# Why do men act like this?? (Rant!)



## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

Men are scum. Including Mr. Luna, who alternates between being a real sweetie and being a jerk. Today he was a jerk. I was looking forward to seeing him, cooked dinner for him, he came home on his work break to eat and was an ass. <sigh> So we yelled at each other and he took a frozen meal out of the fridge and left. I'm sad I don't get to see him, but glad I didn't have to keep trying to NOT throw something at the jerk. (when I come home and find half my shoes piled on my desk for some bizarre reason, that puts me in a bad mood. Apparently that is a more "acceptable" home for them than tucked under my desk. ARGGGG!!!)I'm exhausted from my workweek. It's Friday, I want to kick back. I chilled out for less than an hour after I got home before I started cooking food and getting a few other things done too. Yet he bitches about how I need to pick up around the house and haven't done this and that and this and that.... Yet he didn't go to work until 6pm tonight, and all he has to show for his efforts around the house are a pile of shoes on my desk and dirty underwear left on the bathroom floor. I'm glad relocating my shoes was of higher priority







So I tossed them on the floor because I needed to check an email for my other job when I got home. And I don't know when he found time to do this, but in his brief time at home when he wasn't bitching at me (maybe when I was outside watering the plants?) he piled the shoes on my desk AGAIN!!And the shoes thing is driving me nuts for more reasons than the obvious. Of all the things to pile on my desk, why pick shoes? Who knows what kind of crud is on those? And they need to go on top of my papers why??It just drives me nuts that he seems so intent on complaining about what I do or don't do, but does he do things too? No, he just works. Well, he may work more than I do, but he has no commute and I do, and my hours have increased, and he needs less sleep than I do...so I'm pretty beat. Plus I've been losing HOURS each week to bathroom time since I've been in an IBS flare for a while. <sigh>I don't know if this makes much sense. I'm just mad and had to complain to SOMEONE.And I'd like to know how the heck to make him see all the things I DO do around the house, that he apparently doesn't realize I do because I just do them without making a show of it. I'd really rather not stop doing them. For instance, last night I spent a good bit of time gathering up trash, cleaning out the fridge, vacuuming, etc. Yet he thinks I sat around the whole time?? I've also noticed my moods are more volatile these days. If he catches me at the wrong time and he is being jerky, I get pretty pissed pretty quick. I go from being able to talk it out to there being no hope for a nice evening rather fast. I;ve been wanting to go off my antidepressant (it's just a very low dose) but stuff like this makes me wonder if I should be on a stronger dose of one that is more effective for me. Do they just help keep you from being depressed, or do they even out your moods, too? Although I may be moody, if he wasn't being equally moody and a jerk, there wouldn't be a problem.


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## Krystyn (May 25, 2002)

Luna,I think ALL men are like this!! I hope Mr Luna can start appreciating you! Maybe write him a letter when you are not so in-the-moment and worked up?Antidepressants do even out your mood. My "depression" manifests itself as SEVERE irritability. Without my meds, I am a mess! But with them I am "normal". Hope this helps


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## Sydney11 (Jun 14, 2002)

You sound like you need a couple days off for yourself! Grab a girlfriend or just head somewhere for yourself to relax, get away and get some tanning done or something. You deserve a break!


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

(((((LUNA)))))







You have valid complaints. You may want to talk to your doctor about your med dosage. I hope you can get some rest, and that you soon feel better.


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## carolauren (Mar 14, 2002)

I have also found that anti-depressants even out your moods. Since both my boyfriend and I have been on Celexa, we get along WAY better. We don't over-react to little things each other does anymore. It's nice.


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## sunnybobo (Mar 16, 2002)

Wow. I think all couples eventually go through something like this. I don't mean to be negative, but is it possible you're hormonal and having an exceptional response to what he's doing? Is it possible that you've been together a very long time, and it just takes a little bit for one to set the other off (because you know each other so well and how to push the buttons)?Of course, I would TOTALLY flip out if my DH put my shoes on the desk. How disgusting! MG, all those germs!But I do have to ask this. Have you two ever reached an agreement on how the housework is to be split (inside and outside)? Some men seem to think if they take care of the outside chores and maintenance around the house, they have done enough. But unfortunately, I don't believe men really know what it takes to keep the inside part running smooth (shopping, cleaning, paying bills, taking care of appointments, etc, etc, etc. It never ends.)Good luck in working this out. I know it's a very sticky subject for most couples.


