# IBS is ruining my life, my marriage, etc



## Canadian_Mickey (Apr 12, 2004)

Ok, I was diagnosed in November, but have had it much longer then that, I got married last August and it has ruined my marriage. My sex life is non-existant, my hubby doesn't understand anything about IBS, or why my sex drive is non-existant, we fight about why I feel sick all the time, and why I can't eat barely anything, it is just making life really difficult!!!







I'm not really sure what to do about it. I'm in the "trying to figure out this IBS" stage right now, and it is not going well at all! I can't get a hold of it at all! My doctoris no help, cause she told me every person with IBS has different symptoms and different treatments....GREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT! Just what I wanted to hear!!!







I feel like my life is on hold while others go on with theirs. Even my husband is moving forward and for some stupid reason I can't do anything! Does anyone else ever feel like it is too much to handle and that you are sick of being sick all the time? What do you do to make yoursel f feel better about your situation?


----------



## Sara Mudie (Apr 16, 2004)

Think about all the things you have achieved. You may have to cut back on your commitments and be 'selfish' for a while but if you are happier in yourself those around you will also feel more comfortable and thus more understanding - really! Yes, IBS is different for everyone but that does not mean your doctor can't help. I'd love to be more encouraging on that front but I'm having a crisis myself right now with house moving and problems at home and my IBS has flared up big time so I'm very low and not very confident. I just wanted to give you a response and tell you not to despair. Your life is valuable, however you choose to live it and, just now it sounds like you need to be in a safe place so, take care of yourself and try to rest.


----------



## amygurl (Aug 26, 2001)

I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are going through.I was married at 18. Was sick just about through our whole marriage. Had attacks so bad like ur's To where I would scream and punch things just cause the pain was horrible. My EX husband would actually just stand there and watch me and sometimes tell me to shut up.I could see the fear in his eyes. He also told me once that he hated taking care of me when I was sick. This marriage only lasted 3 1/2 years. Iam now married again. I married my current husband at the age of 23.Im now 26. I know I didn't waste no time. But I found someone (thank God) that could handle all of this. He loves me more than anything. Sometimes I have to tell him to back up and give me some space when im getting sick. I never thought I would beable to have this kind of love ever. We just celebrated our 5th year ann. and everything is going great. Anyway I just wanted to tell you NOT to give up! God will provide if you ask and believe. You WILL get through this! I never thought I would but I did! Also I have found my lifesaver from this website "CALCIUM" If it wasn't for this website id still be sick and lost.


----------



## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

Yes I feel that way at times too, but was able to find things that helped me greatly. Are you IBS-C or D?


----------



## Canadian_Mickey (Apr 12, 2004)

I'm IBS-C! It's been horrible! I'm depressed alot, and feel sluggish everyday, have no energy to do anything or do normal everyday things. Hubby is not very understanding about any of it. It's really been frustrating and a lonely ride since I came down with it.


----------



## tkelly (May 11, 2004)

Amygurl,What exactly is the address of the calcium website? I tried www.calcium.com, but the only thing that came up was a site for sale ad.


