# My boyfriend has IBS. What can I do?



## Kay <3 (Apr 9, 2011)

Hi, everyone.So. The BF has IBS-D. It gets really bad when he's stressed, and he's really embarassed about it, which makes him more stressed, which makes it worse...It's a vicious cycle.The gas, the frequent toilet trips, even the occasional accident don't bother me. His comfort is more important to me than being taken out for a night at the clubs or a fancy dinner. This isn't really a post about how I should "cope".But I would like your advice.We've only been at this for a few months, and as I mentioned before, it's a very sensitive issue for him. Which I understand, I mean, it's kind of a thing, isn't it? I probably don't need to tell any of you all about that.What I'm trying to ask is: how does one go about being a good girlfriend to a man with IBS? I feel a bit awkward - I don't know if I should talk about it with him or not. I want to ask him a lot of things, like ... what kind of foods help and hurt? What about backrubs or abdomenal massage to help with the tension and the stress and the pain? I can do that, if he'd like it or thought it would help. It would be nice to know I was making the situation a little better, at least.We're due to take a five-hour drive to the farm to see my family this Easter. Oh, _dear_. The amount that I appreciate him for doing this thing for me is ENORMOUS, because I know the stress of travel combined with being in an unfamiliar place and not having complete control over what he eats is going to mess that poor boy's stomach up. I really want it to be a comfortable experience for him, or at least not a hellish one. He's been so unwilling to talk about the whole thing that I'm scared to ask him what I can do to make it easier on him.I want to take good care of him, but I don't want him to feel infantilized because of his IBS. I want to help, but I don't want to hover. Grah.I just really don't want to suck at this.Guys, maybe you can help by giving some perspective? Girls in a similar situation? Anyone at all with some insight? I'd be really grateful.


----------



## thePIXEL (Nov 10, 2010)

That fact that you're understanding and aren't bothered by it must mean a lot to him. He's very brave going on a 5 hour trip! I don't even dare going on a 2 hr drive to see my family anymore.If he wants to talk listen and be understanding but also understand that he may not want to talk because even though you're alright with it, it's still embarrassing for him.


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Let him know him talking about it won't bother you at all and that you actually have some questions.. and then?? I would just ask your questions and offer your full support. _He may not find it as embarrassing if you are not embarrassed by it._ Let him know that it is just an illness and that is part of him and to be in a relationship with him.. means you are in a relationship with ALL of him..... including his gut!







That is just part of him and it doesn't bother you.Absolutely ask if he is aware of any food triggers, so you (and/or your family) can avoid serving them or asking to go to a restaurant that he simply can't eat at. Let your family know he has a stomach "problem" and obviously is shy about it so can they be a bit sensitive to that.He should be using imodium and an anti-gas product with it to guard against any extra cramping that can happen with imodium sometimes. IF he won't bring it at Easter time.. YOU bring it!He is SO blessed to have you!


----------



## soiledshorts (Feb 12, 2011)

I think you should just give him some space when he needs it, but let him know that there's nothing for him to be embarrassed about. I find its amazing how doing less can actually help someone cope. If you try to bring it up, it'll make him feel uncomfortable and worse


----------



## smiles through it (Apr 6, 2011)

Hiya Kay , firstly im newly diagnosed and one of those guys who was hardly EVER sick and certainly there is a sense of pride (misplaced as it may be) in being the alpha male of the relationship. Its almost primeval in some people including myself that this "hunter gatherer" syndrome actually kicks in. Your the guy as chauvinist as that may be that never gets sick does all the "man" jobs etc etc. It was really a journey of self discovery for me how do i go from being this strong impervious person to actually dealing with something; as you so quite rightly put it, that can infantalize even the biggest of us "alpha males" ?Firstly my wife (ive been married for 2 years) was like yourself absolutely incredible. Having accidents is never something pleasant , medication such as immodium for me was very effective. The sense of "failure" when accidents do happen. The sitting on toilets in the shopping mall for ages wishing things would stop and what the other person must be thinking are all part of the "mind talk".I guess we all deal with it in different ways and you can only do what you can do. My wife was reassuring, "i love you just as much", "this hasnt changed you", "ill always love you" were all phrases that went down well with me. Even when i had to wear protection to alleviate some of the stress involved with travelling , "its just clothing" was something that made me feel like it wasnt a big deal.Im currently on citalopram which is an anti depressant prescribed by the doctor, and although it doesn't really stop the inevitable result, it does cut the edge off the cramping and doesn't in any way inhibit what i do. (there is no "zombie" effect) which is the common fear.As a result of all this i am left feeling reassured, understood and part of a team which will work together to find the best result for what is a pretty nasty little disease.That team being me and my gorgeous wife.I wish you all the best sweetie and its very reassuring to know that there are supportive caring people like you in the world !Regards







