# Please just let me die



## Poo Pea 2

I just want to die, please put me out of the misery that is my life.I dont even have $1. I have nothing. I have no fuel in my car, no food in my cupboard and $500 debt and $0 in my other account. I have a job interview tomorrow but how do i get there with no fuel.Let me just go to bed one night and never wake up again or wake up to a different life.......... i think i give up


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## SpAsMaN*

Poopea,do you have a family member that could help in this difficult time?I assume you have social security in Australia.Take it one day at the time.Better days ahead i promise.


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## Screamer

Poo sweetie, Spas is right. There's Centrelink. I know they suck but if you have no money they can help you out! If not there's always the Salvation Army or St Vincent De Paul who can help you out with some food vouchers at least until you get centrelink organized. And please hun, if you are feeling this badly call someone! Lifeline are wonderful, I've called them in the past when I separated from my husband. The numbers 13 11 14. Then get yourself to a doctor as soon as you can. You cannot go on feeling like this.


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## Poo Pea 2

Hi Spas and Screamer, Thank you so much for talking to me, i really need someone to talk to at the moment. I think i cried for quite a few hours this morning. The thing is I am on centrelink, i get youth allowance but thats only 240 a week. You know after you pay your bills, rent, food, petrol etc there is nothing left and you have used your credit card to top up what was missing. There is no way to break even unless I have a job. Im trying so hard there too, i have a trial as a waitress tomorrow night, bar girl in one week and an interview tomorrow. I want work so bad.I agree that i need help, i feel aweful. I have another Dr appointment on Fri to get to a psych, ive borrowed some money off my ex (which really sucked, but i needed it) so i could eat and put fuel in my car. Im also seeing my dad tomorrow. I prob do need a still in a psych ward but i fear it would only serve to make me feel worse. I need the Dr to get a mental health plan so i can afford the psych, i have rung the psych but cant get in for 1 month. Im kinda doing all i can. Im also trying to fill my time with friends so im not alone. I just dont know anymore.Thank you again though for talking to me!!!!!!!!!! It means ALOT. Dont worry i would never suicide, i guess sometimes i just wish i never woke up.Poo pea


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## Guest

Poo - I've sent you a PM darling.Sue xxx


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## Cherrie

{{{PooPea}}}I am so so sorry to read your post...







... And so sorry that with the probably 13 plus hour time difference, i wasn't able to be there for you when you were feeling this way...I know exactly how it feels like wishing never to wake up or waking up in a different life... been there (although for a different reason)... BUT, please please don't give up -- please don't -- I know it may sound like impossible, but like Amy and Spas said, please do go and see if you could find help both from social welfare and from a medical facility. It's true that it doesn't feel good having to resort to these, but they really are able to help you get through a time like this. (Edit, I see you're already on centrlink... would it be possible to find another source?)Also, I'm not sure if in your country there are places like a young people's home that are provided for youth or young adults in difficult situations? If you do, you might also want to go seek help from them. I totally understand that it doesn't feel good to have to go to places like this, but really, PooPea, if you can get help from them, that's an option, too.And, if it's at all practical, please do tell your dad about your situation and see if they can help. For the interview, would it be possible for you to find a friend who could either get you there or loan you some fuel?And please please do call the lifeline people as Amy suggested -- one might imagine that these people could only offer emotional comfort, while in fact maybe they DO have connections to offer you some practical help. Or they may be able to get you connected with someone who can help you to get both financial and medical/psychological help.Cherrie


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## ABaillie

I agree atm with PooPea...I have a bottle of ativan and a bottle of imovane I could take right now, and never have to worry about this again.


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## Cherrie

ABaillie,PLEASE DO GO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP! And please please don't feel that way -- if you have read through more posts by PooPea, you WILL find that she has come through and is able to reach the end of the tunnel -- I am sure that she does NOT regret having given life a chance! And many of us have been there, but we've all come through -- and YOU can, too! Please do take a look at the following link -- there you will find websites to visit and phone numbers to call and please call them IMMEDIATELY: http://www.ibsgroup.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=71753We are all of us here for you and please please do not despair and do give life a chance and you, like many of us, WON'T regret it.Cherrie


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## ABaillie

I just don't see the point. I've got no one I can rely on, I'm more than likely going to be homeless at the end of the month, I've got no family or friends I can rely on. I just don't want to go on.


