# Childhood Sexual/Physical Abuse, upcoming Colonoscopy



## Teresa D (Mar 23, 2011)

Hi everyone,This is going to be a long post, and I am sorry for that, I have so much to say. I am brand new to the forum. I am a 30-year-old female and began my IBS/endometriosis journey in the spring of 2004. It was only until recently that I finally got the courage to talk to my OB/GYN about it, and she made me feel shamed and had horrible bedside manner. I told her how much this has disrupted my life (since moving to a new area in August I have yet to find a job because the D and C, cramping and pain have come to the point where they all control me, I have NO control over what happens at any point). My GYN prescribed birth control pills to take care of my endometriosis, she didn't even talk to me about other treatment options, she just said that they were all GI related (and to pretty much get over it) and she referred me to a gastroenterologist (from here on out I will use GE for this doc). I went in to the GE on Monday afternoon, she asked me a bunch of questions about my history and how this stuff has affected my life. I thought she was very nice and trustworthy, and felt that she spent a good amount of time with me, at least starting to ease my anxiety about having to be homebound the rest of my life. She ordered blood work, which was done that day, a CAT scan of my abdomen and pelvis, which I did yesterday, and it wasn't as bad as I thought (considering I hadn't even ever had an IV put in before!)She also wants me to go in for a colonoscopy, which was originally scheduled for this coming Monday. Fast, I know! She gave me a prescription for MoviPrep and a little tiny information booklet along with the clinic's own prep instructions. That was it. I was starting to freak out about the procedure after my CT scan yesterday. I actually didn't sleep at all last night because my anxiety was skyrocketed. I am a survivor of childhood sexual, physical, emotional and psychological abuse, which I am still learning about and dealing with, and have only realized and started to face the last 2 years. It has ruled my life in so many ways (my husband has been SO supportive and he feels terribly helpless as I go through this stuff), I am also dealing with extreme family stress, part of it due to the abuse (I haven't talked to my Mom or most of my 6-sibling, 120-cousin extended family since my wedding or just after my wedding when everything went down in August 2009). Anyway, sorry, a little tangent. Plus with us moving, me having to quit my job, all these health issues - well, I am pretty much a ball of nerves. (I am seeing a counselor for the family stuff, by the way).So, I totally freak out and don't sleep before normal GYN exams, I mean, I put off going for months after we moved because I was scared to death. Constant pain and horrible mood swings made me go back. Because of my history, I freak out completely when I know someone is going to be in a location below my belly button and above my knees. I flinch and everything during procedures. Well, let's just say I went through an entire box of Kleenex last night because I was finding out all kinds of things from the postings here. I cried and cried all night long, just thinking about the procedure makes my whole body shudder violently. I am scared to death.Thank GOODNESS I found this forum, I read all about the people waking up in the middle of the colonoscopy (poor dears, my heart really goes out to you guys, how awful!) and the pain, violation and traumatization they experienced. To know that some doctors just think of us sufferers as "pieces of meat" to get through their work day stops my blood cold. As one poster said, it's barbaric. It's terrible. I can't imagine flashbacks, I know those would stay with you for a very long time, if not forever. I feel 110% violated just having a quick pap smear and the pelvic exam, I can't imagine how violated one must feel having a doc in your entire abdomen!!!!!! I don't even want to think about it. . . . . .So, because I am hyper sensitive to things going on "down there", I called my doctor's office this morning in tears and left the nurse a message. My poor husband had to see me in a completely freaked out state and felt so bad because he had to leave for work.







