# I want my life back



## cherrypie09

I am still suffering with anxiety big time. I am on 45mg Mirtazapine, Have listened to mikes cds, done a cbt course called beating the blues on the computor, and am still waiting to do cbt with mental health team.I wish i could calm down, everything i worry about, get uptight over, and the worse is the anxiety caused by having IBS-D. I know the anxiety is making the IBS-D worse and in turn making the anxiety worse. I have tried and tried to talk myself out of this, i just cant do it. I want my old life back, but i am having so much trouble doing it, people have done it , I know, but its easier said than done. Unless you have been there, saying stop dwelling on things and calm down IS NOT EASY to do.I saw my Doctor on friday and she was very stern with me and has told me to calm down and stop thinking of going to the toilet so much and get on with my life, that it will help the anxiety and the IBS-D.HELP, Please.


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## Kathleen M.

No one ever said it was easy.Just keep hanging in there, and working on relaxation and anxiety prevention techniques you know.You do know about the relaxation response and stuff like that from what you have done? Right?I know sometimes it seems those things do not good because doing them for a short period of time seems to make no difference. Over time, if you keep up with them, the CBT techniques and things like the relaxation response can help. But they aren't a quick fix you do them for a week and then life is normal. You may need to do the techniques every day maybe even for life to keep the anxiety at bay. It also is very hard to judge progress so we often give up (and I think the anxiety pushes people to give up) before it even has the chance to work really well. I know lots of people with lots of problems where everyone can see some progress but the person "doesn't have their life back completely" in that month or three of treatment so they stop doing something that really is making a difference.


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## cherrypie09

I understand what you are saying Kathleen but its been 6 months now since I had my nervous breakdown, and the anxiety, with my IBS playing up. Ive had IBS for 10 years, but its only since this january that it has got so bad. Then I had the breakdown in february, and the IBS and the Anxiety have slowly got worse. I force myself to go out every day, even if its just to the local shop for a paper, I do puzzles and tapestry and try to keep busy.


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## Kathleen M.

It takes time, and it probably will take more than just doing puzzles to keep busy. Is that the only option that was given you as a something to do by the CBT course on the computer?Usually there are other techniques taught. If you are not doing a daily relaxation practice I'd suggest at least starting that. http://relaxationresponse.org/steps/ is the directions if no one ever gave you those for the relaxation response.Some people prefer doing a progressive muscle relaxation thinghttp://www.guidetopsychology.com/pmr.htm has the directions for that.Here is a link for the typical things done for CBThttp://www.anxietyandstressmanagement.com/cbt.htmlDid the program you do teach any of those, and do you do them every day, or did you one do them during the duration of the course.I know it is hard to deal with, and after a big psychological event it does take what seems like an obnoxiously long amount of time to get better. If you keep working on it, you will get there eventually, but it really isn't much fun while you are working through it.And I do think there is something to that old saying "it is always darkest before the dawn". Sometimes things go through that "it will never get better" stage before you see the big pay off from all that work.


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## Guest

Ah darling - its not fair but it will get better - we keep bashing on about time but it really isn't #### promise!!!!! Promise yourself a treat for next summer - Crete really is gorgeous.Sue xxxx


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## Rosie

Cherrypie, it's no fun I know.I don't know if this will help you but I was housebound for a heck of along time because my D is so bad. To be honest I am bowel incontinant since intestinal surgery. I got tired of being home, afraid of going out!!! So, I went out and bought some diapers!!! I thought what's the worst that could happen!!! Well, it has happened, I come home, have a shower, use lot's of perfume and I just don't let it bother me.I try and do most things in the morning when I know I have eaten very little. I did get to a family picnic on Sunday, what fun that was. So I couldn't eat, I ate when I got home. Every once in awhile I do go out for dinner with my husband or with friends. When I do that I order dinner, eat very little, bring the rest home and eat it. I really hope you can over come your fear soon. I want you to know I really do understand how you feel and its awful!!!Good Luck!!!!


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## cherrypie09

Thanks Kathleen, Rosie and Sue.Ive done relaxation, in the form of muscle relaxing and tensing, I have done Mikes hypnotherapy CDS and i have worked through a 6 week workbook of cbt and still do weekly logs and techniques. I am not sitting around doing nothing, i still practice everything i used in the cbt. And do deep breathing and controlled breathing.


