# Non-commital men!



## JenS (Dec 18, 2000)

I turn 30 in November. It seems the older I get, the more I find men who are scared to death of commitment. It's like, if they don't get married by their early 30s, they pretty much have decided not to for a reason.Anyhow, I am dating one of these men now. We have only been dating for about two months and we have so much fun together. I can really see myself falling in love. BUT he has casually said once or twice that he doesn't ever want to get married. He can't imagine spending his entire life with the same woman.I have never questioned him or commented, I just move along in conversation. I am guessing that he is serious, but being a woman, I keep thinking, well maybe he just hasn't found the RIGHT woman yet. Maybe it COULD be me.Am I setting myself help for heart ache??(Just to throw in--he is 35--not a woman chaser at all--very sweet--and his parents are still together).


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## Marier (Mar 18, 2000)

Hmmm, sounds like you're dating my brother, Jen







He was engaged 2x in his mid to late 20's and no marriage came of either of them. He is now 40 or 41 and I don't see him ever getting married. He is too stuck in his ways. He did mention that he'd like to meet someone for a relationship (because he's lonely) but not marriage. I think when they get that age, late 30s', 40's and beyond, they have trouble seeing themselves married, having to answer to someone else, not doing what they want when they want and how they want. Come to think of it, I don't think I'll ever marry again if Mr M and I do come to divorce.Anyway, hang with him while it's still fun. But if you find yourself getting way toooo serious and he's still "digging" the single life, then maybe you better bug out or else you'll be in for a world of hurt. Good luck!


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## Lissa1 (Apr 22, 2002)

I think any relationship based on the expectation that a partner must change in order for the other partner to be happy is likely to lead to frustration and resentment.It's not impossible that he'll change his mind, but I wouldn't count on it. No matter how wonderful and special you are, you're unlikely to trigger some kind of evolution in him. He is who he is.I do believe there are men out there in their 30's and 40's who have an eye toward marriage. But as long as you're with a guy who doesn't, you're unlikely to find them. <shrug>My 2 cents. Good luck.


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## jo-jo (Aug 19, 2001)

He has told you exactly how he feels about marriage, take his word for it. Don't assume that he really meant something else. If you're looking for marriage then I think you're with the wrong guy.


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## JenS (Dec 18, 2000)

Thank you all for the replies. Gosh, I guess I really need to back away for a while.







Marier, You are so right! Great way to put it-- "stuck in his ways". It really sucks.


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## Kitty19HasIBS (Jan 8, 2002)

Hanging around with him while it's fun is not a great idea in my opinion. You said you are falling, haning around will just intesify it. It's pretty hard to tell yourself and make yourself like someone to a level that you want. You have no control if you fall in love. I would just back away and find someone who is into commitments.


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## carolauren (Mar 14, 2002)

I went through this kind of stuff for years. In retrospect, I have to say I fell for the wrong types of guys. I have been with someone now for 6-1/2 years, and although we're not the perfect match, it sure beats getting my heart broken all the time.


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## CaseyL (Jul 23, 2001)

Jen I just wanted to say I agree with the others. Marriage is so hard so you have to make sure you're with someone who is in it for the long haul. At 35, I did find a man (age 36) who wanted a marriage and family. (He turned out to be someone I'd known for over 20 years!) So they are out there. It took me a long time but I found one - and you will too. (And he was well worth the wait!)


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## DommieDo (Aug 9, 2001)

"They" (whoever they are!) say that 99% of us know our future spouse by our mid twenties. My uncle was a confirmed bachelor till he was 50 and then upped and married someone exactly like my grandma, his mum, which was v scary!!


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## Jupiter119 (Aug 8, 2001)

Only just found this post....Jen, I would hang in there. I know someone who was told "this is short term only" as he was afraid of being messed around but they got married.At least he doesn't have the 'baggage' that a lot of men have. I know of a lot of men who are commitment-phobes because they've had bad experiences with the 'ex' or have children, etc.I always said I'd NEVER marry but I did last year.


