyes. I'm human, I'm kind of disgusting, but it's beyond my control and I do my best.

Given that my bloating issues arise at night, I often will not sleep in the same bed as a boyfriend until I am 100% comfortable. With my last boyfriend I explained the situation, the reason I couldn't share a bed with him overnight, and assured him that it was for his benefit more than mine (lol). He was fine with it. I found that I frequently had a lot of explaining to do as far as the disorder goes. Like why I experience anxiety when leaving the house, why I won't sleep in the same bed as him, what I'm feeling during attacks, etc etc... helps a lot. If you just tell someone you have IBS, even if they know what it is, I find they don't really understand the type of impact it has on one's life. All that needs to be explained.

IBS and dating is a complex issue but believe me it can be done!


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## ibscripple (May 7, 2013)

I dated homebodies.People that didn't like being out in public.Someone very understanding and willing to take the time to get to know and understand our condition.It's sad to say,but it helps if the other person has it also.May need to add a second toilet in the home.I have lost countless relationships over my IBS-D.It's strained relationships with the few family members I still have living.It's hard for me to feel close to someone when I am having IBS-D flare ups.I usually prefer to be completely alone during these times.It's hard for most to understand that.Keeping and open line of communication with each other is important.


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## Krista1994 (May 20, 2013)

I am like that now in 18 and just recently was diagnosed with ibs -D and I got into a seriouse relationship and I feel it's messing up my relationship . It's upsetting, we argue so much about the problem I have . Sometimes I even feel that he doesn't want me around and is just thinking I'm doing it for attention but I guess no one will understand unless they have the same problem as you but in the end you just think , if he really likes you he won't let this problem stop him from staying with you .


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## ibscripple (May 7, 2013)

Krista1994 said:


> I am like that now in 18 and just recently was diagnosed with ibs -D and I got into a seriouse relationship and I feel it's messing up my relationship . It's upsetting, we argue so much about the problem I have . Sometimes I even feel that he doesn't want me around and is just thinking I'm doing it for attention but I guess no one will understand unless they have the same problem as you but in the end you just think , if he really likes you he won't let this problem stop him from staying with you .


That doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be in with our condition.A bad relationship can worsen the condition and intensify the symptoms.It happen to me.I had a girlfriend that didn't understand my problem and thought I was faking it to get out of going out with her.She thought all I wanted was sex from her.I tried to explain it to her and reassure her,but in the end it just cost me my health.I got worse,way worse and I didn't get better until I found the right doctor.I still have problems with friendships and relationships because of IBSD.Until there's a cure,we have to chose who we let into our lives very carefully.I am here if you need to talk.


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## prettypoopedout53 (Apr 28, 2013)

Just saw this post and all I can say is WOW! I am just a regular person but never had a guy in my life that had any problem with my IBS issues. If they had they would of been shown the door.My first husband of almost 20 years very understanding,never had an argument about this issue, nothing but caring. Second husband of over 20 years same thing. Husband number 2 had his own isues and had to have his colon removed so that may of made him relate better but number 1 hubby was not divorced over health issues.IBS for me has impacted my work life more then anything as I work in the field and getting to or finding a bathroom has been a challenge many times.Just the last year I have had to keep a clean up bag and change of clothes with me at all times. This is the only part of it that embarrasses me and really brings me into a feeling sorry for myself at times mentality.If the guy cant handle it and be a decent caring adult then he isn't.............a decent and or caring adult. Dump him and keep looking as they are out there.


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## ibscripple (May 7, 2013)

I know the clean up bag.It's embarrassing going to places and having to check your bag and they ask you why you have that stuff.It's really embarrassing when they pull out the bag of adult diapers and lay them out on the table along with the clean up wipes and fresh undies.


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## hadenuff29 (Sep 18, 2007)

Hi everyone, Hi have also struggled with pushing myself to date women. I had a successful date last week though which gave me some confidence.

If anyone is interested I have blogged about my experience http://www.mytummytantrum.com/2013/05/29/opening-the-heart-to-the-possibility-of-love/

Good luck on then journey.

