# My two options, control or suicide



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

My story began 8 years ago when my sometimes symptoms, pain, diarrhea, constipation, extreme bloating and gas became an everyday issue, especially the pain. I wake up in the morning one pant size and within two hours I am two sizes larger due to the bloating. I have tried every medication and nothing works not even a little. I even ate a whole box of gas-x within one hour with no effect. My larger problem is the pain. Every-day I have been in pain and on good days its at a 5 or 6 on the 10 scale and thats with large doses of medication prescription and over the counter. On average I go through 100 tylnol#1 every week and have been doing so for the last 8 years. On my really bad days I may even take up to 40 in one 24 hour period. At the beginning I found my husband and his family to be helpful and understanding but that soon changed. Within 2 years my husband grew tired of my disease and I found his support to be diminishing. He would still take me to the hospital if I needed it but I could sense a change in him and it showed in his eyes and body language. My son was supportive but since he was only 9 when I developed IBS I tried to shield him as much as possible but since I had to spend so much time in bed he noticed. My biggest concern was that he have a childhood. In a lot of wasy I failed him in that. I am supposed to protect him not the other was around. He did find it frustrating at times when I refused to go to the hospital when I needed to because he did not understand that it was less painful to stay home than possibly drive 45 min, to the hospital and may not even be treated, which occured alot. I have fought for 8 long years and almost lost my life along the way several times. My worst time was 4 years ago when I became so sick I stopped eating due to the pain which lead to me passing out over half a dozen times due to malnutrition and dehydration. It also led to 6 concussions in 2 months. I had to walk with a cain for 3 months and learn to print and write again. My fine motor skills basically had to be relearned but doing things like making the bed or dishes I could do. I would practice my abc's over and over and within 6 months had taught myself to write again. I do find that I still am a little weak in that regard though. Which is why I say my two options are control or suicide. Before I found this web site I was on the verge of suicide, now I figure I have about one more year of fight left in me. Its not that I want to die because I don't. I want to see my son grow, get a career,get married and have a family of his own. I would love to hold my grandchild some day, its just that the pain has finally worn me down. I am tired. I know other people have it worse than me but between my lack of family support and lack of support and understanding from the medical community I have had enough. I can not even explain to a doctor how tired I am because if I said its bad enough that I only have one year of fight left then I would commit suicide they would either commit me, put me on antidepressants or both. They would not address the real issue that being my IBS. I hope that if that time would come when I ended it that maybe my story would get out there and hopefully help at least one person to find control and support and maybe get people to realize this is a real disease and deserves real help just like someone with heart disease or diabetes receives.Please keep up the fight and take care. Angel


----------



## Memnoch_the_odd (Apr 19, 2010)

the misty angel said:


> My story began 8 years ago when my sometimes symptoms, pain, diarrhea, constipation, extreme bloating and gas became an everyday issue, especially the pain. I wake up in the morning one pant size and within two hours I am two sizes larger due to the bloating. I have tried every medication and nothing works not even a little. I even ate a whole box of gas-x within one hour with no effect. My larger problem is the pain. Every-day I have been in pain and on good days its at a 5 or 6 on the 10 scale and thats with large doses of medication prescription and over the counter. On average I go through 100 tylnol#1 every week and have been doing so for the last 8 years. On my really bad days I may even take up to 40 in one 24 hour period. At the beginning I found my husband and his family to be helpful and understanding but that soon changed. Within 2 years my husband grew tired of my disease and I found his support to be diminishing. He would still take me to the hospital if I needed it but I could sense a change in him and it showed in his eyes and body language. My son was supportive but since he was only 9 when I developed IBS I tried to shield him as much as possible but since I had to spend so much time in bed he noticed. My biggest concern was that he have a childhood. In a lot of wasy I failed him in that. I am supposed to protect him not the other was around. He did find it frustrating at times when I refused to go to the hospital when I needed to because he did not understand that it was less painful to stay home than possibly drive 45 min, to the hospital and may not even be treated, which occured alot. I have fought for 8 long years and almost lost my life along the way several times. My worst time was 4 years ago when I became so sick I stopped eating due to the pain which lead to me passing out over half a dozen times due to malnutrition and dehydration. It also led to 6 concussions in 2 months. I had to walk with a cain for 3 months and learn to print and write again. My fine motor skills basically had to be relearned but doing things like making the bed or dishes I could do. I would practice my abc's over and over and within 6 months had taught myself to write again. I do find that I still am a little weak in that regard though. Which is why I say my two options are control or suicide. Before I found this web site I was on the verge of suicide, now I figure I have about one more year of fight left in me. Its not that I want to die because I don't. I want to see my son grow, get a career,get married and have a family of his own. I would love to hold my grandchild some day, its just that the pain has finally worn me down. I am tired. I know other people have it worse than me but between my lack of family support and lack of support and understanding from the medical community I have had enough. I can not even explain to a doctor how tired I am because if I said its bad enough that I only have one year of fight left then I would commit suicide they would either commit me, put me on antidepressants or both. They would not address the real issue that being my IBS. I hope that if that time would come when I ended it that maybe my story would get out there and hopefully help at least one person to find control and support and maybe get people to realize this is a real disease and deserves real help just like someone with heart disease or diabetes receives.Please keep up the fight and take care. Angel


