# I dont want to kill myself



## masterplan

About 18 months ago I'd dropped out of Uni and been unable to get my full-time job back. My money was draining and I was on the verge of the sack after a number of incidents at work. I felt like a failure and I wanted to die. I never answered my phone. I had 500 paracetemol saved up in my cupboard. In the end I remembered that I had booked a holiday for myself and 4 friends and I couldn't ruin that for them. As soon as I got back from that I went to Paris, then a music festival. Then I found a girlfriend and went back to Uni. Finally I saw myself as having a future.But here I am again now. I'm due back at Uni in a month but I don't think I can handle it. I've had diarrhea nearly every day for 3 months. When I'm at home Imodium and Calcium work fine. When I'm not, they don't. I'm physically afraid to go out. I can't catch a bus. I shake in a car. I still have job, but I'm due an Attendance Review (which I've already missed once because of an attack). I still have my girlfriend but I'm ruining her life. If things don't improve very soon I can kiss goodbye to my degree. 18 months ago I lost everything and hit my lowest and it was all my own fault. But I fought back and set myself up for success. I'm still proud of that. But it's all about to be taken from me and it's not my fault. I cannot live my life like this. I cannot live my life wearing nappies, or building toilets into the back of cars. It's not me. I can be a fighter but I don't pick fights I can't win. I pulled myself away from my problems before because I always had something to look forward to. Initially it was short-term things, like holidays. Then it became my future. Now I feel like I have nothing at all to look forward to and that is so dangerous.


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## 14448

Masterplan, have you tried stronger anti-d meds like Lomotil? Or anti-anxiety meds like Diazepam/Alprazolam? Or talked to your doctor about depression and suicidal feelings? You seem to have high expectations from your life- holding down a full-time job and going to uni must be hell if you have constant d, so why put yourself through it? If you are trying to live up to your family's expectations, imagine how they would feel if you committed suicide. It is much worse to be dead than unscucessful.You say 'I don't pick fights I can't win', but why make your life such a fight? Cut yourself a break. Get medical certification, defer your place at uni, leave your job, do anything rather than commit suicide. If you can get even a scrap of pleasure out of life, then it's worth hanging onto. Plan things to look forward to like you did before, and use the memory of your previous sucess to spur you on. Even if you can't afford more holidays, list the things in life that give you pleasure and build them in.You say your d is under control when you are at home, so why not find a work-at-home job? Even if you spend a year or two on sickness benefits, it's better than being dead. At least you always have the chance of recovery, the hope that oneday things might improve and you can get the sort of life you want.


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## masterplan

If I defer my place at Uni and leave my job I'd have to move overseas to be with either of my parents. All this about finding work-at-home jobs and such is exactly what's getting to me in the first place. 3 months ago I was totally confident that I would get a great job. I don't want a work-at-home job. I want to achieve something like my potential. I don't enjoy anything now. All I do is sit and watch the clock until it's over.


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## Kathleen M.

Here is a list of suicide resourses a lot of these are on-line or the links could guide you to something local. http://dmoz.org/Health/Mental_Health/Disor...Support_Groups/ Please talk to someone. If you look in your local phone directory there may be a suicide hotline in your area and they can be very helpful as well.If you want to talk to someone about how you are feeling, try www.samaritans.org.uk It is a UK based website, but they do offer support via email. Its totally confidential and can be used via telephone also.This is a world wide help and support website- http://www.befrienders.org/


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## 21021

Hey,Just wanted to say hang in there. I gather you are from the UK, me too. I have lived with IBS since I moved to the states 15 years ago, it was stress that started it. However, it's like a circle, your get stressed so you get IBS which causes more stress. Believe me I have considered ending it all many times, just because I had had enough, but you know, I won't let it beat me, I have tried many different combinations of anti-d's and anxiety meds which do really help, it's just a matter of finding the right one for you.


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## Guest

Hun - you must, must, must go and seek some professional help - I know, cos I've got the t-shirt - I attempted suicide in March and the aftereffects on my family and friends were horrendous - my poor wonderful husband started drinking heavily, my 13 year old stopped going to school and this was months after I was well again.Please don't talk about ending it all like this - it really is NO answer - this all happened to me in March and here we are in August and since then I've been to Paris, Greece and had 4 wonderful days in Ireland with my sister, NONE of this would have been possible would it, if I was nailed up in a coffin.Granted IBS in its severest form can be very limiting but really, once you get that addressed (have you had a colonoscopy and other investigative tests to make sure you are dealing with IBS and not summat else that might have a physical cure) you quality of life WILL improve. You obviously have a very special girlfriend who is STILL WITH YOU. You are obviously bright, if you can't attend Uni - how about some home study. Sorry, not sure where you are from but here in the UK, we have the Open University, or you might be able to do summat part-time. The point I am making is, you always have choices but really, suicide is not a viable one for all those folks around you who care about you.Promise, you'll get some help - there's plenty around and stay in touch via this board - the people on here are (in the main) magic.Good luckSue


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## masterplan

I'm now on anti-depressants and I'm seeing my doctor again in 2 weeks. He's hopeful that both my IBS and my depression will make some improvement by then. I haven't done a colonoscopy or anything, no. But I'm sure it's IBS and that it's almost totally psychological. There is nothing wrong with my digestive system. If I stay at home I can get totally hammered on a mixture of drinks and eat whatever I like without real consequences.My doctor asked if I thought counselling might help. I said maybe, so he said that I should talk to the University about it because I'll probably get in quicker. I'm trying Mike's CDs next. This is just so ****ing irritating. It's like my IBS is saying "Yeah, you can be fine if you want to be. Just give up your degree and your girlfriend, go and leech off one of your parents and I'll leave you alone." It's like I can take my life back if I accept failure.


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## 18906

I feel for you. I've made a lot of sacrifices over the years due to this stuff. I've contemplated it many times. It makes you madder than hell sometimes and sometimes it breaks you. I have found that when I'm feeling at my worst to remember that at least it will not be this bad forever. I know that I get tired of living my life "differently" than my friends. I want to be able to grab Thai food with my lunch partner and not have to leave work ill an hour later. I also tend to relax my routine when IBS is doing well and then I'm right back in a fit. Sometimes you've got to seriously pamper yourself and do WHATEVER is necessary to start feeling better. We don't want to die, we just want to feel better. Be easy on yourself and you'll be feeling better soon. Let us know how the tapes work.







Rick


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## masterplan

I've done my first night on the CDs and I was impressed by it. It definitely made me feel better that evening and maybe it could do the same long-term. BUT, and it's a big one...I can't see anything to look forward to. I know that I'll probably have this all my life. Even the best things will just become stresses, even if nothing ever happens with the IBS. I can't look forward to anything at all. I used to think I'd enjoy the challenges of passing exams and getting a proper job. Now I know I'll struggle badly to make it through them physically. I looked forward to going on holiday with my girlfriend. Now how can I look forward to that? Every single day will just be a worry. Everything is a worry. Unless it involves sitting at home, there is nothing in the World I can look forward to without knowing I can't gain enjoyment from it.I feel like my life is over.


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## masterplan

> quote:I'm starting to think that this is my time. I have a girlfriend and I love her more than anything, but I'm only holding her back. She's desperate to go on holiday. I feel like upsetting her for a while would be better than putting her through this for however many years. My mum's living overseas now and my dad's emigrating in the next few months. Yes, it'll hurt them. But how will it really affect them? Right now I can't travel anyway, so it's not like me not going to see them will make any difference. I haven't lived with either parent for nearly 3 years now. They've got used to me not being around. I've pretty much disappeared from my friends' lives already.The thought of going back to Uni makes me ill. Not just a feeling, it makes me physically need to go to the toilet. Calcium works to an extent, but it can't help when I really, really need it to. If I can't go back to Uni I don't know what I can do. Uni is what, 12 hours a week? If I can't do that I certainly can't hold down a job. I want to get a good job, something I deserve. My natural skill is people management. I just want my chance to do prove it. And until I got IBS I thought I held my destiny in my hands. It's always felt like the only way I can lose it is to drop it, which I've done plenty of times along the way. But not any more. It feels like it's been taken out of my hands at gunpoint. Something cowardly has taken it from me and given me no chance of resistance. IBS doesn't give you a chance. I know it's awful, but I almost wish I had something more serious. Life threatening, even. Just anything that I know could be cured in time and that I could move on from. Something that you can fight and fight until you win. I'd accept putting my life on hold. But right now my life isn't on hold, it's gone. It slammed the ****ing phone down on me.So basically my life is pointless. I want to get my degree, get a decent job and make my girlfriend happy. I can't see a way that I can achieve any of these goals. And believe me, I've already lowered my expectations from my life. Those are the absolute minimum that I need to achieve to make my life seem worthwhile to me. I just don't know how many more times I can wake up, go to the toilet 3 or 4 times and spend the rest of the day either on the sofa or worrying about where the nearest toilet is.


That's what I've just posted in a different topic.


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## 15642

Masterplan,I've been sitting here reading about your struggles and I completely feel for you. It's very very very hard to pull yourself out of yourself when you are in so much pain day after day after day. You don't know when another attack will occur so even when you are feeling good, you're on edge, waiting and wondering for another onset of pain. It's pretty normal I would say to feel mad, angry, sad, pathetic, depressed.......but it's NOT normal to want to kill yourself. You need to talk to God, seriously, have a heart to heart with Him. Then you need to find any form of support group you can. Be it one person or a whole group. We can't always do things alone. I know that you have a girlfriend, but I think your support person should be someone besides her. You'll only feel guilty if you start unloading this all on her. Anti-depressants are also something you should check into. I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. I am unemployed rite now. Got fired in May, I HATE sitting at home. Hate it! I'm not sure what's worse, going on a job interview and not getting the job, or not even trying to look for a job at all. I had everything together most of my life, but this past 7 months it's all gone to sh*t. You said you pulled yourself up before, well that's what you're gonna have to do again! As am I - I will pray for you and think about you as I am struggling to overcome and I hope you can some how remember the good times you had in your life, because those memories are going to help bring you thru this temporary storm! God BlessMichele


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## Guest

You might very well want to talk to god, but also you really, really need to talk to your GP or other professional who can deal with depression.Best of luckSue


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## 14398

Hey there, hope you don't mind me joining in. I'm a first-time user of this but felt really moved to say something. Basically, I know exaclt where you are. I've been there and it's indescribably bleak. You feel you're a burden, that you're ruining everyone else's life and that they'd be better off with out you. That's exactly how I felt this time last year. Now I'm not promising it all goes away with a snap of the fingers but time can and does heal the mental scars of this blinking illness. With the support and love of my family and my boyfriend we've fought and fought and I have slowly started to improve. I can now go out (tummy permitting!) to do some things that I enjoy, but I take it steady. My diet is a nightmare to control but I do because I know I will always have to live with this condition. It sucks but it's a fact that I have had to accept. I think that's the key. If you can accept that yes, life stinks sometimes and you do feel like you are dying, but you do your best to make the best of what you have got, life becomes a lot richer for it.Does this in the slightest bit help?


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## Guest

Well said babe - you've nailed it really. Lets face it, none of us really knows how long we've got on this planet - look at the Croc Man in Oz - life snuffed out by a sting ray barb at 44 - so, you really have got to live for today and things will improve. I'm really glad they have for you.Sue


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## masterplan

This morning my stomach has decided to show me that I can take all the Imodium and Calcium that I want, I can take my anti-depressants and I can listen to Mike's CDs, I can eat a diet that suits it. But at then end of the day, it will always have the last word. I'm sick of this. It's not even diarrhea. If it was, I wouldn't be sitting here. No chance. It's the need to go to and from. It's the knowledge that as soon as I stop appeasing it by staying in and eating only "safe" foods it will turn into diarrhea. My life has been ruined. Completely. I had to just ask my girlfriend to go this morning because I wanted to be alone. I don't think she understands why, when I'm in and out of the bathroom constantly, I don't want her company. I don't want anyone's company. Most mornings now I wish I hadn't woken up.


