# A situation I want to resolve



## Mimulus (Oct 19, 2011)

So I'm currently really annoyed with myself, as for about the third or fourth time I've decided not to attend a meal with my boyfriend's family due to anxiety and IBS getting the better of me.When I think back to how I used to be before I had IBS, I loved going for meals out. One of the best times I can recall was going to a restaurant with 9 of my closest friends from school for my 16th birthday. Back then, that kind of thing didn't faze me at all; I took it for granted that I could just go to a restaurant with loads of people, and eat. Since the IBS though, I seem to be in a constant panic about whether something I eat will make me feel ill-but I think it is more anxiety than the IBS that is putting me off eating out, as I'm constantly what-iffing beforehand, and my biggest worry is that I'm going to be sick. As a result, this often brings on feelings of my stomach being more upset, and feeling sick. Basically, I'm in a bit of a vicious circle.Sometimes I seem to be ok with eating out; I'll go through periods where it's not a problem, especially if I'm eating with a small number of people, who usually happen to be members of my family. I remember feeling anxious when I was in a restaurant with just my sister though, and not being able to eat anything when I went to a restaurant with my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, and my boyfriend, due to feeling so sick.In terms of tonight, I was meant to be going along to a restaurant not far from ours for my boyfriend's grandad's birthday. There would have been 10 of us in total-all members of my boyfriend's family, including his parents, grandparents, cousin and aunt and uncle. As soon as I heard about this meal though, I was getting panicked about it, especially because, having missed out on previous meals, I think everyone really expected me to come to this one. His grandad in particular keeps saying how he wants to meet me, but I feel like that's even more pressure to attend. There was a part of myself that did want to go to, that tried to convince the anxiety and IBS that I could still do these things. But as usual I chickened out at the last minute. I've spent the last couple of days feeling worse than usual, again because of anxiety over this. It just got to a point for me where it felt like too much, especially because they are my boyfriend's family, so I feel like I have to make a good impression, and five of them I have never met before, and again I can feel a bit anxious about meeting new people, but especially if I have to eat in front of them. I don't really have a question to put out there, I just wanted to get this off my chest, and to see whether other people have been in the same situation. I also feel like I just want to explain fully to my boyfriend's family why I haven't been coming to these meals because of the IBS and it causing anxiety etc. because I don't want them getting the wrong idea and thinking that I just don't want to meet them or something. I honestly do want to meet them! I've met other relatives of my boyfriend's, but it was always more on my terms, like I'd ask if I could go with my boyfriend to visit them. I think it's partly a lack of control as well that makes me anxious too, like _being told_ what restaurant you will be going to, what you should wear, and the table having to be booked too. I know it would help me to overcome my fears and anxiety if I just went to these things, but like I say, it's hard when you feel pressure to make a good impression but your IBS and anxiety hold you back.


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## KittenMama (Sep 11, 2012)

I can totally relate. I'm 19 and have had IBS since I was an infant, so my whole life it's caused issues with going out places with people, especially out to eat. The best thing to do is to be honest with your boyfriend and then let him explain to his family. There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of - no one is going to think less of you. If you don't want to get into the details of IBS, just say that you feel really sick after you eat sometimes. There are tons of people with tons of digestive disorders, so chances are someone in his family could relate to you! Is there any other way you could all get together, maybe something that doesn't involve eating if it makes you sick?If you think it's more anxiety that is causing the problems, then work on that. Go places with people you feel comfortable with, and that aren't that busy at first, like an ice cream shop or a tiny diner. Once you are able to be calm in a public eating place, you can work up to big restaurants and gatherings. Depending on how bad the anxiety is, you could do this yourself with relaxation exercises, deep breathing, talking to yourself - mentally say "I'm okay, it's okay. Everything is fine. I am stronger than this disease." Some people with IBS find it helpful to attend therapy sessions for their anxiety - which, I think, everyone with IBS experiences at one point or another.I usually handle going to restaurants in two ways - if I feel too sick or am having a bad IBS day, I simply don't go. I explain to whomever I was supposed to go with that I'm really feeling sick today, and could we try to go another time? If I'm feeling well enough to go, I do. I relax, tell myself that everything will work out okay, and what really helps is, when I order and the food is brought out, I eat really slowly and don't eat much at all, then take the rest home to eat where I feel a little less pressure, and where I have a private bathroom. I compromise sometimes, like for example me and three friends were going to cook and eat dinner and then go to the beach. I explained to them that I would make a bowl and put it in the fridge to eat when we got back from the beach, since I wasn't feeling hungry at the time - it was really because I didn't wanna risk eating then having to run to the bathroom at the beach. Everyone was fine with it and understood. I think that we worry a lot about what others will think about our IBS, when in reality, other people will not be turned off or disgusted or think we're sick and somehow bad for having this disease. People are very understanding, especially those close to you. And if anyone isn't - they don't deserve to have friends like us anyways.Best wishes


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