# How do you communicate?



## shyra22f (May 9, 2000)

I posted this over in the Adult Meeting Place, but thought I could also find help in this forum as well. This is something I really want to start working on as my CB Therapist feels strongly that this is one of the core reasons for my panic/anxiety. I've kind of known this all along, but gaining the skills to do it it's another story!! This doesn't just go for a relationship with a significant other.. it applies to every relationship in my life.What works best for you when communicating your feelings in a relationship? I have a hard time showing my feelings when I am angry or sad and am never really too sure how to bring these emotions up. The worst part of this is that I just let things slide for awhile and then I'll blow up over a small thing (kind of like the cliche "the straw that broke the camels back"). This isn't fair for me, as I feel like I'm carrying the weight of all these emotions, which is not healthy in the least. And it's not fair for others in my life as I can be pretty unpredictable when it comes to confrontation. I find that when I do try to bring things up I can't find the words and want to do it in a way that I won't offend the other person. Sometimes I like to write letters, but that takes time and I would rather deal with the situation at hand when it occurs, not days after the fact. I should add that my boyfriend is a good listener and has never said anything negatively about me expressing myself (one of the first people I've ever known to be like this). I was raised to be a 'people pleaser' and I think as a result have grown to believe that any kind of confrontation is a bad thing. I've had bad relationships in the past with friends who would get angry with me when I would say 'no' or let them know if I was angry or hurting (maybe they didn't expect this from me). I'm starting to see that this is the root of a lot of my anxiety/panic and that goes for communicating anger or sadness with anyone. I want to be able to have the confidence to stick up for myself and let other people know if they're doing something that is upsetting to me. I'm tired of being angry at people for doing repeditive behavior that upsets me and them not having a clue. I'm sure if I could say something it would stop and I would be much happier! So if anyone can offer any wise words of advice on communicating effectively I would really appreciate it.------------------"I'm not a failure if I don't make it - I'm a success because I tried"-unknown


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## BQ (May 22, 2000)

Shyra, Recovering People Pleaser here.







(Think we should get T-shirts???







)Yep I know it. I would always think of the perfect thing to say & the perfect way to say it AFTER the event. Well that turned out to be another problem, the word "perfect". I thought I HAD to have the "Best" way to say something so I wouldn't hurt their feelings. Turns out I'm not as dumb as I thought. I CAN speak in the moment. My job is to communicate clearly what my feelings are; ie I think Rhetana or somebody put this up awhile ago & it is good to use. "I feel.........when you...........because......... Fill in the blanks. Expand on it or adjust to suit your situation. Now here's the important part, what the other person says or does in response to me is their responsibilty. I can't "hurt" someone else's feelings,( of course being courteous & respectful in tone when using the above mentioned fill in the blanks is essential.) they can allow my words to do that if they decide, but they have to decide that. I never speak when I'm too angry, hungry or sick BTW. I have to feel I can separate the facts from the emotions. I have to examine the value of telling them How I feel, & what my motivation is. Just telling them "You know you really ticked me off!" is basically worthless. What does it accomplish? Communicating can't be used as a steam valve.Alot of my problems were imagining they were gonna get all upset because I disagreed with them. However, they weren't that upset when I said things like "You know, I just can't agree with that. I think or feel......". If I dished out respect I usually got it back. Were they doing handstands when they discovered I had my own mind? Nope.







But there was no blood or tears. Well not that I witnessed. When it slowly dawned on them that I was having my say, they couldn't say anything against me, because I talked to them with respect. What could they say???Sarcasm on their part in the beginning of all this was prolific. I found an easy way to deal with that.......just take it literally! "Oh that's a "smart" idea!" I say "Why thank you, I thought so." They cut the sarcasm pretty quick, only difficulty I had was keeping a straight face.Shy, you know your friends & family. You know how they respond or react to you. Practice what & how you will respond. Ask your boyfriend to play the part of one of them & you play you. Laugh then, so you can get the giggles out of the way. But I swear to you I did this with my hubby & I eventually got to the point when I could say what I wanted & in a manner I wanted to say it, & when I wanted to say it. Just so you know, one can always state feelings after the fact. You don't have to be so glib in the moment, just remind them of the incident or conversation & then go for it. Hope this helps.







