# For Everyone



## kiryakitty (Aug 16, 2003)

HI ALL!I haven't posted to this board in about 7 months, which was about the time I found it for the first time. I just been so busy (which has made my IBS TERRIBLE) that I haven't really had the time.Having said that I wanted to say again that finding this board helped me SO MUCH. It's just wonderful knowing that you're not alone, and there's a place where you can talk about everything that no one else wants to hear.I'm a slam poet, and I wrote a peice about IBS (got me a perfect 30 at the last slam!) and I wanted to share it with you folks, cause i thought you might apreciate it.







(Keep in mind that it's meant to be read aloud, so it mind read a little funny on the page).I am sickOr at least I think I amI give myself this title toMaintain my sanity because otherwise Iï¿½m leftIncapacitated without excusesIï¿½m numbLike a swallowed a pin cushion and itï¿½s imbedded in the mucus membraneJust enough so that I can imagine I feel it thereOther days itï¿½s like I have a carnival in my stomachIï¿½m on loop on the scrambler whilePervert carnies play swords with cotton candy sticksAnd everything would be alright if I could just rip it outRip out my intestines and exchange them for theIron stomach of a young German boy raised on bratwurst and aleI hate it because there really is no easy cureItï¿½s as consistent and predictable as the sun on Groundhogï¿½s dayAs a part of me as the microscopic insects that inhabit my epidermisIf I had my way Iï¿½d force it outShove my hand through my abdomen andLet goBut itï¿½s never going to be like thatMaybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something likeï¿½You need to slow down childBreathe and let go your inhibitionsTake some time for yourselfMe first!ï¿½But I get up five hours before I have to leave my houseAnd Iï¿½m still late every ****ing morningAnd I find it counter productive to speed through meditation andSkip meals to do yogaAnd I hate it because all I ever wanted to do was sleepAnd all I ever wanted to do was everythingAnd I canï¿½t do anything because I let it control meAnd I donï¿½t know how to handle it any other wayIï¿½m afraid to get better because that might just mean thatI stop caring that I feel like **** all the timeAnd maybe Iï¿½m a hypochondriacBut itï¿½s only because I have higher expectations of what good should feel likeI shouldnï¿½t have to live like thisIï¿½m nineteen years old Iï¿½m a poet, student, activistAnd for the first time since I was the only girl in the school yard withoutBeads in my braidsI actually think Iï¿½m beautifulAnd itï¿½s wasted on the bathroom mirror and the toilet bowlI hate it because I canï¿½t talk about it becauseItï¿½s not cancer or heart disease andPeople wonï¿½t think Iï¿½m brave for enduring itTheyï¿½ll just think Iï¿½m disgusting orI think Iï¿½m disgustingAnd my anger is only part of the problemIï¿½ve wasted so much time trying to come up withbeautiful metaphors for somethingSo uglyJust so I could write an angry poem about it andNot get embarrassedMaybe Iï¿½m Dr. Jeckle and this is my Ms. Hide myTwisted Fruedian id taking control becauseIï¿½m too weakIï¿½m punishing myselfMaking myself sick so I can missWork and schoolAnd political events and poetryAnd dates and partiesAnd everything that I think I want to do because I donï¿½t really want to do itBecause I canï¿½t handle itI hate it because I canï¿½t eat anything without feeling guiltyAnd I canï¿½t not eat without feeling guiltyAnd all I want to do is chocolateI hate that I might be the only woman in the world notWorried about her weight andI still have to read package labels for fat contentI hate it because itï¿½s hereditaryAnd so is depressionAnd anxietyAnd addictive behaviorAnd the last thing I want to do is give this to somebody elseSomebody I loveIf I ever learn how to love becauseA long time ago Ru Paul told meï¿½If you donï¿½t know how to love yourselfThen you sure as hell canï¿½t love anybody elseï¿½And I donï¿½t know how to except my selfWith these limitationsThere was woman who loved me and I wasted herLike a candy bar you eat to fastLike your favorite stuffed animal you throw away becauseYou finally think youï¿½re too old for it only toWake up in the night grasping for itAnd now thereï¿½s a man who loves me andI donï¿½t know what to do with himIï¿½m tired of making the same mistakesTired of fighting with myselfTired of waking up at six only toGo back to bed at twelveAnd Iï¿½m tired of having to apologize for my discomfortIf I had my way Iï¿½d be thanked for showing upEven if I was an hour lateAnd no one would ever take it personally because they know if it really wasAll about themIï¿½d have taken them out a long time agoAnd if I have to hear one more piece of ****ty uneducated adviceIt just might come to thatAs if all Iï¿½d ever needed was a snackAs if Iï¿½d really just forgotten to drink waterAs if I regular cleansing fasts were anything but anorexia andProselytized mantras like ï¿½Itï¿½s all in your headï¿½ were productiveAs If I hadnï¿½t already tried everythingThe best that Medical can afford meA $115 share of cost forA PhD certified ****ty piece of adviceEven though I used to skip sleepWatching television from my bed sheets justSo I wouldn't feel like I was aloneNow it is all that I can ask forI've thrown out all the conventional answersAnd yet I stand here tonightNot defeated but hopefulbecause for the first timeI am not ashamed to sayI am sick


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## erin5983 (Mar 25, 2003)

Beautiful, Kirya. I love poetry and reading your poem, I could relate to you and how you feel. How wonderful that you're able to express your feelings toward IBS in poetry. I find writing to be very cathartic. Very brave of you to post your poetry, as well. I loved it.


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## rarr (Nov 2, 2003)

That's an amazing poem. It's much too true.


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## babigurl_21 (Mar 24, 2004)

Great poem. You have alot of talent in you, Girl!!Could'nt have kept it more real!!


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## candywithaholeinthemiddle (Dec 9, 2003)

That is an awesome piece, - i'm speechless... good for you for confronting,...and expressing how you feel, that is such an important part of healing...hell, of Living!!~This was very inspirational~Thank you sooo much for sharing - !Maybe you should be visiting more often


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