# Chronic Illness and Sex



## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

I hope this issue isn't too contentious for this forum!







I was just wondering how other sufferers of CFS/ME and/or FM deal with the issue of intimacy and sex with your partner.In my experience, both from taking antidepressants and from the CFS/ME I have a totally non-existant libido and my partner is constantly sulking about it.







I realise how frustrating it must be, being the partner of someone with this illness, but it doesn't matter how many times I try to talk to him and reassure him that its not a 'personal' reason why I don't feel like sex, more a medical one....well he still doesn't seem to get it....Im absolutely sick to death of telling him about the CFS/ME, sending him emails and shoving medical text books under his nose.Like clock work at least once a week he becomes very moody and I get silent treatment until he has me in tears. Aslo he bugs me night and day constantly about it - which is tiring in itself.As a healthy person he doesn't seem to understand that an action or event one day can have an effect upto a week later on my body. if I'm too tired I am made to feel as if I'm being the nastiness person in the world....I end up feeling guilty as if I am being selifsh when I know I am not.







I was wondering if any other sufferer out there, had a similar experience and any advice you could give me.Clair


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

what sex?lol,i still have a sex drive,but ive been impotent for quite a few mounths now.its very frustating for both of us,but we keep active anyway,its just too important to us.as a man,i can see your partners point of view.if your shes in the mood,its very much like a rejection for him,even tho it may not be.it takes a lot of maturity for a man to not take it personaly.i really hope you can work it out,its a difficult subject,even for a healthy couple.


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Clair, I can empathize with you. I've felt like this for many years. As you said combine the meds, pain & fatigue and anything else that goes along with our disability and sex is the last thing on my mind. I found my fm got worst after an intimate evening with hubby. As for the meds that can affect your libido your doctor might be able to substitute another med that doesn't affect it as much. I can't add much more than this, but know that I understand what you are going through.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

I understand what you are saying too. I have also noticed a big change in my libido especially this past year when things have really gotten worse. It is frustrating. Not only for spouse, but for us too! Good info shared so far, I don't really have any advice for your spouse, but my advice to you is not to be hard on yourself. If you only have 5 energy points for the day you've got to be REAL careful how you spend them. Eef, wish there was an easy answer. I guess just take advantage of the good times, even if they're few and far between?


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

they took away our edit option!silly...thats spose to read"if your NOT in the mood"i dont know what i was thinking,seldom do.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

LOL I didn't even notice until you pointed it out. I read it as "she's not in the mood"...How sad is _THAT_?! You what they say Denny, birds of a feather and all that


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

No problem Denny. I'm like MrsM I didn't notice it until you brought it up. Isn't it funny that us fm'ers seem to understand each other. Okay, what is this edit function that I keep reading about? I read it on the meeting place and can't figure out what it is.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

Weener, we're like twins who have their own language! lol Remember Nell? Yep, that's us! LOL


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## celticlady (Aug 6, 2001)

Clair-I understand what you are saying,completely. I have told my husband many,many times that if we PLAN AHEAD so I can take a nice,relaxing bath and take pain meds 1 hr before,that we can have a.....well,a rockin' good time







Sadly,he refuses and wants to be "spontaneous" and so we just wind up not making love at all,which is a big part contributing to the demise of our marriage....





















Love,understanding and COMUNICATION are the keys to good intimacy....for those of you who have partners who are willing to work with you,thank your lucky stars. It makes me so sad,since we used to have a WONDERFUL,passionate love life not so long ago.....he has untreated depression so that is also a huge factor.Wont see MD,it makes me so sad...Good luck,Clair,many of us have this same issue.Celtic


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## mamamia (Jan 21, 2000)

My hubby is basically a good guy. Trust me I'm rarely in the mood anymore, but I go along with him anyway. There's too much other stuff I say no too.It's a lot easier to go along if you're the woman!Actually I kind of like the intimacy of it, it makes me warm.....love and light to all, m-


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

sex?? Don't remember what that is.







