# I'm So Weary



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

I'm just raw. This whole WTC thing is in my face still. It is still disrupting my personal life & that of my children's. This is like some sort of sustained emotional campaign being waged inside me. I cry on & off all day long. It just bubbles up and out it comes; like somehow I can't contain it. I'm cool in front of the kids and am reassuring them. But Dad is putting in 12 hour days. I try to keep a "regular" day for them. But I can't hide the fact that it is dark before Dad gets home. That we are no longer eating as a family. Both kids ended up in the nurses office at school yesterday. Nothing serious, just kid stress I guess. I can't prevent that & that fact is killing me. I've explained to the Nurses & Prinicpal where Dad is & what he is doing. (Dad has been setting up & organizing the Family Assistance Center in our state across the river from, well from "there".) They understand and are supportive. I have to re-invent the wheel everyday. I'm not sure I know how to do this. I plug up holes in the dam of my kid's security. I squash down my own fears & hand them up, & try to have faith in my husband's safety. But it has been days & days of sustained stress, anxiety, D and then no D. Like the adrenaline takes quick breaks here & there & then surges back up. I find my hands shaking, even when I'm doing stuff that requires concentration, you know paying bills, etc. Like even when it is not paramount on my mind, my body is still pumping. I try to take snippets of time thru out the day to relax & clear my mind. At those moments I end up crying. So much for clearing my head. I don't know how to do this.And then I have guilt, because my husband is at least eventually home every night. Some of the folks working with my husband are holed up in hotels, completely away from their families. Granted their kids are older than ours, but still, they are not home and my husband is. Even if just to eat & then sleep & go at it again. So I feel bad about feeling bad. I'm sorry I'm losing it here. I guess I'm having trouble sustaining all of this. I'm trying not to judge myself, but like there isn't anything to compare this with. I have no idea how good or bad I'm doing. I just feel insecure I guess. Like the very ground I was standing on Sept. 10, isn't there anymore.I dunno. I'm making a concerted effort to eat right, even when I'm not hungry at all. I finally got to sleep with in an hour of getting into to bed last night. I'm still dropping a pound here & there, but I swear I'm eating. I am concerned how long I can keep up. I was able to get thru the tapes the last three nights. I had to stop it once on Monday night, but I re-grouped & started it again. I'm trying to do things right. But I'm wearing out, like the needle is almost on "E". I just feel I have to hold it together, for my kids, and I guess I'm afraid I won't be able to do that.BQ


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

To me, it sounds like you are doing just fine. Try not to be to hard on yourself.It hasn't had any direct impact on my life and I cry over things in the newspaper/internet/TV, putting $ in the boots of the local firefighters when they are out on the street corners raising money.Give yourself space and time, and try not to judge how well you hold up with others. Some people look better on the outside but are doing worse on the inside, so it is hard to know what is going on.K.------------------ï¿½When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fallï¿½Think of it, ALWAYS. ï¿½Mahatma GandhiMy story and what worked for me in greatly easing my IBS: http://www.ibsgroup.org/ubb/Forum17/HTML/000015.html I do not work for anyone who sells any IBS related products.


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## GailSusan (Dec 23, 2000)

BQ, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. It's okay to break down and have a good cry. You don't have to be strong 100% of the time. Is there any way you can take some time to recharge? Now's the time to ask family and friends to help out before you hit the "E". I know it's hard to ask for help, but you deserve it. You've been holding up the fort admirably. Take some time for yourself, somehow -- it will not just help you, but your whole family.


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## Lefty (May 18, 1999)

Hey BQ, I know it takes a lot to get you down, but I agree with K, you sound just fine. You are a strong lady, your kids will be fine, and you will look back on this time in the future with pride and the knowledge that you helped so many people. Take care of yourself.------------------Shared joy is joy doubled....shared sorrow is sorrow halved.


