# Love, Lost, and Not Wanting to Eat



## LexiP (Apr 29, 2003)

Hello all,I figure this is as good a place to write this, as you guys will all know the extra physical stresses that come along with what is going on.I had a wonderful boyfriend. Everything was perfect except he lived 3532 miles away, and he did not want to think about marriage for about five years. Ok. So everything was far from perfect. But I love him terribly.And needed more. There is a line in a Kelly Clarkson song, "And if I can make it through the tears and the laughter, will it be beautiful, or just a beautiful disaster?" I guess this is one of those beautiful disasters.I hate to say I did what everyone says is a natural inclination with such distance. But I had not been kissed or touched for six months. And my boyfriend had not been flirting or affectionate with me.And I made a choice, I fully made the choice, and everyone who knows me knows that I haven't inhibitions to lower by alcohol, it was me who made the choice. And I probably made the choice before I left the house. I know I did. I wanted to go dancing, to get out the sexual energy that was haunting me.But instead I went to a friends house. And by the end of the night made out with a guy who is not, was not, will probably not be my boyfriend. A convenient stranger, who I have little fear of actually wanting me long term.My boyfriend is my best friend. And I woke up, went home, and called him. And being the wonderful man he is, he wants to be my best friend. And says that he has done worse.And my friends are not angry or admonishing. They understand my simple need, "I needed to be kissed." And maybe there was so much more then that.But I am sad, and ashamed. I am low, and base.And I can not stand to eat. Perhaps I am punishing myself. Or perhaps it is the movement in my face that makes me need to cry, or the tenseness in my throat that makes it hard to swallow.And I remember something my mother said to me once, "Do something about this before you kill yourself."So I am forcing myself to eat.Everything seems surreal. I don't want to speak. I want to be silent. I want to write.Nothing that has happened has had to do with love. I have not lost my best friend.I have lost myself.~Alexis Parker


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## xwatchxyouxdream (Apr 28, 2003)

Wow you are a hopeless romantic aren't you? Cheer up emo kid!


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## betagirl (Oct 12, 2002)

LexiP, I know what it's like to date a guy long distance. It's so hard, and the guy and I are no longer together. We still talk though via email and IM. It was rough at first, I won't lie.We all make mistakes. I slipped with my first boyfriend, who was phenomenal in retrospect. I wanted to "see what else was out there". I was young (18), not sure how old you are now. I felt horrible for what I did, and I know I hurt him. It sounds like yours has been forgiving with you though? If so, please don't beat yourself up over it. Instead learn from what you're feeling and don't do it any more. Usually it takes us experiencing something like this to figure out that we shouldn't do it. It doesn't make it right, it just makes us human.Hang in there!And WMD, I just want to smack you for your reply. It makes your "apology" thread worthless if you continue to belittle others problems while you're in some sort of eternal crisis. Grow up already.


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## Jupiter119 (Aug 8, 2001)

ErWMD..I think the emo kid is you.***You see them lurking in chat rooms, making fun of those who like mainstream music. You see them on message boards, shamelessly promoting their favorite indie bands and projecting an elitist attitude toward everyone who doesn't like those bands. You even stumble upon their Livejournals sometimes, and after reading two or three entries, discover that they'd love to have you think that their lives are the most tragic things in existence. Yes, they are emo kids, and their proliferation of the internet is becoming more and more alarming each day; there is nothing we can do to stop the influx. So why not take the easy way out and become one? You'll be respected and even admired among your emo contemporaries, but only if you follow a certain set of unspoken rules. Break any of them and you'll be called a "poseur" faster than you can come up with a screename that has too many X's.*** Above info from Amazon.com







I'm far too old to be on this forum!!


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## betagirl (Oct 12, 2002)

Touche Jupiter, touche.


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## LexiP (Apr 29, 2003)

Thanks Beta. And yes, I am a hopeless romantic WMD. Some call me a tragic romantic. Honestly, in this case I was acting opposite of that part of me. I did something basically emotionless.Beta, the thing is, I don't have a problem with what i did, but more around how I went about it. Yet at the same time, I can't peice together anyway to go about it. I am 24 now, and this is not my first "great love" nor will it be my last. He is being amazingly forgiving, and perhaps that is what unsettles me and makes me feel even worse. If I were in his place I probably would call me bad names or be terribly angry. He just seems....resigned to save our friendship.I figured out that distraction is an excellent tool at the moment. I was able to eat as normal by eating with a coworker who I could easil guide conversation with and would not discuss the topic at mind for me.Jupiter, lol. . .fortunately I am not anything like that string you described. I am a traditional hopeless romantic who gets lost in romance novels and sappy movies. My life is far from tragic really, in all respects it is the fact that it is far from tragic that gets boring at times. lol.