Oh my, If I were talking to you in person I would walk my constipated,gassy self over there and give you a hug right now. I'm so sorry for what you are suffering through. I don't have symptoms nearly as bad, but can understand why you would feel ready to give up. But I hope you don't. I have a mother who has IBS. She's had it for many years and while I hate to see her suffer I would never want to lose her because of this disease. I'm sure your son would feel the same way.I admire you for battling through this for as long as you have and I'm sorry for your husband and his lack of continuing compassion. I would like to say that the doctors would listen to why you are ready to give up and actually make efforts to help but I've experienced similar treatment to what you fear they would do. It seems that most of the time, they are completely uninterested in our sufferings. I hope that you are able to at least find some relief from IBS, more so than myself. You have a child to love and care for, I've been lucky (?) enough to get IBS before getting married or having children so I can avoid it. You sound like a wonderful woman and I hope that in a year you won't feel like ending your life. My heart goes out to you.


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

> They would not address the real issue that being my IBS.


After they diagnose the IBS.... there isn't a whole lot they can do for you. Symptoms management is kind of up to us to find for ourselves.. since IBS is different for all of us. No ONE treatment exists. So it is trial and error. You must try things.. yourself. I know you said you tried "everything" but have you tried hypnotherapy?? other means of pain management?? Have you tried ALL combinations of treatments working together?? (BTW THAT is what most folks find helps them best).You DO sound depressed. You sound like an IBS patient WITH depression. So I would definitely get that depression treated as that is probably making you feel way worse. (And for your info... anti-depressants have been known to HELP those the ab pain! I don't understand your aversion to them.. ???)If you are still feeling suicidal...in a year. in a week... or in the next minute..... then you should seek the help of a Mental Health professional IMMEDIATELY.We can help you learn how to manage your IBS... we cannot treat your depression and or suicidal thoughts.. so PLEASE seek treatment for those.


----------



## usagoldie (Oct 14, 2011)

I have felt just like you. I had surgery in 1987. After that, the pain ruled my life. They said it was the MS. I didn't know other MS'ers who had this pain. I couldn't even have elastic at my waistband. I walked with a cane and as weak as a kitten. After 3 yrs. of constant, unrelenting pain, I made up my mind I was NOT going to talk to others about my pain, except for my friends, other MScateers. I didn't know if I could make it another day. And I was passing out. In 2000 I went to a new chiropracter and he pulled my leg, and everyone in the whold office could hear a HUGE SNAP!!!!!!! For the first time, I wasn't in pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My hip was DISLOCATED for all those years!!!!!!!!!!! The Dr.s also told me it was JUST the MS. Maybe IBS, blah blah blah!!!! MY F-----g hip was out of the socket people!!!!!!!! I was walking normal, no cane, no pain. Then the IBS took hold and pain to this date. I am telling you this because you cannot look at in one year, I can't take it any longer. You can only stay in today. Only for today, this AM or this hour, or just for these 5 minites. You can never do that to your child. Your child would rather have you in pain, ( teaches him compasion for his future wife ect.) than to have to tell people for the rest of his life that you killed yourself. Don't give the f-----g devil a foothold to bring you down. You can do this. We will all be there for you and you can vent all you need to, and then you can be there for your family. AND you can be there for yourself. You are VERY strong. This is not for sissys, this pain. I have even been told by Dr.'s that they don't BELIEVE me!!!!!! Get RID OF 'EM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had one Dr. ask my husband if I LIKED to be sick!!! Get RID OF 'EM!!!!!!!!!! My husband knows how strong I am and he knows how weak I am. YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Break it into minutes if you have to. Do you pray??? Do you have a journal? If anyone finds my journal, they will lock me up with all the anger I can write!!! Hell I gotta stay alive to make sure no body FINDS the damn thing!!! I hope I have brought some humor to you day. I cry all the time!!! Oh, one more thing. Guess what??? In '08 the Dr. said I DON'T HAVE MS!!!!!!! Now they say I have Shy Draggars!!! WHATEVER!!!!! Good thing I wouldn't take their MS treatments, ( they thought I was uncooperative) Hell, I'd be DEAD from those drugs if I took them.


