# IBS and (love) relationships



## Guest (Jul 9, 2004)

Dear all:Based on a discussion here, and on my own concerns.. Id like to ask what may seem silly, but (to me) is really important. I had never had such a bad and long lasting IBS flare up. I dont know when/if it will end. I am not dating now (and I guess that is convenient -- but very very lonely, especially when you are sick). But I am in the prime of my life and wonder if IBS will prevent me from experiencing a lasting relationship. Of course, there is not way to know -- I am aware of that. But I wonder how you have coped with that side of life... Have your relationships suffered? Or, if single, to you also wonder about such things.Thank you so much for any feedback.


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## AlmostFamous (Apr 11, 2004)

I wonder about it too- but from what I hear from people who have it, they're pretty open with their spouses about it. Maybe it isn't something you share right away, but I guess if you're with the right person, they'll understand.


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## Guest (Jul 12, 2004)

I am 35 and have had IBS since I was 12. I have been married for almost 9 years now. The answer is that when I was dating it sometimes interfered with my ability to date.I was often late because I would be nervous about possibly having stomach trouble and it would happen. And then sometimes I would have issues about going to certain places because they were not IBS friendly.But the overwhelming number of experiences were positive and I had many girlfriends who were very understanding. It can be a pain, but it will not prevent happiness.


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## BBDM (Oct 17, 2003)

G: I think it all depends on who you're involved with. My ex was horrible to me and made it sound like I did this to myself. He still is a grade A jerk about this. Several years after he was gone I got the confidence that I was worthy enough to date. I met several people that just did not "click" with me and I didn't tell them all about my IBS. I found it very difficult sometimes as you never know what will happen. One date I was on I was in the can for over 20 minutes and a good hour drive from home, not too much fun for a first date. I did go out with that person several times after, but it didn't work out. I tried to keep things close to home if possible and also tried to keep a first date to only a coffee meeting so that I wouldn't be eating. I also talked to any prospective dates extensively first(phone and MSN or Yahoo), so we wouldn't be wasting our time and to reduce the nervousness of first meeting. I also drive fast and live near highways(which truly helped!!!) I did, however, one year ago today, meet someone that ended my dating life forever and we have been married for 4 1/2 months now. He knew the next day about this garbage we face and is very supportive, more than I could ever expect. I guess what I have rambled on about is that if you have confidence in yourself you can relax enough to get through the initial stages and hopefully find someone that you can open up to. I don't know how old you are when you say prime, but I am 42 and figured I was done, but I was wrong. I wish you all the best


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## Guest (Jul 13, 2004)

It is hard to have terrible gas and keep a pretty lady happy.


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## minijaguar83 (Jul 13, 2004)

I'm so lucky I've only had IBS bad after I met someone, but I understand it must be a terrifying combination of narvousness on a first date and IBS symptoms. I had the occasional IBS flare when I started going out with my boyfriend who ive been with for almost 4 years, but when i was with him i never felt ill, maybe the chemical reactions caused by being in love (i've heard the blood stream is different and that it goes out to the outer organs and away from the inner (ie stomach and such)) make IBS better... Or maybe you just don't think about it when you're occupied with someone you fancy. When my IBS got worse i didnt tell him at first but when we moved in together it became apparent, gas is possible to hold in most of the time luckily! Its important to let boyfriends/girlfriends know (not in detail)about situations you feel uncomfortable in so that you can avoid them, and they can take considerations with you. My boyfriend is the person apart form me who cares the most about my IBS, and any person who cares about you will want to help, so let them


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## kschultz (Jul 8, 2004)

I was also lucky to develop my worst IBS symptoms during my current 4 year relationship. It was very tough to begin with, with me "not in the mood" more and more often. I think it takes a lot of understanding on both sides.I actually think that if I had developed IBS while single it would be a good test  about how genuine the person was. I used to have all sorts of "tests" for potential partners (like how they reacted to being asked to push a grown woman on a swing - I'm a huge kid at heart) and would actually save you a fair bit of time weeding out the good ones from the bad ones ;-) I have always strived for total consideration of others and expect no less from my friends or partner. There are all different conditions out there, we're not that special, so it's not much to expect people to be considerate and accommodating. I'm a very open, honest person so I am not shy about telling people of my condition when they need to know.


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## gownowoften (Dec 5, 2003)

I lived with several ladies in my youth & I guess I could have married any of them,& maybe have had a good relationship in spite of I.B.S had I suffered then, but I finally married at 40 believing that this marriage was for good. If anything, the oncoming I.B.S certainly showed me my ex. was intolerant of any failings re. health of her spouse, so being 15 years her senior I would probably have been very lonely later anyway. Now I have a lovely caring lady (still 15 years younger),but totally different, & we are true mates, & have now been together 11 years. So I.B.S my friend, rather than being the ultimate hinderance, can actually select a partner for you who is kind ,loving & considerate, & a true friend for life!


