# Suicide and "IBS"



## karoe

A few months ago, lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling thinking about how much time I spend doing this, not being able to do anything except endure the pain, I actually thought of killing myself. Has anyone else felt this way? It surprised me, as I am, despite the challenges of the past nine years of pain, an optimistic, outgoing person.


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## 15341

Oh not just me then, the thought has crossed my mind a couple of times, not seriously but i must admit it does get you down now and again, especially when you actually sit thinking about it or something like that, it is incredibly bloody frustrating


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## 20680

I have thought at times I would be better out of it, but a bigger part of me will not give up, so I guess like everyone else I just keep going.


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## 22943

The thought's crossed my mind, but I think it's related to something else, some other things that have happened to me and the pain of IBS just compounds things.


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## Guest

I'm afraid I've gone further than this, I'm a very lucky girl to be alive - I took a very serious overdose of a cocktail of drugs (including a whole packet of headache tables, my son's migraine tabbies, a packet of anti'd's) but I was lucky cos I was very very physically sick. I spent 6 weeks in a psychiatric ward and now see a psychiatrist as an outpatient, with regular check ups at the GP, I also have a family support worker who has been fabbo too.I think what I'm trying to say, is you shouldn't be having these thoughts - they could lead to more, I'm not sure why you are having them but please, please get some professional help. You really don't want to be some grizzly statistic. I'm really well and happy now (albeit on medication, probably for life, certainly long-term). Nobody needs to feel like this, you really don't have to.Please GET SOME HELP.All the very bestSue


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## 14448

When I was 15 I went on holiday to Spain with my mother, and I had the worst ibs I've ever had- agonizng cramps followed by explosive d attacks every few hours. I was afraid to leave the hotel room. I was too embarassed to tell my mum the details, so she thought I was making a fuss. She cried and accused me of ruining the holiday, we had a big row and she went out on her own. There was a v.high balcony from the hotel room, I remember feeling so trapped and desperate that I fantasized about jumping off it. I still feel guilty about those thoughts I had. I don't think I'd actually have done it, but for a few moments I seriously considered it.


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## 20422

I think about it often, but I only hold on because of the hope for a cure. This has caused so much sadness and loss in my life.


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## 15267

I too have thought about it, but I just think of who will have to explain why mommy is no longer here to my 5 year-old son, then I snap back into reality, good luck and let it be know that you are not alone


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## Guest

i would be lying to everyone here if i told you i have never thought about it. sometimes on almost a daily basis


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## annie7

oh yes, I've thought about suicide too especially after almost 40 years of ibs-c--I'm just exhausted from it all and it's only getting worse. I keep trying different things--all the newest drugs, herbals, probiotics, biofeedback etc etc but nothing helps. but yes, as Stephanie said, I think about how my mom and husband would feel if I ever did commit suicide--they never understand and it would probably kill my mom--so of course I won't do it. but ibs has changed my attitude toward death. I'm not afraid of it anymore. instead I see it as a relief of suffering.


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## overitnow

At my lowest point I was working at home in the morning, had a little gas pain and c**pped (again) in my robe. I remember being on the edge of tears at that point, thinking that this was going to be my reality for the rest of my life--and at 53, that was beginning to seem both fairly short and unsustainable. As it turned out, for me, that day marked the beginning of the end of my IBS. I cannot speak to C or A; but if you have D (with or without) severe pain, there are a number of treatments worth trying before you end this. It is also important to know that you must work your way through each of them until you find something really, really effective before consigning all of this to the junkheap. And if I have not heard from you re the flavonoids I take, then you really haven't "tried everything." It would be a stupid waste if anyone did themselves in without trying hypno, Caltrate, Ibsocol, Questran, etc etc. It may not be fair that we have this; but it would simply compound the pain to kill yourself. (If you have children, I can guarantee that they would spend the rest of their lives examining themselves for the "suicide gene;" and your action would give them permission to follow you anytime their roads got difficult.)Those of us on the other side of IBS cannot guarantee that what we use will fix you up; but in every case, we were at some level of despair when we found what would work. I wish there was a magic pill; but since this seems to be an effect with multiple causes, your quality of life may well depend upon your openness to multiple alternative treatments.Don't give up. (Please.)Mark


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## 17014

I have IBS for 6 years. Suicide is the next step for me. Realy. I have IBS pain 24/7 and not one day with relief. There is not even enough space for a job or girlfriend.


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## 20556

Thought of it? Hell, yes! Would I actually try it? NEVER!First of all, my BIGGEST problem with IBS-D is the fear of having an "accident" in my pants somewhere public and to be seen . I can deal with the pain, etc. But the embarrassment of that is so scary to me!So, let's say it does happen. I'm going to permanently leave my hubby, dad, kids, and grandkids because I soiled my drawers in Walmart? I don't think so!


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## 14366

i have thought about it but would not seriously consider it. i could never do that to my family. it would be too selfish of me. it's mostly when i am at home alone while everyone is out having a life and finding love. i can handle the pain but not the embarassment of an accident. i will admit though that if i were to get into an accident tomorrow and die, that i would be okay with that ... sad but true


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## 14416

Sarmiento, are you there? I'm here to talk if you need me! Don't give up the fight. It's 4:00 a.m. and I've been up all night with diarrhea and pain, but I still have hope that one day I'll beat this...I have that same hope for you and everyone else on this board.


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## 22161

I also feel like this and would probably drive my car off the road as i often consider if it wasn't for my family and boyf. As Ava says, if i was to die tomorrow i also wouldn't care, i am so tired of the effort it takes to live, the effort it takes to step outside the door everyday, the sadness of missing out on everything my friends are doing, the feeling of worthlessness at having a rubbish job that you hate but have to keep because anybody else would sack you. When it comes down to it, A) i haven't got the guts







i couldn't do that to my parents. I just plod on in the hope that tomorrow will be the turning point. Hang in there and maybe a cure will come to us all soon xxx


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## karoe

I'm happy to see so many folks have at least had a passing thought about suicide. As the years go on and you constantly try the next new thing with no (or marginal) relief, you get very WEARY. I have some limited hope now as I've been diagnosed with chronic sinusitus. If I can clear that up, at least the headaches will go away. I have no family...how can I get into a relationship with my guts the way they are??????


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## 21485

> quote:Originally posted by karoe:I'm happy to see so many folks have at least had a passing thought about suicide. As the years go on and you constantly try the next new thing with no (or marginal) relief, you get very WEARY. I have some limited hope now as I've been diagnosed with chronic sinusitus. If I can clear that up, at least the headaches will go away. I have no family...how can I get into a relationship with my guts the way they are??????


I used to think the same way... 7 years in a psych ward, funny guts, self harm scars all over my arms, agoraphobia, depression, moody as hel!!! How could anyone ever love me??... well, I am now engaged, moved from UK to NZ, been together with a lovely guy for 4 years. If I can do it anyone can!!! Love seems to find us when we least expect it. Never give up hope.







Elly


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## 18906

You know I entertain these types of thoughts on a daily basis. I cry sometimes and think about how I may go about it. It's tough as hell no doubt. I've been fighting it 10 years. I think of my family as well. I've had a couple of family members commit suicide within the last few years. I've seen what it has done to their friends and family including myself. I will not do it. I can't help but think about it though. I think it's a natural response to enduring something like this. I'm trying to learn how to cope with the help of a therapist. It's kind of like the AA slogan "One day at a time". Please take care and understand we are all in this together.


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## 23524

Sometimes I do get very frustrated with my inability to control my bowels. There are times when I think that maybe I pissed off God somehow, but then I spend time with a family member or a close friend and the feeling goes away. I personally would never go through with suicide because then I would never be able to see my little brother grow up and it would also hurt my family and friends greatly.


