# Husband just doesn't understand...



## 14542 (Jul 18, 2006)

I have been suffering with IBS/D for about 20 years now...I think I know a bit about my body and how it reacts to things. I also know that it really doesn't matter what I eat to "set it off". My husband is always putting in his two cents saying "well, what did you eat today"? It usually isn't anything dairy, or fatty...it could have been just a bowl of soup...doesn't matter. But he seems to think he knows what to do and we argue about this sometimes. I tell him it doesn't matter, he says it does. The Mayo Clinic site says NO ONE knows what really causes it. After a "bout" I am exhausted. He thinks I should just buck up and get on with it...he says "you've had this for so many years now...aren't you used to it?" ARRRGHH! He doesn't understand, when it's really bad how the pain can be so intense I will sweat and my eyes water! How can I get him to sympathize with me instead of criticising me??


----------



## mdonbru (Oct 15, 2003)

That's a tough one - if he doesn't sympathize by now, I'm not sure he ever will. My ex-husband was like that (we didn't divorce over this issue, but it didn't help). He always said, "just drink some water and suck it up." I got so I'd make up other excuses for being sick and not being able to do something - faking a migraine usually worked. Gosh, I sound so negative...sorry. Have you tried having him read some of the literature that is out there? If he read some of the stuff from the Mayo maybe he'd respect that. I always figured my ex-husband felt somehow threatened by my IBS - he is a control freak and anything he can't fix or control makes him hostile. Maybe if your husband is reassured by you that you don't expect him to have the answers, he'd back off.If only he could be in your shoes for a while...then he'd never criticise again!Marty


----------



## 13639 (Jun 27, 2006)

I take my husband to the doctor with me and that helps him understand that when I say I am in pain or really sick he knows what I mean. He was under the impression, because it took me 5 doctors to find out that I had IBS, that this was all in my head or that fiber would fix everything. Now he knows that this is truly crippling some days and not so bad on others and that is just how it is. It does not matter what I ate because I am very careful, what I do, or anything else. That is what is so terrible about IBS.


----------



## Guest (Jul 18, 2006)

My wife never really understood what I went through with my D. She is the kind of person that goes once every couple days. Then one day she got really sick with the flu. She spend quite a while in the bathroom with D. She then came out and said "Now I know what you go though, I'm sorry." That made me feel better. She is really good about it now. She just understands that sometimes: 
we dont leave the house
we eat last thing when going out
we need a little more breaks in travelling
i eat things that are going to hurt me, because i like to eat
 I have confidence that all will work out for you. Good Luck


----------



## 21719 (Jul 11, 2006)

My husband trys, but gets frustrated when we have to pull over to use the bathroom and says " you only get one bathroom stop" That makes me more nervous and then I have to go. He says it maybe all in my head and that maybe he should not pull over and then I will learn how to hold it. He says he's trying to help, but he doesn't understand why I can't hold it


----------



## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Sounds so familiar - my marriage ended in part due to IBS - same stuff you are saying - even that I was doing this to punish him and I could get over it if I wanted to, etc. Had a trip to Mayo Clinic and many gastros - IBS patients have a physical mis-communication between the mind and gut - it is observable in brain scans.I just posted this on another thread, but maybe it would help you as well - There is a brochure here on this site that you might want to print up http://www.ibsgroup.org/main/brochures.shtmland have your hubby read - and there is also an audio CD that explains IBS to others - the IBS Companion http://www.ibsaudioprogram100.com/more-titles.htmlI have had my share of making excuses, lying about my need for the bathroom, planning things around bathrooms, or mostly not going anywhere altogether - having someone be unsympathetic only makes it way worse - been there - Good luck to you..







we are all here to support and care.


----------



## 21719 (Jul 11, 2006)

Thanks! This website really makes me feel better. I don't care what people think anymore and if my husband does not understand I think I will give him these tapes. I love him very much and I don't want this to scew up what we have. I feel guilty when I can't go on long car drives like we used to. I want to have fun!! It is soooo frustrating, I wish I was normal, I feel like crying.


----------



## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Jennifer - I have been where you are, and believe me, I know how hard it is to have IBS and try to have a marriage - also, feel free to call the number on the website if you need to talk and want more info about the CDs. I had IBS since 1983, and missed out on all my kids stuff, and suffered terribly, until I came here in 2000 and found some help - nothing works for everyone, but I was at the end of my rope, so had nothing to lose - btw - the one CD, IBS Companion is for him to listen to and explains everything that you are going through and to be as loving and supportive as he can - and to imagine having the flu everyday - that is what it can be like, etc. The program CDs (IBS Audio Program) is for the IBS sufferer. You can read about it in the links under my signature above if you wish.If you have any questions, let me know - all the best to you, and hope you can get him to understand that he needs to be understanding!!


----------



## 21719 (Jul 11, 2006)

Thanks! Where do I find those tapes? I think I will try those first instead of going to the dr. because we don't have good health insurance right now. My husband wants me to feeel better, but we just can't afford it right now.


----------



## 21719 (Jul 11, 2006)

Woops! I see it was in your last comment. Sorry


----------



## 23621 (Jul 26, 2006)

I have the same problem with my wife. If I complain about the time she spends shopping or at the gym while I take care of our 2 yr old and hope I can hold it, she says that my free time is all spent in the bathroom so it evens out. This is so frustrating.


----------



## 20556 (Jul 27, 2006)

I've been with my husband for many years, too. I've learned to just say "no!" If we're invited to a picnic or some other IBS-D stresful event, I just say "NO!" If he wants to go alone, fine. If he's mad, fine. I ain't dealin' with it when I don't have to.Going to work is one thing, but nonsense outings are too stressful. JUST SAY NO and let the chips fall where they may. I know he's not going to divorce me over this, we've been through too much already.He has health issues, too.


