# In need of Life Advice Long Post



## briland23 (Sep 11, 2002)

I know this is a little strange to post here, but I really need advice from some women who are NOT in my family.I have had a pretty bad year with IBS-C. I can pretty much attribute it to my job and the stress I am under. I have changed my diet and am doing better, but I definately have more bad days than good still. I want to take off next year from working, so I can get better. I can't live in pain or put myself through another September like last year's. However, it will be very hard for my hubby and i to make ends meet since we just bought a new house. I am willing to give up my car and most other things if I can just work part time and get better. I can feel myself spiraling into a depression if I keep this up. Anyway, I was also thinking of starting a family. I will be 27 this year, and figured since I will be taking off of work, this would be a good time to try and get preg. I don't want to put my unborn baby through the stress of my job, so I don't want to work when I am preg. If I don't have the baby next year, that would mean another year off of work. I don't think we could handle that.So my question is:Truly and honestly, does it cost a lot of money to be preg. and have a child? My husband and I have great health insurance and he has a good job (attorney). He is so afraid that we will lose the house due to all the extra expenses from my being preg. and the baby, but our parents and VERY helpful and would do everything they could. I just want to have a baby before my body shuts down. I have been getting worse every year for three years. I also want to go on Celexa but I don't want that in my body before I have a child. Any advice would be so helpful. I feel so torn and confused. I know I can't work at the same job I am doing now, and I really want to start trying. Who knows, I could have endo. and have a hard time anyway. The docs have said this is a possibility.Thanks so much...


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## Integrity (Jun 19, 2000)

I don't have any children of my own, I have worked as a Nanny for a number of years (not at the moment though). Yes children are expensive, even as infants and they get MORE expensive as they get older!But you've brought up a good point that your body is getting worse with every year. If you want to have children you might not have much time left. If you wait till you can "afford" children you might never have them. If you stay full-time with your current job while you try to get pregnant, could you get paid maternity leave? I don't know how maternity leave works where you are, if you got a part-time job somewhere else could you get paid maternity leave?


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## zigmissus (May 19, 1999)

What you're saying makes sense to me, but I wouldn't go ahead with it unless your husband is totally enthusiastic. Pregnancy and taking care of a baby tend to stress the best of relationships. Does he NEVER want a child, or just "not now"? Also, if your hubby is correct and you experience financial difficulties, you may be forced to go back to work. (It happened to me.) Then the stress will be even worse due to separation anxiety about leaving your baby. Unless you DO have endo (and you probably should find out for sure), your biological clock isn't really winding down. IBS doesn't make you infertile. (I had my last child, a "surprise," at 37.) Of course, they say that if you wait until your situation is perfect, you'll probably end up childless. It's great that your family is so supportive, but this decision is strictly between you and your man.


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## briland23 (Sep 11, 2002)

Thanks for the advice ladies.







My hubby does want children, but he has the normal "fear" that he's not ready and may not be a good father. But the next minute he'll be talking about how cute I would be pregnant and things like that.I was thinking of working part time if I got pregnant and continuing to work part time after the baby was born. I'm not the type to stay home all day, especially if I have no money to spend shopping! Hubby and I are having a good talk this weekend to really sort things out. We're going to look at our finances for a month and see how much we really need to survive. I just really need to get better. Maybe I should just take the year of part time work just to get better and then think about children. But my heart and my gut tell me to do it soon. I'm also afraid that my IBS will prevent me from being a great mom. I take so much time to myself right now because I am sick or in pain. I wonder if I'll be able to handle it all. How do you mom's with IBS handle it all??


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## connab (Oct 24, 2002)

When I got pregnant, I was working and we decided to buy a new house when I was 7mths pregnant. Our first house was in the 70's($) and the houses we were looking at were 130's and up. My husband and I fought all the time cause I was planning and WANTING to go back to work, but I didnt want to HAVE to. Anyway, at times when we would talk to the realtor she would say well your payment would be this for this house and my husband would look at me and say "you are goin back to work, right". Well we got a house in the 130's and I had the baby in July 98 and as soon as He was born, my husband said "Your NOT going back to work are you??" Well, I didnt go back to work and we are making it and my son is in a private school this year (preschool) and is gonna go to public school next year(the private school he's at now is not accredited). Sometimes, things just work out. We had been planning to have a child, so the money I made, was put into savings. We (or should I say I) am not a big spender. We have nice stuff, and go on vacations, but I dont go over board, I dont try to keep up with anyone else. We are not in debt, we never carry a balance on credit cards. I am sure things will work out.