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## overitnow

Andrew,I absolutely know where you are coming from and I have had that thought in many different contexts throughout my life. It wouldn't have mattered had I done it; but I would have deprived myself of the joy of watching my kids turn into adults, finding a wife who seems likely to love and be loved into our old age, enjoy the satisfaction of once again being able to love and live life as if there is no tomorrow, and get to fill in the blanks of so many things I wanted to do in my youth but had neither the ability nor the money to accomplish. It took until I was in my 50s to really find contentment; and now, about to turn 63 and fresh from another assault on the small mountain in back of our house, it has been worth the wait.Give it a chance. Then, give it another.Mark


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## Guest

Andrew - I can only echo what Mark has said and what I've been trying to say in our PM's - I think if you take a snapshot of your life now - yes it stinks - mine did back in March 2006 - but I really do stop in my tracks - just so many times - and think "yes, but what IF....." - and like Mark - there have been so many wonderful things that have happened to me since that terrible, black time. When you are stuck in a black hole, life does seem impossible and unbearable but you have to remember that things change all the time, day to day, minute by minute - I would honestly stake my life on that promise that life WILL get better than this and I really think the mess that you'd leave behind would be unbearable for those who care about you.Remember - you can PM me any, any time.Sue


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## ABaillie

I appreciate the reassurance's from all of you. I took an ativan late last night to calm me down a little. Helped somewhat, but I'm still in the gutter as far as moods go.


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## Guest

Keep plugging away Andrew - have you started taking the new meds yet??Sue


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## ABaillie

I started taking the 50mg of zoloft yesterday, whether its going to work or not...I...dunno.


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## Guest

Give it chance - remember it might take 6/8 weeks for any real noticeable effect.All the bestSue


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## ABaillie

Sadly, I don't think I have 6-8 weeks anymore. 3-4 more at the most, than I'm more than likely going to be without a home.


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## Guest

Andrew, forgive me, cos as you know, I'm a Brit - but don't you have social housing in Canada - you cannot be left on the streets surely (though of course in my line of work, depressingly its often young, single blokes who are left sleeping rough)? Do you not have any family who could put you up - if only for a week or so whilst you try and sort yourself out. If your mental health is so precarious - this is the last thing you need isn't it - can social services (or your equivalent) not help with a hostel or bed and breakfast - anything. If you are feeling like self-harming - then I'd say your family doctor at the very least might have some sway in terms of emergency housing options?Hang in there - there must be something somebody can do - I truly hope so.Sue


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## ABaillie

I'm with family right now, its them who want me out at the end of the month. My mom wants me to stay, but my dad, is from a different generation. Which is one of the problems that set me off yesterday. He tries to compare everything in my life to his life. He has celiacs, when he first got it, he tells me he still worked with it. When he first had it, he never had diarrhea, he never had to push people out of the way to get to a bathroom. And even now, he thinks its hard to live cause he can't eat gluten. Atleast he gets to know what his trigger food is. I can't even start to figure out whats bringing on mine in terms of food.As for the social services, I've been in one of those places before when I was younger...I'm safer on the streets, unless much has changed.


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## Guest

Well surely he won't want to see you on the streets will he - or am I being hopelessly naive?? Can you not have abit of a conversation - explain you're on these new anti-depressants and can he not at least give you a chance to see how you go on with those?Sue


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## ABaillie

Its hard to tell with my dad...I can't say for certain that he wants me out, though he's made it pretty obvious my welcome here is wearing thin, but its definitely the feeling he puts out. He thinks I'm wasting my time because I'm not following him in his footsteps, (wanted me to be an electrician like him.)Its not helping that the stomach issues interfere with my sleep either, in the last 4 months, I haven't slept for more than 4 hours straight, and its really wearing on me. I've been prescribed Imovane, but that tends to only keep me sleepy for 3-4 hours.


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## Guest

So it sounds as if there is alot of "unsaid" dialogue going on between you - I think perhaps abit of a frank conversation might be best for all parties - at least then you know where you stand. No child can be a carbon copy of its parent can it - I'm sure he's proud of you for what you've accomplished - you are a trained chef aren't you?You have my deepest sympathy re deprived sleep - that alone can make the world seem a right strange place - I went without ANY sleep for 5 months - not nice I can tell you. Perhaps you'll get more rest when/if this antidepresant kicks in - certainly if the edge is taken off the hightened anxiety that might well help abit. I suppose you have to try all the old standbys - regular bedtime, hot bath before bed, milky drink etc etc and try and train yourself into good sleep patterns though I know that easier said than done. I did get some short-term relief for insomnia with acupuncture - but I don't know how much that might cost and if indeed you could get access to something like that?I suppose I'm just kicking ideas around - keep in touch won't you?And Poo - since this was your thread - how are things with you??Sue


