# I've had IBS for 9 years



## Jessica B (Jan 29, 2012)

Writing this out is a huge deal for me. I swore to myself that it was too embarrassing to ever tell anyone, but now that I know other people have been open about their IBS, it makes this much easier for me.This all started when I was 12. I remember hanging out with friends and constantly being worried about my stomach making noises. Movie theaters, silent rooms, sleepovers, and car rides were hell for me. I had a bunch of different ways to drown out the noises. Cough. Talk loudly. Move a chair. Ask to blast the music. Get up and walk to the other room. I usually got away from the embarrassment by blaming it on hunger, until someone very casually said to me “Maybe you have to go to the bathroom!” I never looked at the noises the same way. I mean, of course I knew the noises had to be from gas, but it didn’t fully hit me until someone else mentioned it. I thought back to all the times people heard my stomach making noises and felt anxious and embarrassed. I spent the last year of elementary and the first year and a half of high school with the same stomach noises and the same tactics to drown them out. The only good thing about those 2.5 years were the noises seemed to stop once I had gone to the bathroom, and I only had to go once a day after school. I had gone to my doctor many times and told him about the noises coming from my stomach and how they seemed to happen the most after lunch. He asked me how many times I went to the bathroom and I told him once after school. (There was no way I’d go to the bathroom during school.) He then told me that it was normal and “Most likely all the girls in the class felt the same way.” I couldn’t find comfort in that because I didn’t notice any other girls desperately trying to drown out noises. He ended by telling me to “Eat more fiber!” The thing every IBS sufferer hates to hear. In the second semester of tenth grade, the noises got progressively worse, and they came accompanied with stomach pain. One of my classes after lunch had couches instead of desks, because the teacher felt it made everyone feel “more comfortable!” Not me. That was a nightmare. No chairs to move? Right beside another student with no desk over my stomach as a slight sound barrier? Right after lunch? Hell. I found myself skipping that class a lot, and I also found myself skipping lunch. If I didn’t eat the noises weren’t as loud, and were replaced by hunger sounds. I could deal with the hunger noises, because they were less embarrassing and more common. Silent reading days were awful. Those were the days I skipped most. In the 11th grade I became so paranoid about the noises that I forced myself to go to the bathroom in the morning before school. That was probably the worst thing I could have ever done, and now when I look back on it I wish I never had because I believe that played a huge factor on how awful my bowels are today. I keep thinking that maybe I forced IBS upon myself, and hate myself for it. It was around that time that I also developed OCD. I had a routine every morning, and if I didn’t go to the bathroom at least 3 times in the morning, my whole routine was “thrown off” and I’d skip school. My days consisted of waking up 2 hours before the normal person just so I could go to the bathroom, starving myself throughout the day to prevent stomach noises and the pain, and then coming home and shoving my face with food so I would have something to digest for the next morning. I feel like it was some form of an eating disorder, though I didn’t realize it then. I know most people thought I had an eating disorder because I would never eat at lunch, and if I did it would be a piece of crust from a friend’s pizza, or a couple french fries. I was malnourished and losing weight, but I would do anything to prevent the noises and stomach cramps.Though my stomach hurt a lot I was still able to have a social life. Most of my friends knew about my stomach issues, (of course they didn’t know about it in detail but they knew that I had stomach problems). I was able to drink with friends, have the odd sleepover, travel in cars or buses for long distances without the constant urge to use the bathroom, but I did suffer with the stomach noises and constant pain, especially late at night or after a meal. I spent all of high school with the same morning routine. Waking up 2 hours early, skipping a lot of classes, hanging out with friends with the constant worry of my stomach making noises. The funny thing is, I thought that was awful, but I’d without a doubt prefer the stomach noises over where my bowels are at now. After high school I had taken a college class on media and web design. Being in college meant classes at different times every day so I had to throw my morning routine out the window. I developed a new routine, and oddly enough, it seemed to make my stomach better. I came to the conclusion that forcing myself to go to the bathroom was the stupidest thing I could have done. (Go figure.) I finally felt like my stomach was slowly getting better and I was thrilled. Until after Christmas. The second semester in school required a lot of oral presentations, which have always been a fear of mine. I started having anxiety attacks every day before class, which ended up making my stomach worse again. I was going into a downwards spiral of depression and anxiety, and I couldn’t take it, especially not after feeling like I had a normal stomach for a few months. I had to drop of out college and figure my sh*t out. (No pun intended.)After dropping out of college I spent a lot of days at home by myself. My friends were at university or working full time and I couldn’t do either. My stomach started getting worse. I couldn’t leave my house without the constant urge to go to the bathroom. Just thinking of how my stomach might act up sent me into a frenzy, and I was forced to stay at home. Unless I go to the bathroom at least 4 times before leaving my house, my stomach acts up and I feel like I have to go to the bathroom. As soon as I get that feeling, I have to go. I think that is what terrifies me the most.Over the past 4 years my stomach has controlled my life. I haven’t been able to do normal things that a person my age does. The only time I’m able to see my friends or my boyfriend is if they come to my house. IBS has made me feel lonely, miserable, and trapped. I have lost many friends over IBS, and it is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend because I can not go on normal dates or to his house. I haven’t been able to have a steady job so I have a small business editing videos for companies out of the comfort of my home. I have no idea what is going to come of my future and it looks pretty bleak unless I can find a way to control this. Maybe I should go back to school. Maybe I should get a real job. I want to, but just thinking of how my stomach might ruin it prevents me. I am stuck.I don’t know if this post has a point to it. I think I started it hoping there would be some sort of message, but I think all it has turned into is a depressing tale of how IBS has controlled me since I was 12.