----------



## Guest (May 21, 2004)

My gosh, C.M., it sounds like things are falling apart! It seems like you were diagnosed quite recently, how has it gone as far as learning to manage the condition food-wise and stress-wise? I was so sick a few years ago that I almost had to drop out of University and go back home to Sask. and live with my parents. yikes! I mean, I was d-e-s-p-e-r-a-t-e. I was only eating rice and toast, and still was getting sick all the time. Plus my best friend had moved away, so I felt really scared because there was noone I could really go to for help.Luckily when things came to the worst, my new roomate, and one of my friends (who, about 2 years later became my current boyfriend of nearly 2 years now) were really understanding and stepped up to support me psychologically if nothing else.You really need someone to be there for you, and if your husband can't or won't do it, find someone else. A friend, a neighbour, a support group (i think there's one in the lower mainland), or even someone from an excercise class, a relative... anyone, they don't have to BE there all the time, but you need a sympathetic ear to be there for you and tell you to hang in there!On the management side, have you seen anyone that could help get things a bit more under control? I first went to a specialist and was formally diagnosed (though I'd had this since I was a little kid), and then I was sent to this really great allergist. He's supposedly one of the best in Vancouver. I don't know what part of BC you're in, but if you're near here, I'd be happy to give you his name/number. He did skin testing, and it turned out that I wasn't lactose intolerant--I have a milk protein allergy--ie. I cannot have a drop of any dairy product or I will be sick for days. Also, I have nearly as strong an allergy to yeast--my diet of toast was making me sicker and sicker. It explained why I always had yeast infections that would NOT go away, and why I always felt really ill in the mornings after breakfast (toast).It took a while to adjust to all the rules, which included not only sticking to my allergist's orders, but also getting proper sleep, stress management--both through exercise and having a few close friends/family who I told about the condition so that I had a support system.I assure you, though my IBS is by no means gone, it is usually manageable. Of course I get random flare-ups, and stress sets me off like crazy if I can't avoid it. I've had relapses like anyone. But things are going well enough that I went on a 2 month road trip to PEI and back last summer. I also camped many of those nights--2 IBS nightmares!My boyfriend is good about it though, and his family know that I have food allergies and a 'touchy stomach' and are accomodating to that. Does your husband just not understand what is going on, or is this because there are other problems?Keep us posted. Healthy thoughts,midge


----------



## Canadian_Mickey (Apr 12, 2004)

Thanks Midge for your post! It was really encouraging! I have really been struggling with this. My doc's are no help, even went to my parents doc in Ontario, and he wasn't any help. Everyone I've talked to about this has told me, "Because everyone has different symptoms, we can't really help you treat it." I was so ticked! Then I went to the Dietician, and she told me to eat a high fiber diet for 2 months, but that made me 20x worse!!! So I said screw the fibre thing, it's not helping. So they told me it was up to me! So I don't know where to start with all this. I am having problems because one week I can't eat ice cream, but can eat rice and the next week it is the opposite! So I'm not sure what to think. I do have a friend who I talk to quite a bit about it, and he lets me vent my frustrations out on him. The problem is that he is 3000 miles away, but it helps a bit. Hubby just doesn't understand, or read up on anything. So many people keep saying that I am using it as an excuse not to do things. But they don't understand. It's causing alot of problems in my relationships with people.


----------



## Guest (May 22, 2004)

CM- some "professionals" have no clue how to help people manage this, I've seen my fair share of dumbasses...I mean doctors, who have been completely unhelpful, and some who are so out of the loop on this condition that they basically told me that it's all in my head. Ask anyone on the board, and they've likely been through this, it's all too common. But don't listen to them, it's total b.s.I can't believe someone told you to go on a high fibre diet! Although fibre is important to keep the old system healthy, it is not a bandwagon you can just hop on! It's a good idea to try and increase your fibre intake, but you have to do it super-gradually. And if you've been feeling bad for a while, take it even slower. Like, start with some brown bread and watery fruits and veggies like oranges, cucumbers, melons, then progress to some more fibrous produce like apples, peaches...you have to make sure none of these are giving you reactions either, and after things settle down, you can try moving into the real high-fibre foods like shreddies, bran, etc. Don't rush it though, or it will not be pretty!If you think that you might have some food allergies or intolerances, but can't or don't want to go to an allergist, keep a food journal or get a big piece of paper and write all the foods across the top, dates down the side, and check off the box if you eat the food on that day. Then take a highlighter and mark the days you feel sick. You can try and do your own detective work to see what you should or shouldn't be eating.If you're well enough that you can get out of the house, try working out a bit. It doesn't have to be intense--I'm no athlete...I celebrated the last day I'd ever have to do phys ed. Just like 5 mins on a cardio machine and a few different weights can make you feel a lot stronger and in control, and as a perk, can help get things moving, if you know what I mean. ;-)I'm glad you have someone to talk to, too bad they're so far away, it's nice to have support from someone who you can sit with no matter how you're feeling, and just be in acceptance of this challenge you have to deal with.Try a new approach, there are tons of different things that people find helpful, some do yoga, some take calcium, try and do only one new thing, and stick with it for a month to really see if it helps, then if not, change the plan.I wish I had some advice for how to deal with getting your husband to understand what you are going through. It is hard, I know, and I went through the same thing, being accused of using it as an excuse, and isolating myself as a defense. The thing is, when I pulled away from my friends, I just ended up even more depressed, which made me feel even worse! My boyfriend has never been comfortable hearing about any medical issues from anyone, it makes him really squeemish. So, he has never really read up on the details of the whole thing, but he sees me go in and out of the washroom and snuggle up with a magic bag, and get really exhausted when I'm really sick, and he's grown to understand that this is real.One thing I've had to really challenge myself to do is to keep living a normal life unless I am really having an episode. If I just don't feel well, but I'm not having an attack, I will still go out, otherwise I will never do anything out of fear of something happening. The odd occasion that I go out and do get sick, my boyfriend has gotten good at rushing me to the nearest gas station or starbucks, so I can run in an use the washroom. It actually makes me feel more comfortable going out with him, whereas I used to feel better going out alone so that if I ended up in the bathroom nobody would have to wait for me or worry about it.Just be as honest as you can to those who are closest to you, and tell them that you are working hard to get this thing under control, because it is even harder on you having to live in fear of it flaring up at the drop of a hat.I'd better stop for now, it's getting too long!m.


