# I want to kill myself



## Feelingcrappy (May 20, 2018)

Right now im hiding in my bathroom crying after losing control once again. I was out in public today and even went to the movies with dh. But the first hour of a family visit I sat on the stairs close to the bathroom. During movie I was horrified constantly burping, farting and feeling my belly race. No accidents. I don't leave house much and when I do I hate it.
I get home and within 10 minutes it's pure liquid with no warning. I was wearing a cloth pad and that kept it from going everywhere, this time.

I'm so over this. It's been like this for 14 years,it destroyed my mental health, friendships and took away the career I worked so hard for. Husband is supportive but I can't help but to think he does not understand the humiliation and panic this causes. And being a woman who it can affect vaginal health.

I'm 30 years old soon but can't get a handle on this. When I get worked up it's pure liquid. I was born with a unique anal deformity that was surgically corrected at 6 months (I pooed on the or table lol) but my body cannot hold back pure liquid. Can anyone?

I have ordered "period panties" because I try to be as reusable as possible ie. Cloth menstrual products. They will be here soon but that does not help with shame, anxiety nor smell

My husband is giving up so much for me to be a shut in. He's giving up so much because if I could use my nursing degree we would be making a lot of money him being an engineer. We could go places. The last trip we took I had at least 10 accidents and resorted to a bucket. Yes. Bucket In a car. I'm fancy and glamorous. Still had accidents.

I'm done. I'm done holding my husband back, done with causing liquid diarrhea from leaving my home and feeling so gross. I coped with this for 13 years with mutilation, and trying to do nothing in life. I'm 1 year mutilation free but scared of denying my husband all he wants in life and keeping him home. I leave my home 7 out of 10 Times I soil myself unable to even make it if I'm only 3 feet away.

God help me. Why can't someone make a butthole that is programmed to only open when you want it to.

I'm so unhappy and scared. I cant even fully enjoy sex fearful of causing myself a bout of ibs. That's a mood killer there.

I don't know what to do. I cannot even convince myself to see a gastro. Dr because they let me down twice in past


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## Musgos (May 15, 2018)

try Amitriptyline and maybe Mesalamine?

extreme low fodmaps diet?

if its just ibs-d there are so many medications out there..

if it means anything, i am gay and i cant have anal sex, its so irritated back there

you are not alone with this frustrating condition..


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## mba99 (May 20, 2018)

Feelingcrappy said:


> Right now im hiding in my bathroom crying after losing control once again. I was out in public today and even went to the movies with dh. But the first hour of a family visit I sat on the stairs close to the bathroom. During movie I was horrified constantly burping, farting and feeling my belly race. No accidents. I don't leave house much and when I do I hate it.
> I get home and within 10 minutes it's pure liquid with no warning. I was wearing a cloth pad and that kept it from going everywhere, this time.
> 
> I'm so over this. It's been like this for 14 years,it destroyed my mental health, friendships and took away the career I worked so hard for. Husband is supportive but I can't help but to think he does not understand the humiliation and panic this causes. And being a woman who it can affect vaginal health.
> ...


Feel for you. I'm having leaky gut and it's quite embarrassing. Power to you

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk


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## onyx (Jan 13, 2006)

Feelingcrappy said:


> ...It's been like this for 14 years,it destroyed my mental health, friendships and took away the career I worked so hard for. ...


This is exactly my situation, except I've got one year on you, at 15 years w/ IBS-D. I just want you to know you're not alone. There are people, and I am one, who understands absolutely everything you're going through. I don't have much good advice except to say that there is always hope, but keeping this in mind is extremely important. It is possible, as I've seen on this board, that something may help you manage it better. Perhaps only a relatively small improvement may translate into a better quality of life that is most definitely worth living. Take it a day at a time and keep trying. Cry if you have to. Scream if you have to. Destroy your pillows with your fists if you have to. (I have done all these.) But keep trying.


