# people w/bf/gf: do you feel like youre holding back your significant other?



## 21973 (Jun 28, 2005)

ive been with my bf for 3 years. he says he loves me and all, but i feel as though im holding him back. what i mean by that is, because of my ibs, i rarely ever ever go out and just stay home. if i do go out, its because im going to school or work. on a weekend, when were together, he looks depressed and says to me "i love being social." and i tell him to just go out with his friends, and he insists on me going. when i go out, i dont eat for the whole day, even after taking my lomotil, too.when i get home at night, i eat like a pig coz im starving. (thats around 6)my bf comes over at 8 and wants to eat out at a restaurant and tells me "theres bathrooms everywhere." but that doesnt help, and i can tell he gets annoyed.i guess the worse part is when he tells me about his friends and their gfs going camping, hiking, just doing normal outdoor stuff, it makes me feel bad coz i cant do that stuff.the only memories i do have of us are mostly at home...can any of you relate???? please help me out.


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## 22264 (Sep 26, 2005)

My bf and I have been together almost two years now and your story sounds exactly like ours. I can't go out and if I do I don't eat for the whole day. We recently took a "break" because he thinks I don't take enough risks and I'm not spontaneous enough. When I'm in class or at work all day and then I come home and eat I usually end up not feeling too great. Then his friends will call an hour later and want to go out but I'm stuck on the toilet. I know I'm not being spontaneous but if I would have known we were going out I wouldn't have eaten. We do go out and on trips quite often, in my opinion, but I'm in misery most of the time and embarassed from having to use a public toilet every couple of hours. I really don't know how to help you because I have the exact same problem. So if anyone can, Help me too...


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## Screamer (Aug 16, 2005)

Yep, except in my case it's a husband. He looks so down whenever he suggests going somewhere and I say no. Like you even going to somewhere where there are heaps of bathrooms doesn't help. I HATE using loo's where other people are around to see or hear (or worse!) smell me when I'm sick







I have given him the option in the past (before we were married) to find someone who doesn't have the same problems as me and who he can go camping/dining/movie watching with, but he chose to marry me anyway.


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## SpAsMaN* (May 11, 2002)

You must be cute Screamer.


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## 17902 (Sep 27, 2005)

forget it spasman: the odds of picking up on this BB are a million to one.


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## 13585 (Sep 23, 2005)

I agree with Screamer- not that I have a bf or spouse but one of my bad flare up's was at my 17th b-day dinner this past July. I got so sick and my mom refused to take me home until dinner was over. Ugh!


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## Screamer (Aug 16, 2005)

Awww, Spas







I'll stick my photo in my profile one day when I'm feeling outgoing and you can judge for yourself


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## 21973 (Jun 28, 2005)

my bf is the "spontaneous" type. but, after dating me for 3 years, he knows that i "hate" surprizes, and that he cant take me to any restaurants on special occassions. i just feel sad and mad that i cant do much with him....hes such a great person, and when i ask him if hes bothered by this, he says no...what to do????let alone, i dont even have a social life. this sucks. ibs is taking over my life!!!!


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## 16448 (Oct 14, 2005)

Yes, I do feel that way. I don't have a boyfriend right now, though there's a guy that's seriously interested in dating me. Yet, I've been reluctant to date him because he doesn't understand what IBS-D is, and that I have to deal with it. I've tried to explain it to him as simply as possible, but he either thinks that it's WAY worse than it is (that I can't eat ANYTHING) or that I should be able to eat all the things that he does. It makes it hard because I'm too scared to go on a date with him where I'd have to eat anything - I avoid food other than bread and pasta (the two things that I'm typically okay with). It's hard because I don't WANT to live my life like that - but I've yet to find the lifestyle that makes this problem bearable yet. I've had it since I was 16 (4 years), but it's gotten worse in the last year and so I've gotten sort of anti-social with it.Of course, living with four roomates is making it ten-times harder. Let alone finding a boyfriend!


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## 22144 (Aug 6, 2005)

I feel like I hold my g/f back.


