# Pregnancy and children



## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

Hi,I was wondering if any of you have children and did you get them after you got FMS? Has it been difficult to raise children with a chronic disease and how was your pregnancy?I donï¿½t have any children, but we have been trying some months to get pregnant. I think I got an early miscarriage last November and after that my ovulation has been a bit strange...I think Iï¿½m on right"track" again, but I have been thinking so much about this lately. Iï¿½m 35 years old and I know that time is running out...but at the same time Iï¿½m worried about how I will cope with both pregnancy and raising a child. I have talked with other "fibro moms" and they say itï¿½s hard work but they donï¿½t regret anything. I have talked to one mom who said that her life is very diffucult, it was ok when her child was a baby. But now when her child is two years old and running around she almost regret getting pregnant. I know that both I and my husband will love this child more than anything, but Iï¿½m worried that I wonï¿½t be able to be a good mom, doing things that healthy mothers can do. Is this a selfish act to get pregnant when I have two chronic diseases? My husband and I have discussed this soo much and he say itï¿½s my descision. Lately we havenï¿½t been talking about it at all...







/Mio


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Mio,Considering your health situation, and hubbie saying it's up to you---since he realizes your health is not the best and there's no "good" end in site, is he willing to help you as much as possible with the raising of this child? I mean beyond a few midnight feedings and diaper changes. It will be a daily job for him, also. He must understand that you will need all the extra help he can give you and when your child becomes older and more active, will he be in a position where he can be an active participant in all school and social events---you may be able to make some or most of them, but you will have your times when you just won't be able to. Even helping with homework can be an exhausting endeavor. I'm not trying to discourage you. I was just wondering---since you said hubbie hasn't been talking about it lately, perhaps he has been thinking and wondering these thoughts, too.Good luck to both of you. My two boys were born before I exhibited any symptoms of Fibro----way before. I didn't start having problems with Fibro until after I had a Spinal Block for Hemorrhoid surgery and it was given at the wrong level. I continued to have a "spinal leak" for 5 months before Doctors at Mayo Clinic "plugged" it. I've had migraines and Fibro ever since. Connection? I most definitely think so, but I can't get any Doctor to verify it. Life!! The boys were around the ages of 11 and 8, I think. Having the boys (they are 31 and 27 now) brought us a lot of challenges and I had to basically raise them myself. Hubbie was a workaholic, so he had little time for school, etc. "Mom" did most of it---"DAD" always had a meeting or something. In all the years of school, hubbie managed to come to only 5 parent-teacher meetings. Practically all out side interests that they had, like Scouting and 4-H, church, etc. was all up to me. And believe me it wasn't easy. Rewarding, yes. In a lot of ways. Regrets? Sometimes. Our youngest son was born with multiple congenital birth defects that required a lot of medical attention and numerous major operations. I had to put myself on the back burner most of the time, because they required my time and attention (and nursing skills I didn't know I had!)and hubbie couldn't be there---he had to support the family.My best to you both. I know you will make the right decision.


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## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

Hi Feisty,thank you for your respons. You are right, maybe my husband has been thinking about this too. We have to sit down and discuss this and hopefully we will make the right decision. A child is almost a lifelong commitment and I understand itï¿½s hard work, as well as alot of joy.I think you were amazing that basically raised your children at your own...My husband has said the he is willing to take alot of the burden at home, but I think itï¿½s hard to realize just how much it is before you actually are in that situation. Well, we need to talk about it and Iï¿½m sure it will be alright in the end. One way or another.../Mio


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Good luck, Mio. I'll be thinking of you both!!


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

I think that if I had known what the future held I would not have had children.My pregnancies were very difficult, and the guilt of not being the kind of mother I wanted to be has stalked me for 20 years. It almost broke me to have to leave my daughters wedding because I was so sick, that will haunt me forever. They (all 3) are very understanding, but I feel they shouldn't have to be. But the reason I wouldn't have gone through with having children isn't about that, its simple, as my children age, I see the same symptoms in them, days my 21 year old can hardly move, she misses much of her own childrens lives because she sleeps so much, is plagued by constant headaches and diarrhea. Would I have willingly done this to another human being? As the two youngest age I see it in them also, the aches & pains, nose bleeds and constant cramps. I have passed this misery on to them and I know what their future holds. So, if I had the chance to change things I certainly would, perhaps I would have adopted or used someone elses eggs, but I would have done things differently.Lori


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

i had never looked at it like that before lori. although i did not start this thread i have been watching it with much interest as i am facing the same issue. i see it must be something we think about from many different aspects. thanks for all the input!~mrs. mason