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## Kathleen M.

Even when you find the best treatment you may still have a bad day once in awhile. EVERYONE even people without any IBS at all have occasional GI upset. When I let the bad days get to me all that causes is more and more and more bad days. When I can take the bad days with a healthy attitude they don't last as long and I have many more good days than bad days. I would really like to see you in treament for this depression you seem to be having. It only makes the IBS worse. When all you can see is darkness your IBS will act up much more than it would if you were having a more normal emotional life.Try to find what makes today better than yesterday. If you expect to wake up and be perfect and cured all you do is make yourself more and more depressed.Really, lots of us, even ones who have IBS that is hard to control, find an attitude that allows us to get on with life DESPITE the IBS. Everyone, every single person on the planet, has something happen to them sometime that could stop them dead in their tracks and make them lay down and die. Life is about getting back up even when things are bad and getting through it.Remember if you are going through hell, keep going. You can choose to stay stuck in the hell or choose to keep going. If you can't choose to keep going get professional help to get over the depression that keeps you stuck in hell.K.


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## masterplan

I feel like it's not my choice to make. I can choose to ignore it and do something, but that's choosing to either **** myself or spend the whole day worrying about ****ting myself. This is nearly EVERY DAY. I've taken knocks and I've got up again, I can do it. I can't do it every single day though. It's worn me down so badly in 3 months that I cannot see myself lasting another 3.You have to understand that I'm not even 22 yet. There are so many things I need to do if I'm going to get the standard of living I deserve: finish my degree, go to interviews, get jobs. If this doesn't go away soon I can't do these things.


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## Kathleen M.

I was in pain that kept me curled up in a nearly a fetal position EVERY SINGLE FREAKING DAY. At that time I would have felt totally blessed to have it be NEARLY every day. I went to work and kept going and worked at finding the treatment that worked for me.I'm not talking about pretending you aren't sick.You can choose to not be depressed about it, really, everyone can, some need medication and professional help to do that.People get degrees and jobs and everything with things as bad or worse than what you are going through. I'm not saying what you are going through isn't severe or bad or can be laughed off. But if you chose to give up and just let the depression kill you that is your choice. Depression is something you CAN do something about. You can be the sickest person on the planet and stil have hope and joy and live life. It is possible. You just will not or cannot see that right now because you are too depressed.Yes, things going on can be triggers for the depression, but you are 22 years old. IBS quite often gets better on its own for no apparent reason, it may take a couple of years for that to happen.That you argue that this is permanent and your life is over is the depression talking. Please get help for that.K.


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## Guest

Couldn't agree more Kathleen - though it may be that Masterplan you actually have depression - which in turn makes the IBS seem worse. I don't know - all I do know is that depression itself ain't no picnic - I try to commit suicide in March - now I'm working part time, have had 3 lovely holidays and am loving life again. It really is so, so important to get some help - and I'm not being patronising - I do think I've a right to say these things having been right down and dirty in the doldrums too.Sue


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## masterplan

If it was pain I could manage to an extent. It's the constant threat of ****ting myself that I just cannot handle. I've more or less made my choice. Just need to get a few things sorted.


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## Kathleen M.

Please, please, please believe me when I tell you getting better IS possible.I know the depression tries to keep you from hearing that, it is like a cancer in your soul that needs you to give up all hope so it can live.


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## masterplan

And I have now indeed been diagnosed with depression and given drugs for it.


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## masterplan

It's logic that gives me these thoughts. It's knowledge. I'm not jumping to stupid, reckless conclusions. I just know that IBS is not curable. I know that it tends to get worse with age.Now I've learned that my IBS will simply disregard Imodium, which is a lot of people's savour.


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## Kathleen M.

Then tell your doctor you are suicidal and what you are taking is not working.You might need more serious intervention than you are getting right now.K.


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## masterplan

My doctor is aware that I'm suicidal and that medication has little effect on my symptoms if I try to do anything. I'm due to see him again next week (he wanted to see me again this week but he's on holiday). What do you mean by more serious intervention?


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## Kathleen M.

IBS does NOT get worse with age.You say 3 months. if this was post infectious like it sounds like it is most people are back to normal in 2-3 years.Yep, years. What if you have the kind that will go away on it's own by a year from now.You won't see any of the data that shows you most likely will be better.All you want is info to justify letting the depression kill you.K.


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## Kathleen M.

You posted while I was writing.More serious intervention.Are you getting regular therapy? or just drugs? What kind of therapy are they doing? If you are putting your affairs in order so you can die you might even need to call the hospital and get a 72 hour voluntary in-patient observation. I know a lot of people that needed that kind of help and are so much better because of it.K.


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## masterplan

The only thing anyone's done for my depression is give me drugs. As far as I know, I didn't have any infection to kick it off. Would I know if it was post-infectious? Or could one episode of (quickly-gone) diarrhea kick it off?I don't have years on my side. I have until September 25th to go back to Uni. Then maybe another 6 weeks after the start before my attendance would be seriously questioned.If I have to leave Uni, I lose my house. If I lose my house, I have to go to either Jersey (as in the island between the UK and France) or Toronto. That means I lose my friends and my girlfriend.


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## Kathleen M.

Lots of people lose everything and start over. You are still very young with lots of time. Everyone gets lots of chances in life. It isn't you get this one shot or you live in your parents basement forever with no job. You really think there are no other people that would be your friends anywhere in the world and no one will ever love you again. That is what you are arguing for after all. Yes a bout of diarrhea out of the blue followed by months of this sounds a lot like post-infectious IBS. Some viruses don't make you sick for that long, but can set off immune responses that lead to the damage that causes IBS. The worry and depression make the damage cause worse symptoms and may prevent you from getting better. The more pressure you put on yourself that this is the only and only shot I will ever have and I have to be perfect in 19 days the worse your symptoms will be. Try cutting yourself a break once in awhile.


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## Kathleen M.

Also most universities here, do not know there, will work with people with health issues. If this one won't, there are plenty that will.


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## masterplan

It's not that my friends will abandon me by choice, not at all. My girlfriend won't abandon me by choice. But I'd be in Canada and they'd be in England. I can't face not being with her. I'm not bothered if nobody else wants me, I only want one person in this world. And losing her or my degree would make things so much worse. Losing both...


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## 14416

Hey bro, I'm 22 years old and have IBS that has been on the severe side for quite some time. Feel free to read through my old posts...I just wanted to say that there are so many new drugs on the horizon for IBS that will be really beneficial to people that have it severe. There are clinical trials going on right now in the UK for a few of them.Also, you talk about how you can't stand losing your girlfriend because she's the one person on this Earth you really want...think about if you were gone what that would do to her - she obviously really cares about you and you care about her...if you did anything drastic she would have to live with that and I know you don't want to put her through any pain! I've been in a similar situation - my IBS was getting so bad that I had to stop going to college for a semester...was in danger of losing my girlfriend, and had no money...I was so down about it all, but it got BETTER! I'm engaged now, am back at college, and am proactively searching for a job! If I would have given up when I was thinking about it I wouldn't be in the position I am in right now. IBS does NOT get worse as you get older, if anything I would think it would be the other way around. I just want you to think about your girlfriend - think about how you said you only want her in this world...that shows a lot! She wouldn't like you to taken away from this world, it would cause her too much pain. Please just think about that.If you need any inpatient help or someone to talk to, Kathleen has posted the info already, also, if you would like to talk to me personally (a person in your age range), PM me and I will give you my phone number. Sometimes it helps to have someone to talk to that knows what you're going through.


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## masterplan

I know what you're saying, totally. I know that it would really really hurt her for a while. But at the same time I want her to be happy and she can't be happy with me. It's great to know that people recover, to an extent. But a life of working part-time, or from home... It's just not for me. I want my fair shot. I want to use my talents and I want my work at Uni to be worth something. It's all so complicated by the fact that there is no way I can defer Uni for a year. I would lose my home and thus be forced to emigrate.


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## Kathleen M.

I work full time, have extremely minor symptomes 3-4 times a year that bother me hardly at all.Why do you not hear that. You think I am lying or something?You do not want to hear the the vast vast majority of IBSers have families and jobs and lives and are happy people. you want to only see the very very few who are really badly off.


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## masterplan

No, I see me. I see that I'm unable to carry out even the most simple tasks. I see that I have a matter of days left before I have to be able to function at Uni.


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## Kathleen M.

PS. while your friends, parents, girlfriend, etc may evetually move on they will never really get over you killing yourself. It will haunt them every day for the rest of their lives.If you can't move on from pooping your pants why do you assume everyone else can move on from your suicide like that was nothing at all. And yes, I have pooped my pants in public.No one ever remembers it, it will cause no impact to anyone's life.Your death will haunt everyone you know until they die and probably even into the afterlife. I do not know anyone who ever really completely healed from the suicide of another person. NOT ONE. It is one of the most devestating thing that can ever happen and you blow off that concern like it is nothing compared to having an accident in public.







I think I need to get off this thread now.K.


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## 14416

> quote:But a life of working part-time, or from home... It's just not for me


Don't let the IBS beat you then - if you really want too work full-time and go back to the university, DO IT. You are capable of doing it. If you want to work so bad that you would kill yourself because of IBS, I would think that you would do ANYTHING in your power to be able to go back to school and work...if that means going into an inpatient unit for a week, two weeks, three weeks, do it! What have you tried for your depression/IBS? Have you been in an inpatient psychiatric hospital? If you are going to kill yourself, I highly advise you give it a try first! You just need to take the next step and call the psychiatric hospital and get yourself checked in today, tomorrow, ASAP.


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## masterplan

I can't be an inpatient. I have to go back to Uni in less than 3 weeks or I lose my home and thus my life.


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## masterplan

You don't understand. My mum is my landlady. She's a social worker, she's dealt with things like depression and anxiety for over a decade. Yet still she just keeps piling on the pressure, telling me she has to sell my house if I'm not at Uni. She can't wait another year if I intermit. It's go back now or lose my home and go and live overseas. She's somehow got this idea in her head that I really want to just sit here all the time doing nothing and that I don't want to make a life for myself. She's so wrong. The whole reason I feel so **** is that my future's been taken away. I WANT TO GO TO UNIVERSITY AND GET MY DEGREE. No matter how many times I say it, she pretends to listen then comes back to selling my house.


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## Nikki

Right, I live in the UK. I suffer badly from my IBS symptoms. How long have you been having symptoms now?I struggle EVERY DAY to get to work, college, the shops, docs appts etc but I STILL do it. When you have GOT to do it you will find a way. I'm not saying its easy, because its not. It will be hard. It will be a slog.Call your univeristy, explain to them the problem. Who gives a **** if you have to leave mid lecture to poo? Do you really care? Don't be bothered about it. If you TELL your lecturers and they are aware it will not be a problem. What university are you at?Does your mum know all about your problems? Have you actually sat down *rationally* and explained how you feel about this to her?At the moment, with all due respect, you DO sound like you are sitting around and doing nothing. If you want to get better do something about it. Be proactive! Try new drugs, ask your doctor about diet. There is lots of things you can do. YOU have not exhausted every avenue.If you want to talk anymore send me a private message or post for my over in "young adults issues".Best of luck,Nikki. x


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## masterplan

I can't take a slog every day. I'm sorry. I'm in complete awe of all the people here who do just get on with their lives. I cannot do that. Three months ago my life was great. Maybe it's not so much about your actual quality of life as it is about the drop in your quality of life. I've never really been happy until about a year ago. Now it's all about to go. My mum knows everything. I've talked to her a lot on the phone. I can't sit down and speak to her because she lives in another country. Whatever I say, it comes back to her wanting to sell my house. I can't even consider moving right now because I need my own bathroom. If I was forced to share with 3 or more other people like I used to then I wouldn't have any underwear left.I'm not doing nothing. I go to work. I go to my doctor's appointments. I can just about handle some of my shopping. I use the Calcium. I listen to Mike's CDs. I take Imodium and try to go about my business as usual. But I can't. There's a pub two minutes' walk away and I can't even go there without my symptoms coming back.This isn't life. It's just existence.


