# Why do I do this



## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Why do i self harm, why do i hate myself so much


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## Guest (Apr 5, 2009)

Oh darl - I'm so sorry - you've been off these boards of late which I took to be a good sign.You self-harm because at the moment you are not in a good place and you are angry - probably at yourself and nowhere to direct all this misery and rage. I don't know where you are at with proper support at the moment - please let us know - cos you need more than us lot on here don't you.Sue xxx


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## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Ive cut myself 12 times tonight, i wish i didnt and I wish i had better control. I cant stand it


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## Guest (Apr 5, 2009)

OK Poo - and we've been through this before luv - GET YOURSELF TO A PLACE OF SAFETY AWAY FROM SHARP IMPLEMENTS. If you can't resist the urge to self-harm YOU MUST SEEK URGENT HOSPITALLISATION.Please, please, please - this is really really beyond the scope of this board.Sue


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## baz22p (Dec 1, 2008)

Hi Poo,I must agree with Sue - your situ is beyond our help and advice, other than to say what Sue has said.I pressume that your self-hatred is based on IBS? If so, please just look around here to get maybe just a little hope from others' in the way they achieve a quality of life. I can't claim to have personal experience of your self-harming problem, but that doesn't mean I don't want to offer you support! Baz


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

Honestly, I dunno what to tell you because if you won't seek professional help there is very little we can do for you here.If you absolutely will not seek professional help at least consider using message boards specifically for self harm. We really don't have any of the resources to help you with those deeper issues.Here are a few, you might read around and see if they fit with the support you need.A lot of them you have to register to read, so I don't know which ones are good, but I thought I'd post a few I found on google, there are others as wellhttp://gabrielle.self-injury.net/http://self-injury.net/links/onlinesupport/http://teenadvice.about.com/od/cuttingbran...Self_Injury.htmhttp://www.bpdresources.com/selfinjury.htmlYou are not alone in this, but I don't know how to tell you to just get yourself out of it without any support from either professionals or other people that do this.Please reach out to those that can help you.ETA: As to why? It really sounds like a mental illness and expecting you can just will it away is like expecting a diabetic to just will their pancreas into making insulin or someone with thyroid disease to will their thyroid into making the right chemical signals. It isn't a moral failing or that you aren't a strong enough person or any of the things your disease or society tells you to keep you from seeking help.


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## Cathy in CA (Feb 5, 2009)

Kathleen... ....you are such an angel to provide her with those more useful forums. I only discovered forums-message boards about 6 weeks ago. After finding this one so helpful and supportive for bowel disorders, I joined one for rheumatoid arthritis. RA is an auto-immune systemic disease with a special kind of arthritis as one part of it. The public just doesn't get that.... just like how IBS can be debilitating. Forums are great. But I haven't looked for any others... maybe poo pea hasn't either. Thank you for being here for us all.Poo Pea... ....take advantage of the forums... find the one that works best for you. The people there will truly be able to relate and advise you about where to seek actual professional help.....also, don't hide this from those who love you. I'm a mom of 2 daughters, now in their twenties. Each was assaulted in high school and didn't tell me right away. The second, after watching me 2 years before, did tell me the next day so I was able to understand her behavior and support her through her post-traumatic stress disorder that was bad for a full year, and through the whole trial experience, (that validation started her improvement). So, what I learned was that I needed to convince them each to not protect me, that I wouldn't fall apart or get sicker physically (which I didn't). I didn't know they felt that way and I'm still so sad that they did. Give your people the chance.Cathy


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## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you for the links, i have googled forums for this before i.e. yesterday and didnt have much success in finding them. Im not the best at google.I called a family member this morning and told them what i have done, i havent confessed to doing this for 4 years so it was big for me. I have made a Dr appt for Wednesday to get a referal to an after hours counsellor so it doesnt impact my fieldwork, i have explained i am stressed and unwell to my supervisor and have 1/2 day off on Wednesday to address these things and i called my best friend on my way home and am about to walk over there now and confess everything.I agree, i need help and im going to get it. I want a better life than this and i will learn... with help... how to deal better with lifes stressors and my past.Thank you for all your kind words, I am finally ready to seek the help i need in a way that is helpful for me.Keep your fingers crossed for me. I cannot erase what i have done to my body but I can let it heal and never do it again.Poo Pea


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2009)

Poo - don't make promises to yourself that you may not be able to keep. I'd concentrate on getting some proper help, thats a positive step and taking it ONE DAY AT A TIME.Good for you - asking for help is a big step which you've now taken.Sue xxx


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## Cathy in CA (Feb 5, 2009)

Pea... wow, I never saw someone follow up on difficult advice so fast before... you must be ready to do what it takes to get started on recovery. Congratulate yourself on reaching out. Get the professional help who specializes in your area of need and make that first appointment before you change your mind. Then go to it! I am impressed you were brave enough to tell people who care about you what you are going through. Hopefully, they will learn the best ways to be supportive of you. You are no longer alone. Ask your friends to sit by you at the computer and teach you how to find those informative sites. If they do not know how either, ask at the library. You are in my thoughts,Cathy


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## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Thank you Sue and Cathy,Cathy - it wasnt a very quick turn around, ive been posting stuff on here for about 3-4 years all a tad dark and dangerous. But the amount of damage I did to my body and some other stupid things I did over the weekend made me have a wake up call. The chat to my friend helped alot and they said they will always be there for me. I also told my other bestie and they said the same. So they are being very supportive. Today ive been trying to tell myself I will be ok, that things will get better and that I can let go of the control a little now and let others help me. This is my biggest realisation, is that i dont have to do it alone. It was so hard to tell two friends and my father but its done and its a baby step in the right direction. I even went out on a date tonight which is huge for me. I feel a little depressed after the date cause i feel vulnerable to rejection but I wanted to give it a try.Ive just got to take it day by day, and everyday tell myself that there are ppl who love me and that I can do this. Let this day be the day I start to put the past behind me once and for all and learn to cope with life. I am very scared and im certain it will be hard but I will get there in the end.Thank you again to everyoneAnd Cathy you were right, IBS is MASSIVE part of it. I cant cope when it flares up. But I will find a way to cope.


