# Adults only!Boyfriend question!



## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I have a very adult problem that i really need advice on because i'm really upset about it!My boyfriend and i have not had sex since last July.I thought he might be impotant because when i ask him about it,he just tells me he's given up sex,he's too old.He treats it like a joke.Well,recently,i caught him masterbating and i really took it personal!I have caught him twice in the past month,but he does not know that i know.I found the tissue full of....well you know!What should i do?We have been together for over seven years and i love him,but i just don't know how to deal with this.I want to feel loved and wanted


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## Elariel (Jan 1, 1999)

pm'ing you..


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Antonio-if you read this i could really use some input from a male point of view. Thankyou!!


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## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Sorry getting back so late..I am at work, and it has been non-stop!How old is your boyfriend first of all. That is a very important question. Then we will try to go from there.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

My boyfriend is 36


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I have to get going,but i will check back for responses later-Thanks to everyone who responded


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## Rowe2 (Sep 26, 2002)

Wendi-poo.. He is not too old for interest in sex. His testosterone level may be extremely low, and this sounds like what it might be to me. The hormone controls desire.Otherwise, men vary in different ways, whether it be sight, touch, and even scent. My husband loves for me to put on his favorite body lotion that I have. It stimulates him. Also, I am most certainly not implying this, but if there is anger or resentment between the two of you, then this is another problem. This is true for women, also. I would ask him if he would be willing to have his hormone level checked. It is a simple blood test. If it is okay then another approach should be taken. Feel free to PM me if you would like.


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## erin5983 (Mar 25, 2003)

Tough situation...but 36 is NOT too old for sex. It sounds like there might be some underlying problems there. Do you think he'd go see a counselor if you asked him to? It could be possible that maybe he's having issues with your relationship that he is afraid to bring up because he doesn't want to hurt you (not to insinuate that there are problems, but it's one possibility). Or it could just be something else that he is unwilling to open up to you about. The fact that you caught him masturbating suggests that he probably still does have a sex drive, and I would confront him about this. Ask him if his problem is with the act of sex itself or if it is something in your relationship that he might need to talk about. I think if you can get him to open up about the REAL reason, with no joking on his part, and maybe get a third party like a counselor in on it, it might help the situation. Good luck!


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## lisasummers (Mar 26, 2004)

Well well, 36 and not wanting it? I have never ever heard of a man that young saying that? How is the rest of ur relationship? Do you hang out alot, is it fun or boring? Does he go out alot without you? Do you have children? Do you live together, I think you do? There could be a few reasons - depression, lack of passion in the relationship, fooling around, low sex drive, stress and I am sure a few other things. How was he before this happened, very into it or a bit? Does he still cuddle you or kiss you?


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## peardrops (Jan 3, 2004)

wendi-poo....36 is definitely not too old. A lot of men are still active in their seventies. You really need to both sit down and talk about this. Is that possible? Unless you know the reason why he has given up on sex you won't be able to fix the problem, it will just go on and on.There could be a number of reasons for him not wanting to have sex but only he can tell you. I don't think it would help you for me to list a few as I could be completely wrong. Let us know how you get on. Good luck.


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

Wendi,With my ex-wife I would go through spells of 'handling things myself' but I think we all know why I did that...However, with my ex-partner it would happen from time to time that I wouldn't want to be with him, but would still 'handle things myself'. This was usually just because I was working hard and very tired and that was alot easier! However, in your case it has been quite some time, so I'm wondering if he has issues about pleasing you? Maybe he feels that he isn't or that you don't want to 'do it'? So many issues could come into play for this. I think the best thing you can do is 'talk'. Find out what's going on. No other way to do it!Feel free to PM me if you'd like....


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thankyou all!!!!!!I know i will have to talk to him.We do have a good relationship otherwise.We laugh a lot together and goof around.He rubs my back and snuggles with me when we are in bed.We do have separate social lives though.I don't get out much with my IBS and he likes to stay out late,like all night sometimes especially if he's drinking.He has female friends that he likes to keep separate from me.I think he's afraid of jealousy or petty female issues.He just feels it's safer to keep us separate because he had to give up all his female friends in his last relationship due to jealousy problems.He swore he would never loose friends over a woman again.I will let you know how things go after i talk to him.I'm not sure if it will be tonight though,it depends on his mood  Thanks again!-Wendi-


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## paulad (May 2, 2003)

Another thought may be erectile disfunction.I went through this with my husband when he was only 40. We just stopped having sex and I didn't understand why. I finally became so frustrated I asked him if he wanted a divorce since he obviously didn't find me attractive anymore. Well it turned out that he wasn't having trouble getting an erection but keeping it. Once he saw the Dr. and found out that Viagra would help everything was fine again. He said he was too embarrased to discuss with me or his Dr. so he just hoped it would go away on its own. He didn't realize what a strain it had placed on our marriage of 15 years until I finally couldn't take fealing rejected anymore. I hope things work out for you.Good Luck


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

very strange... 36 is definately not too old. We know it works because of what you found... I would ask him about it, since July is a very long time. Would you be willing to give up your sexlife? I'm sure you have plenty of good years ahead right? Something isn't right.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I talked to him last night and got absulutely no where!I'm so frusterated!I just told him what i knew he was doing and that he should be doing that with me.He just kept saying ok,ok,ok...When i mentioned counceling,he said what, are you crazy! I told him i was taking this personal and that i just wanted to feel close to him.When i said that there must be some underlying issues,he said that there wern't and that he just gets stressed and tired,then he fell asleep!I got absulutely no place and i just don't know where to go from here.He acts like i'm the one with the problem and he's perfectly happy the way things are


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

Wendi,How did you approach this with him? It sounds like you put him on the defensive. You need to approach it with 'I' messages Example:I feel that you don't find me attractiveI am confused about what's going onIs there anything I can do to help?I need you to talk to meFrom your post it looks like you used some of those statements, however "I know what you're doing" would put me in a defensive mood too.BTW, does he use the computer? You may find that he's been looking at or buying pornography. When some men get involved in pornography, they loose the ability to be intimate with someone. It's a psychological thing...I'm not sure if I buy it or not, but it is a theory and you may want to keep your eyes open (I don't mean snoop) for any signs that this is the case.You're in a tough situation, hon, and even tho I don't know you, I'm there for you and your husband 100%!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thanks Antonio  !!!!!!!I should have been clearer.My exact words were "i know that you masterbate and i take it personal because you should be doing that with me!We have separate social lives,no sex life and i just want to be closer to you.