Been in so much pain from ibs lately and the problem I posted on the womens forum about having a really light period each month a couple times for 5 months now even though I had a hysterectomy over 1 1/2 years ago. And that since they hyst every time we had sex I would bleed for a day and it was very very painful.I would say my hubby is somewhat understanding. He hates it, we used to go at it like rabbits a couple times a day every day, but now it's pretty much non existent. I think the last time we had sex was sometime in October. Pretty sad since we are only each 31 and we just had our 12th wedding anniversary November 24th. Everytime I think I want to go through the pain and have sex with him because my day was ok so far by the time we go to bed at night I'm in more pain from the whole day. I just can't win.


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## weener (Aug 15, 2000)

Sandi, have you gone back to your gyno re: the bleeding after sex? I'm just concerned for you. I don't want to scare you, but it doesn't sound right and you might want to check it out.


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## SLBEL3 (Jun 1, 2000)

Hi weener, thanks for the concern. My gyno is useless. I'm trying to find another. If you think that is bad though go check out my post under the womens forum. Got lots of stuff going on now in that department.


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## DonnaDB (Jan 13, 2001)

Wow.. I couldn't have written this post to be anymore like MY life if I had tried!! My husband thinks, talks, walks, breathes sex 24/7.. I; however, NEVER even think about sex and have a NEGATIVE libido!! I'm doing good to get through my day (working full time as a speech therapist at a school for autistic children, being a mom, housekeeper, taxi driver, laundry specialist, nutritionalist etc. etc-ha, ha) and the VERY LAST thing that I want to even think about putting my body through at the end of the day is sex!! My husband still pouts and acts as if his feelings are so hurt but I can't help it.. He knows the drill. If he can't deal with it and he feels that sex is more important to him than the other areas of our life, then I guess he will have to make some major decisions!! Sex takes too much out of me physically and takes away from the LITTLE rest that I DO get. I'm not trying to be selfish, just realistic..


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

I definitely know where you guys are coming from. I have a question though, on a good day, if you do become intimate with your partner, does it ever make you feel more "normal"? Like remind you that you are still an attractive individual? That even though you're so sick someone is still interested in you that way? Just curious, because for me I've found it to work both ways. Sometimes makes me feel worse, sometimes better.


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

ho donna!im sorry,but being the minority gender around here i just have to stick up for your husband.i dont know how old he is,but for a young man sex seems like the most important thing in the world.even for an older man he would have to be a saint to go without altogether.you say,if sex is more important than other aspects of your life,but it goes much deeper than that.a man has a BIOLOGICAL NEED FOR SEX!i know you feel bad,but your putting all this on him,he has to do without or else.thats wacko.i suggest you seek professional help.you have no idea how humiliateing it is for a man to express his need and be treated like hes being silly.sex is a nusence,i wish i never had any drive at all.


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

ok,i think i embarested myself.sorry for the outburst,just please get some help with this before you make any hasty decisions.


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## DonnaDB (Jan 13, 2001)

Denny,I think that whole bit about men having a BIOLOGICAL NEED FOR SEX is nothing but a bunch of BS!! I have been married for 19 years and I don't think that he has any plans to leave now.. Donna


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

(((hugs))) to both of you...Denny, don't be embarrassed - You're a great guy. Donna, while you may not be a great guy you're great never the less







hahaha I'm cracking myself up







(((mega hugs)))


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

BS huh?ok,whatever.if hes not happy now,just give him awhile.


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## moldie (Sep 25, 1999)

I was just thinking about this post last night when we were having sex, as a matter of fact (we both were awake and couldn't sleep). I recall the post being here, and me just passing on commenting at the time. Now I see it here; top of the list, so I guess I'll comment on it this time. (Sometimes, I just don't have it in me to comment on something, kinda like I don't have it in me to have sex sometimes














