# Dealing with boyfriend's grief



## amandelis (Sep 23, 2003)

Hi everyone,I'm really hoping some of you can offer some words of advice or encouragement.Last week my boyfriend found out that one of his closest friends has committed suicide. He was asked to be a pallbearer at her funeral, which is today. Needless to say this has caused all sorts of problems for us, ones that we never would have thought would come up.I'm trying to be sensitive to his needs: he can call me any time today on my cell phone if he needs me after the funeral (I'm not allowed to go; it's by invitation only). But last night we talked on the phone and he was so upset he began questioning the nature of my love for him. I love him more than anyone I've ever been with romantically and that he had doubts about it really hurt me. It seems to me that maybe he worries that since one person in his life is gone, he will lose others. I want to drop this issue when I see him later today, because it seems pointless to go on and on about it when I know he loves me and I love him (and deep down, even if he's denying it to himself in the wake of his friend's death, he knows this). When I woke up this morning I had to run to the bathroom with terrible D. It's having such an effect on me! Has anyone else ever gone through this and how did you deal with it?Your support is much appreciated!


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## iambalthazar (Mar 14, 2003)

Hey, I think you're right on when you say "It seems to me that maybe he worries that since one person in his life is gone, he will lose others." Speaking from personal experience, the best you can do is be there for him. It is hard to want to help, and feel helpless not knowing what you can do. But honestly, just being there for him. You shouldn't press the issue too much, but just let him know that you're there, and you're not going anywhere. It's hard to lose trust in people when someone close to you takes their life. For me, I always questioned why couldn't I have done something. I pushed my boyfriend away, and he honestly was great, in time I came around, and he was always there. This is a stressful situation, but it'll work out. I came around, your boyfriend will too.


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## amandelis (Sep 23, 2003)

Stayshome...Thank you for your support... words from someone with experience was what I needed to hear. Tuesday was a really difficult day. I was on Immodium all day and when he called me to tell me he was coming to see me I was sitting on the toilet at school! He came to see me after my evening French class at the university and we went out to dinner. He said the funeral went "great" and brought him a great deal of closure. I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he said yes, but only told me a few things like who was there (not what it was like to be a pallbearer). I guess if he wants to tell me more it will come out in time.We were able to discuss the issue of how he thought I didn't love him over dinner. It came from a big misunderstanding that would have been completely avoided if it were not for this girl who took her own life. We agreed that our relationship has sustained some damage but that we want to work on getting it back to where it was before.Thanks so much for the support and understanding during this difficult time. My stomach isn't quite up to par (what is par for it, anyway!) yet though. No McD's for me today!


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## california123 (Jun 8, 2003)

Hi Great,Sounds like you're going through a really tough time. I'm 53 and it wasn't until I was about 45 that I truly understood that many men have a hard time dealing with grief and handle it so differently from most women. While we want to talk about it endlessly LOL they often just want to sort of crawl into their cave and lick their wounds. While all that talking makes us feel better, it often makes them feel worse. The older I get the more I can see the differences between men and women when it comes to emotions so I no longer ask my husband "how do you feel" all the time. If he wants to talk about it, he will in his own good time. I've also learned that a lot of stuff that I thought was about me, wasn't at all. I don't know if this makes sense to you or is of any help, but just thought I'd let you know I'm out here "listening." Take care.


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## amandelis (Sep 23, 2003)

California123,Thank you so much for your message. It makes me feel better to know that it's OK not to be able to fully understand the opposite sex, especially at a time like this! We're only 18, and while we're both mature for our age, we haven't yet had a lot of experience in the world, particularly with death. As a woman though it's hard for me when he wants to be all quiet and untalkative about it.  One reason it messed up our relationship somewhat is that I failed to communicate to him that I found it really important to talk, because I really wanted to make him feel that I ONLY had his concerns on my mind. But one other thing I learned was that in a tragedy such as this, everyone has a right to be affected and we have to make space for each other to feel whatever grief or regret we might have.Things are certainly on the mend now. I never knew before how grateful I was for a normal day!


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## erin5983 (Mar 25, 2003)

I know it has to be awful for you to have to see him grieve, but I think this is a time where he'll be questioning a lot of things. A suicide is something that really can shake anyone up, and I think that grief in a way can warp a lot of what you are thinking. For now, I would take what he says seriously, and make sure to be there (it sounds like you've been really supportive) and help him get through it. Just remember that grieving can often lead to other emotions, and maybe he just needs some time to grieve and deal with some of his emotions.Hang in there!


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## amandelis (Sep 23, 2003)

erinjk,What you say about grief warping a lot of thoughts sounds very right to me. I never thought a suicide could make someone question their mate's love for them, but I can believe it now that I've experienced it firsthand! It was scary last week when it seemed that everything was falling apart around us. We're both very sensitive people so every little nuance of everything we said and did was analyzed and over analyzed. It was hard for me to step back and just let him do whatever he had to do. He still hasn't talked to me about much about the funeral, but it's only been a week. His mother pointed out to me that even though he is very emotional, he often keeps his thoughts inside and it would be kind of useless to nag him to talk. Not to mention annoying, I'm sure.On Saturday night we went to a party together... it was great because we really both needed to have some fun, which we did. On a completely different subject the IBS has been really bad since all this happened. I had to go out and buy a value pack of Immodium while I was at Derek's house on Saturday before we went to the party... my stomach was acting up and I didn't want anything to happen there. Fortunately he is always very understanding about my problems. We even have a good natured argument going on about which one of us has it worse, me with IBS or him with seasonal allergies three seasons a year (we both think each other's problem is worse). Oh well, enough pointless rambling. Thanks again for all the support!


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