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## Mishy (Mar 20, 2000)

No one here can make the decision but you and your partner.Children are very expensive! I'm at uni and raising my 6 month old daughter as well. I'm on single parenting allowance because I can't work as well as be a mum and study, and I'm now used to going without, just so that Maddison has everything that she needs.I was also diagnosed with endo, and told I couldn't have kids. After my second laparoscopy in October 2001, I concieved. However I'm having my third lap on the 20th of February, so I'm nervous as to how things have gone since my pregnancy. Endo doesnt mean instant infertility, as you may only have a mild case. Good luck with everything, let us know how it all goes!


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## briland23 (Sep 11, 2002)

Thank you so much for all your replies. You have all been so helpful.Hubby and I have decided that if we happen to get pregnant, then wonderful, but we aren't exactly going to try. I know I will be very sick at the beginning of my preg. so I decided I really didn't want to be at work for that time. Therefore, we'll think about trying after June, but for now we'll just take some chances and see what happens. It might be easier getting a new part time job without being pregnant anyway! I don't know how eager employers would be to hire me with a baby on the way! I'm going to see my gyno this month, and will discuss the endo possibility. And I think it might be smart to let my body heal a little before I make it support a child. The other day, I ate a few raisens and sat on the couch for too long and my IBS cramps and pain went haywire. I think I may be a little too sensitive to survive all the joys of pregnancy at the moment. But boy and I looking forward to it!Thanks for giving me so much support and hope. ((HUGS))


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## zigmissus (May 19, 1999)

Just a side note--and you may want to poll some of the other women here--but, for many of us, our IBS got MUCH better or even disappeared during pregnancy. (Some kind of hormonal connection?)


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## DommieDo (Aug 9, 2001)

I am 27, about to be diagnosed with endo, marrying my fiance next year. We rent our flat and have no chance at the moment to buy anywhere (the prices here in the south of England are outrageous). We worry about how we are going to cope, how we are going to get on the first step of the property ladder, how much we are going to have to cut back on when I am working part time etc etc. All the things people worry about when they are considering starting a family.Since my "womb problems" (i havent been diagnosed yet so call them that) my fiance and i have sat down and seriously talked about our options - if we cant conceive easily, how far we will be willing to go (IVF etc), how much time and money we are prepared to give up and invest in trying to start a family, and it has made both of us realise how much we desparately want a child. We are aware we are going to be "poor", we are going to be getting our first mortgage then a few months later I am going to be on maternity leave and then working part time, all this with a baby (or depending on our fetility, maybe more than one - twins also run in my family!!) but for me and my fiance it will be worth it.


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## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

A side note:Not everyone who has endo has trouble conceiving. In fact, a woman with bad endo can be very fertile. My understanding is where thee ndo is growing that determines whether it impairs fertility.My gyn suspects I have endo, but I haven't had a lap. My mom suffered from endo for years before being diagnosed, and she makes sure i know she had NO TROUBLE conceiving.I know that when I want to have children I might have trouble because of the endo, but I also know that I could get pregnant right away if I stopped using contraception, so I will consider myself very fertile until I know otherwise. I asked my gyn if he thought I might have trouble conceiving, and he didn't know but said he would be more aggressive at treating my endo and not make me try for a long time first if I was trying to get pregnant but wasn't.


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## briland23 (Sep 11, 2002)

Thanks for the encouraging info on endo. Thank goodness there actually are some options out there for treating it. I hope all goes well for you. I pray that I will be able to concieve, but with that comes fear that the stress of the pregnancy will make matters worse. Since I already suffer from IBS-C I've heard that pregnancy makes that worse. That's the last thing I need. Then with the stress the baby puts on your body, other nasty things could happen like rectoceles, prolapse and MORE hemmies (Please God No!). I know it is all worth it in the end. That darn fear!


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