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## miranda (Apr 16, 2004)

good thing i popped my head into the anxiety board b/c this is the topic that's been troubling me lately.i'm 28 and single. i definately want to date but i am going thru an anxiety crisis. my ibsD has really flared up in the last 6 months and i've been using hypnotherapy and meds to help. finally i've been off my meds and back to 'normal' for close to a month.then i met someone, someone that interested me and whom i thought about dating! we went out last friday and in the days leading up to it i could feel my insides slowing becoming more and more liquid. ugh!! i quickly went back on my meds and i made it thru the date without too much discomfort.the scary part is that it went really well, you'd think that would calm me down but no, it actually makes me more nervous for our second date later on this week.yesterday and today my D was really flaring up, i'm waking up with extreme butterflies and tightness in my chest, i can barely eat.so i'm really quite depressed. dating is supposed to be fun and exciting, now i associate dating with diarrhea. how am i supposed to go on like this? i am at the point where i am considering never dating again just to prevent my body from reacting like this. i am so frustrated.i've heard the expression that when ppl fall in love they get that 'can't eat, can't sleep, think about the other person all the time etc..etc..' what about us ibs sufferers who can't eat, can't sleep, can't venture more than 5 mins from the bathroom, can't leave home without immodium!sigh. miranda


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## anmegrl (Jul 4, 2004)

I got IBS at 13 and had the pain, cramps, gas, D and C so it did greatly interfere with any type of dating or romantic relationship. I didn't feel worthy of being in such a position although some guys still asked me out despite my noticeable symptoms. After I got sort of a handle on IBS during my last few years of college I kept telling myself that I would do A, B, and C AFTER I got cured (which meant I won't focus on relationships, making myself look attractive, date, etc. . . .).I had to learn that this illness will be with me forever even if I find something that helps get rid of my symptoms or "cures" me. I will still have to/want to watch what I eat, take supplements, and whatever to keep it from creeping back. I decided after finishing law school that I would not sit back and let the world go by so I would date a little but only when I felt comfortable and "ready."When I found someone I had a lot in common with I didn't say anything about my IBS for months - I did tell him I was lactose intolerant (no stigma with that issue). But when I hit a rough patch I came out and said I have IBS. Since he is in the med. profession (not a gastro doc - that'd be tooo goood!







) he understood and is very caring and patient with me. I guess you have to find the right person first so you don't end up with a jerk. He's the only guy I've ever felt completely comfortable and calm with, even before I told him about my illness. But you can't find your soulmate if you hide yourself away from the public.


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## sadone (Dec 17, 2003)

ooo yeah...my single life...so depressing







yeah, i'm 25 and haven't been 'seeing' anyone in hmm...4 years...







...it's not just my ibs though, i've been in a constant battle with depression and anxiety and low self-esteem...one thing that i find really hard to deal with is seeing my brother and his girlfriend together (i live with my brother so i see them together a lot)...so happy...makes me sad.i don't understand...life is going pretty good lately--except for the loneliness...


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## tmar89 (Apr 11, 2004)

miranda-van.. I totally can relate to you. I'm 24 and have been single for 1 1/2 years now. I'm terrified to go out on dates because I'm so worried about having to deal with IBS and explaining it to another person. I had a hard time explaining it to my previous g/f and just to have to deal with the constant battles and worrying about a bathroom being anywhere is just exhausting. I want to date but I don't want to date


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## Charbeaner (Jun 2, 2003)

Hi to all of you. Was glad to see this topic and can relate to all of you but I am older than most of you (58 and female). I do online dating as my venue to meet members of the opposite sex. I have found what works for me--may not be the best thing to do, but I do it anyway is that about 45 minutes before meeting said date I take an Ativan because I do have extreme anxiety when going out on these "blind" dates because of the actual date and the "what if's" connected with my IBS D. I have found this helps immensely. I understand, too, how we hide the IBS hoping someone will be liking us enough to overlook this mess we have found ourselves in. I have only had chronic IBS-D for about a year and a half and there are days I feel my life is over and who would want me with this condition. But, I overcome these feelings and trudge on.Do what you have to do to temporarily beat the anxiety when starting to date someone. When you get past the first few dates, I'll bet your IBS will actually improve if you find someone you really like!!


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

I've been dating after getting out of a committed relationship about 8 months ago. I've had IBS and anxiety under control for about 1 1/2 years now, but the worry still sits in the back of my mind. I was on a fantastic date a couple weeks ago, and after dinner my gut started to act up a little. I just made sure to keep an eye on where the restrooms were so if need be I could make a break. Nothing happened and the date was incredible. Of course, the bastard never called me again, but that's another story.....


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## LdyCarotop (Aug 23, 2004)

I was married for 23 years, although my IBS flared up from time to time, my ex did try to understand but would also get frustrated at me when i said i didnt feel well all the time.. all he would say was "go take an aspirin" we divorced and soon afterwards i met a man i have been with now for 5 years. He has been totally understanding and supportive. I couldnt ask for a better man. It was terribly embarassing to admit to him what was going on with me, and at times it is totally embarassing what happens to me, he has been a sturdy shoulder to lean on. I know at times its so easy to just want to curl up and give up, my advice is to not let IBS do that to you. You'd miss out on something special if you do. All my best to you.


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