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## NZChick (Nov 19, 2001)

This is SUCH an interesting debate! I'm 26 and have really begun to notice the difference in late 20's relationships. All of a sudden there seems to be a huge rush on to get to the alter. It's a lot harder when the biological clock is running over time and all your friends are married with children. Personally I have gone for older men in their 30's or early 40's. All of them have been looking for something that may lead to marriage...so there are some out there. But, now that I'm this age, any of us that have been single for a while have become quite comfy and used to our own routines, it takes a really commited person to compromise and rearrange themselves a little to fit the other person into their life. Any guy who has made it clear to me that they don't want anything serious has been shipped off quick smart, why waste time stuck with the same inconsiderate, selfish guy when there are men out there who are sincere? Alarm bells go off in my head about what their agenda really is with me. I think you'll know in time if you keep your space and take regular reality checks, both partners must be 100% clear with each other about what hey expect from a relationship.


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## JenS (Dec 18, 2000)

Well, I am still seeing this guy. He said he really likes me and enjoys our time together, but if I someday want to marry someone, that I am going down the wrong road with him. I still don't know what to do. I mean, this is the best relationship that I have had in years. Do I throw it all away??


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## DommieDo (Aug 9, 2001)

well no pain no gainyou never know what the future holds - it might turn out like he says and you will end up getting hurt or it might work out and you end up together forever - its up to youdepends wether you want to take that chance - whatever you decided good luck


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## Serendipity (Oct 14, 2001)

Does he not want a long-term relationship, or does he simply not want to marry? It seems some people are capable of being committed, but the idea of marriage scares them away. You should discuss the issue with him sometime, but that's hard to do without being pushy. Hell, there is always polyamory.


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## DommieDo (Aug 9, 2001)

This is true - my lovely boyfriend of 5 years is commited enough to forgive my infidelity, get a mortgage with me and talk about having kids but has no inclination at the moment to get marriedHowever now he is hitting the big 30 i am hoping it will shock him into it!!


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## Auroraheart (Aug 8, 2000)

Jen...don't you be aging me here!







I am one month older than you!I think bottom line is that you have to decide between short term and long term happiness. Do you and can you be happy with taking each day as it comes? or do feel the need for security, a vision for the future where you see yourself obtaining "ultimate" happiness as you go along that path. That's so much a personal decision. Another thing...is it the piece of paper this guy is afraid of or being with someone for too long? And how important to YOU is being legal in the eyes of religion? If you and this guy Do stay together and live together, will he be upset if the law sees you as "common law"? Darn men and their way of looking at things!







Good luck to you. You are a strong, intelligent beautiful person; inside and out. Whatever you decide, be happy with yourself.


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## JenS (Dec 18, 2000)

Auroraheart, it's so funny your brought up the religion issue! We got into a big discussion on Friday evening regarding religion and sex. We have different views, which makes me see that maybe this guy is not the one I would want to be with forever. BUT, I will keep hanging out with him in the short term.


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## Nancy B (Jun 7, 2002)

Hey JenSI just jointed the BB today and have been cruisin' through the topics. I gotta say something about this guy! Has he not told you exactly what he wants (to remain single)? Believe him. Whether to stay with him or not is your call, but do it only if you believe that 5 years from now, looking back, you will not regret not being out there looking for Mr. I Want to Marry You. This guy is not going to change his mind, and as long as you stay with him on his terms, he gets what he wants. If you want to know how he feels about YOU, leave him. If he cares enough to chase you, you can bargin for committment. If he doesn't chase, you know what you mean to him. BUT only do this if and when you are prepared to leave. Yes, it is hard to be alone, but you are not going to find your husband and the father of your children if you are in a relationship.I found my husband when I was 36 and he was 38. He had never been married, but wanted to be. He was sweet, a bit of a nerd, shorter than me, and had no handyman skills at all. Now he is buff and I am old and fat. But he is still sweet and caring, cooks, sings to me when I ask. What else could I want? I hope you put your needs first - you deserve it! Don't let short-term comfort make you drop your long-term goals. Best of luck and keep us posted.Nancy B


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## JenS (Dec 18, 2000)

Nancy, great words! thanks


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