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## baz22p (Dec 1, 2008)

Hi Poo Pea,Yes I know I posted to you earlier in this thread but I was so concerned that we may not be able to help you in the way you need.....but reading your latest posts I can see that things are definately looking-up for you. I appreciate how difficult various 'steps' must have been, and that there are many more ahead, but I would like to wish you all the very best for the long road ahead. Good luck, and keep us posted!Baz


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

Telling people who care about you is a big step. Just that often lightens the burden quite a bit. At least you can stop worrying about them finding out.Keep making baby steps and reaching out for the help you need.


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## Guest (Apr 6, 2009)

Kath is absolutely right. I remember when I was desperately ill - I used to write in my diary - for say a week ahead "TODAY I AM NO LONGER ILL" - but of course mental illness is an unpredictable and stubborn beast. It really is best to be dead pragmatic about this - cherish the good days you have and once you are on the right road to recovery you'll suddenly stop in your tracks and realise you've had 3 good days on the run. It is absoutely doomed for disaster to try and make promises and deadlines that you won't be able to keep. Its a very difficult and steep hill to climb - and as you know Poo - boy do I know all about that.You keep in touch - and please do let us know what help you have been able to resource.Sue xx


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## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Morning,I agree with everyone, I doubt I will ever be cured of this, it is part of who I am, however I am able to learn coping mechanisms and allow my friends and family to support me. My mum is the best for my IBS, I can call her anytime of the day or night and she will sit on the phone with me... I am very lucky to have this as sometimes it can be 2am or 3am etc. Good ol IBS stricking when ever and where ever. Here is a laugh for you (embarrassed at the time)... About 4 weeks ago I was on the bus to go to work, I got those familiar growls and stabs in my tummy and knew I was going to need a toilet very soon for D... well I picked a supermarket that was about 10 more stops away, I had no idea where else there would be a toilet. Anywho my tummy just got worse and worse so in the end I jumped of the bus and RAN to a daycare centre IT WAS LOCKED noone was there.... I was starting to cry and panic I was about 5 seconds away from having D right on the spot... in the end I ran to the house next door of the daycare (had enver met them in my life) and begged to use thier toilet.... so I had D in some random guys house on my way to work. Fun Fun. I bought him some flowers and left them at his door that night.... i felt really bad. That was certainly my lowest point ever in IBS... but I survived lolIm lucky that I dont have to worry about IBS to much, it affects my life daily but everyone I know knows I have it. I ever told my supervisor at fieldwork and she confessed to me she has it too lol.... so ive been lucky i think. Im not making any plans for any certain day that things will be better, but I am making appointments for help e.g. with friends, family, doctors, councellors. I have my Dr appointment tomorrow and will get a referal to a councellor... you guys are right, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders by being honest... and I suddenly feel safer and less alone knowing I am wokring toward getting help. Take care all


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## Guest (Apr 7, 2009)

Well done you Poo - you know you can't battle on alone - so yes, continue to let people in - you'll be amazed. One really positive thing that came out of my bout of depression, I forged some really strong friendships with all sorts of folk, Mental illness really sorts out the wheat from the chaff - you can be sure of that and it sounds like you have a good network there.Sue


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## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Ok having a bad moment. I was feeling depressed when I got home from work so I got my roommate and went to the gym. It helped whilst I was there but now i feel shite again. Trying to tell myself I will be ok and i am fixing things. DEEP BREATH


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## Guest (Apr 7, 2009)

Exercise is good Poo - releases endorphines apparently. You know this will be an uphill struggle and you know you will have good moments and bad moments. You are in for the long-haul aren't you - so stick with it. When are you going to see the doctor next?Sue


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

Remember every human no matter how happy and healthy they are has bad moods and bad moments.If you expect to never have those again you are setting yourself up.All healing of anything tends to be a two step forward, one step back thing. Don't expect some level of perfection or constant forward progress that is completely impossible. Often that setting of impossible goals so you must fail is part of the process of staying depressed and anxious. Having realistic goals that allow you to be a real human being with normal human ups and downs can be very healthy.


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## Poo Pea 4 (Feb 10, 2009)

Hello,I went to the gym, i felt great while i was there. But got a low mood again when I got home so I called one of my friends and chatted for an hour, it helped alot. I really am reaching out this time where as in the past i would put on a depressive song and sink further into the low mood. Well I keep telling myself in my head... some self talk... that it will all be ok in the end. I will get there.Thank you for posting, it helps me to know i can come on here and look at this thread and you guys have written to me. I really like it, i makes a differencePoo Pea


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## Guest (Apr 7, 2009)

No worries chuckie egg - thats what we're here for. Do remember - I've been exactly where you are now - and at 46 I've never felt better - promise!!!!!Sue xxx


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