----------



## amygurl (Aug 26, 2001)

hey night, when I said "this website" I meant ibsgroup website. I've never looked up calcium on the net so I couldn't tell you what the website would be. If you don't have a bottle of calcium go to the store and look at a bottle and get the addy from it.


----------



## rarr (Nov 2, 2003)

CM, I'm really sorry to hear that things are so tough right now and you feel like IBS is taking over your life. trust me..I know how you feel. I'm slowly trying to pull myslef out of depression and anxiety issues b/c of the IBS...I finally really opened up to the ppl around me and told them that I've got IBS/tummy problems and that I need to get better...I bought both of Heather Van Vorous' books..."Eating for IBS" and "IBS: The First Year"...they're absolutely amazing...she's an IBS sufferer as well and reading them has made me realize that things can be okay...I'm already feeling a bit better b/c of the tips that she has given in them. I suffer from IBS-D and heard that Calcium Citrate Plus works wonders so I bought some today and will be trying it out tomorrow! I'm actually quite excited!...I really hit rock bottom this year and was so sick that I was living on peppermint tea and pretzels or I just wouldn't eat for days which was soo painful but at least the D was gone...I spent everyday crying...all while trying to make it through finals at uni... after my last final...like Midge, I was about to move back home with my parents b/c I couldn't do it anymore...I didn't know what to do...and my roomate has also just moved away for the summer..she was my major support when she was here b/c she knew everything and was very helpful(as is Midge's husband) but now I am alone and that made things 10x worse. My parents call everyday to check on me, but it just isn't the same...I am going crazy..alone..in my home..for fear of going out and getting sick. I realize that I can't live my life like this..so I've been taking baby steps at getting better..I don't want to have to move back home b/c I like living in the city(parents live up north)so I started exercising a week ago and I already feel an improvement in many ways...w/ my thinking, stress level, tummy problems..I''m still very disappointed that I can't seem to hold onto a job and that really raises my stress level, but I'm slowly letting myself accept that health comes first..whether or not I asked for the IBS..I have it and I need to control it..not let it take away a life that I've always dreamed of having. I'm so jealous just reading about you guys and your husbands...I wish I had a b/f..but b/c of the IBS wreaking havoc on me this past year..I didn't let myself date or get close to anyone...I pulled away from the 2 guys closest to me and now I long for a companion again. but I know my day will come...baby steps...just baby ones to begin with.Hope that I helped out a bit...and offered a bit of support at least.Love from another fellow Canadian.


----------



## Canadian_Mickey (Apr 12, 2004)

Thanks so much to all of you for sharing your stories with me! It's given me some hope, and lets me know that at least I'm not the only one struggling everyday. I'm going to get those 2 books that Karyno suggested, and maybe that will shed some much needed light on the subject for me,and help me to understand this easier. My parents are concerned as well, and phone me alot...but you are right Karyno, it's not the same! They live in Ontario, so it is not like I can just go over anytime I feel lousy or need my Mommy. Thanks again girls....I'm not going to let this IBS beat me down anymore....


