# Depths of despair



## Guest (Aug 8, 2000)

I'm really sorry, guys, I'm going to be a real downer, so don't read this if you don't want to listen to me whine. I haven't written in a while--I check the site to see what's new, but I'm going down fast. The pain is bad enough, the IBS, the migraines, the dizzy spells, but the worst thing is that my mind is so bad. I was evaluated when I was 25 with a "genius" IQ. I have always been really sharp at work and able to make quick decisions, but now, I feel like I'm stealing the company's money. I sit at my desk and for the life of me can't figure out what to do next. I know that if my IQ was tested now, I'd be practically retarded. In my 27 years of working I have only been late to work twice, but now it happens all the time because I can't get out of bed. I spend a LOT of time wishing I would die. But I can't tell anyone I know--they'd just worry. Then, they would say, "Oh well, your imaginary illness is due to depression, snap out of it," or something. I hate being this way and I want out. I'm tired of having a good attitude. I read you guys' posts and wonder how in the world you can hold up after years of this garbage. I've become so worthless, I'm totally caught up in the pain, I can't think, and I have NO energy. I've doubled the Prozac, just in case, but no luck. Besides, I'm not in pain because I'm depressed--I'm depressed because of the pain. And to add insult to injury, the cause of all this misery isn't even taken seriously by doctors. I'm so, so tired.------------------Dixiebell


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## Guest (Aug 8, 2000)

Dear Dixiebell,I am so sorry that you're feeling so "down". I know that just about all of us on this board can relate to how you feel.First, let me ask you, have you seen your doctor recently? And did he double the Prozac dose? If not, you need to see him as soon as possible and tell him how much Prozac you are taking. If you are taking other meds for the other symptoms (pain, migraines, etc.) you could be having side effects from any or all of them. This, in itself, could be producing the "brain fog" where you sit at your desk and don't know what to do next. What other meds are you taking besides the Prozac? And what dose of Prozac are you taking now?Please don't despair. We are here for you anytime you want to talk, cry, or vent. Don't spend one more second wishing that you would die. And you are NOT worthless!If you have no significant others there with you who can relate to what you are going through, (not the ones who talk about your "imaginary illness" and tell you to "snap out of it"), see if you can't get in to see a psychiactric doctor if you don't already have one. Or, call a crisis hotline there in Savannah. There must be one there. They should be able to refer you.I can understand that you are tired and in pain. Please post again and let us know how you are doing. You will come out of this O.K.My very best wishes,