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## Desert Fox (Jul 24, 2017)

Really can't imagine how you live your days


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## APR (Jul 15, 2015)

Musgos said:


> if it means anything, i am gay and i cant have anal sex, its so irritated back there
> 
> you are not alone with this frustrating condition..


I know this has been mentioned in the past, but I would always suggest giving a bidet a try if irritation is an issue. I bought a bidet toilet seat attachment for cheap and it was definitely a good investment. Not only do I feel cleaner, but I can't imagine how sore I would be if I didn't use it. No matter how high quality your toilet paper is, it is eventually like rubbing sandpaper back there.

It doesn't completely eliminate the need for toilet paper, but it greatly reduces it. You can get a toilet seat attachment for a very reasonable price if you are unable or unwilling to spend more for a bidet toilet seat. The most expensive option would be a bidet toilet. I guess if you have the money and are planning on getting a toilet anyway, it would be a good investment, but it's not really necessary. For more money [for either a bidet toilet seat or a bidet toilet] you can get bells and whistles, but I make do with a very basic toilet seat attachment with just connects to the cold water pipe. With a toilet seat attachment that uses just the cold water, you don't even need plumbing tools or skills, and you could easily remove it and put it back the way it was if you are renting and decide to move out.


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## Xmasnoelle26 (May 28, 2018)

My friends and family all love going out to eat and every time we go to a restaurant my anxiety spikes out the roof. It's like no matter what I eat I end up with the worst stomach pain and a severe case of diarhea. I've had times where I just sit there and cry because my stomach hurts so bad! I go to the bathroom so often that sometimes I can finish a roll of toilet paper in one day. I honestly hate mysel and my body


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## Mypeanut (Mar 4, 2019)

I have had ibs-d for 15 yrs maybe more everywhere I go its always in my mind where is the bathroom will I get through this day ? It is horrible I know but I keep going maybe I dont do everything I want but I make myself do somethings. I have changed my diet I eat white rice chicken fish a bland diet and I eat small amounts I also started taking calcium carbonate one pill before I eat I now only take Imodium 3-6 every other day Im doing so much better the bloated feeling the gas the heartburn is pretty much gone thats not to say cured but better. Im even planning a 12 hour drive to visit my son and yes Im already worried 😧 but I have a great husband who is supportive . Please dont think about killing your self hang in there 😘


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## Athan (Oct 8, 2015)

If you went through this forum, you should know that you are not alone in this. A lot of people suffer from IBS-D and are coping with it, the best way they can.

I don't want to offer any wise advice, since I'm also one of them and I've been having it for almost 35 years.

From what you wrote, I see that you have your husband's love and support, which can help you get though it. You really shouldn't loose hope and you should try to fight back, try to find some kind of personalized recipe for relief.

Whether this will be some herbal/traditional/alternative medicine, a diet, or a combination is up to your specific situation.

What the forum taught me is that we should keep searching and that a lot of people do find their own healing process.

So keep on going, keep on trying and know that you are not alone !!


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## comptalk (Sep 17, 2010)

Have you tried four or five pills of Imodium? I know my ex-wife had the occasional IBS-D issue and that helped her control the D. Yea, it caused C, but at least she'd be able to function. There might be a stronger RX that could do that too; just will lesser pills. I'd also try some apple cider vinegar. Works wonders for G.I. issues.

I'd check your diet too. Adding white rice to your lunch and dinner may help absorb the excess water in your stools.


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## Noca (Oct 24, 2015)

Try Doxepin it is the strongest antihistamine ever made(3 times the H1 potency of Amitriptyline) and is VERY constipating, works for 26 hours at a time, give it a try and don't settle for a doctor who restricts you only to baby doses of 10mg when the workable dosing range goes up to 250mg/day. Clearly your case requires drastic measures. I have cut out all fruits and vegetables except white potatoes, still eat meat, rice, pasta, milk products with lactase ezymes and just avoid all fruit, vegetable, and nut fibre. Its restrictive but its better than having nonstop uncontrolled IBS-D. Depending on your state's laws there is always Kratom or Cannabis(specific indica strains work best, just trial and error).

