# don't want to go on anymore



## trapped (Nov 1, 2007)

I have had IBS for years. It started with agonising stomach pains but is now D predominant with lots of gas and bloating. I manage to go to work (just) but only by taking immodium every day and not eating at all during the day. Not eating sometimes makes the gas worse but if I do eat, I have gas AND D so I'd rather deal with one than both. I think I'd rather have the pain because at least that's my own private hell and there's no embarassment attached. I can't go out and socialise with other people because I panic about having to run to the toilet or about my stomach making a noise because of gas. This makes me panic and suffer anxiety symptoms, which , of course, makes my IBS worse. When I have to go to meetings at work I panic in case my stomach makes a noise and everyone hears. I heard today I have to go to a meeting next week with the big boss and I'm already stressing about it; the very thought of it makes me want to cry.I've been referred for psychiatric help by my GP and i've been having regular appointments (every 4 months) with a psychiatrist for several years but it's in one of the community mental health places and every time i go I see a different Dr because they keep leaving. There is supposed to be a duty officer that you can phone if things get difficult but when I phoned in the summer and said I was feeling very down and suicidal, they shouted at me and told me to 'stop crying you silly girl'. After a desparate summer during which things got so bad I self harmed I finally got to see a really nice psychiatrist who told me not to worry, he had read my file and had a course of action planned. I've been seeing this Dr once a week for the past 2 months and I trusted him when he said he would help me. He gave me his emergency contact number (not that I used it, but it was good to know the support was there). He's weaned me off seroxat so now I'm left with no medication and my anxiety is awful. When I left him today he told me to try to stick it out as it's a normal part of withdrawal and to make an appointment for 4 weeks time but when I got to reception to make the appointment they said told me this Dr I had put all my faith in is leaving. He hadn't even had the decency to tell me he was going and when the receptionist rang him to ask why he hadn't told me himself he just laughed. After he had promised me he would try to help me, I feel so let down. I'll never trust anyone again when they say there is hope for me bacause there isn't, I am becoming more and more isolated as I avoid things because of the panic/IBS. I know I shouldn't do this but I've tried the whole CBT face your fears thing and it doesn't make things better at all. Now I'm left with nothing. There is no one who can help me. No one understands. I'm not living I'm surviving. I can't go out and make friends and as for forming a relationship; forget it, i'd be far too embarassed about my ibs to get close to anyone. I even panic about doing everyday things now and I can't do any of the things I used to enjoy like going to the theatre or cinema.My life just gets worse. I wish I wasn't here anymoreSorry for the long post.


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## Guest (Nov 1, 2007)

Right - first off - DON'T APOLOGISE - thats what we are here for - you are in a desperate state and you need to put some of those feeling down "on paper" so to speak and thats absolutely fair enough. If you are having suicidal thoughts - you should be getting proper, regular help - either in hospital or working closely with a community psychiatric team - sorry, don't know if you are a Brit or not - but if you are - then at the very least, you should have a CPN - I have still and I've been well for getting on for 2 years.This rang lots of bells with me - I won't bore you with my story - but I had attempted suicide 20 months ago and am a very lucky girl to be alive and well but you are going to have to be robust and INSIST that you get proper, regular professional help NOW. I cannot understand why you have been taken off anti-depressants - I think there is a generally recognised feeling in the medical profession - that many of us need anti-depressants for life in the same way as a diabetic would receive insulin and to take you off them is, at the very least, grossly irresponsible even criminally negligent (sorry, I'm a lawyer and I'm fuming at the poor treatment you've been getting).I need to dash and cook tea for my army of kids - but if you want to PM me - please do so.Hang in there but be bossy - you need some proper help and I'd say a course of anti-depressants and now.Sue


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## trapped (Nov 1, 2007)

SueV said:


> Right - first off - DON'T APOLOGISE - thats what we are here for - you are in a desperate state and you need to put some of those feeling down "on paper" so to speak and thats absolutely fair enough. If you are having suicidal thoughts - you should be getting proper, regular help - either in hospital or working closely with a community psychiatric team - sorry, don't know if you are a Brit or not - but if you are - then at the very least, you should have a CPN - I have still and I've been well for getting on for 2 years.