My boyfriend and i are not married.That's another issue .He does not believe in marriage because he says it's a contract and that two people can be commited to each other without the law getting involved.Another thing that you pointed out is pretty true.He does look at internet porno pictures.He locks the door to the computer room and tells me he just does not want to be bothered so he can work on his music.I know he looks at porn.He has a lot of pictures bookmarked.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I guess at this point,i can only tell him how i feel and the rest is up to him on how he decides to handle it.I'm not sure what more i can do


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## bkitepilot (Dec 7, 2003)

wendi-poo, I probably shouldn't pop in here but would like to share my opinion with you. My husband enjoys his porno too and has quite a collection. He also shares it with me. So there is no secrets and no uneasy tention between us. I would be offended if he locked me out of room. (he's 44 and VERY interested in sex)In reading through the posts above, I have to wonder if your boyfriend is closer to his girlfriends then he will admit to you. (I'm not saying right out that he is cheating on you)I'm simply pulling my opinion from his actions of going out frequently sometimes all night and with his female friends that he keeps seperate from you. No sex, no interest in marriage, blowing you off jokingly, etc. Maybe you can have a casual conversation over dinner and find a way to ask him about this. I know it's hard to do without defenses alerted. But in order for you to advance in your relationship, you'll have to find answers. I have no doubt that you are a beautiful, loving and caring woman with a huge heart to share. Don't cut yourself short on happiness.I hope I haven't offended you in anyway with my opinion and I wish only the best for you.  Belinda


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

I am with Belinda on this one. Of course I have no idea about your life but from your post above so please dont feel offended, but it does sound like he is keeping his other g-friends separate for ulterior motives. again, i dont know him at all but this is just from a 3rd person objective sense. I for one would be suspicious if my girlfriend kept other guy friends from me for certain reasons that i didnt really agree with.The alternative is that he does need to address a low-libido issue. Guys definitely can have low lib's but still need to "help themselves out" from time to time. ie with low libido, sex usually is cut before self-service. To give you a better understanding of what i mean, i feel desire is not purely physical (libido) but also mental (as in fantasy). so he could still be addressing the fantasy side even though he has no need to address the physical.if it's not a low libido issue and there's no-one else involved then he has actual reservations or restrictive beliefs about actual sex (as opposed to using his imagination with porn).you should really get to the bottom of this with him, but (as with ALL guys) he needs to be approached in the right way. I am not sure what that it is for him but tone, timing and word-choice are essential. (sorry this all probably sounds like a bit of a mission but your livelihood sounds like it is at stake so go for it!).all the best!


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## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

I agree with the above posts. I don't appreciate that "okay, okay" brush off either...my husband does that when he feels like I am nagging or doesn't want to deal with an issue. This is definitely something he needs to talk to you about and I wouldn't settle for less. Stand your ground..because you don't want to think things will change, only to find yourself miserable for another few years. I can't help but say, and I don't know the situation so this is a guess, that I feel put together that he doesn't want to have sex, he has female friends that he keeps separate from you and stays out all night and doesn't want a long term committment like marriage... that something is odd. I don't necessarily think he is cheating either, but perhaps he has a very different idea of relationships than most of us do. And to lock you out of the room....I would think after 7 years he could share most things...as in not be so sneaky about it. If it were me, I would address the problem again and say that in order to make things work you really feel that it would benefit the two of you to go to counselling (if medical problem is not the case). If he is not willing and doesn't attempt to change his ways, I would probably leave the relationship. I know it is easier said than done, but in the long run it would be better....again this is if he does nothing to change it. This is all just my thoughts...but you know your boyfriend best and I am just going on the details given. I may be totally off base too.


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## overitnow (Nov 25, 2001)

There was a posting about erectile disfunction. Not something most of us want to talk about. It attacks our very image of ourselves, and may be one reason why your bf stays out late and hangs with other women. There is no reason to ever discuss the problem, then. I suffered with that from my early 40s, caused by smoking in my case. I can tell you that on-line porn and masterbation were one of the few ways I could get satisfaction at that time. It is also very addictive. I began a number of years ago using a flavonoid supplement for my cholesterol. The increase in blood circulation was enough to return my sexual function to normal. If he smokes, this may be a similar problem and may have a similar solution.Best of luck with this. It's a tough situation for both of you.Mark


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## norwood (Jan 28, 2004)

There are many red flags in what you've said. IMO...the following issues need to be addressed:1) There is nothing healthy about keeping his social life seperate from you...especially if it includes other women. You should be given the choice to participate or not. His excuse about his past relationship is lame! 2) Porn can be perfectly okay and can even be a healthy thing for a relationship, if it's agreed upon in your partnership. However, there is nothing healthy or okay about him locking himself in a room and LYING to you about what he's doing.3) Masterbation can also be healthy and okay...however, there is nothing okay about him masterbating yet not wanting to have sex with you for the last nine months and telling you that it's simply because he's been tired. IMO, that's an insult to your intelligence.4) This is a very important point...when we are in dysfunctional relationships, we tend to exaggerate the positive's (because they are few and far between) and negate the negatives. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in this category.You DESERVE to be treated with respect, dignity and love. Please don't back down from this and accept anymore lame excuses. He needs to be given an ultimatum...either he commits to you and does all that he must to get through this by being completely honest with you and himself... or you need to do all that you can to gain the strength and self confidence to leave. Professional help may be necessary for you, but don't hesitate. There is NOTHING "crazy" for realizing that counselling is necessary. In fact, his reaction to that was yet another red flag. I've found that the people who react to counselling in the manner in which he did...are usually the ones that need it the most. He's presenting an image that screams "oh no...what if they find out the truth?!?!" So Wendi, although this is a tough situation...you need to feel worthy of happiness and joy. I think you know that if he continues down this road and you stay with him, that can't happen.Good luck...and keep us posted.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thankyou all for your input.I respect everyones opinion and i have thought about all the issues that everyone pointed out.I don't want to give anyone the wrong idea...he does not go out a lot,maybe once every two weeks and his female friends i talk to on the phone,but i have my insecurities about his fadelity.I have always been proven wrong when i investigate this and i continue to try to keep my eyes open.I just feel that unless i have clear cut evidence,i can't take action.Part of him staying out all night is that i told him if he drinks to much,don't drive home.He says that he falls asleep on the couch and of coarse i question that,but i also know that we have been at friends houses before where he fell asleep on the couch "out cold".I hate to make excuses for him,but i just need clear cut proof if there is any deception going on and so far he always checked out.I struggle with these issues and know when the time is right i will find out what needs to be done.This issue is not at rest yet


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Mark-he does not smoke,but he works out a lot and takes protein drinks.I'm not sure if that would effect things or not.