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## KarenP36 (May 24, 2001)

Like they say, a man works from sun to sun but a woman's work is never done... It is so true, here at least anyway.I wake up each morning and start working (typing)before the kids get up. Then I have to make each of them breakfast and make sure they have clothes to wear. This is a problem because my 6 year old is autistic and hates clothes. Dressing her usually comes with screaming, whining and crying. I make sure their back packs are packed and that they don't miss the bus. I then go back to work until my 5 year old goes to pre-school. While I'm typing I'm suppose to be doing laundry too and letting the dogs in and out a million times (the prefer not to travel to the kitchen to use the doggy door, they stand right behind me at the sliding glass door and bark!). My husband likes to eat when he walks in the door at 4. This means I must start something earlier so it will be ready. This preparation throws off my typing so I usually type while they eat. When the family (husband-3 kids...) is done eating, they all go their separate ways. My husband plops in a chair and grabs the remote. He'll say something like, "what do we have for desert?". I'll say, "we have ice cream cones do you want me to get you one?".... He says, "No, I'll get it...Oh, I'm so tired..." So, I wait and go get him one. Then he says, "I would have gotten it"...After I'm done typing I get to go clean up the kitchen,empty the dish washer and refill it. I get to pick up toys or other fun stuff after that, make sure Sam gets her medication by 6:30. Then every night I make him a sandwich for his lunch the next day and fix the coffee pot for him. If I forget, all hell breaks loose. Meanwhile at 9:00, he's taking his shower. For the next hour he lies in bed and watches T.V. while I scramble to get everyone ready for bed, brush teeth, read 3 stories, lock all of the doors, turn out the lights. Then I finally get to go brush my teeth and put on my jammies. I get in bed and he gives me that "touch", you know... "are we going to?"Well...after him not lifting one finger all night to help me do you think I'm in the mood? If I say no I get little comments about PMS, etc. So Luna, you're not the only one who feels like clobbering your spouse!


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## Ty (Mar 8, 1999)

I'd sit down and talk with him. But when you're both in a good mood.







Mr. Ty and I have an understanding about housework - fortunately it was never an issue. But every couple has their sore spots and I found that talking with him (after carefully thinking out what I wanted to say, so it wouldn't come across as he's wrong, I'm right, etc.) really helped. Regardless of how you may be reacting to his "jerkiness", it doesn't change the fact that he isn't pulling his weight around the house and doesn't give him the right to b*tch about it.


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## Patty (Mar 18, 1999)

I was married to a man who bitched constantly and could never be satisfied, no matter what! He would put things on the stairway just to see who would pick them up; talk about being anal! I finally gave up on him!! And, btw my IBS problems were awful during that time.


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## HipJan (Apr 9, 1999)

Luna, I believe than "men" (generalizing here) tend to mellow and calm down gradually as they age; they aren't half bad when they're in their 40s (sorry, I know that's a long time)!







Also, it takes some time in living with a person to find out "what works" for both people. For the first year or two we were married, Mr. HJ would "suddenly" (to me) develop a horrible, mean look and go off and pout for hours. Then that would get me so upset I might start crying (which is not something I do easily), which would finally make Mr. feel bad and start acting human again. I never even really knew just what I did. We don't have those episodes any more, typically, but are now able to better put up with each other. Hopefully, you will find that too.Finally, Mr. HJ mentioned this weekend that "guys" don't care about cleaning and fixing things around the house....why bother, they wonder? And why could it take us so long, anyway? "They" don't get it. Mr. HJ's a really nice guy, but it's taken quite some time to get him to understand that I'd like some help and that I get tired of asking over and over - and that it's hard for me to do so many physically intensive tasks all on my own when I have had so many physical problems (though not as many currently). Funny, but he gets really worn out doing one little physically challenging task. He'd prefer to do other things.







But he is improving!!!Good luck with evening out your emotions, too. You might need to find some little corner each day where you can experience perfect quiet. Suddenly, certain things won't matter as much as they did before. But it's difficult when you are working so hard, very difficult.







Been there too.


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## Rhetana (May 14, 2000)

Heh, Bobo, your knottie roots are showing. Nobody calls their husband a DH here.







Having said that, Luna, I think what you have here is a failure to communicate (LOL! sorry, couldn't resist).Did Mr. Luna do this before you got married, or has this been happening since you got married? My father still behaves like this, and it's because he was trained by his mother that the woman is in charge of all the cleaning, etc.My mother has a column by Ann Landers that I've never seen online about the woman saying "I'm going to bed" and then doing a thousand things before she actually does go to bed, and the man saying "I'm going to bed" and just going.It is definitely a gender gap thing.Hope you can get it worked out.