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## masterplan

I'm starting to think that this is my time. I have a girlfriend and I love her more than anything, but I'm only holding her back. She's desperate to go on holiday. I feel like upsetting her for a while would be better than putting her through this for however many years. My mum's living overseas now and my dad's emigrating in the next few months. Yes, it'll hurt them. But how will it really affect them? Right now I can't travel anyway, so it's not like me not going to see them will make any difference. I haven't lived with either parent for nearly 3 years now. They've got used to me not being around. I've pretty much disappeared from my friends' lives already.The thought of going back to Uni makes me ill. Not just a feeling, it makes me physically need to go to the toilet. Calcium works to an extent, but it can't help when I really, really need it to. If I can't go back to Uni I don't know what I can do. Uni is what, 12 hours a week? If I can't do that I certainly can't hold down a job. I want to get a good job, something I deserve. My natural skill is people management. I just want my chance to do prove it. And until I got IBS I thought I held my destiny in my hands. It's always felt like the only way I can lose it is to drop it, which I've done plenty of times along the way. But not any more. It feels like it's been taken out of my hands at gunpoint. Something cowardly has taken it from me and given me no chance of resistance. IBS doesn't give you a chance. I know it's awful, but I almost wish I had something more serious. Life threatening, even. Just anything that I know could be cured in time and that I could move on from. Something that you can fight and fight until you win. I'd accept putting my life on hold. But right now my life isn't on hold, it's gone. It slammed the ****ing phone down on me.So basically my life is pointless. I want to get my degree, get a decent job and make my girlfriend happy. I can't see a way that I can achieve any of these goals. And believe me, I've already lowered my expectations from my life. Those are the absolute minimum that I need to achieve to make my life seem worthwhile to me. I just don't know how many more times I can wake up, go to the toilet 3 or 4 times and spend the rest of the day either on the sofa or worrying about where the nearest toilet is.


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## 23524

Hang in there, a couple months ago I couldn't even be within 10 feet of my family without them walking away. Now I know I smell like feces but at least I can be within a foot of my family. I'm happy about this because if I can't even be close to my family then that's pretty pathetic. Right now I'm very cautious around people I don't know because I've been laughed at too many times to count by strangers. So I pretty much spend time with my close friends and family. Masterplan have you tried vsl or pb8. Both of these have drastically reduced the severity of the leaky gas. I still smell like feces but at least I can spend time with my family without them running away.


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## 23524

Masterplan, I see where you're coming from when you say you wish you had something that is medically proven to be a disease and is understood. Sometimes I feel if I had something like cancer people would be more understanding and I wouldn't be laughed at any more. I know its not good to think that way but sometimes I can't help it.


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## masterplan

I don't care, most of the people in my life do understand. What I want is to know that I can be cured. I can't be cured and I can't live my life with IBS. Leads me to a pretty simple conclusion.Where are you getting "leaky gas" from? I don't even have that.


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## Kathleen M.

Most people with IBS find treatments that work for them to the point they can live life and still have IBS.I'm close to cured. I take no medications on any sort of regular basis. I might take a couple of Peppermint Altoids 2-4 times a year. I eat what I want. I have no pain.I may not be 100% cured but my IBS is so minimal compared to when I thought I would die from the pain and couldn't figure out how to live the rest of my life like that it is a miracle.If you just give up you will never know how good your life can be.Many many people with horrible diseases that make IBS even at its worst look like a cake walk find a way to live full and joyous lives. Right now it sounds like depression is doing all your thinking, and that isn't healthy. You need to get treatment for the depression and the IBS.Keep givingMike's Tapes a try, it takes time. I did CBT which has similar clinical results to hypnosis. www.ibshypnosis.com also has a list of practioners that trained at my clinic. I would recommend also getting treatment for the depression as well as the IBS. In the clinical study I did the CBT for it wasn't as effective for those who were depressed, you need to treat both IMO.K.


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## Guest

People should not talk lightly about killing themselves - please, no, no, no. I've spent time in a psychiatrict unit because I tried to do just that - if you are talking like that, I'm sorry, I don't care how bad your IBS is - that is not normal - you have depression and you need to get some help. It is relatively easy - if rather a long haul to treat depression. Once you are no longer depressed, you will not think like that.I'm not going to insult anyone by saying things like "there are people far, far worse off than yourselves" - ooops, I've just said it - but honestly, Kathleen is so right.Please, don't let IBS rule your life like that and get some help.Sue


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## 14849

We've all thought about it. Instead of killing myself I just keep hoping I die.


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## Nick65

> quote:I used to think the same way... 7 years in a psych ward, funny guts, self harm scars all over my arms, agoraphobia, depression, moody as hel!!! How could anyone ever love me??... well, I am now engaged, moved from UK to NZ, been together with a lovely guy for 4 years. If I can do it anyone can!!! Love seems to find us when we least expect it.


That's the reason I can cope with all my various disabilities - Because I know there are people who have been worse off than me and who are still worse off than me.I have thought about it - But I would miss cuddles with my wife and kids - Being able to go out on those rare occassions and even if it's just a minutes walk from where I live.My kids know Daddy is quite ill and is always having ops etc - But it doesn't mean they don't love me or want me to go away. My wife is so understanding and would be devastated if I committed Hari Kari.Can you imagine if someone you loved had decided to end it all - Wouldn't you be left feeling useless for not being able to have helped them


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## Guest

Well said Nick - I've been reading your other postings and had no idea you have so many problems with your health. All respect to you, cos you come across as a really positive, upbeat sort of bloke.Yes, I totally echo these sentiments NOW - months' after trying to do away with it all, I still get ripples of guilt about what would have happened to my 3 wonderful kids and husband, let alone loads of family and friends who have stood by me through thick and thin.You take careSue


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## 20358

I was suicidal and attempted it. But it was from my depression and not my IBS.


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## Guest

How are you doing now Leesbabe? I did the same thing in March of this year but am now really well though I take 30mg of Mitrazapene dailySue


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## Nick65

Hi SueWell I have been pulled out of the depths of suicide by my wife and kids - Firstly when I was told after 25 ops they would be amputating my left leg from the knee downwards as they could no longer help me (This was 10 years ago and I still have it) Unfortunately the legs are beginning to go and a wheelchair is starting to loom in the distance (I am looking forward to it, as it means I can stop stressing about trying to get out and about and getting knackered doing it).Then I had another 10 ops to rebuild, remove bits and just generally P1SS about with the leg (It's a technical saying







and IBS hit me soon after they told me about the amputation - Well SH1T happens!!! So, even though they told me that if I was careful with my legs they would last another 3 years or so, I was not - I played Football, Badminton, Squash and everything you could imagine because I could. And I did not want to be sitting down in years to come thinking why didn't I do that then???I have had my severe ups and downs, but I have levelled out now, and even though I am expecting the next 5 years to be very rough, with another 7 ops or so and the expected depression that comes with it. I know I can cope with it now, and I am going to carry on working. I have contacted a newspaper to get Disabled Sports Clubs to contact me about what is going on in the local area and I intend to carry on - But it isn't going to be easy and I just hope that I can be a good enough Husband, lover and Dad to my Sue and Kids. I couldn't imagine commiting Suicide anymore, as I just could not imagine my wife and kids sitting round the Xmas tree, mourning my loss, and me having destroyed them as well as myself.I have to be stronger than that, and I know I will be - For better or worse, in sickness and in health.


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## Guest

Nick - sounds like you are far, far more than an average dad and husband - absolutely power to you kiddo.No, I can't imagine suicide now, though I shake when I think about how very, very close I was (luckily I was very sick after I took a cocktail of tablets). I'm not a particularly religious bod but genuinely believe that the fella with the big white beard was looking out for us all that day in March.I wish you all the best for the future and I think its a brill and very positive idea to contact a Disabled Sports club.Stay in touch via this board won't you, you are a real voice of reason here.Sue


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## Nick65

Hi SueWhen I compare myself to my Sister who died on December 22nd last year - She was riddled with Cancer, and once it hit her liver she was stuffed. She knew inside her that she was dying and so decided to travel Australia (Where she lived) with her husband for a year !!!She came home to Sidney in October and the doctors told her what was going on and she said she knew - She was admitted to hospital about 4 days before she died, and she died with my brother in law, 2 sisters and my brother around her. Now that to me is suffering and I sometimes feel I am lucky as I don't have cancer or MS like my other sister does.5 years ago I would have just thought something else, but now I have been through the worst and come out the other end I know what to expect and what the signs are - Chances are things will happen again, but I know what to avoid etc.We are all strong but some of us do not know it yet


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## Nick65

> quote: I sometimes feel I am lucky as I don't have cancer or MS like my other sister does.


I ALWAYS feel lucky (Not sometimes)







Bit of a boo boo there


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## Guest

Oh god bless - well said Nick.Yeah, MS is not a picnic is it. A really close mate of mine has it, though she is still reasonably mobile. She gets really really tired and can't do things like take the kids swimming and owt like that. Yet, when I was ill with severe depression at the beginning of the year, it was this friend that came to see me, at least 3 times a week, always with a mag, or a bunch of flowers or summat else to cheer life in the loony bin.You sound like a bloke who has a handle on things - I think if you have had a tough time, that old maxim "what doesn't break you, strengthens you" does ring true. I'm certainly a tougher and hopefully more positive soul since I've been back in the "real world".All the bestKeep in touchSue


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## Nick65

Well I think a big hats off to you to Sue - It's not been easy by all accounts and you are still here making other people happy and you do have a point to your life - After all you are here talking and that helps people like me.Good luck to youCheersNick


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## Guest

Cheers matey - well I tell ya - when you've been depressed and you aren't anymore - god life is bloody marvellous (hark at me, sounding like Polyanna)!!Sue


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## 15271

I feel like it all the time..An at the most yesterday I was at work an couldnt make it to the restroom I work in a large warehouse driving a lift truck "ForkLift" I was driving as fast as I could to the restroom I couldnt hold it no more an went right there all over myself I dont want to have to go back to work now an face my fellow works now...