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## bkitepilot (Dec 7, 2003)

Good luck wendi-poo. I hope it all turns out okay for you!







 Belinda


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thanks!!!!!!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I'm sooo upset!!!!I can't talk for long cause he'll be home soon,but one of his female friends just left a message calling him pookie!She wished him a good day off even though i did not know he took the day off.I'm sure he will be home soon,so i don't want to stay online long.Maybe i'm overreacting,but pookie????!!!!!!!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Do i tell him i'm pissed,or will that just aggrivate the situation?


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## John (Aug 6, 1999)

If he's been messing around behind your back, ask him if he remembers what had happened to John Bobbit.







Perhaps this will refresh his memory.







_John Wayne Bobbitt, whose 1993 maiming at the hands of his then-wife Lorena, made him famous._ The Ballad of John Bobbit http://pages.ivillage.com/tigress.luv/ballad.html John Bobbit's Prayer http://www.angelfire.com/ks/tru2dablu/johnbobbit.html


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## denise.bradley (Jun 7, 2000)

Wendi;Protien drinks a no no not good thing. spending time with the girls and not inviting you. If itwas like once every six months then I wouldn't question it but couple times every two weeks yes. and has he heard of a taxi to get him home. And drinking lowers the libio.If he's looking at the nawties without you ask him to share with you. Get out a racy story that gets both of you going and book mark it. If he like to play with himself then ask if you can do it for him maybe that might get things going.Surprize him with a candle light supper in the bedroom. Do the unexpected. Soons like you gotton yourselfs in a rut.I havn't had the stuff in almost a year either but thats due to health reasons. So Bob and I planned a night away. Got rid of the kids and planned a night at the hotel. Granted it went to moot I ended up with the flu. But we still did half of the plans. We went to supper and for the first time in our 16 years of marriage we visited a sex shop and bought some tasty oils














and then some moives and even some racey play dice. Went home had a nice bath. Granted by the time we got home watched a movie we fell a sleep but we had fun. We relaxed and we talked. We planned for when the oils come out the next time. The idea is to shake things up and the element of surprize and freshen up your life add sparkle and bring a smile. If he's not willing then truely you need to see whats really wrong. And hey if my shy unwilling Bob is able to do things like this then anyone can and it was his idea most of the stuff.Good luck and have fun. And hey the Chocolate Mint massage oil is grrrrrrrrrrr great and really tasty. God can't believe I just said that. Think time I go home to my darly sweetie.Denise


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## selenae25 (Apr 4, 2004)

It will be hard but you may be better off without him. He's hiding things from you, has other women calling him and he wont have sex with you. You would never be able to trust him and you can not be happy this way.


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## bkitepilot (Dec 7, 2003)

wendi... this is not a good sign. Red flags are waving everywhere. I think maybe you should see if more of this happens over the next few days or week and then approach him with your evidence. Take notes. Ask him tonight how his day at work went... hmmmm that's a start and just play the innocent until you have ammf course my reply is a few hours later then your post, so update us as to how it goes. There are lots of wise outsiders here with you who can offer a variety of advice to you. Sending you a cyber hug.


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## pasttime (Jul 26, 2001)

Just curious, after reading this post I wondered what if he just doesnt want to do it. I mean what if he just feels better doing it himself. I know my husband is not having an affair, I know my husband is not on computer/books for porn. I have never caught my husband satisfying himself, when and if sex happens he sure doesnt seem to have a problem keeping up, just that sex doesnt happen often. I never realized that hormones in a male could cause low libido, but I know for a fact hubby wouldnt go to counselling. There can be many reasons I guess for this happening, but I certainly wouldnt jump to the conclusion that my husband is cheating or that he doesnt love me. After being married for over 20 yrs I just figured he got tired. LOL


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## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

Pookie? Not a good sign.I say ask him how work was. Also, call there but don't leave a message but confirm that he isnt there. Then if he lied about it, I would tell him to pack his #### and get out!


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## denise.bradley (Jun 7, 2000)

My sentiments too past sex dosn't happen alot in my in my house either. If my hubby was supious of me then I would be in a constant fight. I am a constant flirt as the darling calls me and some of you know me from chat. The way I get on in there sometimes is the way I act in real life too. I did it at the community centre today with one of the staff talking about his gourgous butt and the curves. In front of him and all the staff. So is it possible that this person may be just a flirt too. I still flirt with my former boyfriends Bob just shakes his head and says forever a flirt. Hey I even point out women to Bob to size up. Maybe you should ask if you go out with as a couple with these friends and meet them. Don't destroy something on suspion.Denise


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## peardrops (Jan 3, 2004)

Denise!! Hope you see this as I think your computer was on the blink when I posted about a dream I had about you.....the folks from The Meeting Place sent me to find you as you were missing. I found you in Ireland in a little hut. I knew it was you because on the table there was a lot of post with your name on. You were sitting in a rocking chair knitting!!! You had dark hair cut in a bob and wore glasses. Nothing in my dream about you being a flirt though - you were too busy knitting!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

He came home shortly after i posted the pookie comment.Turns out he took the day off of work to see the doctor about not sleeping well.The doctor asked him a lot of questions and suggested that he go to therapy.He said that he was under a lot of stress and referred him to a psychologist.When i asked him about the pookie thing,he said that all of his friends have different names for each other and that Natalie called him pookie because she knows it gets to him.He said that she yells pookie to him infront of everyone at work as a joke.Yet again,i was proven wrong i guess.These kinds of things happen all the time.I get suspicious and then i end up looking bad for suspecting things.Again,i can't accuse him without clear cut evidence,and i don't have anything.Maybe he is being honest


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

if he is highly stressed than this may decrease his libido but shouldnt account for cutting out sex altogether...Have you confronted him and said "it would be great if we could have sex every now and then" or something like that and let him know you think he's attractive? He would then have to respond in some way to you.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I ask him all the time and constantly tell him he's attractive


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

your coffee mug avatar always makes me feel sorry for you!







i still get the feeling he's not being straight up enough. whether its just about admitting what the problem really is, or whether there is (or isnt someone else on the scene). Somehow you have to find a way to crack this one and i guess it will involve him finally opening up to you and himself about what's going on (or not going on!).


