# You might have IBS if.......



## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

OK... lets have some FUN with it. This is not meant to be serious, but to help us laugh at our problem. What are some things that may be funny and tell people about our problem.You might have IBS if ...... there is a stall in the bathroom with your name on it.You might have IBS if ...... you have the Gold Medal for the bathroom sprint.


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

I like this post - could be good !could be IBS if ........ your never at your desk !could be IBS if ........ you can recomend all the good public toilets !Could be IBS if ........ the first thing you do in a resturant/cinema/friends house is find out where the toilet is !could be IBS If ........ your partner suddenly gets an interest in aromatherapy (esp in the toilet !)


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## IBS2 (Feb 7, 1999)

You might have IBS if the drug company that makes immodium sends you a Christmas Card thanking you for another year of outstanding profits.You might have IBS if you have a phone installed in the bathroom.You might have IBS if your most often used words are "I'll just be another minute"


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

you might have IBS obsession ....... when your 22 month old son can say 'colonoscopy','gastroenteroligst', and 'stool' instead of 'poo'they grow up fast these days


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

Good one conners


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## LNAPE (Feb 9, 1999)

You might have IBS if...You manage to stock one the works stall, usually the one at the very end of the line, only Charmin bathroom tissue.You might have IBS if...You only eat out 15 minutes form you house.You might have IBS if...You make eating the last thing you do on a night out on the town.You might have IBS if...You hide Immodium in every pocket available to you.Take Care,Linda


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

Great Linda!!You might have IBS if..... you read the Reader's Digest in the Bathroom from cover to cover each month!!


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## Ashwoman (Jun 18, 2000)

Some of mine may get kind of gross:You might have IBS if...your bathroom looks more like your living room.You might have IBS if...all you have in your pantry is bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast.You might have IBS if...you find more mucus coming out of your rear end than out of your nose. (sorry! That was my gross one!)I'm sure I'll be able to come up with more...


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## morning (Jun 8, 2000)

Great one Clancy.. the bathroom is the only place I find time to read my subscription to Reader's Digest!







You might have IBS if... you have a LARGE basket of reading materials in the bathroom!You might have IBS if... you would rather cook dinner for a large crowd at home, rather that eating at a restaurant!You might have IBS if... you don't plan to leave the house for at least one hour after meals "just in case"!You might have IBS if... when you are invited to a social event, the first thing that crosses your mind is "I wonder if they have bathrooms there?"Okay, should this make us laugh or cry?


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

You might have IBS if...You pull in your driveway at 50 mph and waddle like a duck all the way to the bathroom!!!Jani


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if.... when you hear someone say "bury 'em" you think it's barium!


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## sickntired (Jan 6, 2005)

You might have ibs if you finally emerge from the bathroom and realize your kids are a year older.Your husband's pet name for you is poopy.You carry baby wipes in your car (and they aren't really for the baby)s-n-t


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## sickntired (Jan 6, 2005)

This was inspired after reading the post about the newly discovered thyroid problem (can't remember whose it was).You may have ibs if You refer to taking prescriptions as "doing" them. For instance doing magnesium, doing librax ,etc.


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

You might have IBS if.......the only shoes you own are spiked running shoes.You might have IBS if.......you can make the bathroom window rattle every time you are in there.You might have IBS if.......every hardy plant you buy for the bathroom dies within a week.You might have IBS if.......you spend more time choosing which air freshner to buy than doing the rest of your shopping.You might have IBS if.......you know how much every brand of air freshner is, but you can't remember how much a loaf of bread is.


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

This one is a blast.... everytime I read someone else's it reminds me of another.You might have IBS if.... you know the location and cleanliness of every store's bathrooms between work and home.


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## Un Fatigued (Aug 3, 2000)

Just wanted to say these are really great, guys!


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

Oh well at least we can see a funny side to our predicament!!You might have IBS if...... you find you have developed a flush the toilet as you #### method to hide the sound and smell.... you find yourself seeking the most remote toilet in the office.... you buy Immodium more often than your kids buy candy.... your toilet roll is delivered free by the wholesaler. ... you wish you could produce a log that blocks the toilet.... find yourself envying your kids BM's.


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## Joe (Dec 13, 1998)

You might have IBS if...You don't experience PAIN!!!Sorry...I couldn't resist!!!





















------------------*Joe*


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

You might have IBS if . . .. . . you chose your job because you were the only female in the place--thus a private bathroom. . . you have a list of restaurants you will not eat at that is longer than the list you will eat at. . . your grown kids hear you flushing while they are talking to you on the phone and say "Mom, are you in the bathroom AGAIN!". . . you find yourself on BB's trying to convince people that the word "or" is used to separate two separate and distinct words or phrases!


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## Un Fatigued (Aug 3, 2000)

LOL Joe!


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2000)

You might have ibs if your mate has to put up with:1) hearing: "I can't eat breakfast until YOU are completely through with the bathroom.2) hearing: the sound of you pounding on the bathroom door and screaming, "are you going to be in there much longer?"3) running naked out of the bathroom with shampoo in his hair and foam on his face, colliding with you running into the bathroom with your jeans already pulled down.4) the smell of burnt matches in the bathroom even though neither of you smokes.


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2000)

You might have IBS if........when you fart, your brother (who lives about 5 miles away) phones and says, 'nice one Sis!!'You might have IBS if.........a boat skipper offers you a free boat trip, only to find out later that the boat's fog horn isn't working.You might have IBS if..........No-one lights a cigarette within ten feet of you.You might have IBS if..........You can name more than three manufacturers of toilets.You might have IBS if..........Town friends come visit for supper and say, 'Why does the country always smell of manure?'You might have IBS if..........You spend more time deciding what colour to re-decorate the bathroom than you do every other room in the house.


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2000)

Joe and Odeal - you are on the same wavelength as me







You might have IBS if......you only eat at restaurants that appear in the Good Restroom Guide....you discover an ability to crack walnuts between you butt cheeks.... you spend as much time looking in the toilet bowl as you spent sitting on it.


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

These are all good, but Daisy Chain's are tough to beat. I'm in too much pain to think of anything funny right now (does this mean I have IBS or not Joe?). I went off my diet and had one too many meals out with the hubster while he's on vacation this week. He's gotten a lot accomplished and I am grateful, but secretly I can't wait until he goes back to work so I can get back on my diet again. I guess that's how I know I have IBS!


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2000)

You might have IBSif you take your air freshner with you when you visit friendsIf you are driving somewhere with your kids then they point at a restaurant saying that's your poopy stop.if you go with friends to a movie insisting to sit next to the isle refusing adamantly to sit in the middle.


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## Guest (Aug 19, 2000)

I couldn't think of anything witty to add, but since I often try to find humor in this ordeal, I just had to say I really enjoyed all your posts. My favorites were:AJ55:if your driving somewhere with your kids then they point at a restaurant saying that's your poopys stop!!! Growler:You find yourself envying your kids BM's( I actually had that thought last week!!!!!LOL) and My all time fav was from Ashwoman You might have IBS if you find more mucos coming out of your rear than out of your nose!!! Thanks for the laugh everyone!!!


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## Joe (Dec 13, 1998)

I'm not sure Moldie...you'll need to run it past Flux.





















------------------*Joe*[This message has been edited by Joe (edited 08-19-2000).]


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## diamondgirl (Aug 5, 2000)

These were just too funny! You might have IBS if...when you're buying a new home, the most important feature you look for is 2 or more bathrooms.I can relate to so many of these!


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2000)

You might have IBS if......you go into a DIY store and see a replica bathroom and you have to use the unplumed-in toilet (the daughter of a friend of mine did this once, but she was only 5 at the time!)


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2000)

Too cool!