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## 14416

You can go check in to an inpatient unit for a 72 hour evaluation if you are contemplating suicide. You NEED to do this; suicide is never the answer.IBS is bad, but don't let it ruin your life. If you really want to do all those things, you can...you've got to stare IBS in the face and tell it it can't beat you and to buzz the hell off. Go to the Emergency Room or the equivalent to the Emergency Room in the UK and tell them you are contemplating suicide if you can't go to the Uni; they will take it from there.


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## Nikki

You CAN slog it everyday? What makes you any different to me? If i manage to do it, you can. You are only making it worse for yourself by allowing yourself to feel this way.I know, I did exactly the same. Its been 3 months you say? When mine first started I never thought i'd feel better. But I did... It just takes a while to work out what is going to work for you.You say you are doing Mikes CDs...Are you listening to them properly? Exactly per schedule? If you are not, it will not work. Mike has taken a long time to design that programme, you must stick to it.You need to go back to your doc and tell him/her all these things. Hell, print out this thread and take it with you then you won't even have to say it.Let me know what happens.Nikki


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## masterplan

OK. I've been in contact with the Uni by email and it seems that they may be able to help me a bit. So at least short-term I've got something. But then my problem is the disappearance of my long-term future.And the reason I can't just slog every day is that I actually want some enjoyment out of life. I can't enjoy anything. Things that I used to enjoy are nothing more than a series of obstacles.


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## 20411

Hello Masterplan,I am normally browse over these forum from time to time as I suffer from Anxiety related IBS and your case was one that I can relate to apart from the committing suicide.I am Uni, in my second year and living with people in a house. I suffer from the same kind of fear of having 'an accident' in public and unfortuantly plagues me on a daily basis regardless of what situation I am in. The only fear I have at uni is this fear (the anxiety of being in seminars or lecture halls or a place where I cannot get out of quickly makes me panic) of having uncontrollable d. The way I found best to handle is to tell my friends, my lecturers and seminar teachers that I suffer with stomach pains and sometimes need to leave, and they are nothing but supportive. My friends give me the aisle in lecture theatres and in seminars if I need to go they are more then happy to let me go. I work part time and once had to go 6 times in 2 hours. The manager just said 'you got to do what you got to do' and its this attitude that helps live with this. The depression is something that needs to be sorted out and just talking to someone who you can confide in can really help. I have had accidents in public and I told the people and no one seems to mind or look at me any different. People will remember the guy who fell asleep and feel off his chair in a lecture theatre then the guy who ran off to the toilet.I hope some of this helps and all the best for the future.


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## 22943

I'd advise to go to the hosipital and get yourself some help mentally. It's not fun. It's a challenge, a chore, and draining, but in the end, after I complete the program I'm in, I'll be a happier person. I've dealt with many of the same issues you have and if I get up and do it, so can you. You just have to believe you can. You are letting FEAR run your life. Stop letting fear run your life and maybe you can get it back.


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## masterplan

I guess I'll ask my mum what to do tomorrow. She's coming here to get my rent, which I can only just pay since I keep being off work. She's dealt with all this at work for years so maybe she knows what I can do. I don't want to be put away. I don't know what I want now. At least the time pressure seems to be gone. The Uni emailed me and said they're legally bound to pretty much bend over backwards to make sure I get a fair chance to do my degree, because IBS is regarded as a disability. If I can just keep making it to work at the weekends then I can keep paying my rent, so the issue of having to leave the country isn't such a big threat anymore. Now I have to somehow get over this fear of the future that I have. But then I don't know. Short-term, I'm not in any big danger any more. I essentially have 2 years to get over this now. But then the suicidal thoughts are still there. They won't go away.


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## Tiss

I am a mother. My children are 22 and 19. One is in college and the other, who has had significant problems, is not. If either of my children were to tell me what you are saying I would immediately gather them in my arms and get them to a hospital for an evaluation ASAP. Your mother LOVES YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ON EARTH. Be HONEST with her. Show her your postings to this board. She will get the message that you are depressed and hurting. She is a MOTHER and she WANTS to help you, she would give her life for YOU. You must trust her because her love for you is so powerful and consuming that she will not allow you to hurt yourself if she knows what's going on with you! My son had to leave college due to depression and other problems. It has NOT ruined his life. Yes, it is altered but THANK GOD he is still here to face new opportunities and love himself and the world again. I care for you even though I do not know you. I care for you because you are a human being. Imagine that 'caring' a billion times greater and that is the love your mother has for you. Let her help you. Tell it to her straight about your pain and fears and everything else you've told this BB. Good luck and let us hear from you.


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## 19144

hey im 19 female from ukmy symptoms started 4 month ago, firstly it was going clubbing, id occasionally get lower bAK pains, and think nothing of it,.Then id get diarreah, occasionally. Then i started 2 have symptoms every day. In the 2 month ive lost a stone and a half in weight and now down to 6 stone 13 from a healthy, 8 stone 7.For the past 2 month of my life ive convinced myself that im dying, and so far had every blood test u can imagine, a endoscopy, a colonscopy, and currently awaiting more tests.Ive read this website and now realise how bad ibs can actually b and it had helped, as i assumed stress and ibs cudnt possibly cause the following symptoms 1 constant tiredness2 throat glands always up3 sore mouth 4 tingling especially in ribs 5 diarreah every day, none stop6 joint painsand much more...My main problem has been dealing with the fact i feel ive lost out on so much , going from a good job, a boyfriend who i loved, and looking and feeling gr8, 2 being ill, depressed and anxious, in the space of month's, .My main problem is not being able 2 find som1 who i will b able 2 love who will love me with these symptoms...Anyway if anyone wants 2 give me their views ...or experiences msg bak on this.Plus are there periods of remission from ibs, or is it constantly this awful lol?


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## masterplan

> quote:Originally posted by Soph:My main problem is not being able 2 find som1 who i will b able 2 love who will love me with these symptoms...Anyway if anyone wants 2 give me their views ...or experiences msg bak on this.


I was in love before this started and my girlfriend has stuck by me. I believe that she loves me as much as she says she does, so people with IBS aren't unlovable. If I wasn't already in love I don't know what I'd do really. I'd already had 8 months in a great relationship, so she's pretty much stuck with me. I couldn't find another girlfriend now, no way. But I don't want another, I should point out, and I don't think I ever will do.


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## 14398

Its so fantastic that you are in love and being loved so fully by your partner!When I fell ill I had only been seeing my fella for about 6 weeks, and in a matter of days I went from 8st 7lb to under 7st, looked grey and awful and wouldnt go out, couldn't go out.But guess what!?! Even though I thought he would be so much better off without me, he stuck by me and loved me (along with my family) back to my now reasonable health! We've just celebrated being together 15 months, and we are so strong now, we have an amazing love and I'm so very happy, which you are and will be too. Love is such a powerful thing, and with your Mum and your girlfriend, you have more than enough love to show you the way forward from your current situation. You can do this...we're with you all the way.


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## Nick65

I think you are probably too close to talk to your mum about this - Talk to a counseller - Someone who will not question you why or whatever, but someone who will listen and not answer you back.Not being horrible to your mum, but sometimes there are so many clouds around that you can't see the wood from the trees.Why can't she just sell up and you go and rent a flat/bedsit or whatever and take it from there. Go and get a colonoscopy and see if it is something else that could be knackering you - Maybe Coeliacs or something else.What area do you live in? I have got a list of telephone numbers in the UK for self help groups and the Phone a Friend people.No one will put on your gravestone If only I'd been at the Office more often.


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## masterplan

> quote:Originally posted by Nick65:Why can't she just sell up and you go and rent a flat/bedsit or whatever and take it from there.


Because it's never certain whether or not I'll be at work


> quote:Go and get a colonoscopy and see if it is something else that could be knackering you - Maybe Coeliacs or something else.


I have IBS


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## 22943

You can cry and whine all you want to, the real decision is whether or not you want to rebuild your life, if you don't that's your choice. Life is all about choices. My guy had the choice not to run into a burning building today, but he did, because that's his job and ended up with a burned face and his partner is in the hospital. They didn't have to do that and risk their life, but they did. Now, you can look at your life as a burning building, all the IBS "Fires" that you have to put out so to speak and do it, or you can get burned and die. It's your choice. Get busy living or get busy dying. You also need to talk to a therapist about your mother, I'm having the same issues as mine. My therapist's suggestion is to move out on my own where my family can't control my living situation. But, that's up to you too.


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## masterplan

OK, I went back to the doctor this afternoon...He asked me if the anti-depressants had any effect. I said no, but then they're supposed to take 2 weeks to a month to kick in anyway, and it's only been 2 weeks. He asked me how much I had left (he prescribed them, so he should know), I said 2 weeks' worth.He said see about counselling at Uni because I can probably get straight in, and he'll see me about Christmas time.I ONLY HAVE 2 WEEKS' SUPPLY OF MY PILLS LEFT AND HE TELLS ME TO COME BACK IN 3 MONTHS. You're not even supposed to come straight off these things, are you?Needless to say, when I go back to pick up my letter for Uni on Thursday I'll be making an appointment with a different doctor. I cannot ****ing believe this. 2 weeks ago I told him I was suicidal, this time I tell him the pills haven't helped yet, and he tells me to come back in 3 months.


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## 14416

Hey man, did he tell you he wanted you off the medication?If not, you could probably just call in and he'll have a refill script ready for you or he'll call the pharmacy and have the refill ready. I'm not sure how it works in the UK.How about seeing a specialist for the suicidal thoughts? GP's or family practice doctors aren't really well-versed in treated mental health issues; you really need to take those issues up with a specialist who specializes in treating those particular problems. I wish you well.


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## 21723

Just a thought but you mentioned getting hammered and going to the local pub. Alcohol and IBS do not mix. Also you will get better in time because you will learn how to manage the disease. Diet is very important. You need to keep a daily log of every thing you eat and what symptoms you have. Donâ€™t focus too much on the depression. The IBS is causing it. Fix the IBS, fix the depression. You may want to try fasting for a day or two and see what happens. Only water, no sugar or alcohol. If the diarrhea improves there is hope. If not you may have another issue that was missed.


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## masterplan

Already done.


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## Guest

Masterplan - I agree with Accident - I was an in-patient at a psychiatrict hospital - not a picnic but I've learnt to live with my depression, people learn to live with all kinds of things, much much worse than IBS - so get going and get some help.Sue


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## masterplan

I've got some counselling on Monday (my birthday, not that I actually care) at the Uni. Problem is I don't know if I can physically go. My mum phoned earlier and asked if I was on the list for CBT. I said I didn't even care because if I'm still like this in 6 months I won't be here. She didn't speak for a while.


