# How Can I Make Him Understand?



## 21840 (Jan 29, 2007)

My boyfriend and I have been together for years. He tries to be there for me as much as he can but I think he's getting sick if dealing with me being sick. He keeps giving me a hard time about taking days off of work, he thinks I'm being lazy. I told him that I just don't want to deal with being sick in public. I'm just too depressed to deal with the outside world most of the time now. He is such a positive person I don't think I've seen him sad more then like 5 times out of all the time we have been together. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I gave up on myself and because of this he did too. Have any of you had to deal with a situation like this? I feel like our relationship has been so hurt by all of this, I don't know if there is anything I can do to fix it. I used to be so out going and driven, that's what he loved about me, and now I'm not that person, so what's to love.


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## 16653 (Jan 7, 2007)

First of all, there's still more to love about you!







Try not to think negatively about yourself. I know it's hard, but it does not help. My boyfriend is understanding about everything, but I know it's hard for him to watch me be so sick. I feel horrible that I can't go out and hang out with friends every weekend anymore, or I miss his shows he plays with his band...I sometimes wonder why he's with me when I'm just stuck at home- and whenever I bring it up, he says he loves me very much and wants me to get better. Maybe try talking to your boyfriend and explaining how exactly you feel when you are sick, how this is a condition and you are not being lazy. I don't know what exactly your symptoms are, but say "I feel like I am going to explode and feel so hopeless without a bathroom nearby"...etc. Maybe show him this site so he can read other people's posts and see how they are going through the same thing, so he knows you're not just making it up or exaggerating your illness. I think the more he accepts and understands what you are going through, the easier it might be for you guys. My boyfriend was kinda iffy before, but now he understands how bad my IBS is. We joke about when we get married and get to the "in sickness and health" part, we're just going to laugh. (He suffers from horrible migraines...in fact, he is on the couch right now nursing one.) I really do hope things work out with you and your boyfriend. You can always come here to talk when you need support!


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

L~ASH... I really do feel for you... just around the same time last year it could have been me who posted something similar to what you said here, except that my "becoming not so driven (as compared to what I was originally like)" wasn't totally coming from my ibs (which is another story). But anyways, I totally understand what you're going through -- it is natural for someone who doesn't feel well to not want to be in a public place... There definitely are days that me too want to just hide away from the world forever... PLEASE don't give up on yourself -- first of all, _you may not have tried all the medication there is and what's important for yourself is to keep trying_... and also please try not to beat yourself up with it -- you are still the same person: you'll be out-going and driven as defined by your previous self if/when you feel well; but when you're sick, like anyone else (your b/f included) who is sick, you're entitled to have some down time even if it means avoiding work/the public... Just because we're sick more often with the same recurring problem, it doesn't mean we're not entitled to these down times...Then, I think also it is important to help your b/f see things in a different light -- I've had a few "talks" with my hub since I became sick -- maybe it is helpful to see yourself and let him see that you're still the same driven person that you've always been, but it's just that now a large part of that includes the courage to fight this illness that no one understands on a daily basis. The very courage to face what other people take for granted and never even given a thought -- and he calls that "not driven?" And on top of that, you're still working and you're still trying... I know it's not easy -- but my experience was that when both my hub and me are on the same page about how WE define "driven" and "courageous" etc., it gets a little easier for him to understand. There certainly has been times when I have to remind him of our discussions and be patient with him ('cause for whoever doesn't have what we have, it's hard for them to understand). And I must admit that there still are times when both of us lose temper/heart for some brief moments. But then again, we're only human... And as long as we've set these bases and reached the initial understanding, it gets easier each time. A person and a relationship grow constantly with or without ibs -- he'll need to grow/adapt to new situations, even if it is something like your ibs (just like any couple would grow in any other situation, only that this one's tougher). I'm still trying to figure things out myself, but I just said to hub a few days ago that we're both going to have to learn and grow together to keep our relationship an accepting, caring, and loving one, with IBS and other issues that's affected by it.I'm not sure whether I'm making sense with all of this ramble... I really hope you feel better soon and hope your b/f learns to understand better... Hugs and many good thoughts on their way to you


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## 21840 (Jan 29, 2007)