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2000)

OK, I'm inspired...You MIGHT have IBS if...---you can lift yourself two feet off the toilet seat without using your legs...---you have earned frequent flier miles from Bemis airlines (don't get that one? look at the name under your toilet seat)...---you can flush with your elbow without looking for the handle...---you get thank-you cards every month from Charmin...---you have to wear Kevlar underwear...---you've had surprise inspections from the EPA more than twice in the last six months...---guests notice the tick marks on the bathroom wall and ask who you're keeping prisoner in there...OK, obviously, the inspiration has dried up!------------------Never give up! Never surrender!


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## JeanG (Oct 20, 1999)

You might have IBS if you spend so much time on this BB that you find yourself starting to talk about poop to your coworkers in just a general conversation, and realize you've freaked them out! ooops





















JeanG


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2000)

Amen, JeanG!


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if.... when asked by and interviewer whether you wear boxers or briefs you answer.. "Depends".


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## KerryW (Mar 20, 2000)

I cannot stop laughing!!







You might have IBS if......you have a groove worn in the carpet from your side of the bed to the toilet.You might have IBS if.....you can beat the marathon runner next door to the toilet.You might have IBS if.....when you have finished on the "loo" and you get up, your legs are numb and you cannot walk!!!!







I wonder how far this post will go????------------------Love, peace and many groovies...Kerry


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2000)

These sure have made my morning!You know you have IBS when....... every time you're out with friends and someone needs a bathroom, they always ask you.... your total magazine subscription dollars is a budget item in your home budget.... you rate restaraunts on their bathrooms instead of their quality of food or service.


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## Guest (Aug 21, 2000)

You might have IBS if...you take advantage of a "buy 6, get one free" offer on colonoscopies. ha. (I've had several over the years, blech)


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## ShyGirl (Jan 13, 2005)

you might have IBS if......... you and your kids are on 10 hour car trips and you eat nothing cause you can't leave the kids alone in the car while" mommy makes a poopy stop". you buy the 4 bedroom "fixer upper"because it has 5 bathrooms you live with the blue and brown and gold toilets because a newer one may not flush as well


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if.... the GI recognizes you rear better than your face.You might have IBS if.... you thought it was gas and have been wrong more than once!!


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## BARBARA (Oct 4, 1999)

YOU MIGHT HAVE IBS IF:You have alot of stock in Cottonelle by Kleenex.You carry an extra pair of underwear in your purse.You hardly make it through an entire meal before having to go to the potty.You CONSTANTLY are cleaning the one toilet in the house that NO ONE ELSE WILL USE.





















You have to excuse yourself during an important conversation at work or socially.You miss Tiger Woods win every tournment because you are in the bathroom.You ALWAYS have to have something to read when going to the bathroom and wonder why because it doesn't take long to have BIG D.You are forever looking for ANY type of help with IBS regardless of the source.





















You have spent a small $fortune$ on products that you use and then they don't work for you.YOU MIGHT HAVE IBS IF YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THIS IBS BOARD!!!!!:EEK: :EEK:------------------BARBARA D TYPE


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if.... you can describe the 47 diifernt forms of D.You might have IBS if.... sometimes you are afraid to cough because of whatelse could happen![This message has been edited by Clancy Garner (edited 08-22-2000).]


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## NewBreedGirl (Aug 22, 2000)

tehehe you may have IBS if ....... you have this website bookmarked


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## Guest (Aug 22, 2000)

You may have IBS if...You are young but have joined the senior citizens as a "mall walker" because high school running tracks don't have bathrooms.


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## Guest (Aug 23, 2000)

You might have IBS if......You can skateboard uphill without using your feet....When you hear "D&C", you do NOT think of "dialation and currettement"....You always keep a dime on a string for pay toilets....Every afternoon at 3:00 or so, your wife asks you what you "think you can eat" for dinner.OUCH! That one hurt!


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## Guest (Aug 23, 2000)

You might have IBS if you are standing in a long line in front of a public bathroom and the people in the back of you beg the people in the front to let you go first.


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if... everyone at work recognizes your shoes from seing them under the stall wall when those terrible noises were coming out.


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## Nicol (Aug 13, 2000)

You might have IBS if.....People stop being polite and just come into the bathroom when they need to talk to you...It takes you an hour for you to get ready in the morning and 45 mins is spent on the can...You have a permanent stain in your toilet...You have glade plug ins in every socket...You wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and it is not just to pee...Your toilet paper is softer than your kleenex...You have to leave the bathroom door open for ventilation...You have lost all ability to be "discreet".


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## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

You might have IBS if...the first items on your list to take on a trip include:citrucel, stool softeners, laxatives, prunes, Ezekiel bread, and Miralax! Oh my God, thanks for the heehaw laughs-it's been too long!!!!


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## NewBreedGirl (Aug 22, 2000)

you may be IBS if ..... You can carry more gas than your car!!


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## Guest (Aug 29, 2000)

This is so funny!You might have IBS if:...you relate to everything on this post....you need to clean the toilet every time you use it....you know and only use the bathrooms at work have the most powerful flush....you wonder every time you are in the bathroom how many flushes it will be this time....you wonder what a "normal" BM is and if you have ever had one.


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if.... you've everwondered if the song "Night Moves" was about D in the night!


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## SteveE (Jan 7, 1999)

You might have IBS if you'd like a heating pad installed in your belt-buckle.You might have IBS if instead of appetizers you offer houseguests digestive enzymes. (Followed, of course, by an assortment of fiber and probiotics.)You might have IBS if one of your favorite songs is "Don't Eat the Special" from Dr. Demento's Basement Tapes Vol. 7. (I've gotta share the lyrics with you guys when I get a chance....here's a teaser, though..."Don't eat the special, it'll tear you up inside.It's most-ly MSG...Lightly-battered...And deeply fried."


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## SteveE (Jan 7, 1999)

Oh yeah...you might have IBS if you're actually aware of the fact that there are over 400+ different critters living in everyone's colon...AND YOU'RE ACTUALLY OK WITH IT ENOUGH THAT YOU TRY ADDING MORE!


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## jetbunny (May 8, 2000)

You might have IBS if...You are genuinely and uncontrollably thrilled when your favorite toilet paper claims to be "Now Even Softer!"You find yourself fantasizing about other people...and their sexy, healthy colons!The last time you heard the phrase, "I want you to take your pants and underwear off," it was your doctor that said it.[This message has been edited by jetbunny (edited 08-29-2000).]


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## PandaBear (Aug 29, 2000)

You know you have IBS if... instead of dreaming of a corner office, you dream of a private bathroom


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

You might have IBS if:*You do all your parenting through the bathroom door.*After being on the pot you don't have ring around the collar, but ring around your butt!*You use your year's allotment punch card at Wicks 'n ' Sticks for "buy 12 dozen scented candles and get the 13th dozen free" all in one single purchase.*They know you by name at Wicks 'n 'Sticks.*After a long "session" on the pot, the seat sticks to the back of your legs and bangs down when you finally try to get up...you'd think you would learn from experience!!!!*You store toilet paper in every closet of the house for fear of ever running out.*You store extra underpants under the bathroom sink so you don't have to waddle back to your room to get them.*You have wash'n'dries and paper towels in your purse.*You have learned how to hum absent-minded tunes that harmonize with your tummy rumblings, or other such emited noises!*You carry a duck-call with you at all times to blame the wind passing on!*You buy a dog even though you have no room for one just so you can say it farted instead of you.*You make up the expression "go fart to the moon" because you know you have enough gas for YOU to do so! And it is such a graphic sight to imagine...*You learn new postures for optimum butt cheek positioning in order to emit the most descrete toot. *When alone, you are able to play the "Star Spangled Banner" from the before-mentioned practice of butt cheek manuevers for various tooting pitches.*If you forget to bring in the cordless phone with you, you have learned the art of running to the phone with your pants around your ankles. (Provided no one else is home!)*You have conquered the embarrassment of bathroom noises by simultaneouly running the exhaust fan, a portable fan by the pot for those hot attacks, and running the sink water, flushing and playing the radio....all at the same time.*No kidding...one guy I know would sing very loudly as soon as a toot was on the loose!!!!(Needless to say we were rolling on the floor outside the door in laugher!!!..he did not have IBS)*Your son's high school buddies know to call out to me that they are going to use the bathroom!!!...Sad, isn't it?*Your son and his high school buddies play the piano and sing while waiting for you to get out of the can to talk to you. Yes, it is also true...*You have stop and start episodes before going anywhere...you put on your coat, then say, uh oh, no, it's ok now, uh, no, I better go to the bathroom, oh no, now I think I can make it, no wait, better go without me..ok wait for five minutes, if I am not done then go without me..ok, I took 3 Levsins, now I think I can go... Then in the car...turn back...no, I think we can keep driving...no wait....(yes it's also true..)Should we compile these and write a book???I enjoyed everyone's posts!!!!! better to laught than to cry, I always say...







