# REALLY want some SERIOUS help...



## Ashers86 (Dec 31, 2007)

Ok, so I never want to talk about it, but I have a MAJOR Anxiety problem. So much that it didn't really surprise me that my psychiatrist told me I have "Social Anxiety" last month. In fact, I'm not surprised if I have more than that...It's just that I was depressed and somewhat suicidal as a teenager. I have always been touchy and emotional and (still, even after moving out) feel like I'm stuck in a mentally whirl-winded relationship with my parents... in which I feel responsible for them and their well-being, and they will call upon me and I feel that I absolutely CANNOT say "no" to them because I would get ripped up and down about how I could do things for myself and others and not them and blah blah blah. Yeesh, even the other day I told my Mom that Jeff (my fiance) and I were considering renting a townhouse with another couple to help save up money - even my Mom (because it's usually my Dad who says these things!) said "Oh, but you couldn't do that with us?!". WTH?!?! No matter how many times I try to politely let the "buy a house to move us in; help you pay for the mortgage and we get help in return (because they're on Disability)" idea slip out of conversations, there's still that grudge against WHY I wouldn't consider having my parents live with Jeff and I. How is that even fair to Jeff, even if I wanted to?!?! They can't even understand that...It drives me up the wall!!Anyways, I still seriously believe that this relationship (because the above is just a recent example of a typical conversation with my parents) is the base of my problems. I get irritated easily, and have removed myself from people as a whole because I can't deal with it (problems). Sometimes I'll literally just get in their door and my Dad could be going off about how I should have handled a certain situation - as if "hi" meant asking for a random opinion - which makes me want to just turn around and leave again but then they take it so personally that it apparently means "I hate them". It's as if they don't understand that how they talk to me and treat me is NOT good for me... but because I'M the one complaining, I'M making the problem. Am I seriously wrong here?!I got so irritated with them giving ME advice on how to be (and how our apartment should look!) that I even told my Mom once "I don't like having guests". Not that I don't want to one day have someone over briefly, but this was in reference as to how "unwelcoming" our apartment looked and why it is that I ask they call first (so I can tidy) before showing up. It's gotten to the point where I don't even feel comfortable living in the same CITY as them anymore... Even Jeff agrees and is THIS close to saying "ok, let's move!". Anyways, I obviously needed a rant... but problem is, they just don't go away.. and I've tried to talk to them and explain my feelings... but it's not good enough for them - they just think I'm a bad person for feeling the way I do. THAT is the problem though - I don't know who I am anymore because I give into them and listen to them and have ALWAYS thought of their way as right because that's how I learned things. I feel so GUILTY for telling them the REAL truth sometimes, or saying no to doing favours/errands for them, so it's like I'm just programmed to get things done and get through to the end of the day. But now I realize how unhappy I am, and how much I don't know about myself... Then of course, IBS came along... which was okay until about a year ago when it seemingly got worse. THEN the depression came over me ("I feel useless", etc.), and my anxiety started to trigger my IBS. So let's pile that on top of constantly being worried about everything because I'm so friggin sensitive to everything, and banging my head against the wall every time my phone rings (because I usually do get yelled at if I completely miss a call/message from my parents). It's just... and I don't know what to say... But I don't know where to begin in getting help. I need A LOT more than anti-depressants... I don't know who I am, I have no confidence, no interests, and don't have the drive to do anything for myself anymore. I can admit this, but don't know where to start... I feel so deep that I think I need a serious program to help me 'find myself', so to speak. I've just been thinking about it for the last couple of days (Jeff got another huge raise, and has re-assured me that he will take care of me - bless his heart!) and I realize it's because I don't know myself... and mostly, I don't love myself.... I realize that when I thought, what is there to me?? I can't answer it...My real question though is what should be done? I think I need to enroll in a full-time therapy program, like rehab.... just to get the brief constant attention and help. I need the break and I NEED to be led... I can't do it on my own because I always put myself last anyways. Are there any suggestions?? I'm willing to go the extra mile to get it done, and Jeff has literally just reassured me that there's therapy-type assistance with our health insurance. Only thing is, the last time I asked my psychiatrist for "something more", she referred me to the hospital.. which was literally school - stuck in a room 5 days a week, doing classes (bring your binder and paper!) with the other "students" for 2 months. I just couldn't be bothered.... it was a huge waste of my time (spending 2 hours on Fridays learning how to plan your weekend?? That's a little much...).*sigh* Any advice is appreciated!!


