# Losing grip



## pepito89 (Feb 20, 2009)

I apologise in advance for the long post... but here goes.I am 20 with IBS-d. This time last year I was in hospital and doing so badly. But with a combination of pantoprazole, amiptriptyline, fybogel, loperamide and a gluten, dairy, egg and yeast free diet I finally felt like some version of normality was in reaching distance.To cut a long story short, I now have to change my contraceptive pill [which is very important factor in the oh so delicate balance of doing ok] because I have an increased risk of stroke.Finding this out has left me feeling as though I am clinging onto my sanity by a thread. Just when I find a balance that works for me and start to build back up my broken confidence, the rug is ripped out from under my feet and I will have to go back through months, years of messing around with new drugs and different combinations to be able to participate in life. I do believe that a positive attidue is helpful, but right now I don't feel as though I have enough mental strength to get me through. I suffer from anxiety and depression and also have obssessive compulsive disorder. I have a history of self harm and have begun to self harm again, but hide it from my boyfriend and family. I am frightened of what I will become, especially given that at this point, my physical problems are still manageable. I know that there must be a way out of this darkness, and that I want to choose life. I know I need to approach a doctor and seek help, but I don't know how to sit across from a stranger and tell them that I feel broken into a million pieces and don't know how to stick myself back togther for another battle. I see the irony of being able to tell all you folks, but I feel like here, people understand and don't judge.I am desperate to hear of ways people managed to move forward with anxiety, depression, OCD or self harm. I have tried hypnotherapy with some success but nothing else.Thank you, pepito x


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

> I know I need to approach a doctor and seek help, but I don't know how to sit across from a stranger and tell them that I feel broken into a million pieces and don't know how to stick myself back togther for another battle. I see the irony of being able to tell all you folks, but I feel like here, people understand and don't judge.


Yes I agree I think you do need to approach a Dr. and seek help. And as you said yourself.. you told us already... so I am sure it will get easier to tell others and hopefully soon a Dr. or therapist. I have found most worthwhile things are never easy, but they are not impossible. New things are difficult for _everyone_. But I think things get a bit easier the more often you do them. So you have told us here.. so.. now..?? Go tell a Dr. The things you mentioned almost all need a professional's expertise... so the sooner you get some professional help.. the better I think you will feel.A _good_ therapist doesn't judge. But they do make ya work! But it is good work and will lead you to recovery & healing.Keep in mind it may take road testing a few therapists til you find the right one for you. But keep looking til you do!All the best


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## twonK (Oct 30, 2006)

pepito89 said:


> I know that there must be a way out of this darkness, and that I want to choose life. I know I need to approach a doctor and seek help, but I don't know how to sit across from a stranger and tell them that I feel broken into a million pieces and don't know how to stick myself back togther for another battle. I see the irony of being able to tell all you folks, but I feel like here, people understand and don't judge.I am desperate to hear of ways people managed to move forward with anxiety, depression, OCD or self harm. I have tried hypnotherapy with some success but nothing else.Thank you, pepito x


Hi Pepito,I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time of things, it must be truly awful, especially since you felt like things were coming together. That said, having to change pills needn't set you back all the way.Whilst self-harm is quite serious and indicative of real suffering, I don't think many competent professional psychologists or psychiatrists would find it bizarre at all. They've almost certainly seen it many times before and certainly won't judge you for it. They will most likely simply want to help you in the most efficient way possible. If you think about it, it's probably your anxiety&depression that's telling you that the psych is going to judge you. It's unrealistic (but totally convincing) thinking.I know how you feel, I really don't like telling my shrink the things I believe, the things I tell myself and what I feel like doing. They sound crazy. It's hard to tell anyone that every day you want to be dead, for example, or that you're afraid you will commit suicide if someone insults you. These professionals must hear this sort of stuff all the time.Anyway here is how I moved forwards with my self-loathing, atypical depression, OCD, anxiety, IBS-C and NERD:- try every anti-depressant under the sun until you find one that actually picks you up. For years I settled with meds that didn't do anything. My current psych gave up on me (go elsewhere, he basically said) when I suggested I try Nardil. It's the only med that's worked for me. It's halved my IBS pain too. If your professional is not willing to listen to you when you say your med is not really working, find a different professional.- try CBT, ACT, REBT. Personally I found these useless without support from the Nardil.- find a diet that is least painful for you. I eat sh1tloads of bread, bagels, cereal, pasta. It's boring as hell but it's less likely to hurt me.I hope this helps in some way.Pete


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## pepito89 (Feb 20, 2009)

Thank you both for responding. I found a [seemingly] good doc and went today. I so nearly skipped out on the appointment, but managed to pull myself together and got on with it. She was super helpful and thought that the instablity of my mental situation posed much more of a current risk than the risk associated with my meds. We're putting off the switch until I feel stronger and I already feel that just getting things off my chest has eased the anxiety a little. I came away with a script for my first anti anxiety meds, so here goes on the journey to find one that suits. I'm under no illusions that this will be quickly resolved but at least I've made a start.My diet is intolerance free but a bit all over the place so I'm going to try for more of a routine of eating proper meals, sleeping better and finding a bit more purpose in my days. Thanks again


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

You made a super start today Pepito! Good for you! I know it was tough to get yourself in there today... but I am SO happy that you were able to! And I am glad that you feel better just getting it all off your chest.  I agree with the Dr. as just working on one things at a time is best sometimes.I know each med has SOME side effects.. just a matter of hanging in there to see if they pass.. as some do in time. Hope you find one that suits real soon or better yet.. hope the one you walked out with today is the one!All the best


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