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thanks!I will definately keep you posted on any new events.You have all been so sweet and i really appreciate you being there for me in a tough situation.Agreat big THANKYOU!!!and giant HUGS!!!!!


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## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

I know very well what it is like to be suspicious of someone. It's an awful feeling. I found that if I knew things and didn't say anything... I busted him ...yet when I confronted him he always had an excuse. My best advice I can think of is when you are suspicious..not to confront him. If he is lying about things...the lies will build up and you'll have him...if he isn't then you won't look paranoid...which is how I was beginning to feel. It's not easy to not mention anything when you are stewing and just want answers....but I finally got to the point where I could have won an Academy Award for the facade of being really sweet...when I really wanted to bite his head off! Best of Luck. Whether or not he deserves the suspicion or not, you'll eventually find out either way...all I know is how much it stinks to feel that way. I did it for two years.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I H8 ibs-Was he cheating on you?My boyfriend finally fessed up and told me that he does not feel attractive and that is why he's never in the mood for sex.No matter how much i tell him he's attractive,he has to feel it himself.He also told me that he has a drink before work .I did not know that he drinks that often.I'm not to happy about it,but at least i know now.I asked him to cut back on the alchohal and he said that he really does not drink that much.My ex husband and i got divorced and alchohal played a big roll,so it is definately not something that i take lightly.I never see him drink at home,he only drinks before work after he works out.Not a very healthy thing to do.Maybe it's time for a job change


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

This is a big long shot - but there's no chance he's in denial about his sexuality? Just watched a really good documentary last night about husbands who came out later in life and ALL of the wives said they weren't having sex at all and wondered what was wrong.Probably not your case but interesting given you still get on well as friends.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I'm very sure that he's NOT gay.He looks at female porn and definately loves woman.I would really be surprised if he was gay


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

oh yeah sorry lol! forgot about him looking at female porn!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)




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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I just had another thought of what might be turning him off to sex..............I am nearly impossible to please during sex,meaning i can not climax without some sort of a sex toy during sex.I have always been this way and never climaxed with a man alone.He should not take this personal,but i think he still does.He probably thinks it's pointless to even try to please me


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

wendi,Just fake it, then....LOL!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Good one Antonio!!!







It's worth a try


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

hmmm.. from a guy's perspective it could be that but maybe not.Another thought is that he finds the porn more interesting than real sex. Dont take this personally as this happens to a lot of guys (apparently it happens to a lot who leave their wives to fight in the army). ie he still really wants to be with you and loves you but for him, sexual excitement has gone in a different direction.if you're adventurous, you could ask him what excites him and tell him you're keen to join him - so long as its within your comfort level. most guys would love it if their partner was into porn with them.what do you think?


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I have tried several times to see if we could watch porn together.He always refused.I even suggested it before i knew he watched it.I'm not so innocent and definately have a kinky freeky side.I like a little spice in my life too.I think it's just lazyness with him.It's easier for him to get off himself then to have someone else involved.He can masterbate and then get on with things.Sex takes longer and probably more energy.I'm sure that's the case with him


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

hmmm... I think in that case you need to slap him with a dead fish!(wish my girlfriend thought like you!







)


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## bkitepilot (Dec 7, 2003)

Oh wendy..... I agree with scotty, slap him with a dead fish!My husband loves my toys during 'play'. What a great adventure that can be.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I'm sooo frusterated!!!!!!Now he's denying that he watches porn and when i told him that i don't like to be lied to and that in know he does and i wish he would watch it with me,he just said no!I said well if you love me why don't you share these things with me and his response was i don't love anyone and that he doesn't look at porn that much!.What the hell am i supposed to do?I sacrificed my family for him,left my marriage and put a huge divider between my parents and me.They don't eccept him because he's black and i'm white.After 7 years he's still not allowed in their house!I'm sorry to vent,but i'm sooo upset.I defend our relationship to the death and i don't even get all i want out of it.I know he did not mean it when he said that he doesn't love anyone,but it still hurts.He's got major issues when it comes to giving his heart and soul to someone.Then when i questioned his love again,he said if you don't know me by now then you never will and that he's told me he loves me.That was a while ago.......He thinks he can just say it once and then never again.I really don't know what to do.Why did i have to fall inlove with him


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

I feel sorry for you after hearing how he is.You sound really cool and what most guys are looking for (heavens know its hard to find a committed women with a high libido!). So at the end of the day you will have to decide if he really is right for you and worth the love you are putting in.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thankyou Scottywotty-I was hoping that you would read this.You have been very sweet and i appreciate you being there for me!


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

Wendi,No one is worth you giving up your happiness. Please look inside yourself and make sure if you are with him and putting up with this, it is worth it to you. I stayed in relationship and had children with a woman because I didn't want to hurt her, disappoint my family, or prove some of my friends right! Don't make those mistakes, don't sacrifice your happiness. It's time for some deep thought and introspection. You need to be content and at peace in life, and you need to find what can make that happen.Good Luck on this difficult journey. Sending you love and hugs,Antonio


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thankyou Antonio!!!That was really sweet!I know i have a lot of soul searching to do.I really do love him and that is what makes things so difficult.I can't imagine being without him,yet i really want things to change .I just don't think that i'm asking for a lot from him and i don't understand why he's being sooo insensitive to my needs


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

I hate to say this but if it acts like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck.....Does it bother you that he spends all this time with other women who call him pookie? I would tell him exactly what bothers you, seeing other women, denying he looks at porn, sleeping elsewhere. If he knows that all of this bothers you and he wishes to continue doing this even thow he knows it bothers you then you need to rethink this relationship. If he doesn't give up his other women for you then there's a problem. When we love someone we don't want to hurt them, if he continues even then ... At least if there was some sex in there for you, some affection at least, but he continues to completely shut you out of his life! but you continue to take all of that, putting your life on hold for him, and he continues acting like you were only his roomate. I would feel used in your place.He has something to gain in this, if you weren't there what would he stand to lose? How is he doing money wise, is it better to keep you around for financial reasons? Right now he is living a single life, you just happen to live in the same house, like a sister.This is not fair to you, you deserve better.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

It's not as bad as you make things sound jo-jo,but yes,i know that i deserve better.I honestly don't think he's cheating on me,and financially,he is not getting much out of it.I cook and clean and iron his clothes.At the most,he's got a maid out of me.If it was all that bad,it would be easy to leave,but we have a lot of fun together.He's always making me laugh,tickling me,and doing silly things when he sees that i'm down.That is what keeps me with him.I feel trapped and really not sure what to do.