It helped to write the post though. And don't worry anyone, I don't field belittled or anything by told I am emotional. lol. Go out there and find the poem "Emotional Idiot" by Maggie Estep (hint, try MaggieEstep.com) That describes me pretty well.My friend sarah recently said, "Alexis, having you is like keeping a lion as a pet. You need alot of attention but must be handled with extreme care."







Beautiful day isn't it?Alexis Parker


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## erin5983 (Mar 25, 2003)

Isn't it weird how sometimes actions that you feel will end up hurting others end up killing you even more? But you're human, and everyone makes mistakes...be glad that you have someone who is willing to forgive you for your slip-up, because it means that he thinks you're worth it.







It's a rough situation though...what you're in truly is LOOOOONG distance, and it's understandable that you would get lonely-- anyone on this board can understand loneliness, I'm sure. Don't beat yourself up too much over this one, because it looks like it's taught you a lesson that you probably won't forget. And good for you for telling your boyfriend, because a lot of people probably wouldn't have the guts to admit that to the person they love. I hope you're cheering up


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## earthgarden (Jun 3, 2003)

Well now, I am too old to be here, can't even think why I am here, but I am and now I feel compelled to reply.When you are really, really, truly, deeply in love, you do not feel the need to have a sexual encounter with anyone other than the person you really love and who loves you in return. There is no substitute.It sounds like both you and he just need someone you can trust to be kind. It is love, just not the one and only.Be an emo kid if you wish. An emo kid is one who is exploring their emotions. Hopefully though, they won't get to tangled up!!


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## LexiP (Apr 29, 2003)

Earthgarden,Unfortunately, I can not disclaim what you say one way or another, especially in the state I am in.I know one thing. I love him. I do not know if it is the one and only love. I do not know if it is the friendship only love. I only know it is love, and a great love. I do not know if that matters at all.I am doing...fair. I was very ill yesterday with stomach nauseuousness....go figure. And I find out today that James is home with stomach problems as well. (He is allergic to meat, and I have noticed he has as sensitive a stomach as mine.)I can't undo what is done. I just have to regain that trust, continue the honest, and hold on to the love he is giving me, whether I deserve it or not.~Alexis P.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

Unfortunately, sometimes we make mistakes. We are only human after all. But we live and learn. I would grasp on to the love he is showing you and try not to punish yourself over one little mistake. Everyone needs to feel love, its human nature. If you have explained what happened to him, and he is okay with that. Then i would run with it!Good luck.Nikki


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## Meg04 (Mar 9, 2003)

Alexis,I thought I'd put my 2 cents in.. my boyfriend moved 3000 miles away to LA 3 months after we met (we decided to stay committed). A year and half later he came back, and continued his studies here. 3 weeks after his return we got a place together (a very small place!), and the transition was too much, our relationship disintegrated. We gave up our apartment 6 months later when he decided to do a summer internship back in LA. Before he moved (after we had made our decision to spilt temporarily), I became involved *involved* with another guy, and continued to be so for a couple of months. Now here I am, tomorrow I'm off to LA for 4 days. Who knows? My transgression's was more serious, but the circumstances, long distance, etc. are extreme. The problems can't be solved simply by removing the distance. There's the whole re-integration aspect of things. I'm sure you love him, but maybe you were confused or lonely or whatever, it can be hard to decide whether someone is worth "waiting for" whether you are riding off of a feeling, nostalgia, true love.. I honestly think you only put your toe over the line... I admire your honesty with your guy. I told my man as well.. ultimately he respects me for the honesty, and we'll see what happens. I don't mean to sound like an apologist, but if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.It's super difficult to comment on a "dynamic" because (case-and-point) it involves two people, and no outsider can ultimately comprehend the situation or really have a sense of the other's perspective. I'm not talking marriage counselling or anything that serious..


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## iambalthazar (Mar 14, 2003)

My goodness, this is completely off the topic, but these little Avitar Icons are hilarious. I got caught up in that while reading. Hehehe.


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## LexiP (Apr 29, 2003)

Meg,Thank you for your compassionate post. You are right, in the grand scheme of things this is a single experience in what I feel will be a life long relationship.Many in this thread have said something along the lines of, "HOpefully you will learn from this."And I want you all to know I am learning many beautiful things. Most of all, I have discovered that my James has an amazingly large heart and an overall forgiving nature. He is a strong man.In the past week and a half, James and I have gone from distraught to centered on the important thing: being friends, real friends who love each other and support each other.I have found a new sort of freedom. A freedom to love without the pressures of "what ifs" and "why nots." I love this current state that our relationship has found itself in. Yes, I have to rebuild his trust of me, but that is something I know I can do with patience and love.Thats all. I have found peace with myself, and James. All is good with us. And my stomach is better too.







~Alexis Parker


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