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

Memnoch_the_odd said:


> Oh my, If I were talking to you in person I would walk my constipated,gassy self over there and give you a hug right now. I'm so sorry for what you are suffering through. I don't have symptoms nearly as bad, but can understand why you would feel ready to give up. But I hope you don't. I have a mother who has IBS. She's had it for many years and while I hate to see her suffer I would never want to lose her because of this disease. I'm sure your son would feel the same way.I admire you for battling through this for as long as you have and I'm sorry for your husband and his lack of continuing compassion. I would like to say that the doctors would listen to why you are ready to give up and actually make efforts to help but I've experienced similar treatment to what you fear they would do. It seems that most of the time, they are completely uninterested in our sufferings. I hope that you are able to at least find some relief from IBS, more so than myself. You have a child to love and care for, I've been lucky (?) enough to get IBS before getting married or having children so I can avoid it. You sound like a wonderful woman and I hope that in a year you won't feel like ending your life. My heart goes out to you.


Thank-you for your reply and for your compassion and understanding. Four years ago when I was at my sickest my 13 year old son came to me sat down and said if I wanted to let go and end my life he would understand and would help me if I needed it. I had never spoken of suicide when he was around so this statement from him shocked me to the core. I wondered how he new what I was thinking and feeleing and asked him. He said that it was unfair for anyone to suffer like I was and that if I was an animal I would be humanly put to sleep but because I was human and just had IBS nobody cared. I cried. I would never take him up on his offer of help but it did ease my heart a little that he understood. I always knew that when he grew up he would be a great man and this just proved it. I always tried to keep him as distant from my IBS as possible but when you need help walking, eating(I could not even cut my own food),dressing etc. kids see and know these things. Kids are a lot smarter and more observant than we give them credit for.I would encourage you to find someone to share your life with because it truely is an amazing gift. If I could change some parts of my life I would as long as I could keep my son. He is one gift I would never give up.Take care of yourself and I hope to speak with you again. Angel


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

BQ said:


> After they diagnose the IBS.... there isn't a whole lot they can do for you. Symptoms management is kind of up to us to find for ourselves.. since IBS is different for all of us. No ONE treatment exists. So it is trial and error. You must try things.. yourself. I know you said you tried "everything" but have you tried hypnotherapy?? other means of pain management?? Have you tried ALL combinations of treatments working together?? (BTW THAT is what most folks find helps them best).You DO sound depressed. You sound like an IBS patient WITH depression. So I would definitely get that depression treated as that is probably making you feel way worse. (And for your info... anti-depressants have been known to HELP those the ab pain! I don't understand your aversion to them.. ???)If you are still feeling suicidal...in a year. in a week... or in the next minute..... then you should seek the help of a Mental Health professional IMMEDIATELY.We can help you learn how to manage your IBS... we cannot treat your depression and or suicidal thoughts.. so PLEASE seek treatment for those.


Thank-you for taking the time to reply. Just to answer a few of your questions yes I have tried multiple combinations of treatments. It includes everything except hypnotherapy, I can not be hypnotized. I have tried medications, prescription and over the counter, different diet therapies,diet along with medication, vitamins, natural supplements, and the list goes on. When I was 13 I did suffer from depression and attempted suicide and the doctors are still amazed I survived. There is a difference from why I tried suicide then and why I am considering it now. Under depression a person thinks suicide is the only way to stop their physical,mental,and emotional pain. You don't think of the conquences of your actions as all you are focused on is stopping the hurt. When I contemplate suicide now I fully understand what I am doing and the conquences of my actions. I have the support of my husband and son and a few friends who know of the serious nature of my condition. I do not want to die but if I had cancer and was in this amount of pain people would understand if I took my own life. But, because its IBS that automatically means depression as soon as suicide is mentioned. I don't know if you have ever spent years in terrible pain every day but I have. There are times I follow the second hand on my watch just tring to make it to the next second due to the pain. Every morning it takes me an hour on average just to get out of bed because that is how long it takes for the medication to make some kind of dent in my pain.I have tried medications to the point the side effects have nearly killed me because I am so intent on finding something that works I will go to any length to 'fix' this disease. That is why I always try everything twice just in case I misjudged or missunderstood the side effects the first time. I spend 8 to 12 weeks on average testing new theories,medications,food diets,and therapies each time so I make sure to give then a fair shake so to speak.I hope yours is controlled and you never experience the hell I am going through but I promise you its not depression because if it was and I was contemplating suicide seriously I would never tell anyone, that is also the difference between depression and cronic severe pain. I have been on both sides of the fence and am also trained in suicide intervention for my fire department so I understand all sides. Chronic pain can cause depression but not in my case. Here is a question to contemplate,which is more selfish to make my family watch me suffer and suffer along with me or to commit suicide and put a stop to everyone's suffering? I have heard people argue both sides just as I can do. Personally I think they are equally selfish to a point. Take care,Angel


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

> When I contemplate suicide now I fully understand what I am doing and the conquences of my actions.