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## 22161

I posted on this thread back in August when i was at my lowest. I couldn't see an end to my depression and just wanted out. In the three months since, i've had a turning point in life and something changed within me and i managed to pluck up the courage to go to an interview for a new job. Since that day, my life has changed. I now have a full time job that for two weks have managed to attend without a bad day (touch wood!!). It's given me the confidence to be able to do things that i wouldn't normally do. I still have bad days, like today, my bellies playing up but i just wanted to say hang on in there because you never know what might happen tomorrow xxxx


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## Guest

Good for you Jessimaca - thats wonderful news - thats the trouble though - when you are in the pits - you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel - but yours is a real story of hope!!Sue


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## 22161

> quote:Originally posted by Liverbird:Good for you Jessimaca - thats wonderful news - thats the trouble though - when you are in the pits - you cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel - but yours is a real story of hope!!Sue


Thanks liverbird, thats why i posted on here again because when i was at my lowest, i really couldn't see a way out of it. I know there's lots of things written like "hang on in there", "you never know what the future might hold" and "it's not as bad as you think". I had my fill of those while i was low but i wanted to let people know that you really DON'T know what tomorrow brings. I really do hope that everyone on this thread finds the help they need xxxxxx


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## Guest

Absolutely agree 100% - people kept saying to me when I was in hospital "tiny baby steps" - and you really have to be nice to yourself don't you and take life one day, even one hour at a time and things do improve. I'll be back at my proper job in January 07, have been all over Europe this summer, am going to NY at Christmas and generally now enjoying just being a mum and wife - so its good to know there are plenty of "success stories" at beating horrible, horrible mental illness!!!!Sue


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## twonK

> quote:Originally posted by jessimaca:...if i was to die tomorrow i also wouldn't care...


after a bad few days that's pretty much how I feel. Not suicidal per se but it would be a relief. After a good few days, I can't believe I was thinking so negatively just a few days prior to that and I feel guilty for being so selfish. Good work fella







It's amazing how insidious the Gut <---> Mind connection can be when it is disturbed and off track. Negative thoughts cause abdominal distress, this distress and pain cause further negative thoughts and off you go down a truly horrible road.


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## MyOwnSavior

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## Twocups424

awwwwwwww, Myownsavior, I understand completely. I have wished to dead 1000's of times. Thought of committing suicide but was afraid of botching it up and living in and even worse state than I do now. Daily I am switching meds etc. to find a place where my butt doesn't ache Like I just had a baby from there!!!!!!!!!!!! I have children and that is the only thing that saves me. even though my kids are older 24,20,12 I wouldn't want to make them suffer or not be there to point them in a good direction when they reach certain times of life. It sure does seem like Sadamm should have a good case of IBS-d , Or Ted Bundy , or Charles mansion HUH???????????? But this life is ruled by sin and we don't always get justice here. That's why I live for another world. Where Sin and suffering and pain will be abolished and people like Sadam will get there just Dues. I think there is a God and he will dole out justice someday.


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## 22633

Thought about it plenty of times, even before IBS, but I doubt I would ever actually go through with it. Far too permanent for my liking, which is what has always stopped me from trying...I think missing out on a potentially better future just because I decided to give up too soon would be a damn shame.These days, I am usually pretty chipper (except on those reeeaaal bad IBS days), as long as I don't give myself too much time to think (yay for working overtime, hehe). In a way, the IBS has made me more determined to keep going, and brought out a fighting spirit in me that I thought was lost forever. That said, I could do without it nonetheless.


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## 21198

Glad to hear you didn go thru with it ,please dont think that way again,about 3 milion people in the usa has IBs and live with it daily,I know it can be a pain in the butt(bad pun)to go potty in pain every 2-3 4- days ,if it gets extra painful on some days use a suppository or an enema ,that will help it come out softer for sure .Also try to remember a lot of others are going thru the same problem sitting on the toilet straining to go too. If anyone had a reason to kill them self I did growing up with ibs in the late 60s,when the doc diagnosed me with mega-colon,impacted stool in my rectum ,and borderline divert...,in those days there was no internet /research/alternative therapies around at the time, so the doc told my mom I had to get Fleet Mineral Oil enemas once a week to clear up my problem.So every Monday morning I stayed home from high school and had to take a humliating enema from my mom (dad left us years ago),which made me want ot die every Monday and it lasted until I was 19 years old.But it was eitrher that or Id be in the hospital !


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## twonK

> quote:Originally posted by MyOwnSavior:Unfortunately, I tend to get philosophical about things like this.


In my experience, that's usually a mistake. I've never once come out of deep reflection on life, pain, fairness, justice, living&dying and once felt better. Therefore I try not to do it. Also, every form of therapy I've tried (CBT, CAT, REBT and most recently ACT) dissuades you from thinking deeply about these issues _for exactly_ this reason. You sound like you'd benefit from some cognitive work. Again personally, I only found ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) of use - the others simply drove me deeper into the mire. I can flow you info on ACT if you are interested.


> quote:The only reason I haven't is because I don't want to hurt my parents, basically.


Yes, that's why I didn't do it too. I think it's a fairly popular reason not to do it amongst depressed folk. Frankly, the reason is unimportant - not going through with it is.Take it easy,Pete


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## 15636

i have actually gone as far as attempted suicide and still contimplate it everyday but i agree i dont want to hurt my parents main reason to stay alive peace.


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## MyOwnSavior

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## MyOwnSavior

> quote:Originally posted by twonK:In my experience, that's usually a mistake. I've never once come out of deep reflection on life, pain, fairness, justice, living&dying and once felt better. Therefore I try not to do it. Also, every form of therapy I've tried (CBT, CAT, REBT and most recently ACT) dissuades you from thinking deeply about these issues _for exactly_ this reason. You sound like you'd benefit from some cognitive work. Again personally, I only found ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy) of use - the others simply drove me deeper into the mire. I can flow you info on ACT if you are interested.


Well, I'm currently going through CBT. Like yourself, I don't really think I'm getting much out of it. Naturally, I'm not going to start any other type of therapy until I'm done with CBT; and probably not until I get out and on my own (this is my last semester until I get a "real job") so I don't stick my parents with the bill for yet another therapy session. Still, I would appreciate some information on ACT for future reference. Thanks a lot!


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## 16885

for me IBS has been a good learning experience. i am now more understanding about other peoples health problems and more conscious about my own health.


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## twonK

> quote:Originally posted by MyOwnSavior:Still, I would appreciate some information on ACT for future reference. Thanks a lot!


OK the first port of call would be http://www.contextualpsychology.org/forum where you can read some posts about ACT. I personally don't frequent these boards for various reasons but you'll glean some info for free there.A better (but not free) source of info is the book "Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change (Paperback)" for the technically inclined or "Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life: The New Acceptance and Commitment Therapy" for a more "end-user" viewpoint. Both really reveal what ACT is all about and how to help yourself.If you have yet more cash, you could try and find an ACT therapist. There are some out there but nowhere near as many as CBT therapists.HTH,pete


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## Cherrie

buttstains - PLEASE DON'T DO IT! i am SO sorry to read your post, but PLEASE don't do it -- after seeing your post i've been trying so hard to find another thread quite some time ago (haven't found it yet, but i'll still be trying and will post as soon as i see it). In that thread there were posts about this and particularly there's one that said that there ARE many, many other treatments that one may NOT yet be aware of! And through trial and error (yes, i know it is a very very painful process), many people HAVE found ways to better their quality of life and live reasonably well with IBS, even people with severe symptoms! There's so many different meds, cognitive behavioral therapy, hypnotherapy, etc., etc., and PLEASE don't give up easily! Even if your family/relatives/friends/doctors/the immediate world around you are all ignorant and selfish, you still have us on the BB -- i know we're just cyber people and are no substitute for your physical world in many ways, but there ARE so so many people here who care and you're not alone in this. So, PLEASE take a good look around this BB/webstie and make sure to take advantge of all the info and resources here and explore all medical and alternative possibilities! There is still hope and don't give up!


