# Lack of Sexual Desire and FM/CFS



## DonnaDB

Anyone experience total lack of sexual desire due to total exhaustion, medictions, pain, etc. Just the thought of sex makes me tired and sick to my stomach!! I think my husband is about to leave. I just wondered if and how others deal with this? At night, after working all day, I'm too tired to eat or bathe, must-less consider sex!! Anyone else feel this way too? What do you do to help?


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## Feisty

Donna,You're not alone. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever. And to add to the problem, hubbie has his problems also. I've told him to just forget it. It's not everything. To me it's too stressful to go through the process of even trying. I've given up on it. I know hubbie's not happy, but that's the way it is.Have you checked out the recent thread by Squrts? He raised the issue of impotence and I think alot of it has to do with the meds we're on along with the pain and energy loss. Could it also be age related? I'm not sure. Some people have very good relationships into their seventies, but I'd sure as heck like to know how they do it!! They're probably healthy as can be. We're all fighting this god-forsaken stuff. The average person just doesn't understand the level of pain and exhaustion that we experience every single day.


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## Guest

I have been lucky!! In my last relationship (lasted 7 years) my partner was very understanding. I've never lost interest in sex and I think that's because that partner and my recent one have "catered" to me so to speak. If my energy level is low the sex is accommodating to that level. Make sense? I can say my ability to have an orgasm has been effected. That doesn't always happen. But as long as I feel good and get the closeness, I'm tickled pink.







DD


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## DonnaDB

Hey Feisty,I'd hate to say that you're "lucky" that your husband also has a problem but I know he probably doesn't feel that way. However, if he has a lack of desire also then that makes the two of you compatable and able to make it work. My husband on the other hand, has NO problem and just basically thinks that I am a hypochondriac or that I make up symptoms just in order to avoid sex. I don't, the symptoms are real; however, even if I didn't feel horrible, sex would still be the last thing on my mind!! You're right, probably the meds but it still doesn't change the fact that I just don't want to deal with it!! I don't know what to do!! I love my hubby and don't wont this illness to not only "kill" me but also "kill" my marriage!! I've even tried testosterone injections --didn't work! I it really hard to deal with. Sometimes, I think that I literally make myself sick worrying about it so much!!


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## squrts

worry dont help none,thats for sure.im one to talk!yes the neurontin took away my sexual potencey.now that im down to one/day(down from 4)i not only have reliefe from that problem,but have more energy as well.unfortunatly my pain is up a great deal.im not sure what to do about it yet but it was worth stopping the neurontin.


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## Feisty

Hey Donna!Uh, uh, no such thing as "lucky". Even though hubbie has impotent problems (for quite a few years)----first he ignored them and chucked them off as over-worked, over-stressed, and what not, I finally got fed up and said---enough! I was tired of feeling as though I was being used to "try" with nothing in it for me. Hubbie might have made it "up" for a minute or so---long enough for him to be relieved, but sure as heck left me feeling like---well, gee, if that is all this is about---FORGET IT. When we had a big argument about that---he finally went to see a Doctor. Started out taking some "natural" type stuff which did nothing---then he came home with testosterone injections (and guess who was suppose to give them to him!!). Damn near passed out the first few times I gave it to him, but after a while I kind of got a "thrill" "cause I could jab him in the butt and make him say ouch! LMAO. Funny, but not. Those shots worked some of the time, but the pressure was always on to "try". And it was always when he felt the urge and it was hurry up before he looses it. Left me feeling used, of course. But, from day one---and we've been married 32 years, he never knew "where it was at" and no matter how many times I tried to "explain" and "show", he never seemed to "get it". After about 4 years or more of those shots, with nothing changing, he saw a new Urologist who recommended he inject himself for an erection, plus take Viagra. More stress---I was just plain tired of all of it and totally lost interest. Of course, hubbie has a weight problem that really turns me off (sorry if I've offended anyone here---I didn't intend to). It may not bother some people, but it does me. It's a real turn off. He's known it for a very long time, but does nothing to change that. Well, I'm just plain tired of it all and enough is enough. And his kissing--man--no matter how many times I kissed him to show him how I like to be kissed, he still doesn't catch on. Go figure.DeeDee---you are lucky. Orgasm--what's that?! I only have one if I do it myself!!!Gosh, have I gotten graphic here, but dog gone it. I'm tired of all the "hoopla" over the sex issue. There are certainly alot of other ways to show you care, so I say, if you or your partner doesn't have the "urge", so what! There's more to life than a fast "romp in the hay", which is all it ever was for me. Now that I've put my foot down and called it off----NOW he wants to "play" more. Well, folks, It's just too darn late.


