# Rape Question



## Auroraheart (Aug 8, 2000)

I realize this is very personal...anyone who wants to reply feel free to PM me in confidence. I just need to ask someone else who may understand these questions.A few years ago I was date raped. My friends blamed me for the incident; including saying I "showed off" my bruises. (long story...but I didnt do that) I was in a state of shock it happened, and then the next day to have my friends say I deserved it, well....I didnt press any charges.







(and no worries, they are no longer my friends...no longer even around me) I mean, rape never happens to "you" right?







Recently I read an article about a girl who was also date raped. In the article she spoke about how it was easier to get over the rape itself...but that she had a lot of guilt over not reporting it, almost self blame for it. And in that it was affecting her relationship with her husband years later.I started to think about that a lot. I realize that I DO feel a lot of remorse for not reporting it...and blaming myself for letting myself be talked into not doing anything about it. And I wonder if this is affecting anything physical with my boyfriend now; whom I love a lot.I cant report it now; I dont even remember the day it happened. I have blocked some aspects out. But....I wondered if anyone else could relate to the shame or whatever word I seem to be grasping for.....


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## selenae25 (Apr 4, 2004)

I can relate, I was molested when I was fourteen or so my a friends stepbrother. My guilt has more to do with being scared and not getting away faster or screaming. I was asleep and woke up to it happening and did not know who it was and was to scared to move. I told my friend who told her mom, and her mom confronted him. We did not report it to the police though, I do think about if I should have, so yes I do feel ashamed for not reporting it. Here is a good website, this foundation was started by a singer I listen to who was raped. http://www.rainn.org/


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## Auroraheart (Aug 8, 2000)

Thank you Selenajean. I feel that way too...about not getting away faster or screaming. The guy who raped me wasnt a big guy; but for some reason everything I ever learned to protect myself went out of my mind.







I will go to the website you gave. Thank you again.


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## peardrops (Jan 3, 2004)

I feel so sorry for both of you and to any woman who has been raped. Neither of you are to blame, no woman asks to be raped. The problem is with the slime bags that commit this act. I think most woman think of what they would do if a man tried to rape them; scream, fight etc., but a lot of woman would probably freeze either through fear or because if they were to fight back they might not live.As for what your friends said Auroraheart well, words fail me. I'm glad they are no longer in your life. Does your boyfriend know what happened to you? Even though time has passed, if it was me, I think I would consider some sort of counselling. It might help you to resolve the issues you still have.....


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## peppertree (Jun 2, 2004)

its good you can talk about it. and no one knows what they would do, till put in the same situation. i was molested as a 5yr old several times by a neighbor, over and over. All i knew was he gave me a box of pennies evertime i did what he wanted. It went on for quite a while, but realized at 5yrs old, i felt ashamed. It followed me all through my life and relationships, till i told my husband about it after 20yrs of marriage. Dont beat yourself up, sharing is burden is part of a burden lifted. you would be amazed how many people this has happened to. i forgave the man who did this to me, because i had no other choice, it was eating me alive inside. i cant even remember the mans name, irnoic isnt it, that much of my life ruined by a man i cant even remember his name,. Hang in there, there is Peace for you


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## Auroraheart (Aug 8, 2000)

Thanks to everyone who replied and PMed me. It is comforting to know I am not "alone" in my feelings.I am going to go to the library and take out some books on how to help. I also have a friend who I have made here who works for the Womens Shelter who may have some resources for me.As someone has said, it is so hard to "get over" the feelings that one action (or more in some cases) have caused. I admire Peppertree for being able to forgive the guy who did that to her. I dont have it in me to forgive the guy who raped me. My boyfriend and I have been talking more about what happened. He is very supportive and just asks what he can do to help, or what he shouldnt do.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I was date raped in high school.I never reported it because it is so hard to prove.I was not beaten,but he forced himself on me .I said no over and over and i could not get away.I still feel that it was partially my fault.I wanted to "make out" and fool around.I gave him permission to do that,but not to have sex.It's such a fine line.To this day,i wonder if he thinks that he raped me.