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

I am not trying to make it sound bad. It's what i'm seeing in what you wrote. I don't live in your shoes so I can't know what is going on. I don't know the guy, it must be hard for you to put down into words how you feel without making him look bad. I just hope everything turns out great for you two and you get all the answers you're looking for. Sending you good vibes


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thanks jo-jo  Today i told him that i was not happy and that i wanted to be treated more like a girlfriend should be treated.He got real quiet and said he would do the best he could.He's been quiet and to himself all day.I'm not sure if it's what i said or not.I just hope i got through to him.I guess time will tell


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I'm starting to see more and more that my boyfriend is really stuck in a rut.He hates his job and really needs a change in life.I'm just wondering if that change includes me


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I went to the store tonight and was gone for a few hours and when i got back,i found more tissue in the garbage can







I told myself not to smell it,but i just had to be sure and sure enough,it was what i though it was







Why is he doing this!!!!I got turned down again for sex tonight and Now I KNOW WHY!!!!!


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## Guest (May 4, 2004)

i'm curious basically why he doesn't associate you with getting turned on. that seems odd. on the other hand, sometimes men (and women) get bored with being with the same partner and turn to fantasy. i'm betting he has a VERY active fantasy life while watching porn and while masturbating. the other possibility is depression or low libido, and masturbation is easy enough and porn exciting enough to get him going - whereas sex with a partner takes more energy, is more complicated and less va va voom than raunchy porn which could jumpstart a low libido. but these are only guesses - only he knows whats going on, and there's a possibility even he doesn't know himself - desire is pretty complicated deep-seated stuff. seems like the focus should be on him figuring out what is going on and then sharing this knowledge with you. i would try and be as non-judgmental as possible in the meantime but while keeping a steady stance of not accepting that this current state, call it the LOW MOJO SHOW is not normal or satisfying or optimal for you. for instance, not harrassing him about the masturbation - masturbation is fine and a person should be able to do it, even in privacy - but also acknowledging that you and he should be going at it too and if his libido is really that low he should be reserving atleast some of his action for you. even if his libido IS low (he should break out the toys and please you, b/c he's your boyfriend and should think about your needs). 36 is really young to lose it - that borders on a medical problem, if thats the case. seems like his attitude, at best, is pretty selfish. by the way, all women love toys and we weren't really built to just get off with a dick and thats it. if he wants to help you out without toys he should become adept at using his hands and other things. REAL lesbian porn is a good place for him to start b/c it teaches the real stuff they never tell you about women's bodies. i found after reading it that most of us like the same stuff but its none of the stuff our boyfriends do. its like you read it and go, hey, I wish my boyfriend would do that, so simple! he might like it and maybe thats something sexy you guys could explore together. well, hope you two work things out.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Thankyou Joanofark-I am leaving him a note listing things that must change!1-I need to feel wanted and held without having to ask-2-I need to be/feel pampered once in a while-3-I need to be made love to instead of being turned down everytime i ask/i should not always have to ask/I need to know that you love me and still are attracted to me-I continued the note with "If certain things don't change and i continue to feel unwanted,you will loose me







..Any thoughts on this before i give him this note


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

I wouldn't go for the note. Face to face is much better because you'll be able to see his reaction. You know he knows all of it anyway, right? This won't be the first of him hearing this. This is a tough situation. In my opinion you telling him the same thing over and over again won't change things much. He's got his mind made up about this already, he would have changed before if it wasn't.It's time for YOU to start thinking about YOU. This is your life and only you can make it better.I don't know about you but begging for sex is not very sexy to me. It's supposed to be a natural thing to want to do. I wouldn't be with my husband if i had to leave notes to him to TELL him he has to have sex with me or else i'm leaving. So what if he does do it? You'll know it's not because he really want to, won't that be a turn off? I would be for me.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Good point jo-jo.....i will scrap the note-


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## Guest (May 5, 2004)

bewitched - i agree with jo-jo. he needs to deal with this of his own free will. i think you need to deal with it by not accepting it - but that doesn't mean pushing him. pushing sex never works b/c its all about desire. otherwise its like him doing you a favor. seems like the way to not accept it is by stating that it affects you and that you aren't happy with it. i would not allow him to have appeasement sex with me. i'd be more concerned with getting to the bottom of the issue - does he want you or not? is it a libido problem or not? is it another woman? is he bored? these are all things he'll have to come out with and probably will tell you after you distance yourself from him. if i were you i'd simply focus on the lying he's done and lack of communication. i think its easy for men to stay in relationships if they are getting anything at all out of it. perhaps he likes being with you but no longer feels the attraction and has turned to porn etc. who knows. but he needs to stop being so selfish and think about how he's affecting you and start delving into why this is happening. by the way, my sister was in a VERY similar situation with a man - 40 - who said he had very low libido. they didnt' have sex for months on end. finally she got rid of him and is now in a good relationship and gettin lots of good nookie! you don't have to put up with this!


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Mmmmmmmmm You must both be right because what i have tried so far has not worked.I really need to get to the bototm of this soon before i go crazy.Something definately has got to give-


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## Sherlock (May 14, 1999)

I may be out in left field here, but could it be that he was given the impression that sex is "dirty" somewhere along the way growing up? It is a common hang-up, although seems to be lessening in society today. It seems he is ashamed that he likes porn/masturbation. Otherwise, why would any guy who liked it and had a willing partner shut her out! Nancy Friday did a book called "Women on Top" that explores the concept of shame in sex as it relates to women, passed on by their mothers and the older generation. It's quite possible he got the same message growing up, and feels more comfortable on his own as a result.It sounds like he is depressed. Stressful job, withdrawing from a relationship, drinking...add that to the pressure to perform and you've got a depression cocktail. Have you told him what you like him to do? Maybe he doesn't know and is too shy to ask? A lot of women expect their partners to be mind readers, then complain when they aren't satisfied. Not saying it's the case with you, of course.I can't say much about the female friends, because my closest friends are male, and my husband isn't invited when we're together. However, he knows I'm spending time with them. Hope you can work this out. Just don't issue ultimatums if you aren't prepared for the fall out.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Sherlock-Most of my friends were male before i had to quit work due to IBS and kenne's friends have always been both male and female for as long as i have known him,even before we started dating.You hit the nail on the head about issuing ultimatums.That is exactly why i have not taken such a firm stand on things.I have a long history of self mutilation when i get into emotional situations that i can't handle,Especially when it comes to issues of the heart.That is why i am being so careful to not push to hard if i'm not ready to deal with the fallout.Thankyou so much for taking the time to post.I really do appreciate everyone who has responded.You guys have been the only one's i can turn to lately and i am soooo grateful for you all  I will keep you posted on any changes