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## Guest

Oh bloody hell - don't go around saying things like that - its totally unfair on people who care about you. CBT is not the be-all and end-all anyway though for some it works wonders.I know probably loads of people have said this to you before Masterplan but for god's sake - there are loads of folk much much worse off than you who are putting the finger up at their conditions and getting on and leading a happy and succesful life.I'm not sure anyway if anything we say on this site is really going in is it. If you have summat like depression - you have to work and fight and bugger otherwise it will win!!Sue


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## masterplan

People say it like I don't know it. Yeah, people have worse problems than I do. But maybe others have lower expectations from their lives. What am I supposed to say? "It's OK Mum, I can wait 6 months", when I clearly can't. Where's the use in just lying?Sorry if I sound arrogant, or anything else that you want to call me. But four months ago I had a future. I can't spend the rest of my life underachieving because my stomach won't let me do anything. My girlfriend started a relationship with me as a different person. I can't live without her, but I can't keep ruining her life. Like I said at the very start, I don't want to kill myself. But I hate my life and it's showing no sign of getting any better. Every day I wake up and wish I didn't. I'm ****ing sick of my stomach churning then firing out **** every time I want to go to the shop that's two minutes away. I spent half of last summer on holiday. I went to the other side of the world. I went to a festival and didn't once have to use the disgusting toilets.I'm not kidding myself that this is life. I'm unhappy and in pain almost all the time and I'm a burden on other people.


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## 14416

I'm here; I've been *living* with IBS for 10+ years and I'm only 22 years old.You can do the same. You just have to treat the depression. Seek out an inpatient clinic. Your depression/anxiety is holding you back; it doesn't really sound like your IBS is the biggest issue.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:I've done my first night on the CDs and I was impressed by it. It definitely made me feel better that evening and maybe it could do the same long-term. BUT, and it's a big one...I can't see anything to look forward to. I know that I'll probably have this all my life. Even the best things will just become stresses, even if nothing ever happens with the IBS. I can't look forward to anything at all. I used to think I'd enjoy the challenges of passing exams and getting a proper job. Now I know I'll struggle badly to make it through them physically. I looked forward to going on holiday with my girlfriend. Now how can I look forward to that? Every single day will just be a worry. Everything is a worry. Unless it involves sitting at home, there is nothing in the World I can look forward to without knowing I can't gain enjoyment from it.I feel like my life is over.


This may come as a totally uncaring letter, but dude, quit your belly aching. We all feel the same way you do, like the carpet was ripped right out from under us, and for some of us.....MOST OF US, it was.You have it no worse than the rest of us do. Quit acting like you do, and quit expecting people to feel sorry for you. We all go through it, and while people understand how you feel, don't expect them to feel sorry for you. We're also trudging on day by day with the same feelings that you harbor. The only difference is that we're not taking the chicken way out of it by killing ourselves.Yeah, we all wish our lives were fuller, or we could do more, but this is the way it is. From reading your post, now, it seems like nothing more than a poor attempt at a justification to kill yourself.There are people here with worse conditions than yours and they don't mention a thing about killing themselves. Booo hoooo hoooo, you can't enjoy holiday vacation with your girlfriend. Booooo hoooo hooooo, you worry everyday and sit at home. *JOIN THE CLUB.* Most of us have come to terms that we're slaves to our bodies and do what we can to live the best we can. How about if you do the same. You wanna talk about holding people back? I've been with my now-wife for over 10 years. I've had IBS for nearly 8 of those 10 years. I've told her to leave and find someone to live a fulfilling life with, but she refuses. Do you think that *MY* IBS doesn't affect _HER_ life? She sits on a sofa and waits for 45 minutes to an hour at a time for me to "be ready" to go out. We go on vacation and she sits in a hotel room until 2pm in the afternoon while I sit on a f-ing porcelain recliner all morning. Don't sit here and cry about how poor life with your girlfriend is.I am a smart person. Instead of having a flurishing career, I'm 32 years old and work .5 miles up the road part time at a g*ddamned Advance Auto Parts for $9 per hour. You think I'm happy? You think that makes me proud? Meanwhile, my dumbass younger brother (and he IS a dumbass) is off making $16 per hour standing in front of a f-ing machine all day feeding it letters. Do you think that makes me feel good, especially considering he has no ambition to do ANYTHING with his life, and I have all the ambition in the world to want to go to college and to succeed in a career?So yeah, boo hoo. Your life is pointless. Well buddy, at least you're not in a wheelchair with some debilitating physical handicap with your head and your arms flailing around uncontrollably while your mother continuously has to wipe the drool from your mouth, the snot from your nose, or the sh*t off your ass.Pull it together, and figure it out. Get a job around the block, and just f-ing do it. You say your job is "people management?" How the Hell are you going to succeed in "people management" when you can't even manage yourself?But, you know what's going to happen? I'm sure I'll probably get banned for this horrifyingly negative post, and that's fine. Instead of crying about how poorly my life sucks I'll be at my suck-ass $9 per hour job at AAP. 20% discount, anyone?


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## Guest

No I think you're posting is absolutely fair enough Flat 4. I don't think there's a soul on here who hasn't had to deal with a fair amount of ****.I did try to kill myself - I sat, covered in my own faeces and vomit, in the middle of the Derbyshire moors ALL night - what I must have put my wonderful husband, kids and loads of close family and friends through - I'm still coming to terms with MONTHS LATER!!! Sorry chaps but "killing yourself" isn't an easy way out - cos frankly - unless you know what you are doing - you can totally **** it up and end up paralysed or worse.I am an extremely lucky girl - I'm well now (albeit on anti-depressants) and think of what I'd have missed if I had succeded.Hang in there and get some help OK.Sue


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## masterplan

Falt 4, you're a ****ing idiot. Your post is exactly what I hate about this "life". You've just totally missed the point. You are exactly what I won't become.


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## masterplan

> quote:Originally posted by Silent Sufferer Suffering:I'm here; I've been *living* with IBS for 10+ years and I'm only 22 years old.You can do the same.


WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?This is not worth it. There is no point. Why just resign myself to getting a ****ty job and just sit here and wait for my girlfriend to get bored of me? I don't enjoy anything now. There's no reason to live with IBS.


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## Kathleen M.

I think the problem is you seem to be acting like a spoiled little kid who isn't getting their way. Pretty much everyone of your arguements sounds like the kid in the store who isn't getting a teddy bear to day and is gonna hold their breath.Every single person on the planet even the very ambitious people with lots of expectations that end up wildly successful in life have set backs. Lots of set backs. Some of the richest people in the world have been through bankruptcy and other terrible set backs and losses.The if my life isn't perfect I'll just kill my self sounds like a temper tantrum a whiney 2 year old would throw, not the response of a supposedly grown man with high expectations of himself.I hope you aren't just doing this for the attention, which it is starting to feel like, especially when you get mad when we don't respond to you in the way you think we are supposed to.If you are really that suicidal and don't want to die make sure you get the help you need, yeah getting that help may mean you will have to find another way to get where you want but every single person achieves their goals by going to plan B and plan C and plan D until they finally get around all the roadblocks. NO ONE HAS SMOOTH SAILING. If it wasn't IBS it would be something else that would make you want to quit and die sooner or later. The first time you got fired or any or the other normal problems that every person has.Acting like a whinely brat will end your relationship sooner rather than later, even if your IBS dissappeared tomarrow. The if it isn't perfect I quit will ensure that you never achieve your goals, even if your IBS was gone. You think we don't undestand, we've ALL BEEN THERE. Each of use ended up getting through it because life isn't about quitting when the going gets tough. Sometimes we don't get what we want, but that is life. It isn't fair, sorry you are just now learning this.I mean if that girl in our department who has NO LEGS and only one thumb on one of her arms can go to graduate school and make it even though it would be really easier for her to just lay down and die then you can make it through this. If JFK and FDR could become President of the USA even with their serious health problems you can get through this if you just cowboy up and act like the man you claim to be.I was hoping things were turning around when you finally stepped up acted like a man and called the University to find out what help they had to give you. I guess I was getting my hopes up for nothing.*sigh*K.


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## masterplan

I'm not a spoilt brat, I don't want something for nothing. I want my fair chance. The chance that I ****ing worked for to take back after pissing it away the first time round. I don't ****ing want "smooth sailing". I have the same problems that every other student and worker has, I just work through them. I enjoy the challenges that life throws at me. You talk like I've never been through anything before and you don't know **** about me. I've been homeless twice, how's that for you? I've worked 70+ hours a week to pay my bills. I've had my life threatened a number of times with knives just for doing my ****ing job. This isn't a challenge, I don't even know what it is. It's just like life has given up on throwing obstacles at me know because I just get past them. So now it's just put something that can't be beaten in the way instead. Even if I do beat it, for a night or a week or whatever, it's still ****ing there just waiting for that moment when I push it too far. Congratulations to all those who've found happiness despite everything, I guess you're just stronger people than I am. I DON'T WANT A MINIMUM WAGE, NO SATISFACTION LIFE WHERE I'M JUST A BURDEN ON THOSE AROUND ME. I deserve that.


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## masterplan

You know what, today I was gonna say "**** it", get up, do my toilet time, take the Imodium then actually go and do something for the first time in a while. Of course, this morning it never came, when normally I'd have been 3 times and been feeling pretty empty. As soon as I make a movement for the door THERE IT IS. I went to the door 4 times, each time having to turn back. Whatever I want to do, it'll find a way to stop me. It's like it knows my plans and will always adapt to ruin them.I've just read back through this whole thread and I should apologise. I do come off sounding like a kid, you're right. But then I've just been writing what I feel. That's why I haven't deleted my post above. It's an honest representation of how I felt after reading the other messages. I can't help snapping. I'm sorry if it offends you, but I think it better to leave it there than to pretend I'd never thought it. From now on I'm really going to try to not reply to things immediately and to think about how it makes me feel and why. I'm an intelligent person and I do think that I've made myself come across as a total wanker. I don't feel mentally ill. I feel like my depression is a logical, maybe even unavoidable, reaction to the IBS. I think most of my current suicidal feelings are about my girlfriend. She's not deliberately putting pressure on me, she's as understanding as she can be, but the pressure's always there. I put it on myself. I can live with my life being **** in the short-term, but I can't live with making her unhappy. I really wonder if this is the root of it.Now I actually do have the time to get better because the Uni can't kick me out over attendance. My bosses have been sympathetic so far. But I feel like my life would be so much easier if I didn't have to worry about my girlfriend, but like I can't live without her. I guess I just really thought that getting Uni sorted out would be getting more of a weight off my shoulders than it has been.I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry. Maybe it's because all of you have your lives already. I don't. In two years' time I have to start a career. I can't even drive yet and I can't see myself taking lessons any time soon. I guess in this situation I'd probably tell people to look past the IBS now and look at the future. But the only future I can see is one where I can't get the job I want because I don't make an interview, or I get fired for being too unreliable. Like I've said, I just don't see myself as having a future any more.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:Falt 4, you're a ****ing idiot. Your post is exactly what I hate about this "life". You've just totally missed the point. You are exactly what I won't become.


Ok, you got me. Let me weep for you. Oh, Masterplan, I feel soooo sorry for you! Sniff, sniff! You poor soul!I'll be the idiot, because guess what, buddy. If you're worried about pooping your pants, you'll have more poop in your pants than you could ever imagine after you kill yourself. Yep, that's right. You'll be discovered with your shorts filled with poop. So I'm what you "hate about this life?" "Flat 4" is the root of your problems? Quit being being such a drama queen. Nobody's going to justify for you that it's alright to kill yourself. You need to talk to a counselor, because you have some serious mental issues.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:
> 
> 
> 
> quote:Originally posted by Silent Sufferer Suffering:I'm here; I've been *living* with IBS for 10+ years and I'm only 22 years old.You can do the same.
> 
> 
> 
> WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?This is not worth it. There is no point. Why just resign myself to getting a ****ty job and just sit here and wait for my girlfriend to get bored of me? I don't enjoy anything now. There's no reason to live with IBS.
Click to expand...

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! MY GIRLFRIEND MIGHT GET BORED! WHAAAAAAAAAAA! I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING WITHOUT MY GIRLFRIEND! WHAAAAAAAAAAAA! THERE'S NO REASON TO LIVE! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!Damn, man. That's exactly what you sound like- a whiny, snivveling baby. You know what happens WHEN your girlfriend dumps your ass (and with an attitude of yours it WILL happen....)? *YOU FIND ANOTHER ONE,* if there's a market for snivveling little crybabies, that is.How ironic it is that you have a Log-In name like "MasterPlan," because buddy, you don't even have a thought down on a sheet of paper yet.