Thanks for your reply. It's really good to know there are people out there who understand







Yes I am a Brit. West London to be precise which is probably why the service is so shocking. I'd love a CPN as in my brief experience they are usually very helpful but no such luck, as I said b4, just a never ending procession of locums who never stay more than 2 months. I've been having suicidal thoughts since I was 3 (another thing the duty officer was nasty about when I told her) and I have acted on them many times in the past.My only hope is that I'm about to move to a different borough so I'm hoping they will refer me to another centre.Last Dr stopped antidepressants because he said I was only moderate to mildly depressed and personally I think he had a personal cruisade to get everyone off seroxat. not that i'm sorry to see the back of seroxat as it wasn't really helping and it's really hard to withdraw from. But now I'm left high and dry. Just because I manage to hold down a job and I can get up in the mornings they think I'm not worth bothering with. I know I am lucky to be able to function and I know there are people who are a lot sicker than I am but surely life shouldn't be this miserable?


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## Guest (Nov 1, 2007)

No you shouldn't be feeling like this and I'm really sorry you are on the receiving end of such shitty treatment - it is a lottery isn't it - I've been very lucky - well I don't know if you'd consider 6 weeks in a psychiatric unit lucky - but I was a woman at the end of a very long rope so it where I needed to be. It took 3 attempts of different anti-d's before I found one that suited (mitrazapene 30mg daily). Its not widely prescribed but I had to try 2 before I found this one. They are very ideosyncratic "beasts" aren't they.You are going to have to bully them into taking you seriously - just because you are going to work - so what - if you are feeling like this - there is no way you are well. I'd go and sit in the doctor's surgery grimly until somebody takes you seriously!!!I wish you well - its a long, hard and bloody painful road - but I promise, with the right treatment, you will get better - or at least alot better than you are now.Sue


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## 17190 (Apr 1, 2006)

Dear trapped,You have made an important step. You joined this board. We are all here for you all the time. Much love to you. Nerfmom


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## Cherrie (Sep 1, 2006)

Trapped... Sorry I was out the whole day and just got back and saw your post... I am so so sorry that you're going through so much now and I am so so sorry that your dr betrayed your trust







. And like Sue and Nerfmom said, you have taken an important step in joining this site and in reaching out for help. And Sue has given you great advice.Just want to add that you're totally not alone and there are many people all over the world suffering from IBS and anxiety, just like you. We may not be at your physical vicinity, but we are all here for you. And if you're having suicidal thoughts, no matter how mild your depression or anxiety seems to be, having suicidal thoughts is a serious matter and there's NOTHING mild about it. I am very very thankful that you have spoken out and found us.From reading the posts here on this site and posting back and forth here with people, I can assure you that your suituation is NOT hopeless, although I do completely understand what you're going through. There ARE so many different medications, treatments, and coping strategies to improve quality of life of people with IBS. Here are a few things if you haven't tried them already: probiotics -- with the right strain, many people find their D disappearing (they will still have bad days, but their symptoms are much more manageable); peppermint, cinamon, levsin, and most recently vitamin D, among many others to take for pain; Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Hypnotherapy to treat D and pain; and many many things that you can find on this site -- just scroll down the forums main site and you'll find all these forums talking about meds, treatments, OTC products, etc... And in the symptoms forums you could post any concerns about your symptoms, and even vent your frustration... And there are other and much better dr.s out there. And please don't lose heart -- it does take a lot of us many tries to find a good dr. --many of us are still trying -- but you WILL eventually find one.Please, please, please don't lose hope -- many of us have all once been where you are now and come out through the other (and sunnier) end of the tunnel -- and there IS an end to this tunnel. If you're having suicidal thoughts and need immediate help or need to talk to someone on the phone, please make use of the Crisis Resources here and call someone: http://www.ibsgroup.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=71753I'm truly thankful that you've decided to join and talk to us and please do keep talking. You have all of us here, always.Cherrie


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