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## Guest

No, I know that darl - but perhaps you are focussing TOO much on all this anxiety - that can feed off itself. I've done that Cherry - become introspective. I do appreciate its hard to get out and about since you are so compromised by your bowels but you HAVE had nice days - down by the coast etc - so I'd say go and build on that - try and leave the docs well alone for now.Sue xxxx


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## CatUK

Cherry you sound so much like me (as you probably know from our emails).I can't switch off the anxiety or stop thinking about it. Even when I'm keeping myself busy it's there in my head going round and round, it's terrible and making me so ill. Tried so many different medications which I was so hopeful about as I've read about them being a miracle for some people but none have wored for me so am reluctant to try anymore. I've had some CBT with my counsellor, she taught me breathing exercises, muscle relaxation and how to retrain my thoughts. Absolutely doesn't work in the slightest for some with GAD like myself. I'm on a waiting list for full CBT which I'm supposed to be starting next month, I'll go and see what they say but am unsure about doing it. Either way I can't see an end to all this, drugs don't work and neither does counselling so not sure what I'm supposed to do next. Wouldn't mind giving hypnosis a go but as it's between £60 and £90 a session and I'd need around 10 sessions I don't think that's going to happen.Feel free to email me anytime, will let you know how I get on at the Dr's tomorrow


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## Guest

Oh dear Cat - I'd not seen you for a while and was hoping this was because you were feeling better. The trouble is - and can I be frank - you are going round and round in circles, clutching at straws, hoping for a miracle and it won't happen - you know that. I know its easier said than done but I feel I have the right to say it cos I've been right down at the bottom of a big, black hole - but you are going to have to be robust - either put your faith in antidepressants with all their attendant side-effects - which you have tried - but in my opinion, not for long enough - or you will have to do this alone - there is no miracle cure - I'm deeply suspicious of the efficacy of CBT - I really can't see what its supposed to achieve - I suppose these talking therapies work for folk with mild depression - but you are probably too delicate mentally for this to help much.So - what to do - you have 2 stark choices - go back and get onto an antidepressant - 30mg or even 45 like Cherry is trying and stick it out for at least 3 months - side effects and all - or go it alone - push yourself to do things outside your comfort zone and ride this out.I'm so sad you are still seeing no improvement but if you are at home all the time brooding - or clutching at one therapy after another - I can't see how you are going to improve.Sorry to be blunt.Sue


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## CatUK

Hiya Sue, no I really appreciate you telling me like it is. My Mum does this with me too when she thinks I need it. I'm scared of trying antidepressants again as the ones I seem to have been given are SSRI's and they make me feel worse rather than better. Tried Citalopram for 10 weeks and came off them because of Dr's advice, Prozac tried for around 6 weeks, again Dr said they didn't seem to be doing anything. Mirtazapine I was hopeful for but I couldn't take being asleep all the time and the ravenous appetite. Not sure if anything other than SSRI's are prescribed for GAD? Everytime I start a new med my Dr says if no improvements within 8 weeks they aren't going to work for me as I should be seeing something after that time? Is that correct or is that too soon to stop them?I agree with CBT, I'm very wary about it especially after having some with the counsellor. If I could get the nausea that comes along with the anxiety under control I'd be able to cope so much better. I guess this is where we are the same Cherry, you with the IBS-D and me with the nausea. Hope we both can do something to get them under control soon.Nice to speak to you again Sue, hope you are well and enjoying what we've had of the summer?


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## Guest

Oh s**t - sent you a really long post here CAT and it disappeared. I can't be bothered re-typing it all but I'd say yes, I'd be inclined to give mitrazapene another bash - you might want to try for about 3 months - 8 weeks isn't all that long and if sleep and hunger are your main concerns - I'd say thats not too serious - you don't work at the mo do you - and I'd say for a young woman to try and get a life back - its worth abit of a struggle - I really would.Thats my opinion - you must make your own mind up about that one. I'd say PM me - but I was a bad girl and have been banned from receiving and sending them for 3 months.Sue xxx


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## cherrypie09

CatI know weight gain is supposed to be a side effect of mirtazapine, but i have not put on weight, i think its probably because i have ibs-D and anxiety, ive no appetite, if you are worried about the sleepiness, it only last about a week, at least it was for me.