----------



## Guest (May 23, 2004)

CM--as long as you keep trying your hardest to manage this, that's all you can really do right--I think that's the best outlook possible, just not to let the IBS keep you down. Karyno, be strong and try to get comfortable with a few places that you can hang out at, a gym, a coffeeshop, a library, just so that you can go out and do stuff, chat up some handsome strangers... ;-) There's lotsa great places with bathrooms to go sit and read a book with other people around, sometimes it just makes me feel better to get out a bit even if it's not somewhere exciting! I know what you mean about wanting to stay in the city. For me it was a matter of staying in a bigger city (Van), where I've been for a while now, vs. home with the parents (S'toon). Don't get me wrong, it's an awesome place, but right now, it would be really hard, I would miss the life I've worked so hard to make.And my boyfriend (not husband!) is really understanding, but he was just a really understanding friend for the longest time before we started going out. I lived alone for a while when I wasn't doing so well, and he would drop by a lot. Later he told me it just seemed like I needed a friend, and I did! Sometimes it can be best to work on making some friends that you can count on first, because boys can be dumb and break up with you or not understand. But hey, I'm a big proponent of falling for your friends--dating strangers has never worked for me! That's a whole other thread isn't it? CM- don't feel bad, I wanted my mom today too. It's tough sometimes, mom is always the one who just knows how to make you feel better!Anyway, I'm rambling. Keep in touch your two--it's nice to chat with some fellow "great white north"-erners.Hope you're having nice weather for the long wkd!midge


----------



## TeresaRae (Jun 2, 2004)

Oh my gosh C.M. I could have posted the exact same thing you did...except I was diagnosed in October, not November (but also had IBS longer). I also got married in August (the 16th to be exact) and IBS definitely hurts my husband and my sex life!! We fight about it often, especially if he's hoping for some "action" and then I'm too sick or know that having sex would be very painful. And my doctor has told me the EXACT same thing as yours!! I made an appointment with a different doctor, so hopefully that'll do me some good.


----------



## kschultz (Jul 8, 2004)

Hey MickeyGlad to hear you're feeling a bit more positive.I was just wondering, are the doctors that you've been to Gastroenterologists ? or General Practitioners ? If it's the latter, then you should get your doctor to write you a referral to a gastro specialist.They are a lot more specialised in the area and should be able to work with you to find a solution.I know your frustration with "everyone's different" and go find the solution for YOU. I feel like the label IBS has grouped a heap of conditions in the one basket and so the research has stopped on finding out perhaps we've all got several different digestive disorders, like the difference between IBS-C, IBS-D, and IBS-A and that it's crazy to be giving out advice on what works for them all !So I won't give you any advice except to do a huge load of reading (it takes comitment I know) both online and off to find some ideas for helping your particular set of symptoms. If you list really specifically what you're feeling as a subject, people who have also experienced that syptom can let you know what might be worth trying.And with the bloke side of things, it is really hard I know but never apologise for feeling sick - it's not your fault and he should be saying sorry YOU'RE sick ! I went through a lot of frustrations as well with my partner in response to the "lack of action" - show him a lot of understanding for his new "condition" (eg always getting rejected) and maybe buy him a new sexy video or something to keep him otherwise occupied, and to show you're compassionate for his pain ;-) as well. Hopefully it should be returned with sympathy for your own condition.I must admit though during one of our earlier fights I was tempted to put laxatives in his dinner then tell him I was in the mood







Be strong


----------



## kristinrandle (Jul 9, 2004)

CM, Have you looked into support groups that deal with couples' issues when one is sick and the other is not? Or family therapist who help people understand ailing family members? I used to get horrid UTI's that affected my sex life and my Ex-husband wasn't comforting about it at all. I asked him, "If I had cancer, would you be more understanding then?" I had to educate him on UTIs before he quit being an ass. Of course, he wouldn't go to therapy, but I did anyway. If you feel your marriage is worth working on, first, don't blame yourself for anything and do try to find a support group other than just for IBS. Life is made of three things; mind, body, and spirit. Let any one of those go hay-wire and the others will too. I completely believe that when my spirit and mind are strong, my body feels better. Good luck to you!


