# Irrational Guilty Thoughts



## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

I was wondering if anyone else seems to suffer from irrational guilty thoughts when their IBS prevents them from being able to do normal things?Although hypnotherapy has helped me tremendously, when I go through a bad patch with my IBS - I feel terribly selfish and guilty for taking time off work to try and relax and get well. I feel like a fraud or a cheat although - I know other people would have no qualms about having that time off. Even when my doctor is extremely supportive.I perceive whether it is real or not that I'm being pressured to just live with the pain and deal with it and carry on as normal.Through my current bad patch my doctor has been extremely supportive and signed me off for a couple of days to catch up on sleep and try to relax. I must call him tomorrow and let him know if I need more time or whether I'll return to work. I feel really pressured that I MUST be well tomorrow and that I MUST go back to work whatever.I feel that is what is expected of me - and if I don't do it I'm being a failure and letting everyone down.Is this common to IBS? and if so, how can I learn to deal with it without turning myself into a quivering wreck?Any advice/experiences would be useful,Clair







[This message has been edited by Clair (edited 08-19-2001).]


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Clair, I imagine anyone with a chronic illness (especially when one doesn't always 'look' sick) feels this kind of guilt. I know the guilt of which you speak. I struggle with it, all the time. I push the negative thoughts out & try to see if I can manage whatever I'm asked to do. Sometimes I can handle it & other times I can't. I know there is value in just not thinking about it & forging ahead. But at times, my physical limitations come up & there is no denying I am not up to the task. This is part of the acceptance of it I suppose. I don't like it, but then again, so? I can't all of a sudden NOT have IBS can I?I have found guilt in general is a waste of my time & emotion. But it is there at times, no denying that either. I'm not perfect, BOY am I not perfect. I have no idea what my future holds. I'm currently a stay at home Mom. I have no idea if I can work out of the house & maintain home & hearth & be healthy at the same time. Today, if I was a betting woman, I'd be looking for better odds, if you know what I mean. Right now I dunno how I could work outside the home, I have enough trouble just getting myself to the school to volunteer once in a while. I mean with the amount of days lately that I don't feel well, I'd fire me. I wish I could be more helpful Clair. I wish I knew the answer. But perhaps someone else can help. Sometimes the guilt doesn't seem all that irrational to me. BQ


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## shyra22f (May 9, 2000)

Hi Clair







Thank you so much for bringing this up. I don't know if I can help you either, but I can say that I can completely relate.I've lost a few friendships because I'm always bailing out of plans at the last minute.At this time though; anyone I have any kind of relationship with knows about all my problems (IBS and anxiety). Sometimes I feel extremely foolish when I change plans or just pull out altogether. It does make me feel guilty that's for sure. But just like BQ said, feeling guilt is a waste of energy. Guilt really doesn't serve any purpose except to make you feel bad about something that, for the most part, you have no control over. I've heard plenty of times, "If you're sick, you're sick". There's not much more you can do about it except rest yourself and try to get better.I started a new job in June and have already called in sick once. I've got an advantage there in that my boss is an old friend of my sister who has known of my IBS for years. He'd come visit us out camping and we'd go 4x4ing and I'd bring the tp with me "just incase". So he knows I'm not making it all up when I tell him I'm not feeling well. At least with that it takes away the stress of thinking I'd lose my job for taking so many sick days.I can't even count how many times I've been plagued by that feeling of letting others down. Particularly my boyfriend. This may sound sad but sometimes it surprises me that he's stuck around this long. He's the kind of person that needs to get out, whereas I'm more of a homebody. Lord knows how many times I've turned a weekend that was supposed to be fun and socialable into us ending up sitting at home and watching movies because I'm not feeling well. So along with feeling like I'm letting others down I also feel like I'm cheating others out of a good time or doing what they want to do.And of course then I get worried about what other people think (another waste of energy but I'm working on it). I did have a friend who had the nerve to tell me once that I was just being lazy and she was sick and tired of me making "excuses" for not wanting to go out







. I think that has stuck in my head and I wonder who else thinks the same thing about me. But again, I have no control over what others think of me. Sorry if this was a little long winded but I'm glad you brought it up. This is something that constantly lingers in the back of mind, especially when plans come up in advance.. I can NEVER make a commitment. IBS had definitely took it's toll on my social life. I used to go out with friends 3-4 nights of the week. These days I see my friends once every couple of weeks, if that and the rest of the time I spend either at home or at my boyfriend's house.So you're not alone at all in feeling this way. I guess the best thing you can do is take each day at a time. You know what's best for you and over working yourself or pushing yourself to do too much is only going to cause problems in the long run.Take good care of yourself







------------------"I'm not a failure if I don't make it - I'm a success because I tried"-unknown


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## Maedchen (Jun 3, 2000)