Feel good everybody...if you can...well, maybe not while you are ON the can, but if you can....







I must stop now...------------------"Cookies" alias Marilyn


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## SCSJane (Jul 5, 2000)

You know you have IBS if you are laughing more than you have in years and anyone in your vicinity just doesn't get it!!!...speeding into your driveway at 50mph and waddling like a duck!!!YES...how funny!


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2000)

Hi Cookies4MarilynYou must have had IBS for a long time looks like you have quite a bit of experience


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2000)

you guys are toooooo funny!!!!!!!Judy


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## stinky too (May 21, 1999)

Oh this is so funnie...IF; you let a little toot and your faithful dog (who don't mind rolling in the poop outside) gets up and runs out of the room. One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beansfor the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running throughthe house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. Hetripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he shouldrisk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, asusual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, thechurch secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane,your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them thistime?"Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?" "Well," said Mary, "thismorning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary...." ------------------Prayer doesn't change God , it changes the one who prays..C type, with G


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## Epona (Jul 27, 2000)

These are all so funny! I can't stop laughing!!!Renee


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## Wes and Tracy (Apr 14, 1999)

I'll give it a try.You might have IBS if..... Your convinced that little extra pocket in your jeans was invented for immodium. You've angled the T.V. so you can watch it from the throne. You only buy toilet paper in the 24 roll size. You've ever gone to another floor in your office building because you knew it was going to be a dooozy! (done that a time or two, those suckers down on 12, hee hee) You haven't had sex yet this year with your spouse, but you are looking forward to it, and still have time to get in more nooky then last year. The hot water bottle/heating pads, normal storage spot is under your side of the bed.I'm sure more will come to me.Wes


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## Wes and Tracy (Apr 14, 1999)

I'll give it a try.You might have IBS if..... Your convinced that little extra pocket in your jeans was invented for immodium. You've angled the T.V. so you can watch it from the throne. You only buy toilet paper in the 24 roll size. You've ever gone to another floor in your office building because you knew it was going to be a dooozy! (done that a time or two, those suckers down on 12, hee hee) You haven't had sex yet this year with your spouse, but you are looking forward to it, and still have time to get in more nooky then last year. The hot water bottle/heating pads, normal storage spot is under your side of the bed.I'm sure more will come to me.Wes------------------Only those who risk going too far, will ever know how far they can go.


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## me3 (Jul 21, 2000)

You might have IBS if:- The most important consideration in accepting a new job offer is the location and condition of the bathroom facilities.- Your kids know when you go into the bathroom shortly before its time to drive them to school that they are going to be late - again.- Yours kids know that after three flushes you're almost done.- Your septic field is constantly failing (and no one else in the neighbourhood has the same problem).- Most of your clothing has elastized waist bands.- You accept invitations saying you're pretty sure you can come (no, of course you don't have anything else planned...)


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## squonk (Oct 12, 1999)

... if while living by yourself you positioned a mirror against a desk so that you could see the TV from the toilet during the '96 Olympics (and have kept up that brilliant idea)


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## FedUp2 (Aug 30, 2000)

These are so great! Here's one dealing with college:You know you have IBS if...you assess the lecture hall and restroom facilities for each class, and drop the class if the room is not "get to the bathroom quickly" friendly.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2000)

You guys are great! If only there was a large enough market for IBS stand-ups! ... if you think citrucel tastes as good or better than Tang.... if you've spend more money on digestive products than personal appearance this year.... if you've heard about the pig farmer that saves $1000 per month by converting methane gas from the farm to electrical energy and think .... hmmmm ... maybe I could save $60-80 per month on MY electric bill.... if eating out means a BBQ on the porch.... if you idea of a good heart pounding cariovascular workout is trying to make it through three hours in the mall.... if you cringe when you hear someone say "that stinks!"... if you've been on four or more different diets this year, and not trying to lose weight.... if you go to the bathroom in your dreams too.


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## Guest (Aug 30, 2000)

You might have IBS if........when friends invite you round for dinner, you give them a four page list of foods you can't eat......you can make the duvet on your bed hover for more than five seconds......you are better at pebbledashing your toilet, than the local builder can a house......you have had to pull Hubby off the toilet because you NEED to go......visiting guests have to let you know at least ten minutes before they need to use the toilet......you worry more about where the next toilet is, than you do about the state of your bank overdraft......you have farting competitions with your husband, and see who can stay under the duvet the longest (yes, I'm ashamed to admitt we have been known to do this!)


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## stinky too (May 21, 1999)

Wow you guys are so funny,














anyone without this dreaded condition wouldn't understand. HUH??If you silently fart in bed and your spouse say "What Stinks?"







you quickly pull the covers up over his head........














------------------Prayer doesn't change God , it changes the one who prays..C type, with G[This message has been edited by Joycein OH (edited 08-30-2000).]


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## Jana (Jun 3, 2000)

You might have IBS...If you know the fiber content of every food item you just bought at the supermarket. If as soon as you step in a bookstore or library, you need to use the bathroom.


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2000)

... if you buy a house with more bathrooms than bedrooms....every time you go out to dinner, club, etc. you strategically place yourself centrally located to all bathroom facilities.... your family and friends hold stock in Charmin and Immodium because of you.Thank you so much for the humor- all. You will never know how much I needed it this week. This was an answer to a prayer!


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## Guest (Aug 31, 2000)

I have to join in the fun!You might have IBS when........You scope out who else is in the bathroom upon entering praying you'll never see them again.You request airline seats in the last row nearest to the bathroom.You can locate all the bathrooms in the local grocery stores by memory. even the ones that are hidden in the very. very back behind the dairy case with no signs!!


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## Dennis (Jan 13, 1999)

You might have IBS if:You enter a public washroom stall and the guy before you forgot to flush....and you get "turd" envy!You spend more money on fiber than clothes.Your wife can't understand why you have to go straight home after you eat Mexican food.You never buy white underwear.You don't just wipe your butt, you polish it!You never fart in public...ever! But envy those who can!!You spend a lot of time by yourself.You fart in your backyard...and the neighbour two yards over starts gagging!You are a fore-flusher!!!Your pants get heavy while walking to your Chevy!Your favourite site on the net is the BB!


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## mack2380 (May 17, 2000)

You may have IBS if:-You roam from isle to isle in department stores, so that people don't realize the smell is coming from you- You go through a drive-through, and you order a chicken sandwich plain and nothing else-You see a commercial for a product to keep you regular featuring senior citizens and your 19 year old boyfriend just giggles-Your dreams no longer feature good looking men, but dairy products and chocholate. YUM!-When you have never been in better physical health from sprinting up the stairs to make it to the family bathroom-When some of your best conversations with your friends start with,"So which new drugs are you on?"Personal experience always makes for some good laughs


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## kati (Aug 18, 2000)

You might have IBS if On a road trip with the family, you're the one asking "Are we almost there yet?" instead of the kids. When you do go to a movie, you go way early to get an aisle seat as close to the bathroom as possible. You carry perfume in your purse to help mask the odor at public restrooms.


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## NoSpice (Apr 25, 2000)

You might have IBS if... You're already halfway undressed before actually getting out of the carYou've mastered the high jump over kids and pets while on the way to the johnYou can blow the covers off you and your spouseYou can walk down the hallway and sound like an instrument-not a pretty one either!!!