----------



## michelle29 (Aug 4, 2004)

Hi everyone. I can soooo totally relate to every word you all wrote. Actually getting married and the stress of home, kids, working, etc. made my IBS worse!! Marriage is wonderful but good stress and bad stress still equal the same result when it comes to our intestines. Try to figure out if there is an underlying issue that is bothering you? If you are maxed out physically, emotionally, etc. we often don't realize we are under stress. We are so used to it. I somehow convinced myself that the world would come to an end if I didn't do it all. The house is a tad messy, the kids are actually able to do some things on their own (lazy bums), and sometimes I take a day off of work just because I want to, not need to. You have to say "screw it" and be a little selfish. Take care of you, no one else will. I still get stressed out. That is just the way I was made. I could do yoga, meditate, kick my husband in the shin over and over







and while I may mentally feel better, the stress does what it does physically. I started on Zoloft to help ease the stress and I also take Fish Oils with EFA's, L-Glutamine, and a daily vitamin with extra calcium. This has helped a lot. You have to find something or some way to help yourself. No, it won't always work but you have to live your life. You have to make the best of it. Just steer clear of any place that doesn't have a restroom and you are good.


----------



## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

I'm sorry I just saw your response now. You are IBS-C...I am too. Now not everything helps everyone, but it may be something to try. Dairy...like cheese or a glass of milk...even milk just in coffee can set off pain, bloating and constipation for me. I also notice that carbs do it too...but starchy kind especially breads.Magnessium supplements may at least help you have a bowel movement once a day. I took 400 mg a day.I also found that Slippery Elm was my Godsend. I would take it on an empty stomach with a warm drink like coffee (with soymilk) or hot chocolate or tea. Peppermint oil capsules helped with painful cramping and spasms. I've been having problems again as I am pregnant and trying not to take anything...and I have been taking in a lot of dairy for its calcium and other nutrients. As I said, it may not help. Many have had success with Mag. some have not. Same with the Slippery Elm. I had a post going about the Slippery Elm and many benefitted and plenty didn't. Because they are all pretty inexpensive it may be worth a shot for you. I went through quite a bit of herbs, drinks, home remedies, prescrition drugs etc. until I finally found something. I say be your own guniea pig and you are bound to find some relief at least. I hear you about the sex life and marriage thing. Now that my IBS is bad with the pregnancy, I have become pretty much celibate


----------



## Karen2 (Jul 31, 2004)

I'm reading these stories and being newly diagnosed with both IBS-C and severe gastritis, I am living in pure and total hell. I have just given up my life in Japan and had to move back to Canada (BC) with my parents to try and get better. I have seen 9 doctors over this and it took 2 months being here (I have been here 2 1/2 months) to diagnose this with a specialist. I have lost over 40 pounds due to all this, gave up my job, my apartment, had to leave my boyfriend for the time being in japan and try and sort this out, which I feel is going no where. I suffer every single day and the only thing that has helped to calm some of the spasms down, was leaving my job (less stress). I am going crazy, I hate being here (although family has been trying to help) and I want my life back. I'm afraid of it never being the same. My boyfriend (of over 2 years) tries to help, but he also just doesn't understand. He is also going crazy that I'm not there where he can "look after me". He just feels that if I eat more and gain weight, all will be normal. Well I can't eat more or gain weight cause it's too painful. I'm getting deeper and deeper into this, as I'm trying to learn more and more information. I'm now trying a blood type diet that has helped to ease some things, but not the C. I have read the Van Varous books, but I can't have wheat nor many starches as they seem to be triggers. I am at a loss and have no where to go it seems. I am terrified at eating in a restaurant cause of the sizes and kinds of food, plus getting super sick. I haven't been able to eat at a friends house in over 6 months (nor a restaurant), Ughhh anyways, the complaining can go on, but I have found this sight to be the most helpful and beneficial for me and the past week and half being around it, I feel better that I can post anything here and there is always someone who understands or offers advice, so thanks for everyone for the added help.Karen


----------