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## Cherrie

AndrewI completely agree with Sue. Maybe it would be helpful to sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your Dad when you both calm down? Just let him know that you love him and respect him, but for now you can only be yourself (not what he wants you to be) -- and you will be the best that you can. And for your stamoch -- I totally understand how frustrating it feels -- maybe you could remind your dad of how frustrating it must have been for him before he found out he has celiac? What you want to do when talking with him is to establish (1) your love and respect for him and how you long for his love and understanding (this usually can get people to listen to what you have to say), and (2) empathy from him so that he could better understand how you're feeling at this moment. You may also reassure him that you're doing your best to find treatments that will work for you at this moment -- and you need some more time because (1) it takes time for meds to work and (2) you have not been as lucky as him to find that triggers your symptoms -- and it does take time for you to be able to figure things out. So, this way, your dad may be able to understand and empathize with you better and therefore you two may have a more improved relationship and so you'll be able to stay longer.You have my totally empathy with insomnia -- have you tried any sustained release prescriptions? like Lunesta (sp?) or something? with the sustained release versions, it keeps you sleep the whole night. Do ask your dr for it.Hope you feel better soon and hope this stuff with your dad will resolve soon.Cherrie


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## ABaillie

We've tried the sit down, everytime its just become a shouting match between us. He's set in his ways unfortunately. Its always been that way. Even when I was still just a kid. I remember when I was 13, lying at home with a broken leg...he would still try tell me it would be good for me to be working (at the time I was a bus boy in a restaurant, clean/set tables etc.) Which is alot of walking around, and when I had that, I was on crutches to walk...and yet his suggestion sounded like a walk-it-off type.I've been prescribed Imovane to help me sleep, which...hasn't done much...at the most a full pill keeps me asleep for 4 hours at the most...and its advised not to take more than one at a time. I've talked to them about Ambien before, but...I'm afraid of getting something like that and have it become habit forming.I try to do some yoga before bed, relaxed breathing and all that jazz. Sometimes it helps, sometime it doesn't.And Poo, how are you doing? Sorry to ninja your thread.


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## Cherrie

HiI'm sorry the sit down style didn't work for you. If he's so set in his ways, maybe you could try and ignore him for now? (I know it's hard, but you want to stay, so you might want to give this a try). And I totally know this kind of people who think if you are still breathing then you should be working. Last time in this kind of scenario what worked for me was that I just pulled a calm but serious face with a matter-of-fact-no-I'm-not-wrong expression but without anger, said, "Look, I understand that's what you wish, but here's my reality and unless I get pass this moment of my reality, I simply can't do what you think I can." And then I just stopped speaking. It pretty much shut the other person up and although I didn't feel as pleasant as I would if I was understood, at least I had peace and quiet and the conflict didn't escalate. Try this with him if you haven't already. Sometimes people like this never stop unless you stop and so if you stop their blah blah blahs basically have nowhere to go, which will make them stop and go do something else.A sustained lease version of a sleep aid is different from the usual prescription sleep aid in that it releases its strength as time goes on, so basically your body is medicated all the 8 hr through. Is Imovane already a sustained release type? If not go check with your dr. Yoga and medication are good. Try it! And I'll join you and Sue to say 'hi" to Poo, too Cherrie


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## Cherrie

P.S. -- yoga and meditation (sorry I spelled it wrong in my last msg) depend a lot on how much you can calm down. And I feel that your biggest concern is that you need to calm down. Is there a therapist you can go to help you calm down and/or talk about how you feel and what you're going through? Therapists can be of great help.


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## Guest

OK so a conversation is out of the question or not productive - I think you said your mum was around - could she mediate or failing that - you might be able to get somewhere with mediation services - again, that will depend on what your local resources are in that department. I've had some success with clients - particularly in a marital breakdown - but I can't see why they couldn't intervene in your situation too. Other than that - its going to have to be a "wish list" - write down that you want to discuss before you do so.I've never heard of the medication Cherrie suggests - I wish I had known about this when I had the battle of insomnia.Sue


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## ABaillie

Its just with him, he seems to thinking working would keep my mind occupied, but what he fails to realize, is at my old job, sometime I would have to hold in going to the bathroom for 4-6 hours if we were really busy...right now...thats not much of an option. So he tells me to find another job, but...i've never done anything other than be a cook...except a short stint as a customer service rep, which I hated with a passion after the first week.And as far as I know, the meds Cherrie was talking about, are fairly recent ones unless I'm mistaken. As for Imovane, no, its strength only goes at the time of its dose. Its a mild hypnotic.


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