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## misty (May 8, 2000)

I read about this post in another post...and just had to hunt it down! This is hilarious...even tho I can relate to so many of these! But at least we're able to laugh about some of them...especially since it can be so sad dealing with it. Thought I'd "bump" it back up so that if anyone (like me!) missed it before...they could read it and maybe start their weekend off on a good note! Thanks for the laughs everyone!







)


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## mitchell goldstein (Apr 6, 1999)

if you think about bowel movements more than you think about sex!


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## Jay (Jan 1, 1999)

You know if you have IBS when:1. You never wear light coloured clothing2. When you say "Honey, I've had an accident" she knows you are not talking about the car.


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## Guest (Sep 18, 2000)

You might have IBS if...................Your emergency IBS kit for the car is better stocked than your first aid kit for car or house.Thought I'd bump this one for a laugh. We could all use it.


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## skinnyme (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have ibs if.....someone at works mentions they have a stomach ache and you ask all kinds of embarrassing questions that freaks them out....but not you! You might have ibs if your kids try to talk you into going somewhere by saying how nice the bathrooms are!!! These have been fun to read and we all really are in the same boat.


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## Constance (Sep 15, 2000)

I love this it is all so familiar and better than complaints You might have IBS if:When the phone rings and a husky voiced obcene caller says "I want your body" you can forcefully reply "I wish you had it". This happened to me 25 yrs ago duringthe prep day for my first barium enema. My mother who was with me got a big kick outof this. I never got another obscene call.C


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## kim_hurley (Sep 15, 2000)

Guys You really made my Day Keep it up!I feel better knowing i can laugh at my promblem with people who know what i'm going though! You Know you have IBS when...you find your self at the mall mapping were all the bathrooms are located! You Know you have IBS When....you take a immodium before you go to work and put 2 more in your pocket just in case!


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## Guest (Sep 19, 2000)

It's been a while since I've written but I couldn't pass this one up...You might have IBS if...You only run on trails with thick shrubs...You only run in races with port o lets every mile...


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## e-Fiona (Sep 5, 2000)

... if you try to stay very honest and on the right side of the law, only to avoid having to stay in a jail cell where you would have to sleep next to your own toilet!







e-fiona


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

B U M PI searched this one and saw I had missed the last 20 or so!![This message has been edited by Clancy Garner (edited 09-27-2000).]


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## Rose (Mar 25, 1999)

These are a riot. I do have one, but I hope I don't get censored!You know you have IBS, when you get more enjoyment from a perfectly formed poop, than you do from an orgasm.------------------"Remember To Stop and Smell the Roses"Rose (C-type)


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## Guest (Sep 27, 2000)

You might have IBS if you're lost in the forest and your scent can be traced easily, by even non-police trained dogs.


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if...when you're talking about the blood test it is to see if it's in your stool!!


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## LindaR322 (Aug 21, 2000)

I have been sitting at my desk laughing out loud...These are great!You might have IBS if you have a porta-potty attached to your car.


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## Guest (Sep 28, 2000)

I got a couple to add--You know you have IBS if... You notice all your favorite "hot spots" keep the new wallpaper salesman in business! Because of your frequent runs to the bathroom immediately following a meal, friends have started to follow you in thinking you have an eating disorder! ARRGGHH!!! Two words: "Fecal envy"... You're jealous of "the constipated"![This message has been edited by Trenton (edited 09-28-2000).]


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## KerryW (Mar 20, 2000)

Bump!


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## Elariel (Jan 1, 1999)

if every time you come out of the bathroom your boyfriend asks if your butt exploded!!!


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## Guest (Sep 29, 2000)

Here's a couple for us C folks...You might have IBS if you are known as the person in the family who s#*###s bricks and clogs the toilet. You might have IBS if know 101 ways to weild a toilet plunger.You might have IBS if each stool you pass is like giving birth - "Aw look it must weigh at least 6 lbs. 7 ozs." (Actually I think my son, though he took awhile to deliver, was less painful thanks to drugs - heehee)


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## PoohBear (Sep 5, 2000)

if.....even skunks put pegs on their noses when they see you coming.your local store orders half as much toilet paper from Kleenex when you're away on holidaysyou have a wardrobe of trousers ranging from size 8 to size 16, yet all your tops are size 8!!you are a walking encyclopaedia on all things most three year olds find amusing


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if.... when you have one of those rare fully formed stools you are tempted to call the family in to see it or take a picture!!(Had one TODAY!!)


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## sickntired (Jan 6, 2005)

You might have IBS if you are reading this stuff and LAUGHING OUT LOUD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!You potty mouths! Tee hee....Love yas n t


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## Stef (May 2, 2000)

You may have IBS if Al Gore accuses you of contributing to green house gases.


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## Guest (Oct 1, 2000)

I have to copy Jani's from near the beginning of this thread, I cracked UP!!! It's just like meYou might have IBS if...You pull in your driveway at 50 mph and waddle like a duck all the way to the bathroom!!!)I will add:You might have IBS if...you rock back and forth while playing a handheld poker game while on the toilet.....or: you always make sure your purse is stuffed with toilet paper before leaving the house.or: you panic in a public restroom when the paper is stuck in the dispenser.


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## atp (Jan 18, 2001)

I just did a search for this after seeing it mentioned somewhere else, and I HAVE to bump it up after LMAO!!Here are a few of my own:You might have IBS if......you laughed so hard at these posts it made you fart...and you're hoping that stench is JUST gas and nothing more.......you remember the exact location of bathrooms, even if you haven't been to the place in a few years....you know which gas station chains are more likely to keep have indoor bathrooms and keep them clean, and which locations have the nicest ones....you've asked a tour guide if the White House has a public restroom. (In case you're curious, it doesn't...a nearby park does though, thank god..talk about a whirlwind tour, followed by a sprint...)


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## atp (Jan 18, 2001)

for all the newer people who may not have seen this yet.. bump!


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## mxz583 (Mar 19, 2000)

a[This message has been edited by mxz583 (edited 02-11-2001).]


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## Guest (Jan 23, 2001)

You might have IBS if......for the health and safety of others, you yell "incoming!" before every fart....you don't have an answer to the joker who says to you, "What crawled into you and died?"


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## downtown (Jan 12, 2001)

You Might have IBS If.......Your bathroom walls have more soot from burning all those candles, than does your fireplace....you bum a cigerette (even though you dont smoke) just to light a match. Which of course you carry.....Your local police Hire you to break up a Riot with your crowd-dispersing gas.


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## Marier (Mar 18, 2000)

you might have IBS if......your family STOPS blaming the dog and STARTS looking at you







...you can identify with most of these


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## Metaphorica (Dec 24, 2000)

And let's not forget the Darwin Award winner: (who obviously had IBS)NOMINEE No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of otherthings). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the mandied in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging overhis bed.Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near-airtight bedroom.According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

Bump.... any new ones


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## Bloated_again (Feb 9, 2001)

Glad this was bumped.. "How did I miss this?"You Might have IBS if....You call all your b.ms by name as if you know them.1. The sinker-drops out quickly no splash.2. The floater- come up top for better viewing.3. The invisible turd- you know you went but where is it?4. The pellets-plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink plink5. The cannon- good heavens Where was that being stored? (ouchy<< grabs hemeroid cream)6. pencil- that can't be it? Where is the rest of it? I know your in there!7. rainbow- it is green or black or brown or orange today?Your jokes made my day.. I agree with the IBS joke book I'd buy it and laugh to myself because no one else would get it.