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## Guest (Jan 14, 2009)

Oh Ash - I think we've "talked" before about this issue with your parents and the need to get some much-needed space between you/Jeff and them - and from what you're posting - this issue doesn't seem to have abated. Forgive me, I'm not up to speed here - but I was under the impression that you and Jeff had managed to move away a little further from them. Its a sad old state when a young lass like yourself has to swap roles with your parents and basically be the carer. You obviously have a gamit of mental and physical "issues" that need taking care of - you have enough on your plate without the mither of them calling you all the time. They are very time-intensive aren't they. The old stand-bys of being firm, maybe allocating set times when they can call etc don't seem to have worked and I'm honest, I don't really know what else to suggest. Perhaps Jeff could have a firm word - that all this incessant calling on your time isn't healthy or helpful to you or to them.Obviously its not for me to say whether or not you need to be in a programme - what ever on earth that is - here in the UK there is little or no access to that type of "talking therapy" - but if you can access something along those lines - terrific.You have my unstinting support Ash, as ever and I hope you can resolve this - I'm sure being firm and setting firm ground rules is the only way forward and putting as much space between you and them without completely abdicating all responsibility is the way forward.Good luckSue


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

{{{Ash}}} I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. I understand where you come from...What I feel after reading what you've said is that, you know, *I do NOT think it is all your problem -- at least your parents own an equal (if not a larger) share of the problem in this relationship. *You're NOT like this if they have not done/said what they have to you. I mean, sure they love you and sure you love them, but that is NOT the issue here. _Here the issue is that they are having unrealistic and unfair expectations of you_, be it out of love or need or whatever. The reason why they are doing it is not important, but the important thing is this is hurting you (and by hurting you for not having met these unrealistic and unfair expectations they are hurting themselves as well). I mean, there's always an expectation mismatch between parents and children, but if that mismatch is going out of preportion and is hurting people, then, it should stop.And I'm also getting the feeling that -- being a good-hearted, gentle person, you are now feeling like you own all the problems and you are the person who's solely responsible for fixing yourself and for fixing them. Bless your heart, BUT that is NOT what you should be expecting of yourself. You do NOT own all the problems and you are NOT responsible for fixing them, just as you are NOT responsible for their happiness. We all each and every one of us are responsible for our own happiness and we are ultimately the person to make ourselves happy -- your parents canNOT blame you for their problems and their not feeling happy or content in life. And they certainly should NOT expect you to live in the same house with them -- that's not fair for any grown adult and it's not something that's by any means expected by society at least not here in North America.I understand how you feel, though, because me too have encountered similar problems in both similar and different types of relationships with my near and dear ones. And I used to think/feel exactly the same way you are thinking/feeling now. Believe me, Ash my dear friend, we are NOT to blame and we do NOT own those problems that are _not _ours. It took me so so long to realize this and even longer to re-assert myself and re-discover who I am. And I still struggle amongst the daily details of things... But Ash, the first step is to realize that the ownership of the problem is at least in part NOT on us and that we are NOT responsible for what we're accused of being responsible. And then, it may be a good idea to let Jeff know where you are at since his support is very important. Therapy is a good idea, but it's important to realize the above going into therapy, otherwise, the analytic sessions could just be revolving around the wrong thing. From my experience the most valuable things I learned in support groups and with professionals are to learn to (1) separate other people's problems from mine and know what I am not responsible for; (2) know where others are misusing my soft spot and asking for what they should not; (3) understand where my confusion are and find the knowledge to stop myself from feeling crazy; (4) how to assert myself when faced with situations and people as well as when to walk away; and (5) how to react (speak/feel/think) when faced with conflict of interest/expectations and unfair treatment. And most importantly I learned to stop blaming myself and stop letting myself get guilt-tripped -- for me it was the start of confidence-rebuilding. Do feel free to PM me if you need to talk more.{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} and thinking of you...Cherrie


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## baz22p (Dec 1, 2008)

Hi Ash,Having a rant is no problem. I feel like this with my parents most of the time. They are the kindest, most generous, and unobjectionable people I have ever known but I do feel there is a bond/tie that I just can't break. IThey have become better over the years, but I think you have to demonstrate to them that you have your own lives - and if that involves doing something that they do not go along with 100% then so be it. However, you have to be prepared to stand on your own feet and accept the consequences if things don't work-out. I think it is only natural for most parents to want to be there to pick up the pieces if things go wrong - hence, it may seem that they want to dictate your lives so that this doesn't happen. I'm not defending them at all, but I can see how it comes about (from studying my own experiences). Maybe moving further away is a solution, I don't know. Anyhow, suport and understanding is on these boards for you.Baz


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## overitnow (Nov 25, 2001)