).I have thought a lot about what squrts said before he even said it. Just to clarify denny, are you saying you have come to the conclusion that "sex is a nuisance" for you, or are you saying that for some women, sadly, sex is a nuisance?I have heard that sex is a biological need for men. I have come to the conclusion that I believe that to be true, however much I wish that it wasn't. Sometimes I do think that sex is just a nuisance that I would rather not deal with. However, I do have the need for intimacy too. I don't think the actual act of intercourse is that important to me, however. I could use a little more foreplay in the social sharing department first. Then, I think that it would come more naturally to me. Clair, I wonder if you might consider telling your partner sometimes if it would be alright if you skip the penetration part. I think for some of us (women anyway) that this is the part that is physically uncomfortable for us fmers. Pressure against any part of our body seems to cause pain for us. I have found that my husband is okay with this. He just keeps a towel handy. I wouldn't worry about the "spilling seed" thing (which I don't ascribe to, especially under these circumstances. With old married couples essentially this happens anyway, penetration or not, when they can't conceive anymore. Then there's birth control, which is "wasting" seed as well).Another problem we seem to have is more frequent infections perhaps than others. This would probably minimize the chance of those as well. I don't ask my husband to do this on a regular basis, but when I am feeling like I have a little more drainage/discomfort, I do request this practice.Then, yes, there is the fatigue issue. I guess I try and make sure that at least once a week I "go to bed" when I am not tired. I can always get up afterwards. I wonder if the guys have any opinions on how often they feel they "have to have sex." It seems if my husband doesn't get it at least once a week he pouts. So, that is how often I am willing. It seems to take about this long for my body to get back to "normal" again too.There are many times I find myself saying that I wish I didn't have to "do it" anymore. I am willing in the interest of my marriage to continue, however, because I know it is of great need to my husband. I am in great need of this marriage because I am not working now and would find it very difficult to support myself. This is what makes it feel like a "whore". (I think I eluded to this notion before in another post/rather came right out and said it). Funny, never felt like this when I was working. He's a good guy though. Other than the fact that there is not as much communication or "fun" and romance in our marriage that I would like, we get along well.Anyway, that is my 2 cents worth.


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

UM,I was thinking the same thing. That there are alternatives to intercourse that still allow for the same "end results". I think that's a good point you made, because you're right, usually the intercourse part is what carries the potential to be uncomfortable. Yay rah for so many smart folks in the CFS/FM forum!


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## squrts (Aug 14, 2000)

yes unmoulded,i mean sex is a nuisance to me.i can see how many fights could have been avoided,we would have had a better marrage a long time ago(23yrs in febuary).of course men do have it in them to control such urges,and too often do not.we somehow feel if we`re in need,then she should be too.now that im older i see how much #### that is!unfortunatly most men are raised that way.if we put more energy into understanding each other,im sure the sex would be better than either of us could imagen.i dont want any woman to hurt because of sex,but there are things that can be done in love and intimacy that will satisfy both partys if only both are willing to try.


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## Clair (Sep 16, 2000)

hmmm its a difficult issue for sure....Even though I often feel too tired for full sex, I still try and participate in other intimate ways - which although sometimes is fine with my boyfriend - it is the actual penetration and full on sex that he's missing out on.I can see where Denny is coming from and perhaps for men it is an important biological part of their life, so I don't think we should be bashing him for putting forward an alternative view on the issue







My grumble is not that lack of sex upsets my boyfriend, it is that he can not see it as anything other than a personal rejection...What he fails to see is that I would love to be a healthy 29 year old, having sex with him like a bunch of rabbits







I am just trapped into a body that doesn't do what I want it to do....and sooner or later I always pay for it.If only there was a shop that you could go purchase a new body at, now thats a fabulous idea







Clair


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2003)

Don't want to incur the wrath of anyone here, but sex, inclusive of deep orgasms with my husband, actually makes me feel better and relieves pain.Evie


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## Guest (Jan 19, 2003)

P.S.And I am a woman, but I definitely have a biological and emotional need for deep satisfying sex with my husband. In fact, for me, it's akin to life. Without it, I become depressed, in even more pain and generally a real ######...







I will admit that I am not the firecracker that I used to be and I often have to work at it a little harder, and sometimes am so "exhausted afterwards" that I don't schedule much else for the day..... but I still see fireworks... and as long as I can keep doin'it.... I'm gonna do it. 50 and goin' strong in that arena. My reading about the subject tell me that deep sexual intimacy with someone you love on a regular basis is both therapeutic and healing. I can vouch for that. Without it, I fear I would be a whole lot sicker than I am. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually......... Deep, emotional intimacy interlaced with blended orgasms keeps me alive.Sorry.... that's just me, I guess.Evie


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