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## Guest (Mar 1, 2001)

You might have IBS if......Your friends and family EXPECT to see you undo your seatbelt about 1 minute before your car is actually parked at home!...Your toilet clogs so you leave your spouse at home to wait for the plummer while you run to the McDonald's "just in case."...You've given yourself a headache trying to "hold it" until the only other person in the bathroom finishes washing their hands and leaves....You've had to take your pants and underwear OFF while you're on the toilet because it feels more comfortable to be able to spread your legs wide apart. (Or is that just me?)Good stuff! Love this thread!Jeff


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## Sequoia (Feb 28, 2001)

You know you truly have IBS when: You've had every medical test on the market,which took you two years. Change doctors three times (atleast),to find one who believed you had pain! All tests come back to report, you are in excellant health-as you sit there half dead still wondering-what in the heck is this Irritable Bowel Syndrome Doc? This is killing me! Is it caused by osmosis? Did you say?


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

When people sign up to be MLM sales people they are given your name and contact information.K.------------------I have no financial, academic, or any other stake in any commercial product mentioned by me.And from the as if IBS isn't enough of a worry file...from New Scientist's Feedback column: photographed on the door of a ladies' loo in the Sequoia National Park in California by reader Liz Masterman: "Please keep door closed to discourage bears from entering."


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## Sequoia (Feb 28, 2001)

I will trade you I B S for H U G


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## Guest (Mar 2, 2001)

You know when:*you listen carefully outside the toilets at work until you're sure it's empty. (Not always possible!!!!!)*You collect up all the toilet rolls from three cubicles and carry them all in with you.*You scream inside when the boss declares ALL toilets to be non-smoking. Damn.*You fall asleep on the toilet.*You figure out a position to sit in, so that if you do pass out, you won't fall OFF the toilet.*You take your GUITAR in there. In fact, you've written some of your best riffs in there. In fact, you've smoked some of your best spliffs in there.And finally... in your council maisonette, with the paper thin walls, you JUST KNOW next door can hear EVERYTHING!!Have a good evening.Soshy xxx


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

You might have IBS if....You check yourself in for a colonscopy just for the satisfaction of that empty feeling!Fibre is to you what garlic is to vampiresWhen you go to the bathroom at work you have to hold it in in case your explosive farts burst someone's ear drums!he he you guys!


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## atp (Jan 18, 2001)

You might have IBS if......your pet hamster never has to wait long for a new toilet paper roll to chew, even with double rolls! In fact, you could supply a whole pet store!


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## Guest (Mar 2, 2001)

if... you started reading this thread at 12:30 at night because your stomach is in pain from gas and bloating and you suddenly find yourself in hysterics with tears rolling down your face and ribs hurting from the extreme laughter while nearly falling out of your chair..which leads to the passage of the trapped gas that lead you here in the first place! You guys are GREAT!!! This is absolutely the funniest thing I have ever read.


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## Guest (Mar 2, 2001)

You might have IBS if the first place your boss looks for you is the bathroom. or if everyone you work with knows you by your shoes


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## Guest (Mar 2, 2001)

Heck, I'll give it a shot! *while on the phone you make a mad dash to the bathroom and tell the other person you got a beep and put the call on hold. You can hear them in the background talking while you are, uh, you know. *Sorry Clancy, mine is similar to one of yours...You wonder why the Green Day song with the lyrics of "when I come around" or the hip hop song lyrics, "give, give, give it all ya got, give it all you got." comes to mind while on the toilet. *You keep a stock of toilet seat covers in the car in case the pit stop you go to is fresh out. *You try to look inconspicuous while traveling in 40 below weather with your windows cracked. Just jammin to the tunes, that's all...don't tell anyone. *Your friends buy you candles for Christmas, Birthdays, etc. Is this a hint? *You soak your beans for two days before cooking them. You still end up blowing the roof off your house after consumtion. *You have been on a chocolate free diet or whatever-free diet for a month and your spouse wakes up to you laying on the couch like a beached whale with 3 pounds of chocolate wrappers all around your body, and five cans of decaf coke sitting nearby. Of course your eyes are bloodshot, you have a heating pad on your stomach and you ask him with teary eyes, "why do I not feel so hot?"


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if..... you talk about your bowel movement more than the people in a nursing home do theirs!


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Err....You know you have IBS if...you only apply for halls of residence at universitys that have en-suite toilets....If you spend your evenings after 4 pm trying to 'get it all out' so you'll be ok to go out later....If you worry about use by dates on food....you worry about giving yourself food poinsening when you cook so you give it to your mum first....You try to persuade mum that she knows she has ibs, she is just in denial....when your mates/mum/dad/sis has a stomach bug they come to you for immodium....you try and tip-toe silently to the batroom so your sis doesmn't yell "Are you in there AGAIN" when your boyfriend is on the phone!...When you say "Well, i think i'll be ok to meet you by 9!"...If you spend more time looking down the loo than into your boyfriends eyesAnd finally......If a bm can make or break your day!Tooo funny you lot. This has made me smile! I think i'll print this out and show it to my boyfriend!


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## Guest (Mar 2, 2001)

Yeh but, you might have IBS if:Your boss DOESN'T ask where you've been after 20 minutes away.PS: My boss always farts in the lift. We have chosen not to tackle eachother on these points.


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have IBS if.....For women and men too maybe..heheYou are getting ready to go somewheres and you have to put on your makeup, do your hair, paint your nails, put on some clothes...ect, while sitting on the potty







(had to put my makeup on twice in the last two weeks while on the throne)You might have IBS if.....Your cat comes in while you are on the throne(potty) and knows how to spray the can of deorderizer.





















Meow


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## Sequoia (Feb 28, 2001)

You know you have IBS,when: You can talk,walk,smile and carry on a conversation,during an acute attack! ()Reclining the car seat to the lay down postion,while your driving, to cut down on the gastro pain!Look for lost pills on the floor, after taking off your jeans,so your dog won't eat them and you will have to tell all the meds you are on to the Emergency Vet!People have a tendency to notice (and you realize it too),that you either look great or what's the matter?Know one knows you eat a restricted diet,because, when you gather with people and friends, you eat the goood stuff,and take your meds in the bathroom,while glancing into your eyes in the mirror saying to yourself-hmmmmmm!Know one knows you have IBS,because even the doctors aren't sure. tee hee


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2001)

2nd chance and bloated again have me crying! this has been great. no one without this illness understands.


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## cornczech (Dec 16, 2004)

When you know the washroom habits of almost every woman within 4 floors of your office.You have invented your own form of anal yoga to prevent accidents while frantically looking for a washroom.You do NOT own a pair of over-alls....(imagine how long it takes to get outta those darn things!!!)


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## atp (Jan 18, 2001)

Good point on the overalls! Remember those horrible shortalls that were impossible to get out of, even if you just had to pee?You might have IBS if......Despite often needing a belt, because your pants need room for bloating and so can be kind of big, you NEVER wear one...one more step when you're in a hurry to go to the bathroom!...You usually make sure to wear a shirt that hangs over your pants a little, so you can unbutton that top button when your belly is tender or bloated....You read threads such as "What is your favorite brand of toilet paper?" and "Why is my poop stinky/green/black/yellow/hard/soft/big/thin/etc.?" with great interest!


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## Guest (Mar 3, 2001)

OMG!!!!!!!! You people have me crying from laughing so hard over here! What's pathetic is that I can relate to 99% of the posts! LOL (Someone tell me what's wrong with envying my childrens' BMs anyway?!)------------------~J~


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## Fenny (Mar 19, 1999)

You know you have IBS when......storytime with your toddler happens frequently in the bathroom....your morning routine includes putting on your coat, then promptly taking off your coat while dashing to the bathroom....your buy your pants baggy enough to accommodate a hot water bottle.


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have IBS if......When online you virturally live at this website(me me me) lol You might have IBS if.......You always have those giant Maxi pads, the kind that go way up to the front and way up to the back also, almost like a diaper with wings stuck in your purse all the time in case an attack of the D comes along to a person(who don't need those kind of pads no more due to a hysterectomy) who is usually a C(me me me)You might have Ibs if.....You go hungry all day just to keep from going to the bathroom







that one is true and so sad too







You might have ibs if....You run thru your home taking your pants down as you go and you trip over your pants cause you got them to far down around your ankles and you fall(needless to say, you don't need to run no more) You might have ibs if......Your favorite saying is Momma Mia, Papa Pia, I've got the diarrhea.You might have ibs if......You get alot of speeding tickets(try to get out of those tickets by telling the cop why you were speeding)..lolYou might have ibs if......This will be a ******* one!Your neighbor ask you if he can use your manure to spread over his garden this year





















You might have ibs if....You are the only person you know of who can spell diarrhea??(did I spell it right?lol)Nuff said.