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## 18944 (Sep 15, 2005)

I have a very supportive boyfriend, but I still feel like I'm holding him back sometimes. The past few months have not been particularly great for me health-wise. It's hard for me to be places without bathrooms, and even places with bathrooms that aren't mine. Even going to his house when we're both home presents a problem because he has one bathroom and a large family. I've been dating him for four years and I know having an accident or whatever wouldn't send him running, but it doesn't change the potential for embarassment.What it boils down to is that whoever your with needs to understand your problem as best as possible. Things changed for the better when I started confiding in my boyfriend more. Even if you have a perfect person, you're still going to worry about upseting him.


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## 19256 (Oct 19, 2005)

I feel the same exact way my boyfriend and i been together for 3 years and he loves me to death but there is a part of me that always wants to leave him knowing that i hold him back from doing alot of things that i cant do. i never go out im constanly sick and he takes care of me all the time but thats the problem it always revolves around me and not him.. i know exactly how you feel..


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## 13723 (Oct 18, 2005)

The other night my g/f said to me "I think Im having sympathy pains for your stomach" It scared me to think that she would ever have to deal with a stomach like mine. Sometimes I try to act like Im feeling better than I am for fear of bringing down her good mood.


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## Screamer (Aug 16, 2005)

yep. I have times where I just shut up about it and put up with it cause whenever I get sick (non IBS like a gastro bug or the flu) DH just thinks it's IBS and doesn't feel the need to help me out at all







Plus I know he gets bored with hearing about it all.


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## Loopy (Feb 20, 2005)

I just split up with my boyfriend because I didn't think it was fair. He has ME so probably kind of understands more than most people, but has just moved away from me to go to unversity and the thought of visiting him in halls at the weekends makes me panic. Now I miss him, and wonder how more relationships I will back out of.


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## 19223 (Oct 18, 2005)

Ok, here's a perspective "from the other side." My husband is the one that suffers from IBS. Does he hold me back? Yes. I know that sounds awful to say, but he does. He doesn't want to go anywhere, including doctors or counselors. However, I get frustrated because he's not trying to get over this. I bought him calcium and he won't take it but once a day...says that any more than that is too much calcium. I've read him posts from this website. I've begged him to go the dr. I think he is depressed and has anxiety which is why he is so unmotivated. We're living on one income now...he was supposed to be in school fulltime but hasn't been in 4 weeks. So he sits at home everyday with cramps and D. Doesn't want to go anywhere...I did get him to go out to eat. He isn't worrying about there being bathrooms where he's going...he is just so depressed about everything that he has given up. Sorry I just keep going on and on about this. I just want him to try.


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## 16485 (Sep 27, 2005)

Hi, I haven't posted for a while (been too busy) but this subject is very important. If you are lucky enough to have a partner who understands and wants to be there for you then that is worth more than anything else. My husband was there for me for the last 16 years and still is. I was only recently diagnosed but he was there through the vomitting, bloating, pain and obscure bowel habits. He is my brick. I have asked him if he feels I hold him back, but he says that he feels I keep his feet on the ground. I won't be beaten by this, and on good days I tend to be too spontaneous for him!!!! I have found that worrying and planning don't help. I get wound up waiting for events. So now I get no choice, he'll phone from work in the morning and ask if I'm OK. If I say yes then he has been known to surprise me by telling me to go to an airport (kids in tow) and then we end up abroad. If I said I was ill, he'd just rebook.It takes someone special to cope with these problems. If you find someone who wants to cope with it. Don't ask why, learn to accept that some people need to be needed and have fun when you can.I know that I don't hold him back. He keeps telling me that marrying me was the best thing he did. Either he's lying because he's afraid of the competition (HA HA) or it's the truth.If you find true love, then you are lucky. Don't question it.