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## AZmom1 (Dec 6, 1999)

Your reaction to the events of the past week sounds appropriate considering your proximity to the situation. You and the kids are bound to be impacted, and you just do the best you can. You will be able to hold yourself together for your kids, because you are strong enough to cope. Know that we are here for you to hold you up when you need it. (((HUGS)))AZ


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

BQ, You are not alone in this....Feel myself breaking down in tears also. Everytime a plane goes overhead, I stop and mentally think about it. Please know that our thoughts are with you and all that are dealing with this... Hang in there, hon. (((HUGS))) to you, and to everyone~~ Marilyn


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Thanks You all. I made it thru today anyway. Even got the kids to their ice cream social at school tonight. Dad was home by the time we got home. He tells me they are kicking him outta there after tomorrow. Others will take his place over the weekend & most of next week. He'll be checking in maybe once there next week if all goes smoothly. And I don't get picked for a jury. Yes that's right I've got jury duty on Monday. I thought for awhile I'd be arrested or I'd have to bring the kids with me. I wasn't sure, nor was he, that he could get away to be off & be here for the kids. My D is on & off depending on the wind at this point I think. I'll just do my hypno best & take meds. I'm relieved that hubby will have a few days off in a row. Lots of families thru the center today. Tough, tough stuff. It breaks my heart & his for sure. I so appreciate all of your words & thoughts. I'm gonna trust you guys & try to believe I'm doing this ok. Gail, the problem with having someone spell me is everyone I know is about as bad off as I am; either involved in this WTC mess or other family stuff that blew up as well this week. However we might get together with friends tomorrow night, if we can pull off the logistics.I guess I'm stronger than I think, but maybe that is true for most of us. I'm "to the bone" weary in every way and I guess what you are saying is that's a "normal" state of affairs for someone in my shoes. So I'll wear them, those shoes, but they are new and pinching me, ya know?Marilyn you made me smile. My goal is to _just_ stop & think about it when planes go over head instead of jumping. We had rain here today, duh I guess you all know that from watching TV tho huh? Anyway the planes seemed exceptionally loud today because of the cloud cover. I jumped alot today.With all of your support I'm feeling at least affirmed that I'm doing my best. If I forget, remind me will ya?Thanks so much. BQ


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Plane just going overhead as I write this...BQ you are doing great.... you are a survivor in many senses of the word... IBS being just one of them, but also in a bigger braver sense. You are to be proud of yourself. You are really growing strong in the face of this and from where you were weeks ago. you are on your way, and together we support you and all of us in the world..we are all brothers and sisters in this. Take care, hon. You won't need reminding. You are doing GREAT!!!! Love ya.... (((HUGS)))------------------~Marilyn~Helping Mike to help others~ www.ibsaudioprogram.com and www.healthyaudio.com


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## Maedchen (Jun 3, 2000)

BQ - Just sending a hug your way. It was good to see the change in "tone" between your two posts. It helps to come here and vent sometimes, doesn't it? Keep up the tapes, if only to have a little time to yourself to "refuel".<<<HUGS>>> to you and your family.


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## Guest (Sep 21, 2001)

Hi All,BQ Hang in there,







Best RegardsMike


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## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

BQ, read the trauma info I posted and be strong girl.------------------Moderator of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Anxiety and Hypnotherapy forum.I work with Mike building his websites. www.ibsaudioprogram and www.healthyaudio.com I also work with Mike in IBS clinical trials using Mikes tapes at an IBS research facility.My own website on IBS is www.ibshealth.com Please visit for accurate information on IBS.


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## KES (Mar 4, 1999)