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## masterplan

If you'd actually bothered to read it, you'd have seen that I have my first appointment with a counsellor on Monday. And as for not having a plan: I'm in the process of cutting my working hours down, organising the help that the Uni can offer and seeing a different doctor, so at the very least I can just about keep my head above water for the next two years while I try to sort myself out.But you go ahead, keep reading the bits of it you want to pick on to make yourself feel a bit better and keep ripping into me. I can take that. I'm sorry, but I won't have a life like yours. I don't know if you enjoy it or not, but I can't. I've already done the ****ty job thing and all it did was gave me two options: end it or fight back. I fought back and got into the best position I've ever been in.I may be a depressed, boring cry-baby, but at least I'm not sitting here abusing people to make myself feel better while using IBS as an excuse my own failures. You're nothing, mate. You're providing nothing. I feel guilty about the way I've shoved a lot of support in this thread back in people's faces, I've apologised and resolved to stop doing it. I'm trying to get my life back under control. What are you doing?


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan]I just don't know what to do. I'm sorry. Maybe it's because all of you have your lives already. I don't. In two years' time I have to start a career. I don't see myself as having a future any more.


Yeah, you sure guessed it. Well all hve our lives and the careers we dreamed about.







When I was 5 years old, it was at that point in time that I told all my friends, "When I grow up, I want to work at Advance Auto Parts part time for $9 per hour!"Maybe some of us *DID* have careers _before_ we had IBS.You wanna know what to do? I'll tell you what to do, but then again, _I'm_ "just an idiot." You work with what you have. Period. Want a job? First, here's where you DON'T want to work, not because of the work, but because of the "facilities." Fast food, construction, Quickie-Marts/gas stations, automotive garage or dealership (and Advance Auto Parts).Find yourself a job in a nice office building where the bathrooms actually do get cleaned.There, I'm finished with you. Those are your options. Besides, some of these places will pay for certifications and stuff if you get on board with them. Take some computer courses and get a job as an assistant in an IT department or something. They may pay your way for A+ and MCSE training.At my low-life burger-dummy job at AAP I'm taking tests so I can get my ASE certification. They will pay for it because it's job-related.Now, quit your crying and go get a job.


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## masterplan

Thanks for finally posting something useful. I'm not going to take that advice, not yet anyway, but it's something. Again, you clearly haven't read my posts because you would be aware that I already have a job. But hey, I figure I'm not going to get any better from you and you don't owe me any better. So cheers and I hope your IBS disappears someday.


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## Nick65

I do understand where you are coming from, and it is good to get this out in the air, but maybe you are asking us questions that you should be asking your girlfriend or your Mum. There is pressure to go out with your girlfriend and do all the thigs everyone else does, but let's be honest - IBS is a god send compared to what I am going to have to go through for the rest of my life soon.I have had 35+ ops on my legs from the age of 9 till 41 (Well actually I did have a break of 6 years - Which was nice !!) and I have had to start shopping around to get myself a wheelchair, and other bits as my legs just cannot work anymore - God knows I've tried to get the little SH1TZ to work, but they just cannot anymore.OK I have had 15 years longer than I expected without a wheelchair and I did some damn stupid things which I knew I would not be able to do once I knew the day came - I played Footie in the back garden with my kids, played badminton, squash, walked along the Norfolk Coast. Things my surgeon said that if I did I would damage my legs beyone repair - But what the hell - I've had a grand time, and now I must find disabled sports clubs to go to, which is as easy as finding a needle in a pile of IBS








Life is going to be so much more difficult if I am out and need a toilet - No running to the bog or trying to leg it upstairs - I have to try and get out of the wheelchair first.Anyway, I do understand your problem, and it is relative to you and it is very difficult for people around you to understand, but put it this way - You and I do not have Cancer - We don't have to sit in our own urine and faeces, while awaiting a nurse to help us in hospital, and all the horrible things that go on in life, like MS or Crohns or Dialysis.Be strong, you can do it - Just believe in yourself - That's how you got to Uni isn't it? Because you are good at what you do and the Uni knows that - That's why they accepted you on the course.F*CK the world and show 'em how good you really are


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## masterplan

Yeah, that's the attitude that I try to take. I'm just not so good at doing that yet.


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## Nick65

It is difficult, but you sound like a bloke who will get through it - I think we all feel suicidal sometimes, and it is natural.But don't stop believing in yourself (I know that sounds like all that horrible craap you hear on ER etc etc etc) But you can do it.I believe in you and so does everyone else - It's just that we all get frustrated by these situations - Well when I say frustrated I mean totally and thoroughly ***************************************************************OFF







CheersNickDeleted some **** so the thread would fit width-wise on the screen


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:Thanks for finally posting something useful. I'm not going to take that advice, not yet anyway, but it's something. Again, you clearly haven't read my posts because you would be aware that I already have a job. But hey, I figure I'm not going to get any better from you and you don't owe me any better. So cheers and I hope your IBS disappears someday.


No, thank YOU for posting something useful instead of your same old whiney drivel.Yes, I read that you had a job, and I also read about how miserable you were.And thank you. Same to you. But I wouldn't count on it either way....


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## Nick65

PS If you fancy cheering yourself up - Watch Extras and Webb and Mitchell tonight on the BEEB (2)


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## Kathleen M.

> quote:I've just read back through this whole thread and I should apologise. I do come off sounding like a kid, you're right. But then I've just been writing what I feel. That's why I haven't deleted my post above. It's an honest representation of how I felt after reading the other messages. I can't help snapping. I'm sorry if it offends you, but I think it better to leave it there than to pretend I'd never thought it. From now on I'm really going to try to not reply to things immediately and to think about how it makes me feel and why. I'm an intelligent person and I do think that I've made myself come across as a total wanker.--writen by MasterPlan


Wow, I'm glad something in my post was of value to you. You have no idea how many times I wrote that post then deleted it because I knew I wasn't writing it from a good place and wasn't sure how you would take it. As to feeling your depression is logical. Sometimes the trigger for depression makes sense, and short term mild depression is normal after certain losses. When it starts to effect your ability to move on or it gets to serious suicidal thoughts it needs treatment no matter how logical it feels or that it is a situation that would depress anyone. I mean here in the US a lot of Katrina (the hurricane) victims have gone through a very logical depression. Their city was gone, lots of people they knew died, all their stuff was gone, everything they worked their whole lives for was destroyed. A friend of mine was pretty depressed for quite awhile. His story is really horrific. If you knew what he had gone through you'd be shocked at how well he is doing a year later. Things will never be as they were, too much was lost, but he is well on his way to rebuilding a good life that he can be proud of in the city he loves. It wasn't easy for him, and I know he had some really dark times for a very good logical reason, but he never gave up.I do think you have a lot going for you and it would be a shame to let anything take that from you. K.


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## masterplan

I see things like that, but I think it's totally different. Even when you've lost everything, you can get it back. It might take time but it can be done. With IBS it doesn't feel like that. It' feels like it'll cost me everything then take away my chances to get it back.Any chance of some quick, more general, IBS advice?*I'm seeing a different doctor in a couple of hours and I need to know what I can ask for to just stop me needing the toilet because Imodium isn't quite doing it. Not too worried about constipation effects because I want something I can take on a Tuesday to get through a long day at Uni. Wednesdays are a day off, so it coming back to hit me isn't too much of an issue.*


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## 20250

Flat 4, How old are you? This is a self help BB. Your posts are out of line and reading them sicken me. If you don't like what Masterplan has to say why not ignore the thread?


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## masterplan

I asked for it Brett. We're all adults, you don't need to be protecting people.


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## Nick65

Sorry to ask Masterplan, I am getting a bit lazy, but are you on Anti D's at the moment?If not why don't you try some - It is like wiping the board clean - And then you can try again.Or ask your GP for some Proctosedyl cream. You put it around the anal hole and then it relaxes the muscles from contracting all the time - Use it about 1 hour before you go out and it does make a big difference to me. It might not work for you, but go through a list and try bit by bit - Eureka, you may find something just to get you out a bit more (Warning though, use a cut up old cloth or similar as the cream is quiet thick and sticks to your boxers, and is a bit messy to wash off)Good luck though, and just be honest with your GPCheersNick


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## Nick65

If you want, and you cannot get to a Pharmacy I can get you some Calcium or Probiotic tablets to help you and then post them off to you


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## masterplan

Yeah, I've been on anti-depressants for just over 2 weeks now. It's frustrating: at home my bowel movements are getting a lot closer to be ing normal. But just thinking about doing something is enough to change it.


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## masterplan

> quote:Originally posted by Nick65:If you want, and you cannot get to a Pharmacy I can get you some Calcium or Probiotic tablets to help you and then post them off to you


That's a very kind offer, thank you. I've been using the calcium for 6 weeks or so and it's made a big difference.


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## 20250

I'm not protecting you, I'm offended by the lack of respect towards anyone seeking help.


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## masterplan

It's a two-way street and I haven't shown anywhere near enough respect for those that have tried to help me.


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## 20250

This may be true and Kudos to you for owning your end of it. It doesn't give anyone a free pass to attack a fellow poster. It may be a good time for yourself and others to read the posting guidelines.Have a Good Day!


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## Kathleen M.

You could talk to them about Lomotil, it is a prescription version of Imodium and works better for some people. Although you might be able to take a higher dose of Imodium than you are taking which is something to discuss with the doctor.Lomotil has a bit of an antispasmodic in there. There are other antispamodic meds they might try to add to the Imodium and they tend to be a bit constipating if they don't want to go with the LomotilAntidepressants are another tactic, but those you are on already and if they are starting to help I'd keep up with that.http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100001536.html is some info on Lomotil.K.


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## masterplan

OK, thanks for that. I just decided to walk to the shop, which I haven't felt comfortable doing for a while. I usually cycle because that's quicker. Anyway, I decided I'd buy a pint of milk and I'd get more shopping if I felt comfortable enough to. I did it and got a bit of shopping. It's a start. I'll still be cycling down to the doctor's this afternoon but maybe next time I'll walk it.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by Brett Sr.:Flat 4, How old are you? This is a self help BB. Your posts are out of line and reading them sicken me. If you don't like what Masterplan has to say why not ignore the thread?


Well, Brett, I'm so sorry my posts "sicken" you.







I am trying to help him. So sorry if the "poor me" thing doesn't work with me. And I took none too kindly to being called an "idiot" and the "reason I hate this life" either.Seems you need to catch up on your reading. I could've just as easily sat there and started a pissing war with him, but I didn't.It's not my fault he's miserable with his life. I already fronted some advice to him as to how to help his situation. It's his choice what he wants to do with it.What, because he says, "I wanna kill myself," I should just go ahead and tell him to do it? It's painfully obvious he's either looking for attention or looking for assurance as to WHY he SHOULDN'T kill himself. If he's going to kill himself, he's going to kill himself. A message forum isn't going to change that.Besides the fact, if he felt so strong about how he's feeling about killing himself, he'd be open to seeing a counselor.


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## masterplan

*I AM SEEING A COUNSELLOR ON MONDAY*


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## Nick65

> quote: I just decided to walk to the shop, which I haven't felt comfortable doing for a while. I usually cycle because that's quicker. Anyway, I decided I'd buy a pint of milk and I'd get more shopping if I felt comfortable enough to. I did it and got a bit of shopping. It's a start. I'll still be cycling down to the doctor's this afternoon but maybe next time I'll walk it.