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## DonnaDB

Feisty, you go girl!! Don't allow yourself to be used! The problem with me is that I'm the one with the problem!! I just don't think it's worth the extra effort that it takes (and it takes ALOT). I have a very athletic husband who is in great shape. I'm thinking about just giving him a STANDING NO!!! And see if he hits the road or not!


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## trbell

might also be linked to diet and tetosterone: http://my.webmd.com/content/article/1685.53005 tom


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## Paige

I too have lost the desire. My husband has been very understanding and lets me set the pace. I go to bed early during the week and sleep in on Saturdays and really work at having "our" time on Saturdays and Sundays. If I am having a bad week he just massages me. Lucky me! It is difficult but the spouse has to take some responsibility too. We have been through the "you are always sick" complaint but when I told him in excrutiating detail what my life was really like he became a little more understanding. He treats me like the most desirable woman in the world which helps a lot to increase me desire. It is not about him getting off, but about how much he loves and wants me. No, he isn't available for house calls!Paige


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## weener

Gals, some of these posts are cracking me up. I know that this is a serious issue, so I'll get to my point. I'm also one those gals who could care less about sex. I don't remember what it's like. I joke with all my friends that I have forgotten what it means. I truly believe that my medications (blood pressure and anti-depressants) have affected my libido. The other thing I found that it was very painful to have intercourse and the next day my body would just ache all over. So of course remembering this I started to dread the thought of making love again. Don't get me wrong, sex is nice and I sure do miss it, but there are times that I enjoy cuddling and more. Now, the table has turned since my hubbie's prostate surgery. He's on hormones and time will tell if he will go on Viagra. I think it's been a big issue for him (manhood), but for me I don't love him any less.


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## Feisty

Donna and Paige,Please, please, oh please, can I just have your "hunk" for just one night?! Come on, now---share and share alike.Well, I can dream, right?!!!!!


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## DonnaDB

Yeah, just when I was praying for the "age of impotence" they came up with Viagra!!


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## Feisty

Exactly my thought!!I was actually beginning to feel "relieved" about not having to go through "the motions"------and then there was the Viagra, and injections!! Hubbie even talked me into taking a Viagra---telling me he had heard that it helps some women get "the urge" too. So I did.......not good. Within 15 minutes I had a beet red face (flushing is one of the side effects) and it did absolutely nothing for me to increase my desire. And then I was mad at myself for letting him talk me into trying the damn pill. And when I mentioned it to my Doc-whew!! Did I get a lecture!! He did not go for that self-treatment plan at all. Viagra can also be dangerous for a lot of individuals.Men think it's their "Salvation Drug".I guess men have a whole different idea on how "important" sex is-----apparently it's at the top of the list for many. And then for a lot of us women, it's more like the middle or bottom of the list. It's been at the bottom of my list almost from the beginning---but that's probably because I've never experienced "good sex". Wham, bam, thank you ma'am is more like it------and for years I thought that's how it was suppose to be and I wondered why I couldn't get excited very often. Took a counselor (some years ago) to explain otherwise to me, but it sure didn't change anything here.


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## Susan Purry

I wonder if commmunication and accommodation aren't the roots to coping with a sexual relationship whilst in chronic ill health? Like, one should be able to communicate what one does or does not feel able to do (energy and painwise for example), and what the alternatives are? Full sex may be really tiring but there are other options. Of course, that's all well and good when there is any desire for sex, I understand that there just might not be due to the illness or medications or when is just plain EXHAUSTED!!


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## LoriAnn

Well, I couldn't resist commenting on this subject! As for my first husband, well lets just say I hope no poor woman ever gives that oversexed, selfish, disgusting, pig sex again, sympathy and understanding he never gave me, "sex" I never gave him, that makes us even (almost).This marriage has been so different, I realized after 3 kids and two husbands that I actually like sex. My husband never pressures me, I call all the shots, I can say "no" whenever I want so I rarely do (twice in 12 years) he knows I have limits, and some days are worse than others. He says I don't complain but he can tell by watching me get around if its a bad day so he won't ask. I know I will pay for it the next day, and I admit that sometimes I'm in so much pain during that its hard to concentrate, but all in all I have no regrets. He wonders why I don't give it up, and know that if I give up that part of my marriage, this chronic illness wins. I won't let it take that from me. I have missed out on so much in my life because of this DISEASE, had to give up so many things, made my kids give up so many things, it will not take sex from me too (on the other hand, if I had to do it everyday, I might think twice, or die of a heart attack). In fact, at the end of a long and miserable life it is my greatest hope to die having sex! I deserve that much for a life of patience!