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## erin5983 (Mar 25, 2003)

I'm so sorry to hear that this has happened to those of you who were brave and posted about it. I think date rape occurs much, much more often than anyone is willing to talk about it. It seems like so many women take the blame upon themselves. I've heard time and again people comment on how sometimes women are "asking for it" by the way they dress or the makeup they wear. It is NEVER your fault if you are raped or molested. Ever. I can't even imagine what your friends were thinking, AH. I'm just glad they are out of your life because they certainly didn't have your best interests at heart. Have you thought about seeing a counselor? Sometimes having someone who doesn't know you and you know isn't judging you can help. It is completely understandable that you didn't report it, AH. I can't even imagine how you were feeling. I hope you are able to speak with someone and come to some peace with this. Not wanting to forgive the guy is understandable, also. What a sleazeball. I'm glad your boyfriend is understanding.


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

A Chiroprator felt me up when i was 16, I didn't know he was doing something wrong until i called the hospital to ask. His father is a member of parliament so i didn't want to make a big deal out of it. I wonder if it happened to other patients. I wonder now if i should have reported it but it doesn't bother me that much, what bothers me is if he's still feeling up other 16 year olds.


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## SugarBabyDoll (May 27, 2004)

Wow its amazing how many women have been through sexual abuse throughout their lives. I too have been through it as well a few times sadly. I was reading this thing on IBS and it said something on how a lot of women with IBS have been sexually abused. What do you think about that? I find that pretty messed up but I think it is true.


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## dlt647 (Jul 30, 2003)

I was also a victim of date rape. In my case, I had dated this guy a few times a year before this. He was so nice and there was never any sexual contact. The following year, he called me and asked me for dinner with some of his friends. I accepted. We got to his apartment and he offered me a glass of wine. All I remember is taking one or two sips. I don't remember a thing after that until I woke up to find him having sex with me. This was my very first sexual experience. I never told anyone. My mother was suffering from anxiety issues and I didn't want to compound them, so I just kept it to myself. It does bother me a lot that this happened. It did affect my relationships and opinions about sex for many years. I have since gotten over those feelings, but it is important to talk to someone if you can.


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## rocknrolljunkie (Jul 29, 2004)

I too was raped, when I was 14 (first sexual experience), nice! I kept it to myself for many years, and held a lot of guilt, shame and blame for many years. It also did affect my relationships and views about sex for many years, but I have since completed some counselling, and it has helped so much.


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## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

I'm sorry to all of you who have been raped. It's just awful. I have never been raped, but my aunt was attacked and raped one night when walking home alone and my mother was date raped. She never reported it either, she hasn't told anyone besides me and when she told me, I wanted to look the guy up and have someone beat the he-double L out of him! I think it is natural in any traumatic event in our lives to question our judgements and to think about what we could have done differently, but it is easy to think of these things after the fact....I mean if someone told you ahead of time it was going to happen you would be prepared, but it is never something you expect. Besides, things could have happened much differently. What if you tried to fight him off and he killed you, or maimed you for life? If you tried unsuccessfully to fight him off it would only have angered him more. You don't know what might have happened, so please don't blame yourself for not fighting. The jerk was capable of rape, God knows what else he was capable of.As for reporting it, you need to do what's right for you. Because these creeps many times make the victms feel like it is their fault they are ashamed to report it. It is also something that people so desperately try to get passed, and they fear that reporting it will result in a court case and judgement might be placed upon them. It isn't an easy process....Defense Attorneys can make a victims time on the stand hell. It is all what you decide to do. Only the victim can make that decision and I don't feel there is any wrong answer. ((((((Hugs to you strong ladies))))))


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## BloatedLady (Aug 8, 2000)

My heart goes out to you... I was sexually molested and later raped by my uncle. He was very clever and cunning and blackmailed me, so he could come back to me over and over again. I finally moved away and have not seen or spoke to him in 3 years.It is not your fault, just as it wasnot my fault. These men are perverts who enjoy hurting women. they enjoy forcing us to do as they say, that's all. My uncle could not even maintain an erection for long enough to do what he was going to do, so he used what he called a 'toy'. I understand what you must be going through, and I am here to listen to you if you need it.