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## Guest

It certainly is a well-known side effect and one which I've sort of had to embrace but really does abit of unwanted weight really matter against the hell you're living in at the moment?Sue


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## baz22p

Hi Cherry, I read your title to this thread - about wanting your life back, but my immediate thought (and it is one that has applied to me) is that you are now needing to adpat to a new lifestyle that embraces ALL the good points that you can find, and that you are happy with. I think the reality of this b****y awful hand that life has dealt us is that life will never be EXACTLY the same as it once was. However, the extent of how much it deviates from what we knew is entirely up to us. You may prefer to call it the adjustments to your life that are necessary for you.......for me, it was handling the fact that I can't work at the moment (now been more than 5 years), so I had to adjust to being a house-husband. I think the rule is: 'keep the positives (and learn how to keep them), and ditch the negatives'. I know it sounds easy for other people to lay-it-on-the-line when it comes to what has worked for them, but you need to learn to embrace the good things (no matter how small and insignificant - a mighty oak tree was once an acorn).Baz


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## Guest

Oh well said Baz and that applies to the vast majority of us on these boards. I'm not compromised by IBS, not in the least but I'll tell you for nowt - nearly scared the bejaysus out of myself on holiday. Decided what the hell and downed about 3 ouzo shots - the next morning I swear to god I thought I was having a stroke - I literally couldn't work out how to dress myself. It was laughable in a way - but I literally had NO idea how to fasten my bra and kept trying to lean against a non-existent wall. Paul was freaking out since I started stammering horrendously too and panicking like mad. Of course I get a right bollocking from the GP at my 6-monthly loony review this arvo and he said my liver had basically bailed out and stopped my anti-d from working at all so I was in withdrawal. We had a long chat (and a bit of a cry on my side I don't mind admitting) and it looks like I'll be on mitrazapene for life.At the end of the day - Baz is right - we all have to make the very best of whatever s**t life chucks at us and deal with the hand we're dealt with with style and humour. I look at the mum at school who lost an eye to cancer last summer, my darling friend Sue with MS who never knows how exhausted she'll feel from one day to the next but they are 2 of the most upbeat folk I know - K* is heading off on her own with 2 boys in the car down to South Wales with a tent. I dunno how comfortable I'd feel driving to an unfamiliar place with only 1 eye - but she'll manage it I'm sure.Never give up - keep plugging away - all those awful hackneyed phrases really do help sometimes.Sue


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## CatUK

Thanks for the advice Went to the Dr's this morning and had a blood test to check my thyroid among other things. The Dr thinks it's probably my anxiety that's causing me to feel hot a lot and really tired but she just wants to make sure nothing else is going on. She also suggested I don't take any antidepressants which I was a bit surprised at as she said they help for some people and others they do nothing for. She said I should just try the CBT as that is what she thinks will work for me. I am not sure about this at all as I would like to try antidepressants in conjunction with CBT. I have another appointment booked with my Dr on the 10th August (she's on 2 weeks holiday till then) to discuss my results and where we go from there.Hope everyone is having a good day today. In a bit of pain with my tummy but not feeling to anxious which is good considering I'm hormonal lol.


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## Guest

I'm sorry but I was really, really scared - could have done with ABIT of support - this isn't a one-way street you know.


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## BQ

Sheesh Sue what an experience THAT must have been! I think I would have been frightened too. But at least now you know _why_ it happened. And as for the meds... hey we all need what we need to get through a day.. a week... a life. None of our bodies are perfect. It's no different than anyone else having to cope with a chronic illness. So.. I try to be grateful that there ARE some things to help me and if I have to rely on them forever... so be it. At least they are there for me to use!I hope by now you have recovered somewhat from that episode.. but I can imagine it must have shaken you to the core.Glad you are feeling better now.BQ


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## cherrypie09

Sue, Just seen the post, Sorry you had such a bad experience, I cant emagine what must have been going through your mind, it must have been very frightening for you and your family. One i hope will never happen to you again. Hope you are feeling ok from it now.