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## Guest (Oct 29, 2005)

> quote:Originally posted by thefrustratedwife:He doesn't want to go anywhere, including doctors or counselors. However, I get frustrated because he's not trying to get over this. I bought him calcium and he won't take it but once a day...says that any more than that is too much calcium. I've read him posts from this website. I've begged him to go the dr. I think he is depressed and has anxiety which is why he is so unmotivated. We're living on one income now...he was supposed to be in school fulltime but hasn't been in 4 weeks. So he sits at home everyday with cramps and D. Doesn't want to go anywhere...I did get him to go out to eat. He isn't worrying about there being bathrooms where he's going...he is just so depressed about everything that he has given up. Sorry I just keep going on and on about this. I just want him to try.


frustrated:i just wanted to say that a lot of us do have problems with anxiety and depression, but manage to get along in life once we really take charge of what's going on. but he will have to do it when he's ready. pushing him will just make him feel worse about himself rather than helping.try to be supportive and let him know that if he wants to go to a doc or counselling, that you will be there for him. encourage him to try and work from home or find a line of work that accomodates his lifestyle. maybe try and get the school stuff sorted out--go to the student with disability centre and see what options there are.just don't push, that's the worst thing you can do. i know you want him to try, but pushing will not help.oh, and btw. too much calcium is bad. you shouldn't take more than 800mg a day (if it's on a regular basis), and you have to drink lots of water with it otherwise you can get kidney stones.hope things get better soon.


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## Guest (Oct 29, 2005)

On a more general note, of course living with someone with a chronic illness can limit what you are able to do as a couple. But they are choosing to sacrifice that, you are not forcing them. As long as you really step up and do what you can to make them happy when you can, I think it *is* fair.Maybe I can't go on an overnight hike with my bf, so he takes his best male friend instead. And we have done plenty of camping. Maybe not as much as he would want, but still enough so he is not totally deprived. We drove across the country and back over the course of 2 months a couple years ago, and there were some good times, and some really bad times. I got food poisoning when we were camping, and he rushed me back into the nearest town (45mins)...he didn't even want to pack up the site, but i insisted, so he smashed everything into the back of the car, and we took off. We stayed in a hotel incase I had to get to a doctor, and so I wouldnn't have to be having D in the outhouse all night.I don't really like going out, or going to movie theatres, but as long as I'm not in the middle of an attack, I will go because it makes him happy, and I usually have a good time.When I don't want to go, sometimes he will go without me, and we will miss each other, but that is okay. If I am really sick he will stay home with me, and he will be disappointed he couldn't go out, but I have to accept that, and allow him to feel disappointed.One of the things that helped a lot, is I worked on becoming REALLY comfortable using public washrooms. Sure, sometimes it's still uncomfortable, but it's better than nothing.If you really cannot bear to go out, there are still ways to stay in and be social. Have people over to your house! Have a dinner party where you get to decide all the food that is served. Have a movie night. Have a cocktail party--you don't have to put alcohol in yours. Have a BBQ. Have a craft night and teach the gals and guys to crochet or something. You just have to be creative.It's not perfect all the time, but I think if you really put in your best effort, it's quite possible for you and your partner to be happy and satisfied, even if you are both making some sacrifices.


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## 22157 (May 4, 2006)

Me and my boyfriend have the same problem. We used to be much more social, mainly because my IBS has gotten worse in the past year or so, and I know that he misses the old life we had when we were more spontaneous. My friends are wanting to go camping this summer and go on hikes and stuff, and I just know that I probably wont go, which means he probably wont go, or he will and I will feel so left out. I hate it! I just wish I could be normal for once. Theres already been so many trips to lakes and stuff that I have missed out on, like last summer, I came home from work starving so I went and got some Wendy's, which I knew would upset my stomach but I didnt care at the moment. Then my boyfriend called and said everyone wanted to go to the lake, and I was like, if I would have known before I wouldnt have eaten and then I could have gone! GRR!! I wish that people would plan things a bit more in advance, so that I could know when to eat or not. I hate even having to do that, starve myself all day just so I can go out and have a good time. It is so fustrating, sometimes I just sit home and cry while all my friends are having the time of their lives.


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## 21787 (Mar 26, 2006)

My boyfriend is really understanding, but I feel the same as a lot of you guys, I can't help thinking that I'm holding him back. My IBS only got bad this year, and we've been together for almost 2 years. We've been backpacking together and gone to Thailand together so we do a lot of amazing things, but recently, I just cna't even face going out to the movies or anything like that when I'm feeling dodgy! I don't want to hold him back and he is aware of this - but he motivates me and understands what I'm going through so hopefully it'll all work out!