Thankyou Citrimax and Cherrie for your advise. I have talked to my boyfriend about the problem and how I'm feeling. It just seems like the longer we are together and the longer I'm sick the more distant we are from one another. I think he's just tired of dealing with the problems like I am. I asked him if he would read some of the different posts on her but he would'nt and said it was stupid. I thought it would be a good way to make him understand my situation better and he just shot the idea down without even realising how important it was to me. I have always been a strong person and even when I didn't feel strong I always hid it well. I don't hide it very well anymore and I think that is very hard for him to see. You two are right though, I can't give up. It would be a shame to give up now. I will try and talk to him more and maybe even make him read some of these posts. Thankyou again, mostly for understanding, I don't have anyone else around that does.


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## 16653 (Jan 7, 2007)

Aww. That made me sad that your boyfriend wouldn't read the posts on here. He's certainly not acting very understanding or even trying to be open about your condition. If I went to my bf with something important and he just shot it down...I don't know what I would do. Probably just cry. How long have you and your boyfriend been together? Do you guys live together? I'm not being nosy, but am curious.


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## 21840 (Jan 29, 2007)

I know that's what I think but he just does not understand that him reading these posts, something that simple, would help me out. I don't know why it would, maybe because then he would know I'm not crazy. All of my things are not at his house but I stay here every night and come back every day after work so I guess in a weird way we do. We have been together for about seven years. I think he shrugs all of this off because he doesn't know how to come to terms with the fact that I'm sick. He wants me to feel good and be like I used to be so he tries not to talk about the problem. If he read some of these posts it would open his eyes and I think he's afraid of that. The fact is though he's not being there for me in ways he should be and it really hurts. He's there for me, don't get me wrong, I just wish he was able to handle this situation better.


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

L~ASH, your b/f sound exactly like my hub! ... in EVERY way... I'm SO sorry that you're in the same situation as me...Mine IS there for me, too, _in his own not-so-right way_... In general he doesn't come here to read, either -- but with the conversations between us (or rather, I made him listen







) he's accepted that people here are part of my real friends and he's happy that I could have someone to talk to... He's even interested in hearing some of the interesting things that we talk about here in "the Lounge." Yet, I doubt in the short run he'll be able to handle the situation as good as I would like him to...I did have some success making him read some things in the Lounge -- it turned out that the Lounge was a good starting place 'cause the posts there sometimes are just off-topic things that are really funny or interesting... Sometimes he's doing something else and then I'd tell him that there's a girl there who's in this and that situation and needs help, and then I'd ask him for some advice on what he thinks is the right thing to do. He'd give. So, I think, as a first step, this was what helped me to let him know that the people here are just like him -- the people here on the BB are the same feeling, thinking people just like anyone else in this world. So, now even though he wouldn't admit it, he does like the people here and I'm hoping that one day he's going to come and read some of the stuff that I really want him to read...I totally totally understand your frustration and me too i'm still struggling with the same kind of things... I guess I'm hoping to suggest that maybe for guys like my hub and your b/f, we could first try to let them get acquainted with the people here through their not-so-ibs stories -- establishing that we're (and therefore you are) not crazy but are good ordinary people in every way otherwise -- and then they'll hopefully listen more, even to the IBS stuff that we really want them to hear/accept... i don't know... i got lost in my own words... hope i'm making sense...A big hug to you and hope things improve for you


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## 14448 (Jun 14, 2006)

I hope things get better for you.I have the same problems with my boyfriend. We are growing further apart because of my IBS and IBS-related anxiety. We've been together nearly 3 years but I hid my IBS at the start. When I told him he was understanding but he has v.good health himself and thinks IBS is all in the mind. He keeps telling me if I relax I'll get better!







Since my IBS and anxiety has got worse, I've started to push him away. When I'm having cramps and D I want to be alone. Sleeping at his place makes me anxious so I only do it once a fortnight now, and I never let him sleep at my place because I'd have to kick him out in the night if I had an attack!