Contemplating it AT all is a symptom of Depression hun.


> I hope yours is controlled and you never experience the hell I am going through but I promise you its not depression because if it was and I was contemplating suicide seriously I would never tell anyone, that is also the difference between depression and cronic severe pain. I have been on both sides of the fence and am also trained in suicide intervention for my fire department so I understand all sides.


Well then.. you should know talking about just as you have is an indication that you could use the help of a mental health professional.And you should also have a very clear understanding that there is NO shame in that.Please.. do not mention "suicide" again here... Like I said we take that very seriously here... for obvious reasons. As it should be taken very seriously ALWAYS. (And I'm sure on SOME level you know this) Please seek professional mental health treatment if you are even thinkign about it.You are not the only one here suffering..... many of us are. And many of us have gone through years worth of trial & error and do not necessarily have IBS under "control" 100% of the time. I don't. So please understand... you are in GOOD company here. We just choose to keep trying to find something that WILL help us control things more. You sounded like you were "giving up" and THAT is a problem that we cannot help you with here. Sorry.If you want help with your IBS... try keeping an open mind to alternative treatments and read here about what has helped others with similiar symptoms. Use our "Search" function on the upper tight of the page here... and read all you can about what helps others. Post your questions about things and we will do our best to help you. But please... understand there is NO shame in being depressed nor seeking treatment for it.


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

BQ said:


> Contemplating it AT all is a symptom of Depression hun.Well then.. you should know talking about just as you have is an indication that you could use the help of a mental health professional.And you should also have a very clear understanding that there is NO shame in that.Please.. do not mention "suicide" again here... Like I said we take that very seriously here... for obvious reasons. As it should be taken very seriously ALWAYS. (And I'm sure on SOME level you know this) Please seek professional mental health treatment if you are even thinkign about it.You are not the only one here suffering..... many of us are. And many of us have gone through years worth of trial & error and do not necessarily have IBS under "control" 100% of the time. I don't. So please understand... you are in GOOD company here. We just choose to keep trying to find something that WILL help us control things more. You sounded like you were "giving up" and THAT is a problem that we cannot help you with here. Sorry.If you want help with your IBS... try keeping an open mind to alternative treatments and read here about what has helped others with similiar symptoms. Use our "Search" function on the upper tight of the page here... and read all you can about what helps others. Post your questions about things and we will do our best to help you. But please... understand there is NO shame in being depressed nor seeking treatment for it.


I to agree that there is no shame in depression or seeking treatment for it but you you must understand that talk about suicide and the actual act,successful or not, is also part of depression and by telling me to not speak about it here again shows that you do find one aspect of depression hard to deal with. In depression talk of suicide especially if the person can name specifics on how they would carry out their death is a big indicator to how close they are to trying. Someone talking about suicide and another saying exactly how they are going to do it usually shows how close they are. I had one friend talk to me about it and I wasn't worried another told me he was thinking about suicide and was going to do it by hanging. The hair on my neck stood up and I raced to his house and was able to cut him down and save his life.The suicide I am referring to in my case in some countries would be called assisted suicide and under certain medical 'conditions' is actually performed to alievate suffering. I have had a doctor and counsler tell me that they would sign a form allowing this in my case if it was legal in my country which is isn't.Just to let you know I have tried and used anti-depressants and the only time they helped was when I suffered post-partum depression after the birth of my son. Whenever a doctor wanted to put me on a different anti-depressant even when I knew I was not depressed I still took it hoping it would help. Unless the side effects were severe I stayed on them for at least 8 to 12 weeks and took them properly when I was supposed to and how I was supposed to. I am sorry to hear that yours is not under control but understand I have tried medications that have nearly stopped my heart. I am willing to risk my life trying to save it, but, when all you can do is sit on the sidelines and watch life go by what kind of life is that. I exist I don't live. I have tried and will try to my last breath whether its in one year or fifty years. People who have seen me get sicker over the years say that it is not fair to continue to make me suffer. One doctor who told me he sees people with IBS as too emotional and just seeking drugs refused to examine me when my husband rushed me to the ER one day. He told me to leave despite me telling the pain was different (and I have encountered this with other doctors also despite my history). The next day I passed a kidney stone 8mm in size. I did lodge a complaint and was told he did what was right for him and they would support the doctor if it went any further and I was told to seek help elsewhere if I was unsatisified with this. Maybe now you can understand my plight a little better. Can you inagine being told to suck it up or find another hospital. Yes I know I can challenge it further but with my health its very difficult and they know this. Angel


----------



## BQ (May 22, 2000)

> I exist I don't live.