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## Guest (Mar 5, 2001)

You know you have IBS-C when:Clearing your throat,means the Anaconda is coming~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You ride the Motorized Bull prior to potty time!In the car you are the only one who can hold it till you get to Walley World~In the mall you only try shoes on before a bm.This is healing and soothing!


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS if ..... you've had so many tests you're getting used to the taste of Golytely and Fleets phospho soda.!!


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

The price of Imodium stock is directly related to how bad your IBS is.K.------------------I have no financial, academic, or any other stake in any commercial product mentioned by me.My story and what worked for me in greatly easing my IBS: http://www.ibsgroup.org/ubb/Forum17/HTML/000015.html


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## Wiggin (May 13, 2000)

You might have IBS ifYou own six different medical books and "Irritable Bowel Syndrome", "abdominal pain", "constipation", and/or "diarrhea" are all dog-earred pages in each and every book!You are wondering why they haven't invented a vehicle with a built-in potty in the driver's seat!You medicine cabinet looks like a shelf at Walgreens!------------------It's a proven fact; Life causes death....


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## zigmissus (May 19, 1999)

It's official; I have IBS! These are so hilarious. They should be in a book. My additions:You Know You Have IBS If:Your career aspiration is to be a restroom attendant.You have ever used check stubs or a grocery list from your purse as TP in a pinch.The highlight of your day has ever been finding a crusty, stained and overflowing gas station toilet...that's unlocked.You've ever broken into a construction site porta-potty.You go to a 500-item international buffet, and still can't find anything you can eat. You shop in a store that has higher prices and inferior merchandise...but a readily accessible bathroom.You've ever used your young children as an excuse for multiple trips to the restroom. ("I can't BELIEVE he has to go again! Kids!")


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## amy22 (Mar 6, 2001)

here's some for us IBS-Cersyou know you have IBS if...... you bought the "2000 flushes" toilet freshener and it's gone in a week.... you've ever dreaded flushing a toilet.... you know the intricate designs on your wallpaper.... you buy metamucil by the case.... your friends hear you coming out of the bathroom mumbling about fiber.... dropping your bm gives your butt a shower.... you've secretly considered putting a construction port-a-pottie in your backyard.... "what are you doing in there?" becomes a common saying in your family.... your parents/kids think you've run away through the bathroom window.... you wonder what it's like to have a "normal" bm


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2001)

if.... You have installed a natural gas detector/alarm in your house although your house totally runs on electricity.


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2001)

...If you think that online shopping is one of the best inventions of the 20th century, bested only by the development of Immodium.Jeff


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## Guest (Mar 7, 2001)

thanks guys.... i needed this


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## atp (Jan 18, 2001)

Time for some laughs, board!This isn't as good as some of the others, but it's something to add...You might have IBS if... your new cat from the shelter follows you EVERYWHERE...except the bathroom. (Stinky!)(Yep, the poor guy, who seemed worried I would abandon him, wouldn't leave my side, but quickly learned he didn't want to go in the bathroom with me







.


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## atp (Jan 18, 2001)




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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have IBS if.......If you are having a exposive, smellie, am I going to blow the commode away day and you decide to lite a candle and when you do, you blow up your bathroom! heheYou might have IBS if......While on the commode you run out of toilet paper and you ask your spouse to bring you a roll and they squish it, pound it, smash it, take a hammer to it and then shove it under the door to you







You might have IBS if.....Some said they envy their children's BM's, well I can beat that one, I envy my Cat's regular nicely rounded nitely BM's.Meow


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## Lotronexlvr (Mar 8, 2001)

what the heck, i'll give it a whirl!!!you might have IBS if...your stomach can gurgle to Beethoven's 5th...your idea of a gourmet meal is soda crackers and ginger ale...Santana's "Hold On" song and Fleetwood Mac's "Hold Me" have totally different interpretations for you...you know exactly to the second how long it takes your toilet tank to fill back up....3, 2, 1...flush!your period cramps are a breeze compared to your IBS cramps...your sphincter can squeeze coal into diamonds...you have crotchless undies and they are NOT for sex...you look at Mr. Hanky the Christmas poo and turn very bitter...


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

If......The "next" roll of TP is on top of the tank when the current roll is only half used. AAAAAANNND you automatically "start it" b/4 putting it on the tank!







BQ


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## mitchell goldstein (Apr 6, 1999)

after finding a beautifully clean bathroom at the finish of a mad dash you develop separation anxiety from the thoughts of having to leave it!!


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## Sally Jane (Jan 14, 2001)

I must have IBS because I can relate! I have been sitting here laughing out loud! I loved the one about the Imodium in the little pocket of your jeans. I thought I was the only one. O.K. Here's one.You must have IBS if you buy baby wipes from the Dollar General,because they are cheaper, and you don't have a baby!


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## Bean69 (Dec 4, 2000)

This is just what I needed today!!!You Know You have IBS if You:- Have ever gone into a store and just purchased underwear and Immodium AD! ANd Looked the CLerk straight in the eye!_ Know how many floor tiles are on your bathroom floor at home AND at work!- You have gone to the printer at work to pass gas, and you didn't even print anything.- You bought a virtual pet ( Tamagotchi) to play with on the john at work because books and magazines are too conspicuous.- you have ever finished a whole book while on the pot!-You actually take the cordless phone into the bathroom with you.- Your Butt falls asleep while you are on the toilet.- You have considered getting a laptop so you can check the BB's while you are on the toilet!- You have accidentally pooped in the shower and had to reshower... Late 4 work again! Try explaining that one to your boss!I am laughing SOOO Hard!


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## Debbie Benning (Jan 25, 2001)

BUMP


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## Debbie Benning (Jan 25, 2001)

Your butt falls asleep on the toilet: don't laugh it happens. Yes laugh! These are so hysterical. Thanks everyone. I love you all for this!!!!


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## Bean69 (Dec 4, 2000)

bump


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## Bean69 (Dec 4, 2000)

Bumpity-Bump


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## Guest (Mar 24, 2001)

You know you have IBS when you get up to get ready to go to work at 5:45am and at 11:10 you are still running back in the house from your car not sure your tummy is going to be alright.............







bump


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## Jleigh (Dec 8, 2000)

These are great! I feel so at home! Mine aren't as good as the rest but I'll give it a try:You might have IBS if:...your kids say "No, we can't eat that, it'll make mom poop"....everybody in your household hurries in the bathroom incase mom has to go!...your son gets out of the shower with shampoo still in his hair so you can go.(I have two bathrooms now!)Keep posting! I love this







------------------How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on...


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## BettinaMarie (Mar 7, 2001)

You know you have IBS whenYour dreams about how to spend the potential winning of the Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes contain items such as a van with a built in toilet.


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## stinky too (May 21, 1999)

Thanks for bumping this up, it was fun reading it again.














Hope the new bees like it too.







------------------Prayer doesn't change God , it changes the one who prays..C type, with G


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have IBS if....When on a road trip you feel obligated to buy something everytime you stop at a convenience store to use their potty(today I bought skittles, runts(chewy kind) spearmint gum and juicy fruit,my daughter was a very happy child when I got back home with the goodies







no d today just a urgency to go, thank god the rest area don't have candy on the inside..lol)


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## amy22 (Mar 6, 2001)

you might have IBS if...you go to the gas station, restaurant, store, etc. to go poop because you don't want to clog up your own toilet!!I've considered this many times, and actually (don't tell!) done it a couple of times!