{{{{hugs}}}}


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## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

LOL I know all too well what DH means. I had quite a knot addiction going for a period during our engagement.I realized after our fight the other day that I was hormonal and that was a big part of it. Since I don't usually get periods due to continuous birth control pills, Mr. Luna gets rather spoiled with me not having PMS )and also with not having the blood to deter his friskiness). We definitely need to work on communication in general.I wish there was a good way for him to realize all that I do. And sometimes it's my day off and I want to be lazy for a day. Seems to irritate him, even though he does the same thing







I think I know part of the problem with household duties... before we moved in together, we decided how we would split up household duties. But then I got laid off shortly before cohabitation was to begin. And since I was not working or working very little, it made since that I do more of the stuff around the house. I was worried that when I went back to work, he would still expect me to do more. And that is the case.







He works more hours than I do, but I'm plenty busy too, and he needs to realize unless he squeezes some cleaning time into his schedule, things are not going to get done.Also, I'm the one who is constantly fighting my slobbish nature. I have a pretty high tolerance for clutter, so I don't always think a room needs picking up when he thinks it does. But while I have a lot of clutter around, things like leaving a glass on his desk with a thin film of soda which becomes syrup on his desk for two days drives me nuts! And me leaving a book sitting somewhere for a few days bothers him.We are starting to look at houses a little... and while we need more space, and not being cramped helps reduce clutter somewhat. But I was thinking today, if *I* end up being the only one taking care of the house, that's NOT going to be good!And I'll be the one taking care of things outside, too. He has to mow because my allergies act up too bad when I do it. But unless he gets interested, he won't be planting flowers or watering them. Currently he doesn't have to mow because we have a small yard and the guy on the other side of the duplex does it because he enjoys it.Thank you all for your caring and support







And Karen, I'm sorry to hear you are so busy!! I am trying to get him retrained NOW before we have kids... I can't imagine how bad the split of work around the house will be then!







As it is, the few days I've worked at home, and tried to do some of the work while he was there, he was bugging me to come do this and that.







I told him I AM NOT HERE. Act like I am at the office. I am shut in the office here and unless it's very important, don't interrupt me! I finally had to give up and do the work late at night. <sigh> And the worst part was the stuff he was bitching about could have easily waited a few hours.


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## Rhetana (May 14, 2000)

<grumbles to herself> I STILL have a knot addiction - the newlywed board.


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## Auroraheart (Aug 8, 2000)

NOW I remember why I am single!!







And darnit...I have no idea what a DH is or these "knot" mentions? Or maybe it's something kinky that needs to go to the Adult side?







LOL


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## newlearner (Jun 7, 2001)

LunaSince you're working now it's time to talk and definitely renegotiate splitting of household chores. Be very honest and train him well or you'll be stuck with everything. My husband is a gem (I met him when he was 19 and I trained him very well) I must say he does alot more around the house than I do, but for several years I had to support both of us. To me this male female thing is crazy...everyone can do everything around the house...marriage isn't easy at first until you get used to each others ways but I think it's definitely worth it if you get the right man.


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## JennT (Jul 17, 2000)

Mr. JennT can't do much around the house because of his back problems. I have asthma. So I do the day-to-day standing-up stuff (like dishes and general tidying up). We split the laundry (each does our own), and the vacuuming (although I have to cart it down the stairs for him - he can push it but not lift it). He does the bathrooms and the stove, because my asthma can't take the chemicals. It works out. But even then I sometimes feel like I'm doing it all, because my chores are everyday and his are here-and-there.


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## Jeanne D (Nov 14, 2001)

I think women live longer because in general they do more. As the saying goes, a woman's work is never done.. and that is so true.It's important that you get Mr Luna to do his equal share. Just because you are a woman, it shouldn' t be taken for granted that you are supposed to do everything around the house.You are working just as hard as he is, so it's only fair.It takes awhile to get used to each other, and to adjust to one another as well. I think you and Mr Luna will in time.Hang in there...All the best to you both,Jeanne


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## PippylongStockings (Jun 6, 2002)

Maybe I missed this but why did he put the shoes on the table?


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## sunnybobo (Mar 16, 2002)

Well, at first I didn't realize what a knot addiction was (never heard of that) I'm assuming it has to do with physical relations. I refer to my DH as "DH" because he truly is a dear person and it's not a honeymoon phase, we've been together too long for that. I've been married before and am wiser now (at least I think I am LOL) When we first started living together, we agreed about the split of household/other duties. No way I was going through doing most of everything else again with minimal input from the SO! Unfortunately, due to other illnesses that I have, I'm not working, and my DH has taken on some of my chores. He doesn't do them as frequently as I would have previously, but I do appreciate the effort.But, he's not without fault. It took about 2 weeks for him to put up a shelf for me. But it got done. And you should have heard him bragging about how good it looked! Anyway, I believe it's a very good idea to have a plan, reach an understanding, as to what each person is to do in the household. Just because one partner believes the other has more free time from work responsibilities, does NOT mean the other should shoulder most of the household responsibilities!And the shoes! Geez, Louise! Like I said before, I'd totally flip out on that! That's just downright disgusting!Good luck negotiating this.