It is my belief that, that is a choice.


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

[quote name='BQ' timestamp='1319335735' post='846944']It is my belief that, that is a choice.By isolating one sentence its very easy to take it out of context. The 'conversation' needs to be kept whole in order to be understood.


----------



## usagoldie (Oct 14, 2011)

When you say you want to stop "their" suffering, that will never stop their suffering. They would suffer your loss forever.At least this way, they are not suffering as much as you. They hurt for you, they love you and feel helpless, yes, but they are not suffering. The suffering would be if they didn't have you in their life. To have a Mother who loves them, regardless if the best gift you give them. Yes, even if you love them from your bed. Yes, even if you love them from the ER, hospital, over the phone, texting or notes. All that would stop if you weren't around and the greatest pain, suffering would be a hell for those left behind. It is way different if you died from the pain, or a condition, than from your own hand. I can tell, you have the strength to continue to love your boys, yes, hubby and son. They are your boys, and they need your love more than anything. You are still able to love, so stay with that. Hugs, Goldie


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

usagoldie said:


> When you say you want to stop "their" suffering, that will never stop their suffering. They would suffer your loss forever.At least this way, they are not suffering as much as you. They hurt for you, they love you and feel helpless, yes, but they are not suffering. The suffering would be if they didn't have you in their life. To have a Mother who loves them, regardless if the best gift you give them. Yes, even if you love them from your bed. Yes, even if you love them from the ER, hospital, over the phone, texting or notes. All that would stop if you weren't around and the greatest pain, suffering would be a hell for those left behind. It is way different if you died from the pain, or a condition, than from your own hand. I can tell, you have the strength to continue to love your boys, yes, hubby and son. They are your boys, and they need your love more than anything. You are still able to love, so stay with that. Hugs, Goldie


You sound so kind and caring I wish I had people like you around here. Its too bad your not a doctor because people could really benefit from your kindness and wisdom. I will keep trying and let you know through my posts if things change either for the better or worse. Angel


----------



## usagoldie (Oct 14, 2011)

the misty angel said:


> You sound so kind and caring I wish I had people like you around here. Its too bad your not a doctor because people could really benefit from your kindness and wisdom. I will keep trying and let you know through my posts if things change either for the better or worse. Angel


I want to tell you how I get what I want. Sounds funny huh! I learned this from listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. She is my shining light. When I feel BAD I DO GOOD. I do something good for someone else, and then I feel good about it. It may be someone on the phone, like saying thankyou for being there today, even if it is a DR.s office or whomever. I may leave a message on someones voice mail that I am thinking of them. Sometimes I hope they aren't home, because I don't want to really talk to anyone. I will force myself to say something nice, not just that they look nice or some blah blah saying. I may say, thank you for being there today. Even if it is a stranger and I am making a phone order. I ASK MY HUSBAND HOW HE IS DOING. I tell him it must be hard for HIM. I get out of myself and don't focus on me. I do hibernate and I do hide from people, especially when my pain is so bad. I sing when the pain is a 9. Something about the diaphram moving that brings it to a 4, even if just for a while. I try to give what I WANT. Many times I get it in return, sometimes not just then. Most people don't even know that I am in pain. I can hide it until it is higher than a 6. I hide it, because then I can get what I want!! Some people say I am AMAZING. I know I am not but if they think I am, it feels good to hear that. I tell THEM that they are amazing, talanted, kind, good, understanding, wonderful mother, dad, son, daughter etc. etc. because that is what I NEED. And then I get it! I will try to live by EXAMPLE. I will be the change I want to see. I want to be loved, and that is how I get it. I watch a lot of crime shows and I love them. I love how they solve a case and then get the dirtbag who killed somebody. BUT there is a downside. I have to temper it with Dr. Laura or prayer, or journal or song, or my art. When my pain is so bad and I watch that crime, my coping skills get weak for the pain. I have to have enough reservoir of good stuff so I can cope with the bad. I hope I have helped in some small way. I am late for going to my horses, but I really wanted to take the time to talk to you this morning. You have been on my mind thru the day. Remember this when you are down. You have affected people on this site already. We are thinking of you now and I want to check my computer to see if you are there. I am not savvy on this thing. I couldn't find my posts or where you were again, but I persevered. My pain in rip roaring now that I have sat for too long. Should have had ny laptop on the couch to lay down. Oh well, I am off to see Gods treasures he has bestowed upon me, my horses. If you want to feast your eyes on beauty, you can friend me on Facebook and see my horses. Hey, go to You Tube and put in usagoldie and look up "My horse falls in love with himself in the mirror" That is one of my boys. The other on youtube is "My horse walks thru fire" You will fall in love with my treasures and lift your spirits. By for now, Goldie


