# We Might As Well Laugh...



## Guest (Jul 4, 2000)

IDIOTS AT WORKI was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk =noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared thatsignature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, theymatched.IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: many deer were being hit by cars, and he no longer wanted them to cross there. IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employeeasked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"Isaid, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know. He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask." IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #2:The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earthare blind people doing driving?" IDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truckIDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #4I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turnonIDIOT SIGHTINGS Sighting #5:When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up ourcar, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. He went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, Iinstinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I alreadygot that side." There, now, don't you feel better?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Anyone else have some to add?calida


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## Guest (Jul 4, 2000)

THANKS! Made my day complete! Very funny.I have some to add.Even very young children need to understand about dying, explain the concept of death very carefully to your children, this will make threatening them with it much more effective. I've been promoted to middle management, I never thought I'd sink so low.Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk, that'll teach you to keep your mouth shut!Opportunity is often missed because its dressed in coveralls and looks like work.Never keep up with the Joneses, drag them down to your level, its cheaper.If you never want to see a man again, say "I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have your children"......-they leave skid marks.If you want to trade the admiration of many for the critisism of one, go ahead, get married.Hope everybody posts something on this thread, we all could use some serious laughter.Lori Ann


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

I've been waiting to post this! I made copies and gave them to my Colon/Rectal Specialist and his nurses. They are having so much fun with it, that they are thinking about giving a copy to each patient just to make it easier for them to explain they're B.M.'s!!!!! THE POOPIE LISTGHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with a stain.SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.GASSEY POOPIE: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is giggling!DRINKER POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.CORN POOPIE: (Self-explanatory)GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE-POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.WET CHEEKS POOPIE: (The power dump). The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.LIQUID POOPIE: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.MEXICAN POOPIE: The kind that smells so bad your nose burns.FOOT-LONG POOPIE: (Self-explanatory)UPPER-CLASS POOPIE: The kind of poopie that doesn't smell.THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you're about to fart, but OOPS - a poopie!THE DANCING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done poopie-ing it. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.


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## Guest (Jul 5, 2000)

Thank you both very much for the humor!! We need more of it. DeeDee


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## Guest (Jul 5, 2000)

Good ones, Lori Ann and Feisty. Here's another one for ya.Quick Thinking...wouldn't you say?A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort near a national park. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wifepreferred to read.One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take theboat out. She was not familiar with the lake. She rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the park ranger in his boat, pulls up alongside and says, ï¿½Good morning, Maï¿½am. What are you doing?ï¿½ï¿½Reading my book,ï¿½ she replies as she thinks to herself, ï¿½Is this guy blind, or what?ï¿½ï¿½Youï¿½re in a no-fishing area,ï¿½ he informs her.ï¿½But, Officer, Iï¿½m not fishing. Canï¿½t you see that?ï¿½ï¿½But you have all this equipment, Maï¿½am. Iï¿½ll have to take you in and charge you.ï¿½ï¿½If you do that I will charge you with rape,ï¿½ snaps the irate woman.ï¿½I didnï¿½t even touch you,ï¿½ grouses the ranger.ï¿½Yes, thatï¿½s true....but you have all the equipment.ï¿½


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## Guest (Jul 6, 2000)

These are great - I especially like the "poopie" topic - have copied it and will mail to all my friends. Thanks!! Stacey


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2000)