Oh BQ, the title of your thread is so perfect. Weary is such a good word for this heavy weight we are walking around under. My memory is shot, so forgive me, but do you live in NJ? Your husband was helping coordinate relief supplies in NJ? Your husband must have so many sad stories....You really have articulated your feelings so well, and in doing so, youï¿½ve articulated mine and others. The ground on which we used to stand September 10th IS forever gone. And the guilt over our own feelings, when others are bearing so much more than we are.... Still aware of those planes. Those couple of days weï¿½ve had thunder, I got a sickening feeling inside. I kept saying, ï¿½Itï¿½s only thunderï¿½ to myself. Itï¿½s almost like Iï¿½m reassuring a child, but Iï¿½m reassuring myself. I donï¿½t like these feelings at all. And yet we still try to be strong for our kids. I want to lock ï¿½em up at home, but of course we canï¿½t do that. The psychologists say that our kids take their cue from us, and that if we remain calm it will help them. So, are you and I going to share the Oscar this year?As I posted in the other thread, I have the memorial service for my daughter's softball coach to go to tomorrow. Iï¿½m getting worked up. Iï¿½m not the one who lost her husband, yet I know it was only by a twist of fate that it wasnï¿½t him. He so easily could have been there. On another day, he would have been. A couple of weeks earlier he was commuting into the WTC. But heï¿½s OK. How dare I feel so broken up, and I donï¿½t want to look like a fool at this service, but I know Iï¿½m just going to be fighting tears the whole time....None of this makes any sense. But it is good to know we are not crazy. We are not alone. There are people who are not from NY, people who live thousands of miles away, and they too are frightened and suffering and saddened. Some of us lost family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, but we all lost so much. Those poor innocent souls, so so many, are the same as you and I. It is too much to comprehend, and clearly my writing skills are locked away deep in my breaking heart.BQ, I know what you are feeling. You are not alone.


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## GailSusan (Dec 23, 2000)

BQ, You do sound so much better. I'm sorry there's no one around to take over for you, so you can take a break {{{hugs}}}}.


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

I don't have a whole lot of time here gang. Tending to hubby & kids is priority one. Suffice it to say my hubby was responsible for setting up all Mental Health Services and loads of other stuff at the Family Assistance Center in Liberty Park, Jersey City, across the river from downtown. This is where the families of the missing are coming. Rough week. He had a tour of "ground zero" yesterday. From what he told me, TV is not giving any near accurate picture of what it really looks like. It will be awhile b/4 things are back to normal in my house. My hands are shaking as I type still. I don't know whether it is because I'm relieved that he is home for a couple days or it is still anxiety over where he has been, what he has seen & what he is feeling. Shaking hands; Don't know why, don't care. I'm heading off on Monday for jury duty anyway. I don't care, just gonna do what I gotta do. It is a minute at a time. Couldn't listen to the tapes last night. First time this week tho, so I guess I'm not doing bad. I'll try again tonight. Continue, if you could, sending good & peaceful vibes our way. Thanks. BQ


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## BR (Apr 12, 2001)

Hi BQ,I haven't been on this site much lately, so I just saw your post. I'm way across the country and I have no idea how to deal with my feelings and there you are living it, so your feelings are going to be so much stronger. We've never gone through this before so I guess all we can do is get through it since we have no manual. I don't know you personally, but I know you some from reading your posts. You'll get through this and be strong for your kids and your husband and then you can break down later.







By the way if you're interested I got out of jury duty because of IBS. The lady said, I don't get it how can people go to work, but they can't do jury duty with IBS? People without it don't understand, huh?God bless you and your family.


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

Wow, what a strong woman you are,you're doing great. You will get thrue it and you know it. Very proud of my cyber friend(as my husband calls it).


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Hi The people at the court house were very nice. I told them I'd have to ask to be excused, told them what hubby was doing & they simply said, without hesistation, "You are free to go". I welled up again. I swear one of these days I'm gonna not cry. I came back home & literally flopped back into bed & slept for 3 hours. I'm just wiped out & feeling still fatigued, if that is possible. Hubby goes back to the trenches tomorrow. Thanks for all of your thoughts & concerns, I can feel it. BQ


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Stillthinking of you BQ, and wishing you well. Glad that they let you go... Hang in there....thoughts and prayers with you and all who suffer at this horrific time...Take care. ((((HUGS)))) to all.------------------~Marilyn~Helping Mike to help others~ www.ibsaudioprogram.com and www.healthyaudio.com