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## Auroraheart (Aug 8, 2000)

My IBS started before I was raped.Have of you ever been able to block the feelings from you, even for a bit? I keep wondering if hypnotism would enable me to block that out of my life. Sometimes I feel like I am a "body" and I detach myself.







Other times I am okay.


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## Trudyg (Aug 16, 2002)

Often as a child I was awakened to my spinster aunt's moans of fear/terror. Only after I was grown did she tell that she had been raped repeatedly by Russian soldiers during WWII. We always wondered why she hated Russia! Now, after the 9/11 thing we have 'soldiers' patrolling trains and airports and she is terrified of traveling. Such a terrible thing to have lived with. She won't do it, but YOU should seek out counseling. Go to the rape crisis center, it's free. They'll understand and not condemn you for waiting.


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## khakbar (Jun 8, 2004)

Hi there, I just came across this and wanted to briefly share some of my life story. As a child I have been molested by family and so called friends of the family, later down the road a couple of months before my 18th birthday I went to the hotel with my so-called boyfriend only to be gang raped, sold to a man with a shot gun and then later that same evening after leaving the hotel, I was approached by a man with a gun and raped again. The strange thing is I never even considered the portion of the night with the boyfriend to be rape, why? because I went willingly. It wasn't until much later, Oct. 2003 that I had even told about the whole night. I reported the last part of the day to the police because I knew that was Rape, but I couldn't/wouldn't acknowledge the fact that I was raped over and over in 24 hrs. It took a special therapist, and lots, lots of therapy to accept, and realize that I did not deserve what happened, the guilt, anger, fear consumed my life for well over 20 years, I'm 43 now and one thing I try to do whenever possible is to help in a rape crisis center and talk to anyone who needs to talk. Remmeber you are only as sick and the secrets you keep. And so-called friends who would dare say you deserved it, asked for it is just as sick. My heart hurts for you and I hope and pray that you will get the help you need to be able to live a full and complete life.


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## selenae25 (Apr 4, 2004)

This is a website and bulliten board for survivors of sexual abuse. It might be helpful to hear from other women who are supportive and have gone through the same thing and maybe have some insight on feelings that you may have. You have to register to get to most areas on the board but there are a few public areas if you do not want to register. http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/ipb/


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## silvergirl (Jun 19, 2003)

i was raped 2 years ago. dealing with the shame and guilt and self-blame has been incredibly hard. i've been seeing a therapist at my local rape/crisis centre, and she's helped me through so much.another fantastic support system i've found is on the message board www.pandys.org it's a site for women and men who are survivors of any form of sexual abuse/assault/rape etc. (similar to the board selenajean suggested, although i haven't tried that board.)i also had IBS before the rape, but i never really paid attention to it, it didn't seem that bad. i have found that there is a direct relation between how i'm feeling and IBS (especially IBC D!) since the rape, my IBS has flared up from mildly annoying to a full-blown issue. i have also read about IBS and sexual abuse. it seems that pretty much anyone who is a survivor also has digestive/bowel/etc issues. (of course not everyone who has IBS has been abused or raped)...there was a thread on here about this several months ago...i know it can be so hard to believe, but none of us deserved to be raped or hurt. we are not to blame. for me, it's the self-blame that i'm struggling with the most. rationally, i know it wasn't my fault, but i still feel it was. ~a


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Aurora, when i was 17 i got myself into a sticky situation and a guy forced himself on me but i managed to get away.It was a long time before i realised it was attempted rape and i feel terrible for not reporting him.


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## christiane53 (Jul 6, 2002)

Aurora ... I was really touched by your story and that of so many others who have posted here. This is my story. I was molested (felt up) by my brother, and raped by a babysitter at age 13. I never told anyone about either instance.. To this day I am not able to be close to my brother or trust him. It's a pity because he is the only family I have left ... of the family I grew up with that is. I have my little family here in Shannan and Paige so I feel very blessed. I can identify with the feelings you are going through. I would really like to thump those former friends of yours. They couldn't be more wrong. If you still find yourself dwelling on the attack, and it is affecting your life I would certainly see a counsellor. It can cause those feelings to hang around for much longer if you have kept them bottled up inside. Take it from one who knows. I told my husband, and told the therapist I saw when hubby first became ill. She helped me put all of those feelings in perspective. I still find it painful to think about what happened, but I don't find myself thinking about it often. Something very specific has to happen to bring it to mind ... then I think about it, but I find I can think about it without all of those bottled up feelings taking me over. It took a long time ... much longer than it should have because I kept it bottled up. Once I was seeing a therapist she helped me work through it in less than a year and helped me to accept myself, and not blame myself. I really feel for you and everyone else who has posted here. I hope you manage to find peace ... it is possible.Take careKristy