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Dixiebell, Hang in there girl! I know what you are going through. I'm going to ramble, too, because I want you to know that your story sounds so much like mine. I spent the last 15 years telling the doctors, etc. that I was depressed because of the pain, not the other way around. I suffer from almost constant migraines, also, besides the burning pain from the Fibro; Although from reading some of the other posts here, I don't think I am as bad as some of the others, but I do know what you are feeling. Don't give up. I'm concerned with the increase of Prozac that you started. It could be putting you further into depression. That's what happened to me. I wasn't on Prozac at the time, I was on Serzone, but I tried Prozac, Pamelor, Buspar, Elavil (amitriptylene), and that's only the ones I can remember. See, my memory isn't the greatest either. I believe that our memory thing is partly from all the meds we have to use and partly because we are constantly in pain and when that happens, the mind has to shut down elsewhere. It overwhelms us at times. At least, that's my theory. Anyway, the Serzone sent me into deep depression---I was suicidal. I refused to answer the phone or answer the door, I didn't want to talk to anyone--hardly even conversed with my husband. I stayed in the bedroom most of the time; either reading or watching T.V. I lost a lot of weight, even though I was eating, but not much when I think about it---I didn't have an appetite much of the time, so I ate small amounts whenever I felt like nibbling. I cried easily and often and I got to the point where I couldn't concentrate and I walked around looking like a zombie with the drawn look, and dark circles under the eyes. Yes, some of the depression was from marriage problems---mostly because at the time, my husband just didn't want to or didn't understand, or who knows what, but when I told him I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore because noone wanted to listen to my complaining (that's what he called it---I couldn't be positive, always negative according to him), I guess he knew I had hit rock bottom. About 2 months prior to that, we were at a Manager's conference and I just couldn't handle it---everyone was laughing and having a good time and I just couldn't and I felt like taking the rental car and driving off one of the cliffs, and later that night when I couldn't sleep, I thought I'd just put a plastic bag over my head and that would be it. Then, after we got back home, a few weeks later, I thought I might as well just sit in the car with the motor running and the garage door closed. The only thing that prevented me from doing such a thing was the thought that I didn't want to do that to my two boys (they are ages 25 and 29 and I love them with all my heart). Larry called my Doctor and he took me in and my Doctor wanted to put me in the hospital and take me off the Serzone and wait 3 days and then start a new one (can't remember the name). I refused to go to the hospital, so he agreed to let me go home as long as I saw a psychiatrist. Well, guess what? On the morning of the third day of discontinuing the Serzone, the "fog" started lifting and I started getting angry about this whole thing and I decided that I wasn't going to take any of this garbage any more. I cold-turkeyed. It was horrible. I was so hyper I couldn't sleep, I felt like my insides were shaking loose, I broke out big time all over my face (zits at age 50 are a little hard to handle!), my underarms were raw--like I had shaved the skin right off. It was rough. The doctor was concerned about health problems, because you should never cold-turkey like I did, but I was so DA-N angry. I was sent to a Psychiatrist and I asked him point blank if there was any reason I couldn't try a more natural approach. He said by all means do so and if I had any questions or problems I could come back. That made me feel good that someone was giving me some space to decide for myself what steps I wanted to take to feel better. It was a good 6 weeks before my body was rid of all the meds. I started eating good healthy balanced meals, I started swimming at a heated pool and pumping a little iron. I also saw another doctor who suggested trying Verapamil for Migraine management. It worked for a while, but lately nothing seems to work. I use Imitrex tablets when necessary and an Imitrex shot if it's really bad. I may be on rebound migraines now from too frequent use of the Imitrex. Midrin does nothing, Cafergot no longer works (that one gave me rebound headaches big time and now it won't work for me anymore). I have both Vicodan and Darvocet here, but all they do is send me for a loop. I'm at my wits end trying to manage these darn headaches and getting nowhere. Doc has now started me on Neurontin, but I don't understand how that is suppose to help. Need to get back to see him and discuss this more. I had Physical Therapy last year for about 4 months and it did help some. I just wish I could have gone longer, but the doctor and the insurance said I didn't need any more. Go figure. Hang in there, and keep posting. We all have our bad times here and this board is so wonderful. You can gripe and complain and whine all you want. It's a good "sounding board" for all of us. I hope my ramblings haven't bored you. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.


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## Guest (Aug 8, 2000)

Dixibell, we are here for you anytime you need to vent or tell us your troubles.Please call your doctor about the Prozac. Like Calida and Feisty said, that could be the problem.Just letting you know that I am thinking of you. Please post back to us. Lynne


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## Guest (Aug 9, 2000)

Hi Dixiebell,This will be short, because I have been in a very rough spot myself lately. Just wanted to add a more substantial reason for the "brain fog" if it doesn't end up being caused by the meds. Dr. Jay Goldstein, of California, one of the foremost researchers for FM/CFS believes we have brain damage in the limbic system of the brain due to a hit and run virus. That part of the brain deals with our cognition, thus the fog. There is more involved too, but just wanted to touch this one area because you mentioned it. When it started in on me when I was still working, I thought for sure I was getting Alzheimers at a young age! I have had to make a verbal contract with my daughter not to commit suicide. When I get to that point, as now, I just have to think of her and how angry she would be because I'd let her down, and I try to make any kind of step I can to help myself. I do have a great counselor who totally understands CFS/FM, if you don't have one, get one, it could literally save your life. Hang in there I care







DeeDee


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Hi Dixiebell:I'm glad you decided to post. Please remember that we are here for you. We understand what you are going through and want you to share your feelings with us. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

ive always felt depression was a seperate issue.it can be the first sign of some illnesses,so couldnt possibely be,i hope you know what i mean.iv had better luck getting out of bed seince iv been on elevil,gotta get use too it,though.these words sure comming slow.feel better.


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