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Ok I'm "acting as if" as much as I can like AZ so wisely suggested. No question my household is tweaked by this whole thing & will be for awhile. Yeah I'm still weary and some nights it takes some doing to settle down enough to do the hypno & then eventually sleep.But I actually called a crisis number myself this am, just to make sure I'm doing things ok with the kids & hubby. It was weird for sure, cause the person I was talking to actually falls under what hubby is responsible for. They said they would keep my call confidential, gosh I hope so. Anyways the woman I spoke with assured me I was doing the right kinda things & offered suggestions to fine tune things a bit. I took her suggestions & followed thru on some of them already. She affirmed alot of my feelings & realized instantly what the shoes I'm wearing must feel like.Biggest problem for me personally is a lack of a receptacle to put the wealth of feelings I'm having in. Hubby normally catches these 'big ticket item' type issues & bounces 'em back with affirmations, understanding, affection etc. And I do the same for him. I'm holding back from him, as he is with me. This in itself is weird in our relationship. We both are aware that we are doing it and why and have actually expressed that verbally to each other. We are very much used to being on the same page with each other on a daily basis. He and I are leaving vast quantities of those pages blank at the moment. We will share with each other later, when things calm down a bit. We will catch up with each other at some point. Right now though, we gotta wait. I'm thinking I should be keeping a diary of sorts so it will be easier to catch up later. This is the first time in our marriage that we have had to put this many things off for this length of time, so it is weird. This is where I am at the moment. I'm still on schedule with the tapes and they are, most times, a respite for me.Haven't had to take any meds in the last two days, so I'm able to ebb off pain fairly efficiently right now. The C/D, D/C, whichever, is unpredictable but I'm just going with the flow & not concerned about it too much right now. Yesterday I did better with the shaking, as in I wasn't shaking very much. Today, well..... I'm shaking. Guess there will be some days better than others.Tomorrow I will be going to hubby's best friend's house to spend the day with that family as hubby will be working at the Center most of the day & well into the night. I'll get some TLC there & assistance there for sure. So that is a "look forward to" thing. Kids will be having fun too and are looking forward to the visit.Thanks for all of your support. BQ[This message has been edited by BQ (edited 09-28-2001).]


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

You can't imagine what is has been like for me. I've had so many stressors for so long, so intense, that you would just assume I'm spending everyday, all day, on the throne. Well I'm not. Right now, my IBS seems like the only thing I can manage. Mike, there are no words to express the gratitude I have. I simply just couldn't be the wife or Mom I need to be right now, without you. Hubby is laying eyes, hands & heart on these families while he is at the center. Our hearts are attached. He has been off for a few days. I can see the effect this has had on him. This is surely a devastation of so many hearts & souls. I know what he is doing is beyond "good". The price is high, so very high. We will survive this & be better for this challenge. But keep the thoughts & good stuff coming our way. I don't know how long the center will be open or how many grief stricken folks will be ahead of him. The nature of this beast, his "business", is that it will be worse before it gets better. The other day I heard Rudy say that people like hubby are just as much heroes as the fire fighters digging at ground zero, if not more so, because of the emotional toll.Send tokens here........ BQ[This message has been edited by BQ (edited 10-06-2001).]


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## celticlady (Aug 6, 2001)

BQ-just read this post,you are a very strong,strong woman,from what I have read!!!It is ok to cry,I would be a lot more worried if you DIDNT cry after all you and your family have been thru-.Wishing you and your family strength and hope-Beth p.s. hugs to all esp your kids


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## cookies4marilyn (Jun 30, 2000)

Hang in there BQ, I think the fact that you are able to come to the BB and type out some of your innermost feelings and apprehensions, and have a few responses is somewhat therapeutic in itself. Not that it is the answer, but it is at least, something you are mentally and contstructively doing to help you through this. You know where your Source of Strength is, and you know that as a spouse, you are enabling your hubby to minister to others, and that is your contribution: to allow him to do what he does....VERY important...you are vital to him in keeping the house and home fires going for his stability as well as yours. So never underestimate your value and your strength in all this. One day you will look back on it, and be amazed at what you are doing; even with the tears, the anxiety, and the stress you feel; you are still surviving, you are functioning, and you are viable. Never forget that, BQ. And, as always, everyone here supports you and sends you and yours our very best in thought and prayer.... Do take care, hon. Still sending you some (((HUGS)))...God be with you, my friend.







~ Marilyn


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