----------



## [email protected] (Oct 15, 2011)

You should be brave.and strong..My situation was also bad.but not as you..i had lost around 1/3 of weight ie 28 kg. I wanted to be a body builder .my dream was broken.but i would not give up. I ll become a body builder.my wrist broke in an accident .i ll join the zym again. This is what i have learned after reading struggles of people against ibs.the best thing told by doctor was that don't give up eating. And don't take stress .this makes us to feel weak.. Now i hav gained back 15 kg of my weight back.


----------



## [email protected] (Oct 15, 2011)

You should be brave.and strong..My situation was also bad.but not as you..i had lost around 1/3 of weight ie 28 kg. I wanted to be a body builder .my dream was broken.but i would not give up. I ll become a body builder.my wrist broke in an accident .i ll join the zym again. This is what i have learned after reading struggles of people against ibs.the best thing told by doctor was that don't give up eating. And don't take stress .this makes us to feel weak.. Now i hav gained back 15 kg of my weight back.


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

usagoldie said:


> I want to tell you how I get what I want. Sounds funny huh! I learned this from listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. She is my shining light. When I feel BAD I DO GOOD. I do something good for someone else, and then I feel good about it. It may be someone on the phone, like saying thankyou for being there today, even if it is a DR.s office or whomever. I may leave a message on someones voice mail that I am thinking of them. Sometimes I hope they aren't home, because I don't want to really talk to anyone. I will force myself to say something nice, not just that they look nice or some blah blah saying. I may say, thank you for being there today. Even if it is a stranger and I am making a phone order. I ASK MY HUSBAND HOW HE IS DOING. I tell him it must be hard for HIM. I get out of myself and don't focus on me. I do hibernate and I do hide from people, especially when my pain is so bad. I sing when the pain is a 9. Something about the diaphram moving that brings it to a 4, even if just for a while. I try to give what I WANT. Many times I get it in return, sometimes not just then. Most people don't even know that I am in pain. I can hide it until it is higher than a 6. I hide it, because then I can get what I want!! Some people say I am AMAZING. I know I am not but if they think I am, it feels good to hear that. I tell THEM that they are amazing, talanted, kind, good, understanding, wonderful mother, dad, son, daughter etc. etc. because that is what I NEED. And then I get it! I will try to live by EXAMPLE. I will be the change I want to see. I want to be loved, and that is how I get it. I watch a lot of crime shows and I love them. I love how they solve a case and then get the dirtbag who killed somebody. BUT there is a downside. I have to temper it with Dr. Laura or prayer, or journal or song, or my art. When my pain is so bad and I watch that crime, my coping skills get weak for the pain. I have to have enough reservoir of good stuff so I can cope with the bad. I hope I have helped in some small way. I am late for going to my horses, but I really wanted to take the time to talk to you this morning. You have been on my mind thru the day. Remember this when you are down. You have affected people on this site already. We are thinking of you now and I want to check my computer to see if you are there. I am not savvy on this thing. I couldn't find my posts or where you were again, but I persevered. My pain in rip roaring now that I have sat for too long. Should have had ny laptop on the couch to lay down. Oh well, I am off to see Gods treasures he has bestowed upon me, my horses. If you want to feast your eyes on beauty, you can friend me on Facebook and see my horses. Hey, go to You Tube and put in usagoldie and look up "My horse falls in love with himself in the mirror" That is one of my boys. The other on youtube is "My horse walks thru fire" You will fall in love with my treasures and lift your spirits. By for now, Goldie