BQ


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## wanderingstar (Dec 1, 1999)

Shyra, just wanted to show some support here as I'm the same as you. Sometimes I just pluck up the courage and say what I feel, and usually the consquences are no way like what I imagined. I usually don't communicate what I feel to save hassle for myself, but it usually just ends up creating more hassle. susan


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## BBolen Ph.D (Nov 9, 2000)

Shyra, it is great that you are working toward healthier expression of your feelings. There is research that has found that people with IBS have more difficulty with assertion than those without. It puts quite a strain on a system to try to repress strong feelings.There is a classic book on assertiveness that might help: Your Perfect Right by Alberti and Emmons.Some pointers:When you say "I feel..." make sure you than use a feeling word such as frustrated, angry, scared, etc. This thus communicates how you feel about what the other person did or did not do, not that you are saying that what they did was wrong. If you say "I feel that.." you are now giving an opinion, not expressing your emotion.Remember that assertiveness does not always work. You may express yourself beautifully, but the other person still responds with defensiveness or hostility. But it still feels better to have said "Ouch".In evaluating a situation, you may decide that asserting yourself is not your best option. The important thing is to have the confidence to know that you could have said something, even if you decide it is in your best interests not to.So, good luck with it. It sounds as those around you will support you in your efforts.------------------This input is provided solely for educational purposes and is not to be seen as a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always consult a qualified professional about your personal medical needs and any questions you may have regarding this information.


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## eric (Jul 8, 1999)

Great thread!







------------------Moderator of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Anxiety and Hypnotherapy forumI work with Mike and the IBS Audio Program. www.ibshealth.com www.ibsaudioprogram.com


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## shyra22f (May 9, 2000)

Thank you everyone for your help. I didn't realize after I posted what a complex thing I was asking. But everything mentioned is very helpful. I found myself in a situation a few days ago that was quite upsetting for me, yet I didn't know what to say as I didn't want to upset the other person. Also at times, I find myself second guessing my feelings. In a way I think I make excuses for other people's behavior and down play it in my mind. Maybe this is just a way for me to avoid confrontation by thinking that what they are doing is okay? I honestly have found myself over reacting to something someone else has done and I have a hard time distinguishing when it's right or wrong.------------------"I'm not a failure if I don't make it - I'm a success because I tried"-unknown


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## Kathleen M. (Nov 16, 1999)

Sometimes it also helps to communictate using the I am feeling angry, sad, whatever. It helps you identifying the feeling as a feeling. And there is a bit of a cognitive difference between I am feeling angry and I am angry. I think that the I am feeling.... is easier to express and easier to deal with than when I say to myself or others I am angry. Like that makes all of me angry rather than just my feelings are angry.I dunno if that makes alot of sense, but it seems to help with the dealing with the feelings to be clear with myself and others that it's a feeling rather than a who I am kinda thing. After all feelings come and go, but the who I am is a bit harder to do something about.It might help to spend a bit of time expressing your feelings and emotions in a journal where you just write it down. What we don't practice we tend not to be good at, and if you can practice with yourself by writting it down and having some time to look at your words and see if they really fit (do they express what you want them to) could help when you go to do it with someone else. And sometimes writting then down helps diffuse them so you don't get to the camel breaking part of the process as you dealt with things before it got that far.K.And it's OK if you just sit staring at a blank page for awhile before you can start writing stuff down, as if your not used to doing it, it can take awhile to get in the groove with it. ------------------I have no financial, academic, or any other stake in any commercial product mentioned by me.My story and what worked for me in greatly easing my IBS: http://www.ibsgroup.org/ubb/Forum17/HTML/000015.html


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