Ah, another "SO, I'm not the ONLY one" kind of post







Clair - I can relate to how you are feeling, and to comments that both BQ and Shrya have made. I just wish I could offer some pearls of wisdom to help all of us. Unfortunately, I am a, not too successful, rehabilitating workaholic. I credit most of the aforementioned thoughts to contributing to the IBS. And Shyra's comments about her boyfriend, I have felt that way about my husband. Why, I could have written that paragraph! But they stick with us, heaven only knows why, so there must be something good about us. You asked if this was common to IBS. I'm not sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it is part of the whole IBS/anxiety/depression package. You stated "I feel that is what is expected of me - and if I don't do it I'm being a failure and letting everyone down". I think this is a common comment made by "us" at one time or another. I know I have felt it. In my case, I recognize it as part of the trap of perfectionism. Unlike BQ, I am still having problems accepting the fact that I am not perfect







I should be, why aren't I?! You also commented on feeling like a "fraud or a cheat" though knowing other people would not have qualms about taking off the time. Who is pressuring you to go back to work? Your boss? Your co-workers? Or that steely-eyed guilt demon named YOU? Isn't funny how we can allow others the time off we wouldn't allow ourselves? If your situation were reversed, would you be thinking "oh C is out sick again" or "gee, I hope C is feeling better soon"? Why do we beat ourselves up like this, when we are so understanding of others? Is there anyway you can bring home work with you? That may be defeating the purpose of the time off, but it may help alleviate some of the guilt. At least you will feel like you were contributing still, instead of "being lax"Now, I'm not sure if this is relative or not, but this thought did occur to me. During the last few years I was still working at my job, when I would find myself getting particularly tense about something needing to be done vs., say, going home or not being about to do anything about the situation; I found myself asking (to myself) the phrase "is it a matter of life or death?" I had taken a course a few years back describing our various international sites (a diversity course). In the section on our site in Israel, the instructor mentioned that the engineers would sometimes say this to each other in meetings when things were getting out of perspective. Considering who said it and where this was being said, put a different spin on the statement. When I would say it to myself later, I would at the very least stop the onslaught of panicky thoughts and reassess the situation. Things most often would not be a matter of life or death, but it helped me to put things into perspective. I could then ask "Will this matter 5 years from now? 5 days? Tomorrow? If not, go home."Somehow, someway, we need to learn how to allow ourselves the permission we give everyone else to be imperfect - to be sick, to say no, to make mistakes. If I figure out how, I'll let you know. You do the same, right?! In the meantime, remember, perception is relative and as we all know we can choose our friends but we can't choose our relatives


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

It was such a relief reading all your posts...made me feel a little bit more human again







My IBS seems to be cylic and when I have a flare up, I also battle against insomnia and the guilty thought patterns.Its nice to know I'm not alone struggling with it....I know what I'm thinking when this happens is not rational or productive...but sometimes its difficult to fight particularly if you have been a perfectionist all your life.When I go through a good period, I go back to being happy go lucky again and I don't worry about the IBS and feeling guilty.I made myself get up and go to work on monday and just forcing myself to do that and to concentrate on something else than the flare up seems to have helped me back into "normality" again.Next time I get a flare up I know I'll be straight back to feeling guilty for not having total control over my body...but I guess your right - feeling guilty is not productive and I have to somehow learn to get over it.Thanks for all being there for me, your the greatest







Clair


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## BBolen Ph.D (Nov 9, 2000)

This BB continues to impress me with how hard people work to get better, and how hard people try to make others feel better. This thread is a wonderful example of that. Clair has given us a treasure trove of irrational thoughts, thoughts that are very universal. Before I list these thoughts, I just want to recommend the book "Sick and Tired of Feeling Sick and Tired". It is a good self-help book for dealing with chronic illness. I came up with 5 thoughts and I thought it would be helpful to post each one separately over the next 5 weeks for members to dispute and replace. You have already provided some excellent challenges in this thread. The thoughts are as follows:1. It is wrong for me to take time off from work to get well. 2. Other people have more serious illnesses, I am just a fraud to be complaining.3. I should just live with the pain and carry on.4. I am a failure if I don't do what is expected of me.5. I am a bad person if I cancel plans because I am feeling sick.------------------This input is provided solely for educational purposes and is not to be seen as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always consult a qualified professional about your personal medical needs and any questions you may have regarding this information.www.irritablebowel.net


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## jane93 (Jan 21, 2000)

Clair,I can totally relate..and I think I have the same kind of anxiety..in fact I often wonder which came first..anxiety and perfectionism or IBS. I have a similar work related irrational thought..and I've come a long way as I even told my bosses I have IBS and they let me work at home which makes me feel guilty and so on...will it never end?I wonder if your anxiety is as cyclical as your IBS? I think mine is although I habven't documented it. I've done food diaries, but not mood diaries before. Jane


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

Dr Bolen,I'm sure I've got plenty of IBS related irrational treasures hidden away just waiting to pop out -let me know if you ever run out!







I've read quite a few of your irrational thought threads and identified with them particularly 'If my IBS is playing up, I must have done or eaten something to cause it'. The strange thing is that Jane is right my irrational thoughts and anxiety are cyclical, only am I plagued by them when I'm going through a bad patch - when I'm reasonably well I don't give them a second thought. IBS is a strange beast!Clair


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