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## 20224

I have thought about it many a time. And one of those days, I will get myself to finally do it. The sad thing is that I don't have it half as bad as some of you. What I don't understand is how most of have gf/bf or are married. I have totally given up on the opposite sex because of the IBS. Just recently, I had to watch the girl of my dreams (whom btw, was madly in love with me and until today wonders why I won't give her the time of day) get engaged (and not with me). I know, "if she didn't understand your situation, she probably was not worth it". You know what, *I* wouldn't undertand it. And the truth is I am not so depressed. I am very practical about the whole thing. I have nothing to live for. In my childhood, I was abused, beaten, and raped (there you have it! that's why I have IBS - still doesn't help me..). I hardly talk to any of my family (except for my psyco/sucidal mom whom btw I support financially because no one else will). I don't date and will never marry. And I don't even care; all I want is to be healthy, to be able to travel, and eat, and have a good time. As for God... looks like I failed his test - I don't know if I believe in him anymore.


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## Car

It's so sad to read that so many of you are feeling this low. I've had this for 12 years now and mine too is daily and painful. It has taken much of my life away and changed my plans and goals. But I've always been of the opinion that any life is better than none at all and although it's a struggle I can have a normal enough life. I would echo Sue in saying that no one should ever seriously consider doing this and if you are please get help first either from a professional or from someone on here. Sometimes a bit of friendly encouragement can work wonders. All the best


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## 13561

you know, ibs really sucks and im not gonna lie...ive thought about suicide a couple of times. Its frustrating to live your life in agony every day. but life is a challenge in itself...there are people who are healthy, but they have other problems...i always try to find worse problems than my own...that keeps me going through the day. if any of you want to talk, please shoot me an email and ill be there for you.


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## Guest

Well I've tried to (commit suicide) and I would NOT warmly recommend it - as somebody said - its far too permanent - I look back to almost exactly a year ago - when I was sitting in a car throwing tablets and booze down my throat (its frankly a miracle that I'm here to tell the tale) and shudder - all the things I would have missed; another year of my precious childrens' lives, a wonderful "once in a lifetime" trip at Christmas to New York, training as a volunteer and taking school kids around our 18th Century cotton mill, a wonderful sun-drenched week in Cephalonia, a trip to see my sis and my 2 nephews in Ireland - I could go on and on - if you are talking or even thinking about suicide - frankly - you need to get some professional help - nobody deserves or needs to feel like that.Sue


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## 23163

Thinking about it all the time. Actually in the past year, I only thought about it a few times, but now that the FDA pulled out the Zelnorm I really don't see what else I can do. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that they will put it back on the market soon. And of course the people who are close to me....


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## Guest

Please - if you are thinking such thoughts - go and get some HELP. I attempted suicide last March and praise the fella with the big, white beard every day - if you are even fleetingly thinking such thoughts - please GET HELP. There are loads of good treatments available - you really do not have to live like this.Sue


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## Haunted

Yes I have thought about it quite a lot actually. A lot less now than I did a while ago. There was a story on TV tonight about teenage suicide due to the recent events in my country. My Mum said to me "You would never do anything like that would you? You're too precious." I just smiled and said "Maybe." I really don't know what I meant by that







But it has become very obvious to me that my parents have no idea of how much I'm suffering with this. My Mum does have some idea because she knows I have IBS and GERD and she asks me how I'm feeling quite often. My Dad however, has no idea that I have anything wrong with me. I'm not gain to tell him, because he's one of those people that would say "It's all in your head." He thinks I have no problems, which annoys, angers and upsets me to a degree that I cannot describe with words. Come to think of it, I've been having suicidal thoughts since 5th grade. I remember sitting in my room crying for no reason and just thinking about killing myself







I remember feeling a lot of guilt about other things when I was younger too. My GP recommended that I see a psychologist at my last appointment (I only told him that I have anxiety problems) but I don't think my Mum wants to take me to see one. I have enough on my plate without IBS and GERD. I feel that I'm starting to fall behind at school even though my last report card was very good and I'm usually an A student. My good grades are hanging by a thread. I'm too distracted by my IBS to focus on my studies. These are supposed to be the best years of my life, but that's not at all how I feel about everything right now.


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## Guest

Why on earth are they stopping your medication? Sorry, I'm a Brit - but is this an antidepressant you are talking about??? If you are feeling this low - you need some proper daytoday support - this is unbelievable. I would urge you to go back - find another doctor if necessary and get some sympathetic, professional help. You really do NOT need to be feeling like this - there are always ways - I know, I really do. You need to be very assertive with whatever health-care professional you are working with and say to them "look, I'm often feeling suicidal" - frankly then it would be rank irresponsibility not to take you seriously.I wish you well - please stay in touch via the board.Sue


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## 21782

Anyone out there considering suicide as a "cure" for IBS needs to reconsider the reasoning behind that decision. I have been a sufferer of IBS-D since I can remember. I have also been a sufferer of depression, anxiety and panic disorder for just as long. Please understand that the afflictions are seperate problems with a "mysterious" connection. The jury is still out on that connection. If you are suicidal, please consult with a counselor and consider treatment for the depression and anxiety problem. Depression coupled with anxiety/panic disorder are a VERY DANGEROUS COMBINATION! YOU NEED HELP NOW! I have been where you are. I am here only because Zoloft saved my life at a time when I was at the end of my rope. Yes, I still deal with IBS, but I am on the road to controlling the depression and anxiety. I am living proof that this is the first step toward an answer to this problem. Zoloft may not be the right choice for you, but you need to see a counselor to begin the process of finding relief that works for you concerning the psychological problems you have. Once you get this problem under control, then you can address the IBS problem in a reasonable fashion. My suggestion to you is to make an appointment with a mental health professional as soon as the office opens tomorrow. Please heed my advice!Go now and do not hesitate!EL


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## Guest

Well said - it really does stop me in my tracks the thought that I could so easily have not been here for so many wonderful things that have happened since 13th March 2006!!! I've said it loads of times before - I'm on anti-depressants, I'm over-weight but I'm well, working part-time, and being a half-way decent human being and I can honestly say I've never been happier - so for heaven's sake - if you are feeling suicidal get some help NOW.Sue


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## Haunted

SueV said:


> Why on earth are they stopping your medication? Sorry, I'm a Brit - but is this an antidepressant you are talking about??? If you are feeling this low - you need some proper daytoday support - this is unbelievable. I would urge you to go back - find another doctor if necessary and get some sympathetic, professional help. You really do NOT need to be feeling like this - there are always ways - I know, I really do. You need to be very assertive with whatever health-care professional you are working with and say to them "look, I'm often feeling suicidal" - frankly then it would be rank irresponsibility not to take you seriously.I wish you well - please stay in touch via the board.Sue


Sorry Sue are you talking to me?







I couldn't tell because I'm not currently taking any antidepressants. Well, I am taking St. John's Wort, but that's OTC. The only actual medication I stopped taking was Somac (for my GERD) because that was giving me bad side-effects.


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## Guest

Sorry Haunted - no - that wasn't very well put was it - no to Congasbloty (eeeh - hope thats spelt right) - who seem to have been "pulled off" her meds - but being a Brit I wasn't clear whether they were anti-depressants or summat else - so just trying to clear that up.Sue


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## 14486

Why on earth are they stopping your medication? Sorry, I'm a Brit - but is this an antidepressant you are talking about??? If you are feeling this low - you need some proper daytoday support - this is unbelievable. I would urge you to go back - find another doctor if necessary and get some sympathetic, professional help. You really do NOT need to be feeling like this - there are always ways - I know, I really do. You need to be very assertive with whatever health-care professional you are working with and say to them "look, I'm often feeling suicidal" - frankly then it would be rank irresponsibility not to take you seriously.I wish you well - please stay in touch via the board.SueI'd love to know how to get day to day support from a professional without being admitted to the hospital for a fourth time. These past 2 1/2 years have been awful for me with anxiety and IBS. The past couple weeks I've had some adjustments in meds and have had even worse abdominal pain so bad I can't eat (lost 8 pounds in 1 week), anxiety attacks which are very physical, and just inability to do anything physical at all because of shortness of breath and dizziness. I repeatedly call my psychiatrist and also go to therapy. They just expect me to put up with this stuff. Almost like they're just ignoring me. I have a family - a husband and two small children who have seen and experienced things along with me that no one should have to experience, expecially not small children. How do I get the help I need fast, and on a day to day basis? It's become a nightmare and I too frequently consider once again attempting suicide. Then I think of how my children and husband were the last time I tried (took a whole bottle of pills and they had to drive me to the ER and watch me throw them up and then my kids were without me for 2 weeks). My life is indeed a horrible nightmare. I keep wishing I would just wake up and it would be all over but it never happens.