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## 13490 (May 8, 2006)

I just broke up with my bf of 5 years, and in all 5 years I never visited his aunts and uncles who live about 6 hrs away cause I couldn't travel and handle the stress. I have a new bf who lives about 6 hours away and I am nervous because I def. have to gather the courage to get up there and travel. YIKES. He's got some stomach probs., too, so he understands and that helps me out. I don't know why, but I almost always get panic attacks when I get a IBS flare up. I just do not want to get up there and meet his family for the first time and have D and a panic attack. Somehow, that's not the first impression I want to make.


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## 15341 (Jul 5, 2006)

My wife or should i say EX-Wife walked out on me because of this, she actually said in her response to my divorce petition and residence order for the children application that the relationship went down hill when i was declared medically unfit for work!! so much for the in sickness and in health vow huh, when your partner decides to run off with some imp she met on the internet because you get ill. But i am happier on my own with the kids i must admit as stressful as it is sometimes it helps not to have someone else nagging at me all the time and looking back on it if she could leave me because i got ill then what kind of person was she anyway lol


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## 13858 (Jan 28, 2006)

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now, and my IBS definitely affects what we do together. Most of the time, he ends up going out to eat with his best friend and the "guys" because I feel sick. I've noticed that I feel the best after dusk, so I will eat around 5ish and usually be okay, but when I get to his house at 8pm to hang out, he wants to go get some food, right when I have just calmed down my stomach. I will go, but not eat anything, just sit there and he hates that. But hey, what can I do about it? The camping thing, well I dealt with that last summer out in the desert, the restrooms were about a mile away on foot and infested with scorpions! Yuck! I do give him the option of going out without me, but he usually doesn't want to do that, so we stay in most of the time. But yes, he does think a lot of my condition is "psychological". Argh!


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## 13627 (Jun 16, 2006)

it's so comforting to know that people other than myself go through this..my ex boyfriend wasn't supportive when i had ibs..i met someone else..and he's completely supportive of what i go through...even though yes i do feel that i hold him back and i would rather him be w someone else than him be w me and me hold him back...but he does love me...and he decided to stick w me..


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## 13647 (May 30, 2006)

I've been with my bf for about a year and a half. It took me awhile to finally tell him everything about my IBS. He certainly can't understand completely, being as how hes had about 1 attack of D his whole life, but he tries. I always apologize to him for not being able to go and do all the fun stuff we could be doing. But he says as long as I try sometimes, hes okay with it. And anyone who splits because their partner has IBS is certainly not worth it.Andrea


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## 16293 (Jul 25, 2006)

My b/f of 3 years is great. In the beginning when I was having all my stomach problems, he was really concerned and convinced me to go to the doctor and get it all checked out. When I found out I had IBS, I explained to my b/f what it was. I have good days and bad days like everyone one else. There are some days where I can do things that my b/f wants to do, and there are other days that if I know I won't make it I won't go.....I think he understands most of the time, but on the other hand gets frustrated as well....


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## 16293 (Jul 25, 2006)

I hear ya sweetpinkpeas. I have the same problem when I got out on weekends with friends. It does get frustrating at times, but I'm sure at some point they will start to understand what you are going through. When I start to feel my stomach twisting in knots, I just go home. Usually when this happens my friends are glad that I have made an effort to go out, even if I have left early due to my IBS.


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## 22161 (Aug 1, 2006)

I've been with my bloke for nearly 4 years and he's known from the beginning. He's fine with it and is really understanding but in that 4 years i can count on one hand the amount of times we've been out together. We managed to go to a gig this week, yay!! Because i'm so 'weird' and wont go out or leave the county let alone the country he goes on hol with his friends, which i'm fine with cuz he shouldn't suffer.I often say that i feel sorry for him and say he can bin me if he wanted cuz if i was 'normal' we would be living together by now. But because i won't move to where he lives cuz i couldn't travel to work everyday and it's not fair to ask him to move towns for me, we're stuck in a rut. Also i couldn't contribute to the house cuz i've only got a #### part-time job and i'm not expecting him to support me. My friends are great. They're aware of everything aswell. They've got to the point if they go for a meal they don't bother asking me cuz they know what my answer would be but have a girly night round one of their houses the next week so i'm not left out. They understand that i drive everywhere and are totally fine if i leave early.so basically even if you are holding your boyf/girlf back, it's their choice to be in that situation and you don't control them, they support you.