-Wendi-


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

Wendi - you sound like you have a serious catch-22 on your hands. It seems like you really need to master and overcome the self-mutilation issue as that should not be the reason you dont make a move out of a relationship which is keeping you from being happy.Whether you take an integrated approach of seeing a really good psychologist that you click with, and following a dedicated course of meditation to help achieve some mind-mastery to control such thought, you need to beat that aspect of it. You might even want to consider removing the reference to it from your signature - solely based on the fact that everytime you post, you are reminding yourself of that fact and helping to reinforce that that's how you used to respond when you were in emotional situations you couldnt handle.have you tried meditation and/or found a really good psychologist/therapist in the past?we are here if you need to vent more.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Hey Scottywotty-I missed you!!!I have not self mutilated in over a year now and i am on Zoloft.I think that self mutilation is like an alcoholic,once you do it,you can always get tempted to do it again.I only put it on my signature in case someone else wanted to come forward to talk about it.I just won my disability case and plan to go back to therapy once i get better insurance.I'm not saying that i want to leave,but won't because i'm afarid i might hurt myself.I am just saying that i really need to make sure that leaving is the right decision for me before i do it and i have to absolutely be ready for the fall out because i am very vulnerable right now.I had a very strange experience last night where a complete stranger started talking to me in a pet store.We talked for 4 hours!!!He started to talk about pets,and then relationships came up,and before i knew it he was telling me how beautiful i am and that he would leave his girlfriend for me in a second!In my vulnerable state,i just ate up the attention like a starving animal.He told me things that i have not heard in years.That really triggered things to another level because i really started to wonder what i was missing.....We did not exchange phone numbers or anything,but i was certainly tempted to get some more of what i was missing!My smarter self said walk away and get your life together.It's so easy to let someone else "save" you,but i have learned that once that person has you,they might change and the grass is no longer greener.That is what happened in my marriage and i don't want to make the same mistake twice.If i were more attracted to him,i might have had a much harder time saying no


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Scottywotty,i decided to remove the former self mutilator from my signature


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

OOPS!!!SORRY i spelled your name wrong!!!!It's Scottyswotty


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## Guest (May 5, 2004)

i think scottyswotty and bewitched should exchange phone numbers! just a very very devious little thought!


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

Hi, me again, I agree, some psychological help would be helpful when you'll be able to get to it. If you don't think leaving at this point would be the right time then don't do it now, you know yourself better than anyone here, we're just spectators here. I thought to prepare yourself to leaving him (if that's what you want to do eventualy), maybe start living like you weren't living with him. Start doing things by yourself which will probably be easy since he does lots on his own. Going out with friends, staying out late and kind of ignoring that he's there (not as a revenge because I don't think holding grudges is very good for our mental health) but just because doing things that are fun are just fun. Maybe stop looking for evidence that he's taking things into his own hands because you know he's doing it anyway. Maybe with ignoring him and getting used to making yourself happy eventualy you'll get stronger and you'll realize that you're just fine and you can take on the world without him. Do you think you'll be financialy ok without him later on? If not maybe preparing by taking some on-line courses could help? Some volontary work is also good on a resume.We're here for you anytime Bewitched.


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

You can always come hang out on the beach with me, Bewitched....if you don't mind sleeping on a futon! Hope things are well for you.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Angel-V-LOL!!!-Thanks jo-jo,you are so sweet


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

By the way Joanofark-how far is New Zealand from Arlington heights illinois?


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## norwood (Jan 28, 2004)

May I suggest that you make a list...with two columns, one that says "Reasons To Stay" and one the says "Reasons Not To" and be HONEST! Making it tangible is often very helpful in making a difficult decision. Remember, the right choice, is not always the most easy one.My other suggestion is that you print out this thread and read every one of your posts...I think you will find the answer to many of your questions.Good luck and know that you aren't alone...we are all here to help you.


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## Jenkins (Feb 15, 2002)

No wishy washy advice here. FACT is he is either physically having problems (which seems unlikely due to the masturbation), or he isn't attracted to you any longer, or he is getting some nookie elsewhere. Ask him point blank (no ego stroking as you have a right to be angry in this situation) why he doesn't want to have sex with you?? Ask him why he is masturbating instead of having sex with you?? Ask him any thing you want and do not be afraid to ask even if you think it will **** him off. All of your posts put together make up some mighty fine excuses for him. My question to you is WHAT is your excuse for putting up with it for so long??And another thing - when people say they don't believe in marriage it basically means I don't want to marry you. Sure they might be one of the very "few" who really don't belive in it, but chances are it means YOU I dont want to marry you. Also if you do want to get married then you should walk right on out of this one as two people who believe differently in this area are bound to end up NOT together.I feel badly for you and your situation, but now it is time to pull your head out from where it has been hiding and face this head on. And also all this stuff about needing evidence as to whether he is cheating.. One thing I learned long ago is follow what your gut tells you, it is very rarely wrong. Short of hiring a PI to follow him around you will never get the evidence. And about the co-worker calling him Pookie. Nice that he explained it to you, but do you really think he would have said yeah that's my mistress and that's what she calls me?? I think you are being hoodwinked. You deserve answers period. If he doesn't provide them you should serioulsy consider leaving him.Jenkins


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I honestly don't think he's cheating.I know things look bad,and if it were anyone else,i would say yes,he must be cheating.Honestly i think that if he were cheating,he would be spending a lot of time with one certain person and he's not.He sees different female friends,along with male friends about every other week.I am going to make a list of pros and cons and maybe he should do the same for me.Then maybe we can figure out if our relationship is worth staying in,or not-Thanks Jenkins!!!I do need to get my head out of the sand and figure things out.Life is too short-


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## Jenkins (Feb 15, 2002)

Gotta say one more thing--If you don't go out with him how do you know who he is spending time with?? Does he tell you?? Just be careful, until I had known where he has been I wouldn't want to have sex with him. And his actions give you every reason to suspect him of cheating.Jenkins