-Amy


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have ibs........If you actually do blow a hole in a chair when passing gas!You might have ibs.........If you sneeze and fart(an poop) at the same time(aren't we talented







You might have ibs.........When teenage son sees you going to the bathroom and hollers to his friends "Incoming, let blow this joint, HURRY"You might have ibs.........If your local police department runs out of gas bombs and ask if they can use you!


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## Guest (Apr 26, 2001)

You might have IBS if ...... you read through Lord of the Rings in one sitting.... your toilet has developed Artificial Intelligence.... your toilet seat is attached to you when you're finished.... your bathroom has leather seats. (think cars)... you wear down toilet brushes in a week.... you are hired by the Research & Design department of a toilet company.... you love the smell of fresh stool in the morning!Nice thread, keep it alive.


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

You might have IBS is.... you quit your job and stop taking all the meds and you get well!!!


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## Joan Gregg (Jun 6, 2000)

Hope these haven't been used. . . You know you have IBS if:Your car seats are covered with an old towel.When you get hungry, your COLON rumbles, not your stomach.You're female and can't tell if you have menstrual cramps or "regular" cramps.You wonder, should you take the shorts off that are covering your bathing suit?Your toilet is permanently stained.Even your doctor doesn't understand what all the fuss is about.Your eight-year-old knows you just don't poop like her.You don't go camping. PERIOD!You have to drink so much water in the morning, you wonder will you make it to work?Then, if it snows, you cant GO to work because of the longer Drive!You're 5 ft. 2, weigh 105, do 50 situps and after lunch people STILL ask if you're pregnant.You wear a sanitary napkin 31 days a month (even when you're 79 and even in February).In your briefcase are suppositories, Phazyme, Tums, and even more sanitary napkins____________________IBS C, Joan


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## Guest (May 5, 2001)

the scene from Dumb and Dumber is de ja vue!Been there, done that!


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## Guest (May 10, 2001)

You might be IBS if your spouse tells callers that you are in your office working on a very important project, but all your friends and relatives know you aren't sitting at your desk!


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## wanderingstar (Dec 1, 1999)

You might have IBS if your medicine cupboard is larger, more fully stocked, and has greater variety than your food cupboard.


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

You might have IBS if....your gastroenterologist locks himself in the hospital stationery cupboard everytime you arrive for an appointment


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

You might have IBS if...He/She has to be dragged out kicking and screaming







Sorry, couldn't resist - my gastro gets that look everytime he sees me!


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## Guest (May 27, 2001)

I'm crying...ok...here goes...You might have IBS if:...the next thing you teach your child after walking is how to get mommy more toilet paper....your three year old spray's air freshner and says "eww mommy so stinky"...you kick your husband off the toilet...then find out it was a false alarm....when on vacation the only thing you allow yourself to eat is a plain turkey sandwich and a sprite. ...you start going to a health food grocery store so that you can easily buy and try any new product out there...in hopes of salvation....you have to decide if it is better to not poop or deal with the effects of a laxitive...and it is a BIG decision....you are in the grocery store and you fly around trying to find an empty isle so you can pass gass....when shopping with your husband he all of a sudden gets a gastly look on his face, nostrils flair, and says "was that you!?" And you try to say "no" but end up laughing for the next three isles (silent tooting the whole way!)...you spend 1/2 of the day in the bathroom...just in case this time you will go!...you chose to work the night shift so that you won't be bothered as much...and can spend half of your night in the toilet....you are a expert at vomitting, like second nature....you cut out all bad things for two weeks but as soon as period time rolls around you figure "I'm cramping anyway...might as well have a good 16 chocolates"...you worry about passing gass while having sex.


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## Guest (May 27, 2001)

Bump. The BB just made my day (again).







You might have ibs if.... the list of bars where you promised to have a drink after you used their bathroom is getting longer than the bars where you actually did have a drink.You might have ibs if.... you know the beginning of each movie but never the end.You might have ibs if.... you hate your best friend for giving all his keys to enter his room and not telling which one the right one is.


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## Guest (May 31, 2001)

You might have IBS.........if you read that from your bathroom.Thanks for the fun!


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## taffy (Mar 30, 2000)

These have made my day......Just about every thing I could think of has been used but this one....You might have IBS if...You use BRB more often in a chat room then anybody else (everybody knows where I went)


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## taffy (Mar 30, 2000)

I just thought of one more you might have IBS if ...All your friends send you Imodium coupons in the mail. (It happens to me)


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## Guest (Jun 1, 2001)

You might have IBS if:Your Gastro man says "it's all in your mind" so you fart for 5 minutes to prove him wrong.You visit your doctor and he says "open wide" and you present your butt cheeks to him instead.Jo


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## shyra22f (May 9, 2000)

These are hoot!





















------------------"I'm not a failure if I don't make it - I'm a success because I tried"-unknown


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## HEIDIELLEN (May 31, 2001)

Hi, ijust had to join in you might have IBS if WHEN YOUR KIDS GET HOME FROM SCHOOL THEY THANK YOU FOR KEEPING THE LOO SEAT WARM FOR THEM.WHEN YOUR FIVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER HOLDS THE LOO DOOR OPEN FOR YOU EVERY MORNING WHILE CLEANING HER TEETH. SAYING UNDER HER BREATH WHY IS IT ALWAYS WHEN I'M IN THE BATHROOM THEN RUNNING OUT TRYING NOT TO BE SICK. HEIDI


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## redcasey (May 23, 2001)

This is Great!! Whenever we get stressed (which of course worsens our symptoms) we should read these!


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## bonniei (Jan 25, 2001)

You might have IBS when you find a paper on the gas aspects of manned spaceflights the most interesting paper you have ever read


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## KarenP36 (May 24, 2001)

Thank you. You all made my day. I can relate to soooo many of these...You might have IBS if whenever your children ask your spouse "where's mommy?" , he always answers, did you check the bathroom?


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## stinky too (May 21, 1999)

You guys made my day





















I was having a bad day thinking I am the only one.......







Hang in there gang, we will conquer....







------------------You will never know that God is all you need....... until God is all you have. ï¿½ï¿½ Prayer doesn't change God , it changes the one who prays..C type, with G


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## jojo (Jul 19, 2000)

You might have IBS if....You're a women in labor and the doctor tells you to push like you're having a bowel movement and you yell back at him "I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A NORMAL BOWEL MOVEMENT"!


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## KarenP36 (May 24, 2001)

We gotta bump this one up. We all need the laughs!


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## KarenP36 (May 24, 2001)

We gotta bump this one up. We all need the laughs!


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2001)

You've had more frequent conversations with God in the bathroom than on your knees.


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## Guest (Jul 16, 2001)

You've had more frequent conversations with God in the bathroom than on your knees.


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## F*A*R*T (Jul 16, 2001)

...you discover your cubicle at work has been replaced by a porta-potty....your boss gives you a laptop computer and cell phone so you can be productive even when you're "on the go."...your pet parrot doesn't whistle or talk, but can imitate an amazing array of gastrointestinal noises....it's been years since you bought underwear that wasn't dark-colored....gas station restrooms don't gross you out, because you're so accustomed to them....you keep a special tube of ChapStick for "those other cheeks" after the umpteenth round of wiping....you master the art of making squeaky sounds with your shoes so you can mask the sounds being made by other, less controllable parts of your body.


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## F*A*R*T (Jul 16, 2001)

...you discover your cubicle at work has been replaced by a porta-potty....your boss gives you a laptop computer and cell phone so you can be productive even when you're "on the go."...your pet parrot doesn't whistle or talk, but can imitate an amazing array of gastrointestinal noises....it's been years since you bought underwear that wasn't dark-colored....gas station restrooms don't gross you out, because you're so accustomed to them....you keep a special tube of ChapStick for "those other cheeks" after the umpteenth round of wiping....you master the art of making squeaky sounds with your shoes so you can mask the sounds being made by other, less controllable parts of your body.


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## Katydid (Jul 17, 2001)

you wish "Honey, I have a headache tonight", was the real reason you had to say no!


