# husband not adjusting



## gaeda (Oct 22, 2003)

Hi, Have read some helpful stuff on here, and posted a few times, but now need some input if you have any. I have been doing everything I'm supposed to, excercising 5x a week, every-other-day walk or do nautilous, sleep, rest, but have been in a pretty bad FM flare for the last 4 weeks. This is the longest it's been bad since my diagnosis last fall. Well, I thought I was managing pretty well, but when I act like it hurts, my husband gets agravated. He says he's not but he is, picking at me, not affectionate, etc. I have decided that I will just act fine, no more wincing when I open a door or getting out of a chair, just tough it out, because I am not losing my marriage after all this time, but I am a little resentful that I will have to hide my feelings and not ask for help. Just venting, maybe, but any advice?Thanks in advance.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

It sounds like maybe you need to have a very open discussion about both of your feelings surrounding your illness.My gut tells me that your husband isn't aggrevated with you, but is aggrevated at the situation. I feel like he is probably frustrated you are hurting so much, and that there's nothing he can do to help.I say that because Mr. M and I have had MANY many misunderstandings that all stem from a misinterpretation of someone's conduct. It's nothing that some good communication can't solve.Before giving any further advice, I would urge you to sit down with Hubby, and try to pinpoint the ACTUAL problem. I hope this is helpful, at least a little. I bet the others will come up with good (ie, better) advice.







Keep posting here, and keep us updated on your situation!


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## unblissfull (Mar 21, 2003)

When I was 1st dx with FM I gave my hubby all the info I could find that was straight forward on my conditions. I had a mild stroke, thyroiditis, FM, IBS, diveritiulits, depression and others I don't remember, short term memory loss is another one. I highlighted all the info that was "me" and explained how I felt on good and bad days. I went over everything the dr told me with him so he could completely understand what was happening to me and what he could expect on my bad days and how he could help me through those days. Now when he comes home on a bad day and sees me in pain I don't even have to tell him it's a bad day, he knows what to do and he understands without asking what's wrong. Men feel lost if they don't know how to help you when your not feeling good, they lack the "mom dr" gene, and this makes them very frustrated. So their anger is really frustration at not knowing what to do. You have to tell them. (I read "Men are from Mars..." Good book and so true) They also like to have the facts and this website is the best for getting that. So gather your facts, list the things he can do to help on bad days (like holding you and let you cry with your frustration and pain) and sit him down and have a long TALK about it. You'll cry and he might too but in the end you just might get closer and he will have the answers to the questions "what can I do to help?" Anyway this is how I approached it and I've been married 30 yrs. Just a suggestion.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

That's very true MrsBliss. Men definitely need to have things spelled out for them, sometimes you even have to spell it out a dozen times, for them to actually "get" it. When you don't show them what they need to do, they just start coming up with their own ideas (which, in my experience, aren't usually very good - ROFL).Good advice. Obviously comes from experience


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## gaeda (Oct 22, 2003)

Thanks for the advice. I think he has most of the information, just doesn't want it to be true.H can't stand to see me in pain & wishes he could fix it, but he can't so he doesn't want to know about it. When he is sick (rarely)he just ignores it, and once ran a 1/2 marathon with what turned out to be a broken bone in his leg, so he hasn't got much patience with feeling lousy most of the time!I am trying to ignore it while taking care of myself, that is the best I can do.Thanks!


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## unblissfull (Mar 21, 2003)

WOW! Sorry to hear that. I hope things work out for you. With everything I have to deal with I don't know how I would get through anything with my hubbies help.


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Gaeda, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but I agree with the others. You need to have a serious talk with your husband.I don't think that hiding your feelings about how you feel is another thing you have to worry about. How I explained it to my husband was that I will have good days and bad days and on the bad days, I will not want to do much and will need lots of rest and will need his help. On the good days he will notice the difference. I told him that I'm not asking him to fix anything for me, since he can't, but to help me along this journey. I've had fm for 18 yrs although not officially diagosed till 1992. He has seen me through ups and downs and still worries about me. I tell him not to worry and that I will be okay. Just need some quiet time. I hope you are able to work things out with your husband.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

I agree. I don't think you can just try to ignore this problem. If you do, it's only going to fester and the resentment will grow between you both.A really good communication session would be so helpful for the both of you, instead of just hoping it will go away. (I'm sure you know, it never DOES go away)I have found that the longer I deal with these illnesses, my symptoms, and my feelings about my illnesses continue to change. That means Mr. M and I have to continue to make adjustments, and continue to communicate openly and honestly. Please keep us posted


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## gaeda (Oct 22, 2003)

Hi,Thanks for your support and input. On the one hand, I do feel better since I stopped acting so tired & achy....my husband said at one point that "if you are going to feel this bad, you're not going to be able to work or travel or anything!" and I thought, do I really feel THAT bad? so I started thinking about how I move & what I say when people say "how are you", and thought, I really don't feel so bad that I cannot work or travel or be close to my husband. So I started trying to act more like I feel, which is tired & achy but happy & interested in life & wanting to do things, and my body began to go along with my attitude....I am not faking, just finding that acting sick was making me feel sick; acting as if I was at least OK ( and I really am at least OK) helps me feel more healthy. I don't mean that this is all in our heads, or mind over matter, just that, right now, this is working better for me than slumping around was working. I think maybe I wanted people to know that I was having a hard time, but I've found that people feeling sorry & worried is not very helpful, that perceiving myself as strong & being perceived that way is more helpful to me.....and I got support here, too, which was very healing.Thank you all again.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

I'm glad you have found a way to help balance the physical pain with the mental adjustments. It really is like walking a tight rope. Please keep us posted!


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Gaeda,How are things going these days with you and the hubby?


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## gaeda (Oct 22, 2003)

Hi Mrs. Mason,Jus checked & saw your kind note, thanks for asking.We have our ups & downs; second marriage & finished raising 5 kids together who are now grown & close by but we are free of parenting responsibilities in our mid-forties after 21 & 29 years, respectively. We are true friends & partners & have so much fun together, it is very hard for him to have me feel unwell or unable to do the things we love. He is fine as long as I am fine, and for now, that is enough for me.I am no matyr, believe me, just luckier than I expected to be and unwilling to let this damn illness change our life!Thanks again, it helps to have your support.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Gaeda,Just wanted to add that lately especially I have been dealing with a lot of the same issues. I have been in a very bad flare for a few months, and it is being very hard for Mr. M to accept that, and understand it.It's so hard to balance everything out, especially when things change on a regular basis.I'm glad you're doing ok together for now. I think that's all any of us can expect.Keep us posted!


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