Masterplan - Even if you just carry on cycling everywhere that is a big step forward - It is saying "Up yours IBS" and you are winning.Good on yaCheersNick


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:OK, thanks for that. I just decided to walk to the shop, which I haven't felt comfortable doing for a while. I usually cycle because that's quicker. Anyway, I decided I'd buy a pint of milk and I'd get more shopping if I felt comfortable enough to. I did it and got a bit of shopping. It's a start. I'll still be cycling down to the doctor's this afternoon but maybe next time I'll walk it.


There was a time when I was scared to walk out of my old apartment and down 3 flights of stairs to get the mail. Just take small steps.


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## 20250

> quote:What, because he says, "I wanna kill myself," I should just go ahead and tell him to do it? It's painfully obvious he's either looking for attention or looking for assurance as to WHY he SHOULDN'T kill himself. If he's going to kill himself, he's going to kill himself. A message forum isn't going to change that.


 Again, This a self help BB. People come here looking for help. People also come here seeking attention all the time. What's so wrong with that? People come here looking for assurances/ reasons to live too. Everyone handles IBS differently and has different levels of this syndrome. I have been where Masterplan is in wanting to kill myself and I thank god that Nobody in my circle gave me the advice given by you to masterplan.If you can't offer anything positive please refrain from responding to this thread. Please re-read the posting guidelines also.


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## Nick65

Have to agree with you Flat4 Slowly slowly catchy monkey


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## 20250

Ditto here. It's a start.


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## Guest

Well without sounding like Polyanna - do try and work with folk who try to help. When I was first admitted to the psychiatrict hospital - I was dead against any help but honestly, it gets you nowhere. I'm now working with my GP and my loony doctor - so good luck to any of us battling with mental health problems.SuePS: Lovely to see you posting Brett, hope you are well


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## masterplan

OK, the new doctor was much more useful, I think.I also had to pick up a note from my old doctor, who has written to my University saying "...presented during his holidays with bowel symptoms which *might* be due to irritable bowel syndrome. He is aware of the fact than an emotional is involved in his complaint..."THANKS A LOT DOCTOR! In one word there he's added a non-existant element of doubt that could quite easily make the University not offer me the help I've been promised. If I might not have IBS, should he not have sent me for a number of tests to find out what it is? I cannot believe this. He's told me I have IBS. All the evidence says IBS. And yet, for some reason, he's reluctant to commit it to paper.


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## 14398

Hi Masterplan, good to see you're still talking the issues through...it really is the best way.Congratulations on getting to the shop and back (and no, I'm not being funny). That is an achievement you should be proud of. Big trees from little acorns grow.Yes, we're all banging on about there being life after IBS and so on, but we're really concerned about you. I've been right down there and it's bl**dy miserable and you're fed up with everyone saying it'll be ok when it really doesn't feel like it.But break your life down into lots of mini segments - and set yourself a target each day. Shopping, walk round the block. It might seem dumb now but when you achieve it you'll feel great, and inspired to go on improving. Trust me. I didn't leave my house for weeks on end but slowly I dragged myself back to the real world and I've just landed a rather nice part-time role with the NHS of all people! Doing what I love, but with people who understand (in fact one of my new colleagues has had an organ transplant so we have lots to talk about in our office!!!Keep positive and keep your chin up!


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## Guest

Good for you Peugeot our kid - great to hear about your new job - lovely to hear about folk doing well.Sue


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## masterplan

At least being angry has made a nice change from just being depressed. Seriously, I can't believe this.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by Brett Sr.:
> 
> 
> 
> quote:What, because he says, "I wanna kill myself," I should just go ahead and tell him to do it? It's painfully obvious he's either looking for attention or looking for assurance as to WHY he SHOULDN'T kill himself. If he's going to kill himself, he's going to kill himself. A message forum isn't going to change that.
> 
> 
> 
> Again, This a self help BB. People come here looking for help. People also come here seeking attention all the time. What's so wrong with that? People come here looking for assurances/ reasons to live too. Everyone handles IBS differently and has different levels of this syndrome. I have been where Masterplan is in wanting to kill myself and I thank god that Nobody in my circle gave me the advice given by you to masterplan.If you can't offer anything positive please refrain from responding to this thread. Please re-read the posting guidelines also.
Click to expand...

I've offered plenty of positive. I've offered not only advice but the reality. The reality isn't always pretty. Maybe it's you that should refrain from posting here.I've been in the same "boo hoo I wanna kill myself" position as he has, so don't sit there and lecture me like you have any clue as to what my personal hurdles were.The best advice you can give him is to pick himself up off the ground, brush himself off, and carry on like the rest of us have done.While I sympathize with his situation, I do not sympathize with his "poor me" choice to chicken out and kill himself.And I've read the guidelines, and nowhere in them does it state that I have to agree with you.


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## masterplan

Will you just do me a favour and stop posting in this thread please? You've made your point.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:OK, the new doctor was much more useful, I think.I also had to pick up a note from my old doctor, who has written to my University saying "...presented during his holidays with bowel symptoms which *might* be due to irritable bowel syndrome. He is aware of the fact than an emotional is involved in his complaint..."THANKS A LOT DOCTOR! In one word there he's added a non-existant element of doubt that could quite easily make the University not offer me the help I've been promised. If I might not have IBS, should he not have sent me for a number of tests to find out what it is? I cannot believe this. He's told me I have IBS. All the evidence says IBS. And yet, for some reason, he's reluctant to commit it to paper.


Well, a good first step is to find a doctor that is willing to help you instead of blow it off as some anxiety thing.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:*I AM SEEING A COUNSELLOR ON MONDAY*


Congrats! It isn't always easy to turn to others for help.


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## 14849

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:Will you just do me a favour and stop posting in this thread please? You've made your point.


Glad to hear it! And how many threads do you need to have about killing yourself? Isn't one enough?Now that "my point"







has been made, maybe you'll find yourself to be a much happier individual after getting some counseling.Peace.


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## 14416

Hey bro, the reason I said I was here *living* with IBS is because I think it's important to realize there are people that continue on with life like normal and it's just a minor inconvenience.Sure, I've had a tough time, but I just got my Associates Degree in Business and am pursuing my Bachelors Degree right now. I just got engaged to my girlfriend of two and a half years. The point I was making is I'm not sitting here letting it beat me; I'm *living* with IBS. Suffering is a thing so many people question. _Why do I have to suffer? Why me?_ What we've got realize is that everyone suffers in their own way. The way I look at it - if there was no suffering on this Earth, there would be no compassion, and my personal belief in heaven wouldn't be as amazing. If no one suffered on this Earth what would I have to look forward to? A perfect utopia; it doesn't seem as sweet if no one experienced pain or suffering on Earth. This is just my take on it. You can *live* with IBS, too. You've just got to realize it might take a little work and patience.


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## masterplan

Yeah, I think the way I've lived my life so far makes it difficult to get my head round it. It seems like spontanaety is a thing of the past for me now. Going to London for a full day for a gig. Sharing hotel rooms with my mates. Festivals. Going to Manchester to watch United. It all seems out of the question. Soon my dad'll be in Canada and visiting him will be a stressor, not a holiday.


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## Nick65

> quote: Going to Manchester to watch United


Oh Christ, just when I thought you were turning the corner, things get worse for you.Can you tell I'm a Chelsea Fan - Mind you my wife is a Gooner and my Mother in Law is a Spurs Fan.Cheers and keep your chin up - And mind the Blues - We're about to claim our 3rd in 3 years . Come on you Ruskies


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## masterplan

I'm still worried about my (now ex) doctor stitching me up. Why on Earth does he feel the need to cast doubt on my problems? He has told me I have IBS. Surely if he was in any doubt about my condition he should have communicated that to me and arranged for me to have tests. Are there still doctors who don't truly believe in the existence of IBS? I do not understand why he's told me I have IBS, then told the Uni I "might" have IBS.


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## Nick65

The real problem is that there is normally no proof for the doctors to see - No lumps or bumps in the colon or anything like that.Bit of a bugger, but at least you are moving forwards.Still a bit concerned about Man U though


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## masterplan

I'm not having a good day at all. I think I'm going to go back to the doctor and ask for stronger anti-depressants. I've spent almost all day thinking about it. If I didn't have friends coming over straight after my girlfriend left I might have done it. I'm scared.


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## 16231

Could you please go have your thyroid checked. Get some blood work. I used to be like that. I have a thyroid disease that messes with the mind. Its a very very long story, but pleasego get a blood test for your thyroid if you haven't already.


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## masterplan

I'm almost back to the start. I did the hypnotherapy for about 3 weeks and it just bored me senseless. I stopped doing it because I realised that I was spending most of the time thinking about other things anyway and totally missing the actual therapy. I think I'm going to start again tonight though and really try to listen.My boss has been helpful to an extent but they can't/won't change my hours, except to move them to later on in the day which is no good for me at all because I can't eat before or during work and my various drugs make me so tired in the evenings. Changing the length of my shifts is apparently not an option and I'm really struggling to handle 9 hours. As well as the more serious considerations of suicide every day, I ALWAYS think about it the evening before and the morning of work. My girlfriend remains amazing and perfect, which helps me feel better short-term but more often than not just makes me feel so guilty that I'll probably stand in her way for as long as I'm alive, and so my thoughts drift towards getting out of her life. I still feel that I just don't want to live without her, you can draw an obvious conclusion.I made it to all of my seminars at Uni this week, I went shopping a few times, played guitar at a friend's house and I installed some RAM in a friend's computer for him. So I've been much more active than I've been for months. I even walked significant distances to do some of the shopping, where I usually feel that I have to cycle. My friend gave me a lift over to his house to play guitar and I managed the car journeys without too much discomfort. I have my 4th or 5th counselling appointment on Monday and I've made it to all of them so far and got through them without any trouble. The counsellor is a very nice man, I think he does his best to understand what I'm saying, and he listens hard and asks me a lot of questions.So, in theory, I'm a lot better. But I'm not. Over the last few weeks I've been genuinely very close to suicide at least twice. I take 4+ loperamide every day where I have to do something. I needed Codeine to get through a couple of the days. I had a long talk with a pharmacist, who was really nice, and it's still just this "adapt your lifestyle" business that I can't stand. Yes, I'm doing better right now but I think I'm reaching my new potential, if you see what I mean. I'm reaching the level of lifestyle that I can realistically hope to get to with my IBS. It's nowhere near what I'm used to and it's not enough. Call me selfish as much as you'd like, but it makes no real difference to me. I know there are people worse off. I just want my life back and I don't think I'm ever going to get it. The peace of mind that I've had from using Imodium and Codeine has been replaced with this horrible fear that they'll stop working. I just feel terrible right now. I probably think about suicide 3 or 4 times a day, sometimes more. I keep getting this image in my head of my girlfriend finding out that I'm dead and I hate it. I think about my mum and I think that she knows it's coming, expects it even. I can't imagine my dad being upset about anything really, so that doesn't hugely bother me. I'm scared that it'd completely destroy my girlfriend so I feel like I'm in a situation I can't get out of. If I keep living, I ruin her life. If I die, I ruin her life. I don't know what the point of this post is or how to end it.


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## 20250

> quote:I'm scared that it'd completely destroy my girlfriend so I feel like I'm in a situation I can't get out of. If I keep living, I ruin her life. If I die, I ruin her life.


How about just breaking up with her? Tell her you need some space for a bit to get yourself together. I don't understand why the only solution is to end it all.


> I just want my life back and I don't think I'm ever going to get it. The peace of mind that I've had from using Imodium and Codeine has been replaced with this horrible fear that they'll stop working.
> 
> 
> 
> Self defeating thought patterns will not help you one bit. It sounds like you found something that is helping you somewhat and instead of being happy you are worried about if and when they will stop working. I had these same thought patterns before doing Mike's tapes. I would suggest you do start listening to the program again. If they bore you turn on the CD at bedtime. Fall asleep to the tapes.
Click to expand...