Ok, you have obviously internalized all of this way too much. I was a load of insecurities, myself, but without the self-hate part. For me, immigrating to Canada created enough separation so that I no longer felt obliged to live up to anyone's expectations but my own. Obviously, with Jeff's career being, presumably, central to were you live, that kind of pull up everything and move as far away as possible will not be possible. Still, some kind of therapy must be available so that you can go and be very clear with your parents about what they are doing to you. (After we go through the "ungrateful child!" reaction, sometimes we actually listen with our love.) I am sure that this is a pretty common problem so there must be all sorts of books as well as practitioners to help you. If you can accomplish that, then you will just need a bit more help in figuring out who you are as your own protagonist and start to live your story, rather than your parents' story. Assuming there are no chemical imbalances, you can then join the parade and limp along with the rest of us. I am pretty sure that if you find a way to live without all of this self-imposed stress, along with the resultant adrenaline, even your IBS will calm some.One of the things I found most useful in getting away from my insecurities was the discovery that most people are so wound up in themselves that they accept others at face value as long as they are not challenged. I had an act I performed at work when dealing with customers which allowed my once repressed personality to venture forth. I was still horrible at parties where I knew no one; but as long as there was a reason for someone to make the initial approach, I could entertain them for at least a period of time. I have even learned to ask others how they are. Eventually, even I believed that I was confident and competent. I don't know what kinds of therapy are available to you and what would suit you best; but I bet there are a bunch of councilors available in Toronto who could help you sort that out.Mark


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## Ashers86 (Dec 31, 2007)

Thanks all for your responses....Sue - you are right... and I know I brought the issue up months ago (thread was probably deleted with crash, I assumed), but it seems that I just can't balance it. I try to explain my rules and WHY I can't see them every day, etc. etc. but it seems like that since they've spent the last number of years not working (due to health issues though - so of course, I naturally feel sorry for them), they have absolutely NO idea what it's like to take care of your own place AND work. I Do work from home.... but still, I do get busy... Doesn't mean I'm available during the day, but sometimes I DO get called at 10am! UGH! (< ranting)Mark - I truly appreciate your answer and applaude you for making such a move yourself... but I don't think (not sure...?) you really know how HARD it is for me to deal with depression/anxiety as a whole. I've been bounced from numerous anti-depressants (some that CAUSED my switching from IBS-D to IBS-C), and nothing helps. So there truly is something really wrong; I can admit what I need help with, but don't know where to start.We CAN move a little further away - we are where we are right now because it's a 5 min. drive to his work... so there's still some "flexibility". I think that may be the first big decision I go through with before I can even begin to recover....It's just the "why don't we all live together?", "why didn't you answer your phone?!?", and "let me re-arrange your furniture because I don't like it" that KILL me! They could drop the issue for awhile, so I get comfortable and cuddly with them again, but then it randomly pops up again! It's like they're playing the game with me!I think Cheri was bang on in saying it's about expectations - it really is, in a way. I know that my Mom always said I should go to college and become a nurse, etc. in order to be "someone". So my depiction of life is being able to have a job that actually means something to people.. in other words, you need to be important in this world. This is why I also feel so stupid about myself with IBS and working at home - it's not a job! It is and it isn't... I'm not "normal", therefore I'm not acceptable.And standing up to my parents would mean blowing them off completely and being "dis-owned" as a daughter. Or at least, that's what it feels like.All my life... whenever my parents have lectured me or given me advice on something, it's basically to say "this is the way to do it", as in everything they raised me to believe it right, regardless of if I think differently. If I disagree with even the smallest thing they mention, it causes an argument and I ALWAYS get looked at as an IDIOT. I just KNOW that I can't deal with this anymore, but it's as if they always look to me (yet my younger brother - who cares! He can do WHATEVER he wants!).I do feel like there are invisible expectations I need to live up to... which is why I'm confused. I know Jeff has none for me except to take care of myself and do some housework since I'm home all day (which is perfectly fair to me!), but I ALWAYS never know what to expect with my parents; depends on the mood, the conversation... EVERYTHING!And because they've impacted me so, I literally panic when I get irritated but can't say anything because I'M always the bad guy!*deep breath* Maybe I just need to vent and MOVE!


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

{{{Ash}}}PM'd you...*HUGS*


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## Ashers86 (Dec 31, 2007)

Thanks Cheri! As mentioned, I do want to bring up what it is that confuses me the most about this relationship with my parents...Often times, I will see my shrink on a decent week, so when she asks me how things are with the 'rents, I can say things are ok. But catch me the next week when there's a disagreement or one of those "living situations" mentioned, and it's a totally different story.We can have good conversations... I can talk to my Mom and all.. and we can laugh as a family... But I do always feel judged. Sometimes I can't even be honest about what I've been up to because I know what kind of answers they like to critique. Does that make any sense?But WHY should my decisions be evaluated by them??? I know there's no sense in it.... but this is why I can't decide whether I like them or not sometimes. It's like a big mind game...And thing is, I'M always the one taking things the wrong way because when something does come up and I say 'don't go there' or try to be honest, they tell me I'm just exaggerating what I've heard/felt. It's no wonder I don't know how I feel... it's different from day to day and I get so confused.We can be okay one day, but have a disagreement the next.. but it always gets blown into a discussion on how I SHOULD be doing things, which I really don't want to listen to, so it's my fault and I'M the one causing the problem.What does not help is that my Mom is mentally unstable too - which is weird because I thought she'd understand that my feelings are confused, but she doesn't! She thinks I'M wrong because it's not how she feels. Does that make sense?And my Dad has high blood pressure... a really big problem. I mean... long story short anyways, he hasn't hit me, but as kids, me and my brother have always been afraid of him.... He snaps very quickly and does (still to this day) resort to punching/throwing/destroying furniture while yelling & cursing at us. However, this was normal for me in my childhood.My Mom says that apparently they raised us to have a back bone and not take #### from anyone... but now that I'm on my own, I'm scared of the real world. Gosh, so confusing....