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## 16293 (Jul 25, 2006)

I totally argree with you Jessimaca. It's their choice to be in that situation. You don't control your b/f or even your friends for that matter, they should support you and understand.


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## 14730 (May 20, 2005)

I can relate to a lot of this.My friends give my girlfriends a 3 month expiry date which has become a bit of a joke (not for them). The reason being is because when we get closer they start wanting to stay over, or vice versus, and because I have problems in the morning I make excuses left right and centre and eventually end up dumping them.I can also relate to the friends thing. I've just organised a road trip to europe for myself and a few friends, but I've made sure I've got my own room with ensuite. I'm sharing a house now which I would have never done, but my condition on moving in was that I had an ensuite!It's a pain - but still a secret - they way I like it!


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## 14849 (Aug 25, 2006)

Yes, I always feel like I'm holding my wife back. I've told her many a time that I feel like she deserves a better life than to be sitting at home with someone that does nothing but sit at home and sh*t all day.We go on vacation and I sit on the pot until early afternoon. Not to mention, we ALWAYS have to fly at night because I don't get out of the house until at least 1 or 2pm daily. My wife gets hungry and likes to eat if we are out somewhere. I tell her, "I'm not eating anything, but you can. I'll just get a drink." Then, she gets nothing, because she doesn't want me to just sit there and stare at her while she eats.I've told her many a time that she deserves to be with someone that she can go out and enjoy her life with instead of playing "The Waiting Game" for her entire life. Her response to that was that while it's frustrating for her, she loves me and will take the good with the bad.Honestly, if she left me I'd be devastated, as I truly believe I would never find a woman to share the little bit of my life with (that I get to experience outside of the bathroom) again, but at the same time I would be happy to see her find someone she could experience the finer things with.Sometimes I really wish she would just leave.


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## 14849 (Aug 25, 2006)

> quote:Originally posted by joy in sf:ive been with my bf for 3 years. he says he loves me and all, but i feel as though im holding him back. what i mean by that is, because of my ibs, i rarely ever ever go out and just stay home. if i do go out, its because im going to school or work. on a weekend, when were together, he looks depressed and says to me "i love being social." and i tell him to just go out with his friends, and he insists on me going. when i go out, i dont eat for the whole day, even after taking my lomotil, too.when i get home at night, i eat like a pig coz im starving. (thats around 6)my bf comes over at 8 and wants to eat out at a restaurant and tells me "theres bathrooms everywhere." but that doesnt help, and i can tell he gets annoyed.i guess the worse part is when he tells me about his friends and their gfs going camping, hiking, just doing normal outdoor stuff, it makes me feel bad coz i cant do that stuff.the only memories i do have of us are mostly at home...can any of you relate???? please help me out.


I relate perfectly. See my previous post. Every time I hear about people going out and experiencing life I become full of anger and hatred for myself. I don't even wanna hear about it.I do the same thing as you do- starve myself, and then gourge at the end of the night.


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## masterplan (Aug 6, 2006)

Yeah, I feel so bad about my girlfriend missing out on things. I'm not really the person she fell in love with now. But I can't just let her go because she's my inspiration now. In the past I probably wouldn't have been bothered about getting better and just would have thrown myself in front of a train on something. I have a reason to fight this. I've just ordered the hypnosis CDs. I'll let everyone know how it goes.


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## 14849 (Aug 25, 2006)

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:Yeah, I feel so bad about my girlfriend missing out on things. I'm not really the person she fell in love with now. But I can't just let her go because she's my inspiration now. In the past I probably wouldn't have been bothered about getting better and just would have thrown myself in front of a train on something. I have a reason to fight this. I've just ordered the hypnosis CDs. I'll let everyone know how it goes.


Good luck with the CDs. Unfortunately, I probably wouldn't benefit from them because I'm just too hard-headed.But as with the case with your girlfriend, I'm not the person my wife fell in love with either....


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