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## masterplan

I'm not giving up the person I love most to satisfy the IBS.I'll tell you what I've been talking about with my counsellor:If I don't do anything - don't go to work, Uni or out socially, I'm fine. I can eat what I want without a lot of trouble. I feel like this is the IBS telling me that this is what it wants. Give up my job, degree, girlfriend and life and I can be absolutely fine. I feel like I'm hanging onto things and I shouldn't be. I feel like I'm just being stubborn and pathetic and harming others by doing it. I can do some things to satisfy the IBS. I can stop drinking, I can let it have it's time in the mornings, I can eat foods that won't cause it a lot of irritation, I've already cut my working hours down but it won't move from it's demands. It won't negotiate with me even though I'm prepared to move a certain distance. But I will keep working for my degree, I will keep going to work on reduced hours so I don't just have to rely on my parents, I will keep my girlfriend. These are the things that I won't move on.


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## Nick65

> quote:I'm physically afraid to go out.


August 24th 2006


> quote: I made it to all of my seminars at Uni this week, I went shopping a few times, played guitar at a friend's house and I installed some RAM in a friend's computer for him


October 13th 2006Less than 2 months on and look what you have done - Be proud of yourself - You are the only one who could take these steps - No one else could do it for youKeep on a troshing


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## Nick65

As for the Hypno - I have been doing it for 5 months now and I never hear what my Clinical Hypnotherapist is talking to me about, as she says that your mind wonders off and it is the sub conscious mind that does the listening - So keep it up







Oooeeerrr Missus


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## masterplan

People keep telling me that and that I can keep moving forward but I don't think that I can at all. What I think is that I'm now at a point where I'm soon going to hit a ceiling. Or maybe this is all just part of the big IBS pisstake. It'll let me get this far then just pull the rug out under me and make me start again. I hate this so much. I can't put it into words. I don't feel proud of anything I do because it's just things that people do. Going to a shop is not an achievement. Going to Uni is not an achievement. But now they are for me. My life has just become a pathetic joke. Sorry if my feelings offend people again but they're just my feelings. There's no point in me typing "I went to Uni so I feel great now!" because it's not true. I'm not going to doctor my posts depending on how anyone who reads them is going to see me. There would be no point in doing that. Not that I think there's a lot of point in me posting at all now but then I guess one person might read it and know they're not the only person who feels like this.


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## Nick65

It's not a case of I can't do it, it is a case of you are doing things at the moment.What you have to do at this stage of IBS is just take 1 day at a time LITERALLY. At the end of each day write in a diary what you did and the good things that you did.Maybe you went out for a pint or just went to Uni or work, and then in 6 months time you can sit and read it and think - SH!T was I that bad then??I have just read through mine and it said on my Birthday"Went to B and Q, but avoided turning right at the lights to stop triggering off my IBS"Now, if I am in a queue at the lights or in a traffic jam, I am okay. I even sat in a traffic jam in the Middle of France for 90 minutes surrounded by Mountains and no toilets, no slip road to pull off, all you have is a drop of 700 metres!!!But this was all down to Clinical Hypnotherapy, Acupuncture and Probiotics over the last 6 months.Remember it is less than 2 months since your August 24th posting and even though you don't think it, you have lasted longer than you thought, and let's be honest if you were that suicidal, you would have done it by now, wouldn't you?? Your brain is just doing it's self preserving thing - Yes, we all think about suicide when you are sitting on the toilet for the 500th time, with blood coming out, horrible pains and feel like death, but we don't press the final destruction button.You are a strong man, you can do it.CheersNick


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## Gret

I know you think it sounds pathetic that going to a shop or to a class is an achievment, but it is! Especially when it was so difficult to do so not that long ago. In the middle of June, I thought I would end up housebound forever. I'm back to feeling almost like a normal person. I still get those feelings on Fridays for some reason and I'm working through that, but mostly I revel in the success of the little things. It's not pathetic, it's improvement and it will get better. Nick's right, keep a journal. I read over my journal from years ago and wonder why the heck a certain problem bothered me so much then!


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## masterplan

I've been feeling a lot better the last couple of days. It seems that my mood dips really badly the day before I have to go to work. I'm worried about myself because the bad days seem to get worse every time. I did Uni without any Codeine today, first time I've done that, and I did a bit of shopping again. But the issue of this ceiling remains, as does the fear of Imodium stopping working. I think it's time I went for Mike's CDs again because I've obviously got the IBS under control more than I did before so perhaps it can now help me make a step back towards total control.


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## 14398

Oh wow you are sounding so much better! Congratulations! I really felt for you as I've been there and we all know it's so flippin' horrible. But you are racking up these achievements each day, which is fab! Yes, they may be small victories, but as the others have said, they really do count. If you are totally honest with yourself, and forget the "it's not the life I'm used to" thing for a sec, you must admit that you have turned a corner and are definitely making progress.I'm really proud of you.Maybe things aren't perfect yet, but heck, just a few weeks on and you're out and about already. Like the previous posters, I was terrified I'd end up housebound. I went from being an Managing Director's high-flying PA to a gibbering wreck slumped on the sofa, and thought it would never go away. But now I'm climbing back up and I've found a part-time job in another area of work I really love and although it might sound strange, I'm happier than ever before because I'm in tune with my body, not trying to fight it, and I wouldn't have changed my career had it not been for my condition.Anyway, a big thumbs up for your effort and perseverence, you've really impressed me and I'm supporting you all the way!


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## Nick65

Well done Masterplan - You are getting there. As for the Immodium, I took it for donkey's years and I actually stopped taking it because I was more in control and not because it did not work.Keep going, but remember one day at a time - If you have a **** day, then just say ok lets try again tommorow. It's not a biggie


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## masterplan

My Friday depression has returned. Maybe I need to mention it to my doctor. It's every Friday, without fail. This time my girlfriend's really pissed me off again. She was here Tuesday afternoon/evening, Wednesday morning/evening/night, Thursday morning/evening/night and this morning, and she's still upset because I wanted the rest of today alone to clean my house a bit, since I'm at work all weekend and have Uni and work on Monday. As far as I know we've both enjoyed the week, so why does she have to ruin it by not letting me get on with things? I can't be happy when my house is in a state, which it gets into when I have no time alone. Again, thought seriously about taking all my pills. Then I realised I only had about 5 left and ordered a repeat prescription. Probably would have run out if that hadn't reminded me







And the IBS has been the worst it's been in weeks today. So pretty much two steps forward and about seven steps back.


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## masterplan

Update: my IBS day has now got even worse. I should really go to bed now but I fear what may happen if I go to sleep. Best case scenario is that I get through work all weekend without eating, worst case is that the diarrhea stays anyway and I can't work. That means a disciplinary this time, my boss can't protect me any further.


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## masterplan

Went to work, albeit late, and broke down in tears 3 times.Pretty sure I've lost my girlfriend now.Very tempted just not to bother going into work tomorrow. I'm really questioning why I'm putting myself through this every day. I'm not enjoying my life and I remain a burden on those around me. So why not stay at home and watch some football tomorrow? Might as well try to do something that's going to make me a little happier rather than put myself through another nightmare at work.


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## 22521

Hi, im glad I read your story because I thought I was the only one!!! When i was a teenager i was really unconfident, this hindered me a lot, I left school got a part time job and started at college before going to uni,during my first year i planned to go travelling around europe, alone.I did it and by exceeded the expectations of anyone I knew, my confidence was at an all time high and i was finally growing into a man, then my ibs started only not bad neough to effect me, at this time my diet was poor so i putit down to that, the following summer i decided to go away again with a friend, again around europe. This trip was to be the making of me. I was hungry homeless, put up by strangers, in trouble may times and met as many girls and have as much fun i i wanted,i returned home and people where amazed at the person id grown into. People looked up to me, where proud of me, and even friends where jealous at the same time!!! Around the time of my second trip was when my IBS began to take hold, it got progressively worse and in the 3rd year of uni, my life resembled something of a mess, my social life began to slide and my close friends began to think it was i went travelling and that i had changed.By the time i left university, struggling althrough the 2nd year i was a wreck, i couldnt look for work and my friends and family began to out the tag of "eternal student" and "doesnt want to work" on me, my best friend has all but abandoned me accusing me of being lazy, a leech and immature, not knowing i have IBS. I had to refuse going out with a girl i really liked at work, again she didnt understand what the problem was and thought i didnt like her. After finishing uni I was no longer working part time, so i thought id join a saturday league team, i went for runs to get fit, started off well until one day i couldnt even get to the top of the road with exhustion and stomach cramps.|The worst part about it is that i used to be insecure unconfident and a bit of a wimpy teenager....but i dragged myself out of that and became a strong confident man who was respected by his friends and family,only now i feel ive returned back to my old self, through powers i couldnt control.Its horrible to say but my uncle is an alcoholic and is about 50 and still lives with my nan, i couldnt help that this is how im going to end up because i spend so much time at home with my mother, it crippled my pride!i foundmyself argueing with her over simple matters like who is doing the dishes, then i would think back to when i was travelling and how much of a different person i was and i have to admit suicide crossed my mind more than once!Fortunatley(i use that word sparingly)i was perscribed colofac tablets which now mean i go the toilet roughly 1-2 times a day although from the momnet i open my eyes till the moment i close them i feel like i need the toilet. I began i night course at college to keep my brain alive and i even struggle with that! At this moment in time i am awaiting interviews for work, ive pinned all my hopes on getting ACUPUNCTURE when i get my first wages, i dont know if you have heard anything about it but with any luck i might be able to get myself back to normal, i would just like to thank you though for making me feel a little better to know that i am not the only one out there that this has happened to, best of luck mate, try the acupuncture, you never know?Peter.


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## Nick65

Personally speaking Acupuncture is fantastic, but more for a different stage of the game. My advice is to get to the route of all evil - "What your brain is telling you to do??" Get that sorted out with some Clinical Hypnotherapy and wipe the slate clean. Then start to rebuild, but just remember it is a long journey and it is no miracle cure. You will have ****e days and that is what everyone gets - With or without IBS!! Take it slowly and tell people for God's sake. They are probaly worried and if they knew then they would probably turn round and say "oh, why didn't you just tell us then??" and you'll feel like a burke for that.Give them leaflets, so they can read it while you are not around, and remember just because you are in the middle of this all, others cannot understand fully. It's like if someone you knew who had cancer - How would you feel?? I wouldn't have the foggiest, and that's human nature for you. The body preserves itself by protecting you from it.Talk and doors will open (Slowly though)Good luckNick


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## masterplan

I'm now at a stage where me and the counsellor have agreed to end soon because I've pretty much said everything. There's just not a lot he can do, I don't think. Other people go to counsellors for temporary problems. I have a medical problem that isn't going to go away and there's nothing he can do to make me feel any better. Anyway, I went to a friend's house last night (after eating - a big curry in fact) and I went and got my hair cut today. Both were pretty horrible experiences for me. Nothing happened, it was just the constant fear. I have to go to a party tomorrow night too. The worst thing is that I can't just walk there with my girlfriend. I have to cycle because it's the only way I can travel without worrying too much. I won't enjoy myself, my girlfriend will get drunk. When we get home she'll cry again because she always does when she's drunk. I don't know what to say now. I still just cannot accept that this is going to be a part of my day-to-day life. I'm getting by just hoping that I'll wake up one morning and be better. I still don't know how long I can do this.I'm sick of this, really sick. I've got to the point where I can live a life that's a lot closer to normal but I hate these restrictions. I think people around me are assuming that I'm feeling better because I'm doing things but I'm just feeling worse because I don't enjoy them. It's like by trying to live my life I've found out what it's going to be like from now on, and it's even worse than just doing nothing. So by getting better at managing the IBS I've only succeeded in making the depression worse.I'm a ****ing moaning old bastard, aren't I?