Jordan


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## IvyWinter (Jun 1, 2013)

I only started dealing with IBS-D about 3 months after meeting my boyfriend. I didnt talk about it much then, said i was seeing a dr for tummy issues, and that was it. It wasn't until later that I tried to explain better what my constant stomach aches were about (i sent him a link to the IBS wikipedia page, etc) and he's been nothing but supportive, if overly worried! i think he's so convinced it's something worse than it is lol but I think everything Aelise said is right!

He has his own circle of friends, and sometimes i can't go out with them, but he goes (though sometimes, he feels bad and wants to stay with me, but i push him to go), he and i already had the lovely experience of me having multiple terrible bowel movements at his apartment, so that broke any fears i had about him knowing because he reacted concerned, not grossed out. and yes, i then let go of the "lady-like" idea (though it took me a LONG time, that was a huge fear for me).

We've been dating over a year now and I couldn't be happier or more in love.

It's all about finding a person with compassion, friends, and who doesn't fear bodily functions, as Aelise said. And they DO exist, it just might take some time to find that person.


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## onyx (Jan 13, 2006)

I have been alone for 10 years due to unrelenting, unmanagable IBS-D. I can barely stand being around myself much of the time what with all the horrible symptoms. Also it has rendered me pretty much home-bound and so obviously the idea of dating someone who can't go out and do all the normal fun things like movies and concerts and dinners etc. is a drag.

Back when I first had the symptoms I was in denial and kept trying to go on with my dating life as before, but several times I had truly embarrassing situations, like going to dinner only to disappear to the bathroom for 45 mins. then after dinner having to go back in for another round.

I know that there are many on this board who have found people who understand etc. and for them they're willing to struggle and fight in order to have that human intamacy with another, but I find it's just easier to be alone than to try and maintain any real relationship with someone given how much this disease has crippled my day-to-day existence.

I don't write this to be a downer, and I hope unlike me others are able to form relationships, but I write this so the other quiet people lurking in the background like me, who sit home alone on weekends watching movies or reading when they know they could be out on a fun date otherwise, that those people will know they're not alone, and that not everyone can just go marching on with life as if IBS isn't a dealbreaker in how they relate to others.


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## ibscripple (May 7, 2013)

onyx said:


> I have been alone for 10 years due to unrelenting, unmanagable IBS-D. I can barely stand being around myself much of the time what with all the horrible symptoms. Also it has rendered me pretty much home-bound and so obviously the idea of dating someone who can't go out and do all the normal fun things like movies and concerts and dinners etc. is a drag.
> 
> Back when I first had the symptoms I was in denial and kept trying to go on with my dating life as before, but several times I had truly embarrassing situations, like going to dinner only to disappear to the bathroom for 45 mins. then after dinner having to go back in for another round.
> 
> ...


I understand exactlly what you mean.There was a seven year period where I was unable to leave home,even when I had to keep appointments.I finally had enough.I made the decision,come hell or high water,I was going to regain some form of my independece back.It has taken a couple years but I am able to leave home and do what I need to do.I even get a chance to get out and ride my old motorcycle from time to time.Don't give up.Finding the right doctor and getting the proper treatment will bring you back out.IF I was closer,I'd hang out just so you wouldn't feel so alone.I know that feeling and it's awful.


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## mercedes (Mar 1, 2011)

Iv been very lucky that I got into a relationship and were tgether a year before I got ibs, we've now been tgether almost four years now and althou we can argue about it from time to time hes so understanding!. we have to plan things around my ibs..i used to beembarressed going to the toilet when he was around but now i just go and tbh he doesnt even notice ive gone for a poo! and we laugh about it if he goes in ther after me etc..tbh the one thing that scares me in life is if one day I lose him, I always ask myself why is he with me when he could be with someone that can go do things normally? I push him away a lot cos im afraid of losing him..I think that's probably the thing with ibs and a relationship I don't think it's impossible and I believe everyone with ibs can have a relationship,I just think its not going to be as easy as people who don't have ibs you both will have to work hard at it

No one should give up on love! No matter how ill you are. There's someone out there for everyone!