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## Guest

I can't give you a glib answer to that one hun - I can say I've been there too - and I have 3 kids and a hubby - my little one was 6 when I attempted suicide last March. I spent 6 long, grizzly weeks in a psychiatric unit - so yes, I know what they are like too. Frankly, if you are contemplating suicide all the time - then maybe that where you should be too right now - sounds harsh but yes, I've been on suicide watch too - I hated, hated, hated it but I know now it saved my life and gave my anti-depressants time to kick in - I had to try 2 others before the one I'm on now started, very slowly working. It is a long, hard and grim slog but when I think now of what I'd have missed - I know it sounds dead corny -but KEEP the FAITH - things will get better but its a case of finding the right treatment and sticking with it - tiny baby steps - thats what my shrink told me.Keep in touchSue


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## 14486

Sue,Today is actually a much better day, thank God. I started my hypnotherapy CD's last night. When I finished listening to the first session I could not fall asleep. All of a sudden I got it in my mind that today was going to be the day when I made a full force effort to get my life back. I called both my psychiatrist and therapist and got them to agree to see me every week starting next week. This is absolutely ridiculous that this has gone on this long when it's something like IBS and anxiety. You would think someone would be making more of an effort to keep me from suffering. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am so sorry that you had to go through that long of a stay in the hospital. My daughter was 5 and my son was 8 last June when I attempted suicide. I was in for two weeks and that seemed like forever. My daughter probably won't remember much, but my son is a pretty smart cookie. He will remember it and I hope it won't hurt him too bad. I'm glad you are feeling better now. It gives me some hope. Thanks again!


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## Guest

Well power to your elbow mlr - you sound like you are doing summat really positive and I applaud you for that. Sorry, wasn't meant to be a sob story - just to let you know - I really do know where you are coming from. We'll all get there in the end - sounds like you are already climbing that mountain.Sue xxxxx


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## 14486

I really thought I had my mind up that I was going to get someone. Felt better for a day or so and then started just feeling really horrible again. Yesterday and today I just am so irritated by everything, so sick I can't lift my head up, very depressed and don't have any fight left in me. I'm going to my psychiatrist on Thursday to get my meds adjusted, but between the IBS and the way I feel from these meds I can't wait 4 more days. I told my husband I want him to take me to the ER tonight. I would take myself but I tried driving my car today and couldn't even do that. Something is really wrong and I wish everyone would stop ignoring me and just telling me to live with it like they do with everything else. I have no one to talk to and I'm so angry I just want to hurt myself or someone. I can't take care of the house, my kids, or our lawn care business. Everytime I try to do something I feel like I'm going to pass out. Why am I supposed to deal with this?


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## jms1963

mrl -Hope you're feeling a bit better today. I left you a PM with my #. Give a call if you want ...Jodie in Reinholds


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## Guest

Why are you supposed to deal with this - you're not, well not alone at any road - you must go and beat down your doctor's door and insist that somebody takes your seriously - you really shouldn't have to live like this - I really wish you well.Sue


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## 14486

Thanks Sue. Going to the psychiatrist tomorrow and I still don't know what my GI doctor has planned next.


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## Guest

Good - sorry mlr - you must think I'm a right owld hag - its just I empathise SO much - having been there myself - I was lucky in that eventually somebody took me seriously - though it did take, frankly, a suicide attempt for summat to happen - NOT the only route to getting some help of course - but it is terrible that people hang on by a thread for so long.I was you pet - I'd take a list of questions and things that you want to discuss with him/her - its often easy to get browbeaten or intimidated when faced with the medical profession - that way - you've got summat to structure your interview with haven't you.I'm sorry - I'm not sure whether you are on any medication or not - this is such a busy forum - and I talk to so many folk - can't remember - but that might be something you want to consider - there are of course many other treatments too.I wish you all the best for tomorrow - be sure to let us know how you get on - I'm rooting for you kid!!!Sue


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## dreday

Suicide is all I am thinkign abotu tonight, not gona lie. Evrything is just getting worse. The onlyt hing that keep sme going is the fact that I am too damn scared to do it. I cant take pills for my menta state because my parents want me to try a drug-free treatment. Its gonna waste them more money, and leave me more depressed at being let down. Biofeedback cant take away IBS caused by th e most random things that I cant even predict anymore.


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## 14486

Dreday,I can relate to you big time. Know that you are not alone. If I can't help myself I would at least be happy to help you. I tried to commit suicide last summer - with pills - and I would never do it again even though I think about it every day. No matter how angry you are about the way things are going, and I'm sure you're angry with your doctors AND YOUR FAMILY, because I know I am too, a suicide attempt will just change their lives and yours for the worse. Then as well as the IBS pain and depression you will feel the guilt and the flashbacks to the attempt and it will make things a lot worse trust me. I've been there. I have 2 little kids. I don't know if you've read any of my posts but my husband and kids had to take me to the hospital and watch me throw up the pills I took and wait 2 weeks for me to come back home. I really hate doctors right now, even the one who said the quote I'm going to share with you after my suicide attempt. He said to me," Your kids would much rather have a sick mom than a dead mom." As much as it is so hard not to be self absorbed during this seemingly never ending time of crisis, you have to think about how it's affecting other people too. If it seems like they don't care, talk to us here on the forum. I don't know you yet, but I already do care. Hang in there!


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## 14486

Sue and JMS,I just wanted to let you guys know how I made out yesterday at the psychiatrist. I went in there with my husband knowing that I would become frustrated and humiliated once again. I almost got up and walked out in the middle of the appointment because my doctors appear to be throwing in the towel. They have given up on medicines to try to help my anxiety and anxiety related pain, including but absolutely not limited to IBS (I also have back pain and headaches every day). My psychiatrist says there's nothing else he can do for me but try a "drug holiday" for 6 weeks. Then we can more clearly see what symptoms are left. He also said to me that he's talked to my GI doctor and he agrees that there should be no more tests done (even though someone on the forum suggested 2 more GI tests that I haven't had done that could give some more insight). I agreed to try life weaning off the meds and going without them for this time period. This is the first day of weaning off them and I'm already miserable. The other thing the psychiatrist suggested is that maybe I go to another psychiatrist somewhere that specializes in anxiety/IBS/anxiety related pain. I tried going to a more specialized GI doctor at Temple University, where they are supposed to have the best, but it got me nowhere. I'm not sure what to do now. Back in November I started smoking cigarrettes again after not smoking for a long time because of stress, and although I'm definitely not a heavy smoker, 2 or 3 cigs a day, I'm not happy with myself for doing it. It's just one more mountain I have to climb to get off them. My husband did not seem upset with this doctor, but right now I have such strong angry feelings toward him because of how he thinks I am not doing everything in my power to try to make myself better. How can he say that when every day for 2 1/2 years I have spent hours trying to figure out ways to make myself better? Any thoughts? Suggestions? -Michelle


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## Guest

Oh hun - I'm so sorry you are having such a wretched time - frankly (speaking as a fellow sufferer not in any way as an expert) - I cannot see how getting you off anxiety medication is going to help to be honest - how many medications have you tried - I'm only saying cos it took 3 tries to get me onto something that suited - it sounds like this fellow is incompetent and frankly totally unempathetic - and thats hopeless isn't it - I wish there was more I could suggest I really do - all I would say - is OK give no meds a try - perhaps for 4/6 weeks but if you are beginning to feel unwell then you have to go back and get him to try summat else - that is what psychiatry is all about - us patients are "difficult" - thats part of the reason we are ill in the first place for god's sake.Can't really say owt else - except a big cyber-hugs here from Manchester.Sue xxxxx


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## 14486

I've been tried on almost every medicine there is out there for depression and anxiety (dozens!). The problem is that when I first started having problems a couple of years ago I didn't give a lot of these meds a chance to work in my system. Only about a year ago did I start doing this, and since then I have only tried a few but have stayed on them for months at a time. Today I'm doing some research on trying to find a psychiatrist that specializes in anxiety due to ibs and pain management. This is my 3rd psychiatrist in 2 years, and maybe I just haven't found the right one yet. I do not object to being off meds. Personally I would love to be off meds and feel good. But if you feel worse, what's the point? Thanks for the support. I'll keep you updated.