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## Ty (Mar 8, 1999)

This knot addiction is refering to http://www.theknot.com Sorry about the website mix up! This is the correct one now.


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## Jeanne D (Nov 14, 2001)

What is a knot addiction.I went to that site and it's in japanese.You lost meJeanne


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## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

Ty, you must have it bookmarked.. it's www.theknot.com Gotta have "the" in there or you get something different.The knot is a website for planning weddings. It has discussion boards for planning, newlyweds, etc. DH (Dear Husband) and FI (Fiance) are commonly used abbreviations on there. People who frequent the knot are "knotties"


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## Rhetana (May 14, 2000)

Yeah, just like we IBS-BBers have our own jargon, the knotties do too. Their newlywed board is most amusing. I lurk there just to see what's what.


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## Michele (Feb 4, 1999)

DH is commonly used on the Oxygen boards too, along with DD (Dear Daughter) and DS (Dear Son).


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## Jeanne D (Nov 14, 2001)

Not knowing what "DH" stood for I assumed it meant... *blush*.. " Di** Head.OOPS LOL !!Where is my mind.. geesh !Jeanne


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## rocks (Jun 24, 2002)

lUNA,Uping your anti depressents aren't going to make whats depressing you go away. (hubby!!) His attitude is poor. However, since he thinks you do nothing but sit around the house, pace your house cleaning chores when he is around and up. This way he SEE'S YOU doing stuff. You could also include him in the clean up at that point. i.e. doing laundry...Hon I'm doing the lites, anything you have to add to the wash put in THIS PILE. etc. At another point when your cleaning something and hubby is near, say " hon, do you mind the cloths need to be put in the dryer" . ...I get the feeling you pick up constantly after him. One good trick, is pick up after yourself and keep your stuff neat.(very neat) Then his mess shows up big time. Then he won't complain about the pyle of underware that he left in the bathroom...I think the best way is not to complain about HIS mess. But work with him without him knowning it. i.e. Hon, would you mind picking up these cloths etc on the floor, or put away your shoes, so I can run the vaccume? We have a tendancy to think, they should just know to do this, I shouldn't have to say, help out or pick up after yourself. Use your mouth, but do it with some stratigy. Don't do over kill, a little at a time to start off. Big thing here is 'THANK HIM, when he does do something for you. Say "Oh,hon, that was a big help/ thanks." You get more with sugar. It worked for me. Good Luck.


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## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

Thanks for the advice rocks (and others I haven't thanked yet)!Actually, he is usually fairly good about picking up his stuff... a lot better than I am at it! The things that drives me nuts is when he gives me heck for leaving something out and he does too! I just don't b*tch at him about it, unless he starts doing it first.He seems to think since he picks up most of the stuff he is soley responsible for, he is OK, and doesn't need to worry about other stuff. He will contribute to cleanup, but waiting for it is horrible! Example: He said he would clean the bathroom. I got sick of waiting and cleaned the toilet. He was going to clean the rest Tues. Then he worked a little more that day and now he's pushed it to either Sat. or Sunday. Meanwhile, the mildew in the tub just keeps growing! And this is a household task that we try to have him do because my allergies act up plus I am sensitive to the cleaning chemicals.He's being a little better lately. I like the ideas on how to make him realize what I do!


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## anxiolytics (May 15, 2002)

That's too funny Jeanne! your definition of DH!Luna, my DH is bothered a lot by what I don't get done, but I also notice that I am SO testy off of my antidepressants. I mean moody like you can't believe, and my emotions combined with my anger and frustration over the pain make me unbearable at times. But he does not do stuff himself like he used to, and like Mr. Luna, he doesn't really like to clean but he usuall "gets around" to it. He used to be a monster about it though, I think he finally gave up because I am such a messy person.When I was home, My father did stuff like this all the time to my mom, he dumped things that haven't been put away, or hides things that are of value to "punish" people. I think it's about control: feeling as though you've lost it and not knowing a good way to regain it.Anyway, I definitely think being off of my high dose antidepressant (I'm still on a little) has made me a lot more unstable. If you're feeling shaky and moody right now I would definitely talk to your doctor about going up instead of down.


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