Got this yesterday and just had to share. After reading this can any thinking person see the correlation of "Low Self Esteem" with our (womens) problems. My, my we are such vile creatures! (Hogwash!) LOL Enjoy, calida==============================From a woman out sick:Languishing in bed last week with a bad cold, I spent four days in the company of Oprah and Maury Povich and General Hospital. I was astonished to discover that most daytime TV commercials have one clear message:Women leak, dribble, and smell. They're overweight and they're constipated.Women have dandruff, split ends, bad breath, and bad breasts; both the under-and over-endowed require special bras.Apparently women must buff, douche, diet, gargle, & primp constantly if they want to overcome their basic vileness.Then I thought, maybe men get the same messages when they watch their programs. Maybe advertising during sporting events is geared toward products that men need to make them socially acceptable. So I turned on a golf tournament and spent an hour and 12 minutes watching their commercials.Evidently men are fine just the way they are. They have a small problem with weight gain and graying hair, but mainly they are handsome, playful, and successful. They can go fishing with their buddies, & use leaves for toilet paper.They could probably come home from their trip and hop right into the sack for a romantic encounter thinking they were just fine. No rushing off to shower or spray here.Around this time I needed to get some cough syrup. The first thing I noticed when I got to the drugstore was a huge sign, "Feminine Hygiene," hanging above an aisle filled with thousands of products designed for women's special needs.There was a variety of pads in a multitude of shapes for heavy periods, light periods, and bladder control, as well as for women who want to feel fresh all day. There were yeast-infection medications, vaginal deodorants, vaginal lubricants, douches, personal towelettes, pregnancy tests, and germicides to do away with feminine odor. There were laxatives, hemorrhoid creams, and gas-relief tablets. I looked all over, but found no aisle for "Masculine Hygiene" products.Now, I've been around enough men to know that some of them could use piddle pads and penis towelettes and deodorants, and also products for crabs and crotch rot and athlete's foot and gas, so I couldn't understand why the drugstore didn't at least label the aisle "Fem./Masc. Hygiene." The closest I came to anything specifically targeted to men was a large display of condoms next to a shelf of K-Y jelly.The packages for feminine products usually featured a woman in a gauzy dress running through a meadow full of spring flowers (daisies were very popular) as her sparkling clean hair billowed behind her. I found myself attracted to a vaginal moisturizer that had a picture of a peaceful little water lily floating on a pond."Do you know how to use this?" the male pharmacist asked in what I thought was a particularly loud tone."Of course," I replied, certain that everyone in line was staring at me. As it turned out, I couldn't even figure out how to open it. It was one seamless plastic entity. I tried twisting it. I tried cutting it with garden shears. I gnawed at it with my teeth and finally threw it in the trash.I was so angry that I called the manufacturer's toll-free hotline, which I'd seen advertised on TV, and complained to the customer-service representative. She told me I was trying to open the wrong end and that all I had to do was twist off a piece of plastic at the bottom.Now THAT would be a peculiar job, I thought, to spend your days answering questions about vaginal moisturizers. I wondered if men have an 800 number they can call to get information on crotch rot. I imagined a TV commercial.A really clean guy fishing in a meadow stream, surrounded by daisies, with a deep voice intoning: "This cream is made especially for men's tender tissues. Just call us at 1-800-JOCKROT for sensitive answers to your most intimate questions about male hygiene."Then I pictured the forlorn Jockrot representative, waiting like a Maytagrepairman for the telephone to ring. Of course it never does...


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Way to go Calida!!! Keep 'em coming!!!!!


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## Guest (Jul 14, 2000)

_I think some of us may be related to these sweet ladies_ LOLThree elderly ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. Onesaid, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand infront of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put itaway, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landingof the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my waydown." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;knock on wood." As she rapped her knuckles on the table, she told them"That must be the door, I'll get it!" ==============================Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench inMiami. They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12years...chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says,"Please don't be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all theseyears...What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for2 full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do youhave to know?".==============================


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## Feisty (Aug 14, 2000)

Here's a few more......Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."A Sunday School teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."A Sunday School teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the Commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a Commandment that teaches us how to treat our brother and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."At Sunday School, they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his Mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home."_____________________________________________ A WOMAN'S RANDOM THOUGHTSIf you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free......You either married it or gave birth to it.Insanity is my only means of relaxation.Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.My mind not only wonders, it sometimes leaves completely.The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two sizes!A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "listen witch...do it and die."The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him...I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?


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