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## Guest

Its an exhausting battle sometimes isn't it mrl - well I wish you well in your search, I really do.Yeah, please do keep in touch.Sue xxx


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## Connor_uk

I know how miserable IBS can be, the isolation, humiliation and the terrible pain and lethargy but for gods sake people, there are worse things in life! people lose limbs and lead entire lives dependant on wheelchairs, crutches and the support of others, people that will NEVER lead a rich and full life! ANY IBS sufferer has the potential to lead a full life, Although there is no definable cure for IBS MOST symptoms can be eased with dietry changes, exercise therapy and meds. I resisted the changes i needed to make and have spent the last ten years in denial of the fact i have IBS. Now my partner is having our first child i feel more determined than ever to confront this thing and do whatever is nessecary to control it and prevent it from effecting me anymore, im recording it in my blog as an extra bit of self motivation and encourage anyone to do the same. Also it is quite worrying how many seem to think the answer lies in a pill, there is a small percentage of people that require a pharmacutical remedy but the vast majority could benefit from therapy, and relaxation techniques theres no quick fixes when it comes to the human psyche!


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## isdapous

All: I probably had suicidal thoughts many many years ago when I was battling cancer twice in less than 2 years, but I had a baby and a 4 year old to think of, so fought the fight and won.My post here is to tell all of you who are considering suicide to think of those around you first. My husband's mother and both brother's committed suicide and I cannot explain how devastated the rest of the family was.His last brother took his life with a gun to the head, and we found him. It was horrifying as well as so wasteful. We spent several thousand dollars cleaning up the house as well as several thousand more burying him, all the while wondering what happened. Dennis did have several mental problems, but had been doing so well for quite a while.We found all manners of survival supplies in his home, so could not figure it out. There was no note, nothing to indicate he was contemplating suicide until we started finding Bibles all over with passages highlighted regarding death. Then we started going through his mail and found all kinds of material from cults having to do with death. He never asked us for help, just left us with a huge mess without a backward glance. I'll never forget the funeral arrangements, as I had to make the decision to bury him in a cardboard casket as we didn't have the funds for a proper wooden or metal one. My heart was breaking at the indignity of it. My husband was the only member left from a family of 5 at the age of 43. Can you begin to imagine the pain he has gone through after each of these suicides????? I can tell you he suffers a severe neurological disease and has himself had suicidal thoughts, but always tells me he would not do to me what his Mom and Brothers did to him. It has been 5 years since Dennis and 15 since his Mom set herself on fire, but the heartache is still there, along with the horror of it all.So get the help you need to conquer the depression and find your life again so that your families can share their love with you in person, not as a painful memory!


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## Guest

What a tough battle you have had and what courage to share this with us - and an inspiration for anyone desperate enough to think the unthinkable - thank you.Sue


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## 14486

Connor, thank you for the motivation. I do think about that a lot but sometimes I just need someone to remind me!Isdapous, you have been through a lot and I admire you. Your testimony I'm sure is making us all think a little harder at ways to just try to make the best of things. It's hard to accept it when you have so much pain, but I guess the two years I've been suffering with the anxiety, depression, IBS pain, side effects of meds, and what seems now like a pointless suicide attempt has been just as hard on my family as on me and in no way can 2 years of this compare to so many others who are worse off.Thanks both of you!


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## postmortem

Connor_uk said:


> I know how miserable IBS can be, the isolation, humiliation and the terrible pain and lethargy but for gods sake people, there are worse things in life! people lose limbs and lead entire lives dependant on wheelchairs, crutches and the support of others, people that will NEVER lead a rich and full life! ANY IBS sufferer has the potential to lead a full life, Although there is no definable cure for IBS MOST symptoms can be eased with dietry changes, exercise therapy and meds. I resisted the changes i needed to make and have spent the last ten years in denial of the fact i have IBS. Now my partner is having our first child i feel more determined than ever to confront this thing and do whatever is nessecary to control it and prevent it from effecting me anymore, im recording it in my blog as an extra bit of self motivation and encourage anyone to do the same. Also it is quite worrying how many seem to think the answer lies in a pill, there is a small percentage of people that require a pharmacutical remedy but the vast majority could benefit from therapy, and relaxation techniques theres no quick fixes when it comes to the human psyche!


full life?that's a joke. i'm living life to the max bringing making my parents devastated. our money is down the drain, my father has cancer, my mom has to work, and i don't even have a future anymore. oh right and the constant arguing. all my friends are gone and im stuck home clutching my stomach. to me people like us, with ibs are as good as people without limbs except other people cant see anything physically wrong with us and undermine our problems. we need support just as much as those who can't literally stand on their own feet. ibs feels like you're dying every day over and over again but yet you never really die. so everyday you die again, little daggers stabbing your stomach from the inside out or like somebody's pounding on your intestines like a little drum.


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## Guest

In fairness - I think Connor was trying to help.You sound as if life is very very tough for you - and that sucks. You are not alone though - most of us here on these boards have had life pretty much full of s**t at some point or another.People here are very supportive if you will let them be.Sue


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## postmortem

i know im not alone. with ibs life goes downhill or just worse if it was bad to begin with. that's why i don't get the fulll life part. yeah connor was trying to help but the optimism that we can have full life bugs me because it sure as heck doesn't seem possible from where im standing.just bitter. sorry.


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## Guest

Oh listen - absolutely fair enough - I'm very fortunate (in the IBS respect) - my symptoms are very mild - so I can only imagine how horrendous and limiting it can be but I've battled my "demons" in other areas (depression!!!) - so I can also relate to feeling totally and utterly at a loss as to where to go now. I wish I could wave a magic wand for you hun - but it might be worth exploring the other forums to see whats on offer. Have you not got a sympathetic doctor that you can discuss options with - perhaps you need to find one (not easy I'm sure).I wish you well, I really do. Sorry was not meaning to lecture you for a moment.Yeah, you are right - life can be a right owld bummer can't it.Sue xxx


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## Dandaman

ive thought about it plenty but i wouldnt be able to do it. that would just put my brothers and sisters through too much i wouldnt want them turning out like those people you see in movies that lose a sibling due to suicide, or if you actually do know people that have had it happen to them it affects them greatly. i just feel like my life is going no where fast and i feel like i have no control.


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## MyOwnSavior

Never mind.


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## Guest

Sorry - you've lost me - Never Mind what?????Sue


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## MyOwnSavior

SueV said:


> Sorry - you've lost me - Never Mind what?????Sue


Oh, it was just something I posted that I later realized was rather irrelevant to the topic at hand...Sorry for the delayed reply.


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## Haunted

Sometimes it feels like my friends and family are trying as hard as possible to push me to suicide.I try my best to convince myself that I'm just imagining things...


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## Guest

Haunted - I'm sure thats the LAST thing they are doing - they would be horrified to think you are thinking such things. You posted on another thread (sorry - these last 2 days been hectic - so didn't get a chance to respond there) that you don't have much of a relationship with your dad - I'm so sorry - but seem, I think to be close to your mum - you need to be very frank about these feelings with her - I know - having kids of my own - how devastated I'd be if I thought one of them was thinking these things. You need some support from a professional too - I'm not sure if there is a sympathetic bod at school/college (forgive me - I've forgotten how old you are) or your family doctor (but again, I don't think you were having much luck with him/her).You are having a rough time - and you don't deserve it - I wish there was more I could do - but please don't bottle up these feelings - or they can fester and grow out of control - I know - I really do.Sue xxxx


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## ShyMissy

I have thought about suicide from a very young age and i tried to od on some tablets when I was 18, I saw it as a way out and I thought it was the only option I had. I have been in pain pretty much since the age of 2. Emotional pain and craved that someone in this world would love me one day and give me a better life and treat me good and I could feel safe. But I never got that love until i was 22. I was sexually abused by 16 people from the age of 2 until i was 22 and my mum was an alco and my dad had another family and I got tortured and saw violence so I just wanted to end all the pain and suffering. I now have a bf and I love him and he loves me and he is very supportive. I am going to see a psychologist. I will have to see a psychiatrist to get a full medical report done and then I am getting legal advice and taking these bad ppl on and doing something about it and AT LEAST FIGHTING BACK for everything that was taken away from me and damaged me deep inside. That will give me closure.


