# In desperate need of help!!



## Bowiegirl (Oct 12, 2004)

Hi, I have so much on my mind right now I don't know where to begin. This isn't pertaining to IBS, but I don't know where else to turn. My problem is sex and my marriage. I have a 5 year old and a 2 1/2 year old, work 40 hours a week, have laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, dinner to get ready, kids to bathe, teeth to brush, and take care of everything else that pops up. I am a very stressful person. If something is on my mind, the last thing I want to do is have sex. As a matter of fact, I'm just not very sexual. However, my husband is totally opposite. I don't want to be alone with him because I'm afraid he will want to have sex. For example, today is his day off & I brought some lunch home for us. He wanted to have sex. I'm thinking...I have on a dress, my hair is fixed, I have to go back to work...NO. If he gripes about it, the last thing I want to do is have sex. What is wrong with me? Once we get started I enjoy it, but the problem is that I never want to get started. HELP!!


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

Lets see...You have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year oldWork 40 hours aweekDo what sounds like the majority of the housework (so two full time jobs with children and such)No wonder you are too tired to want to deal with sex.I'd be making the "you want sex...when I get home and you have used your day off to do the dishes, laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc and I come home to a clean house, dinner cooked, a bubble bath run...you can have all the sex you want tonight)







K.


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## Bowiegirl (Oct 12, 2004)

I think I am so angry about it all. You are correct. I take care of a majority of the stuff. He will clean the dishes after I cook and do some laundry. But, that's it. He doesn't bathe the kids or anything. He always says "you never sit down, why don't you take a break?" I always reply "because if I don't do it then no one else will". That usually sparks an arguement. Sometimes I wonder if I am in love with him anymore. I can't believe I actually said that to someone. The other day we had time to talk and we talked about stuff for 2 hours. We had an actual conversation. I told him I really enjoyed talking to him. I did. I just don't know anymore. I am so tired of hearing him complain about it. That just turns me off more. I really think that I am so angry inside at him that that is the reason why I have no sex drive. Thanks for the reply Kathy. Your posts always seem so sincere.


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## soft (Jun 3, 2004)

We had the same issues when our kids were younger. I was always exhausted and resentment built up. It's an extgremely tiring stage of life. Hang in there, it does get better.


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## sophia (Dec 13, 2004)

hi texasgirl, we do everything and we get no thanks. it gets me so angry. although i dont work. i still find it hard, your the best, and to everone else out there. i find i want sex and he dont, and he wants sex and i dont. he works nights. we only see each other 3-5 hours a day.


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## Vamplady (May 10, 2003)

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!I have the same exact issue with my spouse. He uses sex to relieve stress and I tell him it adds to mine. Fortunalty I only work outside of the home 24hrs. a week but the rest of the week its all the chores and kids.You could try having a heart to heart with him and explain where you are coming from. You might suggest you would be more in the mood and more apt to have sex if he could help more. Let him know that you stress because these things are not done. And in order for you to fully get into sex you need the help. Tell him his help helps you get in the mood more. I did this and I think after a few years he is getting it. Your kids are alot younger than mine but this sex thing has always been one of our issues. I wish I could get the " it helps with" stress thing but I figure maybe when the kids are out of the house more. Oh well I hope you find some comfort in knowing others feel for you.


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## Bowiegirl (Oct 12, 2004)

DID YOU SAY YEARS?!! Oh my Gosh! It's been 6 1/2 already. However, it is nice knowing that I am not alone. I don't know why men have to be the way they are. I've talked to him about helping out more, so he started doing a little laundry. WHIPPEE!! I've talked to him about me taking care of all of the "little things" that pop up. For instance, putting 4 rolls of film into the photo album, or writing in info in my kids baby books, etc. Having to remember to do everything and do it is very hard. Sometimes I tell my kids that my name isn't mom anymore and if they can guess what my new name is then I will answer. Isn't that horrible? Thanks for all of the support. It is comforting knowing that I am not a lonely duck out here.


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## boxgirl73 (Jul 5, 2002)

Don't worry...ther'es alot of us out there like that! I don't even have any kids yet and I recently posted, on this board or the IBD board, about my low sex drive...>Like you...I don't really ever want it or need it...once I'm started, it's fine...however, it does take me a while to get into it...not all the times do I...so I end up just letting him finish.......no need to punish him because I don't want it...and I'm only 31!


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## kazzy3 (Apr 11, 2003)

It's true there a lot of us in this boat. My kids are 15, 11 and 4 and I still never get much time to myself. The 4 year old is very active and hardly naps anymore, I run the older ones to and from school, referee their fights, help with homework plus cook clean and do laundry worry about finances all while trying to get a home career going. My husband works long hours comes home, eats, we all watch tv while he plays on the laptop while I still worry and deal with the kids because he is so impatient with them. He helps some around the house especially on weekends but still I have a lot to do. Then he wants sex almost everynight and gets angry when I am tired. I have a lot of anxiety these days and am on meds plus my ibs gets worse at these times. I sometimes think of sex as a way to make HIM happy, which isn't good.


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## amy22 (Mar 6, 2001)

We should really call this the "wife's dillemma." Take something from everyone's post, and I identify. I have 2 kids (kinda) 4 months and 10 months - one isn't even mine (step-son) but I take care of him like my own anyway. We have joint custody. I'm a stay-at-home mom but I have a part-time job where I watch kids (what a getaway) for 6 hours a week. I never get a break, never sleep (enough), but get everything done with the house. Some days I'm so tired I nap when they're napping, and my husband gets home and says, "what did you do all day?" AGH! That kills me.So when he wants sex I give him oral just to shut him up and to silence my own guilt.He's mad at me when I don't want it, but between diapers and dishes, when do I have time to think about sex? When the kids are in bed, all I can think about is, "I have to pack a diaper bag for tomorrow" or "if I don't get the dishes done tonight, the kids won't have any bowls or spoons tomorrow."Who has time and energy for sex when you're busy all day and all night?


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## terrig (Jul 20, 2000)

I have to thank all of you for opening up like you have on this post. This is exactly how I feel each and every day. I work 50 hrs/week, have a very active daughter, 1 dog, 4 cats, a house to take care of, 2 parents who need me, and a very demanding boss who calls at all hours. When in the world would I have time for sex. When I go to bed I will read for at least a half hour to wind down and he gets furious with me for reading and not having sex!!! Why can't they understand that reading and sex are not the same thing. Maybe for him it relieves stress and relaxes him, but not for me!!


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## Kaylis9d9 (Mar 15, 2004)

That is why my wife and I chose not to have kids : ).


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## Bowiegirl (Oct 12, 2004)

You would think that with this many people that have the same problem that we could come up with a solution. I have tried and tried to reprioritize or reprogram myself to add sex in there too. I just can't seem to do that. My life is based on priorities. God comes first, kids second, job third (because my income is a necessity also), laundry, cleaning, etc is fourth, and my husband is fifth. Where does that leave me.....sixth. He complains about lack of sex, but he comes before me so that tells you how much time I have for me. NONE!! I don't feel real sorry for him since he gets more of me than I do.


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## *Luna* (Nov 19, 2001)

Terrig, I've read that for men, sex usually relaxes them and makes them sleepy. For women, it tends to make them more awake and alert...kinda like exercise does. I'm not totally awake, but I don't find it nearly as sleep-provoking as my husband does. If I'm tired and go to bed early because I want to SLEEP, he thinks I want more! I think their brains are just wired differently.


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