Lori


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## TroubledHeart

I dont believe it has anything to do w/age.I'm 23 years old and married almost 3 years. It's hard on my husband, but I am just so tired and sick at night from working all day and dealing w/this illness. But I haven't lost my love of sex, I just am too tired to have it sometimes. I tell him that if he waits till I am up to it, it will be much better than having it and my mind is off in the world of exhaustion...


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## celticlady

Having fibro,IBS and other health problems definitely affects ones sex drive! In my case,having some marital problems has made it worse in past few years....however when we do make love it is good!







Good thing we can get by for a good long time(in between) with just hugs and kisses.Ladies-for those whose husbands are "wham,bam,thank you maam" I think some fun sexual toys are the way to go.If you feel sexual,why deprive yourself?Making yourself feel good,why not?(sorry if this is too graphic)But if you dont feel like it,there are certainly a lot more things to life then sex....thank goodness!


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## LoriAnn

Ok, this is crude, but since everyone else is being so graphic, let me add to that last post by repeating an old phrase I heard long ago,(from an 80 year old woman I met in hospital)"you can tell the men from the boys by the size of our toys"Lori


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## Guest

I like your advice, Susan. Lori, your attitude is great!!!!


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## Guest

I've always had a sex drive that could match any guy, anywhere, anytime......(and I'm a woman) BUT...... when the fatigue really sets in.... the only thing that helps me is rest. If I am moderately tired, sometimes what it takes is "fueling a little fantasy"







(Oh C'mon girls... you know what I mean) To be honest, sex makes my IBS better. In fact, orgasms are very "healing". The *Magic they weave when their "feel good" endorphins start circulating throughout your entire body... make the effort worth it. And even if you can't get "all the way there"... sometimes just the intimacy alone helps you to feel better (and for sure it will keep the hubby happy).....


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## Guest

Regarding the very sensitive issue of male impotence.... my husband has been afflicted for several years. We finally hit upon a treatment that works for us, but it took us 4 urologists and lots of persistence. He uses tiny injections of Caverject (Alprostadil) and for us, it enables us to at least retain and/or capture some of what we remember







P.S. No, the injections don't hurt much in case some of you guys were wondering. The needles are very tiny and his erection lasts up to 3 hours.


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## LoriAnn

THREE HOURS!!!! If it takes that long I don't want to do it, my patience has limits. Geez I pay for an hour, 3 would cripple me!Lori


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## Guest

FDOTFALMAO







I didn't say that we "did it" for the full 3 hours did I ??????


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## Guest

P.S. When he first used the Caverject, his erections lasted for 4 hours... which the urologist was uncomfortable with.... it can cause permanent damage if it lasts longer than that... so he had to reduce the dosage a bit. Believe me, it's definitely better than nothing.


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## DonnaDB

You see, back to the topic of this conversation, my problem IS that I'd rather have NOTHING!!!! It just doesn't interest me at all!! I'm always in pain and almost always tired. Sex requires so much effort at the end of my day, I just can't deal with it!!


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## Guest

Donna...... Have you thought about having sex BEFORE your day begins when your energy level might be a little higher? I'm sure that we can all understand and appreciate that you have pain and discomfort. Sometimes the key to being able to enjoy sex is to not set expectations about it.... just enjoy it for what it gives you. And this works for me..... When I feel as if I just can't enjoy sex, I fantasize.... & hubby doesn't mind because he becomes the recipient of all the fantasizing. Much also depends on your age and hormone balance. If I don't supplement with natural estrogen and progesterone, my libido sinks through the floor.Having a partner who is sensitive to your needs is also very important. Be willing to experiment and try a few different things.Just a thought, but if you start your sexual experience in a more positive mode, better things will "come" out of it  Hopefully this won't gross anybody out here... my husband also has a form of IBS, and it's routine for him to have to get up and go to the bathroom several times during intimacy.... and I usually have to pee a couple of times as well... In fact, our sex life is pretty complicated these days, because of his dysfunction and our other health issues.... but we don't let it stop us from enjoying each other. In fact, I've gotten to the point where watching him inject himself with the Caverject is actually a turn-on. And when he ducks into the bathroom... I use that time to fantasize and self-pleasure. The point is that if you really want to enjoy pleasurable intimacy on some level with your husband or partner.... as long as you approach it positively..... good things will happen for you. We are living proof of that. Good Luck,