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## storyofmylife (Jan 26, 2013)

ibscripple said:


> I dated homebodies.People that didn't like being out in public.Someone very understanding and willing to take the time to get to know and understand our condition.It's sad to say,but it helps if the other person has it also.May need to add a second toilet in the home.I have lost countless relationships over my IBS-D.It's strained relationships with the few family members I still have living.It's hard for me to feel close to someone when I am having IBS-D flare ups.I usually prefer to be completely alone during these times.It's hard for most to understand that.Keeping and open line of communication with each other is important.


I found one too...she went to her ex before i could ask her out.


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## storyofmylife (Jan 26, 2013)

prettypoopedout53 said:


> If the guy cant handle it and be a decent caring adult then he isn't.............a decent and or caring adult. Dump him and keep looking as they are out there.


Totally agree. What if he got IBS and the partner suddenly got cured ? Hypothetical...but should the partner leave him ? I dont think so.

I not very religious, but don't we take the wedding vow of stating with our spouse through thick and thin ?


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## storyofmylife (Jan 26, 2013)

hadenuff29 said:


> Hi everyone, Hi have also struggled with pushing myself to date women. I had a successful date last week though which gave me some confidence.
> 
> If anyone is interested I have blogged about my experience http://www.mytummytantrum.com/2013/05/29/opening-the-heart-to-the-possibility-of-love/
> 
> ...


I just read the first paragraph and liking it already....thanks for the blog post. But, I still tread with caution. Oh the skeptic in me :|


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## JuliannaCol (Jan 1, 2013)

mydogsandme said:


> Single again and in my early 50's,I've had ibs for many years but am currently having a very bad flair-up-6 visits to the loo so far today and more to come. I was married for many years and my husband was understanding of the limitations it caused me but I know it had an impact on our lives together. I'm wondering how on earth anyone manages to find and maintain a new relationship with all the problems it causes? One thing when it creeps up later in a marriage maybe and you feel secure and loved but what man would stick around when you cancel dates,don't feel like sex and have chronic wind?! Even explaining it to someone would be embarrassing and send them running. I'm not looking for a long term relationship yet and in fact have a close "friend" that I sometimes get together with but there is no pressure as there would be waking up with someone every day and planning things together. He doesn't believe ibs exists anyway. There are many many days I wouldn't have the energy to go out or certainly not have a regular sex life.With this in mind I don't really expect to ever find someone who understands,except maybe another sufferer.Does anyone else feel like this?


Well, I am a little younger than you are, but I think this affect us women at all ages. Sadly it is a difficult thing to handle, specially during those crisis you don't even feel like getting out of bed. (Like me in this moment).

My 3-years-boyfriend was "understanding" most of the times. He tried to cook for me being able to eat, or went to the Drugstore to find things I needed and stuff. We started having some problems -non ibs related- and then my ibs suddenly became and issue. "you never want to go out anymore" "you always want to stay home and watch movies" "you don't wanna have sex with me anymore. is there someone else" After some weeks of this stupid complaining I got tired, and although he was a nice guy, I had to leave him. I think he just was fishing for excuses. The very best decision I've made. I think no one who makes you feel like there is something wrong with being sick, or make you feel unappropriate or unwelcomed deserves your time and company. Yes, it is complicated, yes, several weekends or nights you may find nices to stay home on your pj's, so? they should learn how to deal with this anyway,it is not like you are doing it un purpose or! . Keep thinking how others feel around you will only bring stress. And we all know how our bowels like stress.

I've found that this problem is a truly difficult matter to deal in relationships; and I mean, any kind of relationships. I almost don't have any kind of social life hese days anymore. I just manage to go to work and come back home, but at weekends? Everything I want to do is staying at bed with the electric heating pad on my tummy and with a WC very close to my room. I really want to go back to my all self. going out, having a drink, eating like a normal person for a change! Stop asking the waiter to change or substitute everything!