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## 21485

H'OK,Firstly, I have to say you remind me of myself something wicked. I often whine and moan and have the memememe syndrome (meant in the nicest possible way), and have spent long periods feeling exactly as you do. I have to say, all your posts SCREAM of severe clinical depression. Other people might be getting frustrated with it, but hell, that's depression exactly. All you are saying, all you are feeling. Depression. I know other people have said GO GET HELP, that's exactly what you need to be doing. I'm not talking about seeing a useless councellor who is offloading you as you have a 'medical problem'. You are a clear case of a mental illness who needs help. I know you don't want to be 'locked up' but that isn't really what happens these days, if you are admitted as a volunary patient you can come and go as you'd like and have plenty of rights whilst inpatient.To be honest I'd try get yourself a psychiatrist, GPs are notoriously bad at helping with severe depression and don't have the authority and knowledge to prescribe a lot of the good psychiatric drugs. Your GP will be able to refer you on and if they are any good you'll get an appointment the same week.Until you get start getting this crippling depression under control there is a large chance the IBS will continue to be really bad as I've found you need to really WORK on getting IBS better and severe depression will not allow you to do this.2 weeks is not enough time for ADs to start working, they usually need about a month as well as a dosage increase to feel any real effects. Not to mention not all of them work for everyone. My AD that actually worked was my 13th (the fun of treatment resistant depression!!).Depression is an evil hideous thing, especially at the level you are experiencing. I hope so much you will be able to get better professional help and start tackling it. Even an inpatient stay could really help you right now (and they get a LOT of IBS depressives and seem to know a lot about IBS meds in hospital) to balance out your meds and give you some time out to get your mood lifted.Good luck.


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## steve333

I cant stress this enough-do not rely on immodium, etc to control diarrhea. You need to change your diet-add more steamed vegetables, I also find boiled carrots helpful (boil for 15 minutes). No soda, no friut juice, just drink clean water and decaf green tea sometimes helps, but sweeten only with raw honey not sugar.Try to increase the fiber in your diet, not wheat bran though, oat fiber is easier on the gut (even cheerios is OK) with rice milk. Avoid cows milk-goats milk is good if you can find it.Take probiotics-acidophilous, etc. Jarodophilous EPS is a good one, culturelle is another. Go to a health food store and find one immediately.Take a low potency multiple vitamin in capsule form. If you dont have an ulcer I strongly recommend pancreatic enzymes. People with diarrhea often have trouble digesting fats andd pancreatin does wonders for this. It helps me quite a bit.


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## Kathleen M.

In clinical studies many people are just fine using Imodium for diarrhea for the long term.Yes, it is true that some people can control their IBS with diet alone, but please do not tell everyone that they will be able to. Not everyone can, and if you need medications because diet alone won't work then use medications. Be careful with extreme diet modifcation. You need to make sure you are still getting adequate nutrition and that is difficult to do on extremely limited diets.K.


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## steve333

I would be curious to know if he's tried diet modification and probiotics before resorting to taking immodium everyday. From what I know about immodium, and what my doc told me, it should be a last resort not a first resort.I would never recommend a strict diet. I just added some fiber to my diet and it helped me so i figured it would be worth a shot.I have had IBS since I was 13 (now 46) and I had diarrhea every single day until I started taking pancreatin and probiotics. Then I kind of learned which foods irritate me most (whole wheat products, milk, fried food) and substituted things until i figured out what bothered me least (rice milk, goats milk, whole oat cereals, oroweat country white bread).Its trial and error but diet and supplements can go a long way to at least help us have an almost normal day.


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## Nick65

I have to agree with you about the Probiotics - They worked wonders for me in a way. The D has stopped completely, and all I am left with is the uncomfortable stomach, which can be sorted out with a drop of stem ginger sweets or Uncle Joe's Mint Balls (Sweets).But when I started the Probiotics I found they were too strong for me and upset my stomach, but if you find your balance then Wahey, you're one less thing down and it helps you mentally.I take 3 a week - Monday, Weds and Fridays, so ensuring a slow build up and my stomach does not mind it at all.Also you have to look for ones with 2 Billion + thingymajigs in it, otherwise you might well be wasting your time.Have a bash at it and good luckNick


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## Catalina

Nick, are you taking the Align? I took it for a while, but maybe didn't try it long enough.


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## Kathleen M.

I don't know where the "last resort" thing comes from.Based on my understanding of it and the research of where they have used it in long-term daily in IBSers or other people with chronic diarrhea it really is not a terribley dangerous thing that must be avoided.Your mileage may vary.But then again some doctors think all IBS should be treated only with fiber and diet and no medications should ever be used for anyone ever because IBS is merely a minor annoyance. These are the people who work very hard to make sure no medications for IBS ever get approved, because if we all would just eat a bit of fiber we would all be right as rain.I just see on this site too many people who are way to scared of any medication that they go through all sorts of dangerous diets trying to find what will work. I don't like to see people scared away from something that from the research I've seen is safe and effective.K.


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## Kathleen M.

Now I do agree that if you ahve acute diarrhea from a GI infection you may be better off riding out the diarrhea and just keep well hydrated rather than medicating the symptom into submission.Sometimes we are much better off letting the immune system fight off the invaders and only medicating when the symptoms are getting dangerous. For acute diarrhea and fevers, and such, I usually don't medicate unless I have to.But that isn't IBS or other chronic diarrhea issue.Staying tied to a toilet for 1-7 days riding out an illness is usually doable. Riding out 50 more years tied to a toilet usually is not.K.


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## steve333

> quote:Originally posted by Kathleen M.:I don't know where the "last resort" thing comes from.Based on my understanding of it and the research of where they have used it in long-term daily in IBSers or other people with chronic diarrhea it really is not a terribley dangerous thing that must be avoided.Your mileage may vary.But then again some doctors think all IBS should be treated only with fiber and diet and no medications should ever be used for anyone ever because IBS is merely a minor annoyance. These are the people who work very hard to make sure no medications for IBS ever get approved, because if we all would just eat a bit of fiber we would all be right as rain.I just see on this site too many people who are way to scared of any medication that they go through all sorts of dangerous diets trying to find what will work. I don't like to see people scared away from something that from the research I've seen is safe and effective.K.


I would still love to see him try pancreatin and probiotics to at least see if it helps him.


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## Nick65

> quote:Nick, are you taking the Align? I took it for a while, but maybe didn't try it long enough.


It did take me a few weeks before it kicked in.The one I take is Natures Aid Food SupplementProbiotic ComplexAcidophilus with Bifidus and FOS.They are Dairy Free with 2 billion live organisms.Not sure if you can get them in the US, but they are available at most Health food shops in the UK.The company is calledNatures AidKirkhamPrestonPR4 2DQUKNo artificial flavours, colours, preservatives, yeast or gluten.They do take a while and you just need to adjust as you go along, but after 2 weeks you should know what is good for you.CheersNick


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## masterplan

I tried a probiotic but it did nothing. But then I didn't realise you had to store it in the fridge so I probably just killed it all. I'd try another but I really don't know what to go for. I've ordered a fibre supplement as well. I tried changing diet but that doesn't do anything. Eating less fat seems to be the only thing that helps.Not relying on Imodium isn't an option at the moment, so we can halt that argument. The depression keeps getting worse, I think. I really need to find something that works on my IBS very soon.


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## Kathleen M.

Refrigeration depends on which probiotic you get. Always store them according to the directions on the package.


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## masterplan

I now have a cold that's driven my stomach absolutely mental. Looks like I'll be off work this weekend so it's disciplinary action for me o/


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## steve333

> quote:Originally posted by masterplan:I tried a probiotic but it did nothing. But then I didn't realise you had to store it in the fridge so I probably just killed it all. I'd try another but I really don't know what to go for. I've ordered a fibre supplement as well. I tried changing diet but that doesn't do anything. Eating less fat seems to be the only thing that helps.Not relying on Imodium isn't an option at the moment, so we can halt that argument. The depression keeps getting worse, I think. I really need to find something that works on my IBS very soon.


The problem with fats is where the pancreatin comes in. Poor fat digestion can cause diarrhea and the pancreatin not only digests protein but fat as well.


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## masterplan

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. I'm really falling to bits now. On Monday I went to Uni, found out I'd missed an assignment and started feeling bad. At the break in the seminar I went to the toilet and just cried my eyes out. I wanted (and probably needed) to go back to the seminar but I couldn't do it. I went all the way home, even though I had to go back for counselling and so would only get twenty minutes there, I just wanted to be on my own. Cried more during counselling. So I went back to the doctor on Thursday and he really seemed to listen. I mainly focussed on the problems I've been having at work, where I keep having to disappear to the toilets and just be by myself for a while. I completely forgot to tell him about Monday. Anyway, he put me on Fluoxetine (generic Prozac, I think) and told me to come back in a month and let him know how I'm doing. He offered to sign me off from work for a couple of weeks but I said no and that I wanted to keep going. Big mistake.I went in today and they were hassling me right from the off for no reason at all. The way I've been handling it is to just not respond. This is because I've constantly felt on the edge of something, but not known what. I'm worried that I'm a danger to those around me. By about 11 it got too much and when one of the bosses had a go I just threw down the box I had in my hands (a sign that I was doing work, no?) and swore a bit.So anyway, he took me into the office and accused me of doing nothing all morning. Complete rubbish and I pointed out that I'd done all the things asked of me and that what he was saying was totally without foundation. But he wouldn't accept it and I got angry. I really shouted at him about the fact that I didn't have to be there and that it should be appreciated that I even bother turning up at the moment. Then I went to see my own boss and just broke down.I went and hid in one of the interview rooms for a while. They tannoyed me a few times but I think they just assumed I'd left the building. Eventually I felt somewhere near ready to speak so I got my phone out and called the Duty Manager to come and see me. I told him that I just needed to go away for an hour or so and to come back but he wouldn't have it. To his credit he was really good about it and said that it wouldn't be good for me or for them if I came back today and that I should just go home and relax. I broke down again and told him that it was really hard to accept that I'm not even able to do a ****ty part-time supermarket job any more. I'm now pretty ****ing drunk.


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## steve333

Do me a favor. Go to your nearest health food store and buy pancreatin capsules and a probiotics capsule. Take one of each with dinner each night and see if it helps. You need to try something new and see if it helps your digestion.


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## 20475

Masterplan,I hear what you're saying. I just lost my job as a teacher, which I went through 7 years of university to get. I've had IBS for almost 20 years (pretty sad, considering I'm 26). It's like this IBS just comes out of nowhere and starts dictating that I can't be happy for the happy things. I also just got engaged and have been practically bed-ridden since that day! I feel some days like just lying in bed and not having a good reason to get up. Other days I'm so depressed, all I can do to get my mind off of ending it is just to say "help me" over and over again. I don't even know who I'm saying it to. All I can say is, keep writing. It does help to vent. There are people in this forum who understand and who will try their hardest to give you whatever advice they can. Don't let it defeat you! You will find a way to get this under control. Trust me... this is coming from someone who often feels the same as you do and will stay in the house for weeks feeling so guilty that I'm leeching off my fiance who works so hard. Keep listening to those CDs! I am going to try them myself (fingers crossed it does something for me)! Don't give up!


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## 15976

There are antidepressants that basically can totally stop you up. Talk to your dr. about nortriptylene, desipramine, or effexor and maybe mix it with an anti-anxiety for now.


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## Guest

Eowyn - you really don't have to feel like that - I know cos I did for months and months - go and talk to a sympathetic GP or specialist - I'm on anti-depressants, working, well and being a decent (well hope so) mum and wife - they do take time to work (about 6/8 weeks in my case) but I feel like a human being - they have had rotten press and yes, you can end up with some pretty heavyweight side-effects but when you find one that suits - well, in my case- - I got my life back!!Sue


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