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## baz22p

SueV said:


> I'm not compromised by IBS, not in the least but I'll tell you for nowt - nearly scared the bejaysus out of myself on holiday. Decided what the hell and downed about 3 ouzo shots - the next morning I swear to god I thought I was having a stroke - I literally couldn't work out how to dress myself. It was laughable in a way - but I literally had NO idea how to fasten my bra and kept trying to lean against a non-existent wall. Paul was freaking out since I started stammering horrendously too and panicking like mad. Of course I get a right bollocking from the GP at my 6-monthly loony review this arvo and he said my liver had basically bailed out and stopped my anti-d from working at all so I was in withdrawal. We had a long chat (and a bit of a cry on my side I don't mind admitting) and it looks like I'll be on mitrazapene for life.


Oh, Sue, I've only just read this - how horrible it must have been for you all, and you have my sympathies with this....I, too, have had after-effects with ouzo! I'm so glad that the episode turned out good.......it could easily have ruined a lovely holiday. The way you describe the incident is similar to the reservations I have with my homebrewed beer - it's so delicious but getting stronger with age. Needless to say that I wont go near it if there is a single sign of the IBS, but there doesn't seem to be any after/side effects.Don't worry about the prospect of being on medication indefinately.......many people need help for life (diabetics with insulin (?)). I probably rattle when I walk due to the medication I have to shove down my neck. To publicise your fears from an incident like this is an extremely brave thing to do, and we all need a bit of support occasionally. How are the rest of the family now?Baz


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## CatUK

Sorry Sue, only just read the post. What an awful experience for you, I can't imagine how scared you must have been. I hope you are ok now (((((hugs)))))Sorry to hear you may be on Mirtzapine for life, not something any of us would want to hear but if it's going to keep you healthy it's got to be done. I know it's hard to think about at the moment. If you ever need to chat feel free to pm me or email me.


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## Guest

Thanks Cat - I think once you hit middle age, you have a family and husband to think about and have been through the s**t I put my family through in 2005/6 - you learn to be much more pragmatic about medication. After all, if I was a diabetic - I'm be on insulin for life wouldn't I. I am overweight - I'm addressing this now so its not the end of the world.Sue


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## Guest

Oh and I can't PM you - I've been banned from sending them for 3 months.


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## CatUK

Big hugs Sue (((((hugs))))). You've got a positive way at looking at things which I think is a great outlook to have on life (have to give me some tips)


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## Guest

But Cat - thats what beating depression and/or anxiety is ALL ABOUT. You have to get yourself into the mindset of being a half-full girlie rather than a half-empty one. Instead of "I can't do X or I can't do Y" - I CAN DO Z. Lets face it - none of us are dying of cancer are we?Sue


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## cherrypie09

I had my hair done today and went to the garden centre and spent the afternoon gardening putting in more shrubs and weeding, despite having 3 bouts of D with the IBS this morning. Nearly cancelled the hair, but i forced myself to go, glad i did.


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## Guest

Thats the girl - bloody good for you - and I bet you look fabbo now.Sue xxxx


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## cherrypie09

Yes Sue it feels good to go out and get your hair done. I also for the first time in 4months went into the city with my husband sunday morning, was desperate for some new bras, as lost so much weight. I did it went to debenhams, got measured and came away with two new ones and feeling quite pleased with myself.Hope you are feeling better now after your fright on holiday.


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## Guest

Actually, I'm having a very wobbly time of things right now - I'm just fervently hoping its while my body gets used to being back on the mitrazapene - the GP said I'd effectively been off them for a week.This is my own stupid doing - I'm off booze certainly in the medium term. Don't get me wrong - I'm not a big boozer but stupidly - I played fast and loose with my meds on holiday and I'm paying the price now.I hate moaning and whingeing on - so I'm off these boards until I get myself back together.Sue


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## cherrypie09

Hi SueSorry you are still having a rough time, I hope you will feel better soon. Take care, thinking of you.


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## Guest

I'm much better today thank goodness - I'm NEVER playing last and loose with my meds again ever.Sue


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## CatUK

Hiya Sue, sorry to hear you've been having an off time recently. Glad you are starting to feel better again though and hope you continue to do so


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## Guest

Ah thanks Cat - better again today - went back into work (I only work Weds and Thurs am during the school hollies) and so lovely to see colleagues and clients and actually strain the sagging old brain cells. Its absolutely miserable weather - so nice to get out of the house. Spent all yesterday afternoon baking lurid green shortbread with 2 nine year olds - fun but bloody exhausting.Sue


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## Guest

Sorry - and now I've hijacked this thread - back to the original poster (whoever that was)!!!!Sue


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