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## Anastazya (Sep 10, 2004)

My Hugz to all who have surpassed the overwhelming autrocities of being raped. I was raped when I was very very very young. It wasn't till I was in my late 30's that I started to heal from all of my childhood abuses, as well as adult sexual and emotional abuse.If there was one thing I've learned over the years, it's that "NO ONE DESERVES OR ASKS TO BE RAPED", as well, as, the "Emotional Damage" causes extreme havoc not only to your body physically, but also emotionally.Right now I'm involved in a very big law suit against many of my childhood abusers. It gets harder each and every time I have to talk to my lawyers or detectives or police, as I have to relive every incident. I'm ever so thankful that I have an excellent non-judgmental therapist who has been there for me in the past 10 years.I've recenlty graduated with my BSW, I took Social Work, so it would help me to heal. It was very hard work, but I did it. I've now committed my life to helping women, children and the elderly who are sexually exploited. I have an absolute zero tolerance level for abuse of any kind.If you need someone to talk to...I'm always around, and a very good listener.Till later, please take care and know that you all are so very much loved.Angel HugzAnastazya alwayz as sisters in the "Sisterhood connections Anonymous".


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## tummyache1 (Sep 2, 2004)

As I was reading these I started to feel sick. Something happened to me when I was 15 but I had never really thought to classify it as anything other than a stupid mistake on my part. I was drinking (for the first time) with a couple of my girl friends and their older brothers. My best friends brother was more than happy to keep our drinks full. Later that night I passed out and woke up to my best friends older brother (who was 20-something at the time)having me perform oral sex on him while I drifted in and out of consiousness. I didn't even know that it had happened until we all left and I asked my best friend about what happened. She told me everything...evidently she was in the room the whole time making out with another friends brother while her own brother was on me. As it turns out, this guy did the SAME thing to another one of our girl friends the SAME night. I kind of pushed it out of my mind thinking it was no big deal. Now when I think about it, it really upsets me....I had never even had my first kiss! To add to it all, when confronted..he denied the entire thing. I have a long history of run-ins with this guy. Sometimes I have to wonder if all of this led to some promiscuity during college. I dont' know why I typed this...I don't talk about it to people...I guess its just good to get it out.


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## christiane53 (Jul 6, 2002)

It is therapeutic to talk it out. Please go see a therapist to help you work through the issues you've kept bottled up for so long tymmyache1. It will surely make the world of difference to your life. Hugs ...Take careKristy


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## Anastazya (Sep 10, 2004)

Good Morning Tummyache1, I absolutely agree that it's very good to talk about it. Life is so wonderful and beautiful, however, if we have issues from the past that we haven't dealt with they often lead to experiencing different symptoms of physical and or emotional trauma. Finding a good therapist is also very essential. You need to feel comfortable with whoever you talk to. I shall pray for you to have the strength and courage to heal from your abuse when you were 15. "Remember everything that you have seen, for things forgotten, eventually return to the circling winds." (1887 Navajo Drum Song)"Till later, please take care and know that you are so very much loved and that this is a fantastic place to come to.Angel Hugz alwayzAnastazya














*all*


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## lilymaid (Jan 3, 1999)

I've had some weird things happen to me in the past that have made me VERY protective of my body. It's been hard getting over all this weird-###ss s#$t but it is worth it finding a good therapist. I've been to a good one, been to a less effective one. The first one-- let me tell you, it was painful. I felt raw for a few months. It was like being an onion, being peeled and peeled and peeled to get to the core. BUT IT WAS WORTH IT. I was just totally SICKENED by what I read here and I applaud all of your for your tenacity to get through all of this. Hats off to you. I wish it all had never happened to you. You're bringing tears to my eyes now. Regards, Lilymaid


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