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

He tells me where he's going and i have called him a few times while he was out at friends houses or on the cell phone.His friends often call here to confirm plans.That is why i did not suspect him lying about what he was doing and where he was.He always tells me in detail.I'm just not happy with him staying out all night


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## Jenkins (Feb 15, 2002)

Umm yeah he's a grown up he should come home. No excuses, none whatsoever. He needs to tell his friends if I fall asleep wake me up so I can take a cab home (If he is intoxicated). And never forget it is easy to tell someone what one is doing, and lie while doing it. Very easy indeed. You call him he answers, he may even put a friend on the phone with you, doesn't mean there isn't a girlie sitting around that he is there with as well. Not trying to freak you out or anything, but his behavior is weird at best and I really just want to be sure you see things clearly. I think in your gut you DO think something is going on, otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned trying to prove it and needing evidence etc. I get that you are in love with this man, and it is hard to deal with bumpy rides on the relationship road, but as of now the two of you are stalled and he done walked off to get help and fell asleep alongside the road. Jenkins


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## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

Eeeek Wendi, this is quite a bind. I'm sorry I was away from this topic and just hopped in here and saw your question to me. I never found my confirmation, but as Jenkin's said you don't really need it necessarily. He lied a few times, I did actually give him an ultimatum (it was about his ex girlfriend who he was talking too more and more frequently. He and I were engaged and when that happened I told him that when we got married, I wanted the phone at her place out of his name...because she had already ruined his credit and I wasn't going to have mine dragged through the mud and have to pay for her phone bills. When he and her talked about that...they came to the agreement that he never should have "F-ing opened his mouth about that to me" and then when I asked him to get it out of his name, he said he would and didn't. They talked a lot on the phone and there were times he was going to come up to see me at school only to "fall asleep" when I called to find out if he was coming he wasn't there. Then when he asked me the next day if I tried to call and I lied and said no, he said he fell asleep with the phone by his head. He always gauged what I was going to say before using his strategy. I got to the point where I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him because he lied all the time. In the mean time I met someone that kept as a friend...and never cheated because I wouldn't want that done to me. I realized that my feelings for this guy were much more than a friend, but I was open with him about what was going on. When my fiancï¿½ lied to me again over the phone and treated me like utter garbage with no respect for MY feelings and worried more about his ex girlfriend I called him up and said 'I don't want to do this anymore" and I told him I wanted out of the relationship. Funny how suddenly he wanted to do whatever he could to please me. But you know what? It was too late. He wasn't willing while we were together..he only did it to get me back. He called crying etc. all of that stuff....but I decided to pursue a relationship with the other guy who was my friend. Ultimately we found out we were very different people, but it was him I have to thank for saving me in that relationship. He was just the push I needed to know that there is so much else out there. I didn't have to settle that there are wonderful men out there...and they aren't always the ones we chose initially. Chances are the grass will be a little greener...ask yourself what you are gaining from that relationship. I say get out more often also. I am not saying cheat... I am saying get out and see the other fish out there. It might give you the push you need to get out of the relationship you are in now. If you love someone you would do what you can to make them happy. He knows you are incredibly unhappy and he needs to do something. Obviously the only thing he is doing is selfishly worrying about himself and his gratification. And you said you haven't had sex since July....something is not right with this. If he isn't cheating...fine...but why isn't he working harder to please you. There are plenty of ways to have sex without having sex as Joan of Arc said. To me this isn't love. He is being selfish and it sounds like the only one he is truly capable of loving is himself. Besides, he is playing with himself, which shows me he doesn't care about your needs. That is NOT what love is about.


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## KLG (Jul 8, 2002)

Double Post


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

Haha sadly NZ is a long way from Illinois...I hope the right decision about what to do with your boyfriend works out for you WendiAngel: are we all invited to your beach? where is it?


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I H8 IBS-You definatly gave me some things to think about.I told him last night that he will loose me if things don't change and that what i was asking for really was not much.I cried a lot and i think he's very stressed about us now too.It seems like he's got a lot of things on his mind about needing a job change and having trouble financialy.He does not always tell me if we are in financial trouble,and i think things are a bit tight.I think he also resents me a bit because i won my disability case and he's so miserable at his job.He figures that i will be fine,but what will he do now?There are a lot of things involved.I have not recieved a check yet for disability,so financially we will still be no better off until i finally get money.At least then i can pay more rent.I don't think that he doubts the severity of my health problems because he sees me get sick every day,but i think that he worries that i don't need him as much once i'm more financially independent.Ever since i won my case,all of our problems began to surface.It's like they have been on hold because my disability case took up all of my mental energy-


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## AntonioRI (Sep 30, 2002)

You are all invited to my beach, but Wendi gets the 'big chair'...LOL! It's in South Florida, USA.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

LOL..Thanks Sweetie!!!!


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

I totaly agree with Jenkins. How long have you two been together, are you married? What does he have that makes you want to stay with him? I don't get why you would want to stay with him after all that.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

We are not married,but have been living together for 7 years.I have not been perfect,he has stayed with me through crushes on other guys,one of which i almost left him for years ago.He stayed with me through pill addiction,suicide attempts,he really has put up with a lot too.I stay because i love being with him.He knows when i am the slightest bit down and immediately knows what to do to make me laugh.He is very understanding when it comes to my health problems.That is a big plus for me.My ex-husband used to get angry whenever i got sick and he would take his anger out on me as if i could help being sick.Back then i had terrible sinus infections and was always sick with a fever.Not a good situation for newlyweds.Kenne has really been there for me in those aspects,and i love him.That is why i stay-


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

I may be the perfect little "wife"now,but it took us a long time to get here.We do have fun together tonce we made a bet on what artist sang a certain song and the looser had to run out of the apartment,down the sidewalk in their underwear.I lost that one!!!Very interesting,me running out in my bra and panties on a Sunday morning when everyone is home







He calls me from work and tells me to be in nothing but an aprin when he gets home and i serve him dinner like that







We do have a lot of fun together when he's not masterbating in the music room.


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## Jenkins (Feb 15, 2002)

Why on earth would he want you in nothing but an apron, when he wont have sex with you? You two sound like great friends, you know since friends don't usually have sex. There time when a romantic relationship takes a turn and you find you are acting more like friends than lovers. Is this where you are at?? Past actions are nice to look back on but all the good things in the past will never outweigh the things you should have in the future. It's up to you, get his motor running, be his best bud, or leave him.Jenkins


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## scottyswotty (Jun 29, 2000)

Hi BBBHow are things going with your boyf?