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## Katydid (Jul 17, 2001)

you wish "Honey, I have a headache tonight", was the real reason you had to say no!


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## norbert46 (Feb 20, 2001)

There are some loo-loos on here, pun intended! Clancy, guess what? I quit my job 4/30/01, don't take any meds, and I just finished Mike's tape program. No IBS/D at all! How did you know??














Good luck all, Norb


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## norbert46 (Feb 20, 2001)

There are some loo-loos on here, pun intended! Clancy, guess what? I quit my job 4/30/01, don't take any meds, and I just finished Mike's tape program. No IBS/D at all! How did you know??














Good luck all, Norb


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## Guest (Jul 19, 2001)

bump


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## Guest (Jul 19, 2001)

bump


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## Katydid (Jul 17, 2001)

Bump


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## Katydid (Jul 17, 2001)

Bump


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## nmwinter (May 31, 2001)

You might have IBS if while spending 9 weeks traveling through Europe, the three words you made sure you knew in every language were "Please", "Thanks", and "TOILET!!""Nancy


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## nmwinter (May 31, 2001)

You might have IBS if while spending 9 weeks traveling through Europe, the three words you made sure you knew in every language were "Please", "Thanks", and "TOILET!!""Nancy


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have IBS if....If you have a heating pad attached to your tummy most days and you name it Fred.


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

You might have IBS if....If you have a heating pad attached to your tummy most days and you name it Fred.


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## honeybee (Sep 12, 1999)

I am laughing so hard I am crying!! I am reading these to my kids and they said 'Geez mom, that sounds like you' You might have IBS if...you own more than one heating pad, one for living room, bedroom and work. ...you spend more time in the bathroom than you do with your family. (this from my son)...you have more than one aromatherapy candle in your bathroom....your cats litter box or hamster cage smells better than your bathroom.thanks for the smiles







------------------_Honeybee_ (melissa)


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## honeybee (Sep 12, 1999)

I am laughing so hard I am crying!! I am reading these to my kids and they said 'Geez mom, that sounds like you' You might have IBS if...you own more than one heating pad, one for living room, bedroom and work. ...you spend more time in the bathroom than you do with your family. (this from my son)...you have more than one aromatherapy candle in your bathroom....your cats litter box or hamster cage smells better than your bathroom.thanks for the smiles







------------------_Honeybee_ (melissa)


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## Fenny (Mar 19, 1999)

I have been away for a while, then I started back to work - Now I am back (Looks like my IBS remission is over)I remembered this post and thought I would read it for a laughYou know you have IBS when......You confuse intestinal spasms with a baby kicking (and you are not even pregnant!)...Your list of food choices keeps getting shorter and shorter....You think you've eaten safe foods all day, and you still get d....Your 4 year old says "I can't eat that because it hurts mommy's tummy" Thanks for the laughs!


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## Fenny (Mar 19, 1999)

I have been away for a while, then I started back to work - Now I am back (Looks like my IBS remission is over)I remembered this post and thought I would read it for a laughYou know you have IBS when......You confuse intestinal spasms with a baby kicking (and you are not even pregnant!)...Your list of food choices keeps getting shorter and shorter....You think you've eaten safe foods all day, and you still get d....Your 4 year old says "I can't eat that because it hurts mommy's tummy" Thanks for the laughs!


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## genny (Jan 15, 2001)

You might have ibs if: the Walmart greeter greets you using your first name!!You look to see if anyone's in the elevator before getting on in case you have to pass gas!!You start wearing black or dark grey hose in case of accidents!!!!You buy several sets of seat covers for your car!!!The McDonalds on the way to work hands you the bathroom key before they take your order!!!You know I could really get into this


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## genny (Jan 15, 2001)

You might have ibs if: the Walmart greeter greets you using your first name!!You look to see if anyone's in the elevator before getting on in case you have to pass gas!!You start wearing black or dark grey hose in case of accidents!!!!You buy several sets of seat covers for your car!!!The McDonalds on the way to work hands you the bathroom key before they take your order!!!You know I could really get into this


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## angelk753 (Oct 16, 2001)

you may have ibs when....the best movie you ever saw was the commercial about mobil stations bathrooms. when.....you call your mate in to read how funny these jokes are and he just dont get it when.....opps gotta go


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## angelk753 (Oct 16, 2001)

you may have ibs when....the best movie you ever saw was the commercial about mobil stations bathrooms. when.....you call your mate in to read how funny these jokes are and he just dont get it when.....opps gotta go


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## angelk753 (Oct 16, 2001)

you may have ibs if......the best movie you saw was the commercial about the mobil station bathrooms. when.....you call your mate in to see how funny these jokes are and he just doesnt get it it when.....opps gotta go


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## angelk753 (Oct 16, 2001)

you may have ibs if......the best movie you saw was the commercial about the mobil station bathrooms. when.....you call your mate in to see how funny these jokes are and he just doesnt get it it when.....opps gotta go


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## srhackett (Feb 11, 2001)

I am sitting here on a Saturday night reading these and laughing my head off. This is definitely a keeper for those down days. Cookies - my God you cracked me up!!


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## srhackett (Feb 11, 2001)

I am sitting here on a Saturday night reading these and laughing my head off. This is definitely a keeper for those down days. Cookies - my God you cracked me up!!


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## Guest (Oct 21, 2001)

You might have IBS if:Your pharmacist occasionally borrows drugs from You!


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## Guest (Oct 21, 2001)

You might have IBS if:Your pharmacist occasionally borrows drugs from You!


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

So so funny , I love the one about you can't walk after going to the bathroom cause your legs are numb. I get this every day. You've made my day!!


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

So so funny , I love the one about you can't walk after going to the bathroom cause your legs are numb. I get this every day. You've made my day!!


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## Teresa Gama (Aug 17, 2001)

You might have IBS _ When you go for the first time to a Gastroenterologist complaining of your symptoms and he tells you : "What you need is a man" _ and then you tell him your abdomen is full of gas and he replies: "Then fart, what's your problem?"This was what happened to me







. I guess I was well diagnosed from IBS: I have a man now, but IBS hasn't disappeared! Nice doctor!


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## Teresa Gama (Aug 17, 2001)

You might have IBS _ When you go for the first time to a Gastroenterologist complaining of your symptoms and he tells you : "What you need is a man" _ and then you tell him your abdomen is full of gas and he replies: "Then fart, what's your problem?"This was what happened to me







. I guess I was well diagnosed from IBS: I have a man now, but IBS hasn't disappeared! Nice doctor!


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

Okay here is another one, hope it hasn't been already done, been a while since I read them all, here goes:You might have IBS if you husband starts following you around with a match in his hand to check out the therory that when you fart and lite a match at the same time you can see a blue flame.


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## LadyM (Feb 17, 2001)

Okay here is another one, hope it hasn't been already done, been a while since I read them all, here goes:You might have IBS if you husband starts following you around with a match in his hand to check out the therory that when you fart and lite a match at the same time you can see a blue flame.


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## Joan Gregg (Jun 6, 2000)

You know you have IBS if:-- your now nine-year old says, "Why don't you poop like me."--she also asks "Just what is your disease again?"-- your students you teach say, "You NEVER feel well, miss!"-- you've added TUMS to the briefcase for GERD from forcing yourself to go too much.-- your GI guy just shakes his head.__________________"How can I be a federation counselor when I can't even help myself?"------------------Charter Counselor of the United Federation of Planets


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## Joan Gregg (Jun 6, 2000)

You know you have IBS if:-- your now nine-year old says, "Why don't you poop like me."--she also asks "Just what is your disease again?"-- your students you teach say, "You NEVER feel well, miss!"-- you've added TUMS to the briefcase for GERD from forcing yourself to go too much.-- your GI guy just shakes his head.__________________"How can I be a federation counselor when I can't even help myself?"------------------Charter Counselor of the United Federation of Planets


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

Bump..... for the newer people


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## Clancy Garner (Apr 5, 2000)

Bump..... for the newer people


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