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

I'm so glad you said it the way you did, Lori. My thoughts exactly.Both my sons show signs of my illnesses, also. The oldest ( age 31) has inherited the severe anxiety that runs on his father's side of the family----all the children and grandchildren show signs of it from little on. And it only gets worse with their age. I have anxiety, also. He has also inherited the severe hearing loss from my side of the family. My grandfather (from my Mother's side), along with every one of his brothers and sisters had a very severe and profound hearing loss. That was passed on to the children and then the grandchildren and now the great=grandchildren. He also has signs of IBS like I do.When will it ever stop? Probably never.Then there's my youngest son (age 27), who was born with multiple congenital birth defects. Hirschsprung's Disease, VSD Pulmanary Stenosis, Spinal Curvature, etc. He also has the anxiety problem, but not (as yet) as severe as his brother. So far, at least he has the excellent hearing his father has, thank goodness.Had I known about all of this at the "tender" ages of 21 and 24, I would have chosen not to have children. Like Lori, I would have considered adoption, or chosen not to have any at all. I probably would have chosen going the "mentoring" route.Obviously, alot of these things are hereditary. Years ago, even the Doctor's had doubts of these things being passed on, but today----I think I'm an example if there ever was one.It's a difficult decision whether to have children or not. And everyone dreams of having "perfect" children. I know I did.


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## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

LoriAnn,this is something I have been thinking about too...Iï¿½m scared that I pass on my diseases (FMS and EC) to my child. That would be horribel...I know how difficult life can be with these diseases. And what happens if we get a child that is sick, have we the strength? My husband and I talked about it this weekend and there are lots of question that isnï¿½t easy to answer. As I said, Iï¿½m scared to pass this on to my child, but my husband doesnï¿½t share my fears. He is worried that I wouldnï¿½t be able to take care of our child on daytime...He is willing to take care of the baby when he comes home from work, but he is worried about the fact that I have days when Iï¿½m weak. I was so sad on Saturday, I cried and felt really depressed. I usually donï¿½t feel sorry for myself, but now I do. Iï¿½m angry and itï¿½s just unfaire! Some years ago I talked about adoption, but my husband donï¿½t wanï¿½t to do that. Anyway, that only solve one problem...So, I guess it wonï¿½t be any baby...














/Mio


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

I wish perhaps that I could have put it better, I don't want my own opinions to have any impact on such an important decision. I'm sorry your husband feels the way he does, but I have to disaggree with him. I have loved many children, only 3 were mine. My husband adopted the oldest girls, they were to my first husband. I know he loves them as if they were his, and shows no distinction between the girls and our son. Loving a child comes from the heart, not the DNA. I could walk into the street and pick up a strange child and fall in love, especially if they need me. I've done it before, I probably will again. Maybe its because I don't have any guilt with a strangers child. Loving children is the easiest thing I have ever done. Your husband loves you, but he doesn't have to live inside your body, and he won't have to feel the guilt if you pass it on to your child, but you will. For him the choices are simple. For you the choices are a lot more complicated, and he complicated them even more by taking away some of your options.Women have to get pregnant, stay pregnant, and ultimately be responsible for raising the child if their man decides he wants out because it was more responsibility than he was prepared for, it happens, often. While they should have some say, in the end, it should be our choice. Even my father thought so, and he was totally against womens liberation, but on this topic he was firm, its our body, our responsibility, our choice.There are millions of orphaned children on this planet, why on earth aren't we looking after the ones no one wants. What on earth has DNA got to do with that?.....sorry, i'm rambling, I do that when I'm tired.LoriLori


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## M&M (Jan 20, 2002)

lori,i didn't think you were rambling. what you said was very poignant, very wise, and very helpful. i really enjoyed reading your posts. thanks for the thought provoking words.~mrs. mason


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## Susan Purry (Nov 6, 2001)

Mio, here is an article for you: http://www.co-cure.org/preg.htm There is The Action for ME/CFS Pregnancy Network, at www.pregnet.org (FYI, "M.E" is another term for "CFS"). I know you don't have CFS, but it may have some useful tips for you.


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Lori,You are so right---I couldn't have said it better.There's so many children out there just waiting and needing someone to love them and show them they care.


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## LoriAnn (Jan 31, 2002)

thank you mrsmason.Lori


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## Mio (Dec 19, 1999)

Lori,I agree with you, itï¿½s not about DNA, I would love a adopted child like my own. I actually thought about adoption before I got FMS, as you said there are so many children who need love and caring. And donï¿½t worry, I have thought about these things for a long time and I am just curious how parents with FMS are coping with these issues. I appreciate when people are honest and speak there mind! Susan, thanks! Great links! There was alot interesting storys and thoughts.../Mio


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## celticlady (Aug 6, 2001)

Its a hard decision! when we adopted our son he was only 9 weeks old,is 8 years old now(almost 9)I did not know I had fibro.....I did know I had severe low back problems,and I have not been able to lift him since he was 1 1/2 years old.Thankfully,kids adapt!He learned at an early age to climb up in the highchair because mommmy couldnt lift him.I just ghot down on the floor and played with him,I could still give him big hugs without lifting him.It was hard(and still IS hard)being a parent with chronic illnesses but I still feel I am able to be a good parent,and I have a (mostly)helpful spouse who is a great dad......do you have support from friends and relatives who live nearby??This makes a big difference,if you have people to help out when you have a "flare".Good luck


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