----------



## 17190 (Apr 1, 2006)

I feel for all of you. I went through the same thing with my ex. My much older husband I am married to now is much more understanding. If I am hurting, he rubs my tummy. He has several health issues too and I am his caregiver, so he knows that I have days when I am not feeling well and want to stay home. I don't have to feel guilty about my IBS anymore. It may not cure the IBS, but it sure helps when your life partner accepts the situation without snide comments, etc.


----------



## 17659 (Jul 29, 2006)

I have a wife with IBS. I am reading different sites to make some sense of it. I read about cramping, having to stop often to go, etc. Nowhere did I find, however, what my wife experiences. She sometimes has cramping, but nothing compared to what some of you describe. But what she has is this: All of a sudden she sais she has to go and in about 3 minutes it is in her pants. She sais, it is IBS, she has no control over it. Yesterday, she was outside of the house, just a few steps from the bathroom but she did not make it. It happens about twice a month. It is very difficult to be supportive. Is this typical that people simply accept they cannot hold it, not even a few minutes?


----------



## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Welcome bystander,Thank you for trying to understand what your wife is going through - her symptoms could be IBS, however, I would make sure she has been examined by a gastroenterologist to rule out anything else that may cause this sudden urgency. But absolutely can be IBS - no warning - just cramping, and urgency and explosive D. Though it may not be "typical" there are a certain percentage of IBS patients who do indeed have this problem. It is not your wife's fault, she doesn't want this I am sure.There are several measures she may be able to take, but she needs to see the gastro to rule out anything else, before suggestions can be made - you mention that she says it is IBS, but don't relate if she has had a diagnosis.There are certainly other causes for her symptoms - parasitic infections, gastroenteritis, weakened pelvic floor muscles that can't hold a movement when it is less than solid, and incontinence.Check out www.iffgd.com for information there. Also:http://www.aboutincontinence.org/Please do let us know if you have some specific questions - certainly, there are medications that may be helpful for this as well, but if it is not IBS, then that condition would need to be addressed - and too, individuals can have IBS alongside other conditions - say, gastroenterits - and once the infection is removed, the IBS can take hold.Hope this helps, and let me extend my heartfelt kind wishes to your wife - I feel so badly for her.All the best to you and to her in finding some answers -


----------



## 20556 (Jul 27, 2006)

Dear Bystandero you honestly think that your wife can actually hold it and doesn't??????????If I had a dollar for all the accidents I've had in my pants, even in my home, I could quit my job!This is the most debilitating part of IBS-D for me. I was on Lotronex for two years and led a completely "normal" bathroom usage life. Then it stopped working. The first time I had an "accident", at home by the way, I cried for ONE HOUR STRAIGHT.Believe her when she says she can't hold it. More testing is certainly recommended but if the diagnosis is IBS, then BELIEVE IT! I wore Depends to Disney World. Didn't need to, thankfully, but couldn't risk it.


----------



## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

IBS varies in severity. Some people can hold it some can't some have days they can and days they can't.IBS doesn't alway progress, so you don't have to worry that you will automatically end up to the point you have no control.If you have issues with not being able to hold it, it may be worth having the pelvic floor tested to make sure that things work well enough you can hold it. Sometimes there may be damage from childbirth or other thing that are wrong that make it impossible to ever hold it. Getting anything there that can be repaired fixed, or training the pelvic floor to be stonger may help.Some people are lucky they never get a GI infection or do colonoscopy preps which are situations where even normal people have problems holding it.No one wants to poop in their pants. No one enjoys it. Everyone would rather do it in the toilet, but some people *can not* hold it. IBS makes it harder to hold it than usual because of something called rectal hypersensitivity. For some IBSers the amount of distension that a normal person feels some pressure will be an amount of distenstion that causes them to lose control.K.


----------



## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

I have heard of lots of IBS patients who have had accidents - one fellow Mike has successfully worked with was playing soccer in an arena and had an accident while on the field - he had to walk the full length of the field in soiled white kit (uniform) obvious to the entire spectator crowd.I have barely made it several times - and cried for hours as well. IBS can be hell. Especially when folks consider it "only" IBS and don't realize how devistating it can be. If an accident were caused by colon cancer or similar, then more people would be understanding, as it is, they sometimes can be cruel - and I know this personally.Hope she gets some help and understanding...


----------



## 15581 (Jul 31, 2006)

The first thing I do when starting for a new emplyer is to see where the ladies room is and how many I'll be sharing it with. I try to make sure that no one can pinpoint me as the culprit for tearing the bathroom to shreads....but once when I was traveling with a co-worker. and couldn't make it to the bathroom, and ended up messing up my underpants, thankfully, I had my luggage with me and was able to take care of myself-but how embarrassing this was-the co-worker was a male, and I hope that he didn't catch on, that I had messed-up my clothes.


----------



## 20556 (Jul 27, 2006)

It goes without saying that traveling with anyone other than my husband or sons is a nightmare. The only way I can do it with some tiny degree of comfort is to take Immodium and be the driver. That seems to help.I worry about what I'll be like as an elderly person, I'm 52 now. It seems there's a lot of bowel incontinence issues in old age. Maybe by then there will be a cure. I doubt it.........Only my faith has saved me from going over the edge. Along with good friends and family (and intermittent doses of Immodium!! LOL!) I could really cry all day long sometimes.....I'm sure many have been there.


----------