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## maitland (Dec 23, 2011)

Jessica B said:


> Writing this out is a huge deal for me. I swore to myself that it was too embarrassing to ever tell anyone, but now that I know other people have been open about their IBS, it makes this much easier for me.This all started when I was 12. I remember hanging out with friends and constantly being worried about my stomach making noises. Movie theaters, silent rooms, sleepovers, and car rides were hell for me. I had a bunch of different ways to drown out the noises. Cough. Talk loudly. Move a chair. Ask to blast the music. Get up and walk to the other room. I usually got away from the embarrassment by blaming it on hunger, until someone very casually said to me "Maybe you have to go to the bathroom!" I never looked at the noises the same way. I mean, of course I knew the noises had to be from gas, but it didn't fully hit me until someone else mentioned it. I thought back to all the times people heard my stomach making noises and felt anxious and embarrassed. I spent the last year of elementary and the first year and a half of high school with the same stomach noises and the same tactics to drown them out. The only good thing about those 2.5 years were the noises seemed to stop once I had gone to the bathroom, and I only had to go once a day after school. I had gone to my doctor many times and told him about the noises coming from my stomach and how they seemed to happen the most after lunch. He asked me how many times I went to the bathroom and I told him once after school. (There was no way I'd go to the bathroom during school.) He then told me that it was normal and "Most likely all the girls in the class felt the same way." I couldn't find comfort in that because I didn't notice any other girls desperately trying to drown out noises. He ended by telling me to "Eat more fiber!" The thing every IBS sufferer hates to hear. In the second semester of tenth grade, the noises got progressively worse, and they came accompanied with stomach pain. One of my classes after lunch had couches instead of desks, because the teacher felt it made everyone feel "more comfortable!" Not me. That was a nightmare. No chairs to move? Right beside another student with no desk over my stomach as a slight sound barrier? Right after lunch? Hell. I found myself skipping that class a lot, and I also found myself skipping lunch. If I didn't eat the noises weren't as loud, and were replaced by hunger sounds. I could deal with the hunger noises, because they were less embarrassing and more common. Silent reading days were awful. Those were the days I skipped most. In the 11th grade I became so paranoid about the noises that I forced myself to go to the bathroom in the morning before school. That was probably the worst thing I could have ever done, and now when I look back on it I wish I never had because I believe that played a huge factor on how awful my bowels are today. I keep thinking that maybe I forced IBS upon myself, and hate myself for it. It was around that time that I also developed OCD. I had a routine every morning, and if I didn't go to the bathroom at least 3 times in the morning, my whole routine was "thrown off" and I'd skip school. My days consisted of waking up 2 hours before the normal person just so I could go to the bathroom, starving myself throughout the day to prevent stomach noises and the pain, and then coming home and shoving my face with food so I would have something to digest for the next morning. I feel like it was some form of an eating disorder, though I didn't realize it then. I know most people thought I had an eating disorder because I would never eat at lunch, and if I did it would be a piece of crust from a friend's pizza, or a couple french fries. I was malnourished and losing weight, but I would do anything to prevent the noises and stomach cramps.Though my stomach hurt a lot I was still able to have a social life. Most of my friends knew about my stomach issues, (of course they didn't know about it in detail but they knew that I had stomach problems). I was able to drink with friends, have the odd sleepover, travel in cars or buses for long distances without the constant urge to use the bathroom, but I did suffer with the stomach noises and constant pain, especially late at night or after a meal. I spent all of high school with the same morning routine. Waking up 2 hours early, skipping a lot of classes, hanging out with friends with the constant worry of my stomach making noises. The funny thing is, I thought that was awful, but I'd without a doubt prefer the stomach noises over where my bowels are at now. After high school I had taken a college class on media and web design. Being in college meant classes at different times every day so I had to throw my morning routine out the window. I developed a new routine, and oddly enough, it seemed to make my stomach better. I came to the conclusion that forcing myself to go to the bathroom was the stupidest thing I could have done. (Go figure.) I finally felt like my stomach was slowly getting better and I was thrilled. Until after Christmas. The second semester in school required a lot of oral presentations, which have always been a fear of mine. I started having anxiety attacks every day before class, which ended up making my stomach worse again. I was going into a downwards spiral of depression and anxiety, and I couldn't take it, especially not after feeling like I had a normal stomach for a few months. I had to drop of out college and figure my sh*t out. (No pun intended.)After dropping out of college I spent a lot of days at home by myself. My friends were at university or working full time and I couldn't do either. My stomach started getting worse. I couldn't leave my house without the constant urge to go to the bathroom. Just thinking of how my stomach might act up sent me into a frenzy, and I was forced to stay at home. Unless I go to the bathroom at least 4 times before leaving my house, my stomach acts up and I feel like I have to go to the bathroom. As soon as I get that feeling, I have to go. I think that is what terrifies me the most.Over the past 4 years my stomach has controlled my life. I haven't been able to do normal things that a person my age does. The only time I'm able to see my friends or my boyfriend is if they come to my house. IBS has made me feel lonely, miserable, and trapped. I have lost many friends over IBS, and it is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend because I can not go on normal dates or to his house. I haven't been able to have a steady job so I have a small business editing videos for companies out of the comfort of my home. I have no idea what is going to come of my future and it looks pretty bleak unless I can find a way to control this. Maybe I should go back to school. Maybe I should get a real job. I want to, but just thinking of how my stomach might ruin it prevents me. I am stuck.I don't know if this post has a point to it. I think I started it hoping there would be some sort of message, but I think all it has turned into is a depressing tale of how IBS has controlled me since I was 12.


hi JB thank you for sharing your story with us... i am sure you will get some responses to help you. are you on any medication or special diet. maitland


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