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## Guest

You go Artspirit!! Our attitude has SO MUCH to do with WHAT we can do. Another trick that helps is to practice those Kegels!! Just doing them can help stimulate and moisten. DeeDee


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## BethL.

Dear Donna,You are not alone. Even though we live in a strange culture that teaches that there is something wrong with people who have no sexual desire, yet there are many of us who persist in having no desire.... And furthermore: we know that there is nothing wrong with that!Being sick is bad; having IBS is bad; suffering from chronic fatigue symptom is bad. But feeling no desire for sex is not bad! Not at all! It can sometimes occur as a result of sickness, but it is not a sickness in itself.It is only because we live in a materialistic culture, where the entire economic system is based upon the manipulation of people's desires, that the absence of desire is seen as a problem. And what is proposed as the solution to that problem? -- Why, we are supposed to go out and spend our money on medications, books, therapies, videos, and other tools for regaining our desire! Then we can be more easily manipulated into desiring all of the clothes, cars, and other accoutrements of "sexiness."James Thurber and E. B. White were being humorous when they wrote the famous essay, "Is Sex Necessary?" My answer to the question is no. But I do wish that more people could bring a sense of humor to the subject. Sex can be a lot of fun; but life without sex can be a lot of fun, too. Meanwhile, if we remain married for many years, we find that our libidos are gradually changing (and not at the same rate!), so a great deal of patience and good humor are required on both sides.







Three cheers for marriages that last!


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## Guest

We're all different, there's no denying that. I do have to admit, however, that I'd rather be dead than not be able to have sex and great orgasms.... but that's me. I've never known a day when sex didn't appeal to me.... except for maybe when I had the flu. Two weeks after I had major gynecological surgery... I was having sex again.I did experience a lull in my libido there for a while, but discovered it was due to lack of estrogen.Hormone balance is essential..... both natural estrogen and natural progesterone. I also use a vaginal estriol cream which causes the tissues to "puff up" and creates more lubrication.No one is bad if they don't need, want or even like sex..... But my guess is that the reason you posted is because you do like sex and you wish you could enjoy it again.This scenario reminds me of an Ann Landers post that I read a few months ago where a woman was complaining that for 40 years she had to have sex with her husband 6 times a week and twice on Sunday. Ann Landers actually wrote back and supported that response. I responded to both of them with "Sex 6 times a week and twice on Sunday.....??? SEND HIM OVER !!!!!! "


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## Guest

DD.... thumbs up on the kegels as well... in fact, there have been times during intercourse when I was "right there" and in order to get over the hump.... I squeezed like you do when doing kegels....and that was sufficient to put me over. Interesting and pleasurable sensations. I also have a rectocele that sometimes pushes into the vagina and can greatly interfere with sensations. Sometimes just gentle pressure on the perineum to "push" it out of the way does the trick.Does anybody out there have problems with their bladder because of IBS????


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## 16632

I guess for it to be a real relationship, the bond between the two persons will be stronger than the need for, absence of, sex. But the "need" or urgency in those without FMS or something like it almost feels like an illness to them until the drive is satified, in more men than in women. So I guess the love requires we "take care" of the person too. I guess there must be lots of ways for that.At age twenty I wanted to be with a lady partner for three hours. (I am male.) Now at 41 and with FMS not having the desire seems to have come from and gone along witha) Sex just looks more selfish. I don't like how behavior occurs in relationships with a hidden agenda for sex. Women and men equally appear not to act within the unconditional love for friends or friends forever ideal while in that mode.







The above (a) makes excitation turn off. (The drive must be less strong for it to do so.)c) Depression coincides with the lack of cycle between excitation and satisfaction of the sexual drive. This must be hormonal (?- any ideas).d) Relationship with my significant other, granted a similar disposition, if fuller with love, acceptance, lesser requirements for conformity, not longer seems like an extension of myself.And surprisingly there is no impotence problem.All your feedback is all right. I guess y'all're ladies. Take care


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