People might try to convince you that they understand. Sometimes they do, but it feels like nobody really does sometimes. Finding the elusive relationship is always difficult, with or without ibs in the package*.* I guess if you get to find a person who likes you and loves you (and this is my Hallmark sponsored sentence) just as you are, ibs shouldn't be a problem.

It is in fact very disabling, but surrounding yourself with people who don't care how many times you go poop during the day is the trick. It's just a matter of being honest and not hiding something that is a regular part of your day. The will understand. Would you mind if he is the one being limited because of a disease all the time and constantly using the bathroom? I know for sure i don't! just I won't talk about it on a first-date I guess... Remember, everybody poops...

I know it is challenging, I am going thorugh the same thing and certainly iis not a walk in the park, but, don't lose faith! We have already had someone who did understod about our"restrictions", and we live in a very big world. I hope too for Our George Clooney to be around the corner...


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## arraywhite (Jun 26, 2013)

My first and third boyfriends have been more than understanding with my condition. My current bf is totally supportive though he gets very annoyed at times, but really you just need to find the right guy, someone who will understand and care about your condition. I was lucky because his own brother has the same condition and so he's used to it already.

If you find the right guy, he'll understand and it won't be a problem at all. We've been together 3 years and he knew about my condition from the first month we were together (I told him honestly and clearly what it meant) and he's even had to go through a huge, embarassing IBS accident with me and even helped me clean up.

Don't let IBS deter you from going out there and finding someone.


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## IvyWinter (Jun 1, 2013)

Arraywhite,

The fact that he faced an accident with you and helped you is amazing. I can hope that if I end up in the same boat, my boyfriend would react the same. That's serious love to me!


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## storyofmylife (Jan 26, 2013)

IvyWinter said:


> Arraywhite,
> 
> The fact that he faced an accident with you and helped you is amazing. I can hope that if I end up in the same boat, my boyfriend would react the same. That's serious love to me!


yeah. That surprised me. I am so skeptical of things, these things come as a big surprise to me. Happy to hear that you found someone good.


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## storyofmylife (Jan 26, 2013)

JuliannaCol said:


> I hope too for Our George Clooney to be around the corner...


I am George Clooney/100...Would that be enough for most girls ?


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## NefNef (Mar 15, 2013)

I don't think it is easy to keep a relationship..For me, IBS-D started in the beginning of the amazing man I am with right now.We re together more than a year.My D comes and goes.. when it comes it stays 2-3 days max, then I am ok for 2-3-4 days, then D hits me again.Its horrible.

My boyfriend is very supportive, though he wants us to go out so often,he doesn't like staying at home as much as I do..He has his own friends..I have nobody except him and my parents..I was never social, and because of my problem I don't like to go out..Finally we go out and usually nothing bad happens, But I cant enjoy and I am stressed al the time..

I HAVE constant FEAR that one day he will leave me , for a girl who doesn't have diarrhea so often, who feels sexier than I do, who likes to go out and is more fun..

I m afraid he ll get bored by time..

Its difficult and strange when the one is totally healthy and the other not , and the lack of health of me restricts his life...

If he ever leaves me I ll definitely put an excuse on him..


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## ibscripple (May 7, 2013)

NefNef said:


> I don't think it is easy to keep a relationship..For me, IBS-D started in the beginning of the amazing man I am with right now.We re together more than a year.My D comes and goes.. when it comes it stays 2-3 days max, then I am ok for 2-3-4 days, then D hits me again.Its horrible.
> 
> My boyfriend is very supportive, though he wants us to go out so often,he doesn't like staying at home as much as I do..He has his own friends..I have nobody except him and my parents..I was never social, and because of my problem I don't like to go out..Finally we go out and usually nothing bad happens, But I cant enjoy and I am stressed al the time..
> 
> ...


I hope that he understands what he has found with you and doesn't leave.I don't think he wil.I am a bit of a home person also.I don't go out unless I have to.