I really appreciated your message but please don't put yourself through pain for me. As for you boys they are beautiful, I think I have already watched the videos at least 10 times each. I also love to ride horses but do not know anyone who has horses I can ride everyone I knows has oxen. My sons friend has a horse but its just a baby. My son just shook his head this summer because when I was dropping him off at his friends he asked if I could see the horse and my sons friend said yes. I was so excited when I saw him I squealed like a little kid and called it a horsey. My son says I will grow up someday. I just say I'm mature for a two year old its how I try to stay young.I also when I can try to help others even if its just saying thank-you or asking how their day is. Thats why I keep struggling to stay on the volunteer fire department. I may not get to many calls but I am able to help those I can and thus meet new people where I live. Some calls I am even lucky enough to be able to tell them I understand first hand what they are going through and then they also know they are not alone.Everything you have said has made me think more about how I can improve my situation or someone else's. I seemed to have been stuck in the pain mode and I even though its still just as bad I am really going to try to make someone else smile eachday. So, I greatly thank-you for that. Plus I thank-you for the gift of you videos of your boys. Now I have a beautiful sight to look at or I can at least listen to their hoof beats when the pain is terrible. Many,many thanks.I hope your pain has lessened from when you sent me the message and I hope you had a good ride today. Do you ride everyday? Do you find their upkeep is hard to do or does it also help lessen the pain? Sorry, I am always asking questions, my family says I'm worse than a kid. I hope to talk to you again soon. Angel


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> You should be brave.and strong..My situation was also bad.but not as you..i had lost around 1/3 of weight ie 28 kg. I wanted to be a body builder .my dream was broken.but i would not give up. I ll become a body builder.my wrist broke in an accident .i ll join the zym again. This is what i have learned after reading struggles of people against ibs.the best thing told by doctor was that don't give up eating. And don't take stress .this makes us to feel weak.. Now i hav gained back 15 kg of my weight back.


It was so nice to hear from you. This website is amazing because you can talk with people from all over the world. I am glad to hear that you have been able to gain some of the weight back that you lost. I also love your never give up attitude.Your doctor was very wise to tell you to not give up eating it does just weaken your whole body but for me when I stopped eating at one point I literally was unable to eat and the doctors were not treating it seriously. They kept telling my husband I was just suffering from anxorexia and that I would eventually get over it when I got hungry enough. Instead I collapsed. I love food and trying new recipies but where I live in 8 years of trying I have only found one good doctor and she just works in the ER. She also suffers from IBS and despite being a doctor she said that she also finds it very hard to find other doctors to be helpful and understanding.If I go to other proviences I may be able to find someone but don't have the money to travel so I will have to do it myself. I recently got the internet and was lucky enough to find this site.If I may ask is there anything special you do or take or eat that you find helps? Is your doctor still really involved or do you pretty much have to do this on your own. I know your doctor gave you great advice but did it last? I find doctors don't want to help alot because its such a difficult disease to help as it takes many tries before finding something that works if you ever find anything at all. I hope to hear from you again. With your spirit I think you can achieve anything you set your mind to. Angel


----------



## the misty angel (Oct 5, 2011)

usagoldie said:


> I want to tell you how I get what I want. Sounds funny huh! I learned this from listening to Dr. Laura on the radio. She is my shining light. When I feel BAD I DO GOOD. I do something good for someone else, and then I feel good about it. It may be someone on the phone, like saying thankyou for being there today, even if it is a DR.s office or whomever. I may leave a message on someones voice mail that I am thinking of them. Sometimes I hope they aren't home, because I don't want to really talk to anyone. I will force myself to say something nice, not just that they look nice or some blah blah saying. I may say, thank you for being there today. Even if it is a stranger and I am making a phone order. I ASK MY HUSBAND HOW HE IS DOING. I tell him it must be hard for HIM. I get out of myself and don't focus on me. I do hibernate and I do hide from people, especially when my pain is so bad. I sing when the pain is a 9. Something about the diaphram moving that brings it to a 4, even if just for a while. I try to give what I WANT. Many times I get it in return, sometimes not just then. Most people don't even know that I am in pain. I can hide it until it is higher than a 6. I hide it, because then I can get what I want!! Some people say I am AMAZING. I know I am not but if they think I am, it feels good to hear that. I tell THEM that they are amazing, talanted, kind, good, understanding, wonderful mother, dad, son, daughter etc. etc. because that is what I NEED. And then I get it! I will try to live by EXAMPLE. I will be the change I want to see. I want to be loved, and that is how I get it. I watch a lot of crime shows and I love them. I love how they solve a case and then get the dirtbag who killed somebody. BUT there is a downside. I have to temper it with Dr. Laura or prayer, or journal or song, or my art. When my pain is so bad and I watch that crime, my coping skills get weak for the pain. I have to have enough reservoir of good stuff so I can cope with the bad. I hope I have helped in some small way. I am late for going to my horses, but I really wanted to take the time to talk to you this morning. You have been on my mind thru the day. Remember this when you are down. You have affected people on this site already. We are thinking of you now and I want to check my computer to see if you are there. I am not savvy on this thing. I couldn't find my posts or where you were again, but I persevered. My pain in rip roaring now that I have sat for too long. Should have had ny laptop on the couch to lay down. Oh well, I am off to see Gods treasures he has bestowed upon me, my horses. If you want to feast your eyes on beauty, you can friend me on Facebook and see my horses. Hey, go to You Tube and put in usagoldie and look up "My horse falls in love with himself in the mirror" That is one of my boys. The other on youtube is "My horse walks thru fire" You will fall in love with my treasures and lift your spirits. By for now, Goldie