Doctors let patients down, it's simply what they do. Whenever you have any chronic illness with even the least bit of difficulty in treating it, the doctor will often throw up their hands and run for the hills. It is up to you as the patient to come up with treatment options, the doctor is merely there to write prescriptions that you ask for. I know that isn't the way you were told that it works and not the way it should be, but that is simply the reality of the matter. If you want something done right you gotta do it yourself.


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## Macaroni (Jul 7, 2002)

I'll say a prayer for you. Don't give up - they are constantly coming out with new approaches to the problem.

My doctor actually suggested that I get codeine on the black market or by crossing the border.


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## Kylepa (Mar 5, 2011)

Go to Baking Soda + 7.0 PH or kylepa_ibs

Had ibs for over 55 years. Key for me is to drink positive PH water.

Changes your acidic stomach/body from acidic to alkaline! Need to get your body's ph level to 7.0 or above.

No caffeine or greasy foods. Caffeine is your enemy.

Good luck. Works for me


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## mb83 (Feb 18, 2014)

I've had IBS-D for five years now. Haven't had any accidents but more close calls than I can count. Luckily at my job as an admin, I work at the front desk and the bathroom is just outside the door. But there have been so many days that I have wished I could find a job that would allow me to work from home so I wouldn't have to worry. I have several coworkers who know about my issues and are very understanding. I would not be able to do anything at all if it weren't for Imodium. My doctor told me it's fine to use it daily, and most days I do end up taking between 1 and 4 pills. I've gotten to the point that I even take them after a perfectly normal BM because I remember days when all seemed fine and then suddenly, the dreaded D outta nowhere!

Just this past year, my best friend and boyfriend took me to the movies for my birthday. I purposely didn't eat much that morning, took several Imodium, yet before we even left the house my stomach turned against me. Pushed through, made it to the theater, got my candy and popcorn, sat in my seat. Just as the movie was about to begin, I heard that familiar rumble and rushed out to the bathroom. Ended up going several more times and texting my bf and friend to say I needed to leave. I get anxiety like that any time I know I'm going to be somewhere far from my own private bathroom. And I can still remember times before all this began when I would do anything and go anywhere and not think for a second about it. I dread activities that I used to love: movies, concerts, vacations, etc. I don't have much of a life these days.

But there is still hope! In my opinion, IBS is a junk diagnosis. Doctors today are more often interested in treating the symptoms instead of finding a cause and cure. If we had a better understanding of why we each suffer through this crap, we would be able to more effectively deal with it. I'm determined to beat this and get my life back. You can do it too!

The last post mentioned baking soda. I actually just started using a very small amount mixed in water to help with my awful reflux and I was shocked at how much it actually helped. Not sure if it will make a difference with my IBS-D but I'm convinced that my IBS, reflux and sinusitis with post nasal drip are all connected somehow. They all began in the same year.

I also quit taking Xanax for my anxiety last year and instead use CBD oil. It's really helped a lot, though it can be expensive. Is it legal where you live? If so, it might be worth a try! I get mine from this site called www.thoughtcloud.net. It was recommended to me by a friend who has Crohn's disease. You can get 20% off your order by using the code YOURSPECIAL. Their customer support people are available via chat and have been very helpful.

You are not alone! Feel free to message me if you need someone to talk to!


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## Venugarg (May 3, 2019)

Hey. I am having it for 3 years now. It's irritating and yes my mind is always in my gut. I use water to clean myself instead of a toilet paper so I do feel clean. I do avoid going out but college is a necessity. I locate the nearby washrooms but the chance of infection is always there. I live alone and there is noone to help me during the rough days. 
Underlying statement is you are not alone. You can handle it. You have come this far, and you can make it.


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