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## SJN888 (Jun 18, 2013)

Many people with IBS and IBD do find that they can improve their condition with very strict diets. Sometimes the things that cause problems are hard to connect to the symptoms because they don't immediately cause the problems. And occasionally, doctors and family members are skeptical and end up being not very supportive (despite good intentions).

Low carb diets (and other restrictive diets) are very helpful to some of us (Yeast connection diet, SCD, Fodmaps, etc). Some troublesome foods are obvious, some aren't (possibilities include wheat, dairy, artificial sweeteners, glutamate, oxalate, fructose, salicylate, caffeine, alcohol, etc). Its hard work figuring it all out, but it's worth trying. Don't give up on trying to lead a "normal" life....


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## amag (Aug 23, 2013)

I have suffered with IBS-D for about 8 years now, I am 32 now and IBS-D has wrecked my last few relationships. Additionally, it has negatively impacted almost all of my friendships. Even though I have *reasonable* control of the issue at this point, I still have numerous flare ups and unfortunately that makes me hesitant to go places with people. Its not fun for me anymore as while I am out, the majority of time I am mapping out where all the nearest bathrooms are and am just worried about "getting through" whatever the event is. Even if I am feeling fine when I leave, I still worry excessively about the "what ifs". For things that I need to go to I "pre-game" with 2 immodiums and keep spare immodiums and librax in a small pill container that I keep in my pocket at all times.. These days, I stick close to home, and only go places that I need to go. Its hard to find people who are willing to cope with someone who has this sort of issue. Perhaps some day I will find someone who doesn't mind sticking close to home and/or can cope with my IBS issues. At this point, I have come to terms with the fact that I will likely be single for the long haul and I am okay with that, aside from being a bit lonely. In short, I have no solution to offer but I can definitely deeply relate to what all of you folks are going through in the thread here.


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## onyx (Jan 13, 2006)

amag said:


> I have suffered with IBS-D for about 8 years now, I am 32 now and IBS-D has wrecked my last few relationships. Additionally, it has negatively impacted almost all of my friendships. Even though I have *reasonable* control of the issue at this point, I still have numerous flare ups and unfortunately that makes me hesitant to go places with people. Its not fun for me anymore as while I am out, the majority of time I am mapping out where all the nearest bathrooms are and am just worried about "getting through" whatever the event is. Even if I am feeling fine when I leave, I still worry excessively about the "what ifs". For things that I need to go to I "pre-game" with 2 immodiums and keep spare immodiums and librax in a small pill container that I keep in my pocket at all times.. These days, I stick close to home, and only go places that I need to go. Its hard to find people who are willing to cope with someone who has this sort of issue. Perhaps some day I will find someone who doesn't mind sticking close to home and/or can cope with my IBS issues. At this point, I have come to terms with the fact that I will likely be single for the long haul and I am okay with that, aside from being a bit lonely. In short, I have no solution to offer but I can definitely deeply relate to what all of you folks are going through in the thread here.


I could have written what Amag said almost word for word to describe my own situation. What frustrates me is people who don't get the severity of it, and say stuff like "Everyone has some digestive troubles now and then, why don't you just go out and have a good time and not worry about it", etc. They don't get that you can't just be philosophical about it when you have such frequent, painful, time-consuming, embarassing attacks. It really changes how you think, but trying to change how you think back to the way it used to be doesn't work since you still have the primary problems that come up again and again, to the point where you just want to forego the hassle and just stick close to home.

I've had serious IBS-D for ten years, and I can't believe when I think back to my life before it, how I used to just take off and go to social events and on dates or even travel for months abroad without hardly a worry about my digestive habits or bathroom locations, etc., and now of course it's taken over my life. It feels like a lifetime ago and I think like Amag I may be mostly alone for the foreseeable future. Luckily I'm fairly introverted and can do ok by myself for long stretches, but still I do miss the warmth of human connection. I wish others better luck than I've had trying to manage with it in order to have some semblance of normalcy in their relationships.


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