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## Guest

ShyMissy - I would like to say what an amazing woman you are and what a heartwarming story.I applaud your very brave decision to try and take action against those that obviously hurt you so badly in the past - but please, tread carefully - any legal action of this nature is bound to be very traumatic (and possibly costly - I'm a solicitor working for a Charity here in the UK, so know a little about this line of action) - so make sure you have the support of your wonderful boyfriend at all times.God blessSue xxxx


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## ShyMissy

Hello SueV,Thank you for your encouragement it has been very hard for me to deal with this.Also just to let you know I have a lot of support. I have my bf, I have a psychiatrist & psychologist (that lookafter me at home, they are my bf's dad and his gf), I also have my own psychologist and also have a support person as well. I also have my families support, support from a lot of freind and I have now found this site. I will try and find a site for PTSD but its very difficult to find one. The doctors think my pain is psychosomatic (all in my head cause of the trauma), but the pain is so real I can barely walk sometimes. Also I am going public with this, to make people aware. I am aware that going public will be very hard but I have so much strength in me that I know I can do it. I have to help other people come forward. It feels to me as though all my life this was my purpose to help people and try help people. My aim for going for compensation is to get finacial help for rehabilitation to make people aware instead of ignoring it and to help people. I have medical reports of weird things i did when I was 6 like rip out my hair because that year I was attacked sexually by 5 people and raped by 1. I have on my medical record of how i used to throw up a lot due to stess, I have a teacher who knew me in that time so they could be a witness I have a lot of people that can describe my behaviour and also will be able to give me statements. I have all the offenders documented in my psychology session. I am also going to go to the police to see if they can see how many call outs they had to come to my place so i can get specific dates when things happened. I should have a good case. I have a few tests to get done and I also have to see a psychiatrist for a full medical report. I hope it all works out, I really need it to or basically my life is over. I need so much to get closure and for people to recognise my pain and suffering since the age of 2. It hurts so much, I am also writing a book. Oh recently I got a video camera so I am going to record myself when I have very bad pain, so I can prove to people how real my pain is.SueV thank you for your reply. I am scared and scared people will reject me. So thank you very much SueV, jannybitt, & cherrie for making me feel welcome.


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## Guest

You are absolutely welcome my love. I think its a testament to your incredible strength of character that you have survived all of this and thank goodness you have found a lovely fella who understands.You keep in touch - I'll keep you in my thoughts.God blessSue xxxxx


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## Girl

Haunted said:


> Sometimes it feels like my friends and family are trying as hard as possible to push me to suicide.I try my best to convince myself that I'm just imagining things...


In my case it's does happen.Sometimes I can't hold myself and say "Oh, wish I had normal life" Cuz I really want to have a normal life again, but my family can't or Don't want to understand this simple line.My mom said to me more then 5 times during this last 2 months as I can remember: "You know where you can go, to the pathological place" The pathological place is where the body taken after death.Then I was so nervous I said" Yes, maybe it will be better for me there".I know that at the moment I was just so angry, angry of me, angry that afer 9 years I am still going in the same situation and it has worst, angry that my sister telling me that *I am actually love to be in the situation I am.* I can't understand how on earth she can think that I enjoy being so miserable.I told them, that I will never give up, and a new thing I started to make is to send them to talk with the doc, maybe this is how they will be able to understand the hell I am going.They don't want to hear about the doc or my "stupid" illness.Other encouraging line from my mom: What you do all day?Just eating and sleeping??Me: It's not true! This that I want my diet to be healty it's not mean that I am eating all day, I just try *MABYE* to make my stomach more good. Or she said "You don't make anything to make your situation better"I stopped the conversation and went away. I don't want to waste energy and make my stomach worst from being angry. I am going do a new Gi docs soon, I can't right now going to work, in the past I could so now when I don't have incomes, other can treat you like to a garbage, this is the way I see it.If I had someone to support me, which a thing my family don't do, maybe I could managed any of the suffer du Ibs.We won't give up until we will be healty again, this thing I am sure of.The life without Ibs is waiting for us somewhere..Be strong all and just health.


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## Girl

postmortem said:


> full life?that's a joke. i'm living life to the max bringing making my parents devastated. our money is down the drain, my father has cancer, my mom has to work, and i don't even have a future anymore. oh right and the constant arguing. all my friends are gone and im stuck home clutching my stomach. to me people like us, with ibs are as good as people without limbs except other people cant see anything physically wrong with us and undermine our problems. we need support just as much as those who can't literally stand on their own feet. ibs feels like you're dying every day over and over again but yet you never really die. so everyday you die again, little daggers stabbing your stomach from the inside out or like somebody's pounding on your intestines like a little drum.


Postmortem, I identify a lot with what you say "ibs feels like you're dying every day over and over again but yet you never really die".I couldn't say it better..I know there are diseases more worst, but a person who has Ibs, what about his soul?Heck, wish other people could understand it, that our soul is broken inside.I am feeling mentally a lot of time almost broken, this magic circle that won't stop it can break the person. But we are strong.. other people won't never understand how is to go through mentally torture everyday and knowing that tomorrow it will happen again.I need to go tomorrow for a place, and how not.. I am worried to be on the bus.And not just to be on the bus is about everything in life.. I forgot what is not to be in isolation.Just health


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## Guest

Oh god love you - it isn't only IBS thats a hidden illness postmortem - try chronic depression too - "well you look OK to me" - yeah right and you feel like your whole soul has been vacuumed up - I remember almost feeling like I was sitting outside myself watching somebody else inside my body - if that doesn't make me sound like a total crackpot - well actually I was very, very sick.I don't have any pat answers for you - but surely somewhere in this round world - you can find somebody who can help you medically - you surely don't need to feel this bad.Sue xxxx


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## shimo

karoe said:


> A few months ago, lying on the couch staring up at the ceiling thinking about how much time I spend doing this, not being able to do anything except endure the pain, I actually thought of killing myself. Has anyone else felt this way? It surprised me, as I am, despite the challenges of the past nine years of pain, an optimistic, outgoing person.


The same happened to me today, Karoe. I am a very optimistic guy, and even with IBS i guess i'm pretty successful in life.However that won't block our instincts, emotions or reactions, like despair.I thought about suicide as well, and always feared a public accident. I would probably do it due to the social stigma, as also developed Agoraphobia due to IBS. Not extreme but it's there for sure.When i get like that I usually pick up my car keys and drive it for a while (never do this on busy hours) or if i don't feel like going out i just take 2 painkillers. They won't heal your IBS but they will block sensitivity for a while. Try it.Best of luck to you Karoe, and before doing something like that remember that we are not alone in this fight. We are MILLIONS. Probably just as much as the gay/lesbian community Did you ever thought about that? Eventually with the pressure we all put on doctors, a solution will become available.Try to forget about IBS (i know this isn't 100% possible), and go out for a movie by yourself. Sometimes being with other people will make it worse because of the embarassment. If you're alone you can go to the loo as many times as needed and no one is going to judge you. When you come back home, you'll have 1 victory against IBS. As part of my own IBS therapy (no one knows my nervous system better then me, so I always skipped a doctor for my anxiety attacks etc for now), I try to put myself actually into those kinds of situations, but always planning a way out just in case. This helped me on a few of the "triggers".


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## Benwx

So many similar thoughts to mine. I often think about suicide during bad flare ups, it all gets too much sometimes. Moreso when the condition was at its worst its gotten to me the most (about 3-4 yrs ago). It is extremely frustating and I often beg for just one pain free day.. they do come, generally on holidays, but oh so rarely. As soon as the pain vanishes the thoughts are gone. I have thought about it, but would never do it.. but I reckon after 5-6 more years of this when I have achieved my goals I wouldnt be surprised if I drove into a tornado or something.. but we'll assess it then! Hope is probably what most of us live on. But yes.. I have similar views, I used to be terrified of death.. but just the thought of having no feeling, no thoughts and no pain, and being at rest is very soothing, and it no longer scares me. But in saying that, please hold on people!! You never know when a cure could come, or if your IBS will magically dissapear or be helped majorly with treatment!