I just wanted to thank-you again. My pain is about a 9.5 out of 10 despite near lethal levels of medication but I was listening to your horses hoofbeats and thought I would try to do something to make someone else feel better. Since its almost 1:30am and my son is asleep I decided to do something for my cat Demon. He loves to drink directly from water bottles, its something he started after watching me drink from them. Anything I eat or drink he tries, I have given him water in a glass but he prefers it from the bottle. Its so cute but he scratches at the blanket first the kneeds while he drinks. I think it reminds him of being a kitten and his mom. He had been abused prior to us getting him and for the first 2 months if you tried to pet the top of his head he would try to burrow into the floor to get away. I kept trying because I knew he needed to know that we could be trusted. Slowly he relaxed until one day he literally without warning jumped into my arms when I wasn't looking. All the animals we have ever had had been abused prior to coming to us or they had been dumped. I know what its like to not be wanted so I understand where there mistrust comes from. I was going to try to volunteer at an animal shelter but just walking through when we found Demon put me in bed for almost 2 weeks. It was just so hard. I didn't even choose him he chose me. I looked at every cat in the shelter and then they took me to the quarantine room where all animals have to be kept for the first 2 weeks. Well I was told I was not allowed to touch anyone but when they saw Demon react to me the not only let me touch him but they took him out and let me hold him. All he did was give me kisses. They had never seen him do that before and asked what I had eaten that he liked but I haden't eaten in a week. I had to leave him there for another week until they were sure he was not sick and then I got to take him home. Sorry I tend to go on over the ones I love. Anyway I gave him a water bottle and treats. It didn't help my physical pain but it did put a smile on my face and for that I owe you one. Maybe one day I'll put up a picture of Demon so you can see how cute he is. One other funny story, the first time he went to the vets we took him and Viper (my other cat who passed away this summer from cancer) to the vet at the same time. After Demon got his shots and exam the vet gave him some treats and began on Viper. A couple of minutes later we heard a loud banging to find Demon had gotten up on the trash can and knocked the treats over trying to get more. The vet said no one had ever done that before. Boy can he make me laugh. When I get to the ocean I try to bring back shells,sand or feathers for him since he doesn't like cars since Viper died.Thake care and tell your boys I say hi. Sincerely Angel


----------



## usagoldie (Oct 14, 2011)

Hi Angel, I was so grateful to hear about Demon and Viper. Interesting names. With so much love you get from them. I loved how you saved them. I find that people in pain are especially sensitive and have HUGE HEARTS. I provide a service call Basset Hound Rescue. I can do it over the phone, matching up adoptive families with surrender families. Some do come to our house and stay. Lucky Charmer came here to died. He was too weak to even walk. The shelter would only let him go to rescue, not be adopted out. He was with us for 8 more years. He looked like Groucho Marx. I also had Lollipop. I took them both in the Basset Hound Waddle!!! Lucky was too weak to walk the parade, so we put him in a red wagon and had a sign in cloth about rescue. Lollipop had on a TIARA!!! My husband, (a realy man would only let his wife do this to him) and myself had long Basset ears and I made a tail!!!!! It was for the 4th of July parade in Novato. You can look up Basset Hound Waddle and give yourself a laugh!!!!! Hey, I also wanted to tell you that my hubby and I drove all the way from Montreal to the Gaspee penninsula years ago with friends from Chambly Quebec. We took 2 weeks and stopped along the way. By the end of it and a couple of days after going home I was saying Aaheee???? Yes I ride almost every day, 365 days of the year. When I ride, I don't think I have pain, or if I do, I don't pay any attention to it. Having horses is like having children that never grow up and they don't go to college. We never had kids, so this helps fill me up. I ride all year round. We don't have snow so the horses are out all year. If it gets muddy, we bring them in the stalls, but they always have a huge paddock to play. We do blanket them when it is cold, well, cold by our standards, 35 degrees F. I really enjoyed hearing about the kitties. I know you are doing very important work with the Dept. too. They are lucky to have you. Off to the barn!!! yeah!!!


----------