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## mirandafox (Apr 25, 2004)

I know I'm jumping in rather late, but I'm wondering about his drinking? Just how frequent is it - especially if he is drinking to the point of passing out? Alcohol can interfere with libido, and create a barrier in a relationship. He may realize he has a problem, but doesn't want to admit it, or he could be in denial. Can you check in the computer room for 'empties'? Drinking before work is *really* bad...If he says the job is too stressful then he really needs to look elsewhere - no job is worth your health.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Things are going ok with him........We have really been talking a lot.He's looking for a new job now and he really opened up to me about how stressful our financial situation is.We are both trying to make things work.We have one year left on our apartment lease and i figured i would at least try to wait it out and give us another chance.He does not drink at home at all.I never find bottles in the trash,he drinks vodka with OJ at work.That is why he's looking for a new job.He really hates where he's at.It's true Miranda,no job is worth your health.He keeps the vodka in his gym bag and drinks after he works out.That is why i never find the bottles around the house.


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## mirandafox (Apr 25, 2004)

Oh, I hope his job doesn't involve doing anything dangerous, if he's been drinking at work. Plus, he really doesn't want to risk getting fired if he is discovered - that will make it more difficult to get a new job.I hope he finds something soon.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Update-Tonight he said he was goning to the gym and that was 4 hours ago!I wish i could just have him followed so i would know for sure.I really want to trust him,but i wish he would let me know if he's going out rather then have me come home and wonder where he is.I wish i could have a psychic tell me if he is honest or if i am being betrayed.....ohhh,what to do?


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## Elariel (Jan 1, 1999)

instead of a psychic, why not hire a private investigator?? at least you'll *know* what's going on. i personally couldnt stay in something like that.. it just doesnt seem like he's being very honest with you if he cant share where he's going or what he's doing. i worry way too much i'd always assume he was in a ditch somewhere or soemthing







he's not taking your feelings into consideration.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Shortly after i wrote this,he came home.He said his friends called him while he was at the gym and they went to a movie.I believe him,because he has a note that said "show-$"I just wish that he would have told me so i wouldn't be guessing.He probably thought that he did not have to because i was out to.At least he knew where i was.I guess we will be having more talks


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## mirandafox (Apr 25, 2004)

At the very least, he is being extremely inconsiderate to you! Why couldn't he call you after his friends called him? Even if it was just to leave you a message...what if you had brought home dinner, thinking he was going to be home at a certain time? What if you had wanted to see the movie, too?What if it had been YOU that had gone to a movie without letting him know? His reaction to that would probably answer a lot of questions for you....


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Good point Miranda!Maybe it's time he got a taste of his own poison!


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## selenae25 (Apr 4, 2004)

I've been reading this thread since you posted it and I was just wondering how things are going. I hope things are improving for you.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Still no sex!!!!!He has been staying home alot more and considering taking me along on his next outing.He's sooo afraid that i will have tummy troubles and have to come home!At least he's trying harder now.When he has gone out without me,he comes home pretty early.It's an improvement at the very least.


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## pinupgirl1948 (Aug 6, 2003)

Selenajean-sorry for the late response!I just read your post


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## melbel04 (Jun 12, 2004)

I know that I am coming in late, but I just finished reading your posts. I first want to say how nice it is here that we all can support each other. I have been a member of this board since 17, I am now almost 21. Ok BBB, I am going to give you my honest opinion as a friend from the board. It seems that at some of your posts you are almost justifying his actions by staying things like well he knew i wasnt going to go. You seem to be putting alot of effort into this relationship and I think that he needs to too. I agree with a post that talks about lovers becoming friends, I think this might be a situation like that. I dont know all the girls, the going out at night, all that stuff just worries me. I think that you can do better and I think that you should take a break. I know it is extremly hard my aunt dated a guy for almost 20! years and i know its not at all easy seperating, especially when you live together.Here is a little test you might want to do: Try one night to go out with your girls, spend the night at their house and see how he feels when you come home the next morning. If he doesn't call you, doesn't really seem to care that you are gone, then I think that maybe you just take a break from him.I know that I am only 20, but this is just my opinion to help you with your questions. I appreciate your honesty and being so open so we all can help you.Keep me posted.Mel


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## Wes and Tracy (Apr 14, 1999)

I like to call what Mel just suggested as "Shaking the sugar tree", you're wanting to elicit in him the same kind of feelings that you're having. It won't work. I know, I've been there and done that and ended up losing the relationship in a little "test" scenario, not smart. Of all these posts I agree with Jenkins the most. All in all, I'm not sure that he's the problem, or that he's the one you should be focused on. Why did you leave your husband for him? Why are you willing to be treated this way? How do you view yourself, in that you're expectations from a mate are so low? Why is it a stranger at the store can sweet talk you off your feet? I'm not being accusational, I'm trying to nudge you in another direction. You're boyfriend is what he is, his problems are things you can't solve, he's got a ways to go but he's going to have to do it on his own. You may want to spend some time on your own issues. You are an awesome person, you are beautiful and lovely just as you are, without changing or trying you are amazing. You deserve to be appreciated, you are something very special and your real man, will make you feel that way every day. Give yourself some credit. Don't do anything hasty but think about what I've said.Wes


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## selenae25 (Apr 4, 2004)

I went back to the begining of your post and noticed it has been a full year now for you and him not having sex. I do not know what the average is for long term couples is, but for us it is around once or twice a week and we have been together for five years. My husband is 39 and I'm 26 and I'm in the mood more often than him. I'm sure that is natural because he is older, he'd be happy with once or twice a month lol. He would not be happy to go a whole year though. I'm wondering the same things as Wes, why are you still with him? I understand that you love him and have a friendship with him but are you really happy with no sex? It just seems like he is treating you more like a friend and roomate and not like a girlfriend and partner. I really hope you find some answers soon and that you are happy.


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## Nikki (Jul 11, 2000)

I dont know what to suggest BBB other than hang in there and i hope things turn out for the best!


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## 17022 (Dec 25, 2005)

I post 3 articles but I could not find them next sign in. Some post permit me to post but some no place to post. Any one help me.


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## administrator (Aug 20, 2004)

IBS & OVERACTIVE also posting as the above username, has been suspended from this BB.


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