I'm also moody, very fussy about food, turned off by sex and don't like going out much. Recipe for disaster?Well I've found some ways to cope. I don't see him as much as I used to, but when I do I make a big effort, dress up, try and get in a sexy mood. I cook him (IBS-safe) meals at my place and he's learned now that I like him to leave by midnight. We watch films together, share a bottle of wine. When I'm feeling good I meet up with him for lunch where he works. I've tried to explain my IBS and how awful it makes me feel, but he doesn't really get it, he comes up with lots of suggestions (like buying me aloe vera juice or herbal aphrodisiacs) which I try and appreciate!! Men generally like to feel they can solve a woman's problems, and feel helpless if they can't make a difference. I tell him how much it means when he listens and cuddles me.Good luck!


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Some great answers here...I would just have to keep explaining to him...print out this thread and show it to him if he won't come and read it on the computer.


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## Guest (Feb 16, 2007)

hi, im going through this now, i am very ill with my ibs and my bf is feeling helpless and im feeling guilty im pushing him away.


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## 21840 (Jan 29, 2007)

I just want to say thanks to all of you. It's nice having other people to talk to about this. It's a great feeling having others understand because I don't have any friends that I can talk to about this. It's so weird that strangers can be there for you more then the everyday people in your life. You have helped me so much, you don't even know. I'm sorry that some of you are dealing with the same thing though because it really is very difficult.


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## 13561 (Feb 28, 2007)

hi lashwell, i think we all have been going through the same difficulties and challenges. ive actually broken up with my bf over ibs and i lost my job to ibs as well. its not fun, and its not fair. all i can say is keep your head up, accept the fact that you have ibs and look for ways to alleviate the pain. Just know that if a guy is not willing to be there for you because of ibs and is giving you a hard time, then maybe he's not the right guy for you. What ever is making you stressed out, ELIMINATE IT!!! You dont need stress. Stress only makes your ibs worse. take care


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## ThewallsRclosingIn (Feb 9, 2007)

i am really happy i came across this thread. i too am dealing with the same issues with my relationship. i am very upset about the way my relationship is going right now. i dont even know if i can even call it a relationship anymore, as we are broken up currently. i met a beautiful girl with the most beautiful green eyes in college. it was love at first site. we have been together for over 3 years now but the last year of our relationship as been really rough due to my ibs and uc issues. she stuck by my side through thick and thin, and i appreciated it all. i always felt guilty that we couldnt go out, or i couldnt give her all that i am. i was so angry, depressed, frustrated about leaving school, not working, not going out, not having any other friends that i took it out all on her. she reached a point of frustration and left. i honestly thought i would never speak or see her again. we took a month break to ourselves. i took the month to really get my act together. i couldnt feel sorry for myself anymore, and i could let this ibs get the best of me. we arent together right now, but who knows what the future holds. we have been hanging out, getting to know eachother and slowly working our way back. we are going out more now, and now that i am working, money isnt an issue like it used to be. tonight we got a massage together, and last weekend we spent the night out on the town in the city. i havent had really any problems with my ibs in a month. its hard for her to believe me that i am doing better, so i am just letting my actions speak louder than words. i am going out, give myself fully to her and i hope she sees it. she is very understanding of my ibs, she never judged me, but i guess everyone has a point where they shouldnt have to worry about having a sick boyfriend. i really dont want anyone else in this world but her, i am in love with her and would like to marry this girl one day. i hope she sees the truth in me, and believes that i can overcome this. i am trying to just have fun in my life and not dwell on the bad because it is so much easier and better to be happy than depressed. i really understand where you are coming from. we tend to disappoint the ones we love but we feel out of control, and we cant help but do what makes us comfortable, and sometimes it is hard for those who do not suffer from it to trully understand. i just hope the love of my life comes back because i need her support more than anything.


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## Dandaman (Jun 1, 2007)

i know what you mean, my parents just think im lazy for not getting a job , but due to the IBS and depression you know i dont feel like i can right now i dont feel like i have any control.. but i dont really think anyone can truly understand it, unless they experience it themselves you know?


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## Kiss-Me-Deadly (Dec 3, 2007)

My boyfriend knows I have IBS but I'm not sure if he knows what it really is. He knows i get bad stomach pains but I think i need him to know why it happens. Anyone have any ideas on how to tell him seeing as it's a bit of an icky thing to talk about with someone you're sleeping with


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