I fell asleep a little for about 4 hours this morning, in that time I had to call the nurse back (I missed her call). I told her about me being an abuse survivor and how I was so totally freaking out about the procedure. I was scheduled to have the C done at a local center/clinic, and I asked her what meds I would be on. She said feterol and versed. That's when I freaked out again and started crying over the phone, saying that I had read here that people wake up in the middle of their C's. The nurse confirmed that yes, some people do in fact wake up. Whoa. Okay, not for me. I asked if there was any way that they have meds that can completely put me out (I said this while sobbing) and she said that they can reschedule me for a C in a hospital with propofol. Okay, so I read on here that the med is good, I checked with the nurse a couple of times to MAKE SURE I was going to be out before they even THOUGHT about going "down there". . . I am sure they are going to have to give me something for anxiety , I am not going to sleep the night before and am going to be an absolute ball of nerves. I have such horrible memories from when I was kid of going to and being completely scared to go to the "butt doctor", the fear is one of my earliest childhood memories (I think I was about 3 at the time). How awesome, right?I just got a call that they are going to do the awful test in a hospital on April 28th, yippee, so I have over a month to think about it. Hopefully in that time I can get into yoga and meditation and maybe not be such a stress ball about it? Maybe? I don't think anything is ever going to be "easy" for me down there, I am TERRIFIED to have kids. . . . Well, now I guess I want to ask how other abuse survivors have wrapped their minds around preparing for a C, how do you deal with the panic attacks and the uncontrollable shuddering? The fear and anxiety? The scariest thoughts ever that come into your mind? Has anyone gone through this before? If you guys have any advice to give, I would GREATLY appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I feel so alone and scared. I have a lot of life changes coming up with IBS/endometriosis, whatever I have, so I am prepared for another year of change and transition. Yippee. I am trying to keep perspective too, I could have something way more life-threatening going on, I am "just" going in for a C, I need to be grateful, God will help me through it, etc. It's just TOUGH. It's hard to see the big picture when I think of someone going "down there" and doing crazy things to my poor battered body. UG. I can't tell anyone because my family is a bunch of gossiping, narrow-minded, cruel people and if I told ANYONE, word would get out and if I do talk to them again, they would make tasteless jokes about a C and/or the "toilet humor" that could in any way shape or form be related.Thanks everyone, sorry this got so long. I appreciate any words of wisdom you feel you can share. I would love to make some IBS/endometriosis connections, I felt so alone before starting to research this stuff and realizing how common it was!!! I feel for all of you!!!!!Much love,TBD


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

I would think you need to make a call to your therapist and go over this with them. They will be able to tell you what strategies to use for sure.But really.. the past can't hurt you.. unless you allow it to.Mention this anxiety to the GI (Or what you call GE) Dr's office staff. SO they are aware that you may have some extra anxiety before the procedure.But the physical/sexual abuse is something you need to discuss with your therapist.Just so you know... you are not alone. Many IBS'ers have abuse in their backgrounds and many many of us have had colonoscopies. We have all survived and I know you will be fine.


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## Trudyg (Aug 16, 2002)

I, too, am a survivor. I think it is what started my ibs. After my mom's dementia started and progressed, it became obvious to her caretakers that she, too, had been abused--probably what led to my abuse. This is horrible, but we must try to be strong enough to put a stop to it. If possible, get the help that you need. You will never put it behind you but you can put it into perspective (of a sort) so that you can move forward. In this day and time, we have sources available to us that our abusers did not have. Not to overlook what they did, but I love my mother and it helped me to make up my mind to forgive her. She suffered in silence, at least I can talk about it. Granted, mine were not as horrible as the experiences as others have had. Hang in there. You are not alone.


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## spazzy (Mar 29, 2010)

You are most definitely not alone, and you have no reason to feel ashamed or embarrassed about your anxieties and fears.If one in three to five woman has been sexually abused, then a lot of sexually abused women have had colonoscopies. I would think some gastro-docs would have a better bedside manner than others. That being said, I wonder if they would permit you to have a person with you during the procedure? Quite possibly they won't, especially if the procedure is done in a hospital. They have rules about things like that, but perhaps they can come up with a compromise.Also, I am a survivor of horrible childhood abuse......physical, sexual, verbal, and emotional....and I was scared and anxious, too, especially with the first colonoscopy I had when I was in my early 30s. I almost walked out of the office, right before the procedure. I was a nervous wreck.But, I knew it was something I needed, and so I used self-soothing techniques to help allay my anxieties. The first colonoscopy I had was without medication or sedation. It wasn't terribly painful, just uncomfortable. For other colonoscopies, I've been sedated and have absolutely no memory whatsoever. Once the IV went in, I was out and didn't wake up until I was in the recovery room.It is a survivable procedure, and to be honest, I've had other things done to me which were much, much worse......such as root canal work, tooth extraction, C-sections, and some very painful neurological test during which I had many needles inserted up and down my injured arm, shoulder, and neck. Now, THAT almost put me over the edge!I think we survivors fear being out of control. And, who can blame us???? But you will be safe, and you can get through this. You can. If you have a therapist, you should talk to him/her and express any concerns. Perhaps you two can come up with a plan to help you with your fear.I was about your age when I had my first colonoscopy, and though it scared me, it really turned out not to be nearly as bad an experience as I had built it up to be. I usually have great anticipatory anxiety, and can work myself into quite a state before anything in my life over which I have no (or little) control.I hope I've helped allay your fears a tiny bit. I wish I could help you more. I really do feel for you.....I have so much compassion and empathy for you.Can you let us know how it goes?You will be able to do this. And it is a good thing to do, for your continued health.D


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