through it


----------



## freedomstolen (Apr 3, 2011)

Your guy is blessed to have you! You rock! I'm a guy in a similar situation and I too am blessed to have a girl who is just like you.I sometimes feel so bad about not being able to let her lead a normal life like other girls do such as going to the mall, long trips, movies, etc.I have tried to convince her to leave me and find a better guy but she just won't.The same way I wouldn't in case she had the same problem.I guess that's what love is all about.That's exactly what keeps us going.Coming back to your question, I think its very important for you to let him know to understand him a 100%.You don't have to say it, I'm sure he's already seen that you truly care which is why he's agreed upon the 5 hour trip.I wouldn't take that trip with anybody but someone who really understands what I'm going through rather than someone who might laugh at me in case it flared up or I had to go etc.Rock on!


----------



## Clog (Mar 22, 2011)

In my experience of having IBS, the more I talk about it with my other half, the less embarrassed I become. I do try and avoid the specific terms, and usually have my own way of expressing what's going on. i.e. I don't just come up with "I've got chronic D", it usually begins with "I'm having a bad day with my tummy". That opens it up for him to talk or not talk and ask me questions. Perhaps look for those kind of pointers if he says something?I'm aware it's not a topic people want to hear about, but if you can start off a conversation it will cause him to feel less embarrassed. Let him know how much you appreciate his efforts as well


----------



## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

I think letting him know you really want to find what will help make this easier for him and what will help with stress overall is a good thing. We all need more stress relief. It may not be easy for him to talk about what makes him feel better vs what makes him feel worse, but to provide that kind of support for someone with an illness is really a big gift. It is nice to hear how much you care about him.A big thing for a lot of people with chronic illnesses is for the people around them to just be understanding there are good days and bad days and try not to be upset by someone doing what really makes them happy on a good day when they are up to doing something/anything. Sometimes it is really important to take one's energy when one has it and do something really positive and enjoyable even if that means you don't get some chore you have been putting off because you feel bad done.


----------



## Kay <3 (Apr 9, 2011)

I just want to say thanks to everyone who's commented so far. Your advice has all been really helpful. We have talked a little about it since my first post, especially since he's been feeling especially bad lately. Last night I gave him a really long backrub, and when we were snuggled on the couch after he seemed a lot less anxious--usually he seems really worried about being close to me when his stomach is upset, for the obvious reasons. I asked him if he'd like it if I rubbed his belly for him, too-something we've both been really embarassed about. He was hesitant at first, but it _really_ seemed like it helped, both with the cramps and the tension.


----------



## journ3 (Feb 16, 2009)

Hi, Thank you for asking about this. Your boyfriend is lucky to have you. Even if friends and family do try to be understanding, it is hard on them too, and many people tire of us.You and others might be interested in the articles for family and friends on this website, all of which were written especially for us (a grassroots group of IBSers and family members interested in IBS advocacy and awareness) by a family member of two people with IBS, Dr. Barbara Bradley Bolen, a psychologist and Michael Mahoney, a clinical hypnotherapist, Both Dr. Bolen and Mr Mahoney are well known to many IBSers here and great supporters of IBSers and our loved one. I hope the articles are helpfulhttp://www.ibsimpact.com/FamilyandFriends.htm


----------



## flower44 (Feb 7, 2011)

When I first got IBS I was really embarassed and didn't tell my boyfriend for a few weeks. We have been together 3 yrs now, 2 of which I have had IBS. I am extremely comfortable talking to him and my family about it. One thing I can recommend to help him out for the easter trip..whenever we go to visit my boyfriends family we book a hotel because they only have one toilet and I feel very uncomfortable 'hogging' it and having every one know how long I am spending in the toilet. Also, if we have family visiting us I organise for my boyfriend to take them out of the house for a half hour or so whenever I need to go to the toilet- so it reduces the embarrassment. If your boyfriend has been diagnosed with IBS by a gastroenologist but hasn't gone to a dietician, urge him to! They might recommend the FODMAP diet which I am on and it helps heaps- or if his too embarrassed maybe you could do the research type in Sue Shepherd in google- and just share what you found with him.Hope this helps.


----------

