# feel so hopeless



## mbolay (Aug 19, 2004)

I used to love people, but now I don't seem to like anyone; actually I just feel paranoid and mistrustful of everyone. Everyone and everything seems to get on my nerves. I just want to be alone. Occasionally, I bathe and fix my hair and put on my makeup and go around people. They all say I am beautiful and look so young. It makes me feel good just for a bit. Then I go back to hiding. When someone happens by and they see me looking like this, you can see the shock on their faces. No one really knows how extremely depressed I am. I cover it up pretty well when I am around people. I graduated with honors at age 51. Got hired for a wonderful job, but just couldn't start it. Had to drive about 4 hours away for training and that paniced me. Working with new people paniced me. Blood pressure went sky high and diarrhea became even worse. I wanted to just curl up in bed and never come out. Some people have said I am lazy because I won't work. I am not lazy, I am just scared of everything, can't cope, and after battling depression, ptsd, social phobia, and IBS for most of my life, I just can't fight it anymore. I have given up and just let it take over.


----------



## california123 (Jun 8, 2003)

It sounds like you need to see a psychiatrist and get on some anti-anxiety/anti-depressant meds that will give you the confidence to move ahead. I take Xanax and Effexor and together they stop the D and give me a positive outlook on life. It sounds like you have the drive--going back to school is not easy--so maybe you just need some help for awhile so you can get your body under control and have less to worry about. Take care.


----------



## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

Don't give up. I agree with California. You are a courageous person to go back to school and graduating. Many would love do do that but it takes so much of a person to do it, congrats to you for doing it. Mybe you need a bit of help for the moment to get you trhough this, asking for some help maybe a good idea.


----------



## sadone (Dec 17, 2003)

no, you're not lazy at all...but that's what people think when someone doesn't do things the 'normal' way...like i took time off from school before going back to finish my degree and people thought i was lazy and a slacker...not everyone is an energizer bunny that can just keep going full-tilt all day every day...sounds like you're in a slump and a bad one...but definitely not a hopeless one.







also sounds like you understand your depression, have a good handle on it...so are you seeing anyone about it? or taking anything for it?another thing, do you have any close family or friends? 'support network'? as for the everyone getting on your nerves thing, i was totally feeling that way a couple of months ago...but i feel much better now...i think i'm just looking at people differently...maybe caring less about the silly, unimportant things...or caring more about the things i SHOULD care about...i think i've learned to better dedicate my time--'invest' in things i like and people i appreciate...


----------



## mbolay (Aug 19, 2004)

Thank you all for your kind words. When I went to college, I went through Voc. Rehab. My rehab counselor called me yesterday. I think they just have to do a routine check on their former clients. I told her about the problems I am having and how I have been unable to work. I was so shocked and pleased when she helped me get an appointment for counseling and also with a gastroenterologist. And they are paying for it all. At least I have a little hope now.


----------



## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Hey givinup--Don't give up--OK? I remember that after I finished grad school I went through a real depression. It was scary getting into that world of work and worrying about everything else, (like IBS). That is so terrific that voc rehab is paying for a counselor and GI. By the way, I'm an Okie too! I've heard good things about the voc rehab program.


----------



## mbolay (Aug 19, 2004)

I was married to a man 12 years younger than myself. He got strung out on drugs and abused me physically, emotionally, and sexually. I divorced him several years ago, but he always keeps coming back and begging me to take him back. He got off the drugs, but is an alcoholic. I didn't have any way of paying my bills, so I let him come back in June. He has been doing really good and treating me good. But a few days ago, one of his old aquaintances showed up. Now he is back on the drugs and psychotic. So I told him to leave today and not come back. Of course, now I am left with the utility bills and no way to pay them. So I am even more depressed than ever. I called a friend and asked her to please come over because I need to talk. But she is very co-dependent and won't leave her significant other alone for even half an hour. So I am feeling like I don't have anybody.


----------



## Tiss (Aug 22, 2000)

Maybe you could go to an Al-Anon group?


----------