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## Guest

Being a Failed Suicide - if I can put it like that - I can absolutely and categorically state - trying to end it all - is anything, anything but peaceful - for yourself, your poor wretched family and those good souls who are at the "coal-face" so to speak around failed and successful suicide attempts - the ambulancemen, the police, the doctors and paramedics back at base who do their best to put damaged souls back together again.Its never, ever an option - but it took me a bottle of scotch, 2 packets of paracetamol, a pack of St John's Wort, and a whole packet of anti-depressants to realise that. I'm a very very lucky girl to be alive and be given a 2nd chance - so you'll forgive me, I hope, if I'm abit Evangelical about this.Sue


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## augustine

Hi everyone, being new on here i have to say reading some of your stories brought tears to my eyes, as that was me a few years ago. i got diagnosed with IBS 9 years ago and at the time i have a very successful career, but then it all went down hill and gosh it was fast.My ibs is the diarrhea predominant type, so toilet is my closest friend, and then i got to the panic attacks when ever i was due to leave the house incase i needed to go and could not find a toilet and maybe soiled myself.My doctor prescribed diazapam to calmed me down but i became so dependant on them i was taking up to 5 or more a day, till one night i just sat at home like i did all the time because going out was just far too stressful, and i took the lot lucky for me a friend called around knowing i was not myself that day at work they decided to pop over to cheer me up, when there was no answer (they knew i would not of gone out) they broke in and called an ambulance, well i obviously did not die but ouch it damn well hurt.i found so many people were upset that i realised what a selfish little baggage i was. I imediately stopped taking the tranquilers.Yes i do still suffer really bad pain and my life evolves around where the nearest toilets is, i can drive anymore, and can only get a lift with people who know about the condition and can stop the car at a moments notice if i and feeling queasy or the other end.I am not able to work as getting there on time was always an issue as i may need the toilet up to 10 times before i leave the house in the morning.I am now at college, they know about the IBS and are ggreat on my getting there when i can, it serouisly takes the stress out of the situationLike all of you i hope each day the news will come that there is a cure but until then i make sure one thing each day is a hapy event even if it is just my dog or cat doing something.I now have to do a 20 page report for college on a topic of choice so yes you guessed i am going to talk about living with IBS, hopefully out of the 30 people in my class i will educated a couple of them, so if any of you could contribute how IBS has affected your lives and small or big detail would be a great help.My email address is [email protected] and please put IBS report in the heading.REMEMBER IBS IS PAINFUL AND CRIPPLING AND DRAINS YOU OF LIFE, BUT ONLY YOU CAN BE SELFISH ENOUGHT TO TAKE YOUR LIFE, INS CANT DO THAT.Big Hugs to all of you how are notfeeling good today


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## momochan

I know this feeling. I know it all too much.I want to share with you something I wrote on my blackberry during an IBS attack a couple of weeks ago:_Another night. Another event missed because of my IBS. A few days ago I was in a restaurant with a friend and after months with no symptoms, I felt it. The cramp. I ran to the bathroom, went a little and it was relatively normal. On the way home there it was again, feeling awkward and disappointed in myself AGAIN, I took my friend home and then headed back to my house, crying in pain all the way. Got home, went again, a lot more this time and didn't leave the house AGAIN for fear I'd be trapped somewhere without a bathroom. Since that day a week ago, every day has been full of going 1-6 times a day, little bits at a time with a LOT of pain and canceled plans. Tonight at a midnight movie premiere, felt fine.. Then went to the bathroom to pee and was shocked by a...em explosive surprise. So here I am again, home. I cried with my boyfriend driving me all the way home. I feel like a failure. Why would my boyfriend ever want a girl who he can't go out with and that has a constant case of the sh*ts? So here I am again, talking to you guys, laying in the tub typing on my blackberry and feeling helpless while my boyfriend is on the computer instead of out with me._I still feel this way. And I feel like if something were ever to happen with my boyfriend and I, I could never find another person to be with me. Who would want me? Honestly?


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## overitnow

momochan,I know pretty much how you feel. I was fortunate to be married over much of the length of my IBS; but I was still very near giving up on myself, just from the frustration of all of it. I was fortunate to stumble on a supplement to control my cholesterol and one of it's "side effects" seems to be to treat intestinal inflammation. The last 10 years have been very good indeed. Don't give up on yourself. Please.Mark


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## MyOwnSavior

momochan said:


> I still feel this way. And I feel like if something were ever to happen with my boyfriend and I, I could never find another person to be with me. Who would want me? Honestly?


Well, to be honest, at least you have a boyfriend.Seriously, it seems all the guys on here with IBS don't have girlfriends or any other significant other to lean on. While it seems most of the girls are in relationships. So, be glad that you at least have that. Because trust me, you could be like the rest of us (guys) who know 100% for sure that we _are_ going to be alone forever, because women simply don't want anything to do with guys with IBS. I could sit here and speculate why, but it's not really worth it, because of course every woman has a different reason why she would reject a guy with IBS. So, lest I be accused of making this thread "all about me" and my issues, I just want to get back to you and say that you should be grateful for what you have, and that you shouldn't worry too much about guys not accepting you (should you ever break up with your boyfriend, of course), because it seems there are always guys out there willing to date a girl with IBS. Seriously, time after time on this board I've read stories about women with IBS, and it seems that in almost every case there's a guy there supporting them. So, clearly, guys are willing to stick it out. Hopefully that makes you feel a little better at least.-My Own Savior


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## Guest

Look for heaven's sake STOP BEING DEFINED BY BLOODY IBS - yeah OK - its part and parcel of you but surely to god you have other aspects of yourself than a dodgey gut. I'm a chronic depressive - I'm also quite fun, work part-time, have a stunningly loyal and fantastic hubby, have 3 wonderful kids (one off to uni in the autumn) a madly gay dog, I like eating (unfortunately), drinking, socialising, hill walking, loud Irish music, pubs, Canada and hill-walking. Who on god's green earth knows when that special somebody is going to come along - but I can promise you a defeatist attitude like that is going to put anyone off.Try and be a half-glass rather than a half-empty sort of bod.Sue


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## MyOwnSavior

SueV said:


> [...] have a stunningly loyal and fantastic hubby, [...]


That's exactly my point. I mean, congratulations on being attracted to men, but unfortunately that's not the way my orientation is. But seriously, what you're saying sounds pretty arrogant coming from someone who has stated that they have a "very mild" case of IBS. You may understand "depression" (having a breakdown, or whatever you want to call it) but clearly you fail to understand the effect that severe IBS has on those of us that suffer with it.


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## Guest

Oh for God's Sake - GROW UP - do you think just because you have IBS - you have a remit on feeling shite - try having depression and no - I didn't have a fit of the vapours and lie down in a swoon luv - I had 6 weeks in a psychiatric unit, having a torch shone into my face every 15 minutes whilst on suicide watch - I wasn't allowed a bath in private and couldn't shave my armpits or legs without supervision from a psychiatric nurse - with all due respect - IBS - walk in the park compared to that I'd say. I know plenty folk on here who live pretty compromised lives because of IBS but they get on with humour and style.Personally - I'm not mithered whether you are attracted to men, women or teapots - but you need to shake yourself down and stop being so full of self-pity - its a deeply unattractive quality to anyone - oh and boring too. Sue


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## ZPE

@Sue: I always hear you talk about being in a psycho unit for 6 weeks but you announce it like a footie fan who's got their team's emblem tattooed on their arm. XDI really feel sorry for some of these people, I have a strong faith in religion and that's prevented me from carrying out any suicide attempts. Yes, I have the thoughts, always but these are mere whispers and I try my utmost to get rid of them. One of the ways is to see how others have overcome it as well as occupying myself with other things namely video games and football coaching (anyone play DS games on WiFi? ).However I get "no love" from people in my lives except for a few close members of my family. Outside of that, no one is understanding but do I care? No. Everyone has problems and it's ultimately up to you to get yourself out of them (yeah I that stole that off Sue).


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## MyOwnSavior

SueV said:


> Oh for God's Sake - GROW UP - do you think just because you have IBS - you have a remit on feeling shite - try having depression and no - I didn't have a fit of the vapours and lie down in a swoon luv - I had 6 weeks in a psychiatric unit, having a torch shone into my face every 15 minutes whilst on suicide watch - I wasn't allowed a bath in private and couldn't shave my armpits or legs without supervision from a psychiatric nurse - with all due respect - IBS - walk in the park compared to that I'd say. I know plenty folk on here who live pretty compromised lives because of IBS but they get on with humour and style.Personally - I'm not mithered whether you are attracted to men, women or teapots - but you need to shake yourself down and stop being so full of self-pity - its a deeply unattractive quality to anyone - oh and boring too. Sue


Right, _I_ need to grow up. This coming from someone who couldn't even handle life with a "part time job"... try having to support yourself for a while, eh? I mean, for God's sake, you think you have the right to act like your "depression" was the most horrible thing ever to overcome a person. Hey, life is empty and meaningless. Get over it. It's not something to go off the deep end about - evidently you felt differently, though. At least you're not doubled over in severe gut wrenching pain every day of your life. I'm thinking not too many people want to be around someone like that, no matter _what_ attitude they have. Because, of course, IBS makes it hard to go _anywhere_. Sorry, but those of us with IBS can't just flitter around until our feelings get hurt; no, it's a constant physical battle _each and every day_. So get off your moral high horse and acknowledge that no, you didn't go through the worst thing ever. Just because _you_ got through your psychotic fit doesn't mean that everyone is equally as prepared to deal with their problems - many of which (do I have to keep repeating this point? Evidently I do) are worse than yours.


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