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

PM'd you again {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}


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## Ashers86 (Dec 31, 2007)

YOU KNOW YOUR FAMILY IS THE PROBLEM WHEN...My Aunt from my Dad's side can't stand my immediate family!!!!She's about 40-ish... her kids have moved on in life and she was in a bad situation way out in the middle of nowhere... so my Uncle (Mom's side), who is a truck driver, offered to pick her up and bring her here so she can start anew again, so to speak (LONG story short)....Anyways, Friday night she shows up at my apartment freaking out about how she can't stand my Grandmother (Mom's Mom, whom I hate with a passion for personal reasons), and is noticing that my Uncle and Mom take after her and listen to her.... ugh. She was bawling and wanted a way out... I felt so understood finally! IT'S NOT JUST ME THAT'S CRAZY!! APPARENTLY, she was also a part of a conversation in which my parents decided to mention the whole "moving into a townhouse with another couple" idea and they were going off about how it's a bad idea (still don't know why - all they said to ME was "why not us?!"), and it won't work, etc. etc. However, my Aunt here thinks differently and decided to say something to them!!!! (OMG I love her!)Along the lines of: "They're adults, they can do what they want. They probably just want to move away from family, which is fine and normal. Besides, who cares? If it doesn't work, let them find out first hand and let them learn lessons for themselves!"I THOUGHT, OH THANK GOD SHE'S ON MY SIDE!! LOLAnd she's sooooo right! Of course, my Mom had no response as if she didn't hear any of it... but it was said! I proceeded to tell her the problems with my parents and she says it's not right in any way and that they're obviously still babying me and that living together with my parents should never happen, just because it simply doesn't work that way. I was so thrilled to hear her agree with me... and her way of "parenting" makes a lot more sense to me than anything else - she was always the Mom that said "eat all your dinner or no dessert", but she always let her kids get messy and learn their own lessons. She'd rather give them advice then tell them what to do.... Which, now that I think about it, is literally the opposite of how my parents are; I don't feel ready to take on the world because I didn't get to learn anything for myself! I was just told "you should do this this way because...", and "you can't do that because...", ya know?So I've somehow pinned it all down... My only problem is separating myself from them because that's the only way I can get them to leave me alone. They'll still bother me, but maybe not as much if I'm further away. THAT I do know... but I'd have to almost move without telling them in order to not hear about it! *sigh*Just an update... I wish I knew of an easier way to deal with this...


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

Yay! {{{Ash}}}You've realized something really important and valuable and I'm so happy for you that you've decided to separate yourself from them! This is an absulately important first step and you're taking it now. Way to go!!And you're so right in realizing that "love" canNOT be equaled to "dependence" (and so your parent's love should not make you emotionally/psychologically dependent on them; and they shouldn't expect themselves to be dependent on you, either). That kind of "babying" only creates unhealthy "(co-)dependence" which in turn can only create feelings of disempowerment and fears of facing the world.It may not be easy, but from this point on, there will be no looking back because you're not what you once were anymore! And you have your aunt and Jeff and you have us here always, and most importantly you have YOU -- and you WILL find the resourcefulness within you (and from outside as well) to deal with what's to come!{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} and all the best and keep us posted.Cherrie


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## baz22p (Dec 1, 2008)

Hey Ash, I am soooo pleased/glad for you! You must be feeling a whole lot better - even if this is only 'stage 1', it is a lot further down the road than you felt you were at. You've DOUBLED your support: not only do you have Jeff, but you now have your aunt as well (and as Cherrie said, 'us' as well).It is early days but you may find it develops a bit more in your favour the longer your aunt is on the scene......is she still with you/around? If so, are you able to talk more with her about the situation?I hope this develops further for you in a positive way.Baz


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## Ashers86 (Dec 31, 2007)

Not that I wanted to PUBLICLY announce it, especially with being on the Moderation Team and all... but I broke down and called a crisis line today...I can't even concentrate on my work today... I'm sitting in a daze and need help like yesterday.So I have some therapy ideas lined up (thanks to getting contact numbers). I hope I can get something soon just to get things off my chest... *sigh*Thanks everyone for being here!


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